Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I went to a sanctuary tonight where they give healing. There was
also a raffle in aid of MS.

I bought a ticket.

I won a tea towel-a souvenir from the very small country that my mother was born and raised in.....


I slept well and awoke and 6am. I was in the pool by 7am. I swam double my usual amount. I swam 66 lengths. 64 equals 1 mile. I needed help to get out of the pool but I felt good!

Monday turned out to be another healing day. I cried non stop for most of it. Yes, as some suggested, I was grieving for the mum I never had. I feel like I have turned a corner now.
I am in much less physical pain. My stomach has settled mostly, just the odd twinge here and there. I don't feel completely at ease but I am very much less fearful.

Yesterday morning, I did some more crying. Not for the first time, I was moved to tears by comments left here on my blog. One sentence in Joan's comment(FugueStateKnits) just floored me. I felt really honoured. I tell you it feels so so so good to be heard. I cannot begin to tell you how enormous being heard is for me.

I know you hear me. I am not calling out in the dark to nothing. I am heard. And I am comforted. I feel consolation rather than desolation. What is more, this goes far beyond us human beings, I feel something else at work here. So much has happened this last few weeks that suggests strongly to me an outside force has been there with me. I will write about that at a future time. I am not ready to yet.

Suffice to say for now that I know as best as I can know anything, that my mother has been with me during this 'dark night of the soul'.

Monday, October 29, 2007


Today so far has been pretty awful. I have been anxious all day. I have done things-swimming, washed and clipped Luna, I sat and deep breathed for ages which made me feel calmer.

I then walked the dogs. On the walk I was overwhelmed by my emotions. I suddenly found myself almost saying aloud that I wanted my mum. I feel embarrassed just writing that but it is what happened. I had to fight to control myself. why would I want something I never really had? why am I grieving for my mum? i don't get it. she'd not have been any use to me if she were here, she never was.

I really don't get this that is happening to me. It is so painful and I am feeling very scared and lost. I just want this to end. I don't know how much more i can take of it. no, don't jump to conclusions, I don't mean anything sinister. I just want this to end so i can ge ton and live and not live as i am right now.

Sunday, October 28, 2007


A while back, almost two years I think, there was a lot of spite sent my way via a UK based knitting list. For a while I had comments sent to this blog wishing I'd get cancer and die or that someone would push me over a cliff in my wheelchair, or just generally name calling and telling me what a nasty piece of work I am. That sort of sick thing came from a very sad individual.

Now it is possibly starting up again on another of my lists. I could be being paranoid of course and the poster perhaps was referring to someone else but I recognize the name and the spiteful tone.

I don't know why, but in the UK people seem to resent people who are any good at anything. They don't get pleasure from seeing the work of others, not even if it's good., The reaction seems to be to want to do them down and be spiteful and envious.

It results in bad feeling, lies spread about, and even looking at archives which proves that the supposedly bad things said, do not exist!

(Meaning I was constantly accused of being rude and mean to other posters by a group of spiteful women. It ruined the list which has not been the same since and lost some of it's nicest members. A request to look at the archives for my mean posts resulted in more spite spewed forth. It died down cos I eventually shut up and stopped trying to defend myself and let them be the way they are. I now rarely comment on that list. There are some lovely people there and some people DO enjoy looking at my work and the work of others and say so privately but are careful what they say on list because they do not want these spiteful women to attack them.). It's all rather pathetic! It amazes me that people can behave in such a manner and not think about it.

The Show

The show went well. 14 in the class, Micah was 3rd. At 23 months he is not mature yet, which is very common for this breed though some of course mature rapidly.

I did find it stressful, really wanted to be home. Did have stomach pain and at one point thought I might be overwhelmed by feelings. Both just passed off. I did plenty of deep breathing. The stomach discomfort just went way and I did not feel overwhelmed.

Just much more tired than usual. I think it will just take some time to get back my equilibrium and feel steady.

Yesterday was the best day for weeks, I felt able to cope and today was better still though I didn't realise this until after I got home from the show.

I still feel apprehensive about my emotions. I am pretty certain that I have got to the bottom of it, that I have spewed out the last of the filth. However, I feel like I ma walking on thin ice still and am keeping myself occupied and as calm as I can. Tears are still pretty much close to the surface, I don't mind that. It's the gut wrenching fear inducing sobbing I hope is done with. It physically hurts and is so exhausting.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

NOT depressed

I am so moved by all the support I have received by the comments here and by email.

I do want to make something clear though: I am not depressed at all. If I were depressed, I'd be in my bed mostly, eating lots of fatty sugary stuff and feeling very tired and like killing myself.

I don't feel like this at all.

Grief is not depression. Fear is not depression.

