RELIGION HURTS

Fanny and Alexander are proving to be a challenge. I am having problems getting them to eat in their crates. I feed all of our dogs in their crates. This stops any fighting, it makes sure each gets their quota, and it alerts me very quickly to any dog that might be sick. These two puppies are unlike any I have had before. 

I am not having a good day because I fucked up last night. We went out to dinner for John's 66th birthday, which is tomorrow. I didn't take my knitting with me. I forgot. Well, I didn't know what to do with my hands whilst waiting for food. If I am knitting, I can converse easily. Not last night. I felt lost without my knitting. Normally, I do not find it a problem waiting for John to finish his pudding because I am knitting and talking or just knitting.  Last night I joined him in having pudding. I awoke this morning with my joints on fire, my gut hurting. Now I remember why I don't eat that stuff! How many times do I need reminding? So today I feel sorry for myself yet I know it is my own damn fault. It will be three days before I feel okay again. So I ought to awake on Wednesday feeling different. i was going to say well but of course I won't be well. It is hard to explain what i mean and why today is worse than the usual pain and gut problems. It just is. I cannot give a good explanation except that just because I have this disease, which can can vary from crap to really bad, doesn't mean my allergy to wheat will not make it worse!

Normally if I have a ding ding with someone on the 'net it is nothing worse that me feeling angry for a while and forgetting all about it. Recently though something happened which has left me feeling hurt. I still find it hard to believe that this person wrote what they did. I was angry about the fact that a virulent anti-gay Roman Catholic priest was found to be gay himself. I wrote about it on Facebook and I also said that i found it difficult to understand how people can still be putting money in  the collection plate at RC churches when they know that the money is being used to hound abuse survivors, to deny them, through the RC Church employing lawyers to silence the victims. 

Unknown to me, a friend was RC and attends church. Okay, so I can understand her having a negative response to what I wrote. That is fair enough. However, what she wrote was 'now I hang my head for I feel sad that you hate me for loving God'. To say I was shocked and hurt is understatement. Nothing I wrote would even suggest such a thing. I also don't know how this person, a friendship with whom I have had for years, could not know I am not atheist, just not religious. My own spirituality is the most important thing in my life. Even as I write this, I still feel shocked by this sentence. I can't believe she wrote it. Yet she did. And has refused to discuss it since. No communication at all. It does show me though that people DO put ideology before people and their feelings. I guess my comment hit a nerve. I would never have chosen to hurt this lady, not ever, I am shocked she had no such qualms with regard to me. This is the problem with religion. It makes people behave in shocking ways because they put defending their ideas about God before any other consideration. This is how the religious can kill and maim and feel justified. 

I hate no-one and I never have. I hate some ideas which I think are harmful. For this woman to suggest I hate her, especially for 'loving God' is just vile. 

I have been knitting a lot recently and I feel much better for it. I have a very strong need to create. I feel good when I am creating.  I have finished a cashmere sweater for myself, almost finished a wool sweater using the garter carriage on the Brother 940. I have almost finished the back piece of Johns Aran sweater, am half way thru a pair of socks, half way thru the back and front, knitted in the round, of my alpaca sweater.

KNITTING PROOF

This is the alpaca sweater i am knitting for my self in a simple knit/purl check. I am using two ends of Drops alpaca on 4mm needles. I am using Lantern Moon Ebony Circulars.

This is John's aran sweater. I am using 5mm Lantern Moon Ebony circulars. The yarn is Cascade 200 and the design is my own.

This is another pair of socks for me. I am using Karbonz in 2.25mm size. the yarn is by Wendy and it just caught my eye. I am going to knit this a s a tube sock.

I am pretty sick at the moment and have been since Cruft's back on the 8th. I expected to feel really bad the two days after the show but that feeling didn't lift and I gradually got worse and worse until finally I developed a fever (tho now I think I had one a lot sooner than i realised) and difficulty breathing. I had been taking more and more pain killers because my joints were on fire and I was hurting much more. Anyway, I finally went to the Dr today and I had a temp of 38c and a chest infection for which I now have anti-biotics. I should have gone last week of course but didn't want to make a fuss!

