Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I Was Promised 10"

I am most disappointed. The weather man promised me 10" and all I got was about 1"! Still better than nothing, I guess. I just love snow.

This is my new Aran. Decided I didn't like the previous one so i frogged it and came up with this one instead. Much prefer it. Haven't yet decided if it will be a modified drop or a raglan....

These are Nechung's pups, the hand reared ones, now 5 weeks old. The first two are girls. Below are Finty's 6 pups that are 23 days old. There are 7 photo's cos I couldn't resist the first one!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

dark nights

If you look carefully you will see there are 6 puppies, 4 girls and 2 boys. They were born between 5 and 6am Monday Dec 5th. Very quick, trouble free birth. Not bad for a first time mum.

I finally got to bed last night, but it did not go well. Nigthmares about the past again. Okay, so they are not so frequent now but really this shit never goes away. I don't really know what i dreamed of but it wasn't nice and I awoke sweating and cold and had to put the light on and leave it on. Whatever I dreamed of caused me to think of a traumatic police interview I went thru about 10 years ago. I had to sit and tell a perfect stranger, a police man, what a teacher had done to me. This teacher was a child pornographer. Now I had never told anyone this stuff, just my therapist. Not even my partner. So here i was feeling completley unsafe and humiliated having to tell my story, in intimate detail, to this policemen, of whom i was afraid anyway. At the end of it all, he told me that i would not be called as a witness as I had no credibilty. I thought he was telling me he thought I was lying. No he said, he knew I wasn't lying. But because I had a breakdown and spent time in hospital, I would not be considered a credible witness by the courts. So, folks, if you are going to abuse a child, make sure you damage them plenty so they can't testify against you. I never did find out anything about this : is the guy still out there abusing children? Is he dead? He must be quite old now. Are his films and photo's plastered on sick net sites? Are people getting their jollies looking at me being abused? That bothers me tho I mostly am successful in not thinking about it.
One thing I am successful at tho is having a good, happy and productive life. They didn't destroy me. They tried to, my father in particular, who couldn't stomach my good nature. I was a source of shame for him. How could he have produced this child who wasn't agressive, who didn't want to be like him? Who saw his father for what he was? How that must have enraged him! He kept going on and on about being a man. Real men beat up and bully defenceless children it seems. A man to be pitied. He lost so much.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


These are 10 days old. Bottle reared. Mum has no milk. We have 1 boy and 1 girl that are dark sable and the two lighter ones are also 1 boy and 1 girl.
They are fed every two hours with a milk formula. Mum is looking after them well, so at least I don't have to lick them to make them poo and pee!
Two hours between feeds goes very quickly.
They now weigh 11oz, 120z, 13oz and 14oz! The boys are the heaviest. They have also now go to the stage when they start to crawl toward me as soon as I open up their varikennel. Very quiet and content pups. Mum is excellent and doesn't mind me intefering at all. This is her last ever litter and she will be speyed now and live the rest of her life on my bed.
This litter combines the best American/French and British lines. Hopefully, I will have something good to keep from these.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

In Gere(Richard that is)

Above is a raglan sweater I made. The yarn is 50% merino, 25% Cashmere and 25% silk. 4ply weight.

Well, dear people, I would recommend you all go out and buy yourself a SAD light and then you'd have no excuse to bitch and moan and feel miserable. Yes, friends, it WORKS! People who know me have said I look well, not pale anymore(no it doesn't tan-wouldn't have that -skin cancer
you know- also don't want my skin to age any faster that it is - you should see what happens around my eyes when i smile-mmm.maybe I ought to switch off this light after all). John said it definately works. How do you know, I asked? Before you started using it, he replied, you were a miserable ****. What could I do but laugh and inwardly plan my revenge?

The world is full of wankers who want puppies. Honestly, they can't even make an inteliigent enquiry, why do they think they could raise a puppy? 'Ow much are ya Poodles?' one silly cow asked. 'I don't have Poodles' I reply. 'what 'ave you got and ow much?' 'I can't help you.' I said, 'and thank you for calling.' Maybe I am just getting old but I resisted saying 'fuck off'.

Oh and the spam one gets now(are you old enough to remember spam sandwaiches. makes me retch just recalling them). I get these ones from Princess IThink Youra Gulliblewanker and i am the widow of the late Prince Youra Tosser and I need your help to get millions of pounds from a Swiss Bank Account and I will make sure your receive 20% of said millions for helping me do this. So kind of them to offer, I think. NOT! They must think I have the IQ of a gnat. Come to think of it, they obvioulsy are retarded if they think this works.

Then there are those that offer me penile enlargement. What i want to know is this: who's been talking?

Oh and we have a little fun over on UKH. Oh yes, troll season is upon us. This particular one names herself Chrissie (I'll withold the surname) and it turns out the name belongs to a woman who authors knitting books. Mmmm...unique marketing skills-join a list and insult your potential customers. Now either this Chrissie person was the real one and if so she should go and seek help. Or she was a troll using a psuedonym knowing it was kntting related-in which case he/she ought to seek help.