I have been experiencing much tension in my body, by fight/flight mechanism hass got out of hand thus the physical symptoms and pain. The more pain I get the more fear and the more I cry out what needs to come out, the more pain and more fear and the pain etc etc

In other words a vicious circle which I could not not break. I could have called the Dr before I did but I was afraid to. Not had good experience in the past when i have felt this bad. I was afraid I'd be hospitalized and drugged up. Well, I wasn't. I was prescribed diazepam as a muscle relaxant. It worked. I have an issue with using such things but do recognize I needed to. I have more if I need to but I resist them as far as I can.

In the meantime I am talking this thru with people and now am seeing someone on a regular basis. This time it's different because the counsellor I am seeing understands the religious/spiritual aspect of the abuse and is able therefore to address those specific parts of the abuse. Sort of like a deprogrammer.

I am doing deep breathing exercises. Simple - I sit as if to meditate but instead I inhale deeply thru my nose and exhale slowly thru my mouth. This is really helping.

I HAVE to get my body out of this 'fight or flight' mode. You'd be amazed, or maybe not, just what this can do to your body and mind. It really does feel like one is dying. On top of that, my own fear of my own emotions just makes it all the worse.

I was extremely relieved to hear Alan Johnson (kidnapped and released by terrorists) describe something I understood so well but thought was just me and no one understood. He said that refused to let his fear overtake him, he was going to meet his end calmly. No matter what his captors did, he remained unemotional. He said it was the only thing he could control THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WHEN I WAS A CHILD! I refused to let my fear show, I stood rock still and let myself be hit or molested. I did not cry. I did not run. Above all I did not let myself feel the fear because I though it would kill me.

It was such a relief to hear this man describe this same technique for coping. I wasn't mad after all! It was how I coped.

Of course, now I have to feel those feelings and deal with it. I think that part is almost, if not completely , over. My body on the other hand is going to take longer to recover and I have to bear that in mind. I need to rest, make sure I eat well, and keep up my swimming and deep breathing and exercise.

I am going to my dog show tomorrow with Micah. Shameless is staying home for now as she has hit the awkward gawky age. I am a little apprehensive about it. I don't want to have any strong emotions come up whilst I am not home and especially not at such a crowded place. My dear friend Linda will be there and she knows what is going on with me.

You know, perhaps this won't make sense to any of you, but here it is: writing this blog is so therapeutic for me. Not just because I am expressing myself. I know my writing has helped others. Importantly, I have witnesses now. I went thru what I went thru alone and silently and secretly. Now I have all of you as witnesses. That is so important to me. I am not sure why but know that it is.

Friday, October 26, 2007

weird or what

a few months ago i had a dream the likes of which i had never had before. I dream all the time and i have cried in dreams but this dream was awful really so terrible i was relieved when I awoke.

In the dream, I had been 'banished' from what seemed like a group of people. I was alone. the sense of loss i felt was so awful it felt just indescribable. in my dream i cried and the feeling i felt was the worst i had ever felt.

now this is what seems to be happening now. i feel like there is a huge hole in me and i don't know if i can fill it again. I feel such a sense of loss and it feels insurmountable. I can't spend the rest of my days crying this out. this has to stop but I feel so empty and hurt. i feel like my insides were ripped out. none of these words really convey what I mean or how I feel. I just feel so powerless and lost. If i were to describe it as a picture, i'd say my life line was cut, my cord of connection, and i am left floating alone in space.
Tuesday was by far the worst day. Wednesday and Thursday were much better, I even laughed.

Today is dodgy. I keep swinging form tears to fear to okay to fear to tears. I am going for a massage at 2pm.

I really want this to end now. I need my body to quit hurting and me to stop letting it scare me. I could take the pills I was given, I know it relieves it, but I really don't want to brush this under the carpet and also don't want to get dependent. I will take 2.5mg tonight if I need to. Lets see how I feel after this massage.

I need to be feeling strong to go the show on Sunday.

After feelign so much better wed and Thurs I am disappointed to be feeling like this today.

Love Is Knitting Boring socks

This sock is not my size as it's John's. Knitted on 2.25mm KnitPicks Circular needle. 80sts total The pattern is simple. k4, p4 for 6 rounds and then p4, k4 for 6 rounds. Repeat. The texture at least makes it more interesting. The yarn is one of the 'Prego' ones I bought at Globus in Sandhausen for about £1 (€1.49)a 50gm ball, 75% superwash wool, 25% nylon.
Knitted toe up using Andersson Heel.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Sweaters on Ebay

don't forget to click on the 'view sellers other items link on right side of Ebay page.

Loving Support

I sent this email to a list but thought I'd copy it here as I don't have the energy right now to write a blog post and this says what I want to convey to you all who have been so supportive.

The loving support I have received from posters here has been much appreciated. It has touched me and surprised me. Please believe that at my darkest moments they have meant so much to me and have helped me heal. Sometimes I'd be just about ready to jump ship and an email would come that made my inner dam burst and as the tears flowed so I began to feel better. I think I am coming out the other side now.

