Friday, September 29, 2006


This is the Yak hair sweater, incomplete, knitted at tension 8 on the Garter Carriage. 2 x 2/15's weight yarn. The pattern detail is a little blurred. I really do want an SLR Digital Camera as I find the ordinary ones to be not that good.

This is my final design, having frogged several other designs. It's pure wool knitted on 3.75 Addi circulars. Have yet to decide on sleeve type, but thinkI will go for a dropped one with a saddle.


Tuesday night, Tilly started to really scratch up. About 3am Wednesday morning, she started to have visible contractions. They took a long time to get frequent and I was getting more and more nervous. Finally, they came fast and hard - but no puppy. So at 7am off we went to the vet. By the time we got there, she had delivered the first puppy- an 8.5 oz female. So back home and she started hard and fast again but by 9am we were back at the vet as her discharge had become green which meant the placenta had separated. This time she stayed to have a ceaser whilst I went home to bed as by this time I could neither talk properly nor walk properly. I went back for her at 3.3opm. Sh did not have a ceaser after all, they managed to deliver the 9oz boy after all.

The size of these puppies is too big for Tilly. Normally mini Dax are 5-6 oz with 7oz being big.

Tilly was excellent and she really tried hard. She stood on her hind legs and used the top edge of the whelping box to place her front end over whilst she bore down.

Tilly will never have puppies again. She will be speyed and live out her life as matriarch. Such a shame as she adores puppies.

The boy and girl are doing fine as I write. Tilly is happy and eating well.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Micah's Lost It

Micah lost his virginity today. He mated Finty. I think he got a bit of a shock when they became 'stuck' together! Thankfully it only lasted about 5mins. Sometimes it can last very much longer than that. Of course, I had to hold Finty still as she wanted to get away, even though it is the bitch who causes the tie by her vagina clamping tight on the penis. They both settled down and were calm. Poor Micah's back feet were off the ground though as Finty is a bit taller!

If all goes well, pups will be due around 26th Novemeber.

Oh and Tilly is getting very close to delivering her pups-possibly tonight.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Mum's Inquest

Thursday night I awoke and had the urge to go on the PC. I did a search for my mother's name and came up with new information about her death. I had found out she had died when I felt the same urge last July.

It would seem her death was the result of medical negligence, though of course no one is going to be charged in connection.

According to the inquest held on May 12th, 2006, my mother had been constipated and a doctor prescribed for her over the phone. At some point later, she went to the A&E department and was discharged. Still later, she was rushed in as an emergency and died on the operating table. She died from a perforated colon which had caused septic shock. She died on April 2nd 2004, just 3 weeks before her 70th birthday.

Last July, when I found out she had died, I was shocked. I greived for what we never had. All the negative feelings thoughts of my mother used to bring, disipated. I know she understands now. It also helped me finally close the door. Realising just how wicked the rest of my family are really helped. The fact that no one bothered to inform me of my own mother's death told me all I needed to know.

It has been freeing for me. I can now think of my mother with compassion, knowing the past is done and dealt with. It saddens me that her passing was not clean or pain free. I would not wish such a death on anyone.

I think she is now at peace. I can see her life was a sad and painful one. One day I will meet her again and this time I will greet her as my Mother and she will greet me as her son. The reality of our life here will not matter anymore. No that is not to deny what happend, just to let go of it and see the fragile, confused and pain ridden human being who did what she did.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Tibet Sock

I finished these today. I think they are regia but definately to colourway is called Tibet.Probably my favourite pair yet. French heel this time. I haven't managed any othe rknitting, esepcially by machine, as my ribcage is too sore. Went to the Dr today and it seems I have an infection/inflamation of the muscles between the ribs, hence the pain like I am in a vice! Who knew one even had muscles there! Honestly, with my OA acting up too i think if I were a dog, I'd take the needle!

