Wednesday, June 05, 2013

CHOOSING LIFE

  So this is what I have been doing today. I knitted the back and front and collar of this sweater. The yarn is 2/28 and a cashmere and cotton mix. The sweater is going to be for myself. When it is finished I will photograph it so that the colour is more true to life. It is a lovely orange.

Above are some yarns that I have dyed.  These will go into my Knitman's Kitchen shop.
   Those who have read my blog on a regular basis know that I have written extensively about my life and about recovery from childhood trauma, namely physical emotional and sexual abuse. I am able to do this without it having a negative effect upon myself. In fact I find my interaction with other people who write to me as a result of what they read on my blog to be very positive.

 However, what I am not good at is debating or campaigning  or constantly reading about the terrible things human beings do to human beings.

Recently an idea had begun to float around in my mind that perhaps reading all the articles that people posted on Facebook or sent to me directly was perhaps not good for me. Then a friend mentioned in passing that perhaps it wasn't a good idea that I got so involved. Then much to my surprise my husband said very forcefully to me that he thought it was my involvement  in this that was causing me to have difficulties in my own life. He felt that I was just constantly reliving the pain of my past.

About 10 days ago I quite simply stopped. I stopped reading articles. I stopped commenting on articles. I ignored racist comments. I ignored homophobic comments. I ignored religious fundamentalists.

As a result, I find myself much more at peace and in a much better mood! It wasn't actually that easy because I felt that I was burying my head in the sand by doing this and that I was somehow betraying abuse survivors and those who are still being abused. Strangely writing about the subject on my blog or replying to the heartbreaking letters that I get does not cause me any difficulties at all. I feel that I am giving to these people that which has helped me. This way of helping helps me. However debating and campaigning and constantly speaking up is not for me. I am unable to do that and remain detached at the same time.

John very rarely says anything to me forcefully nor does he give his opinion unasked.  The fact that he did certainly made me listen  and because I trust him I was able to see that what he was saying was true. I recalled leaving the forum about a year ago precisely because it unsettled me greatly. I was thus able to see what John was talking about. However, I felt that to stop doing what I was doing was betrayal but having spoken it through with John and I realise that that is not the case.

Consequently I find I have more time for myself and doing the things that I enjoy doing like knitting and dyeing yarn and just being with my dogs. I play with them and talk to them and take care of their needs. I find I am much lighter  in mood.

John and I also discussed my medications. I have had a hard time accepting my use of painkillers since I started in 2007. Prior to that I just lived with the pain and to be frank I have absolutely no idea how I managed that. It wasn't until I took my first dose of painkiller that I realise just how much pain I had been putting up with. Yet I've never really been able to shake the ideas that I'm doing something I'll not to be doing. I constantly worry about whether the drug is killing the pain or altering my mood. When I spoke about this with my doctor she laughed and she said I should hope it does alter your mood! She said of course you are feeling like you are high because you are not in pain. She said you only had to look at my face. But she assured me that my changing countenance was due to a lack of pain.  However, I have not really come to terms with this.  I give myself a hard time about it as a result. So anyway, the other day I said to John that I really did not like being dependent upon drugs. His response was that he understood that but that I had a choice. I take the drugs and have a life or I don't take the drugs and go back to not having a life. He is right. Without drugs I could not go to dog shows. I could not even take care of the dogs. I could not go to Tesco let alone go out for the day. Holidays would be out of the question. 

Prior to 2007 I did these things but with great difficulty. I was also a very difficult person to be around and to live with. And of course since 2007 my disease has progressed somewhat so there is no going back!   Perhaps I will come to terms with this though it would help if I could figure out  exactly what it is about medication for pain that bothers me. I have absolutely no qualms at all about taking my heart and my gut medication. I am fairly certain it is not a roundabout way of not accepting my disease. I think I have a good attitude with regard to that and I know that there is no cure and that it is progressive and that I get worse as time goes on. I never find myself sitting feeling sorry for myself about that or even sitting and giving it much thought at all.  from the moment I understood my condition I never thought "what if?" I didn't go running around looking for cures. No instead  I gradually found ways of living with it and making my life easier-walking sticks, wheelchair, electric bed, memory foam pillows-and losing weight.  None of those things bother me. The drugs do. I am uncertain as to why. I have deliberately not taken them and the way that I felt was absolutely no different to the way that I always felt. In other words I didn't feel anything other than dreadful and much pain. Just like I did for the years leading up to finally agreeing to take pain medication. So why cannot I not feel comfortable taking them?
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