Sunday, February 28, 2010


I have had much trouble with my gut this last couple or so weeks and I was beginning to get worried about it.

When I awoke this morning, my new snack food popped into my head. I went and had a look at the nutrition information on the pack and it has 22g of fibre in 100gm! No only that, this twit, forgot that Soya is a pulse. Grain and pulses are not good for me at all and I quit eating them a few years ago, hence the 100 pound weight loss. For whatever reason, my gut cannot handle these foods. It has a hard enough time with certain vegetables.

I just am a little surprised that neither John nor I did thought about the fact the roasted soya BEANS(!!) would be a problem for me.

I have dyed two more hanks today.

I am about to go and sort the clothes I shall wear for tonight’s talk and demonstration. It will be my Bavarian clobber, I just have to choose which.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


We went into town and ate brunch at Pannini’s as we do most Saturday’s now. Unfortunately, the heavens opened on the way thru town afterwards and we got drenched. I was worried that Daniel would either short or give me a shock but it seems they prepared for the eventuality of rain and he continued to work. I am still cold though, despite being home two hours now.

I just bought this:bg1911148219422jsw_pm47-16t Isn’t she lovely? She will sit on my bedside table.

I also bought a really nice silk dressing gown on sale, ridiculously cheap. I then had to buy real pj’s to go with it! So I guess it wasn’t that much of a bargain after all!

Shameless has settled right in as if she has never been away. Amazing. Gone a year and yet it is as if she hadn’t ever gone.

When we got Shameless from Dawn last night, Dawn commented how she could not understand how some people who read my blog, the bits about abuse, could leave such hate-filled comments. I told her I get quite a few and delete them now. I am astonished too but abusers are not rare people! They are all over and so of course they would be reading this too. I just think I am lucky to not be suffering the way are.

The pain of yesterday is still with me. I guess I am having a flare. Even though the temps are up to 7-9c I am still so cold and yet my house is heated and I am wearing my usual thermal layers. Weird.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Shameless has finally uncrossed her legs and come into season. Will collect her tomorrow. She will stay with us now and go back when her puppies and left the nest to new homes and I have kept one or two (hopefully). Then she will be spayed.

It looks as though Barcelona will have to wait but we can do Edinburgh at some point in the next 8 weeks if Tax man pulls his finger out.

Am up on the dogs this week, all bathed that needed to be. Now I am going to dye. I have some lovely superwash merino at 433m to 100g to dye.

Another handful of hanks went to their new homes this week. This is going far better than I dreamt it would. I get a great deal of satisfaction from doing it and I am terribly flattered that people like my work so much.

Dont’ forget to check out KNITMAN’S KITCHEN for new yarns.

Lucky Boy

I just uploaded new yarns to: KNITMAN’S KITCHEN

I am having a quiet day today. Drugs, knitting and dvd’s. What a life! ;-)

Once we know what the IRS is doing , and assuming it is okay, we want to go to Barcelona. We had been told by an English woman who answered the phone at an accommodation agency that it was not good for wheelchair users. So went to Budapest instead which was definitely not good for wheelchair users! Anyway, we have since met a couple who had just come back from Barcelona and the man was disabled too and they said Barcelona was excellent and I would have no trouble getting around. Lesson: do not ask an able bodied person about disabled facilities.

We would also like a long weekend in Edinburgh.

All of this, if we can do it, has to fit around pregnancies. No one is in season yet. Going away will have to be during gestation as after the puppies are born, that will be it, no going away.

Luque is going to be pleased as we have at least 3 bitches coming to him and possibly 4.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I have dyed two hanks of the 50% SW Merino 50% Tencel 800m /100g yarn. It is quite simply a wonderful yarn. Love the handle. Takes dye very well.

This yarn will make excellent draping shawls and used double would make good socks too.

I have also had more success in dyeing a single colour. I think I have it sussed now. At least I dyed two using the new method and both came out correctly without needing to be re-dyed.

Series 5 of Without a Trace and of Nip Tuck and of House all showed up on my doorstep.

I just watched the first series of Lie To Me which I thought was excellent. Watched the whole series back to back.

Aren’t I chatty today?


Both the British and Australian governments have apologised for the appalling way they took children form their homes, lied to them that their parents were dead, and packed them off to Australia as good ‘white stock’ to populate Australia (and Canada).

These poor children were sent to children’s ‘homes’ run by nuns and the RC church and were subjected to horrifying abuse of a physical, sexual and emotional nature.

Needless to say the nuns, priests, church have remained silent.


The reason I am against faith schools is because it is an abuse of children, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, to teach them WHAT to think, and not how to think.

The role of an educator and establishments of education is to teach children HOW to think. It is a crime to do otherwise.

We see the evil that results from teaching children WHAT to think all around us.


This government has no chance of getting my vote. Yet again they have deceived.

Not only have they allowed faith schools which I think is an appalling abuse of children, but they have now forced thru a law, without debate, that allows such schools to teach sex education according to their religious doctrine.

Ed Balls, a government minister, has been on tv excusing this appealing breach of faith and trust, and denying that it will further entrench homophobia, sexism and anti contraception stances.

BALLS! Mr Balls.


I have written to the MP, Shaid Malik, to express my dismay and disappointment at his speech, the video of which is in the previous post here. I pointed out I would feel the same way had he called for a completely Xtian, Jewish, Hindu or whatever parliament.

I can no longer vote Labour and this leaves me without a party, that as a gay man, I can feel safe with.

I find it truly frightening that we are all sleepwalking back into the Dark Ages. We are allowing Religious Fundamentalists to rob us of our hard won freedoms. Freedom of Speech is essential in a Democracy and this  no longer exists. It’s a bit like being pregnant-either you are or you aren’t. Since it is illegal to publicly denounce religion, we no longer have freedom of speech. Yet a Muslim, here in Britain, can call for death to all homosexuals and he is not even reprimanded. Xtians can spew hatred towards us and nothing is done. Call their beliefs idiotic and evil and see what happens.

We will go back to the times when women and children were property. When women and children could be killed upon the whim of  a man. This is happening NOW in the ME do don’t think it is an exaggeration.Xtian fundamentalists are no different. They want the country run by Biblical law decided upon and administered by men of course.

We are letting people do what Hitler failed to do! And we do it in the name of tolerance!

I have never dared ask this question in public before but now I am going to. Where were the Muslims demonstrating when 9/11 and 7/7 happened? Where were they? Where was their condemnation of these evil acts? Maybe you wonder too because like me you certainly recall their demonstrations and violence over a f*cking cartoon!

The rest of us are so busy trying to appear not racist and ever so PC that we are effectively shutting up the voice of reason. It will soon be too late. Religious Fundamentalist are winning and they are doing so because we are letting them. We are tolerating the intolerable and the intolerant.

All it needs for Evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing.

