TRYING DAY

I am sure you know this but just in case: there are times when I read an email, even a fairly innocuous one, I have to fight the urge to write back with 'go *** yourself'. There, now you. I am not perfect. I just read one of those pedantic ones and deleted it instead.

I had to go to the Chemist (Pharmacy) to get my drugs. Parking was very difficult cos of wankers who parked badly in the handicapped bays with out the blue badge and the worst one had the bloody fish symbol all over it's rear window which did not make me feel any better. Pity their 'love for the Lord' hasn't made them any less self centred. Anyway, the chemist had my drugs ready and I was out in a minute. How about that then? A rare result.

Then I had to go post a letter to the Tax person which arrived at the house. Not good news but not awful either. The situation is not as clear as I had understood. It is still up in the air and we may not be debt free after all. the house is still safe. I hate this not knowing, treading water till they do it all it up.

I broke my resolution and I have just dyed some more yarn. I have used a different technique, one I made up myself. I will show the result but probably not the technique for now.

Yesterday we had a nice day. We went out for most of it to a mall. You will be thrilled to know that I bought merino/viscose underwear (long john's and long sleeved vest) and also some under ski pants thermals too. When it is really cold, I wear 100denier tights, the ski things and the long john's over that then I put my trouser on and yes, I still get cold. On the top I wear a long sleeved silk vest, a long sleeved thermal vest, a roll neck, a sweater, a scarf, a coat and a hat. The top half and my feet generally stay okay, just my legs don't.

I also bought two Trilbies. John bought some tops and almost bought a sweater!!!!! I was not happy with that. The bloody thing had pink and purple and grey and wine and black stripes. it was nice but , blimey, when he did he decide to wear colour? When I have made him a dark grey cashmere sweater with a wine stripe, he thought it loud! Anyway, they didn't have on his size and I told him I would knit him one! How dare he think of buying knitwear? A shooting offence that is.

I have knitted him a wine coloured cashmere scarf in 2 x2 rib using the Garter Carriage and 3 x 2/28 yarn. 750 rows. It is washed, dried and nice and lofty now that it has been given the tumble treatment 3 times.

Swimming was really painful today but not exhausting. Remember how complained abotu how I could do my normal swim and was so tired? well I was exhausting myself. 'Thou shalt not be lazy' so no matter what I was getting up at 5 and going swimming. No wonder I felt like do do all the time. really. Now I can do my swim because I am getting enough rest. I used to think there was no point being bed if I was dozing and dreaming. I have discovered there is! It is still restful. So now, I don't harangue myself abotu the time I got to bed nor the time I get up. I cannot actually be in bed more than 7 hours without beginning to get severe pain but I find 7 is enough. I nap too if I want to. I am doing so much better now. My weight is beginning to drop again after rising because of that hassle I put myself thru. Old tapes are never wiped, they just stay dormant! I am not lazy, never was, and I don't have to push myself to the limits to prove it.

We have both been called for our Swine Flu jabs which we will have on Saturday morning. Oink Oink.

SUMMER FRUIT

These are knitted using a 75/25 wool/nylon (Trekking undyed) which I dyed myself using Food Colouring. The design is my own, a 14 st repeating lace pattern where I filled in the holes my making one in the bar between and not using yo's. They are for my friend Gail. For my self, I 'd need a 16 st repeat and possibly up a size to 2.25mm needles instead of the 2mm I used. I used Knit Pro 2mm circulars for these.

UFO

I discovered something else yesterday. I was extremely bored and listless. Oh, I watched DVD's, Mansfield Park and the whole first series of Waking The Dead, and I also knitted but I was bored. So what did I discover?

Well, I can deal with the Monday - Friday being on my own. In fact I enjoy it and enjoy my own company. The weekend though, I really look forward to John being here and to go going out. Just pottering around the town or going to a mall. Don't have to buy anything. Just potter and have a coffee and maybe lunch.

Yesterday was just one day too many on my own and indoors.

He is home today, early afternoon. We have to go out to shop. The weather is appalling, gales and heavy rain. It is quite dark for day time. A couple of days before yesterday it was very cold but dry. I prefer that. The dogs prefer that. Somehow I doubt nature gives two hoots as to what I or the dogs prefer.

