C’EST LA VIE

It is often said that people do not change. I think we do. Maybe our essence stays but we grow. If we want to. I am not even sure about the essence bit. Maybe by changing we just uncover what was already there?

I know that I have changed. Dramatically. For the better. Those who have known me only in the last 10 years will have noted a change in my weight and they way I dress. Those who have known me very much longer will have noted far more extensive change. No stutter. A positive attitude. Happy disposition.

For those who read my thoughts and are also in the recovery process, you need to know that as you change, so do those around you. By that I mean that you will have different people around you. You will repel some through your change and attract others.

I know that for me, I have gained new friends. I have lost old ones who cannot deal with the new Colin who is not helpless, easily manipulated, always agreeable.

At first I was resentful of the clearly altered relationships with some people. I could not understand how they could not like me now that I wasn’t scared all the time, not harming myself, not having panic attacks, not being so needy. It seems those people could only relate to the unstable, needy me I used to be and they too resented the changing relationship.

I no longer have some of those people in my life. Those close to me that have stayed have stayed because they truly wanted the change FOR me. It seems they always saw thru my damage to the real me.

I do have trouble with being  compassionate towards myself sometimes. I cringe when I remember how I used to be. How I let people use and abuse and manipulate me. I was so convinced I was bad, I never ever thought others might be coming from a place not so good and they did not have my interests to mind at all. Put simply, if you hit me, I would wonder what I did wrong. It never occurred to me that you would hit me just because YOU were the problem!

I have been shocked and saddened to discover that one or two people whom I thought really cared for ME were amongst those that did not and have now left my life. Once a persons true colours have flown, there is no going back.

There is no need to spend time hurt and resentful over these lost friends. Yes, feel it at first but then let it go. To me, I always come back to what I DO have. Not just the good friends in my life but most importantly the new ME. A me I can live with and be at peace with. A me no longer self harming, running scared, and being the yes man.

I would not trade that for anything. Not friendship. Not love. Nothing.

UNWANTED BAGGAGE

I have been dyeing some tweed effect sock yarn. I like this yarn very much.

Whilst I was doing it I was ruminating about what happened at Friday’s dog show with regard to these friends of ours for the last 30 years.

I think what I am so shocked by is how I grossly misjudged the woman’s character. I am still completely dismayed at her smug self-righteousness as she looked at me and said “well you didn’t send the pedigree”!  What sort of mean-spirited nasty piece of work ends a 30 year friendship because of an unposted pedigree?  Especially when said friend (me)  has been more than a friend is expected to be.  (The pedigree business was an outright lie anyway and was just an excuse but one that revealed her true nature.)

Over the years I gave them an awful lot of financial help.  I listened to her as she complained about how badly this person or that person had treated her and regaled me with stories of the awfulness of people, with her of course being the hard done by and put upon star of the story. I fell for it hook line and sinker. 

I met them when I was emotionally unbalanced and very vulnerable and because she acted the Earth mother with me, I was hooked.  Even though in latter years I began to notice that I was being taken advantage of I still made excuses for her.  I would never, ever ever, have believed that she was so far away from the person that I thought she was.

The good that has come out of this is yet again confirmation that I really ought to take notice of my gut feeling.  My doubts about them have been confirmed.  Had I said something as I wanted to back in 2005, I would forever have been haunted by guilt and self doubt.  It is good that the truth came out now without me having to do anything or say anything.  I guess people’s true nature eventually reveals itself.

I am not plagued with self-doubt or feelings of guilt.  I was a good friend to these people and it is they who did not deserve me.  I used to think I owed them because she had been motherly towards me and on more than one occasion she more or less said as much. It never once occurred to me how good a friend to them I truly was.

I could have said so much on Friday.  And other people would have heard what I had to say.  I do not regret keeping quiet because I did the right thing.  No matter how nasty she was I rose above it and refused to play dirty.

I will keep my own counsel until my dying day with regard to them and so will John. Neither of us will ever tell what we know. The only possible reason for either of us to open our mouths would be vindictiveness and neither of us are vindictive. Truth will out as they say, so it is really unnecessary for us to do or say anything.

In the end they have to live their lives and with the consequences of their attitudes and actions just as we all do.

If I were in a bad mood I might easily say that I feel like I have been treated badly and have wasted 30 years of friendship on people who did not deserve it.  I agree they did not deserve my generosity, my love, and my kindness but I do not agree that I’ve wasted 30 years of friendship with them because I have learned a great deal from this experience.

I really am astonished at the growth I have experienced internally.  Only a few years back this would have devastated me.  It would have filled me with terror and I would have been desperately hurt and I would have been trying to find a way of fixing it because of course I would have taken the complete blame.  I am not that person anymore and I know that I am not to blame and I know that I do not need them.

