Wednesday, December 31, 2008

More New Docs

Another pair arrived yesterday.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Puppies and Boots

These arrived last night. 4boys and 3 girls.

These arrived this morning.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Bon Noel Socks

Knitted using a yellow generic sock yarn form Globus, a German superstore. 75% wool 25% Nylon. I used KnitPicks 2mm circular needles knitting both socks on their own needle simultaneously. The design is my own. I knitted them toe up using my method and Andersson Heel Mach 2.

Thursday, December 25, 2008


It's almost over. Just about 25 minutes left. tomorrow I can get back to normal. I still hate Xmas and am so glad it's done for another year. Last year was the best ever. Firstly because we were with people we like in Germany up until late Christmas Eve and we spent the best Xmas Day ever driving home to England. That was not at all like Christmas Day. It was like missing it altogether. So anyway, I am glad today is done. No matter how I try to feel otherwise, it just feels like a bad to me.

Shameless is restless still and her puppies are rather active - you can see them rolling and feel them easily. It could be another few days yet or it could be tomorrow. It is very doubtful that they will be bron tonight.

Micah is looking and smelling good as he had his bath today. Maybe Whitney will have hers tomorrow along with Nechung.

Lia and Jane called from Germany today just to make sure I knew what I was missing! No really I like to hear from them. They called me a week or so ago form Jane's home in Eindhoven, Holland and they used Jane's computer so I heard them both talking at the same time like a conference call which was fun.

I am having my brain fried right now. I am reading a book all about physics, especially quantum mechanics. I love it but can only read a bit at a time. What amazes me about this book is that maybe I am not crazy after all! Meaning that the weird things I think and have always thought are not so weird after all and I am not the only person who who thought about the same things. In fact rather well known scientific boffins not only thought about them but studied them and have THEORIES named after them. I am a bit taken aback by that. The stuff I pondered upon and the weird ideas I came up with and was laughed at for are in fact what made people like Bohm and Einstein and Hawkin famous! No I am not saying I am a genius like them. I am just saying I am glad to find out I am not weird for thinking my thoughts and that my thoughts are not 'out there' after all. Or at least if they are, I am in esteemed company.

Too late now, but I wonder what I could have done had I not believed the lie that I was stupid and bad.

Xmas Morning

John and Luque.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Xmas

I went to see Elizabeth last night and we spoke about my pain management and drugs. Simply, I cannot take anti-inflammatories all the time because they will kill me or at least make me very much worse by damaging my kidneys and my already diseased heart. I was resigned to that. I can take a course of 7 days when it's really bad but not more often than every 3 mths ideally.

Later, after we had navigated the supermarket which was full of very inconsiderate people who clearly did not care a toss that I needed to get my shopping and decided they needed to get theirs at the same time. Honestly! Perhaps Tesco should have a 'Colin Only' time slot? Don't you think?

Anyway, I was thinking about my talk with Elizabeth and I suddenly realised that this is probably how I shall die. My disease will not
kill me, exactly, but the treatment will. Assuming they do not come up with other safer drugs. I will eventually have to decide if I want a longer more painful life or a shorter pain free one. The drugs will kill me.

Okay, so I know some of you will think this is rather morbid thinking but for me it isn't. It brings me a sense of relief really. Knowing what I likely face gives me a certain peace. Also it means I get to decide when the time comes whether to kill the pain and hasten my death or not. I like that feeling of being able to decide. It isn't anywhere near that time now, but it will come. For now I manage it really well. I do feel so much better for knowing exactly where I stand with this. It will also make it easier to deal with the present pain. Today I awoke, after a fitful night, sore and not very mobile and it was okay.

I am not sure if I have explained my feeling correctly. I am not saying I give in or anything like that. It's just that knowing where I stand with this is a relief to me. Knowing is better. It will also give me more strength to deal with the present. Knowing my choices is empowering.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Pope - Camping It Up

The Pope, foolish bigot that he is, has pronounced homosexuals a danger to mankind. He made this pronouncement whilst wearing a hideously camp outfit that would do any queen proud and whilst addressing a group of men in dresses.

If it were not such a serious matter, the whole debacle would just be laughable.

It isn't.

This regime has caused great harm to humanity for centuries. It held humanity back. If it were not for the RC Church, mankind would have devleoped much faster than it has. The RC Church prevented mass education as along as it could, killed in the most barbaric ways those who dared to disagree with it.

In modern times it has protected paedophile priests at the expense of the children they abused.

The Emperor has no clothes. He has no authority at all. If one has any knowledge of the Bible, it is clear that the Pope and whis organization are exactly the type of people Jesus preached AGAINST. The Vatican and it's evil have no biblical justification whatever. The opposite in fact. (Don't misunderstand me-I don't believe the Bible to be authoritative either but they do even though it make sit clear that they are wrong.)

The RC Church has caused untold misery throughout it's existence and it still does. It's teaching against contraception is wicked and unjustifiable.

The RC's are clever-they indoctrinate children very young because they know that 'give me a child till he is 7 and I will give you the man' is true.

This type of child abuse is pernicious and very difficult to undo. It can be undone but not without much suffering.

Humanity needs saving from him and his ilk, not from me and mine!

Monday, December 22, 2008


I Could Have Cried!

I very nearly did, but instead I just ran around the kitchen swearing till the pain eased off in my hand whilst my hips and legs screamed abuse at me.


I slammed the patio doors onto my left hand! Now I have two swollen and black fingers which if you squeeze them spurt blood which is quite fun now that the Tramadol have kicked in.

I was more concerned that I be able to knit. I can. I just wrapped the fingers so that they wouldn't bleed onto the yarn or fabric and I can knit. Not that I have. I went back to bed and slept for about 3 hours. For some reason I just felt unwell and knackered.

Today is the last day of the anti inflammatories. Just as well as I just found out that water retention is a side affect. I wondered why I felt so yuk and wasn't peeing anywhere near as much and why I have put on 7lbs without eating more.