I am within a few rows of finishing a pair of socks. They seem to have taken the longest time to complete. I am very pleased with the pattern, so much so, I am planning a sweater using it. The yarn for these socks is a 75/25 wool/nylon blend that I dyed myself with food colouring. It is quite different to the Kool Aid yarn I dyed.

I have a third lot of wool/nylon yarn I dyed. Again using food colouring and again, quite different to the previous lots. I dyed each 50g hank separately and they look very different. I used the same colours on each but distributed them differently. Thus I am learning what will produce what. I think I shall knit them up as they are, quite different in look but the same colours.

My Doc suggested a while ago that I might not need the Colofac anymore for my guts. I stopped taking it a week ago. All was well. No pains, no nothing. And that is precisely why I have resumed taking it. No nothing! I realised yesterday morning that I had not had a poo for days and I spent yesterday bloated and uncomfortable. I do so hate being bloated. A most horrid feeling. No clothing feels right, I walk around feeling huge and full. Ick. Oh and the noises are back. Really, sounds like I am carrying around a whole construction site. You'd think a good fart would sort it out, but no, nothing doing. Perhaps I should get one of my DPN's? Stick it thru my belly button? If you see on the news that an unidentified flying object was observed in a strange trajectory thru the skies of East Anglia, you will know I used the DPN.

OUT OF THE FIRE

I watch a lot of period drama on DVD and also watch documentaries about various times in history and recently have been watching a BBC series about the history of Christianity.

In times past, the rulers of the people were wicked. They controlled through fear. People, including children, were executed in the most horrendous manner. Burning at the stake became very popular, especially for those rulers who fervently believed in God. This is a slow agonising death. Deliberately so. Millions died this way throughout hundreds of years.

It is not surprising that people's idea of God developed upon the same lines. Instead of seeing in God's image, God was made in ours. God was like these despots, these egomaniacs. He became cruel and vindictive. It is not surprising that sinners and non believers would 'burn' in hell for eternity. It is not surprising that our sins were could be 'burned away' in Purgatory.

The people were uneducated, lived in terrible poverty and fear. Having a God such a this is not surprising. It is no different to so called pagan Gods that require blood sacrifice. After all, the Xtian God did!

This is not about how much of the Xtian ritual and beliefs is snatched straight out of pagan religions. It is more about the fear that still causes people to believe in what is ultimately an evil belief system.

The very idea that God required a blood sacrifice to appease him and save us from our sins is evil. The idea that there exists a God who will destroy us and punish us for not being good is evil. Even more evil is the idea that someone else pays for our wrong doing! It is why the so called religious and pious who believe that their sins have been paid for do and say what they do. They don't believe in consequences for their actions.

Ultimately, that is what it means to believe that someone else has paid for your sins: there will be no consequences resulting from one's thoughts and actions. This is clearly untrue! The untruth of it is glaringly obvious but there are none so blind as those that refuse to see. And none so blind as the scared.

Yes. Scared. I know what it is like to have these beliefs thrust upon you when growing up. I understand the fear. Any religious belief that says if you don't believe you are condemned is so clearly false. I cannot trust anyone who holds such a belief and the more vociferous they are in spouting their belief, the less I believe them, the more fear I see and more obvious the evil inherent in the ideas becomes.

One cannot love what one fears. No matter how much one declares this love, it is false. You cannot love anyone or anything when you have a gun held at your temple.The professing of love is really a professing of fear.

The one thing that God offers is the one thing that humankind seems determined to reject. Unconditional love. Why? I think because our own desire for vengeance cannot envisage such a love. How can one not be punished for wrong doing? This is of course precisely what humans do. We condemn transgressors of our ideas. That is how it works isn't it? That is what has been taught for millennia? That is how we control others and how we get our ideas accepted(that is what POWER is all about-having our views override those of others.)

What we do not seem to grasp is the there is no such thing as getting away with it! Our beliefs and our actions have consequences. ALL of them. There is no escaping that. We reap what we sow. Fro every action there is a re action. What we put out, we get back. Nothing we can do nor believe will alter that. All around us are the consequences of the ideas and actions of human beings.