The big relief to me is that I no longer have to fret about them because I was always worried and never felt totally at ease because I always felt that their so-called love of me was conditional.  In fact I am fairly certain that this situation has arisen because I had the temerity to say no to them.  No was something I was always afraid to say because I thought that this would happen if I did.  I have been proved right in that they certainly do not like being told no but I have been proved wrong in its effect on me.  Underneath the shock and the anger and the disbelief that I could have got her character so wrong I am just relieved that I no longer have to give this any thought.

I really do not need to be told not to dwell upon this.  This only happened on Friday and I cannot pretend it didn’t nor can I pretend that I have processed it all by today! It will take time all of this to melt away but it is most certainly a lesson that I will never forget.

IT’S MORE THAN A PAIN IN THE ARSE

If you asked John he would tell you that I rarely mention my pain problems and that I just get on with it.  In fact, he would tell you that I do more than I ought to and neglect to take into consideration my limitations more often than I ought.

It is not easy for me to write what I’m about to write but it has got to the point that it is really started to bother me.

I am not really talking about people who do not know me I am talking about friends. People that I care about.

I think that mostly they have absolutely no idea at all what living with 24/7 pain is really like.  Do they think that because I’m smiling I am not hurting?  Do they think I just have a sore knee?  Or maybe a toothache?  Or that my muscles are sore after a workout at the gym?  All that my legs hurt because I’ve been on them all day? I really have no idea what they think and whilst I do not need or want to be treated as a totally helpless person, I would appreciate some understanding.

Imagine if you can what it might be like to NEVER be comfortable.  Not even with painkillers.  No, not even morphine works 100%.  The only thing that does work is a drug that knocks you out cold and of course one cannot take such drugs without causing more problems.  Anyway, back to my point.  I am never ever free of pain.  If I say I am having a good day it means that my pain is less than usual and if I am having a bad day then the pain is much more than usual.  I never get any time off. I never have a good night’s sleep. In order for me to change position I have to wake up and struggle myself into a different position.  I am rarely sleep for more than two hours at a time.  A good night’s sleep for me is four hours without waking up.I also have to get out of bed a minimum of twice every night and that in itself is a pain to say the least!

I feel the need to point this out because it seems to me that people expect that I am always polite and calm in my emotions. No one seems to give me any leeway at all if I speak out of turn or if I get offended for no apparent reason or if I over react to a minor slight or even to a non-existent slight.

I am not asking any of you to feel sorry for me that is the last thing that I want.  I am asking that you try and bear in mind that I may not look ill to you that I am and it takes its emotional toll upon me.  This last week has been particularly hard on me with the flu as well and a new-born litter.  YOU may be able to take all this in your stride but the toll it takes upon me is heavy and the way it shows is that I become overemotional and touchy.  So please do not judge me harshly for those times when I am not all sweetness and light.

My friends are very important to me and I respect and love them and I always give benefit of the doubt to them and to others.  I only ask that you do the same for me. 

Thank you for reading.

Oh DEAR.....

On Friday I felt particularly good. I'd had a crap week and Luque and Nechung had gone without a bath. I needed to bath Whitney for the show. So I did all three of them plus Bridget.

By bed time, my right hand and right ribs and shoulder were all hurting and when I awoke my right hand was almost unusable. I can't open bottles with it nor grip. It is still the same this Sunday morning.

Okay, so I learned, yet again, that just because I am having a good day does not mean I am miraculously cured. It also does not mean I don't have to take care and pace myself.

Most importantly, I have learned that two dogs is the most I could possibly show because of the preparation. I can't believe how much my hand hurts nor how little I can use it right now.

At the show I also met Marion from Holland whom I first met at the World Show in Dortmund in 03.It like Marion and it was good to see her again.

There is a clique of people who live near me. They don't talk to me, have not had anything to say about Whitney's success despite me congratulating them when they have had success. So what? What does get my goat is that when John is with me, they speak to him like a friend!!! F'ng hypocrites.

I had a very difficult phone call last night from a friend. I had been aware that there had been a distance between us. Since I have changed at core, I knew this was not my fault. I didn't know what it is was about. It had crossed my mind it might be because of Whitney's success but that didn't feel right. I found out last night.

