CHOOSING LIFE

  So this is what I have been doing today. I knitted the back and front and collar of this sweater. The yarn is 2/28 and a cashmere and cotton mix. The sweater is going to be for myself. When it is finished I will photograph it so that the colour is more true to life. It is a lovely orange.

Above are some yarns that I have dyed.  These will go into my Knitman's Kitchen shop.

   Those who have read my blog on a regular basis know that I have written extensively about my life and about recovery from childhood trauma, namely physical emotional and sexual abuse. I am able to do this without it having a negative effect upon myself. In fact I find my interaction with other people who write to me as a result of what they read on my blog to be very positive.

 However, what I am not good at is debating or campaigning  or constantly reading about the terrible things human beings do to human beings.

Recently an idea had begun to float around in my mind that perhaps reading all the articles that people posted on Facebook or sent to me directly was perhaps not good for me. Then a friend mentioned in passing that perhaps it wasn't a good idea that I got so involved. Then much to my surprise my husband said very forcefully to me that he thought it was my involvement  in this that was causing me to have difficulties in my own life. He felt that I was just constantly reliving the pain of my past.

About 10 days ago I quite simply stopped. I stopped reading articles. I stopped commenting on articles. I ignored racist comments. I ignored homophobic comments. I ignored religious fundamentalists.

As a result, I find myself much more at peace and in a much better mood! It wasn't actually that easy because I felt that I was burying my head in the sand by doing this and that I was somehow betraying abuse survivors and those who are still being abused. Strangely writing about the subject on my blog or replying to the heartbreaking letters that I get does not cause me any difficulties at all. I feel that I am giving to these people that which has helped me. This way of helping helps me. However debating and campaigning and constantly speaking up is not for me. I am unable to do that and remain detached at the same time.

John very rarely says anything to me forcefully nor does he give his opinion unasked.  The fact that he did certainly made me listen  and because I trust him I was able to see that what he was saying was true. I recalled leaving the forum about a year ago precisely because it unsettled me greatly. I was thus able to see what John was talking about. However, I felt that to stop doing what I was doing was betrayal but having spoken it through with John and I realise that that is not the case.

Consequently I find I have more time for myself and doing the things that I enjoy doing like knitting and dyeing yarn and just being with my dogs. I play with them and talk to them and take care of their needs. I find I am much lighter  in mood.

John and I also discussed my medications. I have had a hard time accepting my use of painkillers since I started in 2007. Prior to that I just lived with the pain and to be frank I have absolutely no idea how I managed that. It wasn't until I took my first dose of painkiller that I realise just how much pain I had been putting up with. Yet I've never really been able to shake the ideas that I'm doing something I'll not to be doing. I constantly worry about whether the drug is killing the pain or altering my mood. When I spoke about this with my doctor she laughed and she said I should hope it does alter your mood! She said of course you are feeling like you are high because you are not in pain. She said you only had to look at my face. But she assured me that my changing countenance was due to a lack of pain.  However, I have not really come to terms with this.  I give myself a hard time about it as a result. So anyway, the other day I said to John that I really did not like being dependent upon drugs. His response was that he understood that but that I had a choice. I take the drugs and have a life or I don't take the drugs and go back to not having a life. He is right. Without drugs I could not go to dog shows. I could not even take care of the dogs. I could not go to Tesco let alone go out for the day. Holidays would be out of the question. 

Prior to 2007 I did these things but with great difficulty. I was also a very difficult person to be around and to live with. And of course since 2007 my disease has progressed somewhat so there is no going back!   Perhaps I will come to terms with this though it would help if I could figure out  exactly what it is about medication for pain that bothers me. I have absolutely no qualms at all about taking my heart and my gut medication. I am fairly certain it is not a roundabout way of not accepting my disease. I think I have a good attitude with regard to that and I know that there is no cure and that it is progressive and that I get worse as time goes on. I never find myself sitting feeling sorry for myself about that or even sitting and giving it much thought at all.  from the moment I understood my condition I never thought "what if?" I didn't go running around looking for cures. No instead  I gradually found ways of living with it and making my life easier-walking sticks, wheelchair, electric bed, memory foam pillows-and losing weight.  None of those things bother me. The drugs do. I am uncertain as to why. I have deliberately not taken them and the way that I felt was absolutely no different to the way that I always felt. In other words I didn't feel anything other than dreadful and much pain. Just like I did for the years leading up to finally agreeing to take pain medication. So why cannot I not feel comfortable taking them?

UPSIDE DOWN AND INSIDE OUT

I received a very kind email this morning  reminding me that I have not posted on my blog recently. I think I had assumed that few comments meant few readers.

Life is still not settled. We have the upstairs to finish. The bedrooms need the decor done and then the carpet laid. The bathroom still needs it's floor laid.
Our desks-Regency- have been made and are ready for delivery. I am going to have to call them because the day, Tuesday, is not convenient as John will not be here and I won't be able to manage them.

We have decided upon a Tempur electric bed. I cannot deal with the bed building each night to get comfortable and it is sometimes very difficult to get out of bed. This will solve all those issues.
I have dogs shows coming up but do not feel inclined to go at all. My stomach lurches whenever I think of it. Either this is because I am not ready for them yet or because I have got out of practice and the stomach lurch is what I normally feel when having to deal with groups of people. I think it may be the latter which means I will have to force myself to get going.

Pain and dealing with it, which meds to use etc is it's usual challenge. I just had a week's course of anti-inflammatories which really did the trick but that is finished at the reason for them seems to be returning. I cannot keep taking them as NSAID's can have serious side effects. Bummer, as the Americans would say.

The picture above is of Deita, Tantra's Plenty O'Toole isa Kutani. She is Whitney's daughter and is owned by my friend Wendy Cain, who bred her sire. Currently she is the top winnign LA this year. She has 3 rcc's and 2CC with Best of Breed. Juts 18mths old.

OH B*LLOCKS!

Yesterday, I was able to swim and to walk the dogs. I took a good dose of my drugs for each activity. This was what I needed to discuss with my doctor because I have got fed up with having to juggle my activities and my drugs.

However, things have not gone quite as I expected or planned. I took a 2nd dose and waited an hour and then I went for a walk with the dogs. Not only was it painful it has completely exhausted me. I am so stiff and sore that I cannot even take my boots off.

This is what I do not understand. Despite the pain being dealt with, (even today although my walk was not pain-free it certainly was manageable and without drugs it would have been impossible), I get so fatigued and achy. It seems to me that a crumbling spine and arthritic joints are not the only issue.

I am disappointed to say the least to discover that even with effective pain control I am still not going to be able to live as if I was fit. To be honest this is what I was expecting from more pain control as it seems to me that it is the pain that stops me doing as I wish. Clearly, fatigue is the main issue and there appears to be no drug for that. Bollocks!

E-MAIL NASTIES

On one of my e-mail lists there is a person who uses a pseudonym that I have found objectionable for quite some time and I blocked their e-mail so that I did not see any messages from them.

