Thursday, June 29, 2006

Moon's First Time

Moon(Tantra's Moonlight Serenade) attended her first show today. She loved showing off and behaved very well. She won a second place.

We have a major show with her this Sunday.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Aran Sleeve

I have completed the first sleeve of my self designed aran raglan. I am not sure what I think of it.
I have washed this because I knew it would flatten and couldn't be sure what I thought until it had been washed.I am still not sure! I am thinking maybe I could have used DMS for a background.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Angora Merino GC Tunic

This is knitted with 3 x 2/28's yarn. 75% Merino and 25% Angora. I used the Garter Carriage.
It is 'tunic' style, with a garter stitch border and neck. Raglan sleeves.

Small Nuclear Weapons

What is with packaging? Why does almost everything I buy come packaged?

Meat. Vegetables. CD's. DVD's. Razor blades. Shaving gel. Hair gel. Toilet Blue.

You name it, it all comes packaged. Not just packaged either but sealed tight. 'Open Here' they kindly write on the packet. What they do not supply is the small nuke one needs to get the f***ing open!!!

Even a dam packet of crisps(chips) are so tightly packaged that when you do manage to get them open, they fly all over the place.

Bottles that will not open without first going to the gym and finding a muscle bound man to do it for you. Without that, you could die of thirst.

And cd's/dvd's/ They are really awful. How the hell is one supposed to open them? You can never find the thing to pull, if they have one. Oh, yes, you are supposed to rub them against something. What? The mind boggles. It doesn't work anyway. So one has to use a knife or scissors. Dangerous unless you have fingers to spare or don't care if you damage the item you spent a small fortune on. Actaully I have found a single pronged tool from my knitting machine does the best job, after much digging around.

Then of course we must recycle. So we have three, yes three, HUGE bins lined up outside our house. The brown one is for garden waste and cardboard and vegetable waste. The blue one is for all the packaging the supermarkets insist we have along with our food. They really ought to be paying to recycle it.Then there is the green one which takes everything else, like dog do, and the stuff you don't know whether it goes in the blue or green bin.

Oh and the bins, on bin day, have to be moved 6 feet forwards, otherwise they will not get emptied. The poor binmen are all very weak souls. They couldn't possibly move the bin 6 feet and then place it on the mechanical arm which empties it. It doesn't matter if you are 101 or crippled, you must move your bin that six feet or else...

Now they get emptied fortnightly. So the bins reek. It really makes the neighbourhood seem more rural-like a pig pen.
And yet, our local taxes go up each year. Soon, I think they won't bother with emptying the bins. No, we shall be forced to trapse the couple miles to the tip and do it ourselves, whilst guards watch over us to make sure we put the right rubbish in the right hole. Woe betide anyone who doesn't get it in the right hole. A flogging for a first offence. Being tipped in the hole for the second. There won't be a third of course as one would have been buried alive in the hole.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


It really has got out of hand. I have so much yarn I'll never be able to knit it all.

It is so bad, that now even I think it is somewhat ridiculous.

I have stopped looking on the net at yarn. I have stopped going to my favourite yarn warehouse.I have stopped buying. Well....except for when we go away on holiday. Different country, different yarn. At least that is my reasoning. Visiting yarn places is better than sex-or it last longer anyway.

Even with my 15 machines, I have no hope of knitting all this yarn up. Not even if I knit a sweater a day for the next 20 years. That is 7,300 sweaters. I'd still have plenty left for maybe another few years or even another 20.

Now, I am knitting up more than I have been. I felt so daft when we discovered another two sacks of yarn under the stairs. I thought to myself, this really is toomuch yarn. I must knit it up as fast as I can so i can at least move around more easily upstairs. The bedroom that houses the yarn is full to bursting. I can't even get to most of it.

So......what to do other than knit as often as possible?

I had thought of maybe selling some of it. Or even giving some away to a worthy cause. Just writing that makes me feel ill. I'd find it easier to give my kidney away. Or maybe I could open a sweat shop and have 10 people knitting to my instructions 24/7? Okay, so maybe more like 100 people but then we are talking about a factory and I don't want to go there. Besides, they all have to be hand sewn. And I'd be so busy looking over everyone's shoulder that I'd have no time to knit myself whcih defeat the object. Plus, I think a week wouldn't pass before one or all of these people lynched me....

Now you needn't ask me what i doing. I am knitting. Knitting, knitting, knitting. What sort of life would it be without knitting? I'd be reduced to buying knitwear from Asda or TopShop or worse from some 'couture' boutique where the cost is mind boggling for the shoddy knitwear they sell. yes, shoddy. i wa sin a famous name boutique in Paris, a really well known designer, and it was all mass produced, badly put together crap.

