Monday, April 14, 2014

BEING LIKED OR PREPARE TO DIE

We all like to be liked. However, with abuse survivors this desire to be liked can be dangerous and almost pathological. I certainly know that when I was younger I would do whatever I could do to please anybody just so that they would like me. It never occurred to me that I may not like them.

For me not being liked represented danger. If you didn't like me you are likely to harm me and so of course I did what I could to make you like me. This led me to be a chronic people pleaser and led me to very humiliating situations.

Mostly this situation has changed as I have and I no longer fear not being liked though this is not always the case. As with any recurrent illness I very occasionally become scared of people when it is apparent to me that they do not like me especially when I have had no dealings with them and when I have gone out of my way to have dealings with them it has not gone well at all. Not only as fine a completely humiliated myself but have never once felt goodwill toward me from them. This has nothing to do with friendship. It was purely to do with fear. In my mind they didn't like me and they were therefore a danger to me. One of them had already shown on more than one occasion that the fear was realistic at least from her I have thought of little else but I do realise that all of this with regard to another couple has been in my head I think. I do not think that they have goodwill toward me but I also do not think that they wish me any harm either and that is the part of the child Colin that still feels that not being liked means danger. Now that child Colin wasn't paranoid. He had every reason to believe that if he wasn't liked he was going to get hurt and that is exactly what happened every single time. Hence I have spent a lot of my adult life being afraid and being especially afraid of people. I have some very good friends now, most of them women. It is obvious that my relationships would mainly be with women as it was men who harmed me (or boys at school who bullied me and where I humiliated myself the most as I would do anything to prevent being spat on, kicked and punched, called shit  as my nickname and often in class where the teachers did nothing to stop it.  I was completely friendless at school and fully expected that that would be my life. So it is now no mystery to you why I am so surprised with my life and so clearly shows you where the fear comes from.)

 And this has not been a problem for many years now especially for the last 10 accept it has reared its ugly head again this last while. Adult Colin accepts that for whatever reason I am not liked and that is perfectly okay and does not mean that I am in danger. Child Colin of course believes that it is danger. I have just realised something I've never realised before. This is the situation where the adult Colin can parent the child Colin and explained to him that not being liked by these people does not mean they are going to kill me in my extreme fear or just do me some damage in my  less extreme symptom.

I have never written about this before because once again it is something that I am terribly ashamed of. In the recent situation I humiliated myself deeply.  Who would want to admit to such a stupid and illogical well I would because I'm keeping to my promise of being authentic.

 I can feel that I am very close to being able to close the door on this without anybody else needing to do anything. Now that the adult Colin understands that the child Colin has had the upper hand in this situation for quite some time.  And now that I am aware of this I can do what is needed for the child Colin and the problem will resolve itself. 

 Often we dislike a person just because they remind us of somebody in the past who made them feel  uncomfortable or frightened them  and all of that can be totally unconscious.  as an example there was a man at the dog shows who still is at the dog shows whom I did not like at all. I wouldn't show under him  and I avoided him. One day I happened to look up as I was knitting in my wheelchair and I saw him walking towards me and I felt tremendous fear and I suddenly realised that this poor man that I had judged as being a bad man had only reminded me of the man who had hurt me seriously when a child. Once I realise this I always responded to his hello and have shown under him. 

I hope for my own sake that the other situation is resolved very quickly in my mind t

Saturday, April 12, 2014

AUTHENTICITY

It is time for a new post.

I have not been at all with it recently in fact for the last few months I have not been as well as I have been. This has caused a little consternation amongst my Facebook friends and others. Whilst I find this comforting and really surprising that people are that interested in me, I also find that it puts pressure upon me to lie and not tell the truth. And this blog is not about that. It is about telling the truth but it seems that when I do tell the truth a lot of people disappear and no longer read what I write. I would be a liar if I said that this did not upset me because it does. I sometimes think I am a marionette on a string and  they pull me this way and that way. I end up staying away from the computer. There are those too  who have told me that they do not read my "negative posts" and this is a long time dear friend who obviously can't take me as I am.  I guess that comment hurt.

 When I started to write this blog it was away from me to express my hurting,  my pain,  and to my surprise it did indeed begin to make me feel better. I wrote only about the subject of child abuse and its effects. However, it soon became apparent that I had readers and they would write to me and tell me their stories often in the comments section. One day it occurred to me that that remaining anonymous as I was as Knitman,  was not  fair when writing how there is no shame in being abused and here I was hiding who I am. I  I stopped hiding who I was. For some reason this brought in even more mail  from other survivors.

 Slowly, I began to lose myself in all this writing back to people. "But I am learning so much… These people have somewhere they can share their secrets which they have kept fears… I cannot abandon them…) So I stayed with it slowly losing myself along the road.

Then 10 years ago I was diagnosed with four serious diseases in one go: culinary heart disease, fibromyalgia, a neurological disease which the neurologist know about but not enough research has been done into it yet to be able to give a definitive diagnosis which to me means a name I don't want a disease that doesn't have a name: Spondylosis (  
which has a name in front of it but I can never remember what it is)but it is causing my spine to crumble, to fall apart. I can recall an argument I had with the nurse who was doing my annual MOT  and I insisted to her that I was 5'10" tall and had been all of my life once I have matured. I insisted that she measured my height again and she got the same answer. I said then you need to height gauge recalibrated. She was very understanding in that I didn't want to recognise the obvious although it really had not occurred to me that the reason I was losing height was because of what was happening to my spine.

Of course I said about this too and I received some very kind letters and some not so kind letters and some bombastic letters which told me that they knew a sure way of curing me and others who found yet another way of blaming me for my abuse; I was like this because I had not done the mental and spiritual work on myself because if I had I would be fit and healthy.  I do not feel well disposed towards such people and find it amusing that so many  New Age people are as fundamentalist as the fundamentalists they detest!

It became more and more difficult for me to share how I felt every day as I started all of my posts because I felt I was letting people down. I wish I could say it was my imagination but some people on Facebook  has been quite blunt  in saying how they miss the old Colin who was always  "up beat and always had something wise and wonderful to say".

 I am a mixture of all of these things. Through the latter half of 2011 and well into 2012 I suffered a bipolar disorder episode which I kept entirely to myself. I hid it at home from John and even from my doctor and I did this by using large amounts of tranquillisers.  Why did I do this? Because How could I possibly  be having an episode after 15 years of not having one and how could I possibly tell anybody my doctor and John to different reasons but the people on my blog and on Facebook?  So eventually in late 2012 or possibly early 2013 I came out and spoke about my illness and that I had just come out of a relatively bad patch.  I don't think it was received very well. It didn't fit in with the Colin they came to read  and who had lied to them by not telling the truth from the beginning but then if they understood bipolar disorder they would know that for the first six months I had no idea there was anything wrong with me it was only when I came down and was feeling depressed that I began to see what I had been through.

I'm going to go back to writing how I actually am each day and not fake it to make it.  This doesn't represent a change really it just means going back to being the authentic Colin. c

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

MADE A MESS OF PREVIOUS POST

Okay I made a mess of my previous post. It wasn't about my previous abuse. It was about my present disease and how I am having trouble coming to terms with it. It is my disease I have been in denial about, nothing else. The fear is about my disease and it's progresssion. And the fear of not having a Dr to see me through it. Modern doctory has changed and we willl no longer have v the same Dr. It is likely when my disease reaches it's end stage, I will have total stranger as my Dr.

THAT is what my post was supposed to be about. I some how gave the impression it was about accepting by past. I am sorry, not it wasn't. I have dealt with that.

Monday, March 17, 2014

FEAR

I don't know how to start this blog off. Be warned it is not going to be like previous posts. It will be hard to write because I always write the truth as I see it. We must always be truthful.   Even if we are truthful only to one other person in life.  Yet he is the last person on earth that I would tell this to. I I feel afraid. I have been feeling afraid for quite some time. Seeing my doctor on Friday confirmed to me that I was indeed in a state of fear which the circumstances would probably not have told me. however she felt I needed to be told bluntly because it was obvious to her that I had basically ignored what I had in my mind because I don't really want to get down to what is really bothering me.

