Friday, July 31, 2009

Morons From Earth

We went to see Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince yesterday at the cinema. Not something I do very often and probably won't again.

The reason for going is the enjoyment of the film on the large screen with surround sound. However, my physical problems make it a miserable experience. I took painkillers but that doesn't cover it 100% and I still have to move constantly and I feel self concious about that. Apart form feeling self conscious, it just bloody hurts to move and I have to move because I am hurting! At the end of the film I couldn't even get up on my own and it as areal struggle even with John helping me to my feet. As you can probably understand form my words, cinema going is now off the menu.

I could manage it and keep still if I took a morphine and a 5mg valium. That does it for me at home on the infrequent occasions I need it. Then I can lean back in the recliner and watch a film, usually a subtitled one. However, our nearest cinema is 24 miles away and I don't think it would be wise for me to drive there or back under the influence.

It would have been more comfortable to have used Daniel and sat in him for the duration of this film. Except for one thing. The special place for wheelchairs is 4 rows from the screen. That would just have made matters worse for me, especially in the neck. I guess they think that those of us who use wheelchairs are too addled to care and probably just sit there drooling and groaning and so it doesn't matter we can't see the f*cking screen too well.

Whitney has received many cards and I am surprised at some of the senders. Pleasantly surprised. I have also been disappointment to see where the jealousy comes from. It really is sad that others feels this way.

I have felt envious, but not jealous I think. Meaning I have wanted what I have seen others gaining and have done what I could to get it for myself if it was feasible. However, I have not wanted to take what belongs to others nor devalue them or their success. Speaking purely about dog showing, most success is deserved. A small part of the success is not deserved and we all learn to accept that because we can't do anything about it. We can choose not to enter under judges we know to favour friends. We can also choose NOT to play that game. Not all of us make the wise choice.

I know that Whitney has won on her own merit, not because I am judging a world famous show soon, not because I am friends with the judge, not because I am judging the next show, not because of anything. I cannot scratch anyone's back so Whitney wins because of her merit. End of story. I am happy for that.

I was supposed to be doing a show on Sunday and then on Wednesday and then on Saturday. However, an error was made somewhere and the show e thought was Wednesday is in fact Tuesday, and as it is 250 miles from home, it becomes infeasible to do the Sunday show and the Tuesday show. So I am going to the Tuesday show and then the Saturday show.

Edna has settled in very well though she is not as accommodating as she was when she first arrived. True to her breed, she is a stubborn little madam. She is arguing about when and where she will eat. She will not win and has not figured that little piece of information out yet. She will. In time.

I bought a waistcoat off an Ebay seller. 10 days later they told me they did not have it in stock. I was most displeased. I found another seller and I wrote to them asking if they had it in stock. They assured me they did. They took a week to tell me they did not and a further week to refund me. At the beginning of this week, I wrote to another seller who not only assured me they had it, they also had it in my size. They did not. They refunded me today. What the f**k is it with these idiots? Why are they listing an item that is not in stock, for one, and for two, why the hell are they lying about it? They know they will get caught out. MORONS.

Oh and speaking of morons-Haagen Dazs (or is it Hagen Daazs, doesn't look right) wrote and told me they did not do coffee flaour cos there was no call for it, despite the flavour being widely available on the mainland (ie. in the rest of EU). Okay, so how come Tesco and Waitrose both do their own coffee icecream? Waitrose indeed do two different ones. For a supermarket to sell their OWN LABEL there must be some call for it. No?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009



If you click on the link above, it will take you to the official winners page at Highams Press.
EDIT: The reason for the grin is because the Suffolk Tarts were standing behind the photographer making me laugh.

Meet Aunt Edna

This is DIMARA AUNT EDNA, the new arrival at Tantra. Thanks to John and Mandy (Dimara). Her dad is Dimara Gorgeous George (2cc's) and her mum is Ch Dimara Misstical. She is 10 weeks on August 1st.
We drove up to collect her yesterday. She has been as good as gold and has not been at all phased by the crew already in residence. Despite what you see, Edna will be a silver grey eventually. It might take 2 years, it might take 6 but she will go grey.