We watched the Blu Ray dvd of The X Files - I Want To Believe last night. It was a real sod to get the bloody thing open in order to get the dvd out. Today I realised that the security thingy was still on it. I bought this on my own and I had gone thru the automatic checkout. No one there to take the security thingy off nor was there a warning I needed to. It wasn't an obvious tag. I do know now why when I left the store an alarm went off but I ignored it and so did the staff. The film was good. I enjoy the X-File sand have the whole lot on DVD. Gillian Anderson has grown into a beautiful woman. You should here her on TV here-she speaks posh English as she grew up here and her accent comes back. She was excellent in Bleak House.

I am more than half way thru the 3rd series of Grey's Academy. It took a while for this to grow on me but it did. It's rather funny and moving. We are also almost done with series 4 of Boston Legal which is just EXCELLENT. Very odd. well acted, good stories and funny and moving and surreal. When these are done, it'll be the 2nd series of Ugly Betty.
I watch all these whilst knitting.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


Does anyone know what happened to Dipsy Doodle of Innsbrook , Austria? She hasn't blogged for a year now. Her blog was popular, loads of comments and then nothing.

The Sweet Face of Evil

It is about 9c outside, dull and damp. I much prefer it to be close to 0c and dry or 24c and dry. The weather takes no notice of my wants though.

Slept really well, I awoke after an hour, went you know where and then did not wake for another 6.5 hrs! I stayed put, dozing for another 2 after having rearranged myself so I was half sitting up.

You know, I find it rather insulting/hurtful to be befriended by people whose aim is not to be my friend at all but to convert me to their way of thinking. Meaning convert me to their brand of Christianity. They aim is to 'save' me and some even want to 'str8en' me. Whatever, they aren't interested in me at all, just in making themselves feel better and pleasing their 'saviour' that they at least tried so that they have another point towards their going to heaven. Whatever the motive, I find it hurtful and it has happened a number of times now, one more recently, where I have been enjoying an email exchange about knitting or maybe more personal stuff and then they start with their fundy beliefs and I realise I have been conned. It isn't right to do that.

I have ideas, clearly, and I write them down here sometimes. I recognize that they are only ideas. I am not out to convert anyone. The main purpose is entirely selfish-it helps to give me clarity about what I think. It also helps me think and come to understandings I hadn't previously. If, and it's a small if, someone with rigid ideas, i.e. fundamentalists, is prompted to look and see the evil these ideas cause and change, then I would be delighted as it would mean it was less likely more children were being mentally and spiritually abused in this way. It is highly unlikely that happens because of what I write.

A while ago I made mention of this person I met who home schooled and I kept my mouth shut when she said she did so because she was a Xtian. I have more to write about that.

She appeared to be quite lovely to look at with a nice smile. It is quite incongruous to realise the evil that is in her thinking process. Yes, I did write evil. And how huge her arrogance is. And her fear was clear to me. I firmly believe that what she is doing to her children is evil. It damages them. She is teaching them lies and distorting their thinking and teaching them that to think for themselves is merely the Devil's way of tempting them so they will have have to go thru hell in order to set themselves free from her and the way their brains have been trained to think. She is not loving them but hating them. She is not saving them from hell but pushing them into it. Heaven and Hell are states of mind and she is creating their Hell for them. It breaks my heart and makes me furious all at the same time.

Here, children are removed from abusive homes, usually. Yet it is only sexual or physical abuse or neglect that brings this about. The abuse this mother( and presumably father) is subjecting her children to is every bit as damaging. It doesn't lead to instant death of course but can ultimately do so. It certainly leads to death of the self if not the body.

The only way to help these children is to deprogram the whole family. That will not happen and the very idea is fraught with danger. After all, that sort of control is exactly what causes this evil in the first place.

Another thought, one I have seen in action: there is little difference between Hitler managing to whip up his audience to fever pitch with belief in him and his ideas than a Xtian(or Islamic) preacher doing the same. It is well known psychology. The fervent belief they develop has nothing to do with truth but with psychological control, the chemicals our brains release in such situations that makes us feel so good. It becomes about acceptance and a feeling of belonging to a group. Of feeling safe. It matters not what the belief is because it isn't at the the core of it. Fear is.

If we could deal with fear, we will solve the vast majority of the problems of mankind.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Hip Hip Boo Hoo

Okay we managed to get some of the shopping we went for done but really my damned hips would not give up belly aching. Whether standing or sitting in the w/chair they hurt like hell, despite the drugs. arrgh! I hate anything to interfere with shopping. Shopping is one of life's essentials. Oh that reminds me, I overheard this conversation: 'what do you want from Lakeland?' said one person. 'I don't know but I am sure I will want something.' Now that reply was from someone who is just like me.....

I wanted a teapot and teacups to drink proper loose tea from. I saw plenty and they all cost around the £40 mark. The I especially liked was blue ware in fine bone china, £40 for just the pot. I ummed and aahed over it because I cannot trust my hands and £40 is a lot to drop. I decided to come back if I decided I wanted it. I am glad I did cos later I saw some blue ware fine bone china teapots and tea cups and saucers on sale. the teapot was £10 and the cups £5. I now have what I wanted and if I break it, well it's not so much dough to drop.

Shameless is being ever so delicate, staring at me all the time and wanting to be next to me. Yes it's cute but really can be tiresome too, especially when one is eating. She is about 10 days away now. I laid my hand on her belly and could feel the puppies rolling. Even after all these years, it thrills me.

That's it for me. My shoulders are joining the chorus of my hips. I took my drugs. I counted the evening ones and it comes to 12 of them down the hatch! Then there is 7 in the morning and another 4 half way thru the day. On a good day! I hadn't really noticed how many I take. 5 for my heart, 3 for my gut, 2 for my muscles and the rest for pain. If you have shares in drug companies, you really ought to nice to me as I feed you.

I KNOW!!!!

I KNOW that not all Americans are religious freaks so no need for anyone to tell me that. However, those that are not, seem to be allowing those who are to hold sway. Teaching Creationism in schools? Book Banning? Not voting for people who are not Xtian? A fundy President? See what I am getting at? Your constitution has been flouted. Church and State are supposed to be separate and it it clearly is not.

