Thursday, June 28, 2012


Hi all,

All is well here. Just very very busy. I am longing for time to myself. The office and the conservatory are finished decoration wise. Furniture arriving tomorrow and Monady.
I am so exhausted that yesterday I slept brought to four pm and when I awoke the men had laide the stair and landing carpet, right out side my bedroom and I did not stir!!!

Thrilling news for me. Whitney's daughter, Tantra's Plenty O'Toole Isa Kutani won her first CC and BOB. This is a first for me as a breeder. I could not be more pleased. I have not been able to get to get shows so this is a double pleasure. Deita as she is called mis Owen and loved by Wendy Cain of Kutani. Wendy owns the father of my litter. I own Pussy who has only been shown a could of times but has a first and a Best Puppy.

I must go to bed. his work has been three months now and I am just exhausted and longing for time on my own with my music.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I have always known that being open about my past leaves me vulnerable to sick and cruel or just plain ignorant people. I have had my share of evil comments here and I even had a stalker for a while. I handled them fine.

Just very recently, I wrote a short version of my past in response to something that warranted the explanation I gave. There was no response part from one brief comment. No one else commented until a woman did and all she could do was criticise my paragraphs! She said other things, all dismissive. 

I cannot tell you how shaming it is to bare yourself like that only to have that sort of comment back. This type of ignorant cruelty still enrages me and I have realised that if I feel rage then I have been shamed first.

How can anyone read such a story and ignore it or criticise it in anyway? Why is their response not one of compassion and horror? I don't know and I guess I have always had a problem with people like this. What sort of person can only criticise a person who is brain damaged, has serious body and pain issues, who has been able to communicate anyway, and who still WANTS to?  I don't know about you, I find that really callous and sick. This isn't about agreeing with me or not saying you don't. It is about not shaming me just because I find writing and typing a mental and physical challenge. All of which was clear in what I wrote. She isn't the first and won't be the last callous so and so I come across but this is the first time I have been honest about how it really makes me feel and what I think of those who do it. 

No survivor is looking for pity. That does no one any good and pity is worthless and far too easy. Aside: would you believe the amount of women who say 'ah, bless' when they see me in my wheelchair? That is pity and it is patronizing and it means fuck all. It dehumanizes me.

The reason it takes so many of us such a long time to gain enough courage to tell our story is precisely because of reactions like that. We fear being shamed and humiliated. The abuse made us feel like that and we don no want more of it.

My first attempts were met with 'you are too sensitive'. What do you think I felt? Yes, shame and humiliation. Another attempt was met with seeming understanding and I was invited to a prayer circle. I accepted, feeling that for the first time I was being listened to. That is until it began and they started to pray that I,(!ME!), be forgiven. Now what type of person is privileged to gain such trust only to throw it back in the face of the person trusting them?

I was taken by surprise today. I started to shake, my heart pounded. This despite the beta blockers and pain killers. One can safely assume by button was well and truly pushed!

Anyone who makes me feel shame, is out. I do not entertain having them in my life. I experienced the same shame, humiliation and anger with the person to whom I was kind and supportive yet they chose to interpret what I wrote as the opposite. I take responsibility for this though as I already knew what they were like but I had given them the benefit of the doubt only to be severely burned. (A situation another would have just brushed off I know but I am who I am.)

However, and this is what is important. I will never be silent. I will not acquiesce. There will always be victims of abuse who need to know my story and the stories of other survivors so that they know there is hope. So that they know that a semblance of peace is possible. That a good life can be lived regardless of how they feel in the moment. They need to know that happiness, joy, real friendship is possible. That love does not mean sex and violence. That love does not mean name calling, undermining ones confidence. Love does not have to be earned.

Most of all, they need to know that is not they who at fault. they need to know that they were abused (are being) because of who the abuser is and NOT  because of who they are.

My experience of writing about my life on this blog has been hugely positive. In ways I could never have foreseen. At first I remained anonymous and I was writing just as away of ordering my story for myself, of making some sense of it. I had no idea how it was going to affect others.

I very soon got comments and emails from other survivors. From professionals in the field child protection. I was astounded. I was also scared. I then realised that if I was telling my story and stating that shame does not belong with us, why was I hiding my identity. So I came out. Obviously I made sure to never identify anyone.

What we all need to know about recovery is this: there will never be a time when we will be as if the abuse the never happened. I used to think that I would come out of recovery wholly new, with the abuse and it's effects wiped away. Not so.