On Sunday we went into Peterborough to the shopping mall. I have been wanting a very light coloured jacket, white or cream, for ages but had no luck in finding one at all. Now you may think this is daft, as I do, but I have before said to my dead Mum, 'look I want such and such' and I find myself directed to just where I need to be. I first tried it as a joke in a small town in Austria. I said to John, I am going to ask my mother to find a yarn shop for me. Well, I looked around, and I said to John, up here. We went and then I said, now right. And guess what? There it was. The yarn shop.

Anyway, I tried the same thing out on Sunday because we were both fed up looking. I spun around in my chair, moved out of the shop we were in and and 2 shops down, I went in and asked if they had a white or off white jacket. The assistant handed me the last Ivory Tuxedo they had, in my size and on sale.(My mum only ever bought on sale.) I bought it. I had not thought of a Tuxedo. It really shows off my waistcoats well. Oh, and she called it a dinner Jacket not a Tuxedo as we don't use that word here really. 'But Mum, I said, I still need a light jacket that isn't quite so formal.' We went and had coffee at Cafe Nero (really good coffee). When done, i said to John 'lets go up here'. Outside not in the mall. I saw the only shop open-a menswear store. And yes, you guessed it-a very light oatmeal coloured suit, on sale and in my size. Just what I wanted. I said to the guy i wanted it but not to bother with the trousers. At that he promptly knocked another 30 pounds off the price!

I also bought two Panama's and 2 Trilby's. On sale of course. John bought half a dozen shirts for work.

I will photograph them when the weather improves though we have just been told by the Weather Men of the BBC that we can expect this wet cold and stormy weather well into August......

I have had bad pain today so I popped a morphine about an hour ago and I feel better. weird really. I started off just feeling very tired and weak, not really that much pain but it grew on me as the day went on until my legs and hips were playing a tune up and down my legs. Stopped now. As have my hands. The morphine is the only drug that seems to stop my hands hurting. I still don't take it that much.

Oh, today I tried on lavender jeans, lavender, pink, silver waistcoat, lavender cravat, winged collar white shirt, the Tuxedo and a Panama with a lavender-ish band along with Kickers in three shades-purple, lavender, pink. That's me sorted for Paignton Championship Show. (The Tux has a zip up cover which it will stay in until I arrive at the show at unpack the car.)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Great News - Not So Great news


Whitney is now CHAMPION POLIELIN'S WHITNEY WITH TANTRA J.W. She gained her crown at Leeds on Friday. She also took Best of Breed and went on to Utility Group 3. 101 Lhasa Apso entered. Whitney gained her title with the required 3 cc's, each with Best Of Breed. She is just 20 months old. Whitney has done remarkably well for a black Apso and for one so young. The 1 G3 and 2 G4 placings are even more impressive for her.

I am so grateful that my friend Linda allowed me to have my choice of puppy. I was apprehensive in choosing a black. I am glad I went with my gut.

EDIT: I don't care what colour the Apso comes in. I just care if they are healthy and fit the standard. Unfortunately, many people think golden is the only colour that looks glamorous and the only colour they like. I don't call these people serious breeders of Lhasa Apso but exhibitors of show dogs. There is a big difference between the two. The latter are the reason why a breed changes from what it ought to be into an exaggerated show machine. Of course there are judges who look for 'show dog' too, rather than a good Lhasa Apso. So yes, doing so well with a black Apso is remarkable. She is not the only one though. A few years back another black bitch, Ch Deelayne Indulgence, did very very well, gaining many top wins.


We are not going away. The weather is atrocious. It is blowing a storm as I write and more and worse is forecast. Edinburgh wet and cold would not be fun so we cancelled.
This summer, I am surprised to writing, is as bad as last year's.

Today, instead of delivering dogs to their holiday home, we went to a shopping mall instead. I found what I wanted and will post pics later.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

LEEDS 2009

Tomorrow is Leeds Championship Show. I am more or less ready for it. We are expecting rain. Again.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


This is another picture of me and Whitney taken at the show. Gordon leaver took the picture using his camera. He also took the previous picture but with my camera.

It has been an odd week. I have been very short tempered and feeling a little low. Maybe the crap weather? Hot, humid, windy, cold and wet and dull. Yes, it is that each day!