It seems none of us know how we really do affect each other and how loving support can be felt thousands of miles away and thru a 'cold electronic medium'.

In the old days, I'd have suffered alone....

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

i went through something like this in 95. around about the time i had told all for the first time to a therapist. everything. i became very frightened and convinced i was dying. i remember how ill i felt. how much my stomach and back hurt, in fact i hurt all over and felt really bad, couldn't eat. I had short bouts of tears which gave me some relief but i was soon back to the physical pain and feeling ill. Then the tears came and just didn't stop. I was completely floored by them and they hurt like hell.
I write this more to remind myself because this is what is happening now. yesterday was appalling. i did call my dr who happened to be away so i then called John's who i see sometimes. he was excellent, knew exactly what was happening with me and said he would help me without stopping the process. I desperately needed something to relax my muscles as the physical pain has been agony and frightening and the more frightened i became the worse the pain became. I couldn't get myself out of the circle so he did.

I slept well enough last night, and feel better this morning. Have been for my swim. keep feeling overwhelmed by tears or anger alternately it seems. i still feel scared .
i have a dog show on Sunday and want to go to that.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

whilst i thought i knew that it was not alright to have hit me or frighten me or molest me, i still thought this all happened because I was me. I think Irealise now that it had nothing to do with me at all and that it happened because those who did it to me were who they were. it wasn't because of who I was. it had nothing to do with me. it was them.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Monday Morning

I slept right thru till I was woken by a cramp like pain in my tum which went as soon as I moved and got up. So it was positional. Which means I slept deeply and didn't move. I went back to sleep and got up at 6.30.

I went for my swim. The duty manager today was one I have had problems with, her attitude stinks. Anyway, she asked what I thought of the new facilities in the disabled room. I said, like I said to yesterday's staff, the room was a vast improvement, accessible now. The only error was that the new lockers, 2 lockers, were not suitable as they are coin operated. Well she looked at me with disgust basically. 'what's wrong with that?' I explained that many disabled people cannot use their hands properly thus trying to operate these lockers would not be feasible'
Her response: well all they have to do is come and ask for help.......
Yes, right, doesn't this woman realise that 1. it is painful for most of us to move and 2. why does she insist we need to be humiliated in order to have our right?
She went on and said: we can't please everyone.

My response was: we are only taking about the disabled facilities here and it isn't about pleasing....

I have been feeling emotional since I awoke and I think more tears will come today as they have threatened to already. I held back as I had to drive John to the station.

I thought about my dad and I wondered if he was dying right now. Has he been ill this last few weeks? I have no way of knowing. In 94 he had a tumour removed from his bowel, so I was told.

I thought about his possible manner of death and also about what may happen to him after his death. It was at this point I was overwhelmed by tears and I prayed aloud that he would not suffer either before or after his death. I didn't think about it. It just welled up in me and I sent the thoughts out spontaneously.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

sunday evening

i feel better than this morning. less fear. have done a lot of crying. the awful pain in my stomach goes when I cry. I remember from that before, 12 years ago, when I went thru something similar. yet it still frightens me. the feeling is dreadful yet once the tears come it dissipates.

I listened to a talk this afternoon at a meeting which turned out to be about forgiveness. that set my tears off again. forgiving seems impossible. how can you forgive such pain? Not that I am sure what it means anyway as I do not want revenge and don't wish bad things.
then i got to thinking that maybe it is myself i need to forgive. for all sorts of things, the ocd, the eating disorder, the self medication, the hating myself, the putting myself in harms way, for choosing friendships with people who only abused me more because i didn't value myself enough to recognize ill treatment. How I managed to find John I don't know. Even that was not as it ought to have been as for many years i thought there was something wrong with him because he always treated me well. i found that very confusing and sometimes still do. He doesn't put me down, he recognizes my needs, he treats me kindly. He doesn't mock me or make me feel ashamed. he has never hit me. He hardly ever raises his voice. He doesn't frighten me.

I have done a lot of harm to myself. I also still feel shame. I feel ashamed of my current state. I feel I ought to be more grown up about it. others are far worse off than me. i worry about writing all this on my blog. vulnerability is not easy. i feel i ought to be 'over this'. but this is where i am and there seems little i can do about it except go with it and try and believe i will come out the other side.

one of the things i was told, apart from that i was possessed by demons(fundies have demons for everything), was that I would die horribly and sooner rather than later because I was offensive to God and I don't mean I said something offensive to god, no that i personally was offensive to god, my very existence.

This is all mixed up with my fear right now. no matter how illogical and wrong it is, the fear is still there and almost overwhelming. I remember laying in bed at night, when a a child and teen, terrified that I was about to be struck down and made to suffer for eternity in hell. now at 48, I am still laying in bed at night fearing the same but with more terror. How the hell did I survive that as a child? It is barely conquerable now so I just don't know how a child could deal with it.
Flashbacks are awful. I do see the illogicality of what I am experiencing but it doesn't stop the experience coming over me in waves.