Trouble is Trolling works because so many people seem to love getting irate and upset about emails. Like I used to. yes, I used to when I was green and new to this PC and net lark. Gosh, I got so upset sometimes that if my PC gave me access to the BUTTON, none of us would be sitting here now. Since then, I have calmed down quite a bit, had therapy, and now just stay drunk. Quicker and easier than trying not to get upset. Okay, so you are thinking 'no wonder his memory is crap'...well you may be right but hey this is my life and if I want to drink all day and night it's my business so push off. Anyway, back to the Trolling. I guess it's what some people do when they can't cope with being drunk all the living in the real wordl...only for those who can't cope with drink or drugs...

Sorry about that last paragraph, just kidding. Me drunk? No never. Those were the days. Nope, I just get thru my days on fresh water and food. I've become really virtuous. No vices. Not many anyway. I still smoke, very little. But that is it. Don't even **** anymore. Too knackered.

Richard Gere. Now hasn't he grown in appeal? I think so anyway. Never thought much of him till he started going grey. Just saw him with Ms Sarandon in Shall We Dance?. Lovely film. VERY romantic. Aaah, there I was engrossed in this film, imagining him sweeping me off my walking sticks and carrying me ..well a couple of feet till his back gave out....still one can dream. It got me thinking that just my luck, now I am crippled, that he or Mr Jackman would come a knocking and I would just have to say no, sorry,.....

This reminds that in July it is our 25th anniversary. John and I that is. My original thought was I'd go out with him till someone rich and famous came and swept me away...well that was almost 25 years ago and i am still waiting...tho of course it is too late now....whilst waiting I discovered what love really is and that my heart had been captured and now doesn't want anything to change...he showed me what life was meant to be.

Friday, November 11, 2005

SAD and Forgetful

This is Solo, now 8 weeks and 3 days old. He may be leaving home very soon.
Knitting-I am knitting a wasitcoat in a brown oiled wool I bought in Heidelberg. I am using 4mm needles and garter stitch. Using Addi Turbo Circulars and knitting it all in one piece, till I get to the arm holes. Obivoulsy, as this is a waistcoat, it is not joined and knit in the round!

On the machine, I have almost completed a navy blue ragaln, using 50% Merino, 25% cashmere, 25% silk yarn. 2/15's weight, used double knit on the Brother 940. I have used the garter carriage for the ribbing as I prefer the way the gc does the ribbing.

I forked out a fair bit of dosh for a SAD light. No the light is not sad, nor crap design. It is a light which simulates daylight so that one's pineal gland does what it would do if it were sunny - ie makes one feel alive again. At least that is what it is supposed to do. Independent research says it does. It gives out light at 10,000lux(very bright) and one sits in front of it so that the light gets to one's eyes and thus to one's pineal gland. This ought to prevent one from becoming a vegetable in winter which I am apt to do. My gp suggested I was a SAD sufferer and I must admit to thinking it was claptrap. However, my medical history does indeed show that over the last 30 years all my serious health issues, including hospitalizations, have occurred in winter and my hypo phases have occurred in the spring/summer. Last year was especially bad. Only my dogs kept me going. I got so bad I could barely move and my stutter came back. However, I still didn't think winter and lack of light had anything to do with it. Not so sure now. Hence the light. Oh, I could have moved to live within 30deg of the equator-the only known cure - but.......

Scans suggest I may be inundated with about 15 pups! Now that is 60 little boooties to knit! I shall be very busy in about 10 days time right thru to about March. Maybe I WILL move to the Equator ...or John will.

Simply Knitting arrived thru my letter box. This time the free gift was really useful for me - 2006 diary. My memory is appalling and I need to write things down - like my name or the dogs'- or I forget. Trouble is I also forget where I put my diary or I forget to read it. I asked John if he would put up an idiot baord next the fridge so I could write things up on it or rather stick post it notes on it for reminders. He just looked at me with that look on his face, as if to say 'poor thing' . At least that is my interpretation. It probaly means '' why the f**k am I still here?'. So he took me out to the kitchen and showed me the fridge. On the wall next to it is an idiot board and it has been there for almost 7 years....
I have been known to go out the house and get into my car still in my night shirt....or I have stood at my house front door pressing the button on my car key and wondering why the friggin door won't open!

I do a fair amount of public speaking. I always forget what I am talking about . People think it is part of my method. It isn't. I literally forget what I am talking about. And very frequently, well all the time really, I start to talk about one thing and just take a diversion onto something else and confuse myself. Again, it is thought to be part of my method and I get very good feedback and people say they get much out of my talks. Glad they do. I daren't ask them what they get tho cos I haven't a clue!

Friday, October 28, 2005


Despite the cliches and typically arrogant prig, the pysch in it, this show is really entertaining. Loads of inaccuracies about what mediumship is and how it presents itself, but it is still a good show. I like Lesley Sharp First saw her in a program about a women's footy team.

There is another show, again entertainign, but ignorant about mediumship, is Medium, which if I recall is on Beeb 2. An American crime show I guess but with a twist. I don't find the main character sympathetic at all. However, it is worth watching if one bears in mind the claptrap about what mediumship is and how it works.


