KNITTING AT THE DOCTOR

I had a doctors appointment this morning. As is my wont, I sat in the waiting room knitting my sock.
The last time I did this, a small group of more mature people, women mainly, started to talk with me about what I was doing. They were uniformly impressed.

This morning two young women sat opposite me and they started to talk about what I was doing. They could be clearly heard but obviously thought I was of an age that I would surely be deaf so they didn't moderate either their volume or their words. They discussed what I could possibly be knitting. Giggly. Neither guessed it was a sock. They decided in the end that I was knitting a Willy Warmer.

I said nothing until I was called for my appointment. At that time, I looked at the two young women and said;

'If you think that is a Willy Warmer, you are going to be very disappointed in life, but I do thank you for the compliment.'

I then hobbled off to see the Doc.

TAKEN BACK BY SURPRISE

I was watching Without Trace and the story turned out to be about a 12 yr old boy who goes off to hang himself after being bullied at school. He is saved by the FBI and his parents. The difference between that boy and me is that he had allies - his parents, they didn't bully him too. I had none. It still shocks me that I can so swiftly be transported back 40 years and wet my face gets in second, before I even have time to register what is going on inside me.

I hated that boy for so long. Now I just wish someone had been there to hold him and tell him he wasn't shit , as I was nicknamed.

It really is astonishing I am who I am today and have the good life I have. I haven't just survived, I LIVE.

Oh DEAR.....

On Friday I felt particularly good. I'd had a crap week and Luque and Nechung had gone without a bath. I needed to bath Whitney for the show. So I did all three of them plus Bridget.

By bed time, my right hand and right ribs and shoulder were all hurting and when I awoke my right hand was almost unusable. I can't open bottles with it nor grip. It is still the same this Sunday morning.

Okay, so I learned, yet again, that just because I am having a good day does not mean I am miraculously cured. It also does not mean I don't have to take care and pace myself.

Most importantly, I have learned that two dogs is the most I could possibly show because of the preparation. I can't believe how much my hand hurts nor how little I can use it right now.

At the show I also met Marion from Holland whom I first met at the World Show in Dortmund in 03.It like Marion and it was good to see her again.

There is a clique of people who live near me. They don't talk to me, have not had anything to say about Whitney's success despite me congratulating them when they have had success. So what? What does get my goat is that when John is with me, they speak to him like a friend!!! F'ng hypocrites.

I had a very difficult phone call last night from a friend. I had been aware that there had been a distance between us. Since I have changed at core, I knew this was not my fault. I didn't know what it is was about. It had crossed my mind it might be because of Whitney's success but that didn't feel right. I found out last night.

Other people have become friendly toward me and amongst those people are people who have hurt my friend deeply. My friend thought they would try and get me away from her and ruin our friendship. It took a while of heated discussion before she cried and told me the truth about how she was feeling. I had already figured it out and my heart went out to her. I knew EXACTLY how she was feeling. I have been there. I knew how insecure she felt. I assured her that I was her friend and only she could change that, that others could not. I assured her truthfully, that nothing had ever been said to me about her, that these other people were not that close and we just passed the time of day. I am not sure my friend took all this in. The conversation went on for ages with her getting more and more upset and I was trying hard not to be offended. I told her that I am not the person she fears I am, that I have integrity and she had to choose to trust me or not. The choice was hers. I then told her good bye as I didn't see any benefit in talking around in circles. Oh, and I also made it clear that NO ONE tells me who to be friends with and who not to be, including her. Anyway, I would prefer very much that we remain friends and I hope that is what she chooses because if she doesn't she has let these people hurt her again but this time at her behest.

Honestly, we never grow up really do we? The same feelings we have as children are still there as adults.

I have had to open yet another non payment case on Ebay. A person bid and won on 4 of my items and has not paid and has not contacted me or responded to my contact. I have no other way of selling so I have to stick with this, I do not want to just dump my stash. Fortunately most buyers and bidders are decent people some are not and some are a PITA. I am also really ticked off with those who do not bother to leave feedback or even let me know that their yarn arrived.

Another benefit of my blog-writing down the stuff that bothers me gets it out of my system.

I really want to be taking pain killers this morning but I can't. I took long acting ones last night and the 12 hours are not up yet. Really, I think these slow release pills are crap.

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE....

I enjoyed myself at East Of England today. Met with people I like. John was with me as this is local to us and it is Saturday. This enabled me to hire a mobility chair and thus see the stalls and get around a lot easier. I normally just stay sitting in my chair until time for me to go in the ring.

It didn't start off too well. I was waiting for the disabled loo to become free only to discover once the man using it vacated that it was also the shower for the caravanners and thus the floor was completely wet. Dangerous. There was no way I was stepping in, my sticks would have slipped and I could have broken something. I hate to think what could have happened to an older more infirm person. I went to the showground manager to let him know, politely, how dangerous this was. (I did not say 'which moron thought this was a good idea?')

His first words were 'in the ten years I have been showground manager you are the first person who has complained.'

I kept my cool. I know that when I am answered with that, that the person I am talking with doesn't give a toss.

He went on to tell that there were other toilets I could use-hundreds of yards away. I then discovered these doubled as baby changing units. Another idiotic arrangement.