I am tired now and will stop.

sunday morning

I have been for my swim. I am about to bath Micah.
I feel like I am walking on very thin ice and am about to fall in and not be able to get out. I am scared. I feel like there is something inside me trying to burst out and it scares me stupid. I don't know how to let it go. i hurt everywhere, i feel unclean. i want this to end but don't know how to end it. this thing that needs to get out terrifies me, it makes me feel overwhelmed. i feel out of control or almost so. enough of my life has been taken up with this. i want to be free of it. free for good. i want to live my life without this terrible fear that i am a bad person. if it really wasn't me then those people were truly cruel nasty people and that seems very hard to take too. this turmoil is dreadful. i am functioning and getting stuff done but it is very hard to keep going. i know i have to , i am not giving in but i also really want this to end, i want to let it all go and never have it back.
i feel this terrible fear and it is the worst. i hate it. i don't know how to get rid of it.

Saturday, October 20, 2007


Puppies at two weeks old, today.
John, today, watching the Rugby World Cup, RSA V UK.

Better Days

Yesterday was better. I went for a massage which I enjoyed very much. Today I feel rather sore!

I went for my flu jab this morning.

The puppies have all got open eyes now.

I very much appreciate the comments left by others. Only one spoiled their 'support' by their attitude. This person thinks the only reason I do not believe as they do about their religious belief is because I don't understand it. They also believe, arrogantly, that one day I will believe as they do.

This is fundamentalism. They put their own fear and belief above anything else and what sort of person, having truly read and understood my experience, would still come here with that attitude? A fundamentalist. I do not trust such people and do not believe they care for anything genuinely. Why? Because they believe that if they don't believe as they do, they will rot in hell and how can one trust any thing from them when it is so fear based?

It reminds me of a woman who was interviewed for a news program. She worked amongst the sick and dying and in Africa. she was asked why she did it. Her reply was was that 'she did it for the Lord Jesus'. In other words, I do it for myself because if I can prove I am good enough, I will not rot in hell. In other words, her attitude was one of selfishness, borne of fear. This is just so sad for me. It also makes me angry. I feel both feelings strongly. Really, had her answer been 'I do this because they are human beings and I really care about them and want to alleviate their suffering' it would have been right to think of her as special. Also, if you help people, but with an agenda, i.e. you want them to accept your beliefs, then your help is tainted and the results will not be as they could be.

If we truly care for others, we listen, we help, we care with no strings attached. We do not try to recruit them to our way of thinking. We are just there for them. Because we truly care for them and not because we think it will give us extra credit with the Boogie Man.(which to many their God is). If you feel you have to please your God in order to be safe, your have a Boogie Man as a God. And isn't there something about not having other god's before me?

The world is full of genuinely kind and compassionate people who love and care for other people. Many of these people are humanists, they have no god. Many of them have gods of various hues which they are not afraid of.

These people act out of love for themselves and for others-they don't act to please a despot god.

Well, that wasn't what I had intended to write this day.

Now I am off to shop.....

Friday, October 19, 2007

Hanging On

I don't know what to write. I do appreciate all the support I have received from comments and emails.

I am alternately fearful and tearful. Tho the fear is lessening and the tears increasing. I think this is probably a good thing. I feel exhausted.

I am managing and the dogs are getting their usual care and attention. the puppies 2 weeks tomorrow are doing very well.

I am hoping this is the final clear out and that after this I can hold my own and feel like I really am good enough despite my family's judgement of me as evil.

I realise without my family having prepared me, the religious fundamentalists would never have been able to get their claws into me all those years ago. Had I not already believed I was wicked, their cult thinking would not have impinged upon me.

It can be very confusing and frightening to hold opposing beliefs at the same time. There is the adult logical me that knows all I experienced and was taught was wicked, not me. Yet there is the terrified little boy still with me who believes every word and every action and still believes that if his own parents rejected him he must truly be wicked. And as for God-well God the parent? No wonder that brings me no comfort at all, just more fear.

Somehow or other I need to convince the boy that was to believe me, to trust me, to let me love him and guide him right. I realise that keeping him contained , as I have successfully done for years, is not the way. I have to change his mind. I have to show him that his fear is groundless. I have to show him that those people were wrong and that he is just as worthy as any other human being. Quite how I do this I don't know. I do have to though, that has become obvious. I can't live well with him as he is. I need to rest, as does he.

We both deserve better that this.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Emilio - Mexico Color

Mexico Country Colors by Fortissima Colori-Socka Color. No. 16 used. Knit with KnitPicks 2.25m 80cm circular needle. Knit toe up.
Andersson Heel used.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

4 days + 10days old

4 days old.
10 days old.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Stormy Weather

This has not been an easy time. Swinging from fear to grief and back and forth like that, with some good hours.