Good news regarding the anti gay marriage law in California. It looks as though it may well be overturned now that the State Attorney, who voted FOR it, has decided it is unconstitutional.

Up early here to go to Peterborough as this is the only chance we have before Xmas and the days after Xmas are going to have to be spent Shameless watching as she is due to whelp then.

We will also spend this break over Xmas sorting out my machines etc ready to sell. There is much to be sorted. Have to find all the bits and pieces to go with each machine and the instruction manuals etc.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I Must Be A Genius

I think I may have mentioned here before how I have a rather high IQ. However, did I tell you that in fact I am a genius? You will soon see why this is so.

As you know I have a 24/7 pain problem and I don't sleep well cos of pain. This has been for years now. I have been taking drugs for it and other problems for years now.

Well, and this is where my genius status comes in, I recently started to take my pain meds just before I go to bed. The result is I sleep much better. In fact I sleep about 4-5 hours without waking and then only to go for a pee and I go back to sleep again. About 6 is the limit before pain wakes me again.

Now only a genius would have figured out all on his own that taking pain meds just before sleep would give a better sleep.

Oh, and I am taking anti inflammatories right now. Doing a grand job they are too. I am not taking the Tramadol as a result. I am sure you will be thrilled to know that my bowel has resumed normal service. Well, I didn't know that Tramadol bunged one up just like codeine does. Unfortunately, modern research has shown that the anti inflammatories are not good for hart or kidneys so as I have CHD too, I can only have a week to 2 week course every few months. Bugger.Sorry, I mean bother.

Writing of sleep, I am having some very strange dreams. One involved male Country and Western singers and sheep. I am so glad Freud is dead and I don't rate him anyway. Last night, I was trying to convince some woman that I was not this list of men she thought I used to be. She was saying I had lived under all these aliases. I was trying to tell her otherwise when I awoke. Oh and I also was having a rather disturbing confrontation concerning my real past with a sister I never had. I tell you, I do have some very odd dreams and i remember dreams so well I have to remind myself that they were dreams and the places don't exist. Maybe they do somewhere. It is one reason I do not find the idea that we can survive physical death and still have a consciousness difficult to understand or believe. I go to all sorts of places in my dreams and feel all sorts of things and yet my body does not leave my bed.

I have been swimming this week and I may go later today. I have not been going as early as usual and I will be glad when my usual pool is open again after the refurbishment on the 2nd Jan. I am not certain if I shall go today or not. Last evening I was convinced I had a cold. I am not so sure now. I don't feel right and although I am not running at the nose like last evening, I feel bunged up now.

Did I mention that Luque follows me everywhere? He is at my feet whilst I write this. Trouble is he also howls when I leave the house. He doesn't keep it up as I am sure my neighbours would have said so by now. Quite why he is so attached to me I don't know.

His daughter Whitney is doing very well. She went to an all breed match the other night and was Best In Match.

Shameless is huge. Her puppies are due the Tuesday after Xmas but I would not be surprised to see them earlier than that.

Tomorrow, I plan to be up and out by 8am to go to Peterborough shopping. John is not home Mon to Wednesday and we can't go then. The Saturday after Xmas we will have to stay close to home because of Shameless so this Saturday is the only day. I wan tot go that early to make sure I get a parking space in the multi storey car park.

Writing of parking, it is grossly unfair that disabled badge holders should have to pay parking fees. We don't on mainland Europe. At least not in France, Germany, Belgium and other places we have been to. The only place I know of here that doesn't charge is the NEC. We don't have a choice about using or not using a car. To go anywhere, we have to use the car.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It Changed My Life

The Internet did.

Since I first went online back in 97, my life has changed very much for the better. I discovered that there were other people out there who thought as I did and also had had similar experiences to me. I felt less alone as a result.

All the travelling I have done has been the direct result of the 'net. I first drove on mainland Europe because of the 'net. I drove to Barcelona to see some Lhasa Apso there and from there to Denmark where I brought home amle Lhasa and later a female. I also met people who are now firends in Sweden, Denamrk, Germany, Belgium, Holland and France.

I have made some good friends. Only once did meeting up with someone did not work out well at all and I have no idea why. The person seemed to dislike me from the very outset, treated me with disdain. Unfortunately, I had already arranged a 2 day vist with them so went thru with it. A very odd and uncomfortable experience.

However, I met 4 other people as a direct result and have become good friends with them. Lia and Lui, Jane and Gordon and Diana. We spoent Xmas last year with them.

Then there is the knowledge the 'net provides. It really has expanded my own knoweldge of all sorts. It also has given me an outlet for my dog and kitting passions.

Above all, and this is the most unexpected thing, healing. Yes, healing. Thru the 'net I have found myself. I have also found a way of expressing myself and at the same time reaching out to other lost and lonely souls. I am no longer either lost or lonely. I know I am not alone.

The down side is that the 'net is rife with religious loonies! ;-0 I have learned much about the USA which I would have preferred not know. There appears to be no separation of state and relgion and the Religous Right there are no different to the Islamic fundies they hate. The USA and the Middle East have much in common and I think we have much to fear from them. Perhaps with this new Ppresident the danger of this fundamentalist evil will lessen. I certainly hope so. No one will be free if they hold sway.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


That is the amount of days of my life, including 12 leap years. Yes, 50 years today.Thank you for the birthday wishes you lot who sent them.

Someone was mentioning the signs of ageing they experience in the their 50's. Well, i don't have to worry about that. I have been knackered for years so I don't notice that. I do notice that I look more and more like Keanu Reeves as time passes. (Did I ever mention my body dysmorhpia? I used to look in the mirror and see the Hunchback of Notre Dame but now that I have got so well, I see Keanu .) Seriously, body dysmorphia was a serious issue and now isn't so much. I will write about it another time.

I am feeling better. I spoke with the doc yesterday and have started on a course of anti -inflammatories. Diclofenac for me. They don't upset my gut. Ibuprofen does. In cas eyou do not know this, one needs to take a course of anit inflammatories just like antibiotics. No good just popping them every now and then. Also they recently discovered they are not good for kidneys or hearts and as I have CHD, I have to be careful so can't have them for more than 2 weeks every few months. I take them when it gets really bad. I was able to get out of bed with trouble this morning.