My consultaion with the DLA govt Dr went well. He took one look at me and wondered why he was there. He said he would fully support my claim and wondered why there was any doubt as to my condition.

I now also have x-ray evidence showing the disintegration of my spinal column at the neck and the lumbar region. I now have 4 diagnosed diseases. That sounds bad but it isn't really and could be much worse. Although I suppose I could be more concerned about the heart disease, I am more concerned about the spondiwhatsit. That could see me not walking at all. However, that isn't the case now and I don't think about it.
For now, I can still do much of what I want to do. I do not like being dependant. I can't just go and buy the dog food, for instance. Have to have John with me to carry. There are quite a few things that I can't do, like get undressed or dressed without help-mainly shoes. I love boots but have given up wearing them cos they are just too difficult. Housework. Now that is something else I can't do. Don't you pity me? Isn't it awful not being able to do housework? ;-) Not that i ever have. I have always done the minimum and now have a good excuse for not doing it at all!! With taking care of the dogs, keeping them clean and tidy, and making sure we don't pong of dogs, and with my knitting and reading and tv watching and pc time, i just don't have the time or energy for cleaning house. Perhaps i ought to get in a woman who does. Maybe there is a support group somewhere for people whose OCD takes the form of cleaning. I could go there and find someone or two or three to come and clean....(now don't get your knickers in a twist I know only too well how OCD affects people and it is serious and having grown up with the cleaning OCD I know it causes grief. My own OCD didn't extend to cleaning tho.....)
Anyway, speaking of tv watching, I find I have to be very choosy nowadays. Not time to watch just anything so i only record the important more high -brow stuff. Like Neighbours. I missed a whole week of episodes whilst we were away cos the Sky box thing failed. And it was a week of juice, I gather. Now Izzy has disappeared and well, I doubt karl killed her. Maybe Susan? ;-) It couldn't have been Paul-he is a changed man.....very believable don't you think?

Also we tend to watch most of what we want on dvd. We are on the 6th series of The West Wing which is EXCELLENT. So well made and acted.
Then we have 4 series of Six Feet Under to watch. And the first series of Desperate Housewives which has to be the best thing I have seen on tv for many years, if not the best thing ever.

As I only get to watch these whilst John is here, we only watch at the weekends. So i am watching Ali McBeal from the beginning. I didn't really see it when it was showing, just caught the odd bit. Anyway, I think it is very funny. I am one of those people that rarely laughs out loud at comedy but this show makes me LOL every episode. They are very funny people and I think they behave and think like any 12th step person would. They are like a bunch of addicts-food, drugs, booze, OCD whatever. Very funny.( I don't mean the characters are addicts - just they behave like such)

Unlike Sex In The City( or as an older firend calls it Sluts In The City). I tried and tried with this show. Okay the sex and rude bits were interesting(don't often see naked men on tv shows) but really, I thought all of these women were just plain dull and soooo self centred and not very likeable. Okay the one who had sex with anything in trousers was funny and likeable becasue she didn't seem so serious even tho she appeared totally self absorbed but in a funny way. The other 3 were just so damed serious and full of selfish angst.

It seems I ought to enjoy Will and Grace but i don't. All sorts of reasons. Mainly I find the characters annoying and again very self centred. I object to the lead role , a gay man, being played by a str8 guy. What, no gay actors? I also object to yet again having gay characters portrayed as hopeless and unable to commit and find love(Will) or promiscuous(the other guy whose name escapes me). Oh it's Jack. I just want to slap him. Karen? I was going to say there are plenty of drunk women like her but what is she? str8? Gay? Bi? Just nuts? A terribly selfcentred cow anyway. And as for Grace-she needs to grow up and realise the world does not revolve around her. Okay, I know it is supposed to funny and the character quirks could indeed be very funny but it just doesn't work. The people are obnoxious and the whole thing is offensive.

Frasier was my favourite comedy. Clever and funny. And yes, the two main characters, Frasier and Niles were self centred prigs but they were drawn well and the comedy was there. They weren't so obnoxious that you wanted to turn off. It was fun to see them dig their holes. Also, this could have been a great gay show. It was except that F and N were not gay. Other than that everything about this show was gay. F and N were typical of a certain type of upper class snobby gay man. The campness of the whole thing, the very witty and caustic comments. Very funny. I wonder if the actors knew they were playing gay men of certain type ?Pity it has closed now.

This N That

Another rainy day today. Great fun with the dogs! Newspaper down in kitchen and hallway. Yesterday the temp was in the 70's. I have my doubts about global warming. Having read about and seen tv docs about climate change over the centuries, it would seem to me that this is normal. One doc about the history of Europe showed us just how much our land and climate have changed. Why, just because we now live as we do, with our cities etc, do we think that nature will not carry on doing what it is doing? Do we not relaise we live in a finite world? Yes, we need to do something about our pollution but I don't think that will stop nature's changes.

My aran sweater is about to be frogged. I have decided it isn't what I had in mind. I am going to so something with more cables and no DMS and with modified drop shoulders I think.