Yesterday, this person accused another list member of hating Jews just because they are German! I was absolutely appalled at such a disgusting e-mail. Yet it seems that nobody else was apart from the person it was aimed at. Although the moderator put the sender of that vile e-mail on moderated status, the receiver of it and myself for commenting were also put on moderation. I find this is fairly typical of many e-mail lists where no one seems to have the guts to put a stop entirely to the unacceptable. The writer of that e-mail would have been barred completely if it had happened on my list.

It is not possible to tell where the writer of the e-mail comes from, what nationality religion or colour they are, and we only have their word for it that they are a she. The e-mail sent attacking the German man was violent and extremely nasty and I am impressed that the German man himself did not respond in kind.

There are always people like this on lists and they are able to manipulate others and make it appear as if they are the innocent party. However it seems that their sole purpose is to stir up as much discord as they can. What really angers me is that such obvious behaviour is ignored by those who are supposed to be taking care of the list. They allow the manipulative behaviour to occur and end up punishing those that are its targets. A very sorrow episode indeed. One that is likely to repeat itself as effectually it is allowed to.

This person is known for causing such unpleasant disturbance on multiple lists.

Even as I write I cannot believe that such a evil accusation was made on a public list which is supposed to be about an art / craft. It was completely uncalled for. Anyone who bothered to think would know that the accusation was baseless because we do not know anything about the person who writes under a pseudonym. A most ridiculous pseudonym at that!

I am waiting for an appointment with my Doctor in order that we might discuss my drugs regime. I am sick and tired of juggling and worrying and not doing things because of not having, as I see it, the freedom to drug up enough to be able to do what I want to do. I keep having to decide between going for a swim or walking the dogs. Dyeing or swimming or walking. This is because in order to be able to do what I please I would have to go over the prescribed amount of drugs. I either need something more powerful or the freedom to dose as required. I know how to handle the drugs and I know what drugs I can take more of what drugs I cannot take more of and I also know when I don't need them. I am not sure where this discussion will lead but I feel I really need to do something that will improve the quality of my life and not frustrate me so

much.

The wind has been blowing strongly here for a few days and it is still blowing this morning. Yesterday the wind was very strong and yet the temperature was in the low 70s! I wonder if we are headed for a harsh winter the same as last year.

IMPRESSED AT LAST!

I had a phone call to tell me that I was now registered with the Doctor I wanted - John's. I felt quite confident she would take me on despite having a closed list. In my letter I decided not say anything about the Doctor I didn't want to stay with but rather made it seem the problem was entirely mine. I feel a tinge of guilt as I always do when I find I have to cut a person out of my life. However, as I am a frequent flyer with the Doctor and have serious issues, I need to feel safe and comfortable with the Doctor I have. Sorted.

Today's swim was dreadful. I got there late to start with because of a traffic jam. Then I found my swim very painful and I eventually had to stop and try and get my neck moving. It worked and seemed to release the nerves that were sending burning sensations down both arms and across my chest. Briefly I felt panic wondering if this was my heart but soon realised that if was and I carried on swimming, I'd get worse not better!

I was delighted to watch John's face as he listened to his classical on vinyl over the weekend. He is very impressed with the record player I bought him. He has much that has never been put on cd so he is happy now he can play it and he said the sound is best he has ever heard. Now, if you knew John you would know that he rarely says anything other than 'it's alright',(makes me want to hit him at times!), so when he does say something other one knows he is really impressed.

I have the urge for machine knitting this week. I might knit a sweater and I might also knit up some un-dyed sock yarn and dye some 'sock blanks'.

I hate eating first thing. I do eat breakfast when on holiday, a large one. I then don't eat again until late afternoon, sometimes evening. No idea why it doesn't turn me off when I am away. I am going to try to eat breakfast here. I certainly won't be doing so before I go swimming nor when I first get up but I might eat around 10am instead of waiting until 12 or so.

A HUNKY CARER PLEASE

If there were one thing that I really find upsetting about my condition, t is my inability to concentrate. I am unable to sit and watch films in one go. If I do not take medication then pain prevents me from being able to concentrate and if I do take medication, the medication prevents me from concentration!

Our nearest cinemas are over 20 miles away. We rarely go and in fact we probably have given up going. If I take enough medication, I can basically stop fidgeting and because there are no other distractions. I am able to concentrate longer. However, I usually then find I have a battle to stay awake!

I do watch a lot of DVDs but they are series and they are easy to watch because the episodes are usually under 50 min and I can enjoy them whilst I am knitting all messing about on the computer without really missing anything important.

What I miss is being transported if you know what I mean. For an hour and a half or three hours, I used to be so absorbed in the film, if it was good. At the end of it, it was like waking up. I am no longer able to get that absorbed.

I am still able to read and I do so every night but I do not read for very long before I fall asleep. So whereas I might have read two or three books a week, it now takes me weeks to finish one book. Written down that sounds rather poor.

I do all of my reading now on my Kindle and it is so much easier for me to hold. It is very light. No, it is not like a real book, which I love to see on the shelves but I no longer buy them. This does not apply to my knitting books which are usually big format and they can just sit on my lap because I do not read them in bed.

Most of my difficulties have been resolved or made better by making adaptations such as using the Kindle to read. However, I have yet to come up with anything that enables me to concentrate long enough to watch a film. I had not realised until this last couple of days when I have watched Harry Potter and the Deftly Hallows. It took three sessions for me to complete seeing the film. Because of this I do not get emotionally involved. I just realise that this is what it is that I miss and completely spoils my enjoyment. I don't know if there is a good combination of drugs that would enable me to concentrate.

The government here are trying to get as many people off disability as they can and I am seriously worried that they are going to come after me. I could not even work on a till in Tesco. I would lose track of what I am doing all I would get very confused because my brain just gives up by that I mean I just goes blank. Once again I would have exactly the same problems as I have in the cinema if I don't take painkillers. I just wouldn't be able to sit and work the till for more than a few minutes. If I do then I just experienced the same inability to function properly.

I managed dog shows by careful planning and revision of my actions before the show and after the show. I also take many more drugs. The night before a show I am usually in bed by six or 7 PM because I am up at 2 AM usually leaving around 4am. I need those two hours for my body to function well enough for me to get dressed. When I get to the show. I park my staff and I stayed sitting down until it is time for me to go in the ring and I only get up when I need to have a pee. My time in the ring is short and painful but up until now I have always managed those few minutes. I have fallen a few times but fortunately other people have seen that I was about to topple and prevented me from doing so.

I think I have a very good attitude and I deal with my challenges in a positive way. I enjoy my life and I do not let my diseases get in the way. Well of course that is not entirely true. Of course my disease gets in the way. What I mean is I make the best of it.

If I were very rich and did not value my independence so highly I would pay somebody to do the following: help me get out of bed every morning, help me to wash and helped me to dress.I would also have them cook my meals for me. All of these things I find very difficult to do and I do not do them every day other than get out of bed. Whereas I used to insist that I was always dressed properly when going out I have had to give that up. Hence I do not wear traditional pyjamas. Instead I wear what is called leisurewear. I make sure that they are fun and interesting and colourful. With the addition of a hat and something around my neck I don't feel like a cripple in his pyjamas going to the supermarket!