I asked John that if he were to die in his sleep tonight would he feel that he had had a good life and had an achieving life. He said that yes he had he was very satisfied with the work that he had done and the changes he had made which have made his organisation much better he even had to spend a week in the Houses of Parliament being questioned.  This did a huge amount of good  and although people will still think that the organisation that he is an expert on it was very stressful time for him to his then.


I I am trying to get to the point. I think that my life has been wasted. Yes I have had some success in the dog show world but that has no importance at all in the wider scheme of things. I have had both men and women write to me  telling me the most intimate details of their childhood experiences which I have found very moving and I felt very privileged that these people trusted me enough to tell me stuff that they have never told a soul there are questions that I cannot remember the answers I gave but are always tell pe wake upe that it doesn't matter whether you are a high born all a low born person, abuse  is abuse and it affects ALL of us there are those who are like it it because of past abuse but it;s effects a life time.  abuse. I have BECAUSE most  selfish. It has made me  selfish.  and I have lied.

I have lied by saying that I have a wonderful life now in comparison to the awful nightmare I used to live day and do not. That was not true. I believed or tried to  b perhaps one day you will be able to see me walking without the use of anything.

I'm going to stop writing now because I have got lost and have gone away from what I originally wanted to write about which is this: I am not this  hero type of person that a lot of people seem to think that I am. I would feel much safer if I lived on the island with very few people.

There are people in my life that I love and none of what I say is having a dig at them because I feel so lucky that they would even have bothered with such a mess in the first place. Most especially John.  Why on earth he has put up with me for so long I do not know. And please no one tell me I am depressed because I am not even my doctor doesn't think I am but she thinks I haven't yet truly gone through the grieving process but it seems to me asked in my whole life go through grieving processes when really I would just like to flocking well on with.  may be it's just self-pity. If I knew what it was I could work through it but I'm at the point where I just don't want to see a doctor.

 if you have managed to read this far you will see that I have written all over the place instead of sticking to just one subject which again is me and my selfishness.

 kind thoughts on this are welcome. T

Sunday, March 09, 2014

EMBARRASSED BY DISEASE

 I do not feel good. As you all know until recently I have handled my disabilities really well. That was when it didn't really get in the way that much.  Now it is really beginning to bite.

Our desire to visits Stockholm has gone out the window because there is no way I can drive there.  I used to be able to drive to my friends in Copenhagen in one day.

It has always been the case that dog shows exhaust me the following day. Now it is taking me longer  to recover than the one day it used to. I got up at 1 PM and of course I have taken my drugs.

 I said to John that my friend Gail who took me to the show yesterday  has gone to the cinema and my other friends Wendy and Drew are going back to Crufts.  What I was really trying to tell him  was that this upsets me and brings home the fact of my disease to me. I would love to be able to go out today. It is a beautiful sunny day. John did not react to what I said in the way that I expected and it felt to me like he didn't understand at all what I meant by what I said.

I know there is nothing I can do about my condition but I really do wish that people would take into consideration more than they do. Of course when it makes people laugh they do not notice it is only when what I do could be construed as being rude to they seem to notice.

I had forgotten that veterans are shown first at Crufts. I suddenly heard clapping so I turned around and I saw that dogs had been placed. I panicked thinking it was the puppy class and that Alexander should be in the ring ready to be judged in the junior class so I ran in with him, well hobbled as quickly as I could, only to the steward to tell me that I didn't have my ring number on so I rushed back and my friend passed it to me and put it on. So I went back. Only for the steward to tell me that I wasn't in this class. I said yes I am and I have the tickets to prove it and I showed him that I had entered the junior class he said this is not the junior class this as the puppy class. Of course people found that very funny and I wasn't embarrassed at all I've got used to that part of my disease.

But other people have not got used to that part of my disease. I felt embarrassed to tell John how I felt  and so got upset with him for not realising what I was saying about my friends being out today.

Yesterday didn't start off well. I didn't feel well at all. And it wasn't until after I had taken my second lot of drugs that I began to feel glad to be there. For the first few hours I just sat and knitted. It took all my strength not to tell people who came up to me to talk about my knitting to fuck off.   It would have been very unkind of me to do so because I do understand that people come up and talk to me about it because they are surprised to see a man knitting and they are surprised to see that I'm knitting a very complicated Aaron or what they see as very complicated and many of the people who ask are genuine knitters themselves so that is why they are talking to me about it.

 Yesterday, when I did start to feel better it was because I had taken a double dose of tramadol. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this because I discovered that tramadol is available in 50 mg 100 milligram and 200 mg tablets  so I felt it would be safer me to take another hundred milligrams.  it made all the difference it even made a great deal of difference to the pain I was in.

I also made the mistake of not taking my drugs until I arrived at  Crufts.  I did this because I didn't want to take a lot more than my allotted dose. I am allowed to take more morphine but yesterday would have been  meant taking quite a lot more over my allotted dose. It was a stupid thing to have done because I am not a good driver if I am not medicated and it possibly contributed me to feeling crap even after I had taken my drugs.

On a positive note, people were very complimentary about my outfit and I have lost count of the amount of people that are asked to photograph me some of which I think were professional but most were using their phones. I was very surprised at the amount of men who complimented me on my dress sense. I enjoy that. And I think that these men who come up and tell me how classy look to have a lot of courage doing that. All of these men are straight as far as I can tell and as far as I can tell no gay men have ever done so! Life is strange.

So I feel not brilliant today, a bit down, and more than a little upset that even my nearest and dearest have to have it spelt out to them how I feel.

 None of you know her but my friend Gail was of such enormous help to me yesterday and I would have found the day extremely difficult without her. In fact I wonder if I could do Crufts at all without a helper.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

MOANING MINI

It has been a very difficult time for me recently. For quite a number of months. I just don't seem to be able to shift this depression.

Oh I can still put on my act when I go to the supermarket and dog shows. A lot of the time I just do not want to be there and would rather be under my duvet.

Yesterday went for my swim and I did consider whether I'll to before I went but decided I was only feeling down and that swim would do me good. I was wrong. I only just managed to do half of my normal session and practically had to be carried to the changing room. The good side of this is once again it shows how good the staff are at the pool that I use. And it was made very clear to me that if I was not out within 15 minutes they would be coming in. I was extremely wobbly and my balance mechanism was extremely dodgy. Once I'm in the car I am perfectly all right because I'm sitting down and I don't have to balance anything. Twice I have had the police called on me because a good minded citizen and I'm not being sarcastic, has called the police because they have seen a staggering man getting into a car and driving off. Of course they are going to think that I'm drunk.

I just feel very fed up. Just going to the bathroom is a major event. If we go out for any length of time like to dog show or to visit friends or to spend the day in a mall I have to take tablets to stop my bowels working so that I do not need to go to the bathroom and, this is really weird, a diuretic which you would think would have me peeing all day long but it has the opposite effect. Ever since I started taking the diuretic I have been so relieved because prior to that I was having to go to the loo every 20 minutes or thereabouts and waking up in the night several times. Now when I go I pee  at least a litre at a time and therefore much less often. This really is a good thing for me. It is not what I expected from taking the pill.

And then there is getting out of bed. If the post arrives early and they need my signature and I'm still in bed there is no chance that I will get downstairs in time to answer the door. I press one button to get my back completely upright I turn and then press another button that list my bum up until my feet on the floor and I'm stood upright. This is pretty amazing really but it can also be very frustrating.

I feel guilty for moaning about all this. I want to be able to do the things I want to do when I want to do them.

I've been worried a lot about the dog shows recently. I wonder how much longer I can deal with them. It isn't the dog show itself but the aftermath which is extremely painful on the day after dog show and the day after that I still have to do laze about and do nothing.

Yet I look at how lucky I to have all of the things that I have starting with John and the dogs,  a house that suits us very well and the state-of-the-art hi-fi system and computers that we wanted. I do try and concentrate on that but recently it has been very difficult.