Speaking of shoddy, did anyone notice the stripey sweater in Knitting this month? The girl sitting on the beach? HOW COULD THEY DO THAT!!!!! Those seams wandered more than the drunks at chucking out time. What is the point spending many hours and effort making something to then just cobble it together? Even worse than that, is how could a leading magazine photgraph the shoddy work for all to see? No wonder knitting has such a dowdy image.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Bamboo HK and Cashmere MK

I finally decided what to do with my Bamboo yarn I bought in Lille, France. This has not been the easiest yarn to use. First off, I tried it on my machine. No go. Not even the garter carriage liked it. It is rather tightly wound. I had great difficulties getting into knitting shape from the 'balls. the shop wound off for me. It is slippery and it would not wind on my electric winder. I used a Silver Reed handwinder to good effect.
I then decided on a rice stitch rib and knit 150 rows before deciding I hated it and frogged it. I then plumped for the knit/garter stich blocks above.
I am using Addi 3.25mm turbo's. Very easy to knit. Strangely, for a slippery yarn, it was not easy to knit on bamboo circs or rosewood. I am knitting in the round until I get to the armhole which will either be set in or raglan, yet to be decided!
It is draping beautifully.
This is a 2x2 row stripe. I used 80% cashmere 20% nylon in 2 x 26's on the SR 830. It is a drop shoulder ladies sweater. For the first time ever, I knit the sleeves from the top down. I knit the body first, then picked up the edges and knit the sleeve down from there. I knit the last row of ribbing at highest tension before transfering to MB and latching off. The cast off does not look as odd as I feared. In fact, most wouldn't be able to tell the difference(unless you are a MKnitter!)

I decreased 2sts at a time, fully fashioned on the sleeve.
I still use mattress stitch, though now I pick up one loop at a time instead of 2.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Journey

  1. No amount of recovery will make you as if the abuse did not happen.
  2. Your past will not change.
  3. You will not forget it.
  4. The effects of the abuse will not go away.
  5. The severity of the effects will lessen.
  6. The flashbacks will lessen in intensity.
  7. The flashbacks will be fewer with more time between.
  8. No one will cure you.
  9. A good therapist will help you live with your past and it's effects.
  10. Your baggage will not disappear.
  11. You will gain the strength to live with your baggage and live well.
  12. Your abuser(s) are not likely to apologise or even acknowledge the damage they did.
  13. You don't need them to in order to live well.
  14. You will have days when you still feel it is all your fault.
  15. You will have days when you think it didn't happen.
  16. You will have periods when you feel strong and whole and know the truth.
  17. You will have days when you feel the opposite.
  18. No amount of therapy or ionner work will make life pain free.
  19. Life is not pain free for anyone.
  20. You are mortal-you will die. Make the most of your days.
  21. No matter how awful your life has been, there are worse lives lived.
  22. Your abuser will never love you the way you deserved.
  23. You were abused because of the failings in the abuser.
  24. You were not abused because of your failings.
  25. The world is full of damaged people.
  26. Many of them become abusers, you do not have to.
  27. Vengeance will not relieve you.
  28. Knowledge will give you strength.
  29. Nothing you could have done would have prevented the abuse.
  30. Accepting your powerlessness will releive the guilt.
  31. Respect yourself.
  32. Live well and they have not won.
  33. Don't be a people pleaser.
  34. Be grateful daily for what you have-your friends, your roof, your food.
  35. You will always have something to be grateful for.
  36. Feel what you feel, don't judge it.
  37. Your feelings do not have to be acted upon.
  38. Rage can be expressed without causing harm to yourself or others.
  39. There are no shoulds!
  40. Don't excuse, justify or squash your feelings.
  41. Don't cast your pearls before swine.
  42. In other words be very choosy who you open up to.
  43. Be very careful who you share knowledge and wisdom with.
  44. People will use your candor against you.
  45. People will think badly of you no matter what.
  46. People will want to do you down.
  47. The more yourself you become, the more free and well, the more they will want to hurt you.
  48. What others think of you is of no concern.
  49. You must live according your own conscience, you cannot live according to someone elses.
  50. You are as worthy as the next person.

Monday, June 19, 2006

For Milla

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Oh Bother and Blast!

So last night, I was in bed early as had to be up at 6am for dog show. Had a terrible night with my hips, very painful to move. So i was up at 5.30am. took my pills, coffee and fag. Bathed Moon ready for her debut.

John packed up the car. Off we went. The show was easy to find.