I use only the microwave and a steamer for cooking. I cannot hold anything heavy as it is too dangerous. Even with these precautions I still drop stuff. Like those little microwaveable meals that Tesco do. Quite often I will go to get it out of the oven and drop it all over the floor! So yes somebody to cook for me would be very good.

Thankfully I am able to deal with the pain side my disease. Through the use of drugs and my ability to disassociate I'm mostly can keep it in the background. Not all of the time. This day last week I was almost in tears after two weeks of nagging pain that just would not go away no matter how many pills I took. It was quite severe as this is the pain caused when my diaphragm cramps and painkillers do not seem to touch it. Then I awoke on Friday and I was back to feeling like there was almost nothing wrong with me.

My biggest frustration as I think I've probably made very clear is being prevented from doing what I want to do. I do not mind be helped and I do not have any difficulty asking for help. I am not proud in that sense although perhaps I was because asking for help is a new thing with me.

anyway things like not being able to make a machine knitted sweater in one day anymore.not being able to deal with things that I used to find just so easy. For example having visitors. I love my friends and I really enjoy seeing them but it is exhausting for me and I couldn't possibly do it everyday. And I have to say that company that lasts for more than an hour drains me.

And now I must finish this post.

THREE COUNTIES 2011

I had a good day at the show yesterday. I met and chatted with people I like. We had a terrific thunderstorm just as the judge was placing us in Junior Bitch, which Mary-Grace won.(I was very pleased, as at 3 ch shows running show was was 2nd!).

 

My friend Gavin Roach very kindly took all of my stuff inside for me.What impressed me the most was his realising that there was no way I was going to be able to do it, and certainly not before I was soaked through. I did not have to ask for help. He just gave it.

 

The people I have previously written here about, those I had been friends with for 30 years, were there. 'Hello' was all they managed. Not that I wanted any more. I had difficulty controlling myself. My hands were shaking with anger. I called upon my resources and meditated and got into the zone with my knitting. I was NOT going to let rip! They are not worth it and I will be the one who comes off looking the guilty, not to mention nuts, party. I am still totally shocked at their disgusting behaviour. The fact I was so wrong about them, well her mainly, still shocks me.

 

I know I keep writing shock but I cannot think of another word. I would never have thought she was such a nasty piece of work. Never. I was fooled thoroughly. I let myself be used for far too long by someone who was an expert manipulator. Far from being the kind mentor I had thought, she used everything she learned about me to keep me in line and to her advantage. Pc's sewing machines, animals, money. Yes I gave them all.

 

I am relieved though that this is over. For years I had this awful argument going on inside me: one telling me the true nature of our friendship and the other side castigating me for being so wicked as to think such a thing about kind people. The argument was just exactly the same as the inner turmoil the childhood abuse caused me. John wanted me to ditch them years ago because he saw them for what they were but I argued against him. How wrong I was. John loves me and he saw what was happening. I ought to have trusted him instead of them.

 

Now they have shown their true colours and I am free of them. My emotions about them will sort themselves out and it will no longer be an issue. For now it is but in a way I have not felt before. In the past, the me who felt everything was my fault, would have been all over them wanting their approval. Instead I am livid with them Absolutely lived.

 

This too shall pass.

 

I learned yesterday too about my meeds and food. I have to force myself to eat. The trouble is, the combo of the stress of the show (good stress), the getting up really early, my meeds, and just being in a fun place, decreases my appetite. The drugs do too. I was fine until the several hours after my last dose of drugs and I was home: I got hyper. I now realise this was a combination of the days emotions, the lack of food and my meds. The lack of food mainly. I am going to have to try and make myself eat. It is not easy to do that when one is grateful to not feel hungry! Yet I really don't like being high either. Reminds me of a manic episode. Especially when the really hyper was not until 5-6 hrs after my last dose of pain killers.

 

The photographs were taken by Gavin Roach, fellow Lhasa Apso breeder. he and his wife Mary are very nice people. It was Gavin who made sure my stuff and I were safely ensconced indoors out of the storm.

Posted by Knitman

POUSSEZ

This has been a strange few weeks.  Almost 4 weeks to be precise.  It was that time ago that my doctor prescribed me the new drug. It has been working very well I am pleased to say.  The best thing of all is that I’m able to sleep.  Usually four hours without waking up, sometimes almost 6. I am astonished at the difference just being able to sleep makes to my daily life.  Know it has not done away with the fatigue, no it does not enable me to go on as if there is nothing wrong, but it has certainly improved the quality of my life.

A never ending source of friction, puzzlement, and hurt is other people! I have felt pressured by other people do what they want me to do.  I have found myself speaking my mind and standing up for myself and not being bamboozled into doing things I do not want to do.  This does not come easy for me but I have to say it is easier than I ever would have thought it would be.Not only that it is much less stressful for me in the long run because I do not berate myself for yet again not standing up for myself. I cannot control how other people react to this.  I am not rude or abusive.  I just state quite clearly how I feel and what I will or will not do. I guess if I lose the chance friendship by being myself and honest then I actually haven’t lost anything.

I truly think that because I am polite to everybody and friendly to most people that some people think I am a pushover.  Indeed I used to be a terrible people pleaser. Most people assume that people pleasers want everybody to like them.  That was only superficially the case with myself.  For me it was about keeping myself safe because my experience taught me that if I did not please people my life was in danger.  I now know that that is not the case and that just because somebody does not like me or is annoyed with something I have said or done they are not going to throttle me or beat me. I think when as a child you have been knocked out or had the hands of a fully grown adult male around your throat you learn that to displease is dangerous.  Unfortunately one it’s also too young to understand that one will never please those who behave like that.

In other words do not push me!

We are getting a new car.  The Ford Mondeo estate that we have is a beautiful car to look at and drive but a year later I accept that it is not a suitable car for me. Not only does Big Daniel not fit in it, unless he is taken apart, but the car is also a manual.  It is not fair to blame salesperson to not understanding my needs as I too am not very good at and placing my disability fist.  I think this is because the way I deal with it is by disassociation, which is not necessarily an unhealthy thing.  It enables me to leave the pain behind to a great extent.  However, it does have its drawbacks.When I was a child I disassociated for safety but in some situations it made me less safe because disassociation involves freezing and not reacting. Anyway, back to the point!  I was so impressed with the car itself I did not stop to think carefully about what my needs were.

The new car is a Ford Galaxy. It has an automatic transmission.  When I got in to it I turned so as to enter backwards and prepared myself for the drop to the seat. There was no drop.  When I got out, I just turned and stood up without having to haul myself upwards.  The seat itself was incredibly comfortable and the driving position was excellent.  The vehicle has excellent visibility all around.

A mechanical hoist will be fitted to the back, inside, and this will at the push of a button swing outwards and down and will pick up Big Daniel, move back up and deposit Big Daniel into the car. There is so much room in the Galaxy that I will be able to have all of my dog show stuff and Big Daniel in the car at once and probably my friends dogs and show stuff as well.

With this vehicle I will have more or less complete freedom.  Although I preferred to go out to a shopping mall  for the day somewhere with John, I will now be able to do this on my own.  It also means of course that John will not have to to exert himself either.