I discovered today that dressing up cheers me up. I was trying on various combinations for Friday's show and soon realised how much better I felt, especially once I had settled on the combination.

Yesterday I watched Amazing Grace. I was incredibly moved by it and once again was wet faced without warning. Life was truly awful back then, 200 years ago. For Mr Wilberforce and the others to do what they did took tremendous courage. I have always liked this hymn and had no idea of it's origin until seeing this film.

Today, I watched Michael Clayton. I almost gave up on it but then it seemed to click in my head what it was about and I stayed with it. Great performances but I think it could have been better served if the story had been told in a more straightforward instead of the poncy artsy way it was.

We are supposed do be visitng edinburgh next week but not if the weather does not improve. Antyhing but wet will do. Wet and we won't be going. No point. I hope it does work out as we are both wanting to go.

For the back to back shows during the last weekend in august, I am staying with Whitney at a farm bed and breakfast. The Scottish Kennel Club show is on the Saturday and the Scottish Lhasa Apso Club on the Sunday. John will stay here to dog sit.

August is a ridiculously busy month for shows, with six championship shows within the month, 3 in one week with just two days between each of them, Sun, Wed, and Saturday. If it kills me, I'll let you know somehow.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Judy has telephoned to say she loved her card (above) and also the lace socks. She seems really impressed by the socks and she has never owned or seen hand made socks. Now she would like a pair of those see thru wellies but I have no idea where they can be bought. Anyone?

I have also had an email from a friend who emigrated to Nepal to live in a house on top of a mountain. She is no spring chicken, about 60 I think, and really quite one of the bravest people I know. She has taken her Lhasa Apso, 3 of them, with her. This is her house:And this is where it is:Aren't you impressed? I am. It makes me throat constrict for reasons I am not sure of. I know that since childhood I have had a thing about this area of the world and have a strange connection with my dogs which are form this part of the world. When I first set eyes upon the Lhasa Apso, a shaggy dog in a photograph, I knew I had to have them. I was 12 and at 50 I still passionate about them. I shall never see (I almost wrote 'my homeland') Tibet, Nepal or the Himalayas in this life.

My swim went well. I am about to go to bed now. I have watched a film with Naomi Watts and Edward Norton called The Painted Veil which is a Somerset Maugham story. I had started to watch Amazing Grace but am too tired. I had no idea this favourite hymn was written by a reformed slave trader about his seeing how wrong his trade was.

Monday, July 20, 2009


Edit: I was asked how I manage to run with the dogs when I am showing them. Answer: I don't run! The Lhasa Apso is not a running dog. It moves with economy as befitting it's natural very high altitude habitat. Some idiots do run when they show them, but they don't understand the breed and are trying,usually, to hide a fault.

At yesterday's Lhasa Apso Club Open Show where Whitney went reserve Best Bitch. Whitney is a funny dog. Quite vain. When she did her lap of hounour and the people were clapping, she was ahead of me, head up, nose in the air, looking at the people clapping and really strutting her stuff. She knew precisely what the clapping was for. Dogs are much more aware than we tend to think they are.

I am wearing the jacket from Salzburg, Austria, the neck ornament from Vienna, the hat from Budapest, the waistcoat from Munich, The Kicker's from France, the trousers from Marks and Spencer (online).

This is Tantra's Carly at her first show. She was 4th. I have not booked her into any other shows just yet. She is rather raw but this photograph shows she has a really nice shape. She loved the day out and enjoyed herself tremendously. She is a right wiggle bum and even jumped up to lick the judges face.

Today has been a particularly bad pain day. No idea why. Just is. I took a morphine and am feeling much better, though surprisingly even the morphine doesn't kill the pain dead. It's still there, just less obvious.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


These are the lace socks I knitted for my friend Judy, who is 65 0n Wednesday. I have known Judy the longest I have known anyone, since 1979.
The socks are made from a Regia yarn. I used 2mm Knit Pro needles(knit Picks), circular, each on their own needle, knitted simultaneously. I used the EZ sewn cast off as usual. They are knitted toe up using my own Andersson method and MACH II heel.
The lace pattern I initially got from the net, somewhere, but by the time I had faffed and fiddled and fitted it to my stitch count morphed into my own. These are by far the most difficult item I have knitted, ever. I frogged many times. I kept making errors. I kept ending up with less stitches or more stitches, usually less, because I forgot the yo's. I am pleased with them now though.