I am worried about my dogs.  I have got to the point where I need to amalgamate my two lines. This has been the whole point all along.  yet at the moment I only have one bitch, Megan, and one of these puppies that are not old enough to tell how good they are. But keeping puppies from this letter already gives me enough dogs to take care of and I can't show all of them. I realise that I can show one and when it is either made up or I give up with it I can then take out the one that's been waiting at home for its chance and it will be mature so go straight into open..

I know there are people who think I have too many dogs because of my disease but they don't take into account the time here all day and I have drugs and now that I have changed my grooming routine it is very much easier. I have gone back to the old-fashioned way of daily grooming and at the moment I only have to groom four day and it really doesn't take very long at all and most of all it doesn't hurt. I have yet to see how long I can go between baths with those that her groom every day. Of course I use a spray on their coats because one must never groom a dry coat. But I'm not stupid and I know when I have too many dogs to cope with. And then it will be a matter of trusting others with my  line.

I am of the opinion that if you sell a dog to somebody then all the decisions regarding that dog belonged to the person who bought it and it is no longer my business so I would never sell a dog expecting that person to breed it the way I want it bred. So  high would have to be sure that I have done what I wanted to do first. But anybody who would be looking for a suitable show dog come breeding dog might well strike lucky with me.

I would love to get to the point of the breeder I know who keeps just one bitch and reads a letter and gets a champion every time because they have worked for very many years developing their line. I'm speaking of the Kutani line. I don't have that many years left to get to that point but I'm producing really well in each letter I am getting high quality stock but as I say I have to amalgamate first before I can cut down.

It amazes me what I end up writing about. I did not do myself any favours last night by eating wheat products. I very rarely do because I know the trouble it causes me but sometimes when I feel bad it's very hard to not reach out for comfort and that the time I'm eating it it is very comforting and it also makes me fall into a stupor and I sleep very well. I needn't tell you the effects  it causes me the next day! You'd think I had been out drinking all night because I feel so hung over.  still I will feel better later in the day and I have no one to blame but myself. O

Thursday, January 23, 2014

SEARCHING FOR PEACE

A little while ago when I was having delirium at night-time part of that delirium was believing that two members of my family lived in my house-my mother and my younger (appropriately my voice to type wrote anger instead of younger …) brother. Since then I have had several dreams about him so I did a web search and found out that he is still very much alive and still pushing his lies and running away from the truth. He believes themselves to be some high spirit from another dimension and is here to heal the world and his specialities family healing. Yet he hates me and denies me. And that would be quite funny if it wasn't for the fact that he's ripping people off and many hundreds of dollars. Yes he has become a Guru that people follow and give away their money to in their desperate search for healing of the pain that they suffer not realising that no person can do that but themselves.

I understand people who do this because I was one of them although I never followed any gurus because I knew from a very young age that they could not be trusted I just read an awful lot of new-age style books all of which basically come down to blaming oneself for the pain that others caused one. In other words if you were sexually physically abused or emotionally neglected as a child and as an adult were suffering it was your fault. These books are very clever because they lead to long to yet another book and then another book and then another book. If any of these books also called healing gurus worked you would only need to see them once or you don't need to read one book. But now they real you win and they take advantage of your pain. The fact that my brother does this embarrasses me. I feel sad for him how could I not we had the same sort of upbringing.  He is still wandering the world trying to find his peace.  In doing so he has taken on this altar ego and is damaging other people. We all have our own paths to take and many of us choose pass the ultimately leave us in more pain. I cannot say that this is the wrong path for him because it may well lead him to himself where he will find his ultimate peace.

His way of dealing with our childhoods is to blame me and not parents. We have had two contacts in the last 25 years both of which ended up with him screaming how evil I am.

It makes me realise how lucky I that I did do the work and that are found the right person to help me do that work. The man I saw was far from a guru. He never told me where to go, led me, or told me what was wrong with me. He just gave me the space to tell my story. He did speak because he first needed to undo the damage that religious indoctrination does. I'm sure you've heard of people who leave cults who need the programming. This was the work he had to do with me first because it was preventing me recovering from my abuse as my religious beliefs were making it impossible for me to be truthful and therefore to heal.

I remember for a long time into my sessions with him I was extremely fearful that I was going to be struck down dead because I was speaking out against my family which is something my religious background told me was a wicked thing to do.  For Christians this comes in the  form of honour thy father and my mother.  It was not until I was free of that sort of thinking was able to heal.

One is never completely healed and that was one of the first things I learned. I went into therapy expecting that after a few months I would be healed and that my past would no longer matter and it would no longer have a negative effect on my present. It was one of the first illusions he destroyed. It actually drew me closer to him and made me trust him because he didn't promise me anything. The only thing he did promise me was that he would be there for me 24/7 for as long as I needed him.  he kept his word. I was extremely fortunate. Up until that point I had met a series of quacks and also  legitimately qualified psychotherapists. However none of them committed themselves to helping me heal. I vividly remember one of them digging out a very painful experience which finally got me to cry and fall apart. When this happened the 50 minutes is up and he threw me out. Quite literally. I sat outside in the dark in the rain in my car shaking and crying unable to move and I sat there for almost 3 hours until I was in a fit state to drive. I never went back to that person.

This sent to me looking through various self-help groups wearer was further damaged by strong individuals who thought that they were "there" and had the arrogance to think they could heal others when all they did was cause them more damage.

So I do truly understand the search for peace and the places it can take us and the money it can cost us. I was once full into a three-day seminar by very famous woman at the time. I was doubtful but I was full of hope that perhaps she really did have the answers. She didn't. She was a fraud. How do I know she was a fraud? Because she was abusive. She had stopped me halfway through a question in the public forum and shamed me because she wrongly assumed she knew the rest of the question.  later in private I asked her why she had done that and told her that the questions she thought I was going to ask  wasn't it. And spite in her voice when she replied was all I needed to know that she was a fraud. (I have altered slightly this story because I do not want to identify the person because I do not want any lawsuits!) 

It is an extremely wet day and dark.  By remembering that I need to use my light for at least 20 to 30 minutes every morning it has also made me  remember to write on my blog.

Life for me this last 18 months has been the both very good and not so good. I have been plagued by depression and flashbacks. I could not understand this as everything that was happening around me was good.  Fantastically good.  We were having our house remodelled, we were getting married.  What could I possibly have to be worried about?  People pointed out to me that both of these activities were very stressful and somebody else suggested that having my house torn apart even for a very good reason would affect me very deeply because it was my safety my safe place, almost like it was me that was being torn apart.

During this time it has become obvious that my disease has progressed. The neuropathic disease is much worse and still no name. The neurologist can only say that there are many people who have the same neurological disorder but I have but that as yet research has not come up with a cause or a name because the symptoms differ so widely. I get the most odd sensations in my body of suddenly feeling like something hot has been put on me usually on my legs, or something really cold. I fall over backwards. All of the time backwards. This is I am told one of the reasons that they know it is a neurological problem. I had a three-hour session of being examined and  answering questions.  Various things were done to my body and I was asked to report where I felt the pain all rather just what I felt. The results proved that I wasn't faking which I had begun to wonder. I know that seems weird but as a child I was constantly told there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in the mind and most of the doctors I have a source said the same thing. The tests also showed that my body reacted the way a body with a crumbling spine would. Although I did not know the purpose of the tests I was very pleased to the results. From a non-emotional point of view it was very interesting. Being touched in one place yet feeling it in another. It was also fairly painful examination because it involved lifting my arms and my legs and having them being put in various positions. 

So in the last almost 2 years now I suppose I have done very little in the way of dyeing and hence not added anything to my shop. I have also done very little in the way of knitting. This is partly because I have had a lot of trouble with my hands and there was a period of several weeks where I just could not knit at all. Fortunately I am able to again. I still cannot handwrite but that is no great loss and doesn't cause me a problem. People are very kind and if I have to fill out forms I tell them that I can't write and say they fill out the forms for me and I just do my squiggles signature at the end.

Life is very good for me right now which may seem a strange thing to say to those that know I have still been battling with my depression. Actually battling with is a really stupid thing to say. I dealing with it is more accurate I don't battle with anything.  I get annoyed when I hear people say that such and such a person battled bravely with their disease. I certainly don't I just get on with it. There is nothing I can do about it except live the best I can with it and in that I am successful most of the time. Being a human being I have short periods where I am less able to accept it and just get on with life.