From the point of view of fuel consumption it is the same as the car I already have.  It has all the other features that the Mondeo has I accept that it has a key free ignition. One just pushes a button.

I have started another crochet item this time I am using Knitman’s Kitchen super lace weight at 1200m/100g.  I am using a 4 mm hook and it will be a wrap for my friend Gail.  The yarn is 50% Baby Suri Alpaca, 30% Xtrafine Merino, 20% Silk. I dyed it in pastel shades.

NEW HORIZONS

This is the first thing I have ever crocheted. It is a scarf/stole for my friend Dawn. I am undecided if I shall leave it as it is, corrugated look, or block it when it is done. The yarn is my own Knitman's Kitchen yarn, 50/50 Sw Merino / Tencel at 800m /100g, Lace weight.

I have tired of knitting socks for now! I have decided to to knit another machine sweater. I was messing about the other day and just did a small test to try something out and have decided it would make a nice sweater, so I am going to make one.Just an ordinary 4ply wool sweater, in Fair Isle. Or to be more precise, in a two colour pattern. (Precision for the knitting police who will point out that Fair isle only comes from Fair Isle and is in hand knitted in Shetland!)



I started a new drug on Thursday night, Gabapentin. It is a nerve blocker. Meaning it stops the pain message getting to my brain. So far it has worked very well. I was able to swim without pain this morning. I am however, in pain now, in my neck and shoulders. This pain is not common as it is usually my joints, especially hips. It is too soon to tell if this drug is going to help but the last 4 days have been unusually good. I won't really know until I have swum at least 3 days this week. THAT will tell me. The good thing is this drug can be built up to as much as 3000mg a day and I am only on 100mg right now. No side effects either that I am aware of.

I will be keeping Fin, Pussy and Plenty from Whitney's litter. I am so pleased without his litter. I am so glad I followed my gut. If I had listened to my head, I would not have used the sire.

Christopher, now called Bear, went to his new home on Saturday, with Tim and Jenny and family. Holly went to her new home with Linda, Whitney's breeder, on Sunday. I only have Dr No (Marten) to find a home for now. Waldo is still here too!

My shows start this month and I am looking forward to starting up again. Mary-Grace is a stunner. Then Winston will follow after May 15th and after 7th July, the other three. Though of course not all at once!

I am undecided as to what to do with Whitney. I do not mean parting with her as that is never going to happen. I mean as regards her retirement. I am thinking this might well be permanent retirement. She is BISS Ch Polielins Whitney with Tantra JW 10cc, 8RCC, G3, G4, BISS. Top Winning Lhasa Apso 2009 Her last show she went BIS. So I think that is a good record to leave standing for her. Retire her at the top. I know she is only 3 and has now really mature well after having this litter, better than ever. Perhaps though it is time to move forward with her offspring and Mary-Grace and Winston.

I am very impressed with the new Adele album, 21. What a voice! Such a mature young woman.

Posted by Knitman

IT’S MORE THAN A PAIN IN THE ARSE

If you asked John he would tell you that I rarely mention my pain problems and that I just get on with it.  In fact, he would tell you that I do more than I ought to and neglect to take into consideration my limitations more often than I ought.

It is not easy for me to write what I’m about to write but it has got to the point that it is really started to bother me.

I am not really talking about people who do not know me I am talking about friends. People that I care about.

I think that mostly they have absolutely no idea at all what living with 24/7 pain is really like.  Do they think that because I’m smiling I am not hurting?  Do they think I just have a sore knee?  Or maybe a toothache?  Or that my muscles are sore after a workout at the gym?  All that my legs hurt because I’ve been on them all day? I really have no idea what they think and whilst I do not need or want to be treated as a totally helpless person, I would appreciate some understanding.

Imagine if you can what it might be like to NEVER be comfortable.  Not even with painkillers.  No, not even morphine works 100%.  The only thing that does work is a drug that knocks you out cold and of course one cannot take such drugs without causing more problems.  Anyway, back to my point.  I am never ever free of pain.  If I say I am having a good day it means that my pain is less than usual and if I am having a bad day then the pain is much more than usual.  I never get any time off. I never have a good night’s sleep. In order for me to change position I have to wake up and struggle myself into a different position.  I am rarely sleep for more than two hours at a time.  A good night’s sleep for me is four hours without waking up.I also have to get out of bed a minimum of twice every night and that in itself is a pain to say the least!

I feel the need to point this out because it seems to me that people expect that I am always polite and calm in my emotions. No one seems to give me any leeway at all if I speak out of turn or if I get offended for no apparent reason or if I over react to a minor slight or even to a non-existent slight.

I am not asking any of you to feel sorry for me that is the last thing that I want.  I am asking that you try and bear in mind that I may not look ill to you that I am and it takes its emotional toll upon me.  This last week has been particularly hard on me with the flu as well and a new-born litter.  YOU may be able to take all this in your stride but the toll it takes upon me is heavy and the way it shows is that I become overemotional and touchy.  So please do not judge me harshly for those times when I am not all sweetness and light.

My friends are very important to me and I respect and love them and I always give benefit of the doubt to them and to others.  I only ask that you do the same for me. 

Thank you for reading.

WEIRD AS CAN BE

Let’s face it, if I wasn’t weird you probably would not be reading my blog.

I went to bed at about three or four o’clock on Saturday morning having been up with Whitney for two nights delivering her puppies. I awoke a couple of hours later violently shivering.  Really violently.  John held me tight in an attempt to stop my body from jerking about. It eventually did stop, and I went back to sleep.  I woke up feeling fairly rough and very hot and sweaty.

Me being me it does not occur to me that I am sick.  No. Instead I think that I am having withdrawals from my painkillers. Here are my thinking that I had gotten over the guilt around taking heavy-duty painkillers and yet here it is in another disguise.

The same thing happened in the early hours of Sunday morning although not as severe.  Now I did not buy this time seriously think it could be withdrawals because I took morphine deliberately to see if by taking it I would feel better.  I did not other than felt pain relief.

So yesterday off I trot to the doctor who takes one look at me and says you’re very pale you obviously rather sick!

I have the flu.  The shaking and sweating is to do with the temperature and the reason it was only happening whilst I have been in bed a few hours is because by that time my pills had worn off and as I take paracetamol along with the tramadol and all morphine, of course I did not have a temperature when I took it.  Hence I could not be ill without a temperature. Duh! I have also discovered that having the flu vaccination every year does not protect one from getting the flu but it does lessen the effects.  I have to take my BP regularly at the moment because I am considered a high risk person ( for being killed by flu that is)!

I have to say this is really rather boring.  I am not knitting and shall be going back to bed shortly.  This is my fourth day of being sick so hopefully it is almost over.  I did sleep well last night despite being drenched.  The weirdest thing is that I keep suddenly becoming drenched in sweat and feeling very hot and then of course I feel chilled.  I am only wearing one layer of clothes instead of my usual three.

I have been fasting about with an updated version of my camera which I managed to get a refurbished one of.  I am really rather pleased with it.  No doubt there will be more photographs either on Facebook or on this blog.