I am now fairly confident that a shawl is out of the question. I also think that pain/drugs is why I just couldn't get this to flow. Maybe it's just that I am 50! Though that last one seems unlikely. I know my memory is crap. Yet I can still knit to aran patterns and sock patterns other than lace, just from my head. I can pick up knitting I left weeks ago and still know where I am and how to proceed. Yet this pigging lace almost defeated me.

I am glad lace shocks don't suit me or John!

(Oh and I took one of the photgraphs with the scanner because although I used my foot for the model, the socks are too small for me.)

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I had a doctors appointment this morning. As is my wont, I sat in the waiting room knitting my sock.
The last time I did this, a small group of more mature people, women mainly, started to talk with me about what I was doing. They were uniformly impressed.

This morning two young women sat opposite me and they started to talk about what I was doing. They could be clearly heard but obviously thought I was of an age that I would surely be deaf so they didn't moderate either their volume or their words. They discussed what I could possibly be knitting. Giggly. Neither guessed it was a sock. They decided in the end that I was knitting a Willy Warmer.

I said nothing until I was called for my appointment. At that time, I looked at the two young women and said;

'If you think that is a Willy Warmer, you are going to be very disappointed in life, but I do thank you for the compliment.'

I then hobbled off to see the Doc.

Monday, July 13, 2009


I was watching Without Trace and the story turned out to be about a 12 yr old boy who goes off to hang himself after being bullied at school. He is saved by the FBI and his parents. The difference between that boy and me is that he had allies - his parents, they didn't bully him too. I had none. It still shocks me that I can so swiftly be transported back 40 years and wet my face gets in second, before I even have time to register what is going on inside me.

I hated that boy for so long. Now I just wish someone had been there to hold him and tell him he wasn't shit , as I was nicknamed.

It really is astonishing I am who I am today and have the good life I have. I haven't just survived, I LIVE.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Oh DEAR.....

On Friday I felt particularly good. I'd had a crap week and Luque and Nechung had gone without a bath. I needed to bath Whitney for the show. So I did all three of them plus Bridget.

By bed time, my right hand and right ribs and shoulder were all hurting and when I awoke my right hand was almost unusable. I can't open bottles with it nor grip. It is still the same this Sunday morning.

Okay, so I learned, yet again, that just because I am having a good day does not mean I am miraculously cured. It also does not mean I don't have to take care and pace myself.

Most importantly, I have learned that two dogs is the most I could possibly show because of the preparation. I can't believe how much my hand hurts nor how little I can use it right now.

At the show I also met Marion from Holland whom I first met at the World Show in Dortmund in 03.It like Marion and it was good to see her again.

There is a clique of people who live near me. They don't talk to me, have not had anything to say about Whitney's success despite me congratulating them when they have had success. So what? What does get my goat is that when John is with me, they speak to him like a friend!!! F'ng hypocrites.

I had a very difficult phone call last night from a friend. I had been aware that there had been a distance between us. Since I have changed at core, I knew this was not my fault. I didn't know what it is was about. It had crossed my mind it might be because of Whitney's success but that didn't feel right. I found out last night.

Other people have become friendly toward me and amongst those people are people who have hurt my friend deeply. My friend thought they would try and get me away from her and ruin our friendship. It took a while of heated discussion before she cried and told me the truth about how she was feeling. I had already figured it out and my heart went out to her. I knew EXACTLY how she was feeling. I have been there. I knew how insecure she felt. I assured her that I was her friend and only she could change that, that others could not. I assured her truthfully, that nothing had ever been said to me about her, that these other people were not that close and we just passed the time of day. I am not sure my friend took all this in. The conversation went on for ages with her getting more and more upset and I was trying hard not to be offended. I told her that I am not the person she fears I am, that I have integrity and she had to choose to trust me or not. The choice was hers. I then told her good bye as I didn't see any benefit in talking around in circles. Oh, and I also made it clear that NO ONE tells me who to be friends with and who not to be, including her. Anyway, I would prefer very much that we remain friends and I hope that is what she chooses because if she doesn't she has let these people hurt her again but this time at her behest.