Later I am going to Tuesday day time dog club. I have been asked to go. I think something is up to do with my birthday.

I bought 3 new pairs of Docs! Outrageous they are too. Two pairs are coming form the USA so that was a bit of a hefty bill but they are worth it. I hope so anyway! One pair is coming form here and a pair I have been hunting for for ages. Not only have I finally found them but at half the normal price!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dig In The Ribs

Yesterday was not brilliant and today was worse. I ate food yesterday that I knew would upset my gut so am paying for that today. I was in much pain yesterday, couldn't get out of bed until John had got my drugs for me and I took them and got up an hour or so later. I did bugger all all day apart from going to the afternoon service at the Spiritualist Church. This morning, I was in much pain upon waking and couldn't even get out of bed at all. John had to haul me out which hurt. So I have felt pretty rough and a bit sorry for myself and worrying about tomorrow; will I be able to get out of bed? Should I sleep on the recliner chair tonight?

Plus tomorrow is my 50th. I am not too happy about this. I don't mean cos it's my 50th. I am glad of that. How lucky I am to be here. I have no time for those who moan about their age. I count myself lucky to be here. However, this time of year, Birthday and Xmas, rather brings home to me that I have no family.

You know, for years I hid the pain of that under 'the outside of the family abuse pain', the molestation, the bullying, the humiliation. Yet the most devastating pain, the pain that nearly killed me, and the one I denied until last year, was the pain of the humiliation and abandonment by them, my family. Nothing anyone has ever done to me, not the child pornographer, the man in Singapore who accosted me in the jungle and all but raped me, the bullies, the boys who held me down and pissed on me, the boys who kicked me, the teacher who stood by and watched me be burned deliberately, the punches, the being called 'shit' for a nickname, the being spat on. The pain of loss when we moved, the loss of my pets. No none of that is anything compared to the pain those people who were supposed to be on my side caused me by abandoning me and the violence, physical and verbal, from my parents. The denial of it all that left me convinced I was mentally ill. They left me unable to trust myself and my perceptions. The pain of two brothers who left me to my fate and added to the denial and the abuse so that they could shore up their own defences. No nothing anyone ever did to me, nothing I have ever experienced, no loss has ever caused me anywhere near the pain that they did.

Yet I am here. I survived it. I know I lost nothing because they never were, and never will be, able to be there for me. I am not like them. I don't live a lie. I don't hate. I don't mock and I don't sneer. I have compassion and I feel for them. No, I don't want them anywhere near me but I want nothing but peace for them. The same as I want for myself and every other soul.

It happened again. I am feeling down and I get two emails that lift me up. One from a young woman telling that she has gained comfort from reading my waffling on my blog. Wow! That makes me feel good. I sometimes feel panicky about my blog and want to rub out my picture and all identifying things or just wipe it altogether.

Another email from a lady who was basically apologising for having read me in a negative way. I was completely unaware of the animosity she felt but I was so impressed by her email for it's courage and insight. How special is that?

I am always amazed, even though it is frequent, that when I am faltering, I always get a 'hey, but look at this' dig in the ribs from whatever the Power that is, is.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Back From Show

Well, I found out for myself that what I had been told about today's judge was true. I prefer to go an see for myself. I went and I saw that her friends did well. Whitney was thrown out with the rubbish which I knew she would do after I saw her judge the first two classes of the day. I could write more but I know this blog is read by a couple or more doggy people.

I had a wonderful day though. My black with yellow roses on Doc Martens went down well, I had a good chat and giggle with some people and came home.

My hips are bad, have been all week, thus the not sleeping well. Last time they were this bad I had steroid injections driectly into them but it only brought relief for abput 3 days and it is not worth the risk for such a short time of relief.

Condtional Love

From the comments section of a previous post:

"God does not condemn anybody. We choose whether we want to spend eternity with Him, or away from Him, that's all. He allows us our freedom to choose, because he wants our love, and love cannot be forced. I am not comparing apples to oranges - I am merely saying that love does not necessarily mean accepting everything the loved one does.

This describes conditional love and only those who fear can possibly believe other wise. Admittedly, on the surface this seems a much more liberal and loving interpretation of what happens to sinners-unbelievers.

Until one thinks about it that is.

What we are talking about here is abandonment, being cast out, set adrift. Clearly those who choose to believe this think this is far less cruel and wicked than the fires of Hell for eternity. If they knew what abandonment felt like, they may realise as I and others do, this punishment is just as wicked.

It is a source of bewilderment and pain to me that people just cannot conceive of a God who is not like us. Who is not vengeful, jealous, narcissistic, and insecure. They seem to think that a God of unconditional love would mean that those who transgress and cause suffering to others get away with it. I do think that is at the core of most of this belief in a God of 'Conditional Love'.
They don't seem able to see how we are 'punished' BY our sins not FOR them.

There is no point of no return. The way to the Light, to God, is always open to us. No matter for how long our back is turned on the Light, the way back is never ever barred to us. The way to the Light is painful for all. None of us is without error. None of us is perfect.

We have nothing to fear at all from God. Unconditional Love is just that. Unconditional. We will never cease to be, never be cast out, (or down!), never be abandoned. And it is not dependent upon what one believes in the way of dogma.

Our life, and in the next world, is completely dependent upon what we believe about ourselves and others and how we act as result.

I understand completely how fear can keep us hanging on doggedly to a belief system. I can also see the convoluted thinking required to explain how Unconditional Love can still be Unconditional despite conditions set upon it! I also see the falsity of it, no matter how good a person maybe at bamboozling themselves and others. And some orators are excellent at it and it brings millions to their 'mission' and they live a very wealthy life, thank you very much.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Dog show

It's 6.30pm, I am off to bed. Up at 2am for a dog show tomorrow. Probably won't write until Sunday.
Have a good weekend.