Last night was especially not good. I slept fitfully. John says I kept waking him up by shouting in my sleep. He says I sounded angry. He told me this after I had been for my swim.

During my swim, I came to the conclusion that I feel something I have denied feeling. I hate my dad. I ma not sure what means exactly. I don't wish pain and suffering upon him. I don't wish him ill. However, I do feel strongly that neither of us would be safe if he was physically anywhere near me. I am not sure I would not beat him to mush.

And this is the problem. Anger. I detest it. It terrifies me. His anger was the source of all my problems. His hatred. And I have never wanted to be like him. My own anger frightens me. It also make sme feel guilty and ashamed. How could I be like him? And worse, I am constantly told I should forgive and that forgiveness is withheld form me because I am bad to feel such rage toward my parent.

Well **** that! I do feel rage toward him. So much so it hurts and I have to find a way of letting it go. It colours everything. It keeps me tense.

When I think about him and the words he used toward me, the fear he caused me to feel when in his rages he physically hurt me, the sneers and disgust on his face. The judgement. The condemnation. The lack of love.

How dare he? How dare he father me and then treat me like a worthless piece of shit? How dare he blame me for his behaviour and attitude? What sort of man is he? He used to go and on about what a failure as man I would be and am, but what the f**k sort of man is he? A COWARD? A BULLY? A SELF-CENTRED IMMATURE BOY? A JEALOUS ENVIOUS PROUD FOOL? A LIAR, A FRAUD. ALL MOUTH AND NO TROUSERS? WHAT SORT OF 'MAN' BEATS UP A CHILD MUCH SMALLER THAN HE? WHAT SORT OF MAN TERRORISES A CHILD? BULLIES ONE?

I am far far more of a man than he ever was (or is-I don't even know if he is still alive but think he is because I would know if he wasn't - the same way I found out my mother had died. That's another story.)

Despite him I grew up to be decent and kind person. But one who feels this terrible rage and who feels guilty for it. I am scared of it and ashamed of it. I do not want to be like him.

There is no excuse at all for his behaviour and treatment of me. NONE. It was all him! I did not ask for it. I did not deserve it. I did not fail him. There is nothing wrong with ME! There was something wrong with him, big time. HE was the one with the problem. HE was the one who failed. HE was the one who lacked. HE was the one who did not deserve me.

And frankly I don't give a toss what you, God or any other f***er thinks about how angry I am. I am angry. I have been angry for a very long and I am sick of pretending otherwise. I am also heartily sick of feeling bad about myself for feeling this anger. Why the f**k should I not feel angry? For f**k's sake, look what he did? This isn't just some one off injury. That bastard nearly destroyed me. And he got away with it! It was ME who was punished. ME who paid the price of his sins. ME! How dare that be! If I had got angry years ago I could have protected myself. Instead, I rolled over and took more and more. Not just from him but from others. I spent most of my life apologising for being me. No more!

I know this anger will go but it can't until I at least acknowledge it is there-which I now have-and expressed it which I have begun to.

I don't need to be told to forgive. IF that happens it will happen of it's own accord, as it did with with forgiving my mother.

I want a lot more out of life, I want to live more or it, and I am not carrying that bastard with me to shit all over it.
I am sick of feeling afraid. No. However long it takes, he is going to be exorcised out of me. He will be banished. He will become nothing. And I will be something and enjoying every minute of it.

Friday, October 12, 2007

A Long Way Home

I wish I could write that everything is fine and that I am back to my bouncy positive self. I am not. I am moving in that direction though.

I have worked though quite a bit though. I mistakenly believed I was reliving stuff I had already dealt with. I have not been. This is the first time I have come face to face with these particular feelings. Grief is really much more complicated than one would imagine.

My father hated me. Right from the off. Or at least as far back as I can recall. His hatred of me cost me dearly. It nearly cost me my life on more than one occasion from his violence but also my own self hatred which grew from his hatred of me, nearly killed me.

I had never really addressed this issue. This last 10 years I have become strong. I have eschewed drink and drugs to alleviate pain. I have sorted out my eating disorder. I have to a great extent dealt with the OCD, which in my case manifested itself in compulsive checking of taps and doors and locks etc before leaving the house and then having to back and check again until I decided it was best not to leave the house! I rarely check to that extent now. I also no longer smoke cigarettes.

However, I never lost the fear that I was at fault. That I as not a good person. That I was destined to suffer because I was an evil child and thus an evil adult. After all, those who taught me religion told me I wa sevil and so did my family showed me I was. After all, must I not be evil if my own parents cannot bring themselves to like me let alone love me?