Our freedom is at stake. This is not about which religion is correct. It is not even about religion vs atheism.

It is about liberty and justice for all. We are losing them….fast.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Last week, I did a trial of my gut to see if I could do without the twice daily meds for it. It seemed okay at first but gradually my symptoms came back full force.

During this time, I had a lot of intestinal incidents, to put it politely. I tell you, I could have been used as a WMD.

Anyway, I was sitting on John’s armchair and Luque jumped up and he stood up on his rear legs to lick my ear. Just then, I had one of my intestinal eruptions. Luque sniffed the air and promptly fell backwards off the armchair.

It is a wonder I didn’t expire from laughing. Just writing this has me laughing all over again.

Now for something slightly different but dog related. Carly and Bridget had a fight, as sisters are wont to do. I left them to it but as it went on a bit, I got up and went into the kitchen to see what the fuss was about. They stopped and Bridget sat there, head hanging, holding her left paw up in the air. I called her to me and she hopped along on three legs to me, looking every bit the wounded soldier. I examined her paw and there was nothing i could see wrong. I patted her on the head and said silly things to her. She promptly bounds off and jumps up at the patio doors to be let out and when she was let out she ran around the patio!

Now what sort of behaviour is that? do they do this pretend injury act in the wild? Do they pretend to the pack leader in the wild that they are hurt? Bridget is not the first dog I have had that does this. In fact most of them do. I just don’t get it. It is rather funny and endearing. I just wonder what the purpose really is and if they do it just because of the human interaction or if it is a known and natural dog behaviour?


I recently got involved in a blog written by a lady with a gift for writing. Her writing was about how she escaped Xtian fundy thinking. I identified so much with her. The first post of hers I read was one in which she apologised for how her Xtian ideology damaged others, especially homosexuals. I was very taken with her. I got involved in reading her daily and in reading the comments and responding to some of them.

At same time, my mood was slowly but surely taking a downward path. Then I started having flashbacks and night mares and generally experiencing crap. It took a while to realise that my involvement with this blog was the cause of my flashbacks and night terrors and downward spiralling of my mood.

I wrote to the woman and explained to her why I was no longer going to read her or be involved in her blog. She wrote back a very kind and understanding email confirming my belief in her.

I awoke this morning feeling much lighter.

I have also been avoiding watching films that disturb me. I avoid violence, child abuse, and now stuff like The Tudors. I can’t deal with the violence in them. The Tudors especially has left me with very disturbing images that keep flashing into my mind without warning. The Tudors is very well made and acted but I really can’t stand the very visual cruelty they show-burning of people, beheadings, red hot poker death. Truly awful.

There is apart of me that is pissed off with myself for being so sensitive. Empathy can be a curse. I seem to get more and more sensitive to others as time marches on. I know these things happened centuries ago but it is like I was there and it happened to me. It terrifies me and all I want to do is cry.

I need to protect myself from this onslaught rather than cut myself from feeling. I need to empathise for my work and in order to treat others well and maybe be of use to them. I don’t need to have the horrors of this world constantly in my face. I no longer watch anything to do with war and especially the Holocaust. I was once accused by an ignoramus of not wishing to know about other people’s suffering. As if I don’t know! I don’t watch because I can’t bear to. I have never seen Schindler’s List and have no intention of doing so. I knew a survivor of the camps when I was in my early teens. He shook constantly. His PTSD was severe. Of course, they didn’t call it that then.


My swim went well today. I have dogs to bath and will be doing so as soon as this is done. It is still cold here.

As yet, still no news from the IRS. B*stards. This hanging in the air is going on far too long. Nearly six months now.

I am very pleased with my new yarns. They are truly scrumptious. Look here: Knitman’s Kitchen

Monday, February 22, 2010

Baby Ull Sweater

aran left aran centre right

This is what I am working on now, giving socks a rest for a while. The yarn is  Baby Ull at 375m per 100g. The design is my own. I am using a 2.75mm Addi Lace circular needle.


I have posted my new yarns and new colourways on KNITMAN’S KITCHEN.

It is cold and snowy and icy again.

Yesterday, with John’s help, I shaved Nechung’s coat off. She really doesn’t tolerate being bathed and groomed now so I thought it kinder to just cut the coat off again. She seems much happier. Her tumour, at least the visible one, doesn’t seem any bigger though it is now obvious with no coat to hide it.

I have not had a goo start to my day. I have intermittent severe pain emanating from the middle of my back, to the right. I normally only get this at night time and moving stops it abruptly. Today I am not sure what is stopping it or starting it up again. Maybe being on the PC? Certainly if I stand up and move it more often than not stops it. Drugs don’t affect it.

I have thought for quite some time now that psychic pain, like physical pain, is a sign that something is wrong. I have also wondered how one can judge whether or not one is travelling a forward and upward path rather than doing the opposite and flailing about in lies and self deceit and confusion from all the information available?

I have come to the considered conclusion that my own psychic well being, my happiness and contentment, is a measure of the veracity or not of my ideas and meaning creations. Since ditching old ideas and replacing them with new ones, my experience of life has changed from one of misery to one of love, creativity, pleasure, happiness, optimism, contentment, consolation.

My previous received ideas of being a defective, evil person, of a vengeful punishing God who required belief in an unbelievable story and total submission or one would be damned eternally caused nothing but evil: misery, suffering, excruciating pain, desire for death and 24/7 mental, emotional and spiritual pain.

Pain is our guide. Place your hand on heat, it hurts, you move your hand. Psychic pain is felt but it is not so apparent that to stop it one has to change the cause: the ideas/beliefs held.

We really do create our own world by our thoughts and ideas and the meaning we create from our experience. Often we are taught ideas and beliefs as TRUTH and this is the root cause of most of human suffering. None of us knows TRUTH and we cannot ever do so. We each develop our own worlds and we inhabit them. We each create differing meanings and ideas from them.

PS: it became apparent to me yesterday that my new found desire to wear colour is really simply explained by the fact I FEEL better when wearing colour. I bought a really cheap pair of lounge trousers decorated with the word Wild Thing and lost of bright colours on a white background. I put them on and immediately felt uplifted by their colourfulness. So the mystery is solved! I have been aware that colour affects people for years but I didn’t think about it in relation to my clothing till just now.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I have John set to work putting up more shelves in the kitchen. See how much I love him? I prevent him getting bored. Nothing worse than boredom.

I mean during the week he is busy busy busy. Meetings, giving talks, travelling and what happens when he gets home?


I fix that and make sure he has plenty to do.

A change is as good as a rest they say.

After all my week is hard too. It is quite a hard task thinking up things to keep him occupied when he is here.


WTF is it with people? Why do they jump on others at the drop of hat? Why do they feel they have to point how stupid others are?