Anyway this is gone on far too long today. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

LIVING DESPITE PAIN OR GIVING IN AND EXISTING IN FRONT OF THE TV.

 For some reason I have been having flashbacks a lot recently.  I have had three very disturbed nights where I have actually been sleepwalking but talking and sort of behaving normally but nonetheless asleep. I know this because of what John tells me. 

However, I had one whilst here on my own on to stay night. It was very disturbing to me. I dreamt that people were after my puppies and that they had been messing about with my baby puppy bottlefeeding kit. Eventually I went to sleep but it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. When I got up I was shocked to see that my bottlefeeding kit had indeed been messed about with. Clearly by me. 

I cannot really see a reason for all of this. The following thoughts  may be part of it. I had been waking in the morning absently convinced that my mother and my younger brother were in my house living in my house. By the time I was fully awake I realise this was nonsense. My mother is dead and my anger brother may also be I suppose. I mention that because perhaps that's why he was included in the dream.  I really don't know all I know is that I have been experiencing a lot flashbacks to very painful periods of my life. I do think that much of this has been brought about  by the constant references on the news to the child sexual is abuse scandals in the 60s and 70s for which the men involved are now being prosecuted. This was the period that my abuse was being experienced. 

I'm growing more concerned about my ability to continue to show my dogs. I am certainly much worse the day after the show than before. The pain is unbelievable.  What has grown worse is the pain in my legs. He used to be in my hips and it still is but my legs are waking me up because they are so painful and yet I couldn't really explain why they are so painful or describe how painful they are. In other words describing the pain would be very difficult.  I don't get up until very late which today was gone 1 PM. All I can say is thank goodness that John has retired  and is now always here the day after a dog show  because otherwise I would have to be dealing with the dogs and when I can barely move.

I refuse though to give up living. I didn't fight the effects of the abuse only to end up sat in front of the TV day after day.  Even after a day in a shopping maul where I in my wheelchair all day, I am very tired and sore. Nothing like being a in a dog show.  Although even at a dog show if I have my wheelchair I do very little walking apart from my time in the ring. I have just had an image of what I have to do in the ring and the walking parties very short. John and I measured the time and it is less than a minute and a half. However, I spend a lot of time on my knees and getting up from my knees and getting back down again and all that sort of thing. This is extremely difficult and if I'm going to fall it is usually when I stood doing nothing in the ring. I always fall backwards. I don't know why or rather I do not understand why but this is part of my neurological disorder and the fact that I always fall backwards is a well-known symptom of neurological disorders. At least I think that is what I've heard from my doctor. I may have misunderstood but for me definitely the falling backwards is what convinces them that a major part of my difficulty is neurological.

 I think what always trying to with my blog posts is showed that life can be very good for abuse survivors.  it is so difficult to believe that when we are caught in the grip of its pain which causes us  to self harm to have OCD and PTSD and any number of truly painful and disturbing symptoms.  it also makes relationships very difficult because our worlds were very different to the world in which those who are not abuse survivors is live.  we have so much mistrust and so much shame that we keep most of ourselves hidden and relationships with a person like us can be very difficult and I can now see why many people choose not to have us in their life because they just do not understand our worldview. Of course some of them are just plain unkind. 

Gradually if we put the work in over the years we develop good relationships that last. In my own case my good relationships that have lasted have been this very special people whose compassion stopped them from rejecting me.  Now the time to place where I understand myself and how I used to be I can see why I had a quite lonely life for a long period of time.  The most painful relationships I had were with friends who knew that I was holding back something from them and they both promised me that they would not reject me once they knew what it was because they'd believed they might be able to help me. I trusted them and I told them and they rejected me.  however, and this is really importantly it you understand, I eventually did tell others who remain friends today. And of course my husband  of nearly 33 years who did not reject me.  he did seriously think about ending our relationship about 18 months into it and he began to see how disturbed I was but I was lucky that he had met my family and he knew why I was the way I was and he also felt that rejecting me might be crushing the only chance might ever have. I believe he was right. I do not believe that without him I would have survived. He does not like to hear this but he knows it's true because of his explanation as to why he didn't leave me at the very beginning.  My behaviour must have been incredibly difficult for him to deal with. Receiving phone calls at work from hospitals demanding that he come and get me all telling him that I was in hospital and would be staying for a while. You have to bear in mind that in those days gay relationships were not respected at all and in fact some of the medicos thought that John was the cause of my problems!

I have never given up hope except for once when I tried to take my own life it should have worked as I knew that I would be undisturbed for at least 12 hours and that is exactly what happened. Unfortunately I was barely just still alive and I was unconscious nearly a week and I remember very strange symptoms after that like how my taste changed and foods I previous enjoyed I found foul and cigarettes became disgusting to me. This lasted about three months and I knew it's to stop the day the person next to me later up cigarette and it made me want one and hence I carried on smoking again so I basically smoked from the age of 15 to 49. I love the fact that I don't smoke any more. That I'm not controlled by the craving cigarettes which I no longer have. I find the smell of cigarettes repulsive and people who smoke have a very vile smell to them. I'm sorry to see you who still smoke but it's true people who smoke smell disgusting.  However I stopped smoking because I wanted to not because I was frightened into not smoking all shamed into not smoking. What actually enabled me to stop was John's diagnosis of COPD and he had stopped smoking 18 months before I did. I could no longer continue to smoke around him and so I would go outside when I wanted one. This became intolerable and so I stopped and it still amazes me to this day that I stopped doing something that I never thought was possible for me to stop. 

Thursday, December 05, 2013

IT'S PUPOSE IS NOT FORGOTTEN

I have not forgotten the original purpose of this blog being about surviving abuse. This last two years have been very full plus I had an unexpected BP episode myself. THAT really threw everything in the air but I am feeling  like I can start writing again and perhaps with some more insight.

I won't be doing so this evening as I am tired and need to rest. 

I will remind of a few things:

1. You were abused because there something wrong with your abuser and not with you. It was them not you.

2. it is very rare to get an acknowledgement from the abuser let alone an apology. You don';t neeed it anyway to have a happy life.

3. Hanging to anger and bitterness will ruin your life and the abuser will have won.

4. Having a good and happy life is by far the best  revenge there is. Nothing else will do.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

JUST A HICCUP


I thought today was Tuesday when I was in bed and I woke John to tell him he had missed his train. Then I realised it was Monday. Later I finally got up because the pain had got too much to just try and sleep it away. So I got up and crawled downstairs only to discover it was Sunday!

John says he knew I'd be bad today because I groomed 4 coated dogs but I did it all sitting on the floor and was well drugged.  Just like others, I get my urges and I just had the urge and capacity to do the 4 I did. I will try and do one a day though. I am no longeer leaving them ungroomed and bathing them and grooming them wet. That takes a long time for each dog. And hurts me far more. Plus I enjoy it more. I am on the flooor, my music playing and the dog laying there being very accommodating. Even Fanny. Mind you just like ALL girls she gets difficult when I have brush around their fannies(vulva for Americans) and The boys are just the same about their willies. They do not like them being groomed at all. For some reason MG has a thing about constantly licking Xander's willly and thus creates more knots and tangles that I moaned at for removing them! I have ny idea my MG does this but I am very used to seeing girls and boys lick girls fannies. Those I have that have been mothers tend to wash the faces of the younger ones as well. Luque just wants to spend his life on John's lap or at his feet. You should here the manipulative noises he makes so that John will allow him to get up on his armchair. 

Speaking of armchairs, the electric armchair I had made professionally to suit my disease issues is here. It makes such a difference. Right from the beginnning. It felt odd for some minutes butt then I adjusted to it. It really does help me. I don't fidget. I am supported well. And it has this terrific light that bends ov er my left shoulder which is wonderful for my knitting.

I hope to do some dyeing today. 