KNIT AND KNAT

  This is knitted using two ends of Drops alpaca.  I am using 4 mm needles. In this case the needles are the Lantern Moon ebony interchangeables.  They are truly excellent. I knitted another sweater using this exact same yarn back in 2007.
(   Alpaca Sweater )

 The yarn  I am using is Cascade 220.  This will be a sweater for John. The design is my own. Once again I am using Lantern Moon Ebony interchangeables  in 5 mm this time.  What you see is just the swatch.  I designed the chart using Design A Knit 8.  I upgraded from DAK7. I am so far very pleased.  This really took the headache out. I was able to chart the above and consequently setting the first two rows  of knitting was very easy.   At the moment it seems as if this will be wide enough for the measurement that I require for the sweater! I just have a few more rows to do and then I shall wash it and try it and measure it.

 Very clever of you to have noticed that these are not knitted. I've bought two new  pairs of Dr Martens.  Aren't they gorgeous?



 This is one of the puppies that were six weeks old yesterday. I will be keeping this one and also her black and white brother and her gold and white sister. I will not be keeping the two girls permanently but will be running both on until I decide which one I shall keep. They will all be getting their microchips done today.

SOCIETAL DESTRUCTION

I really enjoyed the dog show on Sunday. The judging went pretty much as I expected. Mary-Grace was not placed and Pussy came 3rd. It was the judges 1st appointment and I entered because I think it is only right and proper to give 1st timers a chance even though I was fairly confident that she would not appreciate my dogs. She didn't.

Although I find it very stressful to be among so many people I still enjoyed meeting people. I am beginning to enjoy the social aspect of the dog shows.

The weather had not been as forecast and instead it was wet and cold. As the day went on the rain stopped and it became warmer but it was still not very hot day promised. I am relieved that it was not. Home however was a very different matter as it was having the hottest weather in the British Isles! By the time I got home in the late afternoon it was still 30°C.

I may have written here a while ago that my doctor was leaving the medical practice that I attend. However, it turned out that I could follow her to her new practice. I have been to the new practice and it is completely unsuitable for me. It is small has very little parking, like half a dozen spaces, and is 6 miles from home. On top of that it appears that she is only going to be working 2 days a week. I have come to terms with the fact that she will no longer be my doctor.

This presents me with a problem. The practice I am with is a very popular one and all of the doctors have their capacity of patients. The doctor who has come to replace my doctor is not one I could have a good relationship with.

He is a fundamentalist Christian who takes the Bible literally. Not only do I have a problem with a medical doctor who is supposed to be a man of science, thinking in such a primitive way, but I definitely have a problem with having a doctor who sees me and my kind as evil and the cause of societal destruction. I do not believe I can have a good and constructive relationship with somebody who does not view me with positive regard from the outset.

I have to write in and request that John's Dr will take me on her list. I do not know if she will but I know that I already have a good relationship with this woman as I have worked closely with her with regard to John and getting him to take his COPD seriously. She is a very nice woman and I know does not think of us in a negative way.

The manager of the practice understands my position and reading between the lines I am fairly certain that she is on my side though of course she cannot say so. I do not know what is going to happen and of course I am worried about it. I need a doctor with whom I can have a good relationship you know as I am not a not often seen patient! I am high maintenance in that regard and will only become more so as my condition worsens.