I recently bought some digital callipers because I knew that my knitting needles were not equal in size though they were supposed to be. Meaning, several 2mm needles were not what they were said to be.

I measured about 20 odd pairs and NONE of them were correct. Not one was actually the size stated, all were under. Some by a bit – 0.02 and others by a lot 1.81 instead of 2.00.

I found this surprising and certainly found it necessary to know this so that I do not end up again with socks of differing sizes.

I thought others would find this interesting too so I wrote to the lists about it. To my consternation, it brought several snotty response about how my callipers must be crap, how I hadn’t taken in to account all the variables and anyway such differences were neglible so didn’t matter anyway.

Just using the standard needle gauge told me the needles were not right. If one needle fits in the hole tight and the other flops about it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why and it isn’t lack of Viagra.

One of the most ridiculous things pointed out was how heat and lack of causes wood to expand contract. For a start all my needles are metal in the fine gauges and secondly do these people think I live without heating?

WTF is with people? Yes I know my ire gets up at what you may think is something little but I don’t really appreciate being told publicly, however backhandedly, that I am stupid.

BTW I should have attended a dog show today. It is snowing very heavily here and worse 100 mile north west where the show is being held. I knew yesterday I we were not going today.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


Last night on the way to pick John up from the station, I saw a West Highland Terrier that appeared to be on her on the street. On the way back, she was still there and definitely on her. She was friendly when I approached her and I asked John to pick her up. We took her to the Police station but they no longer deals with stray dogs. In fact no one does. The council have a so called 9-5 5 day service. The RSPCA don’t take strays. (I stopped supporting those bastards years ago. They exist for a political agenda, not the care of animals.)

We kept her overnight and this morning the Police called to say the owner was on her way around to our home. It was someone I knew! Alls well that ends well.

Today we went to Peterborough Green Park, a new mall. It was okay and I bought a drinks bottle I can operate and not spill and also some thin but high insulation gloves. I got really p’d off because the restaurant in Van Hage closed at 3pm although the shops are open till much later. Stupid stupid stupid and so typical of the lack of thought and service we experience here. You should see the quality of the restaurants/cafeterias in the mainland Europe malls. Excellent quality and cheap and the variety is excellent too. Here we get treated like fools who deserve no better. Maybe we dont’ since most Brits put up with it and wouldn’t complain out loud. Muttering under the breath and rolling one’s eyes is the British way and hence…..

I have had a physically worse day but a mentally good one. Oh, I met a fellow medium in Van Hage, Actually two, but I had not met the mother before.

I have been dyeing again, just one hank. I wanted to try out a tip that Tess of Silkwood Yarns gave me. I used stencil brushes. They gave me much more control of the dye and there was less running of liquid, much less. I still sponged up the excess afterwards but it was indeed a better method of applying the dye than I had been using.

As I type this I am trying to remember to touch type which I used to be able to do at 80wpm. I reverted back to two finger typing for some reason but now that I so much trouble with co-ordination, I spend most of my writing time correcting typing errors. My spell checker frequently exclaims: WTF. I have no idea what that was. It uses the shorthand ‘no suggestions’.

I am pretty astonished at how well my hand dyed yarns are selling. I get a great deal of satisfaction form it. It is yet another fulfilment of a prophecy I have recently remembered. I was always told I was an artist and should be using it and that one day I would paint. In my narrow viewpoint I never accepted this as I didn’t see myself as artistic at all and certainly could not see myself painting. I can’t even draw a str8 line. I didn’t even see my knitwear design as being artistic. I think differently now.

So much of life has improved beyond measure and changed almost beyond recognition just because I think differently today. Gone is the rigid black and white thinking, based upon me being evil and defective. The cruellest thing of all when children are taught what to think instead of how to think, is that as adults that is what they think-what they were taught to think. Had my therapist not been skilled at deprogramming, I’d not be here today. My thinking, as I was taught to think, rejected any form of help that wasn’t within the constructs I had been taught. Guilt and shame and FEAR forced me to reject ideas foreign to those I had been taught. Don’t forget, I had been taught that to question was evil and God would smite me for doubting. THAT was a very difficult thing to get past. Once I did, well, WOW! LIFE!!!!! I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have the good life I now have and that I would be free to enjoy it.

Friday, February 19, 2010


Today has been a strange day. I have felt melancholy all day. Quiet and peaceful but sad. I think because of the work I did last night. I am glad I did it and glad I chose to did it the way I did. I have been building up to this for quite a while I suppose and now I have started to talk the way I know I am meant to. After all I can’t get my message across if I don’t give myself with it and express where I have come from and where I am now. How can I impart my healing if I don’t offer it up for them?

I have already had a email message about last night and my new approach has had the effect I was after on at least one person.

I can only offer up what I know to be true and my own experience,and my interpretations of such, is all I know to be true. So that is what I talk about without all the skirting around the issues I was doing, avoiding being too open about my life. Through fear really, no other reason.

I am an excellent example of how belief can really f*ck one up!  One’s own and the beliefs of others. And how changing one’s beliefs can allow one to be re-born, to be free, to live. This is the central message of Spirit and I know it is true so that is what I must speak of.


I have dyed four hanks today. One superwash merino, hand painted, one alpaca, silk cashmere, hand painted and two merino/silk (800m/100g) single colour dye baths. The single colour dyeing is a pain! Yet I have sold several now so I guess people want them. I have bought a small scale that measures in 0.1g which makes it to colour mix. The two solids are colours I made up this way.


I took a service last night at Littleport. It went well. I was different to usual and I was much happier with my work.

I have been thinking much upon my work recently. I was wondering how to get across what I want to get across. How I have been re-born by changing my belief system thus providing evidence that the central tenet of Spirit is that belief is all important because it creates not just our own lives but those lives around us. In other words,EVERYONE.

All my work for sometime has been upon this subject but I was left unsatisfied by my efforts. I have been thinking about how I can better get it across and wondering if I should just be more honest. The communication I received last weekend not only gave me evidence that my thoughts were known, but it also told me to forge ahead.

Last night I did. I didn’t leave personal bits out. In other words I told of the things I was afraid to. It so much better illustrated the message I was trying to impart-that belief is everything and that we have much more control than we realise.

As a result, the service went well and when it came to doing the demonstration part, that was different too. I had direction, I knew who I needed to speak to. Normally I do not, I just have to describe the person I am seeing and wait for them to be claimed and then I can continue. Not last night. I knew who the communicator wanted to speak with. Whether that stays with me I don’t know. I hope so. It is more efficient I think.

It isn’t just our own personal beliefs that mould our lives but the beliefs of those around us. It can be devastating.


I have spent two years, not all at once, in psych wards. Precisely because of the beliefs of those around me and of those with the power, and of my own which I held because I was taught them.