On a human to human plain, what is the point of hating? What is the point of condemning? What is the point of vengeance? None of this will relieve pain. It will only increase it. For all.

I wish only peace for those who harmed me and those who seek to now. Yes that is the force behind these Fundies. They want to harm me. Don't fooled. They want us dead and gone. Not just me, but anyone who who rejects their ideas.

Instead though of reacting with an equal hatred, it is only common sense to work to bring peace in oneself, which precludes this hatred. If we do this, we will not be adding fuel to the fire, but be pouring water upon it.

It just makes no sense to hate. That seemed obvious to me even when I was a boy. I knew how much I hurt and I just wanted that to stop. I didn't want to cause others to hurt as I was. I just wanted the pain to stop.

It is not logical to believe that our pain will be relieved by causing others pain.

It is illogical to believe that God would react to us with anything other than unconditional love. This means that no matter what, how far in the opposite direction we have strayed, the way to peace is never ever barred to us. we will never be destroyed. Likewise we will never not have to suffer or enjoy the consequences of our beliefs and actions. We will work through them.

There is no rejection, no fiery pit awaiting any of us. Only a Love that will bring what we yearn for, peace. It will always be up to us to accept or reject that love. There is no time limit. Death is not the deadline!

Once fear begins to leave you, the more room there is for love. As fear, evil, dissipates the way becomes more clear.

(Whether or not there is a God is whole other issue and for the purpose of the above, it is assumed there is.)

EVIL BEGETS EVIL CLICK HERE

EVEN LESS LOGIC

This is exactly how a lot of people feel towards homosexuals so by your own definition they are not bigots. (excerpt from a person lacking integrity who left a comment on previous post. Anonymous posting such as this is rather like the old fashioned 'poison pen' letter and just as spineless.)

What homosexuals do, as you put it, is none of your business. It is neither harmful to the individual nor to the population at large. Homosexuals ARE. We are not made, we don't get to decide and we certainly don't have to plead our case to be treated with the same respect afforded others. We do, unfortunately, have to defend ourselves far too often from the cruelty espoused by the so called 'religious' who don't even have the courage to blame themselves for their own bigotry but rather put the blame solely on the God they made up! They blame their hatred, because that is what it is, upon words written which only THEY have decided upon the interpretation of. They are responsible for the deaths of millions of us. Whilst the government here may no longer sanction our being put to death, other governments do, even today. And those who espouse a belief in an ideology that condemns homosexuality have blood on their hands but they are too stupid or dishonest or afraid to admit it. Such people, are responsible for each death that results from such a belief, whether or not they pulled the trigger.They provide the ammunition. The ideology they base the excuse for their own bigotry upon, also calls for us to be out to death. They can't believe one without the other though they rarely mention the other lest it shows them in a bad light!

As for what we DO don't think about it!(and I am sure what you think is very different from reality anyway!) If I think of what men and women 'do' it makes me feel queasy, so I don't think about it and I certainly don't think they ought not be allowed and hounded for life because of my inadequacy.

LOGIC FREE

I think you should be careful at labelling people who don't agree with same sex marriage as bigots. A bigot is someone who believes in something without a reason. A lot of people who are against same sex marriage do have reasons. Just because their reasons are not acceptable to some others doesn't make them bigots.

The words above are part of a comment left to the post HOLD UP. To the person who wrote it, I am not having a personal go at you.

It just doesn't make sense. Bigots are bigots and all have reasons for their bigotry. The words appear to be saying that people who discriminate against non whites, whites, Jews, Muslims,women, children, are not bigots because they have reasons. Everyone, unless quite mad, has reasons for their prejudices!

There is no logical reason to discriminate against homosexuals, women, children, ethnicity. None at all. All deserve the same rights and respect as any other human being, including, and most especially, protection under the law.