Honestly, we never grow up really do we? The same feelings we have as children are still there as adults.

I have had to open yet another non payment case on Ebay. A person bid and won on 4 of my items and has not paid and has not contacted me or responded to my contact. I have no other way of selling so I have to stick with this, I do not want to just dump my stash. Fortunately most buyers and bidders are decent people some are not and some are a PITA. I am also really ticked off with those who do not bother to leave feedback or even let me know that their yarn arrived.

Another benefit of my blog-writing down the stuff that bothers me gets it out of my system.

I really want to be taking pain killers this morning but I can't. I took long acting ones last night and the 12 hours are not up yet. Really, I think these slow release pills are crap.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


I enjoyed myself at East Of England today. Met with people I like. John was with me as this is local to us and it is Saturday. This enabled me to hire a mobility chair and thus see the stalls and get around a lot easier. I normally just stay sitting in my chair until time for me to go in the ring.

It didn't start off too well. I was waiting for the disabled loo to become free only to discover once the man using it vacated that it was also the shower for the caravanners and thus the floor was completely wet. Dangerous. There was no way I was stepping in, my sticks would have slipped and I could have broken something. I hate to think what could have happened to an older more infirm person. I went to the showground manager to let him know, politely, how dangerous this was. (I did not say 'which moron thought this was a good idea?')

His first words were 'in the ten years I have been showground manager you are the first person who has complained.'

I kept my cool. I know that when I am answered with that, that the person I am talking with doesn't give a toss.

He went on to tell that there were other toilets I could use-hundreds of yards away. I then discovered these doubled as baby changing units. Another idiotic arrangement.

I told him that the disabled facilities were completely unacceptable and he responded that he had a difference of opinion and that no one else thought they were bad. I told him that as he was able bodied, he would find it difficult to understand and besides it was the opinion of my self and other users of facilities supposedly for the disabled that counted.

He was an arrogant a'hole and I left him to it and went and hired the mobility chair(at £20!!!)

The trouble. We Brits have been brought up to accept our lot and not complain and people like me who do are classed as troublemakers or demented.

You know, it is supposed to be here as it is in the USA as regards facilities and access for the disabled. No way! The reason I spend as little time as possible in my London flat is because I am housebound when there! There is nowhere for my car, even if it were safe to park it. I cannot get to public transport and if I could I couldn't use it. I cannot drive into Central London because I could not park. Unlike other EU countries, they restrict even BLUE BADGE holders and charge us exorbitantly. So my capital city is out of bounds to me and the politicos certainly don't care, nor do the general public. If they did, the situation would be different.

Anyway, back to the dog show. Whitney wasn't best bitch but Jill and David did and I was pleased for them. It was Jill's first and at least she reacted with a big grin (unlike me who swore and then shut down when Whitney got her first!) Gordon and Angie's boy was Best Puppy and Lee and John's First Edition was Best Boy and Best of Breed. (BTW I use Best Bitch and Best Boy because I am aware readers here are not dog show people on the whole. We actually call them the Bitch Challenge Certificate and the Dog Challenge Certificate or CC's. The reserve we call an Reserve CC.)

The rain stayed off until Judging was completed.

I have much more to say but was interrupted by a phone call and it is now too late. I'll complete my thoughts tomorrow.

Friday, July 10, 2009


The trousers are not as deep as this, they are peach. I dyed them myself. This is for East of England Championship Show tomorrow. I fyou click on the oicture you get a bigge rone. The colours of the trousers, the shoes, and the bow tie are all refelcted in the stripes of the jacket and in the waistcoat.