Every psychiatrist I ever met harmed me further. Not one helped me. Without exception they all felt superior and all knew that my problems stemmed from my homosexuality. Their attitude was either I need to be str8 or that I needed to accept it. Open and shut case. Only one ever came close to recognizing that I was a victim of abuse and that this was important! That person only ever said to ‘get away from your family’. That was the sum total of their expertise.

I still recall the arrogance displayed by many of these people and the complete ignorance they displayed of people’s suffering. One, when they managed to get my parents to show up, sat there and asked my if I wanted to have sex with father!!!!! Why? Because I am gay and therefore must be suffering a reverse Oedipus complex. F*cking stupid arrogant prat. I makes me angry just recalling it. How dare he humiliate us all like that? How dare he not recognize what was actually going on and that I, yes me, would pay for his arrogance once we were behind close doors again? To think arseholes like this are in charge of of deeply disturbed people who need great care in order to relieve their suffering. Instead, they get this!

Another, whom I did actually like, was a total prat too. Because I liked him and felt I could maybe trust him, I dared to broach the subject of my rape as a child. I didn’t come right out with it. Of course I didn’t. I started to talk about my loss of innocence. I was 19. He laughed and said ‘all adults mourn the loss of innocence’. He hadn’t a clue yet he was being paid to care for me, label me and he had letters after his name and respect.

Another used our sessions to bemoan the state of her marriage and another still to talk about her overweight problem, to someone, me, who was actively anorexic/bulimic at the time! Some tried to convert me to their brand of Christianity.

Worse was the drugs they forced me to take. I was held down and had them injected into my bum if I tried to stand up for myself and refuse to take them. These drugs are appalling in what they do to a person. The side effects I will never forget. Constant shuffling, drooling, being in a fog. The most awful skin crawling, the feeling of having something trying to burst through my  gut, the hallucinations, the shakes. I have since discovered that these drugs can leave permanent neurological damage. Perhaps the ‘unspecified’ neurological disorder I now have is the result of these drugs.

Not one of my stays in hospitals, not one shrink, not one nurse, ever helped me. All just added to the abuse and the neglect of me. They all knew better than me.

I was lucky I did eventually find a therapist who saved me. He didn’t drug me. He didn’t label me. He LISTENED to me and started me on the long and painful road of undoing all that had gone before. He was true to his word and he was there for me 24/7 until I decided I didn’t need that amount of care. I did need him for 5 years.

Sometimes, like when I write this stuff out, I wonder how on earth I survived and it brings home the enormity of what I have lived through. The above is just a tiny part of it. I have always minimised. One has to to survive. I don’t now and it shocks me.

The thing with this past and the PTSD is that there are days when it weighs heavy upon me. Nothing I can do about it. On those days I am quiet and do little and certainly don’t go out. I feel too wounded. All want to do is curl up into a ball and be held safely. These days are fewer now. Night terrors are fewer and less severe. Flashbacks hardly happen now. Just what i feel now as I write, this enormous sadness and a feeling of rawness in my solar plexus.

At the same time I am astonished at who I am today and how happy  and content and generally at peace with myself I am. My thinking is not the black and white thinking I was taught. I know I can still be happy and at peace with feeling that 100% of the time. Days like today do not mean I am a fraud or a failure. No one is happy 24/7. Besides, I am not unhappy today. It is just a wounded day.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


70% Baby Alpaca 20% Silk 10% Cashmere 400m/100g –be still my beating heart!

80% Extra Fine Merino 20% Silk 800m/100g….stop it, I can't breathe!

100% Superwash Merino 400m/100g…stop, I can’t take any more….

I find posting my Knitman’s Kitchen yarns here is becoming cumbersome. I will post the pictures and details on Knitman’s Kitchen and my personal stuff, knitting and so on, on here as usual. I will provide a link when I update the yarns for sale on the Knitman’s Kitchen blog.

This way I won’t have to keep messing about with re-posting and altering times and posts. I think it will help you too because if you only want to see my personal stuff, it will all be here, not in amongst the yarn sales.



“Wore my Fight Club socks for the first time yesterday and I love them.  For the first time, in I can't remember when, my feet were warm!  Not only is the dye gorgeous, the yarn itself is fantastic. I've decided to treat myself to some with cashmere in it. “

“Collin, I got my yarn Monday(hidden tiger), what lovely color and texture. Thank you so much.”

“Hi Colin,

Just received my yarn sooner than I could have expected…what a pleasure doing business with you. The yarn is lovely…the colors are sumptuous and richer than in the photo, the yarn feels and smells lovely…can’t wait to start knitting my first Andersson toe-up socks with the Mach 2 heel”

My latest 'baby' has arrived safely and is truly beautiful. "

"I got the yarn yesterday and all I can say is wow. Very bright colors and it smells wonderful! "

"Two things-----First and foremost, have received the yarn is gorgeous! I am still stroking and fondling it and deciding what it wants to be, it's too lovely for socks, I think it wants to be small shawlettes or scarves . Thank you so much, keep up the good work!"

 starstruck 1   EARTHSONG HEATHCLIFFE ON THE BEACH MARTHA On The Moor LITTLE GREEN anima rising 1 esprit CHESTNUT   Riff Raff PEACE






First come first served. My email is set to show emails from earliest to latest, so the first in my list is the first sent.

Email me at :


Payment by PayPal within 24 hrs of my response or sold to next person who asked. Sorry, it’s the only way I can think to be fair.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


100% Mongolian Cashmere scarves. Can be machine washed and tumble dried.

£25 GBP inc P&P + £1 outside UK

PayPal accepted

First come first served.


Lilac 5.5”/14cm by 49”/124cm Light Lilac.

cash brown

7.5”/19cm by 64”/162cm Chestnut


I slept okay and got up later than usual. Let the dogs out, made my coffee, let the dogs in, then came to pc to do my banking and emails etc. When I went back down stairs the little darlings had my cashmere scarves and inside out sheep gloves! Bridget was busy eating the thumb. I rescued it and hopefully Bridget knows that next time she doe sit, she goes to the pet food factory.

I then felt like machine knitting. So I proceeded to knit the front piece of a mandarin coloured cashmere sweater. I buggered up the math which I did not realise until I was doing something else and it just popped into my head. I have de-knitted it now using my electric cone wider which I have now found works really well and is producing a properly wound cone because I have the thingamajig set just right-finally! It hasn’t been right a for a long time and I have been using the hand winder.

I also felt strong enough to go for a short walk. I took the dogs. Now I would like to know how they know. I have not taken them for a walk for weeks, in fact not this year I think. There was nothing I did differently other than just THINK I shall take the dogs out. With that thought, the dogs start to get excited, howl and run back and forth to the front door.

We are supposed to find out our situation with the IRS this week. I hope so. I want an end to this.