I discriminate against beliefs and ideas. I try my best to not discriminate against people for whatever reason and the hardest part of that , for me, is to always respect the person even if they only spew hateful ideas. I do avoid people who hold certain beliefs and I will do what is in my power to resist them having their ideas widely accepted and forced upon society. Here I speak of fundamentalist Xtians and Muslims and Jews and Hindus and all fundamentalists of the religious type. Fundamentalism is inherently evil. I don't believe the people who hold the views are, just their ideas.

Bigotry, is just not logical, full stop. No matter which way you look at it.

One of the incidents of abuse I recall well was being accosted in the jungle in Singapore. I was about 9. The man pulled my clothing off and masturbated over me. He was Indian or Malay. As a result of this, I have an aversion toward men who look like he did. I have NOT let this become a prejudice, meaning I do not think all Indian and Malay men are child abusers and I don't treat them as if they are.

As my most common experience of my own sex has been violence, I have a much harder time not being prejudiced toward men. In fact, I am. No matter how I try, I just am. I am always on my guard around men and I trust very few of them. I see them as dangerous. I do however try, and mostly succeed, in not treating them accordingly.

BIGOT DEFINITION

Only one, Wikidictionary, gives a silly definition of the word bigot.

RATA TAT TAT

I bought some knitting books from Amazon. I have Alice Starmore's Fair Isle knitting, Traditional Scandinavian Knitting by Sheila McGregor, Knitting The Perfect Pair by Dorothy Ratigan. I like all of these.

I also bought Nancy Bush's Knitting On The Road. This is okay. Annoyingly, the photographs don't show the patterns that well, especially on one sock which has most of the design on the front, so the photograph shows the side!

Norwegian Handknits: Heirloom Designs From the Vesterheim Musuem. I am seriously pissed off with this book. I would go as far as to say the book has been misrepresented. It's rubbish, as far as I am concerned. I expected it to be full of Norwegian type sweaters and maybe some shawls. It is mainly cheap and cheesy headbands, caps, and other tat you can get anywhere and is hardly traditional Norwegian nor Heirloom!!!!

John has buggered off to Paris for work. Will be home Sunday and Monday. I hate it when he goes away at short notice and also when it cuts into my weekend. I look forward to seeing him.I also look forward to being able to go out properly. I guess I shall be doing a lot of knitting.

I have been itching to dye some more yarn but I shan't until I have finished the 3 pairs of socks still OTN. When I do, I think I shall offer it up and see what happens.

It's just as well I am not doing the show tomorrow. I couldn't believe how painful my swim was today and it didn't go once I stopped. I have popped a morphine and just waiting now for it to work.

HOLD UP!

OOPS!

In previous post I write about us getting married. I did not mean to give the impression that this is a new development or a sudden romantic impulse. No. We have always known we would, once the law allowed it. For reasons too complicated to go into, we had always planned to do so once John reaches retirement, which he does in 2012. By which time, we will have been living together for 32 years.

Of course, as a sop to the bigots, this is called a 'civil partnership' not a marriage. It just amounts to the same thing but ssshhhh! The legal implications are the same and one cannot just leave it. One has to divorce if one decides to leave it.

UP THE AISLE?

I have a dog show entered on Saturday but I am not going. I really don't feel I can physically handle it. Not just the getting up at 2am. It will be the hanging around and the walking I have to do once there. Yes, I only have to walk a short distance for a short time, but it is too much for me right now. I seem to have to make enough effort for just daily living right now.

I have had time to think about recent developments and I feel rather differently than I did at first. Yes, when I first discovered John's secret, I was devastated. I really felt it as betrayal and that he therefore didn't love me. How could he if he lied to me?

I now think that was the way I was programmed to think and wasn't necessarily the best way or only way to think. I was brought up to distrust everyone. No one could be trusted. I knew that was true because the people who taught me not to trust anyone, my parents, were most untrustworthy. I may have not taken their teaching to distrust so well had they not proved themselves to be so untrustworthy.

I know John loves me. I don't doubt that. I know he didn't do what he did because he didn't care about me. I can see how it snowballed and got out of his control and he became more and more frightened of it and of telling me. So he buried his head in the sand. I know this is his tendency. I took ages to get him to take his COPD seriously. I no longer have to fight with him to get him to take his medication, though I do on occasion have to remind him!