I thought I would take Moon for a stroll to see if she wanted to pee or anything. Yes she did. On the way back to our spot, I noticed that she appeared to be limping. I checked all her feet and found nothing. I left her to rest an hour and took her for a walk again. Now her limp was more pronounced. So off I went to inform the steward that I was withdrawing my entry and we left to come home again!!

Yesterday, Finty had a go at her so I think this is why Moon is limping. We shall have to watch it for the next few weeks we are likely to have more arguing amongst the girls. It is PMT time. Tilly, Moon, Frauke and Luna are all due in season. I tell you bitches are a nightmare at this time. And now I have a horny boy too.....what fun we shall have!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Flying Leap

Last Saturday, I was drying Micah after his bath. In the blink of an eye, he took a flying leap off the grooming table. How, I do not know as I had my hands on him at the time. Well, he landed with a loud crack and he started to scream. I went to pick him up and he ran off. Well, at least his leg is not broken, I thought. I managed to get him and calm him down. I checked him all over and he seemed okay, if somewhat shocked. Later, he looked up at me and I saw his lip looked odd opened his mouth and his jaw was lopsided!!!

So off to the vet we went. His jaw was not dislocated nor was it broken. He was very badly swollen and the vet said it was this swelling that was causing his bottom jaw to move off to the side, thus twisting his jaw.

By yesterday, all was back to normal, as regards his jaw. As for Micah-well he ate his evening meal as normal on the day he did this and has been as right as rain since. Dogs are so stoic. Thus injury must have been very sore to say the least.

Tomorrow I attend a small dog show with Moon. After a year, I have finally figured out how to move the dog for showing purposes whilst using my sticks. One stick actually, but still it works now.

I had given up on the idea-a mixture of pride and the fact it is so damn awkward! The more I thought about it, the more I realised that I could not go in the ring without my stick. If I fell over, that would be embarrassing and I would then need help to get up again. More importantly, if I fell, I could fall onto my dog or another's dog. So it was a case of swallowing my pride, and learning to show and use the stick. Like riding a bike, it suddenly fell into place and I can co-ordinate well now.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


Tantra's Mouse -red shaded Miniature Longhaired Dachshund, 12 weeks today.
Tantra's Moonlight Serenade -cream sable Lhasa Apso, 6mths. Not stood well but it was the besti could do till Ihave help for another shoot!
Tantra's Luna Lovegood, brindle and white Lhasa Apso, 6mths.
Tantra's Micah - apricot Lhasa Apso, litter brother to Moon and half brother to Luna.
Tantra's Fruake, red sable Lhasa Apso, 11mths. Cousin to above puppies.


Gosh, I have learned so much by watching this series of BB.

For years my spiritual advisor has tried to explain to me what happens to people who bear no malice in their heart. I have never understood. She is not the only person to discuss this with me. Recently the subject has come up a few times. When that happens, you just know this is something you need to learn about!

Little did I know that watching Big Brother would teach me the lesson! To be blunt,I have always thought this show as dreadful and only for morons. A modern equivalent of the roman coloseums and the feeding of people to lions etc. Sick.

However, perhaps I shall have to review that opinion.

Anyway, I have seen first hand what vile people do to nice people. They malign them, bully them, falsely accuse them, and in fact accuse of them of the very faults the accuser displays so obviously. The person who does not share these flaws of character, gets victimised and traumatised and is left confused and hurt. They are then torn asunder with doubt and wonder if they deserved this abuse, were they really false and justly accused? OF COURSE NOT!!!

The people who do this to such people do so because the person without malice brings into the light and focus their own shame. They know, unconsciously it seems, that they really are not very nice people and so they attack the one who inadvertently reveals their flaws to themselves. Instead of looking to themselves, they attack the good they see.

I must admit I don't quite understand the need to destroy good. We are not talking about Devil Worshippers here ! Just ordinary folk doing evil things.

I do get that the people who do this are filled with self loathing, fear, and lack esteem and insight. They don't even know why the good person makes them feel so uncomfortable. They don't get that they are feeling shame about themselves. They just know that this good person 'hurts their eyes' so they lash out. They reduce the good person down to their level, in their eyes, in order to make themselves feel better.

The saddest think of all is that it is not confined to the BB house! Those are baying for blood, in the public, are baying for the good person blood because they are 'too nice' 'too good' and therefore must be fake!!!

Sometimes I wish I had access to that red button! It often seems impossible that good will ever succeed. It reminds me of a Joni Mitchell song where she is really ticked off at God and asks ' why do you let the wicked prosper? Their young frolic like dear whilst the good suffer terribly?' not an exact quote but the gist is there.