As a result of his hatred of me, I lost everything but my soul. I lost my education. I lost my nuclear family and my extended family. I became the scapegoat. The one upon whom all fault was placed. It is easier for my brothers to blame me than it is to face the fact that neither of our parents loved us. Their hatred of me is the key that keeps the reality of it locked away so that they may lead more peaceful lives, not realising that this is what motivates their constant flight.

When one sees such a look of disgust in the eyes of a parent, or parents, it is all but destruction to the self. If it were not for the love shown to me by outsiders occasionally I would not have survived intact. People like Miss Abbot, my teacher when I was about 7-8 years old. She would take me out after school. I went to her teacher's quarters where she fed me crumpets with butter and jam and tea. She was nice to me. I think she knew my plight. There were others like her, always women. In my ignorance, I thought all who were nice to me were nice people. Hence I did not see the evil in the male teacher who also befriended me so that he could use me in his pornographic films. As far as I was concerned he was nice to me. he was an adult and I obeyed adults. He didn't hurt me or frighten me. He knew the sort of child I was-frightened, desperate to be loved and confused. He knew how to manipulate me and use my plight to his advantage.

I was bullied at school. The same school he was at. I was spat on, punched and kicked and pushed over on a daily basis. My nick name at school was 'shit'. If I was addressed, it was 'hey, shit'. I thought they knew what I did with the teacher. I never thought in terms of what the teacher was doing to me. It was all my fault back then. I got called queer and poof too but had no idea why....or even what the words meant.

I have an above average IQ. I was so disturbed when young I couldn't use it. Any hope of a career was lost to me. I wanted to be a vet-what else? Had I not used all my energies to survive the fear I lived with 24/7 I may well have reached my intellectual potential.

I think I was not boy enough for my father. I was happier playing with girls and my interests lay with 'girly' things though I myself was not especially effeminate. I also climbed trees, was a daredevil and always up to something. I had no malice in me. I preferred peace to war.

I removed the uniform from my Action Man doll and made him flower power shirts and trousers....the symbolism of that is so obvious. (My dad was a soldier).

My two bothers escaped this particular disgust. Though they did no escape emotional and spiritual and physical abuse. Later when I came out, there was no support from my elder brother, not even privately. I was left ignorant of his homosexuality. As later I was left ignorant of my younger brother's. Yes, three sons and we are all gay. Thank goodness we didn't breed, and instead put a stop to the abuse cycle.

The year I spent in a mental asylum, one of those big locked Victorian jobs, I was rarely visited. No one believed my story. The whole family jetted off to Florida for a holiday. A huge deal in the late 70's. I denied my heartbreak. I denied my rejection. I didn't even look in the direction of the pain and anguish. I just carried on harming myself. Unaware that I was in agony, unaware that I was treated appallingly. Only aware that I was bad because otherwise why would this be happening? Needless to say the staff, both doctoral and nursing, reinforced this view with their own abuse of me and of other patients. Yes, I am afraid so. These places are not places of love and care but places or terror and torment and fear and abuse of power. They are no place for anyone in need to love and care.

Concurrent in my life was the spectre of religion. Roman Catholicism first and then Jehovah's Witness and then plain old Born Againism. And unbeknown to me till my 20's, Spiritualism - the only belief system that could have saved me for it is the only one that doesn't have dogma and creed and judgement.

This is where it gets even more complicated. If I truly were to write a book about my life I think it just would not be credible-or maybe because of it's very weirdness it would be more than credible!

On the one hand I was being told I was evil. At home and at church and at school. In several different continents and countries. The evil travelled with me no matter where I was. So of course it was my fault. I was a magnet for paedophiles and bullies. No sooner did I arrive in a country, I was molested and no sooner was I introduced as the 'new boy' in school , the bullies found me.

Even to me it is quite remarkable that I am sitting here writing this. Living a happy productive life , even if I am experiencing a little difficulty right now.

Anyway, as a child and teen I had imaginary friends. At least I was told they were imaginary and if I dared suggest anything else...well you get the picture. Yes, think The Sixth Sense.
As child and early teen I knew things I ought not to know. That were impossible for anyone to know as they had not yet taken place. Adults didn't like it. Other adults did like it and they told me their problems, full grown adults telling me their most intimate stuff when I was 14! I had no clue what I was doing. I was not aware that I saw things others did not. I was not aware I knew things that were not normal to know. Nothing seemed odd to me. It only seemed odd to others or evil to still others.

On occasion, I'd meet an aunt when we were in the UK. She was usually hovering near me. For some reason my mum did her best to keep her from me. When she did manage to get to me, she would always hurriedly say something like this: 'Don't be scared. you are special. Jesus loves you. You have a gift and one day you will use it'.

Now she was the only one whoever suggested God might love me. So I wrote her off as nuts.