I feel for him when I think about the dark cloud he has lived under all these years. That tempers my anger at him for doing this to us. Yes, to us, because he has been very difficult to live with at times and I knew something was wrong and he kept denying it. Now at least, he is beginning to lighten up. My fear of 'it' has gone because I now know what 'it' is. This cannot happen again. As regards all matters legal and financial, I am in charge. Even our Tax person, though John is her client, deals with me.

We were talking the other day about getting married. I said we would have to find out from the tax accountant which was the best course of action. Until he told me we had to because if he dies, the IRS will want their cut of what he leaves me. The house! No way. So marry we will. Much to my surprise, he would like me to add his surname to mine. I will, of course.

The thing is, we don't want a big do. Just want to go and sign the papers and that is that. However, a few of our friends, female, are wanting and expecting a 'proper do'. I don't mind them as witnesses, we have to have witnesses but I really don't want Matrons of Honour!

This last few days has been difficult pain wise. I have had to sleep sitting up three nights in a row because of intercostal spasms and my hands especially have been painful. I did swim Monday and Tuesday and I will today and tomorrow. Wednesday is my day in the week for not swimming.

Yesterday, I bathed two dogs. I also went into town on my own. I wanted some cards from a shop. I had bought some at the weekend. They have a Lhasa Apso puppy on the front. I wanted more. I went, hoping to park directly outside the shop but could not and had to park further away than I felt comfortable with. However, I wanted the cards so I did it. I walked slowly. I got my cards and walked back more slowly because now I was carrying stuff. At one point I lost my balance but did not fall. This sometimes makes me feel self conscious and I worry that people will think I am drunk! If they even notice anyway. Back at my car, I went to the passenger side first, sensibly, to put the shopping in.

As I was so doing, I dropped one of my sticks. Oh, bugger! Just then a man came up and picked up the stick for me. When I looked up, it was Simon who lives across the road. He and Libby recently got married. I was relieved I didn't have to try and get the stick myself.

I have made myself a cashmere scarf. I also started on a cashmere sweater on the machine. I gave up after almost completing a sleeve when I realised I had miscalculated. I will try again today maybe.

MHSOH

I ended up leaving negative feedback for the seller on Ebay. I hate to do that but was left with no choice. I was not happy for several reasons. I paid directly out of my PayPal balance-no bank account for card involved. Supposedly payment didn't get here till 23rd, 3 days after I paid. How come? I received yarn 7 days after I paid. I was also charged way over the cost of postage which was £2.65 and I was charged £4.30. I know packing costs, I do it all the time, but a plastic bag does not cost £1.65. I would have charged £3.15. Post cost and .50p for rest(bag etc).(oh and in case you don't know this, I would not get £3.15, but less than £3 as PP take a cut of ALL money that is paid to me.)

To make it worse, one of the hanks was only 88gm, not the stated 100gm. I wrote on Friday as soon as I knew this. I got this as a response:

We sell on an average hank weight at 18.25% moisture at 100gms in line with the standard regulations on these items, sometimes the yarn can dry out or fall below the physical weight dependant on the actual moisture content.

However, we do try to ensure that our yarns physically weight 100gms and if you are unhappy with an individual hank and can return this intact with the appropriate order number and details we can either refund this or replace it.

I wrote back immediately, having measured the yarn and knowing it was 50m short, 350 instead of 400m. I resisted the urge to comment that I resented being taken for a fool. I said I was happy to send the hank back, for a 100gm 400m replacement, at their expense. As of this evening, 3 whole days after my response, I have received no reply. I decided then I had done all I could. It really is annoying because they have other yarn I really would have bought, and bookmarked one set, not buying until this was cleared up. It wasn't cleared up so I didn't buy.I am aware that not all people are blessed with a SOH and that also humour doesn' necessarily travel well. However, I do wonder why people who normally do not comment, find the sudden urge do so when they feel aggrieved? It's rather like only speaking to be critical. Sad.