You'd think the way scientists go on about what we eat and drink and smoke or not, that if we followed their advice, as contradictory as it is, that we will live forever. When are we going to accept death? We have got to the point now that we blame ourselves for dying. That whatever our diesease is, we are to blame. Heart disease, cancer, MS, a host of diseases of the body, all are caused by us, either by bad behaviour, bad thinking or just plain badness. Or it is direct punishment from 'god'. So we have science on the one hand blaming us 'scientifually', the self righteous religionists blaming us and a vengeful God and the New Age pratts telling us we were not good enough and if only we thought right and forgave right and went around with a stupified smile on our serene little faces, we would not get sick and die. They all live in cloud cockoo land. We DIE. All of us do. We cannot avoid it. It is the only thing we can be certain of. We will die. Life is terminal.

The good news is that we survive it! Huh? Survive what? Death of course. Our bodies die and rot away but we do not. And it doesn't matter who you are, whether or not you are perceived as good or wicked, you cannot cease to exist. And no, there is no vengeful judgemental god waiting for you to either place you on a pink cloud and give you a harp or throw you into a firey pit. Nope. As in this life, where our thinking determines to a certain extent our life experience, so it will be in the non physical world although our thinking will be all there is so therefore our surroundings will be exactly as our thinking dictates. If we are negative and self centred I hardly think our surroundings will be heavenly. However, whatever our sprititual state, progress is ALWAYS open to ALL. There is no point of no return. There is no line for you to cross that will forever leave you in darkness. No. Progress is always open to you - and it is up to you to choose it. You can either face the light and work toward it or you can turn your back and walk the other way. It is up to you. However, if you turn your back and walk the other way, no matter how far, you will always be able to turn around.
We all will have to face ourselves. The good, the bad and the indifferent. we will feel how we caused another to feel. We will feel the joy, the peace, the relief we brought to others. Conversely, we will also feel the suffering we brought others. What better justice is there?

It is strange to me that whilst people talk of God, even religion, or spirituality, people ignore the real evidence that we survive death. They balk at the idea or are embarassed by it or even think one is loopy to believe it. Yet, there is so much evidence out there. John and I have made a study of this for almost 25 years. Niether of us doubt that we survive death. And no, the evidence is not the stuff you see on Living TV, the psychic mumbo jumbo crap, which has been edited and most of it just plain insulting. However, there is genuine mediumship and it takes place daily all over the world. Along with it is the misguided 'mediumship', the fraudulent, the poor mediumship, the ego trippers. It is up to you to sift thru it and not just dimiss the whole thing as crap. Every day people are receiving confirmation that we do indeed survive physical death.
Keep your mind open, always.

The only unforgivable sin is that of a closed mind. A closed mind cannot be reached and thus it's sin(error) cannot be corrected.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Chipolata ordeal

This is tilly and her son, solo, now almost 6 weeks of age and very cute. Not a very good pic but the digicam ran out of juice so I'll have to wait to try for a better one.

We just got back from our trip to Germany. We had a 4 hour delay at the Chunnel and got into France at 5.30pm . We then drove to Namur in Belgium where we stayed the night. The following day we drove to Lake Konstanz, on the German, Swiss, Austrian border. We drove thru Luxembourg and France to get there. Our hotel was very nice and we had a suite, bang in the middle of Konstanz opposite the railway station.
Spent the Monday walking around Konstanz, with me using the w/chair too. It was cold and I had to buy some thermal long john's! Very thin tho and comfy to wear. I only found one yarn shop and it wasn't very interesting.
The following day we drove to Lindau which is a beuatiful island town on the lake. Couldn't use the chair there at all cos the streets were cobbled and that made it hard forJohn to push and was too painful anyway for me as it juddered all the time. John has the patience of a siant. I walk really slowly with my sticks and so he does too and he is 6ft 1" so that makes it harder. After Lindau we drove to Oberstaufen. This involved driving up high thru the mountins along winding rounds with local people right behind me driving fast! Yet the roads were narrow and there was no barrier between my car and falling off the edge! I drove very slowly around blind bends etc much to the annoyance of these pratts who still wanted to drive at 60mph!
However, the scenery was beautful. I really adore German architecture(and Austrian), the houses are wonderful. The valleys and mountians make your jaw drop. I bought a jacket and 2 waistcoats and 2 shirts, all Austrian/German Landhaus style(traditional).
Although we had intended to stay until Thursday, i decided we should leave Wednesday and head for Heidelberg. I did the right thing. The weather turned nasty. We stopped off at Rottweil(where the Rottweiler dog hails from). There is where the rain started. We got to Heidelberg at 7pm and it was still wet and I had been driving all day.The report said the rain was staying till the weekend. We were lucky, the next day the sun shone all day and we spent it walking around Heidelberg-a beautiful city. Cobbled steets again so no chair.
I went from Friday to Wednesday without having a poo and I tell you, I was fit to burst. I felt so bloated and horrid. Of course the pain killers, codeine, bung you up. So i stopped taking them after Monday and trebled my does of laxitives. Still no joy. Finally, I decided I would eat foods I am allergic to-namely wheat. So Tuesday, i did precisely that. I was expecting pain and to feel sick. No. I did get a cramp and then finally
I managed a movement but it was a rather pathetic attempt at evacuation. All that effort for a hard chipolata. So I took more laxative and the next day ate more wheat. So Thursday in Heidelberg after much panting and pushing, I managed another hard chipolata. I was not feeling good. I was bloated, hungover from the wheat and now getting very uncomfortable.
Friday we drove home, or rather to Calais. 500miles thru heavy rain and wind. Hotel was again very nice and we even went and visted Cite Europe which was just another mall really. I threw all sense and caution to the wind and we bought food to eat in our hotel room-I bought bread rolls, wholewheat! I felt stuffed afterwards and was really looking forward to having the runs I always get if I eat wheat. Did it work? Of course bloody not! By the time we got on the Chunnel the following morning, I felt pregnant and really wanted to off load. Driving up the M20, not more than 20 mins into Engalnd, I could feel the earth begin to move and I had to stop rather qucikly at the Maidstone service. Aaaahhh-reflief at last. Still no runs but at least I dumped a good load this time and did so several more times that day.
Today of course I feel like shit, hung over, weak and tired and knowing the next few days will be tough as I detox.
Did I buy some yarn? Of course I did. I bought some oild wool for making myself a Landhasu style jacket, cardi. These are made in garter stitch.
It is always a let down to come back home after a drive around mainland europe. Back to crap food, crap service, being ripped off. Our supermarkets are appalling compared to the mainland, expecially France and their Carrefore. Our m'way service staions are a total rip off, appalling food at very expensive prices served by usually miserable gits who don't know what they are doing. The m'way services on the mainland are sooo different. good service, good prices and very good food. I don't know why in the UK we put with such crap and bad service. I think it is because we don't like to 'make a fuss' and so we allow ourselves to get trodden on. I really can't believe how bad our supermarkets are and that we put up with it. Bad service, very limited choice and high prices to boot.
If I were rich, I'd go and do my weekly shop in France!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Busy Busy Busy