I vont to be alone. Moonlight having a bad hair day.
Micah also having a bad hair day but the grin is to let you know that he plans to lose his virginity any day now once Finty stops playing hard to get. Honestly the PMT around here has been a nightmare. The girls all fighting and poor Micah getting the brunt of it.
What is going on? Why is everyone fighting? I amglad they leave me alone but I wonder if I am next.....
Luna is wondering why Frauke is so obessed with licking her ears. Even dogs have fetishes.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Dogs are quite amazing. This last week, Tilly kept staring at the corner of the lounge and turning looking at me. She was telling me she thought it was high time I put her whelping pen up. So I did. It was all neat and tidy but not now. She has made her nest. Mind you, the actual box is not in there yet. That will happen later today.

She is due in about 10 days. Tilly adores having puppies. When she hasn't got any, and one of the others do, she tries to steal them!


My Shop

I thought I would see how my sweaters would sell on So I opened a shop there.
It can be viewed here:

Thursday, September 14, 2006


I finished a pair of socks, 75% wool 25% nylon. Knitted with one long circular needle. 2mm for the rib and 2.25mm for the body. I used a Dutch heel. I like the look and the fit. Not so keen on the way it striped but they are comfortable.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Getting Going

I am almost finished the second sock of a pair.

Today, I have started to swatch the Yak yarn and Merino/Cashmere/Silk tweed yarn I bought in Hamburg.

My feelings have been all over the place, though nowhere near as bad as the first week. I am not struggling to cope. I just don't like it!

Today, I sorted out a dog sitter. A pleasant woman I have known for 7 years. An aquaintance really. She is kind and unassuming, in her 50's. Iasked her today and she said yes. As I was leaving, she said she did not want paying. I did not tell her anything of recent events until after I had asked what I wanted to. I thought it would be unfair to tell her first as I needed to be sure she wanted to dog sit for me and not do it out of guilt. This is only for days out of course, not holidays.

I wonder if anyone knows what this is. It is an experince I have had many times over my lifetime but last night it was very powerful and more scary. Often, as I am laying down to sleep, I hear a 'whooshing' sound in my head and I start to feel like I am being pulled out of myself. I cannot move but I am compeltely conscious. It is most unpleasant. Last night it was sudden and started by a really loud high pitched hum in my head and then the very strong feeling of being pulled out of my body and spinning. Again I couldn't physically move and I was totally conscious. I managed to 'pull' out of it and put the light on and stayed sitting up for a while.

Now I know that we all have sleep paralysis to prevent danger whilst we dream. However, I am not asleep when this happens. I also am aware that some people report leaving their body.

I am baffled by this. I have tried not to fight it and see where it leads but I always end up struggling to break the hold it has on me. I always succeed in that though it often feels like I won't. Also, when I have tried to go with it, the feeling of being dragged out and spinning gets intense.

Friday, September 08, 2006

I Won!!!!

I had my disability tribunal today. I did not even get seen. I won just on the strength of my submissons. The Chairman told my representative that they did not need to see me, they were appalled at the way I had been treated and that the case should never have gone this far. It has taken 22 months. I refused point blank to give in. I even wrote to the Commisioner myself and got the last tribunal's decision set aside.

If I wasn't a cripple, I'd have skipped out of the building! ;-)

Thursday, September 07, 2006


I just found out from my neighbours that this woman had been leaving my dogs outside all day and all night! Of course they barked a lot which is why they looked to see what was going on. They didn't like to 'complain' to me and said nothing until I told them that this woman was not welcome at my home and had no permisson to be there.

I am also changing my locks.

Now that I am over the intial shock, I am feeling myself again. Time to move on.

Having a good day. Have even started a new pair of socks....

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Getting On

Thank you to those who have left messages here and written to my email address. I really appreciate it.

I started to feel more like me yesterday and still do this morning.

I am glad I came back when I did. I am glad I listened to my inner voice telling me to go home.

Before I went, I checked and checked that it was okay with my friend to look after two show coats, which she had not had to to do before. She is a qualified hairdresser. I showed how to do the dogs and was happy as was she. Now all of my dogs could have gone to two other people so it wasn't that she had no choice.

The last two times we spoke on the phone, I just got the feeling something wasn't right and when I phoned to say we were coming home, the reaction was not right. Can't say why I felt that. I just did.

So when I got home, I knew straight away something was up. The house smelled. No cleaning had been done. My two show coated dogs were matted to the skin. It was 12.30am when I got in after driving 700 miles. I stayed up till 5am grooming.