Recently I have had quite a lot of difficulty with my hands and getting them to work properly. I do not understand how this connects to spinal arthritis and I am going to ask about that. A few days ago I was convinced that the problem I was having with my hands was because the circular needle I was using for knitting John socks was too short. I changed to my normal 80 cm length but it made no difference. It is hard to explain but it is as if the messages from my brain are not getting to my hands and my hands are working very slowly. Not exactly painful, just weird. I could not even open jars or bottles. It has gone away again now but I know that it is a recurring difficulty and I want to know why this happens. I am at least glad that it is not the circular needles because I have 6 pairs of Chiao Goo in 60 cm length! I find working with the 60 cm length to be much better as there is less cable to pull through.

TEXTURED HAND KNIT

This is my own design. I used Garn Studio's Baby Ull (100% sw merino 350m/100g ). I used a Knit Pro (Pick's) circular needle, 2.75mm size.

STAGGERED

Basket Case

John's Basket Case socks. Knitted on 2.25mm needles. The yarn is a tweed yarn-66% Merino and 34% Sw Merino, 400m to 100g.

Knitted toe up using the Andersson Construction Method with a 1x1 ribbed gusset and the Andersson Heel Mach II.

The pattern is simple. 4x4 rib alternated every 4th round.

FRATERNAl SOCKS

These started off as machine knitted 'blanks', long strips. I then painted both with dye. One blank i painted vertically, the other horizontally. You can see the result. I used 2mm circular needles, knitted alternately so that they finished at they finished at the same time. I used my own Andersson Toe Up Construction Method utilising the revised Andersson heel Mach II. The yarn is a generic 75% virgin wool 25% nylon, 425m 100g

My Aran

I am still at it. This is my own design. Knitted using Garnstudio's Baby Ull, 100% Superwash Merino, 350m / 100g. I am using Knit Pro circular needle, 2.75mm size.

MORE SOCKS

IF YOU CLICK ON EACH PICTURE, YARN INFORMATION AND KNITTING INFORMATION IS VISIBLE.

RATA TAT TAT

I bought some knitting books from Amazon. I have Alice Starmore's Fair Isle knitting, Traditional Scandinavian Knitting by Sheila McGregor, Knitting The Perfect Pair by Dorothy Ratigan. I like all of these.

I also bought Nancy Bush's Knitting On The Road. This is okay. Annoyingly, the photographs don't show the patterns that well, especially on one sock which has most of the design on the front, so the photograph shows the side!

Norwegian Handknits: Heirloom Designs From the Vesterheim Musuem. I am seriously pissed off with this book. I would go as far as to say the book has been misrepresented. It's rubbish, as far as I am concerned. I expected it to be full of Norwegian type sweaters and maybe some shawls. It is mainly cheap and cheesy headbands, caps, and other tat you can get anywhere and is hardly traditional Norwegian nor Heirloom!!!!

John has buggered off to Paris for work. Will be home Sunday and Monday. I hate it when he goes away at short notice and also when it cuts into my weekend. I look forward to seeing him.I also look forward to being able to go out properly. I guess I shall be doing a lot of knitting.

I have been itching to dye some more yarn but I shan't until I have finished the 3 pairs of socks still OTN. When I do, I think I shall offer it up and see what happens.

It's just as well I am not doing the show tomorrow. I couldn't believe how painful my swim was today and it didn't go once I stopped. I have popped a morphine and just waiting now for it to work.

THIEF!

I thought that as I was home by 4pm yesterday, that I rested, and did plenty of drugs, I'd be okay for my swim today. No. Today will be a nothing doing day as usual after a dog show. At least I was able to get out of bed on my own!

It was cold last night and the first night we have had the heating on all night.

My dogs are so funny. It is real pleasure to get home and have them greet me with such enthusiasm. Luque goes nuts and he howls. Whitney does too if she has been left. They are father and daughter and both are vocal but not yappy. None of my dogs are barkers. I don't allow it. The dogs also greet eachother if , like on show days, one or two have been away and the others left at home. That is very cute to watch too.

I have to sit down and let them greet me otherwise they are in danger of knocking me over. I speak to them of course and I guess I wouldn't want that recorded! In fact pretty much most of my conversation with my dogs I'd prefer not to be recorded.