My burn is proving more a hindrance than I at first thought. Trying to remember to keep it dry and also trying to type when my right index finger is so fat is not easy! Mind you, it doesn’t matter with the machine knitting and in fact proves beneficial there because it prevents me getting a sore tip when transferring from one bed to the other.

I order a pair of Zoggs swim trunks online. I liked the fit. When my previous pair went, I bought a pair of Speedos a while back and they last me a few swims. When I complained to the shop, I was told they were not meant for pool swimming because the chlorine rots the fabric!!!! Pardon? This is BRITAIN! Where else am I going to f*cking swim? In the freezing north sea? I so, I’d only need to use them once cos I’d not be around for a second attempt! FOOL! So bugger Speedo’s. I found an online retailer of Zoggs and they fit well and were cheaper than the shop bought Speedo’s which were not good anyway.

I also had bought a nice looking pair of underwear. The box was enticing, the model showing how the underwear looked on, was just right. I late returned them to shop and asked for my money back. They wanted to know why so I told them they should be ashamed of themselves for such false advertising. When I put the underpants on, I looked NOTHING like the man of the cover. I told them they would have to take my word for it as I was not about to show them. I just wanted my money back….

Monday, February 15, 2010


To day has been very nice. Quiet. No swimming. I had thought to go but John thought that even with a rubber glove on my burned hand, it would get wet and he also thought I should rest this week. So I did as was suggested. For today at least. This is quite a bore trying to remember to not get it wet. It is my right hand so I do EVERYTHING ( yes, even THAT, so keeping clean is not easy) with it. My own stupid fault. My hands have been crap for a long time now and I know I can’t lift anything heavy, especially not a pot of very hot liquid. My hand actually looks fine, with my middle finger a little red but my index raw and bloody looking. Well covered up and i managed to repeat the method of yesterday when wrapping it back up so I could knit with no problems.

My dear friend Marilyn, old bag, came to see me today and brought me some beautiful flowers. I don’t know that they are but they are pretty. White trumpet type heads with red/pink shot through with those long stamen things in the middle of the heads. Maybe lilies? I had been thinking of her all weekend as I had not heard for a while so when she called today to say she would pop over on her way home, I was not really surprised. Marilyn is lovely. Funny, kind, caring, not at all up herself, benign.

I stopped knitting my aran and washed what I had done so far. I now know I need fewer stitches. Yes doing this takes time but so much better than knitting a whole aran on 2.75mm needles only to find it is too large or too small.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


By this morning my burned hand had become much more painful. The skin has peeled off my index finger and is red/white and bloody now. I have had to have special burn dressings on it and the person who did it was ever so thoughtful and made sure it was wrapped in such a way that I can still knit. I can. Now i have just to be sure I can do it myself when I need to change the dressing tomorrow. I am told it could take two weeks to heal! Bugger, I hope not. Note to self: remember rubber gloves when removing hot items from microwave. (This was a steam burn because as I was lifting it out, the film covering pinged off and the steam shot out onto my hand. At least i did not drop the bowl.)


I know get my drugs from Tesco because it is much easier. On the off chance I asked the pharmacist there (it was he who dealt with my hand) about having my drugs in bottles. ‘Sure,’ he says! What ?!

It seems Boots and Lloyds lied to me about it not being legal. They just can’t be arsed to do it.

You should feel my thumbs which are still very painful after taking all those pills out of their blister packs.

I will order my drugs well in advance so they have time to bottle them for me.


John and I went to listen to a talk and demonstration. I received a spirit communication and yet again I was given evidence that discarnate beings do indeed know precisely what is going in my life, how I feel about it, and what I am thinking, and the questions I have floating around my mind. Not only that, but the day to day stuff going on like the Tax situation. Once again my mother communicated, giving as evidence our troubled past. None of this was hints or guesswork, but blunt and to the point. Yet more evidence all leading to the same conclusion: Consciousness doesn’t die.


Saturday, February 13, 2010


I have not knitted today. My thumbs are very painful, like bruised, from getting those damn pills out of the blister packs. Who’d have thought that would happen? Plus the scald i did to my hand yesterday is somewhat worse than I thought. My hand is a funny colour, looks like a birth mark on my hand now. If I place it in water it hurt like heel so I don’t. Even taking morphine didn’t enable me to knit.

I have dyed though! Four more hanks. I did a baby alpaca hank the most delicious green which I got by mixing three different colours. I really, really like this green. I did another two baby alpaca’s but hand painted in different colours and one BFL in a hand paint. Doing a one colour hank is more difficult, takes much longer.


This house is full of stuff. The flat is full of stuff. Too much stuff. We need to get rid of stuff. So today that is what we are going to do, sort out stuff and dump stuff. Some stuff will be sent to the charity shops (like manual wheelchair, books and other stuff. Any usual stuff.) Other stuff will go to the tip.

This ought to leave us more room for stuff.

I detest the blister packs my drugs come in. So f*cking difficult to get that damn pill out without breaking it or dropping it. Look at the size of the blister compared to the pill!pill This is just on of the 22 pills a day I take. I did ask that I have them in bottles but no, that seems to be against some rule or other but I could have them in a little tray marked off for each day of the week. Not only would I have to get a weekly refill but they couldn’t get all my drugs in it anyway! F*cking bureaucrats! I don’t have children so it is perfectly safe to give the drugs in bottles. One of my drugs comes in a bottle anyway as I only get 10 at a time of them.

I came up with my own solution. I realised that the plastic waterproof tubs I use for my dyes would be perfect for keeping my drugs in. So last night, having taken enough to enable my hands to do it, I proceeded to get hundreds of the things out of those blister packs and into these tubs. It has freed up an awful lot of space (for more stuff) in my drug drawer. I no longer have to hunt through the packs for the one I want. You see, I would tip all the blister packs out of their boxes and into the drawer because it was the only I could get them all to fit. When I pick up my drugs, I am given two carrier bags full so you get the idea. Anyway, though it left my hands bloody sore, I have at least found a good solution that the bureaucrats can go ‘expletive’ themselves.

Which brings me neatly to my next dose of rambling.

Until recently, I was unaware that one of the main tenants of conservative politics was small government. I am all for less government interference in our lives. The govt since ‘97 has brought in more and more control laws. They are now even going to legislate to make it difficult for me to follow my dog showing/breeding hobby. They interfere far far too much.

So anyway, you’d think that would mean I will go and vote Conservative? Well no because despite that basic tenant, I believe they are lying about it. What they really mean is THEY do not want to have Government interfere with them (the rich) but they will interfere with the rest of us. The last lot DID interfere. Section 28 for instance. The Cons would never have brought in same sex marriage. Despite what they are saying now, I don’t believe they have changed. I have yet to meet a conservative who is truly for equal rights for all. I have yet to meet one who is aware that meritocracy doesn’t work for all sorts of reasons but mainly because we are not all equal in ability and brain power and physical health.

