Wednesday, October 24, 2007

i went through something like this in 95. around about the time i had told all for the first time to a therapist. everything. i became very frightened and convinced i was dying. i remember how ill i felt. how much my stomach and back hurt, in fact i hurt all over and felt really bad, couldn't eat. I had short bouts of tears which gave me some relief but i was soon back to the physical pain and feeling ill. Then the tears came and just didn't stop. I was completely floored by them and they hurt like hell.
I write this more to remind myself because this is what is happening now. yesterday was appalling. i did call my dr who happened to be away so i then called John's who i see sometimes. he was excellent, knew exactly what was happening with me and said he would help me without stopping the process. I desperately needed something to relax my muscles as the physical pain has been agony and frightening and the more frightened i became the worse the pain became. I couldn't get myself out of the circle so he did.

I slept well enough last night, and feel better this morning. Have been for my swim. keep feeling overwhelmed by tears or anger alternately it seems. i still feel scared .
i have a dog show on Sunday and want to go to that.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hooray for doctors who will LISTEN! I am glad you are getting some relief.

It's a long road, but it does seem that, over time, it becomes a bit less crooked and bit less bumpy. It's a parallel road of our life's, though, and sometimes we need a little "direction" to get over the next hill.

I'm thinking about you. I hope you get to go to your dog show. I'm sure it would be refreshing for you to be with people who enjoy the things you do.

Unknown said...

I often read your blog Colin, when I dont read it because I dont have time, I will still think of you during the days. I wish there was a way I could be of help. We have our friends, they make life easier and I feel like a friend.
Are you showing any of your dogs on Sunday? Its nice to see the puppies growing so big at only two weeks!
You are a good person Colin, I wish you peace and comfort in the coming times from the nightmares that plague you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Colin: about the time you started on this bout of deep suffering I was experiencing a similar episode: I eventually came down with the flu. The two were interrelated, no doubt. I had so many times thought to write you that it just might be related to something in the "stars". Could be, you just never know. I'm better now but still stuggling with feeling frail and unable to cope. Are we just victims of the universe? I'm not willing to say that.

You're one of the strongest humans I know and I hope you'll ut yourself some compassion during this trial by fire.

Love you.
mb

Anonymous said...

Colin,

Forgot to add in my e-mail that you have been through this before, so concentrate on that - you can survive, you did it before. It's worst when it's the first time that you are down in that dark well, and there's no light, and you don't know if you will come through. Well, you came through before and you can again.

On a more pleasant note, I'm about to try the Andersson heel on some socks. Thank you for sharing it.

E-hugs and positive energy, aj

Anonymous said...

amazing someone could make a person feel so bad. I would like to pucnch his lights out. Direct and to the point, that is me!
Carol

Anonymous said...

We're all here, with you, Colin. Wish we all could be there in person, as well.

I hope you make it to your show. The day of fresh air and beautiful dogs will do you well!

Gentle hugs and peaceful wishes,

Terri

Anonymous said...

I'm sad that you're having to re-live the torture you grew up with to put it away for good, but remember, you survived it all and have come so far. I'm glad that you're blessed with a good person like your John in your life and the beautiful dogs and the others (who you've met and who are friends from afar) who value you as a good person in your own right.

Anonymous said...

Colin,
I am so glad that you were able to get some physical relief at least and that you found a DR that listened and understood your issue. That is actually pretty amazing.
Seems like John has been away quite a bit lately, maybe the extra time alone is bringing this to the forefront.