Years later, in my early 20's, I came to understand what she meant. At least as far as gifts were concerned. The 'Jesus Loves You' bit still left me thinking she was nuts. To be frank, my aunt was not the full ticket, neither was her husband, my blood uncle, but later became instrumental in helping me on my way to where I am now.

So as you may well be beginning to think, there is much more to me that I have so far let on. Why have I held back? Fear is one reason. Not knowing how to express it is another. Being confused by it all another and not wanting to be a hypocrite a major other reason.

You see, as fear has ruled my life and still does to a great extent, how could I then write about deeply spiritual matters? How could I trust it? Oh, I trust what I say to others, the help they receive thru me. But I didn't trust it in relation to me. I didn't trust I was loved. I am looking at this trust thing.

I have had so much happen this last couple of weeks from a spiritual point of view that I feel I am on the brink of a massive change in my consciousness. I am beginning to see how it is possible that I have been guided and protected all though my life. How the times I was closest to the brink I was pulled back. How I am truly understood. How my inability to trust is understood. I am beginning to see that this is the reason the same message has been repeated over and over again in the last couple of weeks and especially so the 4 times in 4 days this week, through different people, just when it was darkest. It may be the reason that thru this dark time for me, I have received so many emails from people expressing a care and telling me how much I have helped the writers of such emails.

I am beginning to see how I can cease to be afraid, how I can move on, and how I can better put my abilities to use.

I do believe this is my longest ever post. Thank you if you stuck with it this far.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


I am waking up ready for my 6.30am swim. It's the easiest time to go-as soon as the pool opens.

I still feel like I am walking on egg shells. I have improved, I physically feel much better and am sleeping well enough. My stomach has settled and is almost back to normal.

Back at the end of 94 I was admitted to hospital with similar problems to those I have been experiencing this last few weeks. At that time John was told I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that the reason I was so ill was because I was having severe flashbacks.

I was in no fit state to argue at the time but I didn't believe the doctor and thought the whole idea to be stupid.

Now I am not all sure they were wrong. This last few weeks I have felt very much like I did as a child. I have been experiencing a lot of fear. For no current reason. And yes, I can think of two recent situations that may have triggered this off.

The difference between 94 and now is that I am much more grown, stronger, and knowledgeable. I am dealing with it much better. I think the worst is already over.

I have to say I am somewhat shocked at this. I didn't have a warning as far as I can tell. Whilst I know our pasts are never fully over, I really did not ever expect it come up and bite me like this.

This in itself has made me feel afraid. As well as embarrassed. And angry.

I am meditating, exercising, eating well, and generally taking care of myself. The sooner this passes the better.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Glass Ceiling ( Bigots Rule)

John has been in the same job for 36 years. He is an expert in his field and is world renowned in that field.

Some years back, his boss retired. Everyone assumed John would take over. They brought someone in from outside. That didn't work out.

Again they brought in an outsider. That didn't work either.

Now they have another outsider. When the boss is away, and John is with him, it is John who knows the answers and does the talking.

John does not have the boss's job because John does not have a wife.

It upsets me that they would treat him in this fashion. Never mind the financial costs to him of their bigotry, the personal cost and humiliation is bad enough.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Sweaters on Ebay

Ebay Sweaters

I put sweaters on Ebay. The link will take you to the cashmere one. To see others, click on 'view seller's other items' which will be on the right of the page.

Juderry's Yankee

This is Juderry's Yankee, the father of Luna's seven puppies.

He has a wonderful temper, is built as an Apso ought to be and moves just like they ought to as well. He has a good head and expression and excellent bite. I have seen several of his offspring to different bitches and decided I had to use him myself.

In the photo he is still a puppy but you can see his elegant shape.

Feeling Better

I am feeling much better today. A little fragile but not the wreck I was yesterday.

Thank you to all those who emailed me and left comments of support. Very much appreciated. I apologise if I missed responding to anyone. I read them all and appreciate each one but don't always have the wherewithal to respond.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

i don't know that this is a bad thing or out of control. I have been crying most of the day. rolling around on the floor clutching my stomach type crying. after the tears the discomfort there feels better. i seem to recall something like this before-stomach pain which went when i cried.
i am so shocked that this has happened again so long after the last time. i didn't expect grief came back with such force. I am feeling better though and less fearful.

Bubblegum Socks and Puppies

This is Gail's sock in Blue Faced Leicester which I bought from mrsmunro on Ebay, who calls it Florabunda. I knit it using Hiya Hiya 2.75 for the body and Addi turbo 2.5mm for the rib.
I knit it toe up using my own Andersson Heel.

Another picture of Luna and puppies.

They're Here

4 boy sand 3 girls born between 4.50am and 8am.

Friday, October 05, 2007

They Are Coming

Luna is in labour now. I shall be up all night.