Put simply I really do believe in small government but I don’t believe in the Cons (Republicans). Yet I am completely turned off Labour(democrats) because they INTERFERE too much. We have the Lib Dems here and well I think they are off their rockers. Mr Cable thinks a tax ought to be brought upon those whose homes are worth more than a million. This tax would be something like £25,000 a year. Grossly unfair! Many of these homes are owned by people of low means and the only reason their house is worth that much is because during the 30 or so years they have lived in it, it has appreciated. Now where will these people find £25,000 a year to pay in tax? Pull the other one.

I don’t trust them I certainly don’t trust Cameron. I did do. i thought that having a disabled child, who died, had made him aware of ordinary people’s needs. I was stupid to think that. I have since found out that this man voted against the equalising of the age of consent for str8’s and gays and supported section 28. Now we are expected to think he is our friend. Plus, maybe his fiddling of expenses was only small but he still did along with most of the rest of the MP’s but we are now overlooking this.

I might have had a really good day on Thursday but was back to normal on Friday. It would seem I really can’t do more than 3 times week swimming now.

Friday was weird. I had to use my stick indoors mainly because my balance was really off. My hands refused to work properly and I cut myself deeply and then scalded myself. (Today the scald is a livid pink so I guess it was almost bad.) I also felt wounded all day. Quiet and still inside but wounded. I think this is just another version of flashbacks. I didn’t experience any of the waking nightmare stuff. No sudden memories surfaced. Yet I felt the aftermath. I can’t really explain it any better than to say it feels like I am wounded and all I want to do is go to bed and curl into a ball and sleep.

We will go to Pannini’s shortly for brunch. I always enjoy that. The it will be back home for stuff dumping.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


It has taken a while but I am about to start to cast on the final draft of my Aran sweater. I have removed the twisted stitch centre panel. It didn’t work in this weight of yarn. At least my design didn’t. It was a diamond with vertical accents in the middle of the diamond. Too much of purl background.

I washed the final swatch, measured it and cast on 282 stitches for the front piece. Once I had knitted about 30 rows I knew it was going to be too wide so I have scrapped it and will cats on 252 instead. I liek the design I came up with. Nothing new in the way of pattern formation, just a combination of already existing stitch patterns.

It will not take me as long as I feared either. I pattern on every 4th row (or is it 5th?) and just do knit and purl rows in between. I am using 2.75mm Addi Lace circular needle and Baby Ull which is 375m per 100g. Ecru in colour.

I have a light lilac cashmere scarf almost completed and will offer it for sale either later tonight or tomorrow.

I still have a number hanks to ball and rehank.

Tomorrow, Jack the local ‘man who does’ is going to replace the trellis that cuts our long garden in half. The back half is grass, the front is all paved. At the base of the trellis are long wooden troughs for plants. The back garden remains shut (gate in the middle of trellis) during the winter, wet weather and when we need to use both because boys and girls can’t go out together in case they shag.

Well, Bridget has taught herself how to get through the trellis. She takes great delight in doing this. She then digs in the trough and comes up all muddy and ick. She has also taught Edna how to except Edna couldn’t get back through the trellis. I am amazed she got thru in the first place since she is bigger than Bridget.

Jack will replace the trellis with another trellis that has holes that are too small for dogs to get through. That will fox them. All I need now is for Bridget to figure out how to climb over. Don’t dismiss it, I have had dogs before that somehow climbed a six foot fence. Climb they did too, I saw him do it and still don’t believe it.


Valentine Docs Pink Docs blue docs


I think I need to see the Doctor. I am feeling well. Seriously. I am. It took me a while to realise why I feel so odd. I am not used to this. I think I need to lie down.

I had a rest yesterday. I posted off eight hanks of yarn and I dyed two more. I still have four to post on this blog and I may do so later today.

I received the first disc of the first season of Dollhouse via the post. I watched it for 14min and 23 secs before I decided it was not my cup of tea at all. Pity. The idea is good but poorly executed.

I have been watching Kingdom with Stephen Fry in the lead role of Mr Kingdom, solicitor (lawyer). It is well done. Gentle, whimsical, reminds me a bit of Murder She Wrote only much better. (Gosh anyone recall Hart to Hart? Ms Powers was beautiful.)

I am going to start offering cashmere scarves via my blog. I will NOT take orders. I will knit them and place them here and you can buy or not buy. They will be either 100% Mongolian Cashmere or 80% Mong. Cashmere with 20% nylon.(you won’t know the difference.) All will be pre treated so will be very soft and machine washable on 30c delicate. You can even tumble dry them.

What else? Let me see. Um, no I haven’t found the answers to life and death. No cure for cancer. It seems I have pretty much found the answer that makes me happy to be alive now. Can’t tell you exactly what it is but I do know it had everything to do with freeing myself from the Fundy thinking that blighted all my attempts to live well. Belief really is everything. I am only where I am now because I changed what I believed. Namely, I came to believe I was a good and worthy person and that the beliefs of others (an my own) were mere ideas, not TRUTH. No matter what they say about it. No one knows THE TRUTH. NO ONE. No matter how fervently they believe they do. And remember that those preachers who can whip up a crowd into ecstasy have the same talent as Hitler and are using the same techniques. It isn’t love or mystique or the holy spirit. It is called manipulation and we know where it leads. Georgetown. Twin Towers. Holocaust. The Killing Fields.

There is only one person who can ‘save’ you and that is yourself. Only one person who can pay your debts. You. Only one person who can change you. You. There is only one person you CAN change. You. That is all you have to do to live in a better world than the one you live in. Change. You.


I think I need to see the Doctor. I am feeling well. Seriously. I am. It took me a while to realise why I feel so odd. I am not used to this. I think I need to lie down.

I had a rest yesterday. I posted off eight hanks of yarn and I dyed two more. I still have four to post and I may do so later today.

I received the first disc of the first season of Dollhouse via the post. I watched it for 14min and 23 secs before I decide it was not my cup of tea at all. Pity. The idea is good but poorly executed.

I have been watching Kingdom with Stephen Fry in the lead role of Mr Kingdom, solicitor (lawyer). It is well done. Gentle, whimsical, reminds me a bit of Murder She Wrote only much better. (Gosh anyone recall Hart to Hart? Ms Powers was beautiful.)

I am going to start offering cashmere scarves via my blog. I will NOT take orders. I will knit them and place them here and you can buy or not buy. They will be either 100% Mongolian Cashmere or 80% Mong. Cashmere with 20% nylon.(you won’t know the difference.) All will be pre treated so will be very soft and machine washable on 30c delicate. You can even tumble dry them.