I ma still having difficulty getting the second body piece done of John's aran sweater. I juts don't seem to it right. Now, I have the correct number of stitches but I am going wrong somewhere in the pattern. So I am having John help by read the finished piece out to me. He is not a knitter but he can count blocks of pattern sts and this method seems to be working so far. I hate to think this is a part of my disease process but my Dr assures me that I am not becoming senile but this is the effect of the pain and the drugs. It will get better again as I have relapses and good periods.  It's just this relapse has lasted a long time because of the major changes in my life this last 18mths-marriage and having the house remodelled to suit my disease and our comfort and then being blown over my a bi-polar episode which I never dreamed would ever come back. I did it at first but it went way past being able to hide it. I the high was over in a few months and I stupidly kept it at bay with heavy use of tranqs. I had a terrible fear of my Dr knowing I was having a manic episode because I wrongly thought I'd be treated like I was in the past-locked up, forced injected drugs and no care. When I could no longere keep it hidden she assured me that nothing like that would ever happen to me again and that I could really trust her to never do anything I didn't want. No one who knew me, including my Dr, missed that I was depressed. Suicidely so. I wasa able to telll my Dr this but she already knew I was depressed because my whole countenance had changed. I learned from this why she doesn't call her patients with a buzzer. She comes to the waiting room and no matter where you are sitting she can see you and one has a good distance to walk to get to her. So she sees how I am. She was quick to learn that "i'm fine' wasn't always true!

As with John who notices the effects of medication upon me before I do. The two that stand out when I started to take gabapentin which clearly made me less of a bear to live with and the next one was baclofen which he said that from the first dose he could see the difference in how I held myself that I wasn't all hunched up and tense.

As evidenced by the fact that I groomed for dogs yesterday I still not much good at pacing myself. But yesterday I really felt I had the energy and the ability to do it so I did. And despite my experience it has surprised me that today has been such a painful one despite my medication.

However, overall life is very good. I am not feeling so accepting of my difficulties but that too will pass. I'm not so daft that I had don't know that moaning or sulking about it will make it go away!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Just a Quicky

Just a quiky becuae I reallly feeel I miust strat beung mnore regular wirth my bog osts. I am riting this firm my hoitel rooom In Belgium. Antwerrp, to be preciise. It is oign tomtobe a fatasti rip I can feeel it is my nbones. A momonst of seredipity. A woma aked my abiut my show and we eneded up meeeeting the sone of a famous musician, big in he 70's and we have been invited to the concdeet of all the, Gloria Estefan ans others as personal provate guests, We willl be pickd uo in a wheeelchairnacrrying vehicle. I cannnot beiev it. Alll because I dare to me be and dress the way I like to dresss,  How luxkxy can I be?

My dogs havw dibne very welll at he shiws this year. We might have puppies on he way, from Ch SWhitney whos elast litter as 23rd October '12. This willl be her last. I have nvwer had 3 from one girl before but resllly felt i ouxldn't waste her tslrnt for producing top quaiity puppies.

Alexnder has won Best Puppp In Show, Fannny, his sister, Res, Best Pupppy in show and Megn was best pupppy tooo. `more than  once I thtink. So very pleased.MG has also one 2 mor reserve CC'sa he shows.

Anyway, tilll next time. xo

Saturday, November 09, 2013

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS(in other words I started to write one thing and my mind just took over.)


We rae home. Alll  but two of the dogs are at the holiday home. I have to oil MG and Megan in the morning and they willl be droppped offf on our way to Antwerp tomorrow as we have to passs the home on the way as it is on the same road we drive along.
It is cold. Winter has arrived with no autumn it seems.

WE went to pick up a tail coat jacket that had to be altered for me. Watch out for it , osssibly at Cruft's. I ended also buying a beutiful merino/cashmere sweatwr that zips up tp the neck, giving a nice cosy neck. It feeels funnny buying jumpers after 35 years of knitting y own. I stilll can but there are ceetrtain styles I just cannnot do. I am pleased to say that on of my outfits does include a cashmere sweater I knitting mhyself-the mint greeen one.

I juts dyed, using Dylon, a pair of white jeans and they have come out very badly. The first time eveer this has happened to me. I always found Dylon reliable. Not this time. I am no dying a pair Roewoood and will seee what happppens to them.

I am now excited about my trip. I am now ceetain that my down period of the Bi Polar is over as I ave been level for two weeks. I am nott too up either. Hopefullly if I have another episode it willl be in 15 yrs time, a little longer thna this one came. It reallly yoook  my by surprise and rather than frighten me or upset me it shamed me because I was embarrasssed. How could I possibly let people I have this didorder? Trouble is would have beeen bettter to have said at the beginnning because so mnay of uyou knew something was wrong me. When ever John was at a show with me, they always asked him how I was even though they had already asked me and go the usual 'i'm fine, thnak you indly'. I didn't know people cared so much how I was. I am not atupid and know I am not loved by alll, in fact by very few, but I am treated very friendly by a lot of people, even those I could have sworn disliked me. This means much to me. At schoool I was the one veryone bulllied or ignored becasue I was strange. Of course I was because I wa sbeing being abused. In those days no one ever asked those questions. I know a couple of teachers knew something bad washbapppenin g ot me bu they ouldn't or werte tooo scared rto, do anything BUT they treate dme very welll. One lady teacher would take moe out to tea and ven tooook me to the teachers quarters for crumpets and cocoa. Can you imagine a teracher being alllowed to do that now? Yet I am convinced this teacher saved  y life. She gave me love and I am certain that had she no given me that love and attion when I 6-8 yrs olf, I'h not be a nice or goood man today. I'd be dead or a sociopath. 

We never know what our actions mean to another and how they can save lives. Yes, that extreme. Imagine a person walking along the streeet, plannning on how they willl kill themselves. You walk past and smile at them and the suical person puts it offfbecasue just maybe there are more people like you.

There is a str8 man I know, two actualllly, who gbreeet me with a ug and a kiss. Neither of them k ow what that means to me. It means a tremendous amount.  They have  no reason to do it. They want notinhg in return. It is juts one man showing love to another in a way we are not used to. It means so much me because my dad never touched me unless with his fists. So these two men have no idea the good efffect they have on me because there is no abuse of any kind intended and neither want anything from me. It is hard for me when people are kind to me because it mkaes me wonder what they want OR that they are setttng me up to be humiliated or tobe hurt in some way.
I am scared of people to put it mildly. I know people think I am extrovert because I ahev learned to play thta role, especiallly at the dog shows. It is my big perfromance day and I can telll you sometimes I arrrive in my car abd I feeel so sick and wonder if i cna pulll iy offf again. I always manage. It is why hyou seee me quiet an dk itting in the corner-it is how I put myself in y bubble when the noise and bustle od those around em becomes too much and my skin feeels electried and as if it's juts tooo much and I want to be at home listening to usic on  y own. And no, I dn;t feeel bad, I LOVE going to shows once I can get over tat feeeling. Sometimes I don't manage the act all or someon e willl piush a buttton either deiberately or my acccident. Afetr alll not very one knows me. In fcat very few know me. I think those who I let in  are often surprised to discoveert that I am not this loud extroverted show off i apppear to be at alll. Quite the opppoiste if fact. So my close friends are special. They acccpet that to be my friend, ther are friends with a Colin who is often different and t ehy don'/t try and ch age me but supppoort me when I am hurt scared boy Colin or loud and overbearing scared boy colin and when I am juts level Colin who is ecccentric. I was going to say and when Colin is ;norma' but I never am. I think meven my Dr would worrry if I appeared normal! Didd It elll she was going to pout on my noyes tat I have IPM once she is has read more of the medical literature on it. She fullly agreees that it is very fitting and expolains much. 

Gosh I wonder how mnay of you got this far! Congrats if you did. Right now if there was a groiup of you I'd talk and talk and talk and talk......Sometimes I just neeed to purge myself and be sure my friends are my friends even when they knw alll of me. I have experienced toooo mnay friend lossses because they could not tkae me as I am.  I do un erstand whay they can't but it stilll hurts. I know how complictaed and diffficult I cna be. I am not an easy ride. But I am not boering eikther and my love for others is real and is given quite quickly but I no longer acccept shit from others so whilst I may relustcantly let go of you, the goood feeeling i initiallly hbad is stilll there, much to my annoyance!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

THIS TO SHALL PASS


 well my doctor was right again. It was going to take awhile for the drug that was causing the delirium to get out of my system. I have woken this morning feeling very blue indeed. But I know why at least and that it will pass again.