Thursday, July 09, 2009


I don't know, sometimes life is just too damn hard. I seem to have run out of (click) spoons completely. I started off the week feeling crap and have just felt worse and worse until today I feel so low I have no energy and think life is too much to handle. It takes so much effort and I wish I could just quit. I'd like to vegetate and do f*ck all. I can't. I can't stay still because if I do so, I seize and the pain is worse. Pain usually stops me keeping still anyway. I am so tired. Last night was bad pain wise and for some reason I was back and forth to the loo with the poos, just water eventually. Now today, although I did post off the Ebay stuff, I am just about keeping my head above water. I have a show Saturday and I really don't feel like going. I want to sleep. The only way I can completely switch off is morphine and a muscle relaxant but I can't do that unless I am in severe pain and I am not, just that nagging dull pain that is always there. I do get pissed off sometimes and can't always be chipper about life. I also sometimes think life would be so much better without most people. I might be one of them.

Edit: a few hours later, I do feel better mentally. I helped that a friend wrote to say they were feeling the same: 'dark inside'. Trouble with me is that I automatically feel ashamed when I don't feel happy. Feeling sad or depressed or just crap is not allowed. Oh, I know it is allowed, and is normal, but still I react with shame and that of course makes me feel worse.
One thing I am proud of though is how I handle this now. I get on and do things-like listing on Ebay, washing up, knitting etc instead of harming myself which is what I always used to do. BLIMEY! I even have a drawer full of drugs I could make myself feel better with, but I haven't. I really am different. I don't mean I am sitting here in physical pain and refusing to take the meds, I mean I have not used the meds, as I could with the right mix, to make me fell 'happy'. They are not for that. I feel proud of that too. Oh and nor have I attacked a litre of Haagen Daz. What on earth happend to me?

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Good Week

I have been wanting these kickers for a long time but they are 1. rare and 2. expensive. I got these on Ebay for £20!!!!! The seller said they were used but you can't tell. Perhaps they are a crip like me which would account for the soles having no wear.
The Kickers are rare and expensive too. I saw them on Ebay before and they went for more than I was willing to pay. These were on for 29.99 and I bid as there was only 29 minutes left. I won them for that!!!!
I have been dyeing again. I have bought several pairs of white denims cheap on Ebay. I have dyed one pair lavender and the other turquoise. The other two pairs will either be scarlet or royal blue or green or peach. I am at present using an orange dye on dark beige jeans. No idea what colour they will be but it has to be better than the baby shit colour they are now.

I also won a Seidl linen jacket for £12.95!!! It really has been my week. Seidl is Gwerman and this is a traditonal cream linen jacket. It arrived today and is beautiful.

Today has been a rest day. No swimming. Just pc and dvd's and knitting. The lace socks have proved a real challenge. I have had to frog half a dozen times so far. I think I have the hang to it now. I kept forgetting the yo's. The pattern has ended up being my own because I had to alter the original so much in order to fit my stitch count. Still, it has given a prettty good insight into how lace is structured, so next time, if there is one, I can make it up from scratch.

The dvd's I am watching are the first 4 seasons of House and also of Without A Trace. And all eight seasons of CSI (Las Vegas).

I have discovered that damp sets me off hurting. Yes, I know, I should have known that ages ago but it isn't easy to figure these things out. The weather here has turned cool and wet and the pain in my body, especially my hands has increased.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009



Twenty eight years ago today, John and I met. It was also a Tuesday. We have not been apart since. It was one of those 'our eyes met across a crowded room' things, a real case of love at first sight. It must have been because twenty eight years later, we are still in love.


To be passed by the Kennel Club to award the highest award available, the Challenge Certificate, is an honour. In so doing , one is being given the responsibility of choosing the dogs that are the closest fit to the Breed Standard and therefore also choosing those dogs one believes to be the best specimens to be used to produce the next generation.

To judge to any other criteria is an insult to oneself, those who have entered and most importantly to the breed. For a judge to give the high awards to friends, to lame dogs, and to judge according to the owner, shows a lack of respect for themselves, for the exhibitors and worst of all, for the breed.

They ought not to be judging. Their placings are worthless and those who won the highest awards are left knowing their dog did not win on merit.


I feel like I have run out of spoons already. I don't feel so hot today. I didn't the latter half of yesterday either. Sort of like I am coming down with something. I have felt this before and it amounted to nothing so hopefully this is not heralding a cold of flu.


My destashing is going well. Have more stuff up and still putting new stuff up regularly. Still can't see a dent in my stash yet! Click HERE.