I told him that the disabled facilities were completely unacceptable and he responded that he had a difference of opinion and that no one else thought they were bad. I told him that as he was able bodied, he would find it difficult to understand and besides it was the opinion of my self and other users of facilities supposedly for the disabled that counted.

He was an arrogant a'hole and I left him to it and went and hired the mobility chair(at £20!!!)

The trouble. We Brits have been brought up to accept our lot and not complain and people like me who do are classed as troublemakers or demented.

You know, it is supposed to be here as it is in the USA as regards facilities and access for the disabled. No way! The reason I spend as little time as possible in my London flat is because I am housebound when there! There is nowhere for my car, even if it were safe to park it. I cannot get to public transport and if I could I couldn't use it. I cannot drive into Central London because I could not park. Unlike other EU countries, they restrict even BLUE BADGE holders and charge us exorbitantly. So my capital city is out of bounds to me and the politicos certainly don't care, nor do the general public. If they did, the situation would be different.

Anyway, back to the dog show. Whitney wasn't best bitch but Jill and David did and I was pleased for them. It was Jill's first and at least she reacted with a big grin (unlike me who swore and then shut down when Whitney got her first!) Gordon and Angie's boy was Best Puppy and Lee and John's First Edition was Best Boy and Best of Breed. (BTW I use Best Bitch and Best Boy because I am aware readers here are not dog show people on the whole. We actually call them the Bitch Challenge Certificate and the Dog Challenge Certificate or CC's. The reserve we call an Reserve CC.)

The rain stayed off until Judging was completed.

I have much more to say but was interrupted by a phone call and it is now too late. I'll complete my thoughts tomorrow.

EAST OF ENGLAND 11TH JULY 2009

The trousers are not as deep as this, they are peach. I dyed them myself. This is for East of England Championship Show tomorrow. I fyou click on the oicture you get a bigge rone. The colours of the trousers, the shoes, and the bow tie are all refelcted in the stripes of the jacket and in the waistcoat.

Changed

I don't know, sometimes life is just too damn hard. I seem to have run out of (click) spoons completely. I started off the week feeling crap and have just felt worse and worse until today I feel so low I have no energy and think life is too much to handle. It takes so much effort and I wish I could just quit. I'd like to vegetate and do f*ck all. I can't. I can't stay still because if I do so, I seize and the pain is worse. Pain usually stops me keeping still anyway. I am so tired. Last night was bad pain wise and for some reason I was back and forth to the loo with the poos, just water eventually. Now today, although I did post off the Ebay stuff, I am just about keeping my head above water. I have a show Saturday and I really don't feel like going. I want to sleep. The only way I can completely switch off is morphine and a muscle relaxant but I can't do that unless I am in severe pain and I am not, just that nagging dull pain that is always there. I do get pissed off sometimes and can't always be chipper about life. I also sometimes think life would be so much better without most people. I might be one of them.

Edit: a few hours later, I do feel better mentally. I helped that a friend wrote to say they were feeling the same: 'dark inside'. Trouble with me is that I automatically feel ashamed when I don't feel happy. Feeling sad or depressed or just crap is not allowed. Oh, I know it is allowed, and is normal, but still I react with shame and that of course makes me feel worse.
One thing I am proud of though is how I handle this now. I get on and do things-like listing on Ebay, washing up, knitting etc instead of harming myself which is what I always used to do. BLIMEY! I even have a drawer full of drugs I could make myself feel better with, but I haven't. I really am different. I don't mean I am sitting here in physical pain and refusing to take the meds, I mean I have not used the meds, as I could with the right mix, to make me fell 'happy'. They are not for that. I feel proud of that too. Oh and nor have I attacked a litre of Haagen Daz. What on earth happend to me?

Good Week

I have been wanting these kickers for a long time but they are 1. rare and 2. expensive. I got these on Ebay for £20!!!!! The seller said they were used but you can't tell. Perhaps they are a crip like me which would account for the soles having no wear.
The Kickers are rare and expensive too. I saw them on Ebay before and they went for more than I was willing to pay. These were on for 29.99 and I bid as there was only 29 minutes left. I won them for that!!!!
I have been dyeing again. I have bought several pairs of white denims cheap on Ebay. I have dyed one pair lavender and the other turquoise. The other two pairs will either be scarlet or royal blue or green or peach. I am at present using an orange dye on dark beige jeans. No idea what colour they will be but it has to be better than the baby shit colour they are now.

I also won a Seidl linen jacket for £12.95!!! It really has been my week. Seidl is Gwerman and this is a traditonal cream linen jacket. It arrived today and is beautiful.

Today has been a rest day. No swimming. Just pc and dvd's and knitting. The lace socks have proved a real challenge. I have had to frog half a dozen times so far. I think I have the hang to it now. I kept forgetting the yo's. The pattern has ended up being my own because I had to alter the original so much in order to fit my stitch count. Still, it has given a prettty good insight into how lace is structured, so next time, if there is one, I can make it up from scratch.

The dvd's I am watching are the first 4 seasons of House and also of Without A Trace. And all eight seasons of CSI (Las Vegas).

I have discovered that damp sets me off hurting. Yes, I know, I should have known that ages ago but it isn't easy to figure these things out. The weather here has turned cool and wet and the pain in my body, especially my hands has increased.