You didn't hurt me and I have no idea why you'd think you had. What I wrote was clearly not about you.
I also can't carry on anything in private with you because I have no clue who you are no way to contact you.
It might be better that you accept that I think differently from you and I do so because my conscience demands that I do. You'd be better off not thinking that if you were only nice enough I would see the error of my ways.
As for believing you/disbelieving you, you have given me nothing to think about, just a statement that I have heard before, and as before, you offer no details or evidence so why would I believe you? It isn't personal. I just don't believe any old thing I hear, no matter how sincere a person may be. I know a very sincere loving person who is a homeopath. I still think homeopathy is crap.

New Docs

Successful boot hunting.....

Morning Glory

These are a pair of socks knitted using Regia's new Kaffe Fasset design line. I used KnitPicks 2mm circular needles, both socks knitted simultaneously. Simple 1/4 garter rib. I used my simple toe up method utilising the Andersson heel Mach2.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Leaving Well Enough Alone

It astounds me how many people speak about spirits and mediums when they clearly have not the first idea what it is about. Mediums do not call up the dead, wake, conjure up spirits or eat babies or any number of nonsensical things that we get accused of.

The word medium merely means channel, conduit. Like a radio set if you like. Spirit contacts us, not the other away around. Not just mediums either though most choose to ignore it.

Incidently, the Bible is full of stories about mediums and about mediumship. Only it just isn't called that. They are called prophets, or holy, or Jesus even. If he existed, then what this book says about him makes it clear he was an excellent medium.

Thats the trouble when one blindly follows a belief system. One condemns another view without understanding anything about it.

Oh and I don't fall the old hoary story of 'personal experience of evil spirits'. That is a tried and oft used tale used when there is no logical leg to stand on. That is not to say that people cannot get into trouble for messing with what they do not understand, but this particular claim is always made tho the anti brigade who are also Xtian. The worst of it is that there is much evidence out there showing not only that mediumship exists and is real but also for the good, yet such people have already pre judged it so don't investigate for themselves. After nigh on 30 years doing so, investigating, both John and I know its for real and based in truly unconditional love.

Why? (again)

Kate says the Xtian God is a God of unconditional love.

Not so, according to the Bible. If one is a Xtian, then one believes the Bible yes? The Bible makes it very clear that God is not into unconditional love. I have heard just about every excuse there is, every rationalisation, every interpretation, from people who want their God to be a God of Unconditional Love (sensible)and yet still want to be Xtian.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I do believe God would be a God of Unconditional Love. He just isn't a Xtian. If he was, then he isn't and I want no part of a God like that. Far too human. What is the point of a God like a human with our worst flaws? Loving conditionally being one of them. (loving conditionally is an oxymoron if ever there was one.)

Whilst on this subject of love. Most religions say 'love one another' and most people balk at this. HOW CAN WE? Easy. Most people confuse love and like. We don't have to like everyone. That would be impossible. Perhaps even for God. But to love everyone is easy. Most of the time. It just means treating all with positive regard, with respect, no matter what. This is where the caveat of 'most of the time' comes in. It gets harder to do when they don't treat us likewise or when they hurt us,sometimes deeply wounding us. Yet what is the point of having a belief if one doesn't live by it? What a fraud one would be if one said 'I love everyone except for those who*******'

Another thought:. 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'. Funny how so many Xtians support and go to war and are in favour of the death penalty. Turn the other cheek anyone?

Oh, and women need to be obedient to men, keep quiet in church,and cover their heads also. Sarah Palin: ring a bell?

Are you a Xtian with a mortgage and or a credit card? Oops! Usury anyone?

Oh what a tangle we get into when we try to take the easy way and live by the conscience of another. When we refuse to think. When we deny the gifts we were given.

Oh and in Corinthians Chapter 13 (can't recall if its the first letter or the second or which verse) but it clearly speaks of the gifts of the spirit-healing, discernment, prophecy.

Funnily enough, one of the churches I went to, which thought that homosexuals and mediums were destined for Hell, used to give each other messages from spirit during their prayer sessions! I was not the person then that I am now and I was still in the grip of the nonsense I had been taught. The leader of this church and his wife were nice to me. So I thought. They were the first people I ever told about the abuse I suffered as a child, especially about the teacher who was a child pornographer, becasue that was a HUGE deal as I believed that was my fault. They received it well, I thought. They invited me to a special prayer evening they were holding in my honour. I went. They prayed for me. They prayed for me to be forgiven. I walked out, never to return. It was years before I got the help I needed because it was years before I had the courage to try again. I don't believe those people meant well. The way they thought was evil. They were more interested in keeping their own belief system together than they were in loving me.

Isn't it odd what comes out when one sits down to write?

Shaking The Bed

The new pool is good, or rather the experience of going there is good. Very helpful. Same distance form home. Has the advantage that their best time for going is 8am-9am so I don't have to be up at 5am and get up at 6am instead. Of course this just means I go to bed an hour later and therefore sleep the same amount of hours but it feels like I sleep longer.

The new pool is old fashioned. It has stairs cut into the walls. they are vertical and thus unusable by me. I jump in at the deep end and get out by way of a chair lowered into the water and hoisted up and out. I am not that keen on it. It feels precarious and also makes me somewhat visible. Still, I am at least getting my swim still and the pool I normally attend will be open again after it's refurbishment on the 2nd.

Some people don't just lack brains but manners too. Twice this week I have been happily swimming lanes, as are the others, and twice two rather large women have have got in right in the middle of us and not only that start doing backstroke! They then wonder why they get kicked by us doing the laps.

Did I tell you that when one is swimming in a pool next to a large person, it makes swimming more difficult? Well, it does. It's like swimming in the wake of a ship.

Last night in bed, I was deeply engrossed in my novel, The Gaudi Key, when I heard a loud fart! Ghosts? A ghost with gas? No. My 11 year old Nechung who sleeps on the bed with me. Did she excuse herself? No. She's French. Did she even look up? No. Not even when I shook the bed laughing.

