Tuesday, March 29, 2011

POUSSEZ

This has been a strange few weeks.  Almost 4 weeks to be precise.  It was that time ago that my doctor prescribed me the new drug. It has been working very well I am pleased to say.  The best thing of all is that I’m able to sleep.  Usually four hours without waking up, sometimes almost 6. I am astonished at the difference just being able to sleep makes to my daily life.  Know it has not done away with the fatigue, no it does not enable me to go on as if there is nothing wrong, but it has certainly improved the quality of my life.

A never ending source of friction, puzzlement, and hurt is other people! I have felt pressured by other people do what they want me to do.  I have found myself speaking my mind and standing up for myself and not being bamboozled into doing things I do not want to do.  This does not come easy for me but I have to say it is easier than I ever would have thought it would be.Not only that it is much less stressful for me in the long run because I do not berate myself for yet again not standing up for myself. I cannot control how other people react to this.  I am not rude or abusive.  I just state quite clearly how I feel and what I will or will not do. I guess if I lose the chance friendship by being myself and honest then I actually haven’t lost anything.

I truly think that because I am polite to everybody and friendly to most people that some people think I am a pushover.  Indeed I used to be a terrible people pleaser. Most people assume that people pleasers want everybody to like them.  That was only superficially the case with myself.  For me it was about keeping myself safe because my experience taught me that if I did not please people my life was in danger.  I now know that that is not the case and that just because somebody does not like me or is annoyed with something I have said or done they are not going to throttle me or beat me. I think when as a child you have been knocked out or had the hands of a fully grown adult male around your throat you learn that to displease is dangerous.  Unfortunately one it’s also too young to understand that one will never please those who behave like that.

In other words do not push me!

We are getting a new car.  The Ford Mondeo estate that we have is a beautiful car to look at and drive but a year later I accept that it is not a suitable car for me. Not only does Big Daniel not fit in it, unless he is taken apart, but the car is also a manual.  It is not fair to blame salesperson to not understanding my needs as I too am not very good at and placing my disability fist.  I think this is because the way I deal with it is by disassociation, which is not necessarily an unhealthy thing.  It enables me to leave the pain behind to a great extent.  However, it does have its drawbacks.When I was a child I disassociated for safety but in some situations it made me less safe because disassociation involves freezing and not reacting. Anyway, back to the point!  I was so impressed with the car itself I did not stop to think carefully about what my needs were.

The new car is a Ford Galaxy. It has an automatic transmission.  When I got in to it I turned so as to enter backwards and prepared myself for the drop to the seat. There was no drop.  When I got out, I just turned and stood up without having to haul myself upwards.  The seat itself was incredibly comfortable and the driving position was excellent.  The vehicle has excellent visibility all around.

A mechanical hoist will be fitted to the back, inside, and this will at the push of a button swing outwards and down and will pick up Big Daniel, move back up and deposit Big Daniel into the car. There is so much room in the Galaxy that I will be able to have all of my dog show stuff and Big Daniel in the car at once and probably my friends dogs and show stuff as well.

With this vehicle I will have more or less complete freedom.  Although I preferred to go out to a shopping mall  for the day somewhere with John, I will now be able to do this on my own.  It also means of course that John will not have to to exert himself either.

From the point of view of fuel consumption it is the same as the car I already have.  It has all the other features that the Mondeo has I accept that it has a key free ignition. One just pushes a button.

I have started another crochet item this time I am using Knitman’s Kitchen super lace weight at 1200m/100g.  I am using a 4 mm hook and it will be a wrap for my friend Gail.  The yarn is 50% Baby Suri Alpaca, 30% Xtrafine Merino, 20% Silk. I dyed it in pastel shades.

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