Some people must think I am stupid or they don't see how transparent they are. On THAT list someone wrote in to say how much like another well known pattern my new pattern is. They both have k2togethers and that is about the only similarity. You think they could have waited till my sock was completed before charging in with this veiled accusation? I had, in my original message, made it clear that I had tweaked a pattern I had taken from a stitch dictionary.

I once got an email, supposedly full of praise, but actually accusing me of plagiarising someone else's method for sock construction. The email was, they wrote, from someone who was blind. I didn't respond.

I think some people are very insecure and the idea that a man might be good at what is, wrongly, perceived as 'women's work', seems to bring out the worst in them.

Good Week

I have been wanting these kickers for a long time but they are 1. rare and 2. expensive. I got these on Ebay for £20!!!!! The seller said they were used but you can't tell. Perhaps they are a crip like me which would account for the soles having no wear.
The Kickers are rare and expensive too. I saw them on Ebay before and they went for more than I was willing to pay. These were on for 29.99 and I bid as there was only 29 minutes left. I won them for that!!!!
I have been dyeing again. I have bought several pairs of white denims cheap on Ebay. I have dyed one pair lavender and the other turquoise. The other two pairs will either be scarlet or royal blue or green or peach. I am at present using an orange dye on dark beige jeans. No idea what colour they will be but it has to be better than the baby shit colour they are now.

I also won a Seidl linen jacket for £12.95!!! It really has been my week. Seidl is Gwerman and this is a traditonal cream linen jacket. It arrived today and is beautiful.

Today has been a rest day. No swimming. Just pc and dvd's and knitting. The lace socks have proved a real challenge. I have had to frog half a dozen times so far. I think I have the hang to it now. I kept forgetting the yo's. The pattern has ended up being my own because I had to alter the original so much in order to fit my stitch count. Still, it has given a prettty good insight into how lace is structured, so next time, if there is one, I can make it up from scratch.

The dvd's I am watching are the first 4 seasons of House and also of Without A Trace. And all eight seasons of CSI (Las Vegas).

I have discovered that damp sets me off hurting. Yes, I know, I should have known that ages ago but it isn't easy to figure these things out. The weather here has turned cool and wet and the pain in my body, especially my hands has increased.

COLD AND WET

I spent yesterday sleeping, knitting and watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I also bathed Luque in the evening.

I have been for my swim this morning but am pretty sore today so I shall sleep some more and knit and watch DVD's!

It is a dull, cold and wet day.

Oh, and Sunday I discovered that my hand held Dyson that I used for cleaning the knitting machines was also stolen in the burglary. Too late to add it to the insurance claim.

Below are more photographs of animals at the Zoo in Budapest.

BEGGING FOR RIGHTS

Yesterday I went to The Guild of Machine Knitters day held in town. I had a good time. I met 'net' people that I know, Jane, Alison and Ann. Seeing the garments people had made got my juices flowing so I have been thinking of things I might try on the machines.

I would have liked to have stayed and seen Bill King and his designs but I was having a bad day pain wise. Even though I was in Daniel, the pain was bad. I get this awful cramping down my legs when I sit for any length of time, when it's a bad day. I then have to get up for a bit until pain forces me to sit again. Days like this are up and down and up and down till I just go to bed and sleep. I left and came home where I promptly went to bed. I took more pills when I got up and a couple of hours later I was calling the out of hours doctor to ask if I could take the morphine on top of the Tramadol I had taken. The answer was no. The doctor was really very nice and explained that Tramadol and Morphine are both opiates. Anyway, she did say I could take more after 4 hours instead of my usual 6 hours.

I didn't knit because I was in too much pain. I did watch The Andromeda Strain which as a superior made for tv programme we watched on DVD.I enjoyed and managed to stay still and ignore my body enough to follow the film.