No doubt because I have the ,Daniel Craig is about call and suggest we go out for an intimate dinner for two. I have to say that I would still have to refuse him as the very thought makes me feel iller! And I don’t care if iller is not a word

NOT RECOGNISING PAIN

I think I may have finally understood something important about my body this evening.  When I have severe pain in my legs or my joints all the spasms in the thoracic region, this pain is obvious.  It is also not so easily dealt with but it is not constant.

John and friends wonder how I can allow pain to grow to the point where I am grey and dull looking to them without my being aware of it.

I think I found out the reason for this.  I was not feeling at all well earlier and I realised that I needed to take my pills mainly because I am on a new one which requires me to take every eight hours.  I took the 12 pills I need to take and within 45 min I was feeling fine, just tired.  It was then that I realised that it is when the pain is all over from head to toe that I don’t recognise it as pain.  I just start to feel terrible.  It is not until I have taken the drugs and the pain stops that I realised I was in pain.  This may not make sense to anybody else but it makes sense to me.

  One of the drawbacks of 24/7 pain is that one gets used to it and to a greater or lesser degree one pushes it into the background.  It is a bit like the sound of a buzzer going on for hours on end that you do not hear until it stops.

This sort of pain has to be treated by regular dosing to keep it at bay and using heavier drugs on top of regular dosing when needed.  The reason this is important is because pain causes damage to nerve endings and the longer it is untreated the more difficult it is to get on top of.  I used to only take drugs when the pain got to a certain pitch.  As a result of this, I had to take a large dose in order for it to work.  Whereas now the tide take a lower dose on a regular basis, I do not need to take much larger doses, with only smaller additions when needed.  For example when I swim.  Any sort of strain, like dog shows, require more drugs.  However even dog shows now are dealt with with less drugs in a dose than I used to take when I waited until I was really in a lot of pain.

Anyway, the whole point is I realise this evening that what I interpret this feeling unwell is actually un-centred pain, pain that is all over the body, specifically my muscles and joints all of which is connected to my crumbling spine. 

I still find it difficult to take drugs when I am not in agony but I have learned that it is necessary and the reasons for it are quite logical. However, I am stubborn and I often do not take my midday dose because I am going to have a nap and I think it can wait.  Then I wonder why I awake from my nap feeling crap!

 

ACCEPTANCE

I mentioned on a knitting machine list and on Facebook that I am dumping a whole load of yarn and I really regret doing so.  Despite the fact of some people already knowing, and  me reminding others that I have a physical problem and therefore cannot use this, I am still getting horrified comments.

I am too ill to use this stuff.  I am never going to get better.  In fact I am going to get worse.  I do not need a mountain of yarn taunting me everyday and clogging up my house. 

I tried to sell this stuff I no one was interested. Now it seems everyone wants it. It is too late.

I am glad to be free of this and I have not even finished yet.  The car is loaded and is off to the tip very soon.  Then it will be loaded again.  And again.  And maybe even again.

I am keeping my  cashmere and llama and silk mixes.  All the luxurious stuff and the four ply wool. All the very fine (thin) stuff is being dumped.  As lovely as this yarn is by the time I will have wound it suitable for knitting I will be too knackered to actually knit.

I may look all right but I am not.  It is obvious that I use sticks to walk. I can’t even do that very long so when I go out shopping I use an electric wheelchair, of which I have two.  Perhaps it is not obvious that every single thing that I do hurts and tires me.  Whether it be making a coffee, grooming a dog, getting dressed or undressed (which is why I am mainly seen in my “loungewear”), knitting at a knitting machine even with a motor. I don’t like to go on about my disease but it seems the drawback to this is that people do not have a clue and make remarks that I find hurtful.

Do you really think that dumping this yarn is easy for me?  Surely any serious knitter and yarn connoisseur doesn’t need to be told that this is a painful and sad thing for me to be doing.  It is as difficult for me as it was to have Nechung put to sleep last Monday.

Doing this is me accepting my physical degeneration after years of keeping my yarn mountain kidding myself that one day I was going to find a way of getting back into full-time designing knitting and selling. 

My mind and my desire have not degenerated and in fact I am more creative now than I ever was and as I sorted through my yarn mountain I had to keep the ideas at bay, close my mind to it and just dump.

I am also going to rid myself of a couple of machines in my knitting room itself.  Probably the Passap E6000 and Duo 80, both with motors.  I find these the most challenging machines to use with my condition.  They also take up the most room.  Once I have more room I am sure that I will spend more time with the machines that are left.

I am sure, by the way,that no one set out to hurt my feelings.  I know that they did not.  All of this is wrapped up with me just accepting the limitations that my disease has put upon me.  It seems to me that the last few weeks since my holiday has all been about this.  I was watching something on the TV about Peru, a place I want to visit, and I realised that I never will. Many of the places I would like to see are now not possible.  Not even Paris! Nor London! Yes I know that by law they are supposed to be accessible to handicapped people.  The law is not followed.  Anyway the point is that it is not just for now that I can’t visit these places.  It is for ever.  I will NEVER be able to.  In just the same way I will never get back to designing and knitting in the way that I used to.

I do not give up easily.  Having realised on our recent German holiday that Barcelona was out of the question I have since done my research and have discovered that there is indeed a way for us to do Barcelona that will not kill me.  We can get the Eurostar all the way to Avignon where I will hire a car and drive on to Barcelona 260 miles away.  A week later we will get the Eurostar back to England.  Not only that, wheelchair users and their carer, get very cheap tickets! Where there is a will there is a way. Now,it would seem that the train will open up more places for us to be able to visit.

I am an optimistic person and I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself.  However, just like everybody else, I need time to adjust to things.  I am not perfect.  I am not at all happy with my physical degeneration but there is fuck all I can do about it.I am going through an adjustment and mourning period and I really don’t need people to be on my back over it.

Just a few facts: pain is tiring.  The drugs do not get rid of 100% of the pain.  The drugs do not deal with fatigue.  For me to be able to do a dog show, I take a minimum of 24 pills, the combination of several different drugs, for my heart, my gut, my liver, my brain, and pain killers-paracetamol, tramadol, and morphine.  I need a full two days to recover from a dog show.

I neither expect nor want people to fuss over me. I hate that.  If I need help I will ask for it.  I am not too proud to ask for help when I need it.  What I do not need is people on my back over the things I have to do or the things I cannot do.  I may dress well and look well but you will just have to accept the fact that I am not.

THRESHOLD

I had an uncomfortable night with pain but I still got up at 6:30 AM.I took my normal pills and I wondered if I would actually go swimming.  After I had done my banking and e-mails I was still feeling very sore took some more morphine.  This means that I took double the usual amount.

By the time I got to the pool I was feeling okay.  The real surprise came when I got into the pool.  As soon as I started to swim I felt no pain or strain at all.  Only at the end of my 50 min swim did I feel as though I had been doing something though I was still not sore, just a little discomfort in my left thigh and hip.