I will knit and listen to music for now after I have groomed the dogs that need to be if any need to be. I think if I were a dog I'd be quite happy living with somebody like me because I'd get lots of attention and I wouldn't be locked up all day and I would more or less get to do what I wanted. I suppose I just described my life pretty much.

If you have never felt depressed you have no idea what it feels like because it isn't feeling sad and it isn't feeling grief both of which I have felt. This is entirely different. To use a television as an analogy which is about the only stupid thing I can think of right now the system is set so that the contrast and light and balance and volume are all set very low and movement is like trying to move through treacle. Even that doesn't really describe the awfulness of it. And it is very hard to write about without sounding self pitying. But people need to understand that depression is not just feeling low is not just having an off day thinking these things about depression  is very dangerous because it can result in death in that the depressed person not only doesn't understand themselves but is surrounded by people who don't understand and so they do what very depressed people do often, they end their life.

No I am not suggesting for a minute that that is what I have in mind. I'm lucky I am informed and I do know that this will pass. Look at yesterday I had a really good day yesterday and today I wake up and it's horrible again but tomorrow will be good again and eventually this feeling will go for good. It is now rather difficult to tell whether this is the bipolar having reared its head after 15 years will whether it is just the wrong mixture of drugs. All of the drugs I take effect this central nervous system.  Since that is where my problems lie mainly. Perhaps once I have weaned off it I shall feel very different. Or not. The night-time delirium and the daytime depression may have nothing to do with each other.

 at least I have a few months break from dog showing and so I can keep show Colin in the closet and give him a rest as well. John has suggested and finding somewhere to take all of the dogs. I can be in my wheelchair and he would have no trouble holding the leads of six dogs because they do tend to behave civilly. Our only concern and it is a serious one is that they each stay well away from my wheelchair. I have already practice showing my dogs from my wheelchair and in fact it was very easy and my dogs came nowhere near the wheels. I only did it to see if it was possible. I have no intention of doing so. If it comes to that I will either have to stop showing dogs or have somebody show them for me. I suppose when I start writing about the things that are on my mind it's hardly surprising that I'm not in a good mood. It is surprising that the positive Colin who will face anything and find a way and always see the positive side seemed to have taken a break as well. My dear friend with the MS tells me that doing what I do, even if I only do it once a week which is all I do it for is exhausting and will always catch up on me. Not only do I find this very difficult to accept but very difficult to understand and so I consistently get myself into a mess. I understand needing two days off after a dog show. There is no understanding the first day as it is so obvious I racked with pain and can barely move and I feel like I've been run over by a truck so of course I rest I have no  choice. The following day does annoy me because I can't see why I am still not back to normal I am no longer suffering so much pain but I need quiet and still need to just sit and knit or watch TV and certainly do not even want to go out to the supermarket. So if the dog show was on a Sunday it will be Wednesday before I'm fit enough again and if I have another dog show say on the Saturday and then on Thursday and Friday I have to prepare for that. I want to make something very clear here this is my CHOICE.  I do not have to go to dog shows. I also need to rest the day after having been in a shopping mall all day even though I have been in my wheelchair. I can see why that is exhausting because I'm one of those people that find a lot of people and noise really gets to me. I take more drugs on those days with the full knowledge of my Dr who understands why I need them I have to have some form of barrier between me and the hards of people ans noise.

 the postman just delivered my illuminated cock. Eyewear to watches and I cannot wear either of them no let me try that again. Eyewear to watches neither of which I can see in the dark so I have no idea what it is when I wake up now I will be able to because this clock will sit on the side lit up and telling me.

Well I think this Facebook status has become so long it needs to be a blog post. I wonder how many Facebook people actually read such long statuses!

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

BI POLAR AND SHAME

 If you have followed my blog over the years you will know that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 30 years ago. I never did take it that seriously despite the fact that my frequent periods of mania followed by deep depression were obvious.

After a break of almost 15 years I find myself in the middle of a bipolar episode.

I have felt incredibly ashamed of this and I have therefore hidden it hidden it including my doctor. And when I realised that the mania was beginning to rise was during the house reconstruction last year. Particularly Clearly when we came back from France  To a new kitchen and bathroom but with all the floors downstairs ripped up with dust everywhere. I freaked and this is when John wondered if I was going manic because my reaction to the house was completely over the top. Strangely a friend who knows nothing about this later said that she thought something was wrong with me because of the way that I spoke to her and that much of what I said made no sense even though I sounded very happy.

I was not about to let myself have a manic phase because it is always followed by depression. What I did was use tranquillisers which brought me down and also hid the symptoms.  Not even my doctor was aware.

Unfortunately my brilliant scheme backfired on me. I knew that the mania had finished by December. Despite the tranquillisers I was still very active and did not sleep much and didn't eat much. By December I became normal again so I stop the drugs and spent a rather nasty week of withdrawals which I did not expect which was really stupid of me. As my behaviour during the withdrawals was crazy to say the least it built up to the point that I had serious panic attacks. It was then that I call but Dr butter called the doctor service, the night-time service, and I was very lucky in that I got a very nice man called Michael who understood what I was going through and he did not lecture me. He was very understanding once he knew why I had done what did and also pointed out to me that I was not the only one who had been badly affected by the Jimmy Savile affair. (If you want to know what that is all about just Google it.) 

Since January I have basically been depressed but not so much that it interfered with my life but this last few weeks or months really it has seriously impacted my life. I have gone to dog shows and I have gone swimming but that is really all I've been doing. Most of the time I think about how worthless life is and that I would be much better out of it.  two weeks ago when I had the trouble with the people I sold the puppy to it may be longer than that because it happened at Darlington. And it only became worse. During that week I came very close to acting upon my thoughts. This is when I saw my doctor. She was very calm and levelheaded about it and she said to me that I was all right because all I was doing was thinking about it thinking that life wasn't worth it all that you are just very tired are really very normal thoughts when one is depressed even thinking about suicide is normal. What isn't normal is a strong desire to carry it out and she knows me well enough to know that if it got to that point I'd reach out.

My doctor is also very much aware of how ashamed I feel for having this bipolar episode. It isn't just John and a couple of friends who know but a whole load of people who read this.

I am writing this because I'm fully aware that many people who follow my blog have bipolar in their lives in one way or another. My reaction is shame and wanting to hide it and certainly not wanting my dog people to know  After all look at the way I dress!  And I am seen as a very  as a very positive person with a bright outlook and people are always telling me how I cheer them up. How could I possibly not continue with my act and disappoint these people and tell them that I'm not like that all the time. I truly wish that I was. One thing I'm not is fake. The person you see at dog shows is the person I am except occasionally you see a different than one who shows.

Unfortunately the good news from my doctor is that as people with bipolar I eat they experience more depression than mania BUT  they are much less frequent and much less severe. I guess I believe that because it has been well over 10 years since I last had an episode and this episode has not been as bad although the depression does seem to be taking its time in lifting.

I write this despite the shame I feel because I think it is important for the people that read my blog who read it because they to are abuse survivors  and I have always sworn to tell the truth no matter how it makes me feel. 

This does not mean that I have not recovered or am not well into recovery it just means that I have experienced a blip, quite a serious blip, but just a blip. Back in the dark days this would not have been a blip this would have meant me being sectioned to make sure I did not harm myself. So I am still well into the recovery phase and as long as I continue the work and share about it I will grow and recover even more so that when I next have a blip it won't be as severe as this and if I have blips after that they will hardly show at all.