There is no rhyme nor reason to it. I did not do much Friday, certainly nothing like walking or lifting. I can't remember the last time the pain was that bad and the pills not knocking it on the head.

Today I have to fill out forms for the government regarding my disabilities and health. I hate doing this. This is the third time for me. Hopefully this time they will write me off for life instead of 3 years. My disease is progressive, I won't get better, so really it would save much time and effort on all our parts. Strangely, I am written off for life as regards illness. I will get the incapacity for life. This is something different, this is for Disability on top. This is the one I had to fight for, and won before. Now i have to do it all over again. Hopefully though I will not have to fight this time as the situation is the same and I am physically worse than I was when I first applied. All I needed was the Blue Badge (disabled river parking etc) and had no idea it would involve all this bureaucracy. And they treat you as if you are a criminal from the outset, trying to defraud the government. The whole process is humiliating. Even the doctors find it infuriating because their competence is called into question too! I had to see a Government doctor for him to check that my 3 doctors were telling the truth! Even then they go it wrong and the panel lied saying there was no supporting medical evidence. There was, x-rays, and a neuro report which they chose to ignore. This is why I won my appeal.

These forms are so complicated that even John and I can't comprehend them fully so we have to have a professional form filler do it for us. Thank fully, my dear friend Linda (she bred Whitney) is one such person so we will spend much time on the telephone today with her while John writes it down. John has to write because I can't write any more. I can write but it takes so much effort and is still illegible!

I am going to give another service tonight. Not far away. I am looking forward to it. This is a place I can relax in and stay sitting. It is a purpose built church, not a hall.

I have some very attractive mandarin coloured cashmere to knit into a sweater for myself. I swatched a few days ago, the same time as I swatched the violet cashmere. After this, I am going to do something different, a waistcoat maybe. Maybe using the knitting machines version of weaving. Maybe not. But something different anyway.

More Buda below:

WHAT A RESULT

I tried something different last night. I took two slow release Tramadol (200mg)and I awoke not in pain. I then took paracetamol / codeine when I got up at 5am. My swim went very well, the best I have had for ages.

I have to stay in today because I am expecting a delivery of an Ipod (120gb) and a Sony DSLR A200. These are being sent as replacements, by the insurance company, for the ones that were stolen. It seems that 35mm film camera's are hard to source now. It was a film camera that was stolen. We will also get a cheque in the post to cover everything else.


I have to say that our insurers, AXA, have handled this very well. Trouble free and no arguing. We have not lost out financially.

I wrote to Accor Hotels to complain about the 'handicapped' room we were given in Salzburg. The only thing they had done was put bars around the loo,and the room itself was too small for a wheelchair user.

I was very surprised to get a response back refunding our stay there and also giving us a free weekend in Vienna to be taken up till April 29th 2010.

We have always used Accor Hotels (Mecure, Sofitel, Novotel, Ibis etc) since we started to travel on the mainland. They are very good and well priced. I usually book online.

James and Bridget are doing very well at ringcraft. Amazingly so. Both move very well and have just about got the hang of standing still when the 'judge' goes over them.

I have plenty more photographs of our trip to blog. It just takes time for me to edit the photographs. Oh, the camera that is coming is better than the one I already have, so that too is a bonus.

I have stopped knitting John's socks until he gets home and tries them on. He said they were fine when I had done the foot up the heel but now I have gone past the heel, they are tight over my instep. Perhaps he has less wide feet than me.

I am past the heel on the two Poison Apple socks and also on the Lorna's Lace Road Gerry. I am part up the foot on the Lorna's Lace Andersonville and also on the sock using Nana's yarn.

I have knitted up to the armholes on the raglan garter stitch sweater on the machine.

Julia Warner of Snowtalia Lhasa Apso took this picture of me and Micah in the ring at Cruft's.

STOP/START

The weather is gorgeous, 17c (low 60's), sunny and warm. The car passed it's yearly MOT check, only needed a couple of minor things done to it.