Speaking of reading, I have just finished reading In God We Doubt by John Humphries. A really good read. Agnosticism is really the only sensible position to take. I only take issue with one thing he wrote, and that is that he does not think it is harmful to indoctrinate children, that belief is harmless. I am astounded by that and it spoils an otherwise sensible book. If you read it, don't expect any answers because rather sensibly he recognizes there are not any to give, or at least none we as humans can understand. He, like me, has no time for Fundies or for atheists.

I am feeling good in myself but not in my body. When I walk it feels like each bone in my foot is crunching, my hands are screaming at me all the time, my hips are whining. Yet i fell cheerful. I have been taking drugs just before I go to bed and it seems to help. I have slept better. I think becasue the drugs keep the pain at bay and thus I am not waking up all the time. I also take them before my swim. That is usually it. Just the two does a day for now.

On Saturday, I have another dog show, at the NEC. That will be it for this year but they soon start up again in January. There is not a month now without a major dog show.

Shameless has been showing well for over a week now and today is really quite large. I think she may well have a large litter. They should be here in just under 3 weeks.

Next week, on Tuesday, assuming I am still in the body, I shall be 18250 days old. That is some achievment for me. I cam so close a few times to not being.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


Why do people who follow a particular faith think that if only those of us who don't, understood their faith , or were not wicked, we too would follow their faith?

I am neither wicked nor stupid. I do not call myself a Xtian because I find the basic tenants of belief for that faith to be unacceptable to me. My conscience will not allow me to accept what it finds abhorrent. I cannot accept a God of conditional love. Nor can I accept that the only way to peace is to believe the unbelievable, to reject my own reason and to condemn others. I cannot ever imagine being at peace knowing that others are suffering because of their unbelief.

So now you know.


This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Monday, December 08, 2008

answer to comment

I find mediumship frightening. How do you know the spirits you are contacting are telling you the truth? There are malevolent spirits out there too, who could do you harm.

My answer is this:
I can understand why you or anyone would find mediumship frightening if one doesn't understand it. The second part of the comment I can answer by saying I have had no evidence whatsoever of that but much evidence to show the opposite. Nothing but love has been communicated. I cannot say the same for followers of some other belief systems who base their thought and deed on their idea of what was written 0000's of years ago. I have much evidence to suggest that what they have given is something that is about as far from from love and good as you can get.
I also wonder what evidence the belief in malevolence is based upon?
The ONLY evidence I have had of an all encompassing, unconditional and eternal love has come direct from the Spirit. I certainly have experienced nothing but healing without which i would not be alive or sane. Orthodoxy had nothing and has nothing, to offer me except condemnation and rejection. Spirit is inclusive, not exclusive.

Letter To A Good Friend

I wrote this letter this morning and decided it would serve as my blog for today:

I hope you are both well. I thought I would write and let you know how I am doing.

I have had an excellent year. The last few months of last year when I was so ill has done me the world of good. I finally dumped all that pain and shame I was carrying. I was shocked because I did not know I was carrying it still. It turned out to have nothing to do with the sexual abuse I suffered. It was all to do with the abandonment by my family and the physical and emotional abuse from them. It turns out that my mum and dad and brothers were the greatest source of my pain. The worst day of that period was also my epiphany.

I was in my bedroom, pacing up and down, terrified. I had been in a state of fear for about 3 months by then, crying a lot and feeling ever so frightened. I didn't know why, which was one reason why I was so afraid. The feelings would abate only to come back strongly until I thought I would die or go mad. That day in my bedroom, I called out to Spirit 'if you f'ng well love me, then show me NOW because I can't take this'. At that moment, I felt my gut lurch upwards and I cried out and fell to the floor, clutching myself and crying in a way I never had before. I was feeling what I had been so frightened to feel all of my life and then at 49 years of age, I finally had the strength and support and willingness to feel what I needed to feel in order to have a better life. It was like my very innards were coming up and out of me. I could feel all this poison leaving me. During this scouring I heard myself saying 'it wasn't my fault' and I was saying it to myself. I realised at that moment that the pain I suffered and the treatment I received was not because there something wrong with me but because there was something wrong with those who abused me. Oh I had understood for a long time that it was wrong to sexually molest children and wrong to punch and kick them and be verbally cruel. I knew all that. I did not understand though that these things were done to me because there was something wrong wit the those doing it. I believed that if I had been different, it would not have happened. In essence I still, in my heart, believed I was at fault. I believed I was evil and deserved all I got. I know in the deepest part of me now that this is not true and I am free as a result. At this time, my longest time friend phoned me and she talked to me as if I were a child, just repeating how I as not to blame and how they were the bad ones, not me. She didn't need me to explain where I was.. She knew. Spirit was definitely there.

All through that period, Spirit was with me. I came to understand then that they knew me, really knew me, and that I was loved and cared for and I had nothing to fear from them. I was so frightened and distraught during this period that I went to a church 5 nights a week. Every single time I got a message. It was always the same one and I didn't understand it! The evidence I got with the message was astounding. The message was all about how I was loved and how I was not at fault but as I had not yet had my epiphany, I didn't know what they were on about. I understood though that they were telling me I was not dying. I believed I was and despite the constant message telling me I was not, I was still terrified and believed I was. Of course the fear was connected with what I eventually had to feel in order to heal. In a way I was dying. The old me did.

I can't explain adequately how much this has altered my life and my way of thinking. You should see the way I dress now! I enjoy dressing up and I don't mind at all being noticed. In fact I rather enjoy it. I also am better able to deal with my physical problems today and my mood is stable.

My spirit work has improved immensely. My addresses are well received and I often have people come up to me to tell me how what I shared has really helped them or giving them a different way of thinking about their own life. I know that I am talking to at least one person like me when I go to work. The evidence I get and give out is also much better though I think that has more to do with my growing confidence and trust.

I have always had difficulty trusting. Not just others but myself. I was constantly taught when young that my perceptions were wrong, that what had happened had not happened.
So I doubted myself constantly. I am often told to listen to my gut. Much easier said than done because I did not not know how to listen. I was in a state of perpetual fear so it was difficult to know what my gut was saying!