Today could have been better. I did have a good, if difficult swim. When the time came around for pills, I took different ones, two of them, and the pain was gone, all gone, within an hour. Unfortunately, I was then hit with a ravenous hunger. I won't do that again, take the two pills. Or maybe I should wait until after I have eaten a substantial lunch? I had eaten, about an hour before, but a light meal, an omelette.

Things are a bit nosiy here with the dogs all sexed up. Trouble is I am fairly certian that no sooner will Carly have ceased her season, Edna will start hers!

My second pair of home dyed socks are coming along well. Just a normal wool/nylon mix, again dyed with food colour. I am using a no hole lace pattern on them which I am pleased with, though i think it would look better on a plain coloured pair.

I have also found place that will make shoes or boots to my specifications. The colours and design I choose. Not expensive either though I will have to wait until I know what our exact financial position. I may not be able to. :(

I really need to knit up some sweaters on the machines. John dropped a rather large hint at the weekend! I have had some orange cashmere swatched up for me for months and still have not knitted it. I also owe Sarah one and haven't done that either. I will, it;s just not as easy as it was. I am trying to promise myself to knit these 3 pairs I have on the needles, and no more, until the sweaters are done.

NO TEA

We went to a craft fair today. It was held in the grounds of the Queen's private estate, Sandringham. I thought, as we were there, we'd pop in for a cup of tea and a chat.The bitch wasn't there and had pissed off to the Caribbean. I shan't bother next time. How rude! Honestly, does no one have any manners today? Not so much as a hint she wouldn't be in.

Fortunately, the set up was such that it was easy to navigate in Daniel, who only struggled once to get over a raised bit.

As often happens, a woman stopped and said 'I love your boots. My sister would kill you for those.' I replied that her sister had no need to kill a cripple for his boots as they were available online! She laughed, which was the intention. Oh, and the boots were my Lilac Lampur Docs.

It was a good show. John bought a beautiful wooden box, hand made and polished. I bought a hat and a stoneware cup and saucer with a sheep motif on it. We bought a pig leaning over a gate having a gossip. (a figurine, not a real one.)

I saw some beautiful multi-coloured leather shoes and I asked the crafter if he had them in a size 8. His response was 'yes, but they are women's shoes', and turned away from me! So f'ing what! I wanted to know the size. He clearly wasn't interested in selling them to a man. Really, where do they come from?

We found a marquee specifically for weavers, spinners, dyers, etc but it was very disappointing. I did see some beautiful own grown and spun Alpaca but I forced myself to resist the temptation. I really have no need for it.

I was hungry and as is normally the case at these places, the food was inappropriate for me. I found a Venisonburger and I bought one of those. It filled the hole and the bun went in the bin. The Venison was really tasty. I have recently started to buy Venison sausage and they too are tasty. Very low fat and hardly any carbs.

This reminds of a really funny joke, at least I thought it was. A young woman, attractive with large eyes and from the wrong side of the tracks, was asked if she had been called Bambi because of her big eyes. She replied, 'nah, cos me movver was shot.'!!!! I found it hysterical. It was a scene in The secrets Diary of A Call Girl starring Billie Piper.

On the way home we stopped for a Sunday Roast at a large Hotel which we pass frequently. We shall eat there again. Very reasonable and excellent quality food.

Poor Luque is really frustrated now. Carly is 'ripe' and so the hormones are driving him wild. In a couple of days it should be over as it's already 3 days. The season is usually 21-28days but they are only ripe for a few of them, around the middle time. This is when they ovulate and they give off a different pheromone and thus the boys go nuts then.

Both of us are feeling much less tense now that we know we shan't be losing the house. In fact, it would seem the news I have is going to be even better than that, but I will not divulge until we are certain and it is all signed, sealed and delivered.

TAX FREE

I ordered Elizabeth Zimmerman's 'Knitting Workshop' and Barbara Walker's A Treasury Of Knitting Patterns, A Second Treasury of Knitting Patterns and Charted Knitting Designs - A Third Treasury of Knitting Patterns.

All from Amazon.com. In case any British readers don't know, as I did not until John informed me, there is no tax to pay on books no matter where they come from. I have previously only ordered one book from them and that was Maria Erlbacher's Twisted Stitches book which arrived promptly.