Last night's service went well. It was a pleasant drive there and back without incident. I listened Jean Michel Jarre there and back. I was in that sort of mood, 4hours total driving time.

I have some beautiful sock yarn and the bloody stuff will only knit in single colour stripes no matter what I try and I have tried many things! I think I shall leave ti be for now as it is really winding me up now.

We forgot to get the lottery tickets on Saturday. It was a big mistake to have elected for set numbers all those years ago! We should have just gone for lucky dips. Now we have to do it. Thank fully, our numbers did not win the jackpot this week.

Only the rest of today and 4 more days before we leave on our road trip to Budapest. I am excited about it. I am especially looking forward to it as I know the turbo chair will be taking off so much of the strain of the trip for us both.

For the last three days I have been taking anti-inflammatories. I have had to stop today. I have put on almost 5lbs and my blood pressure is up. The 5 lbs is water/salt retention, thus the higher bp. Damn! They make me feel really good too. However, I can't afford high bp with my angina and the not peeing and bloat feels awful anyway. Plus I am not sleeping well. Don't know why my sleep should be disturbed but it only started the night of the day I started the new tabs. Hopefully, I shall have peed out the excess salt and water by tomorrow. Oh and I also found out that if I don't take the Colofac I just stop pooing! So I am back taking it.

THIS, THAT AND A BIT OF THE OTHER

WEIRD

Well, I did remember my blood test which I had this morning. I had 3 people remind me by email and one by text message. As I know I have more than 4 readers, I gather the rest of you have the same C.R.A.F.T. condition as I!!!

I did my swim and all was well until I got back from the surgery. My plug got pulled and I couldn't even knit I was so weak. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. (Spell Check thinks couldn't isn't a word!) I feel better now and my hands don't feel like they weigh a tonne with sausages for fingers.

I say all was well with my swim, by which I mean I was able to do it, and enjoy it, though my hips weren't(spell check thinks that isn't a word too) that keen on it and my left hand went pins and needles and then numb again. It does that frequently and I assume it is because of the crumbling discs in my spine. You'd be amazed at where those discs cause problems. Maybe though you would not be as I am sure that you all know your nerves are in the spine!

KNITTING

I am really into it right now. Okay, so I always am but I am sure you have noticed I am doing much more machine knitting too. I have that feeling again, the urge to create with the wonderful yarns I have.I might even be kidding myself that I can knit it all. Given time, Yes, about 300 years worth. (Why does spell check think abotu is a word? Is it?)

READING

I have a tonne of books to read too. I am having to resist the urge to buy those books I see that I am sure I will like because I must have about 2 years worth of reading already. Mmmm, does this sound familiar?

I am reading RAVEN'S GATE by Anthony Horowitz right now and am enjoying it. I think it is aimed at the teenage reader so I am enjoying it very much. Not at all patronizing or childish. I have tried re reading the Narnia books but they are childish.

PUPPIES

Are almost lead trained. They do walk on the lead well but they still stop and especially so when they see people or traffic. Little Dorrit squares up to the cars as if daring them, whilst James , Dudley and Carly all back away. I have to take them out one at a time for training as they much learn to stand on their own feet. Most importantly, they are not freaked by the outside world and not so stubborn, as Apso are prone to be, that they fight the lead. I always start training at 8 weeks on the day. I get pissed off with some I meet at shows with a puppy of 6 months or more and they boast it has never been on a lead! Shows little care for the poor puppy I think, expecting it to go a lead for the first time in such a situation. Then they wonder why it freaks. Too many of them, adults too, only ever go out when they attend a show. Apart from that, they are kept confined indoors, some of them in cages where they are kept most of their time and never even get to play with each other. They get taken out to the garden, one at a time, to pee and poo and str8 back to the cage or pen.Never mind how cruel that is, why have the dogs if that is how you keep them? What is the point?