It seems to me that what I have considered normal, the pain and strain I normally experience when I start to swim which I get used to the longer I swim, is perhaps not normal after all.  I am thinking this because the double dose stopped it.

I do not intend making a habit of taking a double dose.  I can cope quite well with one dose but at least I now know that on really difficult days all I have to do is take double.

John, my friends, and my doctor, all think I have a high pain tolerance.  I do not know if I do or don’t.  I certainly know that it took me an awful long time to take paracetamol and tramadol as a matter of course to stop the pain building up.  I found it very difficult to do because it felt wrong to take painkillers when I wasn’t in serious pain. I learned the logic of it though.  By taking a regular amount of drugs it stops the pain building up. As a result one needs less medication to do the job.  I also found out that constant pain causes nerve damage and makes it much more difficult to treat.

With the morphine I am never sure whether I am just mentally feeling better for taking it or am I mentally feeling better because I am physically feeling better?  As I write this I now remember that on our holiday when we were in Nuremberg I felt really sore and ill late afternoon on the Saturday.I took my morphine and although within half an hour the pain had subsided I actually still felt ill so other than dialling down the pain it did not make me feel any better and we went back to the hotel.  This is one of the benefits of writing – one can often answer one’s own question!

I did some dyeing last night and I have done some this morning.  When they are dry I will photograph them and post them.

I have found a gardener with very reasonable rates.  I cannot do the garden myself and John works all week and is tired at the weekend so he can well do without having to do something like the gardening. The man I asked to come and give me a quote for clearing up the garden also told me that he will come every two weeks to keep it in order and his fee is one we can afford.I was surprised at how low it was.  With the strange weather we have had, whereas normally the weeds and grass will not be growing now, both have overtaken the garden and it is now just too much work and because it is so wet there is little point in spraying poison on the weeds because it has to be dry for a least 12 hours after spraying.  We use a non-toxic to animals and humans spray.

I am thinking of closing my Yahoo group which was set up with the intention of teaching people my sock construction method.  It has 700 members but very little traffic.  It is not being used for the reason it was set up.  It would seem that I am not a good teacher and people do not understand either the method or my responses when I answer questions.  Matters are made worse by people answering questions when they do not know my method themselves which of course just adds confusion and frustration and I am the one who gets blamed for it.  I am very disappointed that it has turned out like this. My method is really very simple (even saying this has led to accusations that I think other people are stupid for not understanding when my intention was to help them stop thinking that they are too stupid to understand! It seems one cannot win no matter what one does or says!) and it produces a very well fitting sock and I really thought others would appreciate this and would jump at the chance of being set free from patterns.

However, it seems that people do not want that because I am constantly asked what the formula is or where is the pattern no matter how many times I explain that this is a method and there is no formula or pattern.

I will think upon this but this is how I feel today. When people ask for toe up patterns on other sock lists they are rarely, if ever, directed toward my method.  I am quite certain that if any of the Knitting Queens had developed this method people would be falling over themselves for it.  I could of course be quite wrong. My experience on knitting lists over the years has been that often my answers to questions have been ignored or contradicted yet when a well-known female knitter has responded with the exact same answer the response is entirely different. A standout example of this is when people ask how to deal with cashmere.  Often my response is completely dismissed with one questioner being very blunt: is there someone else with a more sensible answer?  My 30 years of knitting dismissed in a sentence. (I once had the temerity to point this attitude toward me out on a list which resulted in a very unpleasant response and an accusation of misogyny! The accusation made no sense whatsoever but the response rather showed that I was hardly mistaken in my interpretation!)

Oh dear!  Is this Grumpy Old Man syndrome?

WELL I NEVER

When I put the cones in my online shop, I really had my doubts they would sell. I put up 6. In less than 24 hrs, 5 have sold. So much better than Ebay. None of the hassle. It s going to be a pretty full time job to get shot of all this yarn but it must be done. I can’t stomach the idea of binning it.


I have been dyeing and I have learned a lot recently. First, I have learned that unlike Kemtex dye powder, Landscape and Gay Wool (behave!) dyes must be put into boiling water to dissolve. I have also found that dye is best used cold and painted onto cold yarn. I wash my hanks first, I don’t soak them. I also found I do not need to use anywhere near the amount of dye I have been. Today I dyed 4 hanks from the same mixtures. After the first, I diluted and dyed another hank, then diluted and dyed another and then diluted and dyed another. I didn’t reach pastel! Yes the colours grew less strong but did not pale as much as I thought they would so clearly I am using too much to start off with, even for the strongest colours I need less dye to make it strong. This means that all he dyes I have will last me long long time.
I feel so content recently. I only wish my body would allow me to do more though I am grateful for what I can do.
I have really learned how not to hassle myself and let pride get in the way. I swim Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don’t force myself to and I don’t force a particular amount of laps. I stop when I know I must.
Of the seven dogs, only two are coated. That really was a hard decision to make but it is the right one fro them and for me.
Today, I am just about done in. I am sore and tired so instead of forcing myself to carry on, I am resting. That demon whispering in my ear all the time about me being lazy and good for nothing is dead.
I am flattered that my hand dyed yarns are selling so well.
We should have the car next week. We were going to Edinburgh for 5 days on Easter Sunday but have cancelled. The weather is crap. They reckon up there is getting 8 inches this next couple of days. Here is blowing fiercely with rain and black clouds with worse to  come. The wind blew the dogs over when they wanted to go out. They changed their minds and came back in. Did I mention that I have taught Luque, six years old, to give his paw? I find that amazing. I don’t use treats, just praise.
We have re booked Edinburgh later. I am determined I WILL see that city! John has loads of times and all I know who have been say it is gorgeous.
The heat sensations are to do with C7 vertebrae compressing nerves. I was offered Gabapentin, and epilepsy drug which also deadens nerve pain but I didn’t take the offer. I take 20+ pills a day as it is. Besides, it isn’t so bad and the pk’s take care of it mostly.I just Googled Gabapentin. You should see the side effects! F*ck off! No way!)
I am watching Series 3 of The Secret Diary of A Call Girl starring Billie Piper. It is very good. Funny. Moving. Billie Piper is beautiful and an excellent actress. She is beautiful whilst still being real, her face has character.

BURN UPDATE

By this morning my burned hand had become much more painful. The skin has peeled off my index finger and is red/white and bloody now. I have had to have special burn dressings on it and the person who did it was ever so thoughtful and made sure it was wrapped in such a way that I can still knit. I can. Now i have just to be sure I can do it myself when I need to change the dressing tomorrow. I am told it could take two weeks to heal! Bugger, I hope not. Note to self: remember rubber gloves when removing hot items from microwave. (This was a steam burn because as I was lifting it out, the film covering pinged off and the steam shot out onto my hand. At least i did not drop the bowl.)

BLOODY LIARS

I know get my drugs from Tesco because it is much easier. On the off chance I asked the pharmacist there (it was he who dealt with my hand) about having my drugs in bottles. ‘Sure,’ he says! What ?!

It seems Boots and Lloyds lied to me about it not being legal. They just can’t be arsed to do it.

You should feel my thumbs which are still very painful after taking all those pills out of their blister packs.