Of course it is so easy to let this thinking get to you but one has to stop and think. Do you continue to put your trust and life in the good or do you join the other side? There is no half way.

When one sees how fundamentalists seem to prosper, it is easy to be fooled. Do not be deceived!

And no I am not talking just about Islam here, but all fundamentalists and most especially those filling the White House. It is no accident that the one country that seems to have the most hatred for Islam and the Middle East is the one that is so like those they hate. Our own PM is among them(the fundies).

What is worse, we are all standing by and letting it happen. We are sleepwalking our way to Hell. (meaning here on earth not some mythical after life place).

Of course their are fundamentalists of all persuasions, not just Xtian and Islam, Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, Jews, the list is endless and includes atheists!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Big Bang

Oh dear, knitting machines can be a pain in the neck. I had no end of trouble with my Passap E6000. Kept giving me Error 200. I cleaned the rail, made sure no fluff was on the eye. No good. I changed consoles, tried three of them. Still got the error. I tried 3 different locks. I even tried two different curly cords. Nothing stopped Error 200.

Just as I was contemplating chucking the whole thing out of the window, I looked at the colour changer very closely. Right there, at the very far right of the rail was a small piece of black gunk. It was stuck in one of the holes, 3rd from last on the rail. I cleaned it out. Now my machine was working again. I then knit my first Passap sweater for ages.

FB -OX, BB -N. Tension 3.5 both beds. Black yarn 100%Merino, Grey yarn merino/Acrylic 50/50, latte yarn cashmere/acrylic 50/50. These settings were used for main body.
Neck band knitted on Brother 940 and attached on machine. Not so keen on this and will go back to back sewing thru open loops on front.
Hem setting: Used tech 118 . This requires pushers on both beds 1up 1 down, LX/BX. Tension 3.25 on both beds.
Early morning ruff and tumble!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

We Are What We Think

As we think so are our lives. Not quite what we get taught is it?

Our lives are the direct result of how we think. It isn't the result of how other people think. Our beliefs dictate how our life will be. Our beliefs will dictate our behaviour. Our behaviour will have a direct bearing on our lives. What we give out we get back.

All the positive beliefs we hold will express themselves in our lives and our feelings. Likewise for all the negative beliefs we hold.

So many of us continue to lead unhappy lives because we hold dearly to our belief systems. We refuse to see differently. And we complain when our lives don't improve. We blame others for our lot. This gets us no where except to the place we already are and are trying to leave!

Bad things happen all the time to people. Loss.Disease.Pain. We can't avoid them. It is part of being human. How we react to these things is what counts.

What we believe about what happens is what makes the difference.
We cannot 'think' away disease, as some people are prone to think. The converse of that is blaming ourselves for being sick and for failing to cure ourselves. I have known people die of cancer believing they were not good enough because they had been led to believe that they could cure themselves if only they thought the right thoughts, meditated rightly, ate rightly etc. Very sad.

What we can do is make our experience different and less painful by changing our attitude and belief system.

There is no such thing as sacrifice.

Everything we do directly affects us. If we 'give up' something of value to us in order to gain benefit, where is the sacrifice?

An example comes to mind.

People regularly talk of sacrificing careers in order to stay at home and bring up children. First it is a choice one makes. Secondly, both children and carer benefit beyond measure. The idea that one 'suffers' in order to bring up children is ridiculous.

Having children is a choice. Choosing to not have a career but raise them is not suffering or sacrifice. Fancy giving children this idea! That their carers have suffered in order to give them a good life.
What a lie!

Everything we do or think or have has a down side as well as an upside. I keep dogs. The upside of that is they give me much joy. They force me to get out of bed on days when the physical pain is really bad. They force me to think of the welfare of something else. The down side is that I have to pick up dog doo, bath and groom and spend money at the vets! It also means I cannot have the home I would have without the dogs-spotless, expensive furniture etc. But I did not 'sacrifice' these things in order to keep dogs. It was my choice and by my choice, I gained. for many years we could not go away because of the dogs. We accepted that. We didn't see it as 'sacrifice' but choice. Now we have a found a good and trustworthy dog sitter and we can go away.

So don't be fooled by those who cry 'look what I gave up for you'. They are mistaken. Don't you be mistaken too!

We are not here to please anyone. We are not here to be what others want us to be. We are not here to please our parents, our neighbours, our siblings, our teachers, our churches. We are here to grow and be ourselves. Becoming ourselves is lifelong battle and the hardest thing anyone has to do. Why? Because everyone else will do all they can to prevent you being you!