I often think that people who keep their dogs like this miss out on so much. When I get down on the floor with my dogs and pups, we have so much fun! When I go to bed, I always have a dog with me. When I am watching TV or knitting or reading, the dogs are around me. They are confined when I am not in and at night time, for their own safety. I do not go out all day unless I have a dog sitter, I will not keep them in their cages that long. I wish I could say that all my fellow exhibitors / breeders treated their charges the same way but alas they don't. To some they are a means to an end and that is it. A spotless house always is a warning to me of a poor life for dogs. I certainly would not entertain the idea of one of my dogs going to live like that.

All of my dogs play and run around in the garden. They play with each other, with me, with visitors. I have made concessions that don't affect the dog: I have fenced off all the hedging so they cannot get into it and wreck their coats. Other than that, they do as they please. My way of thinking is that if they can't get a floor length coat living a normal life, then they have the wrong type of coat for an Apso in the first place! These are hardy, tough dogs from 16000 feet above sea level, in the Himalayas, Tibet. They are not toy lap dogs. (not that there is anything wrong with Toy breeds just that the Apso is not one.)

GETTING AT THE ROOT

I was rather taken aback by the two posts that Mary Beth sent me the links to, the ones about abuse survivors having health problems caused by it. I felt quite emotional when I read the articles. I also thought what one of my commentators did 'I am not like this because of a personality flaw' or words to that effect.

Then it hit me. I have been dealing with my illness/disability as if it is a character defect, one that I must overcome. No wonder I have such hard time and always feel disappointed that I haven't cured myself. I have x-rays and scans that show I have the physical problems I have and a renowned neurosurgeon who says I have neurological impairment. What more do I need to give myself a break?

Yesterday was a good day. I awoke feeling that feeling which I have learned means I am done in and need to rest. I did just that. I did not go swimming. I did not feel guilty about it. I went to the bank when I felt like I could and deposited cheques. I knitted, watch DVD's. After a nap, I lead trained the puppies. It takes a few minutes for each puppy. Just put a lead on them, and walk a few yards up the street and back again. They all walked first time. I do this individually, no adults or other pups, just the one puppy. This way they learn to stand on their own feet.

What's more, I took enough medication for pain, was at ease with myself all day and asleep again by 10.30pm.I awoke just before 5am today, feeling refreshed and I knew I could go swimming today. I did and it went well. I trained the puppies again.

I had a workman here most of the day. He was fencing off the last bit of hedging in our garden. I wanted the hedging gone because it is not good for the show dogs' coats. John did not want it gone. So this was the compromise. The dogs can't get under it now.

Due to this I did not get my nap today. Tonight I wanted to got to a meeting I sometimes go to as I was particularly interested in tonight's speaker. However, it is 35 miles away. So the old familiar arguing with myself started. I eventually decided not to go. i made the right choice because now I am sore and I am tired. Going to the meeting would have sent me over the edge to being ill.

I also will decide tomorrow, when I awake, if I shall swim or not. If I don't feel up to it, I won't and I won't berate myself for not going.

Oh and Thursday morning I have a blood test at 9am so reminders Wednesday night would be gratefully received. My email if you don't know it is : apso at tantra-apso dot com

I think this new way of looking at my health problems is going to be much better for me. I am no fool and I know I am not going to get well and this will progress but I can make it a lot easier on myself by remembering to take care of myself and stop berating myself for having health issues! I can also see how I may even improve my lot by taking better care of me and resting more. In the long run it will mean I get more done. After all, I am no where near ready to give up those things I enjoy, especially the dogs and knitting, so I had better stop running myself into the ground.

I would not have thought I'd have so much trouble accepting days of quiet and rest as I do. Some things one learns can be very hard to unlearn. My worth as a person does not come from what I do but what I am. A Human Being not a Human Doing. How many times have I said that to others? Yet here I am, under the same illusion that my worth rests upon what I do.

See, writing on blogs really does do one good. I didn't know what was at the root of my self abuse until I followed my train of thought by writing about it here.