Well, Spirit has found an interesting way to teach me about my gut. Through my dog shows. I came to realise earlier this year that possibly my gut was telling me how I would do at the show I was going to. It had nothing to do with what I thought at all. I have done badly at shows I thought I would do well at and have done well at shows I thought I would do badly at. And it seems my gut is telling me and that is what I need to note and not what I am thinking. The night before the show, or when I awake to get ready for the show, I will be busy doing something and I will get a sudden thrill feeling in my solar plexus or I will get a sinking feeling. It took me a while to connect this with the dog show. It would seem, from my taking note, that the thrill feeling I get is telling me my dog will do well and the sinking feeling is telling me my dog will not do well. I am also beginning to notice that there is a difference in thrill feeling. The last show I went to, I had the thrill feeling the night but I also felt excited about going when I awoke. My dog won. Now, this happened at previous shows where I did more than just get placed, but won.

This is new for me so I am still testing this out. If it is as I suspect, teaching my to trust my gut feeling, then that is excellent because I need to trust. It seems that I need to trust myself more than I need to trust others. Now if only my gut would tell me about the show when it is entry time because it could save me much money!

It is about 18 years since I first met you, *****, and that day is very clear in my mind. I recall what you said to me later about that day and how you felt when you first saw me. I am so glad that the feeling you got from me did not send you running in the opposite direction. So many people did. They misinterpreted that awful feeling to mean I was to be feared instead of surmising correctly, as you did, that they were feeling the pain I was carrying. You gave me your number and I would talk to you about everything but the problem for about two years. The one day I began to tell you about my past and you said you had been waiting for me to do so and you knew I would. I was so relieved because i was very sacred of telling you because I was sure you would reject if you knew just how bad I was. After all, if my parents and brothers could treat me that way, I must be wicked mustn't I? You didn't reject me and it lead to where I am today. Both you and **** have been there for me in my darkest hours and I am thankful always that you came into my life. How amazing are the workings of Spirit.

I am 50 years old on the 16th of this month and I am truly amazed to be alive and sane and happy. Yes, I am happy. I am comfortable in my own skin. I do not want to be anyone else. I like being me. I don't feel I have to please any more nor be liked by all. Okay, so I have physical problems and pain 24/7 but it is far far preferable to the fear and emotional pain I was in. Oh and of course I have times when I am in that type of pain, the emotions are raw again and the fear comes but those times pass more quickly and easily. The pain can be just as intense but the fear is less and I know what it is which makes it all so much easier. I lived with pain and fear for so long not knowing at all what it was or what caused it.

I do not know why I had the past I had. I have not heard any explanation I can accept. However, I did have that past and it has made me who I am now. There is much I do not understand. I do not know why we are all here. Nor do I know why we are. I do not know the meaning of life. I accept I am not equipped to know. Just like everyone else. None of us are capable of understanding.

I do know that we all survive death. I do know we are loved. I do know I am loved. I do know that those already in the Spirit know us and love us and help us. This I can live with.
With much love and gratitude,


Sunday, December 07, 2008

Johnny Mac

I knitted these for John using the yarn he chose. This is the most adventurous that he gets with clothing!

I used 2.25mm KnitPicks circulars, knitted both simultaneously.

I used my own Andersson heel Mach 2. The yarn is a standard sock yarn from a German superstore named Globus.

What A Layabout!

I did not wake up until 9.30am today! I was home from the show yesterday at 9pm and dropped into bed at 10.45pm The show, despite being indoors, was freezing. I had only worn my light silk longjohns although I had thought to wear the thermals on top but decided against as we were indoors. I wish I had. As the day progressed I got more and more pain and my feet 'crunched' when I walked. Ick.

It was a very good day showing wise. It was Whitney's first outing as a Junior (12-18mths) and she is just 12.5 mths old. There were 17 entered in her class and 15 present. Whitney won. I was very pleased and so was she. Whitney, as with the other dogs I have shown, knows that show ring is for her to show off, and she does just that. She loves it. (You may recall Lui hated it so is not shown.)

I finished John's socks and will blog them later today. I have another demonstration to do this afternoon. I doubt I shall do much else today. I am still rather sore. It is -2c outside, everything is white from frost, not snow.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Good Communication


It is cold and wet and blowing a gale. It seems the rest of the country are blowing blizzards rather than rain. Not fair! I want snow! It looks better. Yes, I know, it causes chaos too but it is still beautiful.


Last nights demonstration went well. I did the demonstration of mediumship with my back to the people and with a helper, a young woman from the audience, to tell me if the answer from the recipient was a yes or a no. It went far better than I at first thought. It turned out that one of the recipients was the aunt of the girl who was helping me and she never gave anything away at all. I had no clue. Her voice did not betray her at all. It turned out that the communicator who was a woman in her late 30's to early 40's form what I could see, had died of cancer and she wanted to talk with her mum. Which she did. She gave other details too. Her mother was the aunt of the girl who was helping me. Even more astounding for me was this was the very first time the young woman had been to see such a see such a demonstration. It was very moving. It had only been 29 weeks since the woman's daughter had made her transition so the feelings were still very raw.


My eye is much today. I have more or less mastered getting the ointment into my eye. I feel confident I shall go for my swim in the morning. After that, it will be preparing the dogs for the show on Saturday. Only one dog though, Whitney. Micah is retired for now until his coat matures. Whitney is no longer a puppy, being over twelve months of age so Saturday is her first Junior class.


Shameless puked up most of her food last night so I have fed her half her amount this morning and the other half will be fed this evening. She will have to be on split rations now as she is obviously too full of puppies to eat her one larger meal.


Am almost to the end of John's socks and have completed the back piece of my garter stitch wool sweater using the Brother Garter Carriage.


I had a painful night last night so didn't sleep that well. Recently I have taken pain killers before retiring which obviously was working. I didn' t take any last night because I wasn't hurting and I find it very hard to take pain killers prophylacticly so I didn't. Now I think it is good idea that I do. I am just scared of becoming hooked.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Oh B*llocks Two

I am having fun. Not only am I very stiff again but now I also have conjunctivitis in my left eye which is half shut and looks like a devil eye! I can't go swimming.