What a weekend! I had to drive at the last minute 420 miles return between 7pm and 3.15am last night to take one of my bitches to be mated. Why so sudden? Well, i realised she was close to ready and today I have to pick up John from Heathrow as he returns from a business trip. Tomorrow, he would not want to drive to take the bitch and nor would I since I am having to drive 200 plus this evening. So I left Finty with her beau and will collect her next weekend, hopefully well and truly shaggged and up the duff.
This is done on the passap E6000 using OX/N. The yarn is wonderful. A 2/15 weight. 50% Merino, 25% Cashmere and 25% Silk. Makes a medium weight sweater.This is another 100% Cashmere. I really like this colour called Lovat which is a green heather mix.

Friday, September 30, 2005

God Has Low Self Esteem?

Isn't it strange that God should require total obedience? That God should require constant praise, have us tell Him all the time how wonderful He is? That God has a temper and if He doesn't get his way He destroys? What does that sound like? A despot! We go to war here on earth to get rid of such people!

Do you really think God needs you tell Him how wonderful he is? Do you think maybe he already knows this?

Of course this is assuming God exists and is like us and thinks like us. God to most people is made in our image. It is we humans who need constant praise, who want things our way. It is we humans who seem unable to love unconditionally. People of religious persuasion talk of God as loving us, yet He clearly does not. Why? The love He has is conditional and love is not love if it is conditional. I think we find that hard to grasp.
Any God who says if you do not do as I say, I will destroy you or punish you for eternity, is not a good God. I don't believe such a God exists. We have made Him up, we have made Him to be like us, with our worst traits.

We are 'punished' by our sins not for them. Even those who foolishly believe they are 'saved' because they believe a certain story are punished by their sins. They do not escape the law. We all reap what we sow.
I once watched a documentary about belief. One of the interviewees was a woman working among the poor and sick in a 3rd world country. When asked why she did this work, her reply was because 'she loved Jesus'. It wasn't 'because i care for these people and can't bear to see them suffer'. It was because she hoped to score highly in the Heaven stakes and get on Jesus' good side! For me, there lies the problem with believing in a jealous, vengeful God. How can we ever trust our own or others motives if we believe that if we don't do what we think our God wants, we will be destroyed?

No matter what we believe, we suffer the consequneces of our 'sins'. No one takes that from us, no belief takes that from us. It is we who make the errors and we who suffer as a result. It is we who think what we think, believe what we believe and act as we act. Thus it is we who experience the results of that. In other words, we are Personally Responsible. We cannot shift this to another.
None of us is perfect, we all make mistakes in thinking and belief. We all live accordingly. Some people, especially so called 'New Age' people, believe we are to blame for our diseases, poverty etc and by magical thinking we can overcome all. In fact, if we are good enough, all will be well. Not exactly original and not really any different from Religious Fundamentalists!

People seem to find it hard to accept uncertainty. We cling to the belief that bad things only happen to bad people. Thus we spend our lifes trying to be good, not realising that we are inately good anyway and most of the bad stuff comes from our belief system! We can become very self centred in our desperate quest to control our lives.

We need to trust that we can cope with whatever comes our way. That whatever comes our way, just does, that it isn't meant to be.

Shit happens.