Friday, July 03, 2009


Well, the woman who I was having the difficulty with didn't respond to Ebay nor did she pay up, so Ebay asked me to act which I did by closing the case, getting my fees back and they receiving 3 unpaid item strikes. Weird choice. I will not be surprised if I receive negative feedback now. If I do, I cannot do likewise because sellers have effectively been castrated by Ebay. We are not able to leave anything other than positive feedback, which is ludicrous.

It is very humid today and we have had two periods of very heavy rain so far. Reminds me of the Monsoon in Singapore when I was a boy. Still no sunshine though.

Whitney is ready and so are James and Bridget. It is their first show. I am not sure about taking them as I don't feel entirely confident as to their readiness. I guess I'll know what to do when I awake at 3am to go.

I felt much better today and I swam my usual laps. It made all the difference getting a good sleep last night. I forget how much disturbed sleep does me in. Trouble is, it's the nature of the beast that it disturbs my sleep. At least I don't often have night terrors now and when I do, I don't freak cos I understand the cause and it soon passes.

Does anyone really believe that some God in the sky made this planet (and presumably the universe) and us in 7 days? Does anyone really believe there was nothing and then suddenly that nothing BANGED and, Bob's your uncle, here we are? Does anyone truly believe that when we are dead we are dead. End of. Fini. Finito. Non existent? Does anyone truly believe that when we die we only appear to die and we in fact continue to exist elsewhere?

These things puzzle me. They are all impossible to believe. I am sure the answer is out there and if I find it, and understand it, by tea time, I shall let you all know.

Oh, please don't take this this as carte blanch for all you religionists and scientists to bombard me with the answer. I have heard all of them and still find it bollocks.
How can anyone believe that one will enter Hell for wearing polycotton? (polyester trousers, yes, str8 to Hell.)I was amusing myself earlier, yes AMUSING myself, pay attention, by the thought that people like Bush and other fundies can stand there with a str8 face and say they believe the bible literally. Really how can anyone other than a 3 year old believe that a man lived inside a whale? How can anyone other than a seriously deranged perv believe that we all descend from a man and woman who only gave birth to two sons? GOD HATES POLYCOTTON!! Get your placards out. The world needs to know and be saved from this abominable sin. I shudder at the committing of this grave sin. (The other one makes me shudder too but for entirely different reasons.....)

Lets look at the sensible side of this. The LOGICAL side of this. The no brainer, that anyone with half a brain cell knows is true. There was NOTHING. At least that is what I was always told in Science. Now we know that isn't true because there was HYDROGEN. So, okay there wasn't nothing, there was this thing we call hydrogen. Well, there was a Big Bang ( Eve with IBS when she ate the damn apple), and the hydrogen produced some helium and here I am with a squeaky voice. Simple right? No need to invent a God to have started it all. Why, that only presents a whole other conundrum, does it not? HOW did God get there? WHAT or WHO caused God? A greater God? Are we all children of a lesser God after all?

Oh, but hang on a minute. If presenting the idea of God as explanation only confuses the issue because that God would have to have had a cause, then why cannot the same be said of the idea that there was NOTHING and then NOTHING became HYDROGEN which BANGED. WHAT CAUSED THE F'ING BANG?(oh we don't know, say the scientists, we just know it wasn't God....)

See? Same conundrum.

They are ALL talking bollocks. DAWKINS, THE POPE, MR GRAHAM, EINSTEIN. NONE of them KNOW and neither do you! OOOH er Mrs. How about that. Imagine not knowing the answer. Scary isn't it? So we come up with something, anything it seems, call it the TRUTH and condemn those who don't toe the line. We could base our whole world structure on it. Indeed we could. We could even wonder why there is so much pain and suffering. Oh why oh why will people just not believe? If they did, the pain and suffering would stop. Only if you believe what I say of course. If you don't, well you get what you deserve, not just here but for eternity. After all, we can't let anyone think that death is the end of fear can we? Oh no. Death is when you really get what's coming to you for having the audacity to disbelieve me.

Well, enough of ranting for one day. Craziness is so tiring. I am off to commit another some shell fish, or maybe some dead pig. (Yes I know just what you were thinking.)