It is time I just let myself enjoy life and make it such a chore and pain by setting myself targets and allowing myself little break. No, I need to just accept that I can do as I please and I have nothing to prove. Oh, my, you know I just realised that I am still trying to prove to you know who that I am not a useless waste of space and that i am not a wimp. It is this that causes me to push myself to the limits of pain and exhaustion. I am still letting that bastard rule my life! For f***'s sake, I am 50! I dont' need this shit. Anyway, who the f**k is he to judge? A man who used his fists on children? Have you noticed how the most judgemental people are those whose own behaviour is worse? I used to know people who earned their daily bread by 'cheque kiting', using stolen cards and cheques. These people were very harsh in their condemnation of others. Believing in the death penalty and thinking muggers were the lowest of the low. It didn't once occur to them to wonder how the people they got their stolen cards and chequebooks from, came by them! Priests pontificating in the pulpit whilst feeling up (and worse) the choirboys or standing by whilst the Nazi's did their evil.

KNITTING

I have two pairs of socks on the go, one is Blue Faced Leicester and nylon and the other is merino and bamboo. Both feel wonderful. I have completed a garter stitch raglan sweater on the machine and am waiting for it to dry. I will then photograph it and blog it.

I am half way through another garter stitch sweater and am swatched and ready to go on a cashmere for John.

GOOD DAY

WISBECH

First of all we went to Wisbech. I had to put a cheque in the bank and that is my nearest branch (10 miles away). We then went to Poundland which I love to do. Got household items we needed.
Visited a men's outfitters called Robert Goddard where I saw some lovely red cords not in my size and John saw a very handsome soft suede jacket not in his size. He bought a shirt and I bought nothing.
Later in W. H. Smith he bought mags and the daily paper whilst I bought the second issue of The Knitter. I have to say I am impressed with this magazine even though I declined to buy the first one. I really like the man's slip stitch jumper in this issue.

SWIMMING

I didn't go swimming yesterday nor did I go today. I will probably go tomorrow.

DOGS

As I had not been to the pool for two days, I thought I could manage to walk the dogs. Half way around the walk, I found I was very tired and not very able to move my legs. I had no choice of course but to continue on home. I think John,( no I know ), had a hard time not being too far ahead of me as I slowed to a snail's pace. I hope this was a just a blip and not the way things are now. I have just sat the rest of the day and am now going to bed, knackered.

KNITTING

I have completed the front piece of the garter stitch raglan sweater on the Brother 940 using the garter carriage. I am 20 rows away from the first decrease on the back piece. I am really pleased with this so far.

As for socks, I have knitted up to the gusset increases on one sock and am not far behind that on the second sock.

My Aran back is also now knitted up to the first decrease. This too is a raglan.

DVD - THE TUDORS Series II

We are into the second series of The Tudors. This is excellent, truly. Trouble is they do show executions. Heads being chopped off I can cope with. Burning at the stake or boiling alive I cannot and I leave the room and block my ears until it's over. The guy playing Henry 8th is good looking, mean looking, sleazy looking and very sexy. Good casting I would say. The machinations between him and the Pope etc really shows how idiotic the question of religion and Xtianity is. Not only does the Emperor have no clothes, he never did!

Oh and last night we watched the latest MUMMY film. Greta fun. How come Brendan Frazer is so attractive when he isn't good looking? Nothing about his face fits, yet the whole package works very well.

GOD

I had a quiet word with the Almighty and She has promised me that I can have my own space in Her house, well away from the downstairs guests. Seems she hasn't much time for the loud-mouths either. Hates it when they speak for Her and claim to know Her mind. So She says they can jolly well stay put until they change their minds. Not a thing She can do unless they do. Whilst She waits, She has hinted that She'd like to learn the Andersson Heel. Oh, crumbs! KnitPicks or Addi's? Circulars or DPN's?