Do you really think it's God's will that a child is raped and murderd? That it was meant to be? If so, then the murderer was merely doing God's will. I think people do not think these beliefs thru. We all hear stories of people who for some reason missed a flight only for that flight to crash killing everyone on board. So we say that God saved that person, they were meant to be saved. We don't say God wanted those 300 people who did get on the flight burned to death do we? That they were meant to die horribly?

There is a power greater than ouselves, that seems fairly obvious. That power can be used to help us live with uncertainty. No point praying for this that or the other. Don't pray for the bad stuff not to happen. if you must pray, pray for strength and courage to live life as it comes. Find quiet times to sit and be still, you'd be amazed how this builds your strength.
Regardless of your personal belief in a Higher Power, or lack of, this quiet time will still be of value.

Fear is the root of all evil. No one is free from it. How we cope with it, how we lessen it, shows in our lives. It is importnat to know that no matter what you think, no matter what you have done, there is no need to fear God . If God exists, She is totally benign.

Total faith, lack of doubt, is a sure path to trouble. For you and for others. The results of Total Faith and No Doubt are visible on our TV screens everyday. The results of child abuse are there too. Yes, teaching children religous ways, the no doubt variety, the vengeful God nonsense, is child abuse.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Love Thy Neighbour?

Seems to me people get so hung up on love. The Xtian religion(and others)suggests we should love our neighbour as oursleves. Most exclaim that we can't do that! I think because we get confused between love and attachment. We think we are supposed to feel about everyone the way we feel about our family or lovers or even our pets. Some say 'how can we love people we don't like?' Well we don't have to like anyone but we can still love them. How? It is quite simple and we can love everyone thru our actions. Love is an action after all.

Making sure we don't drop litter. HUH? Helping to keep our environment clean is an act of love. Not leaving our supermarket trolleys by our cars but putting them back where they belong. Another act of love. Not parking in the disabled bays when we are not disabled. Another act of love. Smiling at people, being polite, friendly, helpful. All acts of love. Treating people with positive regard. It's love. Treating others, regardless of whether or not we like them, as we would want to be treated ourselves. Love.

Love is not so difficult after all. We can all do it. We all benefit. What we give, we receive. Everything we do, rebounds on upon us. Our attitudes, our actions, all affect us. We cannot escape the consequences of our thoughts and actions. We act and think in a poisitve way and we reap the benefits. Act and think in a negative way, and we reap the result. It is good to realise that the we are not the way the world is but that the world is the way we are. In other words, we each live in our own world-one which we created ourselves. If we don't like our world, we change it-by changing ourselves. Not so nutty as it sounds at first hearing! We all experience the world differently, according to our beliefs, the way we think. If we are unahppy, we need to change our beliefs and thought patterns. Our thoughts, beliefs, are really importnat. They dictate the life we lead. By thoughts, I do mean the habitual thoughts, the deeply held beleifs we have, not the fleeting thoughts we all have-like 'oh drop dead' when we are angry. That is just a fleeting thought. It goes and does no harm. However, if that 'drop dead' becomes seated and we truly wish another harm and it becomes a part of us, then we are in trouble.

I know of two people who died from cancer, not too long ago. One of them believed her cancer was bad luck, just one of those things that happens to human beings. The other believed his cancer was a punishment, aimed at him specifically. Which one had an easier illness and death? The first one, who believed it was just one of those things. What we think and believe really DOES make a difference.

If we believe in a God, the sort of God we believe in makes a difference too. Is your God loving and kind and patient? Or is your God demanding and jealous and angry and vengeful? It seems many have the latter type of God, and we see how that affects them and us! Fundamentalists are not loving and kind and patient and tolerant because the God they believe in is not. Or rather the God they believe in is the result of how they are inside-fearful and judgemental. We create God in our own image! When you listen and they insist they are right, that they have total faith in their God, you must realise that in reality they have total faith in their own judgement. Not God. But in themselves. Their ego. Their sense of righteousness. THAT is where their faith is. Total faith, with no room for doubt, is a clear message that the the faith is not in God but in themselves. They are in total agreement with their own ideas! It isn't a book that tells them 'this is THE TRUTH', but their own selves!

No one alive today knows what the TRUTH is. All we have is our ideas, the beliefs we have created, the meanings we have created, from our experience. Those meanings and ideas may or may not be positive. We all have different experiences, and we all create diffrent meanings and thus we all see the world and eachother differently. Hence all the grief we experience. Not just because of the meanings we create but because we try and force our ideas and our meanings upon others. This is what WAR is about. Power is the abilty to force your idea, your meaning creation, upon others. In other words, to get others to see things the way you do, the get others to be the way you want them to be. Of course, it never works because some people will always think for themselves. And people always want to force their ideas onto others. Thus peace does not last for long.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Domestic Violence Month

October is Domestic Violence Month in the USA. You can find out more at

Strangely, when people speak of domestic violence, i don't , as a rule, think of myself as having experienced it. It seems to be about men beating women and not about men and women beating children. In my home, my mother was never beaten. I clearly recall my dad almost hitting my mum once-not delibrately, but he was smashing my head into a wall and mum thought this was going to become known outside the house(holding up an image was soooo important to them) so she intervened and that is how she nearly got hit-in his rage, he didn't realise she was in the way until almost too late. Well, she flew at him so vicioulsy I was shocked. Shocked because in that moment I realised that all this time, she could have protected me and stopped him. Instead, she normally cleaned me up, put cold compresses on me and told me if I was good he wouldn't do it. I spent my whole life being good in the hope that people would treat me well. I know better now.