What else? Let me see. Um, no I haven’t found the answers to life and death. No cure for cancer. It seems I have pretty much found the answer that makes me happy to be alive now. Can’t tell you exactly what it is but I do know it had everything to do with freeing myself from the Fundy thinking that blighted all my attempts to live well. Belief really is everything. I am only where I am now because I changed what I believed. Namely, I came to believe I was a good and worthy person and that the beliefs of others (an my own) were mere ideas, not TRUTH. No matter what they say about it. No one knows THER TRUTH. NO ONE. No matter how fervently they believe they do. And remember that those preachers who can whip up a crowned into ecstasy have the same talent as Hitler and are using the same techniques. It isn’t love or mystique. It is called manipulation and we know where it leads. Georgetown. Twin Towers. Holocaust. The Killing Fields.

There is only one person who can ‘save’ you and that is yourself. Only one person who can pay your debts. You. Only one person who can change you. You. There is only one person you CAN change. You. That is all you have to do to live in a better world than the one you live in. Change. You.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


I just ordered 10kgs more of undyed yarns. I have included

100% sw merino, 400 / 100g

70% Baby Alpaca 20% Silk 10% Cashmere 400m/100g

50% Superwash Merino 50% Tencel 800m / 100g

80% Extra Fine Merino 20% Silk 800m/100g

I am looking forward to getting my hands on it.

Oh B*gger!

Yet again all my dreams of Tuesday are shattered by Wednesday! I awoke so stiff this morning, there was no way I was going swimming or even out. Wednesday has become my staying indoors day. I guess aiming for swimming 5 days a week is not going to happen. Damn bother and blast. I do so hate not being able to do as I wish. really! I was doing 1 mile 7 days a week and I can just about mange half that 3-4 days week. Today, I have even had to use my walking sticks indoors. Oh well, I am still happy in my head. THAT is worth everything.

A good number of hand painted yarns have sold very soon after  posting them. I would have sold a couple more except that more than one person wanted the same ones. I am having much fun doing this. I dyed a hank one complete colour, chestnut. It is gorgeous. Believe it or not, dyeing a single colour takes longer and requires more precision than hand painting several colours onto a hank. I ma not sure if I shall offer it up or keep it for myself.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010


I had have another excellent day. My swim went very well. My IBS is acting up but rather than interfere with my swimming, it seemed to Turbo charge it….I did more laps today than I have for months.

Last evening I dyed eight hanks. I thought it was seven but no, I count 8. Five I have posted (see previous entry below) and three I am still working on.

It would seem that our tax situation will be done and dusted within two weeks. I hope so. I hate this not knowing business. I have always preferred to know, even if it’s bad news. Like when I was waiting for my balls to get tested as I had a lump. Even if it had been a tumour, I wanted to KNOW. My GP is excellent and doesn’t leave me in the dark about anything. She has told me where my physical problems could lead, worse case scenario and I feel better knowing. (Oh in case you hadn’t figured it out, the lump was nothing.)

The Dr’s secretary gave us a fright yesterday. She telephoned to talk with John and i said she could talk with me which she argued with despite me telling her we had signed agreements to this effect-both of us could deal with either of us. Anyway, she said that John’s last respiratory tests caused concern and he had to go to the hospital as soon as he could get an appointment. She could not or would explain further so I had her tell John’s Dr to call me. She duly did. What the actual concern is that he is not as ill as he ought to be so they now are thinking of downgrading his disease, Emphysema, to Asthma. The secretary was a twit and clearly doesn’t’ know the first thing about how to talk with patients without frightening them! It would seem that as John’s BP goes up alarmingly whenever he is near a Dr, his chest is also affected. The day he had the test he had just arrived up from London too so that didn’t help. Basically, his test results say he is very much sicker than he is and once his Dr ascertained form that he was not lying, she is sure she wants the testes at the hospital. I don’t think it will make any difference to his drug regime.

Nechung is a weird dog. So much for having cancer. She seems to be more puppy like recently, more demanding, more active and still loves her food.

I am hoping to have puppies this year but none of the girls I plan to breed are in the mood. I think maybe the cold has put them off? I will only breed one of them, and then alter another of them. Maybe.It’s been over a year now since we last had puppies.

I just finished Season Three of House and it appears he got rid of his three young colleagues. From the blurb written on the box of Season Four, it does seem he really did. DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING! I have yet to watch Season Four.

Monday, February 08, 2010


SELAS 1 The top photograph is the Bitch line up. Whitney, Best Bitch, on left, the middle is the Reserve Best Bitch and the end is the Best Puppy Bitch.SELAS 2A Whitney goes Best In Show and the Reserve best Bitch went Reserve Best In Show. Photographed by David Lock.

(Yes, either my drugs had worn off or I took too many in the bottom photograph! Or maybe Daniel Craig just walked in with only his trunks on…..)

Sunday, February 07, 2010


Had a good day at the show. Whitney went Best In Show. This was an easy show as far as getting there and getting home again. No 2am start today. Got up at 7am and left at 9am and were there for 10.30am.It was not our usual venue and the entry suffered as a result of this I think.

I have more or less worked out the design for my fine gauge Aran and I am using 2.75mm Addi Lace needles. 2.25 was too tight.

I bought the new

Twisted-Stitch Knitting—Maria Erlbacher

book a while ago as I love this type of stitching. However, I have to disagree with one piece of advice the writer gives. She says that one must either knit in the round or learn to twist and travel the stitches on purl rows too. She says one will be disappointed with the result if one doesn’t. Well, I followed that advice only to undo it and just do the work on the knit rows(I am working back and forth). It did not look good when done every row at all and not because I didn’t know how to do it. It is not that hard to do on the purl side what you do on the knit side. To be honest, even if the particular pattern I had used didn't look better with it done just on the knit rows, the extra work involved doing it also on the purl rows is just not worth it. I am all for doing things well and properly but not if the end result is not worth it.

I have had all sorts of advice about my dyeing. Some solicited and some not. More than one suggested something that I find quite astonishing. That is to keep written accounts of what I dye, how I dye it, and the precise recipes I used. Bollocks to that! That would leech all the art and fun out of it. For me. I dye the way I do most everything. Suck it and see. I do this, do that, a bit of the other and Hey Presto, there is the result. No way do I want to repeat, thank you very much. (Oh back when I knitted on the machines for money, it was TEDIUM to say the least. Week in week out, 18 sweaters a week, all the same style, just a few varying colours and patterns. Yukkety Yuk. NO MORE THANK YOU.) (I will add that of course I am grateful that people bothered to share their hints and tips me. )

Yarns I paint are unique. No two will ever be the same precisely because I dye as the mood takes me and do not keep track. Even the colours themselves will never, by design, be the same as I don’t even use the same amounts. So although I might well use the same colours in more than one hank, they will be painted on differently and also the colours themselves will differ in concentration. Really, I think it would be impossible, or at least a million to one chance, that any two hanks would end up being the same.