I will order my drugs well in advance so they have time to bottle them for me.

EVIDENTIAL

John and I went to listen to a talk and demonstration. I received a spirit communication and yet again I was given evidence that discarnate beings do indeed know precisely what is going in my life, how I feel about it, and what I am thinking, and the questions I have floating around my mind. Not only that, but the day to day stuff going on like the Tax situation. Once again my mother communicated, giving as evidence our troubled past. None of this was hints or guesswork, but blunt and to the point. Yet more evidence all leading to the same conclusion: Consciousness doesn’t die.

HAVING A DUMP

This house is full of stuff. The flat is full of stuff. Too much stuff. We need to get rid of stuff. So today that is what we are going to do, sort out stuff and dump stuff. Some stuff will be sent to the charity shops (like manual wheelchair, books and other stuff. Any usual stuff.) Other stuff will go to the tip.

This ought to leave us more room for stuff.

I detest the blister packs my drugs come in. So f*cking difficult to get that damn pill out without breaking it or dropping it. Look at the size of the blister compared to the pill! This is just on of the 22 pills a day I take. I did ask that I have them in bottles but no, that seems to be against some rule or other but I could have them in a little tray marked off for each day of the week. Not only would I have to get a weekly refill but they couldn’t get all my drugs in it anyway! F*cking bureaucrats! I don’t have children so it is perfectly safe to give the drugs in bottles. One of my drugs comes in a bottle anyway as I only get 10 at a time of them.

I came up with my own solution. I realised that the plastic waterproof tubs I use for my dyes would be perfect for keeping my drugs in. So last night, having taken enough to enable my hands to do it, I proceeded to get hundreds of the things out of those blister packs and into these tubs. It has freed up an awful lot of space (for more stuff) in my drug drawer. I no longer have to hunt through the packs for the one I want. You see, I would tip all the blister packs out of their boxes and into the drawer because it was the only I could get them all to fit. When I pick up my drugs, I am given two carrier bags full so you get the idea. Anyway, though it left my hands bloody sore, I have at least found a good solution that the bureaucrats can go ‘expletive’ themselves.

Which brings me neatly to my next dose of rambling.

Until recently, I was unaware that one of the main tenants of conservative politics was small government. I am all for less government interference in our lives. The govt since ‘97 has brought in more and more control laws. They are now even going to legislate to make it difficult for me to follow my dog showing/breeding hobby. They interfere far far too much.

So anyway, you’d think that would mean I will go and vote Conservative? Well no because despite that basic tenant, I believe they are lying about it. What they really mean is THEY do not want to have Government interfere with them (the rich) but they will interfere with the rest of us. The last lot DID interfere. Section 28 for instance. The Cons would never have brought in same sex marriage. Despite what they are saying now, I don’t believe they have changed. I have yet to meet a conservative who is truly for equal rights for all. I have yet to meet one who is aware that meritocracy doesn’t work for all sorts of reasons but mainly because we are not all equal in ability and brain power and physical health.

Put simply I really do believe in small government but I don’t believe in the Cons (Republicans). Yet I am completely turned off Labour(democrats) because they INTERFERE too much. We have the Lib Dems here and well I think they are off their rockers. Mr Cable thinks a tax ought to be brought upon those whose homes are worth more than a million. This tax would be something like £25,000 a year. Grossly unfair! Many of these homes are owned by people of low means and the only reason their house is worth that much is because during the 30 or so years they have lived in it, it has appreciated. Now where will these people find £25,000 a year to pay in tax? Pull the other one.

I don’t trust them I certainly don’t trust Cameron. I did do. i thought that having a disabled child, who died, had made him aware of ordinary people’s needs. I was stupid to think that. I have since found out that this man voted against the equalising of the age of consent for str8’s and gays and supported section 28. Now we are expected to think he is our friend. Plus, maybe his fiddling of expenses was only small but he still did along with most of the rest of the MP’s but we are now overlooking this.

I might have had a really good day on Thursday but was back to normal on Friday. It would seem I really can’t do more than 3 times week swimming now.

Friday was weird. I had to use my stick indoors mainly because my balance was really off. My hands refused to work properly and I cut myself deeply and then scalded myself. (Today the scald is a livid pink so I guess it was almost bad.) I also felt wounded all day. Quiet and still inside but wounded. I think this is just another version of flashbacks. I didn’t experience any of the waking nightmare stuff. No sudden memories surfaced. Yet I felt the aftermath. I can’t really explain it any better than to say it feels like I am wounded and all I want to do is go to bed and curl into a ball and sleep.

We will go to Pannini’s shortly for brunch. I always enjoy that. The it will be back home for stuff dumping.

TOO MUCH

I think I have figured out what I have been doing wrong with my dyeing. The yarns, when I wash them in detergent, shed loads of colour. I thought maybe I hadn't used a strong enough amount of vinegar so I re cooked some in plenty of vinegar and the colour still ran out.

I then just washed and washed and could see that the run off became and less.

I went to eat dinner and then knitted some and it came to my mind that perhaps I was using too much dye. 4g per 100gm was the recommended. I used that an more for the several different colours I was using. I did so because when I used weaker solutions, it didn't seem to cover the yarn.

I dyed a hank in three colours. I used only 1 gram of dye per lot of water. I used my usual method to paint. It didn't look right at all but I went ahead and nuked it. By the time the process was complete, the colours were deep and vibrant! The only colour that has run, and only some, not loads, was black and that was the one I used more dye in.

I have realised that it is 1. the vinegar and 2. the heat which produces the colour and therefore I ought to ignore the yarn until AFTER those two things are done.

Part of the black is more grey looking. I think this is the area I did not make sure the dye went through.

I am ratehr p'd off with Parcelforce. I paid a hefty next day delivery charge only for them not to deliver today 'because of the snow'. The local small-time delivery service delivered my other parcel, yarn, today! I have yarn and no dyes!

This dyeing lark is fun to day the least and whilst it has been frustrating, at least I have learned for myself what works and what doesn't. Typical of me to go OTT with dyes. When I cook for people I cook enough for 6 when there are only two. Strange I am the opposite with my pain killers! ( I stopped taking the opiate ones and apart from increased pain I now feel okay about them because I didn't have any ill effects form not taking them so am not hooked.)

MHSOH

I ended up leaving negative feedback for the seller on Ebay. I hate to do that but was left with no choice. I was not happy for several reasons. I paid directly out of my PayPal balance-no bank account for card involved. Supposedly payment didn't get here till 23rd, 3 days after I paid. How come? I received yarn 7 days after I paid. I was also charged way over the cost of postage which was £2.65 and I was charged £4.30. I know packing costs, I do it all the time, but a plastic bag does not cost £1.65. I would have charged £3.15. Post cost and .50p for rest(bag etc).(oh and in case you don't know this, I would not get £3.15, but less than £3 as PP take a cut of ALL money that is paid to me.)

To make it worse, one of the hanks was only 88gm, not the stated 100gm. I wrote on Friday as soon as I knew this. I got this as a response:

We sell on an average hank weight at 18.25% moisture at 100gms in line with the standard regulations on these items, sometimes the yarn can dry out or fall below the physical weight dependant on the actual moisture content.