My mum was just as bad but she wasn't as scary nor so physically strong.

Despite the physical abuse, and sexual abuse outside the home,( I was a classic victim), it is the emotional abuse that was the worst and still is. Never being told I was loved. Being told I was bad, stupid, lazy, evil, the cause of all ills. Told I was crazy, that what had just happened, hadn't. That i didn't see things right. THAT is what did the damage. I suffered at the hands of a child pornographer because I didn't dare tell because I would get into trouble! (11 years ago the Police traced me thru Interpol, and i had to spend 3 days giving evidence-(i.e. details of what was done to me even tho they had film of my abuse, at least I assume they did or else how did they know I was one of the man's victims?)-only to be told I could not give evidence in court because I was not a reliable witness. Why? I had had psychiatric treatment! Yes that is right. If you abuse someone, and they need psychiatric help because of it, you get off scott free because they are too crazy to be believed!!! I have no idea what happend to this guy. The whole thing was appalling. I have only given one person the details of my abuse, my therapist. This policeman got some of it and left me feeling abused and dirty again. Not even my partner of 24 years knows the deatils and never will. )
The very first time I was sexually assaulted, i did tell. Not str8 away, i was scared to. But the girl next door was assaulted and the police got involved etc. I then told my mum about this man and what he did in case it was the same man who asaulted the girl. She slapped me and told me I was disgusting and blamed me for what happened to the girl. Nothing else happened. She didn't speak up. I learned to keep my mouth shut then. It was very lonely being a child and hasn't changed much. I still feel a barrier between me and everyone else. Just because the violence ends doesn't mean the nightmare does.

Domestic Violence is serious. It has serious consequences. We see those consequences in society-the violence, the substance abuse, the poor. Educate yourself and support the efforts of groups working to end this vile and insidious evil. A recent documentary here, supported by the police, showed the lives of 7 men that had caused much harm thru their violent offending in a UK city. EACH one of them had been victims of violence and sexual abuse as children. The Police on the program expressed dismay that the general public refused to see the connection between child abuse and violent offending and substance abuse and were only interested in locking these men up. Perhaps, if you are reading this, you might form a different view to the general public.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


This is the new baby Miniature Longhaired Dachshund, not yet 24 hours old. He was HUGE and I had to pull him out of his mum by his back feet.
She only had him! I had sat with her from Sunday night when she started to scratch and nest and pant and refuse food. He was born 2pm Tuesday!
Mum then promptly went to sleep. I examined her and realised she was not carrying any more, just this fat lump. Poor Mum. She was ever so good and didn't make a sound when i was pulling her boy out. He is , of course, named Solo.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

I wish i were a girl.....

I am so pleased with this, I wish I were a girl just so i could wear it. 2 x 2/28's Mongolian Cashmere. Nothing else to say really. It feels superb.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

DLA Tribunal

Well this was a complete waste of time. I got there and they adjourned it str8 away! One because my representative was not with me, which they knew a couple of months ago that he wouldn't be, and because they wanted more from my GP. So why didn't ask for this months ago? This has gone since November 04. Now it will be more months of waiting. I cannot walk far and then with the aid of sticks. I cannot bathe myself anymore. I use a wheelchair when out for any length of time. I can't cook unless just heating stuff in the microwave. What exactly do they want?
Also, you can tell what sort of power game they are playing. You arrive and are escorted into a large room and sat on a small chair in front of panel of three people with a large desk between us. Do they think we are all stupid or easily intimidated? Do they really expect us to not know the game they are playing?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Oh Pigs!

Tomorrow I have to go to a DLA tribunal. Despite my consultant and GP writing and confirming my disabilty and my illness, I still have to go and prove I am disabled! Quite how I do that I don't know since having clear written evidence didn't help. Perhaps when they see me hobbling on my sticks....

On the Passap E6000, UX/N, merino wool.

On The Passap E6000, BX/FX, merino wool.
On the Passap E6000, BX/FX. Merino wool.
merino wool on the Passap E6000, bx/fx.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Rain Rain Rain/Pups

Yet another wet, wet, wet day. Really horrid summer this year. Mostly cool and wet, some very hot humid days but mostly cool and wet. Not good dog days. I don't normally care what the weather is like, but rain is a pain with dogs that don't like it. So it's newspaper down for them . The pups are very full of themselves. They bark at the door when it's knocked. They howl and scream when it's time, in their opinion, for me to get up. They seem to think 5am or even 4am is reasonable. They also do the same at feed time. And if I go out, I am greeted on my return by bedlam.
Little dears that they are.

I have sign on my door requesting that sales people and charities and religous hawkers do not knock. Do they take any notice? Well, charities do. The sales people don't and neither do the Jehovah's Witnesses. why would I buy any goods, or listen to someone spout on about their interpretation of god and life, when they can't read? I just close the door, biting my tongue because I really want to say '%$£"*&^((%$£!!!!!!'