I do very much enjoy creating in this way. Now don’t laugh, but I feel slightly odd about letting the hanks go when they are sold. It’s a bit like selling one of my puppies. Sometimes I get the urge, when packing it to post it off, to change my mind and keep it because then I would be sure it had a good home and would be used well. Am I senile or just sad and pathetic. It is a hank of yarn, not a baby for goodness sake. Yet it is how I feel.

Saturday, February 06, 2010


Tell me what you think: CLICK


It irks me that because I am clearly anti Fundamentalism, that people assume I am an atheist. Surely if people can be bothered to come here and read, they would choose to read what I write and not what they decide I have written.

Let me make this clear: I am anti religion.  Xtian, Jew, Muslim, Hinduism, Buddhism, all of them. At best it’s all completely bonkers, at worst it is the cause of extreme grief and suffering to billions of people now and in the past.

I have no truck with atheists either. I have much sympathy with their anti religious thinking but not with their equally strident and fundamentalist beliefs.

NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH. Did you see that? NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH. Or put another way, NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH. In any language one can think of: NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH.

Oohh, isn’t that scary? How can we live without certainty? We have to be certain, and kill many with our certainty, because without certainty we cannot live ourselves. The fact that our certainty ensures that others either die or live miserably…well…that can’t be helped can it? We are CERTAIN it isn’t our fault.

It is very tempting to suggest that if one believes that the World was made in 6 days, that we all descend from ONE woman and her TWO SONS (one dead one) and Co Habitee, that you are a MORON. I wouldn’t suggest such a think. I would suggest that your ability to to think has been damaged by fear and training.

Now the Big Bangers love to point out that to suggest there is a God only presents us with another problem: how did God get there? They say it is childish and stupid to suggest an outside source. Okay. I can see the logic in that.

There is one teeny tiny, almost too small to mention, problem with THEIR theory though: if there was nothing, and then there was the BIG BANG, what the f*ck was it that banged? What CAUSED nothing to bang? never mind the question of how nothing can bang in the first place. How exactly does nothing bang? If there wasn’t nothing, but something, than how did that something come to be there? And if that something was there, then who the f*ck put it there? Or what? HOW?

It seems to me that both ideas present the same problem.In fact, I just don’t see the difference. Apart form the obvious one: one is not threatened with being banged by the Big Bangers for not believing them.


I wish I did. Wanting the answers to life, the universe and everything is a royal pain. Oh I long to be thick as a door knocking w*anker and just have something to hang on to and walk around with a stoned smile on my face. Only in my weakest moments do I wish for this. Mostly, I thank who the f*ck are you? for the fact I don’t.

If it were not for the fact I know we do not die when we die, only appear to, I would have given up long ago to think about this. I have discovered that people think that just because one believes life continues after death, one must believe there is a God? WHY? Why must that be so? Cannot no one envisage that the survival of consciousness after death is just a part of LIFE, this amazingly weird thing we are experiencing?

Now knowing that we do, to the very best of my experience and trying to think otherwise, colours everything. It follows that what I know of science is that it is based upon the impossibility of the survival of consciousness after death. Scientists say this is impossible. You know that leaves me with a problem don’t you? Yes, that's right, for me Science is deeply flawed and the acceptance of the fact that we survive death, will turn their world upside down. Thus they don’t accept and ridicule instead.

The religious think only their kind survive death. WRONG.

So here I am. Now what? Carry on searching of course but not in fear now I have shed the yoke of religion and the wicked ideas.

Now you know,I am as weird as you expected. And you Fundies (religious and atheist) can take comfort in that because it gives you a really cool and simple reason to dismiss my rantings. Just bear this in mind:

I AM HAPPY TODAY. (Before when trapped in your ideas, I was worse than miserable.)

I can live very well with not knowing.



Susie left this link in the comments section for which I thank her.

I have read it and more and am deeply moved. So much so I have spent the evening in silence and stillness with a lump in my throat. Upon reading it I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and yet hope. I have not really assimilated what I read yet. I did my best to ascertain that this is genuine and not a sick joke.


Friday, February 05, 2010


Joy    SherbetRiff RaffCandyfloss   Lilac Time    NEVADAPEACERICH DARK AND AHANSOME esprit Hidden Tiger wild at heart Turbulent Indigo Deep Purple

Be aware that purple is very hard to get right on the screen. No idea why. It always wants to be blue!


First come first served. My email is set to show emails from earliest to latest, so the first in my list is the first sent.

Email me at :

Payment by PayPal within 24 hrs of my response or sold to next person who asked. Sorry, it’s the only way I can think to be fair.

Thursday, February 04, 2010


Two of our cc companies increased our interest rate a while back. They sent letters explaining they had to do this due to the credit crunch. Right, money is tight, so bleed people for for more. Makes sense does it not?

Quietly though, these immoral people tripled our rates over time. One card we cleared immediately and stopped using. The other we have not been able to because of this tax situation still being unresolved. I have been getting more and more incensed at this company for hiking their rates almost monthly it seems and this month the amount of interest they charged was more than it costs to eat for the month, and we eat well.

I spoke with our accountant and told her and she recommend we clear the debt because she still thinks the tax liability is covered and if not, then we can negotiate.

With great delight i have paid off that card today. Oh it feels good to nobble those b*stards. How STUPID do they think we are? How STUPID are they? Had they not behaved in such a reprehensible way, they’d still be earning some money form us. However greed has ensured they earn NONE from us.

They do this because unfortunately people less well off will have no choice but continue to pay thru the nose in interest because they will not have the funds to pay the card off. The CC companies know this and so they hike the rates, trapping people.

Companies are not dead non entities. They are comprised of PEOPLE. It was a PERSON who made these decisions. It is a PERSON who is responsible and will reap the consequences.

When will people realise that we reap the results of all out actions and beliefs?

The Presidents and PM’s may not see the dead children that result form their wars. The soldiers may not see the children they kill. That doesn’t mean they are not responsible. EVERYONE knows one cannot go to war without killing children. Therefore it is acceptable to those who go to war and who support war that children die in their cause. If they understood what personal responsibility means, they might think otherwise. They would at least know that confessing all to a man in a frock once a week, saying a few prayers by rote,  absolves them, or us, of nothing.

If our leaders truly were believers there’d be no war. On either side. (A misnomer since we are all on the same side.)

Belief is everything and we see the results of it all around us. In our personal lives and the lives of others and the world in general. Yet we still deny that our beliefs have any importance. They are ALL that is important. It is our beliefs about ourselves, about others, and about LIFE that cause our suffering or enjoyment. Our views and ideas are the crux of it all.

It follows that if we truly desire change, we must change our ideas. The first idea we must change is the idea that it is others who need to change. The only person who needs to change is the one you see when you look in a mirror. That is where it all begins and ends.

(and those faceless cc company people will reap what they have sown, no matter how they think it is ‘just business’.)