I went to the new pool on Monday and Tuesday and it went well, though I do dislike the hoist I have to use to get out of the pool. The guards lower a chair on a hoist into the pool which I then sit on and they winch me out. It is not pleasant a sit feels unsteady and is also very visible. The stairs at this pool are vertical and set into the walls and there is no way i can use them to get out.

Still, I swam 32 laps on Monday and though it hurt, I was much less stiff in my upper body when I got out. Mind you Monday I was unable to knit so I watched dvd's instead. I was so much better Tuesday and I swam 80 laps. Then I got this eye thing and so no swimming. I will got Friday morning though as I have a dog show Saturday and I need to be less stiff for that plus I need to be tired in order to be asleep by 8pm.

I am almost done with John's cable socks and half way thru my Kaffe Fasset socks. I am also knitting myself a garter stitch design sweater on my Brother 940. I am using a pattern that is already in the machine. I have chosen set in sleeves. It is pure wool ( 2/ 8's , 400m to 100gm) in orange.

Shameless is beginning to show now and she is back to eating well. She is due to whelp a few days after Xmas.

It is cold here, only 2c and dropping to -3 once the sun has gone. Everywhere is still iced up and the pavements (sidewalks) are slippery with ice.

I am due to give a talk and demonstration in St Neots tonight. However, thick fog is forecast and if that is the case, I shan't be going. Driving in fog is not pleasant nor is it safe. Especially so because there are too many w*nkers who do not slow down. I am astonished at the speed they drive when visibility is almost nil.

As today has developed I am feeling better. I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself last night and not too clever this morning. After doing my online wanking and emails , I sat to do my TM(transcendental meditation) and feel more alive and happier now. As I have said before, I can cope well with the joint and muscle pain I have 24/7 but give me a mouth ulcer or a sore eye, and I feel really miserable!

EDIT: Of course I meant 'online BANKING'.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Oh B*llocks

I know I owe emails (lia) and am quiet here. I can't really move my upper body well, my neck is bent forward and I can't move it side to side much and my arms really hurt with the most peculiar pain down both of them due to the impinging on nerves in my spine. It will pass. Have taken plenty of drugs, pain killers and muscle relaxants. I did swim today, half my usual, and it helped to mack me more mobile on top though it hurt like hell. In myself I am feeling fine, just annoyed that this is stopping me doing what i want, including knitting.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Ebay Sale

Addi turbo and bamboo, Clover and Inox Bamboo,(all circular) Simply Knitting and Interweave and Knitters. Click on link below and on the left hand side of Ebay page, you will see a link to click which says 'view sellers other items'.


York Photographs

These are views of York Minster. The stained glass is form the 1300's. The building itself has been redone several times over almost 2000 yrs, originally built on top of a Roman building, around 100 a.d. I love to see these buildings. The art work is astounding and one is awestruck by how they managed to build them without any modern machinery or measuring devices.

I do not however feel any sense of spirituality in these places-they are cold and I can almost hear the screams of those burned and tortured and butchered in the name of the religions these buildings stand for and the suffering these belief systems still cause today.

This building has been both Protestant and Catholic, but Protestant now.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Back Home

We got back from York yesterday, a day earlier than planned. I awoke Friday morning to find I was not able to move very well and in much pain. Taking my pills didn't help much so after giving them 2 hours to work, the full dose, we came home. I am rather p'd off. I hate being a wimp, I hate that this damned thing stops me doing as I wish. It was hardly as if we did a great deal either. Yes we were out all day both days but did nothing in the way of walking around in the evening. And besides I spent much time in my wheelchair. Thursday night from 5.30pm we went to see Quantum of Solace and then ate in a restaurant and then back to the hotel. Now how is that going to add to my troubles? Yet I awake the following morning barely able to move. Grrr. And all this despite the help John gives me. As usual, he is just there for me, and fits it all around me and my needs. It makes me feel bad at times like this when I have to change our plans after all he has done.

I am no better today. I was hurting even before I got up. Yes, I am feeling really p'd off with this right now. I am fed up of hurting everywhere. I even had another bloody ulcer cos I keep biting at myself inside my mouth. I am not conscious of it, but I chew the inside of my cheeks or lower lip.

Anyway, I am happy to be back with the dogs. They were of course very happy to see us.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Humpty Dumpty

Well we are off to to see if we can put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Won't be back from York till Saturday. I may have net access whilst away or may not. No idea. Maybe I don't want to though it is easier to deal with mail daily!

The dogs went to my friend yesterday and the house feels very strange without them.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

YES! We Have Snow

The dogs love to play in the snow. So do I. I adore snow. I can't play in it, of course, and it is too dangerous for me to go out in it, but I love it just the same.
Garden view - rear.
View from front door.
My car.


I got up too late to go to the pool today. I thought i had got up in plenty of time but Sunday swim is at 8am not 9am and I forgot that. I could have been up but I decided to lie in as there was no need ot be up so early. If I had remembered right, the time I originally awoke was the right time to get up.

I went to look at the pool in Wisbech yesterday as the pool I currently attend is closing for a month for December 2nd. I will not go back to the March pool where I had all that bullying. The Wisbech pool is not pleasant, small, and they only have a hoist for getting me out of the pool. I can get in with no trouble-I just fall in, but getting out I cannot do on my own. At the pool I use now, they have special steps and a lifeguard waits for me to get up them and hands me my sticks.

I shall probably not go everyday but will have to go enough to stop me seizing up.

It is -1c at present and blowing snow and ice. The snow won't stay but the cold will.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

MacKenzie - Cashmere Sweater

I knit this on the Silver Reed 830. I used 2 x 2/28's (=700m per 100g = lace weight) of 100% Mongolian Cashmere. I just use a calculator to get the shape. This has set in sleeves, fully fashioned shaping.

Windy Day

I am 11 years old . My name is Nechung.
I am Luque and I am 3.5 and the father of Whitney.
I am Micah, just 3 and the son of Nechung and the father of Shameless.
I am Whitney, 1 yr old, and the daughter of Luque.
I am Shameless and I am two and feeling very delicate cos I am pregnant.