In the end, I just hope I am not presented with 70 virgins when I die. Heaven help me.

Thursday, July 02, 2009


In the 6 days I took the Naproxen, I gained 8 lbs. In the two days since I stopped, I lost 8lbs. It really does seem that anti-inflammatories are not for me.

I have used up all of my spoons today. Damn. I didn't get up at 5am to go swimming and I slept till 8am. I told myself I would go to the afternoon session. I also wanted to go the talk and demonstration at the church tonight. I did wonder if I ought to do both and maybe swimming could be off the menu today. I decided to go swimming. I managed half of my usual laps and it is clear I will not be going out again today. Maybe it is the heat, I feel so weak.

On the way to the pool I saw a young man walking on the side of the road, his shirt off. He had a defined torso, flat stomach and I was immediately transported back in time to the dark days of my life.

Prior to puberty, I had male friends. I knew though that I was not acceptable to my parents, especially my father. By the time of puberty, I knew this for sure and I was suddenly not acceptable to my male peers either. Quite simply, I did not fit the required standard for a boy. I was soft, gentle, sensitive, attributes I was to be ashamed of for the rest of my life until I saw the world differently.

I equated boys who were built like this as 'real boys', and men built like this as 'real men'. My anorexia / bulimia and exercising was all about trying to look like that, thinking that if I did, I would be acceptable. It never did happen. I never looked like that. I have come to realise that only person whose acceptance I need is my own and today I have that.

You know, our expectations of ourselves and of others can really ruin lives. I resent the fact that my first 49 years of life were miserable, that I was robbed of any chance of joy and happiness because of the expectations of others, which by it being the only teaching I had, the expectations of myself. That my life was dominated by shame and fear and the teaching that I was unacceptable to my family and to god.

I know different today and I know what joy and happiness and peace are. Now that I do know these things, I know exactly what I was robbed of and it makes me angry and sad. I don't let it dominate me and I don't dwell on it but I'd be lying if I said those 49 years of darkness were not a source of deep regret for me. I am aware I cannot change it, cannot go back in time. This just makes my loss more profound.

However, I am fortunate in that I am aware of my good fortune. Others don't escape the darkness. I did. I enjoy today. It is all I have. Today. I am glad of that.

I was thinking the other day how homophobia is far more insidious than most of us think. Homophobia is the reason I was never treat for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, why I was never seen as an abuse survivor, why my self harming and eating disorder, the paranoia, the agoraphobia, were not seen as the result of abuse. No. My homosexuality was seen as the problem. Either in itself or my lack of acceptance of it. No one ever asked me if I saw my homosexuality as the problem! If they had, I could have told them I didn't think about it, I just was, and I didn't understand why others found it a big deal and they didn't seem to think that being beaten, and bullied and molested all my life was anything to be concerned about.

I wish I could say that others in my position would be treated differently today. I know that it is isn't so. The evils of fundamentalism abound still. Insidious bigotry still pervades society.

The difference for me today is I see the falsehood of such bigotry and no longer suffer under it's weight. I wish I could say the same for the rest of the world. Both the bigots and the victims of it. Both pay the consequences. No matter if people justify it by their religious beliefs, they still reap what they so. It does make me sick when people are so cowardly that they hide behind their 'religion' when they say their religion causes them to be bigoted. Shame, shame, shame upon them.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009



Okay I have out some yarn, like cashmere, on Folksy at a set price.

EDIT: The lilac cashmere/ silk has sold.


They are finally done!!! The yarn is Schafer's 'ANNE'. 60% Merino, 25% Mohair and 15% nylon. I knitted these using 1.5mm Hiya Hiya Circular, magic loop, one sock on each needle, knitted simultaneously. This is the longest a pair of socks have ever taken me, about a month because I kept putting them down to do some others. They hurt my hands! I am thinking I will not use 1.5mm again. These could have been knitted on 1.75mm after all but that didn't become apparent until I was well into the foot. The pattern is a plain old garter rib. I knitted them toe up using my Andersson Method and Andersson heel Mach II.
I am very pleased that I finished them. I really like the yarn mix. Wool and Mohair is a favourite of mine.