Don't let them!

Change The World

I listened to a discussion on a news program regarding the spate of knife crimes recently. All they spoke about was show to punish these people who carry knives-mainly young boys. They talked about how these boys thought they earned respect from carrying knives.

Not one of these so called experts mentioned anything about building self esteem in people. I truly believe that most of the world's ills boil down to the way we misuse children, how we rear children in fear and self loathing.

We seem to have the attitude that children are born evil and that if they are not properly trained, they will run amok, becoming serial killers. How very sad.

If children are not born feeling whole and good, then they are least born 'neutral'. We soon shatter them. We soon make sure they do not feel whole.

Either we do it through outright abuse or we do it subtly-the way it was done to most of us. We do it thru teaching them about a God to be feared-a God that punishes those that are not obedient and grateful. We do it by teaching them that they are no good unless they conform. We do it by teaching them they must control themselves at all times. We do it by threatening a withdrawal of love and affection. We do it by threatening abandonment.

Even the most seemingly loving parents who do not hit their children or molest them, still fuck them up. Why? Generally because it was done to them and they have not recognized that or they have buried it deep so as not to see it.

The world is full of good people. Loving, compassionate, brave people. Yet they are also ignorant.

They bring up children who hate themselves. Trouble is when it comes to children, no one likes to be told. In order for us to not do to children what was done to us, we have to face what was done to us and most of us don't want to do that. We can't bear the pain of knowing that what we thought was a loving safe environment was not. That what we thought was freely given to us, came with a heavy price-the loss of self. And most of all we cannot bear the fact that those who raised us harmed us.

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. However, we are responsible for the choices we make and in order for us to make choices we need to know what those choices are. So we need to educate ourselves. Our free will can only be fully exercised through knowledge of the choices.

We cannot live life according to other people's idea's or conscience. We can only live according to our own.

We all create meaning out of our experiences. All of us. And we all create differently. We all have different ideas. No one sees the world in the same way as the next person. We all live in different worlds-worlds we create ourselves. We all have different experiences and thus create different meanings. Mostly, life becomes better merely because we created different meanings, chose different ideas and different interpretations.

My own experience has been that my life has changed drastically for the better because I changed the way I thought. I changed my ideas. I discovered other ways of looking at my life and my past. I discovered that I was not the way I was because of what was done to me physically, sexually and emotionally but more because of what was done to me mentally-the choices I was given. I was taught a very narrow way of looking at myself and the world I lived in. I found there were other ways of looking at the world and my experience. I also discovered that my ideas and perceptions were as valid as the next person's.

NO ONE , absolutely no one, knows what the TRUTH is about anything. We only have ideas. We create meaning. We do not access ABSOLUTE TRUTH. Those who say they do are not just fooling themselves, but fooling others and corrupting them. A closed mind cannot be changed, a mistake not recognized cannot be corrected.

Children are programmed in such a way that they believe their parents or guardians. So however well or sick the parents are, the child follows suit. They only have the ideas of those rearing it to hold onto. IF physical and sexual and emotional abuse is thrown into the mix, in most cases, the child blames themselves and sees this abuse as proof that they are bad people. They do not see that the abuser is the bad person. Why? It is too threatening. Children are completely dependent upon the adults in their lives so they cannot view these adults as bad and dangerous because that would leave the child feeling more afraid and powerless. Instead, they gain power by blaming themselves. If I was good, they would love me, they wouldn't hit me, they wouldn't ....the list is endless. So by believing this, the child has power. They believe they can control their carer by controlling their own behaviour(just like battered partner syndrome).

The only way out of this mess is a fearless look at oneself. And a courageous decision to go about changing the world in which one lives.

Changing the world we live in is something within reach of each of all us. It doesn't involve other people. It doesn't involve changing others. It only requires one thing-that you change yourself. YOU are the only person you have to worry about. And no, this is not a selfish aim-thru freeing yourself, your compassion and love and understanding for others grows. In fact, it is a necessary part of your own growth. Your growth will stop if you don't share it with others.

It is that simple-if you want to change the world you live in then get working on changing yourself and your wish will be granted.

Personal responsibility is the key to freedom. Use it.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Reims Cathedral


Archway in Innsbrook.

Alp view en route to Innsbrook from Munich.
Innsbrook is surrounded by the Alps.
Another Alp!


They eat a lot of pork in Munich.
Part of the town hall.
Statue in garden of the museum.
I am not as miserable as I look!
Different statue, same garden, same museum.
Another grand building in Muncih. In here was the museum.
Another view of the town hall.

More Munich