One learns to live well despite it. The severe PTSD symptoms do lessen. They do become further apart. But you will still have them. You will still have buttons that can be pushed, as happened to me today. There will be times when out of the blue, you will be plunged right back into that hell hole. Only now one can get out of it quickly and unaided, shake it off and carry on living a good and happy life.

Peace and joy do come but they don't stay. They come and go. But instead of plunging back into darkness when they go, one just lives well. One feels, one enjoys, and some of what we feel will not be nice and some of what we feel will be wonderful. Overall though we will be content. We will know who we are, where we have come from. We will know we are loved. we will love ourselves and we will not be at the mercy of the whims of others and their opinions about us. Only you really know what you feel.

No person who has not been through this torment has any idea at all what it is like. Remember that next time some ignorant soul judges you, they have not walked in your shoes. They understand nothing. There are those whose ability to empathise allows them to understand that we suffered/suffer and they treat us accordingly. They are safe people. Sadly, far to many do not have this gift.

I know that when one is in the depths of the shame and humiliation, the fear and the pain, it is nigh on impossible to see that the shame does not belong with one. The light seems very far away and it also seems that it must be us. After all, that person seems to be living a functional life. it is we who are not. it must be our fault. It is often just easier to blame ourselves than to accept that yes, other people can be so callous. It is not a safe feeling, yet we are strong enough to deal with it. No everyone is not coming from the same place. there those who will seek to harm you. There are those that do not seek to harm you but just do not care a joy. But there are those who not only will not harm you, they will love you and they will hold you and help you. You will become strong enough to accept them too.

The Earth Is Not Moving

The Earth Is Not Moving

The Earth Is Not Moving

The Earth Is Not Moving

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Today has been a good day. I swam and I have bathed Pussy. She has a lot of coat so it takes an hour or so to dry her. She is a very girl, no trouble at all but she is still stubborn! Just quietly! She more or less refuses to stand for grooming and no matter what she stubbornly sits. So the compromise is to have lay on her side. She objected at first but then just relaxed and was very good. She is not stupid no matter that she does rather appear that she is a sandwich short of a picnic.

I  the morning, Ernie the builder is coming to remove the brick tv/video thingame. So glad it is going but am dreading the dust. There is already so much dust everywhere form the previous building. John has done an excellent job of clearing most of it up but there is still dust over everything.

John's retirement is taking me a bit of getting used to. He now works Tuesday, Wednesday and on Thursday comes back home. It feels like a holiday weekend every week and is quite putting my week into disarray. I'd have preferred he worked monday-Wednesday as that would not cut up the week. Yes, I know I am weird and I am perhaps not too good at explaining just what i mean but Tuesday-Thursday just is out sync to me. Still, I am sure I will get used to it.

I bought two electric armchairs almost a year ago. John 's is so far unused. I am sure this is because he thinks of it as old mans chair! Well, once we start moving into the new room, the old chair is being dumped so he has no choice. More daft than that though is me! I have not been using the electrics. I just keep forgetting. Like I only just raised it to make typing this much easier! If I angle it higher it will be much easier to get in and out of too. I must remember to use it!

The new shower room is wonderful. Yet I keep forgetting it is there and have only showered in once. obviously, I still shower at the pool but now I can shower at home on the days I do not go. It's that i forget I can do.

As I type I am listening to Carly Simon's Moonlight Serenade. I think it is the best of her 'standards' albums. I am so glad we invested in a really good sound system. British made and designed Arcam separates. Rega speakers. The sound is astonishingly good. Put it this way, all the builders, the plumber, the electrician, the kitchen men, have all commented on my music and how clear it sounds.

We have yet to discover how this system will sound int he conservatory, it's new home. I think the weekend after the one coming is when we shall find out. I have been told that having so much glass is a plus as far as acoustics goes. I may have to buy a sub woofer and i have found a British hand made award winning maker of those. There is also a possibly that I will need one pair of floor standers to replace one pair of the small speakers.

Toodle pip. xo

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


It has been nine weeks since the house alterations have started and there is another 8-12 weeks to go. However, the decorating and downstairs flooring and furniture placement will all be done by July 5th, two days before our wedding. The rest will be done after our honeymoon. That most bothersome of that will be the stair carpets and the bedroom carpets. Then it is complete indoors. The rest of the work is outside. We won't be living as at present once the inside is complete and the 3 months till completion is not continuous work but rather waiting for work to be done which will only be a few days duration each.