Finally finished the front. It was meant to be the back, and I forgot. The reason being is that I have two different dyelots and decided to do back in one and the rest in the other. Now it will have to the other way around!
Close up of stitch. The diamonds are created with twisted sts filled with DMS.
Neck close up, front. Same interupted rib as body.
You dare.....!
Oh leave me be!
Why are you pointing that at me?

Not as sweet as he looks. At least not at 5am when he and his litter mates think I ought to get up.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Jelly Legs

Very wet day today so I have newspaper down in various strategic places for the pups to use. They are smart and don't need telling. They are 8 weeks old today.

I was disturbed by some rowdy male voices and it made me rather nervous. However, it is just some blokes playing footy in the rain in the field behind our house. I still get nervous at these sort of nosies but since we have lived here we have had no trouble. My car doesn't get wrecked, we don't have bricks put thru our windows and I don't get assaulted. We lived with that for a number of years and is the reason we moved out of the city. So much for city people being more 'tolerant'. Where we live now is quiet, small population, a country town. I know loads of people to say Hi to and plenty are friendly. Those that are not, just ignore us. I am grateful for that. Much rather be ignored than abused.

I am having a flare of my condition. Been relatively okay for the last couple of weeks but Wednesday the pain started to impinge on my consciouness more than usual. I went to Tesco yesterday evening to get cottage cheese for the dogs and thought my legs were going to give way completely. They bloody hurt and were very wobbly. Also had a chat with one of the ladies there as I am wont to do. Now, John and I usually stop and chat to her and have done for 6 years. Well, last night she was talking about her finance problems as her husband is sick now. I said I was lucky becasue John earned good money. Her reply was 'I hope he pays you good rent since he lives in your house.' !!!!! I didn't say a word. Some people just live in a different universe.

Today, at 11.30 am I sat down for my meditation and woke up 3 hours later. Either I have grown tremendously spiritually as a result or I was knackered and needed the sleep. I think the latter. I tend to do TM twice a day. The morning one I am confident I do. The evening one I am never sure if I did it or napped for 20 minutes.

It finally dawned on me that i really am no longer able to do craft fairs. Yes, I can still deny the ramifications of my illness. However, I did come to the realisation that I cannot do the fairs anymore. Soooo....I followed the suggestion of someone and gave Ebay a go. I sold 5 sweaters. Not for much but not bad at all for a first time. Even if I only get back the yarn costs(whcih I more than did), it is at least soemthing and better than just sticking my work in a cupboard!

This was done on the Passap E6000 using UX/N and pure wool, all slightly diffrent counts(thicknesses). I 'painted' the pattern in Paint Shop Pro and then converted it.
I am rather pleased with this. It's raglan in style. The yarn is pure wool and a rusty brown. My own design, knitted with the garter carriage. Shaping with the GC does take a lot longer but I find it so worthwhile to persevere. I either hand knit or sew up whilst waiting for the shaping rows. Or I work on the PC which is next to machine.

I did the neck using the same 'interupted' rib as I used for the hems. I really wasn't sure if it would work but am very pleased with the result.

Monday, August 08, 2005


I am Soenke. I am 6.5 weeks old.

It's mine! I WILL eat it.
We are Dharma and Alice. Dharma is the mum of the pups.
I am Tilly and I am delicate cos I am in whelp. Don't point at me!
I am Nechung. The BOSS.
I am Finty and I am one year old.


yes, this is me.

Me showing friendVannessa's Mum, the joys of Addi Turbo Circular needles. Carol now wants some of her very own.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Passap Sweater

This was knitted on the E6000. I used LX/AX<>. It has set in sleeves. The design is my own, done in DAK. The yarn is 50% Merino 50% acrylic,double stranded, approx 2x 2/24's
Knit at ten 3.25/3.25 which would be the tightest it can go, for this yarn. I also used the comb and weights. I find this machine knits better when using the comb and weights, especially when doing any form of tuck stitch which the backing of this is. I also have the Wooley Weights so when the Passap comb and weights are almost to the ground, I replace the comb with WWs. The pattern is a 40 st repeat so could have been knit on Duo 80 with Deco unit. This was also the first DJ sweater I have sewn together using mattress stitch. I use mattress for most things and had wrongly assumed it would not work on DJ. As you can see, it does.
This is the 'ribbing'. It is tech 118 on the E6000 or BX<> on both beds for the Duo 80. I knit it at ten 2.75 on both beds. I find this welt is good for these sweaters, pulls in enough but not too much. It also works especially well for short welts, which I mostly perfer.

This is the first neck I have joined on the Passap. I used 3 strands to match the body weight. ten was 4.24/4,25 and in 2x1 rib. I knit the rows required and then one row of st st after transfering all sts to back bed. I then dropped the front bed and brought up the knitting between the beds wrong side facing me. I pulled the needles thru cut neck edge. I then knitted back by hand and latched off. I hand sewed tha neck cast on edge to the inside, sewing thru the stitch heels created by the joining row.