My first reaction was shock because I was so surprised she had let me down. I was angry too. However, when I hadn't had a phone call in the morning, and then no reply to call and texts, I became very worried. After 3 days I got a text saying 'I am down, need to be left alone'. Now I was getting angry. I already knew she had contacted mutual friends. It became obvious to me that she really didn't give a shit about my feelings. I left it and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Sunday when she came around knowing I was not in, made it clear to me that this was no friend.
She'd taken the £200 and done nothing for it. By coming home early I'd caught her out.

If I had not come home when I did, I'd have no dogs to show. I managed to save the coats as I know what I am doing. If I had come home two days later as planned, either I'd have to shave them off OR she would have hurt them by doing it herself and also wrecked their coats. It took hours for me to do but I did it without one yelp. ( At present I only show one of them, Moon, as Micah isn't ready for that yet.)

The most charitable I can be is that she knew she had been caught out letting me down big time and her pride stopped her dealing with it so she ditched me. However, I had noticed the last couple of times she had done stuff for me, paid for, she hadn't done as good a job as usual, in fact not done some things at all. I let it go. I know her 'career' is 'taking care' of people. I never saw our relationship like that at all cos it was developed a long while before she started doing things for me, at her prompting. Perhaps it was planned out.

I'll never know now exactly what this was about. I know I was conned. I know I did nothing to deserve this. I don't like to think I was set up from the beginning but it seems that way.

I wanted to make something clear about my disability. I am not helpless. I can walk. In my home I can get about quite well. In fact you may not notice anything wrong. You will notice I fidget a lot. If I keep still for too long, then I lock up. You will hear loud cracks when I do get up!

I can't use a bath. I can't cook with pots and pans or prepare foods because it requires standing too much and also I am likely to drop things or cut myself. On really bad days I can't dress or get shoes on. I roll out of bed and have been known to move about on all fours! Thank God for the dogs because they force me to get up and deal with them. On good days and I may even be able to go for a walk with them. Not often now.

I use sticks when I do walk but only very short distance. If I go out shopping or when we are away, I have to use a wheelchair. I can also drive. So basically unless I am acompanied, I don't go out. I can't manage the walk from car into supermarket and shop and back again. I can't get a wheelchair in and out of my car. I also cannot move myself in the chair unless on a very smooth surface.

I have OA of the spine which seems to spread to my knees and my hands now.I also have a neurological problem which affects my balance and makes me appear drunk sometimes. I can also get very confused. And , of course, exhausted easily!

I am very lucky I have the dogs, my knitting, the pc and a phone! I am always busy, never bored. It is necessary for me to get out during the week as 5 days indoors is too long. John is with me Friday evening to Monday morning.

I'll work it out and I know this awful hurt will lessen as time goes on.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Broken Trust

This is difficult for me as I feel so much shame about this.

In short this is what happened.

I have had a very close friendship, so I thought, with someone I trusted completely. The only person other my John that I felt this about. I was wrong. very wrong.

We returned from my trip early because it was physically too much for me. I arrived home to find my 'friend' was not there, the dogs were in a mess, the house was. Like a fool, I became very concerned for my friend. No reply to phone or text. Yesterday, after a week of no contact, they turned up at my house thinking no one would be home as she had my show schedule and knew I'd be away at a show. John was in and she and her boyfriend were foiled.

Turns out this person was just in my life for the money and my generosity. I was completely taken in. I shared stuff with her that I have never shared with anyone but the therapist I used to see. She 'shared' with me too. It was all bullshit it seems.

What is worse, I never saw this coming. At no time did I ever think anything wasn't right. I am normally very careful who I let into my life. In fact this person was the one who did all the running. She always made a point of saying hello and chatting and then started to phone me. After a few months of this, I started to call back and then we had a coffee together and then it just snowballed into the best friendship I had ever had. At least that is what I thought.

Going to my dog show was really hard. I only went because the woman i go with, also disabled, trashed her car and without me couldn't go. So i went. Other than that i have stayed in. Outside just seems too big a deal for me right now.

Now my day out during the week will be no more. I can't do it on my own. I can't manage the walk or my wheelchair on my own.

Worst of all I feel totally humilated and a fucking idiot for believing in someone who was a total fraud.