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

KNOB TROUBLE

SERIOUS WARNING: I have had to remove my knob. It has proved to be dangerous. Lorry drivers use them because their steering wheels are very heavy despite the power steering. The power steering on my Galaxy is very light and the slightest movement of my hand caused my car to swerve. It would drift in to the hard shoulder or into the other lane. I did find it very comfortable to use and very convenient that I am not prepared to kill myself or kill other people. I was stopped by the police in Scotland as I think you know because somebody thought I was drunk and the same thing happened yesterday. I arrived home and not long afterwards there was a knock at my door and it was the police saying that they had reports that I had been weaving in and out of the lane on my way home. as soon as he saw me he knew that I was not drunk but he did want an explanation and I was truthful. I told him we had been at Queensgate all day and that I was now tired and as I used only one hand on my knob it was very easy to go either left or right when I ought to be going straight. He was very pleasant about it. But he did tell me that and when I am tired I should stop and sleep. I said to him that I perfectly agree with him but I was within miles of home and I chose not to. He accepted by explanation but I think he would still expect me to stop and rest no matter how close to home I was. So please take my story seriously. This is how people die. If you have a knob, then remove it immediately. Mine was removed and is now in the bin.



KNOB TROUBLE: When I first got the Ford Galaxy MPV I remember how light I found the steering to be and I really had to adjust to it. It moved left or right with the slightest move of my hand. Then I saw a disabled vehicle which had a knob on the steering wheel and the driver happened to be reversing out of a parking space when I saw this and it gave me the idea that having my own knob would be of help to me. It certainly was a great help for reversing. I remember though having to learn to be very careful with my hand on the knob because that was most comfortable place for it to be with my left hand on my thigh. I even asked to please people a man and a woman if they were legal and they said yes of course they are especially if you are disabled and need one. So that satisfied me. However I don't know what has made it become very apparent recently but the slightest move my hand and my car veers either left or right. I have hit the curb and I have gone into the other lane not by much but enough to almost hit other cars. Now that I have taken the knob of it is not happening my drive to the swimming pool and back from the swimming pool was much steadier and I felt better and certainly feel that it gave me more control. even with power steering lorries are not easy to do big turn such as in reversing which is why they use knobs. But the power steering on cars is very much lighter or what I mean is it makes the steering very much lighter and so the addition of the knob was a serious error and I'm very lucky not to have had an accident. 

It is always a learning experience. I know that I have weakness in my hands sometimes and they are jerky sometimes but they do not affect me holding a steering wheel in the conventional manner. For some reason I just did not think about that when I attach the knob. I was so taken by how easy it was for me to reverse and reverse round round corners etc that I forgot about my other problems which may have caused problems with the knob. Disability that gradually creeps up on you and gradually gets worse as time goes on makes it more difficult to learn to change the way one does things. I have had to change the way I manage the dogs coats and I now groom them daily so that when they are bathed the drying takes much less time because I don't have to groom them through. I still do not groom and dry coat and I use sprays when I do the grooming. By by.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

I GAVE IN AND WENT FOR MY MOT


BP 112/68, cholesterol 2.9 liver function normal heart function normal and nothing unusual in my blood. And I remembered to ask if it was okay to eat just chicken and vegetables and I was told yes but to remember to eat plenty of dark green vegetables. I do anyway. You would have thought that after nine months I would be sick to death of chicken but I am not. I love chicken. I have one or two meals a day consisting of two ready cooked chicken legs with half a pound of vegetables. Believe it or not it is cheaper to buy the ready cooked chicken legs then is to buy raw chicken legs and cook them although I sometimes do that because we have this laser glass oven thing. I know it isn't a laser. I just can't recall right at this minute what it is.  go now I remember it's a halogen knob.

By the time I got dressed I was absolutely knackered. I did consider going in my pyjamas with the hat and jacket on. That is never really a problem because people always assume it's a snazzy outfit. And they also expect me to be eccentric. But I know that it's my pyjamas and more or less the only place I will go in my pyjamas is the supermarket. Because I'm usually surrounded by slobs in there so it doesn't take much to look good! ;-)

 I had been worried about the colour of my P a few months back but then the colour became normal again and so I forgot all about it. Well today it was back to this very strange colour. So I mentioned it to the practitioner and she asked me if I had eaten any beetroot. I had! And I ate quite a bit of it. I love beetroot. Since we were on the subject I decided to tell her of the problem I was having with my knob, not the one I use for driving. The last time I had antibiotics for a chest infection I got thrush but I got it in my throat. I was beginning to wonder if my problem was thrush and it turns out that it probably is so I have stuff for that now. I'm quite certain you all wanted to know about this.

The fourth series of The Good  Wife arrive through my door yesterday and I am almost all the way through disc to already. I really enjoyed this series. I also finally finished Private Practice. There are no more series of this. It was okay but not brilliant.

I forgot to add that I also asked my practitioner if it was normal for my disease to make a sudden downward step instead of the more gradual worsening that isn't quite so obvious. The answer was very helpful. In some people it's gradual and in other people it's in steps. I would much prefer it was gradual. To suddenly not be able to do something it's much harder to deal with than gradually becoming aware that you can no longer do it.

Today I feel really knackered so I'm not going to do anything. In fact I think I might even go back to bed. I have dog show at the weekend. I want to be fresh for that.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

MISSING COMMENTS

I have  just approved a bunch of commnets that go back yto Julu. I am sorrry but Yahooo idid not inofrm me of them arriving. So if you are wondering why I didn't appove you, tat is why and it was NOIT personal. xo

Thursday, August 29, 2013

WRITING IT OUT

 Over on my Facebook page someone left a photograph which showed a line of white plimsoles  amongst which was one pair of red  ankle trainers. The message was  "if you are lucky enough to be different,  don't ever change."

 The trouble is if you are different you cannot change.  You can try to change. You can pretend to change. You may even convince others that you have changed. But you won't have you will still be who you are.

I want to make it clear here that I'm not talking about such things as addiction, lying, being nasty to others, stealing. No. Those things can be changed.

Being who you really are is what cannot be changed. I know.

Being different is not being a teenager wearing shocking clothing or shocking hair or even being a fully grown adult doing the same thing.

No. Being different is the way you were the minute your mother's egg was fertilised in her womb. We will never ever fit in with the crowd. We may look like we do. We may do everything we possibly can to fit in with the crowd and when we do that we do it at the expense of our soul.

For me, it was a case of being myself or face death or a lifetime in psychiatric care.  I did not know this at the time. I had taken on board myself my families deeply negative opinion of me especially my fathers disgust of me and the opinion of the religionists that I was evil and always would be. I had also fallen for the psychiatric labels I had been given. I think I wanted those labels because I thought by accepting them by accepting that I had a mental disease that I would never get well from then all this pain would go away and I will just take medication and I would be okay and I could stop hating myself.

However as much as I dearly wanted to please the psychiatrists and myself it was very clear that nothing that they labelled me with and no drugs that they gave me made any difference to me. The self harm continued.  The only time it can be said that the self harm stopped was when I was in a manic state. For those who do not know mania, at least for me, was euphoric. I loved myself. I loved everybody else. But it was clear that I was crazy. Not at first. And not to everybody. I was accepted as a hairdresser apprentice, into drama school, and even as a psychotherapist! I'm not going to lie and say that I do not miss those periods of mania I do. Unfortunately, I cannot control them and so they become more and more intense until only a moron would not realise there was something wrong with me. I was very lucky that I did not get into any serious trouble.

I only ever ended up in hospital when I crashed. Meaning by this when the mania stopped. For me the stop would be sudden. And I would be left bewildered exhausted and extremely depressed and not wanting  to live and having very little recollection of the previous months that I had been high. One of the most painful things was that during those highs I would make friends with people. But the Colin they knew was the manic Colin and so of course when manic Colin disappeared so did they. Not all of them. Three of them didn't. Judy whom I have known since 1979, my husband John whom I have known since  1981 and my friend Dawn who I have known since the late 80s.

 What eventually freed me, was first of all accepting that I had been abused. You would think that this would be obvious. But now it wasn't. I never saw any of what happened to me as abuse. Not even what my teacher did to me who was a child pornographer. I never thought that my father banging my head into the wall or having his hands are my throat or saying how much  I disgusted him or my mother constantly telling me that I was a bad boy and deserved to be sent away and it was only because she was such a good person that I wasn't.  She would make Bedtime stories that were always about little boys and the horrors that awaited them if they were naughty. Both my parents were control freaks. Clearly they had their own issues.