I can't believe the synchronicity. Everything, and all the tradespeople, has just fallen into place. I chose all the right people initially and through them we found the other tradesmen to do the other stuff. 

We have been discussing how we seriously need cavity wall insulation and loft insulation too. Well, today a man knocked at the door and he managed to get 'insulation' out before I told him to get lost or words to that effect. Instead, much to his surprise I invited him in. Just what we need I told him. Guess what? It is all being at no cost to us! The government (taxpayers) pay for it because I am disabled. (Do bear in mind that John has paid huge sums in tax and NI!!! And never taken any benefits. Just pointing it out for those who like to bitch about SS. Disability COSTS money-in daily living and in the alterations made to this house.)

All in  all, things are going very well. I wish I could say the same about me. I have found this very stressful, the first signs of which was my body showing worsening symptoms-like the loss of balance, thus falling, several times a day, more pain, less sleep. Doc does not think this is a permanent progression given what has been going on. I have to say I was not prepared at all for the sheer awfulness of my safe place being so disrupted, people coming in and out all day, not being free to nap or just flop about. I just keep the finished picture in my mind. It will all be worth it in the end.

I have had to forgo dog shows much to my disappointment but I just physically cannot manage it. I am hoping to be at a show on July 1st as at least the downstairs flooring will be done so the dogs can stay clean after bathing. However, it is also smack bang in the middle of the decorating so maybe no shows until after the honeymoon.

I do try to keep posting here. I use Facebook too but i forget that not all my readers are there so of course it is naturally to wonder why this usually anything but quiet man is being so quiet! Now you know. I feel like I have lots to say on the more serious subjects too but just have not been with it enough to do so. 

I get emails from some readers, privately, sharing stuff they don't feel comfortable sharing on here. Please do not think you cannot still do that. Survivors always come first and I get much from your sharing.

Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012


It is raining heavily outside. the new wet weather run for the dogs is going take them a bit if getting used to. They are not too sure about it yet. Yes, some have peed and pooed but I don't think they all have. once we are ensconced in the new living room, with all the doors out of it shut, and only the outdoor available to them, they will be easier to keep an eye on and train. They will soon realise that outside that door is theirs, whether wet or not.

John goes to work tomorrow, home Thursday evening. I will go to pool tomorrow. I have loads of reading to do.

I am going to resist the urge to save the world tomorrow. As I could anyway!  I realised that just because I kept my gob shut for most of my life doesn't mean I have to open it every waking moment! People can save themselves. Yes, I know, arrogant of me. 

I just have got into my head that I MUST take every opportunity to let every other survivor out there know there is a way past the pain and I simply must listen and respond to everyone who wants to tell me their life story, of which there are legion. 

Even as I write this, I can hear a voice telling me not to say this because I might put someone off who is at the end of their rope. I am tired. I need a break. I need to bring my head back in. I have my own shit to deal with and this is stressing me out. 

It's taken quite a while for me to realise this is at the root of my disquiet these last few months. I am on the tip of being angry or sad most of the time and frustrated because I can't do anything but share and be here and of course being as I can't do anything else, aren't I meant to be using this time on my hands to help others? 

I had no idea I would be writing this. This just started to come to my fingers when I typed goodnight.I have got myself in a right tiz. I've let this tie me in knots and I've become rather stupid. I could die right now and the world won't stop. People will still find their way. Victims will survive. They will find a way just like I did. 

Oh Colin, you fool. What a twat you've been. I am so acutely aware of how fortunate I am that instead of enjoying this life I have fought extremely hard for, I have been giving myself over completely, almost, to fighting for others. No wonder I feel on edge and tired all of the time, especially when much of what I have been doing brings me into touch with people who want anything but peace-those who victimise. 

I don't want to be utterly self centred and have an all right Jack attitude but I also can't be this 'Colin to the rescue' fool either. I want to enjoy the life I have won for myself, not now throw it away out of a sense of duty because I have it so good now. Even I see this as quite frightful. I need a break. A serious 'leave me alone' break and even as I write that I can hear this voice telling me off and saying how I never can know how what I do might just save someone and if I am going to stop being here for others, then what? I really have been silly. Very. 

Plenty for me to ponder I think.

Monday, June 04, 2012

Our Town - Iris DeMent (H.Q.)

How can one not cry when hearing this? It breaks my heart.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Friday, June 01, 2012


Our mini suite in Coquelles, France. Just a mile from the Channel Tunnel.