However, we do try to ensure that our yarns physically weight 100gms and if you are unhappy with an individual hank and can return this intact with the appropriate order number and details we can either refund this or replace it.

I wrote back immediately, having measured the yarn and knowing it was 50m short, 350 instead of 400m. I resisted the urge to comment that I resented being taken for a fool. I said I was happy to send the hank back, for a 100gm 400m replacement, at their expense. As of this evening, 3 whole days after my response, I have received no reply. I decided then I had done all I could. It really is annoying because they have other yarn I really would have bought, and bookmarked one set, not buying until this was cleared up. It wasn't cleared up so I didn't buy.I am aware that not all people are blessed with a SOH and that also humour doesn' necessarily travel well. However, I do wonder why people who normally do not comment, find the sudden urge do so when they feel aggrieved? It's rather like only speaking to be critical. Sad.

Today could have been better. I did have a good, if difficult swim. When the time came around for pills, I took different ones, two of them, and the pain was gone, all gone, within an hour. Unfortunately, I was then hit with a ravenous hunger. I won't do that again, take the two pills. Or maybe I should wait until after I have eaten a substantial lunch? I had eaten, about an hour before, but a light meal, an omelette.

Things are a bit nosiy here with the dogs all sexed up. Trouble is I am fairly certian that no sooner will Carly have ceased her season, Edna will start hers!

My second pair of home dyed socks are coming along well. Just a normal wool/nylon mix, again dyed with food colour. I am using a no hole lace pattern on them which I am pleased with, though i think it would look better on a plain coloured pair.

I have also found place that will make shoes or boots to my specifications. The colours and design I choose. Not expensive either though I will have to wait until I know what our exact financial position. I may not be able to. :(

I really need to knit up some sweaters on the machines. John dropped a rather large hint at the weekend! I have had some orange cashmere swatched up for me for months and still have not knitted it. I also owe Sarah one and haven't done that either. I will, it;s just not as easy as it was. I am trying to promise myself to knit these 3 pairs I have on the needles, and no more, until the sweaters are done.

NOW I GET IT!

Writing here really does me a lot of good. It generates responses. Those responses teach me, even if it takes repeating the same thing until the light comes on in my head. The light has come on regarding my pain drugs! I shall explain.

More than one person has suggested MJ to deal with my condition. This is amusing because I used to use MJ for precisely that reason, although I didn't know that was the reason. Makes sense? No of course not.

When I had my first MJ joint, I LOVED it. Yes, it made me laugh, yes it made sex wild, but most importantly I was able to let go and relax and I could keep still. I was able to sit still and watch tv or read. I didn't have to keep moving or get up and down. Bear in mind that in those days, I was shut off from my feelings. I was still in a dissociative state all the time.(as an example, I had a liver biopsy and had no pain relief because I was not present emotionally.)

Gradually my use of MJ increased. I gained weight, a lot of it. I also began to be able to think about my past with no feelings attached. This set me on the road to recovery. However, the MJ use was a problem. I saw it as a addiction, as did others. I stopped and always restarted. Whenever I stopped I felt awful. I couldn't sleep. I hurt all over. To cut this very short, I kept being told it was my imagination, there was no withdrawal from MJ use. What I did not know was, and nor did anyone else, and the Dr I had at the time could not have cared less, was that I was ILL! This was the reason the MJ had impacted me the way it had in the first place. It gave me pain relief more or less immediately. I was unaware of that. I know this sounds weird to those who do not experience 24/7 pain but you can have it and not be aware of it. I did used to complain to the Dr about not being able to be still. I know I woke at night when I moved because it hurt. No one seemed to take any of this on board so I thought it was NORMAL. That and the fact I had been taught all my life to 'not make a fuss' and besides that, it was always my 'imagination'.

When I did eventually stay off the MJ long enough, and the withdrawal did not go away, I don't know what I thought. I just accepted that I felt terrible and that it was probably my fault. I just got on with life as best I could.

Then I got my present GP of 11 years. She knew str8 away I was ill. She also knew I did not trust her or any medical professional. She waited until trust grew and also waited for me to tell her I was ill. I never did. Until I was rushed to hospital by a screaming ambulance. I was in much pain and it was assumed I was having heart attack. I wasn't and I knew I wasn't and I tried to tell them that but they knew better and basically told me to shut up.

I knew I wasn't because 1. the pain was not inside my chest and 2. this pain was just a worse version of pain I'd had for many years. The following morning the heart doctor told me I had not had a heart attack (duh!) but when had I injured my neck? HUH? I hadn't, I told him. Then why can't you move your head? Pardon? He showed me by telling me to follow his finger as he moved it. I moved only my eyes. He was right, my neck had very little movement. Okay, so this was when I started having all sorts of tests. And you know where I am today. Being treated properly and knowing what is wrong with me.

So what has this got to do with MJ and my pain meds? A lot!

You see, I considered myself an addict. I now see that as incorrect for the aforementioned reasons. However, I had learned a lot about addiction. Plus I am prone to feeling guilt/shame. I also knew that people who use drugs recreationally for for reasons other than they are supposed to, get hooked and are 'using'.

It could be argued that a lot of my 'education' on this subject was 'cult like'. To me, taking my pain meds when I was not in severe pain was using. So I have had this battle going inside me for years. It is why I had the script for Tramadol for 2 years before I gave in and took it. It is also why I didn't take the morphine when first prescribed. It doesn't quite explain the paracetamol as that is not in the same class but it was still a drug to me!

Basically, I had had a lot of addiction crap pumped into me by ignorant lay people who were addicts themselves and who assumed what applied to them applied to me. I was programmed by my past experiences to succumb to this 'education'. So for years I have suffered pain and felt guilt / shame each time I succumbed and took the drugs.

This last few days I have taken my drugs on regular basis. I do now understand why this is necessary. Several health professionals and other pain suffers have written to me and explained why. It makes sense. Even the information with the Tramadol says it is for the treatment or PREVENTION of pain!!!! As a result I feel much better. The pain has dialled down a lot. Not to zero but enough.

I am very lucky in that I feel no side effects at all from my drugs, either in mood or in feeling sick. The only side effect I get is pain relief.

I am somewhat surprised at the amount of trepidation and shame I have felt while writing this. I knew that to explain my issue with the pain meds, which doesn't make sense without the whole picture, would mean me explaining my MJ history and my involvement with 'recovery groups' and how that has f*cked up my thinking about my situation. I still feel shame about taking the drugs. I don't about taking the drugs for my heart and intestines. I take them, no questions. I just learned that to take drugs for pain relief was using.

I also recall a woman at the meetings who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and once she was taking morphine for it, she was asked to stop coming to the groups as her 'using' was affecting others. Appalling I know but you know for someone like me, susceptible then to cult like pressure, my shame around drugs grew and grew. It was as if this poor woman was not well enough to cope with her disease without using! That seemed to be the attitude.

Gosh, I hadn't realised the depth of screwed up thinking around this. Just goes to show that no matter how far one has come, there is always further to go.