It wasn't until the late 80s when I was watching an episode of Oprah Winfrey and I heard a young man and the young woman sitting on the couch telling their story of their childhood.  I heard them and I wondered why they were making such a fuss about it and I also wondered why Oprah was crying and why when that camera panned the audience they too were in tears. I knew then for the very first time in my life that what had happened to me was not right. It was not really a Eureka moment because I didn't immediately stop hating myself and I still thought I was a bad person.

It was not until 1994 when I started having such severe flashbacks that I thought I was going to die or go insane but I started looking for help. Of course I did not look for that help from my doctor. Oh, yes of course it was the first place I went when I had my first flashback and all they did was give me a prescription Valium and  chlorpromazine. They didn't much care. Colin was just having another one of his episodes. Well I knew better than that by then.

I found a private therapist who specialised in helping survivors of abuse. He was a survivor himself. I believe that only survivor can really help another survivor to recover enough to live a good and productive life. I say recover enough because we never fully recover. It is more a process without an end. I really hit bingo with this man. He made a promise to me that he would be there for me 24 hours a day seven days a week whenever I needed him. All I had to do was call and he would talk to me as soon as he could or even see me as soon as he could. I saw this man for five years. He never once labelled me. He never once criticised me or humiliated me. He never once told me anything. He listened. And he gently pointed out how their words different ways of thinking. This of course was extremely painful for me because I have been told there was only one way to think and at the time it was the way my religion taught me to think and my parents taught me to think. If I thought differently from them I would surely die because God would strike me down dead for being so evil as to even dare to think differently to the way I have been taught.

However, he was expert at the programming and slowly but surely over the five years he got through to me but in the most gentle manner. He was very parental. We are occasionally still in touch. There are professionals who think that what he did was very unprofessional in that he should have seen me for 50 minutes once a week and left it at that. My therapist new that I wasn't going to live very long and he knew that if he was really going to help me then it was going to be a full-time job. It did not prevent him having other clients. After five years it was my choice to end our sessions together. I felt I had done as much work as I could and there had been enormous change in me. There was still much more change needed but I didn't know that. It was still the right thing to stop my sessions when I did. And anyway he was always at the end of the phone for me if I needed him which on occasion I did. Generally, I just got on with living a life that was very much lighter than it used to be.

However I was still not happy, and I was still vastly overweight. I knew that the abuse that I suffered was wrong. I knew that the things that had been done to me were wrong. I am not talking just about my family nor my teacher who was the child pornographer, the bullies that I seem to come across everywhere I went, the so-called nursing staff in the psychiatric hospitals and this car chase in the evil drugs. Some of my absolute worst behaviour took place whilst I was full of chlorpromazine one of the things that I did still haunts me to this day. Knowing that it was not my fault, knowing that were it not for the drug I would never have done such thing does help but the memory of it stays with me forever. And no I did not kill anybody nor abuse anybody.

The real freedom came for me the day I realised that it truly was not my fault. Prior to that day I understood that it was wrong to abuse child or an adult in the manner that I had been. I still believed however that I was abused because of who I was. That little piece of evil was lying right at the bottom of the barrel and it had not been seen by anybody not even myself.

Strangely enough what brought that finally to the surface was meeting somebody that we had agreed to meet on a holiday in another country. From the moment we met this person was unpleasant to me and I do not wish to go into detail but at one point caused me humiliation and anger by doing something that she knew I could not tolerate. She had also left out a very important piece of information about herself.  anyway none of that matters. What follows is what matters and this person did me a huge huge favour.

Soon after arriving back I was at a dog show and I was feeling a lot of fear in my stomach I mentioned it to my friend and she said it was just nerves and it would go away. It didn't. It grew. And it grew. And it grew. I was petrified and I couldn't stop crying. I was absolutely convinced that I had a tumour in my belly.  fortunately I had a wonderful doctor. She sent me for all of the requisite tests and she showed me the results which said that I did not have a cancer in my gut. And I would sit there crying and saying but I can feel this lump there and it hurts badly and I am terrified. And she would reassure me and tell me that it would be okay and that this needed to happen and I would get through it. I had no idea what she was talking about but I trusted her.  over a period of five months this continued. Then one day I had come to the end. I knew that at on that day I was going to die I could feel it. I didn't call anybody. Instead I walked round and round and round my room not knowing what to do. I eventually screamed out that I couldn't take any more of this and that if you loved me you needed to show me now. I don't know who I was talking to. I fell to my knees and my telephone rang and it was my oldest friend Judy and she seemed to understand immediately what was happening and she spoke to me very gently and very motherly and as if I was a small child and she was telling me over and over that it wasn't my fault that it wasn't because of who I was and then this awful tumour in my gut burst and I must've sounded like a wild animal but my friend stayed on the phone just saying comforting things as I howled out the very last of the pain inside me. What I have written I don't think comes that close to what actually happened but I cannot find words to describe the agony of those months and the agony of those last moments when the monster finally left me.

I lost a great deal of weight after this, eight stone, or over 100lb, and the way I dress started to change. The people I had in my life also started to change new ones came in and a lot of old ones went out.

I am still learning and still growing. I still have flashbacks occasionally. I recently had the most humiliating experience of having somebody pushed one of my buttons hidden very deeply inside me. I was in public and I could not get away. I could feel myself crumbling and all I could think of openly is no not here not here not here.  a very dear friend  saw what was happening and she took me back to my wheelchair and made me sit and she did not say more than a couple of words to me before  the tears flowed.  I didn't need to explain anything to her. She is a very good friend with a very good heart and a very good intuition. She knew that something had occurred which pushed one of my abuse buttons.  and then later as I was going home another dear friend could see that I was a distressed and she was very kind to me and she offered me a piece of jewellery that I had admired earlier and jokingly took off her jacket to put  on mine. It was such a lovely gesture but of course I did not take it. But I will never forget that she offered it to me and she meant it. If I had taken it she would have been happy. But I didn't take it her friendship is enough.

Recently and this is very difficult, I have not been feeling good at all. I feel in a very low mood a lot of the time low enough to feel that I would rather not be here. (It is not something I would do now so there is no need to worry.)  I keep telling myself that should not be feeling like this since everything is going so well. 

I really cannot understand… As soon as I wrote that I realised that of course I understand. My disease has worsened a lot. And it is now really beginning to interfere with what I can do and cannot do. And right at this moment I don't really give a dam that there are other people worse off than me. This is me that I'm talking about not anybody else. I asked John last night if he thought I would still be able to be doing this in two years time then he said yes of course you can. How long do you think then? Seven or eight he said or even longer. I am only 54 even eight years only takes me to 62 and that is far too young to become incapable. this recent trip to Scotland I really enjoyed and I handled well because I was well medicated but I was so ill on the Tuesday. The days after dog shows are becoming much worse. Fortunately John is mainly here because most dog shows full on Friday Saturday or Sunday and John only works Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday now that he has retired.

I know people think that I am very much an extrovert are well of course I must be because of the way that I dress. No. It is part of my act. I can't really explain it but it is like putting on a costume and a different me comes out. It is almost like a different version of the manic me, all rather I mean are toned down version. It also distracts from the fact that I'm disabled because people do not remember me for that and I am no longer described as such. If people want to know who I am they don't say looks and a man in a wheelchair all ups and man in the walking sticks they described the man who dresses up or who has odd coloured boots. Don't misunderstand me. I love the show's and I enjoy the nice comments I receive about my outfits. But I am so glad when I get home and I can take it all off and just be me and stay indoors until the next show. I live quietly. I knit, I watched DVDs, I read, and I spend my time on here. I rarely go out I really enjoy my own company and the company of my dogs. So this really extrovert man everybody thinks they know doesn't exist at all. I am very glad though the I have pulled it off.  I am also very proud of myself for doing it. Know one is more surprised than myself that I dress the way I do and that I make myself so visible when all I want to do is shrink away into a hole and be on my own. I certainly wouldn't have thought that I could cope with being stared at but then I also didn't know that being stared at was not always a negative thing. twice at Scotland professional photographers asked if they could photograph me. This is not the first time this has happened. I find it truly amazing. It makes me laugh inside.

 I won.