Garter Stitch Sweater

Knitted in 100% wool, supersoft, using the garter carriage on 940, my own design adapted from another. I am pleased with this. It came out to size. The neck fits just as I wanted, it stops just under my chin, no folding. I like the 3 x3 ribbing. This is a casual loose fitting sweater.
Close up of stitch pattern. The colour is altered so as to show stitch detail. Real colour is more like the photographs above.

Fear Again

So yes I am still stressed out. The fear has been very intense today, as it was Tuesday. This is hard to put into words not to mention it makes me feel ashamed. Reliving feelings from so long ago just makes me feel inadequate. It's over, it was a long time ago, yet here it is haunting me.

It's all tied up with a crisis of faith I think. Both the having to battle at the pool for my rights and the way I was triggered by a person has brought so much feeling up. Mainly fear.

I experienced tremendous fear in 95. This was the year I told. And told it all. I had been seeing the therapist for a year then and it took that long before I could tell him the whole truth. The result of telling was me plunging into abject terror. I had had a fundamentalist background(too complicated to explain) and of course one had to honour thy mother and thy father and what i had done was a sin and I was now going to be paid in full. Ridiculous maybe but the fear is just as real.

So for some reason I haven't quite fathomed I am back there now. The fear is coming in waves and then it subsides. I know the fear isn't logical. I know that the focus of it, my body, is okay other than the usual pain it is in but now that pain has taken on a sinister meaning and that scares me stupid. Then the grown up part tells me off and knows it is nothing but the arthritis etc causing this. Then I feel better then I get the other voice telling me I will be made to suffer now, you don't deserve anything else. You can see why this is embarrassing to even admit to but there it is.

I have talked with 3 good friends today for about an hour each. All have said the same thing-how it is obvious my stuff got triggered and that is where the fear is from. Talking helped as it helped me hang on to my sane self.

I really haven't experienced this anguish for many years and never thought I would again.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Cheesed Off

I am not at all happy. John has gone off to Tallin, Estonia with no warning. Which means I am stuck here on my own this weekend. Can't go shopping or anything so just as well we have a full freezer. Oh okay, not that bad. If I need a few bits, I can do it on my own. I also get lonely when I am on my own at the weekend as well.

What I am really p'd off about is that Sunday is the Lhasa Apso Club's Championship show into which Micah and Shameless are entered. I cannot go as Luna needs 24 hr supervison right now, especially as her pups are likely to be here tomorrow night.

Of course, no one I have asked wishes to come and stay here for a few hours Sunday morning.
The judge for this show is almost 80 so I doubt very much if I shall get another opportunity to show under him.

Had another disturbed night with pain. I figured out it is muscle spasm in my rib cage. Figures as I have this condition there, which I can never remember the name of, which is inflammation of the muscles between the ribs. I almost always feel like someone has kicked my in the sternum. So that explains why the Protium doesn't stop it happening!

Things at the pool seem to have changed for the better.

I have almost finished a navy blue garter stitch sweater using the garter carriage.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


I bought some bubblegum multi coloured Blue Face Leicester yarn off ebay (mrsmunro) a while ago knowing they wouldn't' be for me but for my friend Gail.I measured her foot. I then proceeded to knit the sock using my Andersson heel.

Gail came around tonight for a fitting.

THEY FIT PERFECTLY. I am so pleased and so is Gail.

Her foot is 9" long and I turned the heel at 7" having first increased by 24 sts the sole.

Gail is not only lovely, I met her because she bought Vienna an Apso pup from me , but she has courage. She ran the London Marathon last year just a week after finishing radiation and still on chemo.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Cashmere Sweater

I might sell this if I get a sensible offer:
tantraapso AT btopenworld DOT com

100% Mongolian Cashmere. 38sts and 60 rows per 10cm 2 x 2/28's (700m per 100gm). Knitted on my SR830(fine gauge). 64 cms/25ins wide and 69cms/27ins long. Drop shoulder, casual fit.
Machine wash at 30c. gentle cycle.

Life Today

It's at times like this that I really wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. I am still all over the shop as regards my emotions going from grief to anger to fear to okay and back again. I know this will pass. I juts hope it hurries away soon.

I have completed a cashmere sweater and will blog it later. I am doing the collar on a garter stitch patterned sweater and then have the sleeves to knit. I am using the garter carriage for this.

Luna is getting increasingly uncomfortable and not so keen on eating now. I think her puppies will be here by Friday night.

I have lost 10lbs since I got back from Germany. I initially lost 80 odd pounds and have kept them off for the last 3 years. Now I am working on losing another 30lbs. Thank goodness i discovered swimming because I am sure that is what is getting it shifting again. Plus I am being rigid about eating on plan. It's much easier when the food you might want makes you sick...

Ravelry is doing my head in. It is sooo HUGE!

I am seriously thinking of starting to publish patterns for my socks. Maybe I'll move on to doing the same for my sweaters .