Other people have become friendly toward me and amongst those people are people who have hurt my friend deeply. My friend thought they would try and get me away from her and ruin our friendship. It took a while of heated discussion before she cried and told me the truth about how she was feeling. I had already figured it out and my heart went out to her. I knew EXACTLY how she was feeling. I have been there. I knew how insecure she felt. I assured her that I was her friend and only she could change that, that others could not. I assured her truthfully, that nothing had ever been said to me about her, that these other people were not that close and we just passed the time of day. I am not sure my friend took all this in. The conversation went on for ages with her getting more and more upset and I was trying hard not to be offended. I told her that I am not the person she fears I am, that I have integrity and she had to choose to trust me or not. The choice was hers. I then told her good bye as I didn't see any benefit in talking around in circles. Oh, and I also made it clear that NO ONE tells me who to be friends with and who not to be, including her. Anyway, I would prefer very much that we remain friends and I hope that is what she chooses because if she doesn't she has let these people hurt her again but this time at her behest.

Honestly, we never grow up really do we? The same feelings we have as children are still there as adults.

I have had to open yet another non payment case on Ebay. A person bid and won on 4 of my items and has not paid and has not contacted me or responded to my contact. I have no other way of selling so I have to stick with this, I do not want to just dump my stash. Fortunately most buyers and bidders are decent people some are not and some are a PITA. I am also really ticked off with those who do not bother to leave feedback or even let me know that their yarn arrived.

Another benefit of my blog-writing down the stuff that bothers me gets it out of my system.

I really want to be taking pain killers this morning but I can't. I took long acting ones last night and the 12 hours are not up yet. Really, I think these slow release pills are crap.

SINGLE SEX RELATIONS

It really surprises me that so many women now behave as aggressively and rudely as many men have always done. In the pool this morning, a woman deliberately swam into my way, I saw her looking to make sure, and when I asked her to 'excuse me, please' she said no and mouth off at me. She then got out of the pool in huff and deliberately kicked me as she did so. From where she was she couldn't have done it accidently.

Last night in the supermarket, yet again I had to contend with a woman leaning right over my lap, thus preventing me moving, whilst she got what she wanted, with not so much as a word or a look in my direction.

All of my friends are women. I have no male friends at all apart from John. I have no idea why. I can understand not having str8 male friends but I don't have gay male friends either. As far as I am aware, no men follow my blog.

The last time I had male friends was when I was a boy, pre puberty. Once I sprouted, that was the end of my male friendships.

Until last year I had no male singer sin my collection of music. Oh I had the odd pop song by a man, but all the albums I buy are by women. Last year I found I really liked James Blunt and I have both his albums. i mentioned this to a str8 sales person in a music shop and his response was 'he sings like a girl'!!!

In the past I thought the explanation for the lack of male relationships was my fear of men. I still have that fear but not as much as I used to. However, as I also don't have gay male friends, and men str8 or gay, seem not to take to me, I guess it isn't my fear of them or str8 men's fear of me.

I DO have men in my life but they are husbands of female friends. I like them and they like me. I feel comfortable with them and they with me. Three have a paternalistic attitude towards me, I think, and the other treats me like a woman.

I was once told by a woman that the reason I get on with women so well was not the reason I thought. I assumed it was that they felt comfortable with me because they knew I wasn't going to try to get into their knickers. She told me it wasn't that. She said talking with me was like talking to her girlfriends - she didn't have to explain because I thought the same way.

I don't know about that but I do know that John and I think very differently. He can't multitask, I can. Ask him how his day was and he will tell what he did. I will tell you how I feel. I remember anniversaries and birthdays etc. He doesn't. I cry at sad films, he doesn't and thinks I am soft. 'it's only a film'. He often doesn't know which dog is which and that was worse when I kept lots of cats. I'd ask him to bring Doris to me and he would say ' which one is that?', yet he lived with them. We only had 4-6 cats and they all lived indoors. Plus the things my female friends say about their male partners makes me fairly certain that the only gay thing about John is me. He even watches sport on tv!!! Ick!

Oh and I also have lesbian friends so it isn't just that certain str8 women like gay men. I don't know why my life in this respect is so one sided. It amuses me that most of the time, other men, str8 ones, will treat me with the same attitude as they do women or paternalistically. When we have attended dinner parties or other mixed gatherings, John is always 'with the boys' and they automatically leave me with the women.It isn't overt, but it happens every time.

EDIT: it is possible I have misunderstood the comment left to this post, but I did not mean to imply at all that the bad behaviour of the woman in the pool or the others was anti gay bigotry. No, it was just bad behaviour. I don't wear a big sign saying 'gay'!
And in the pool I am almost naked and submerged with goggles on so even less likely to
stand out as gay. Unless you know something I don't......
EDIT 2: oh dear. I forgot my on line friend Steve and I know Fred reads here too. I am so sorry for my clumsiness and crap memory here.

What A Difference....

....drugs make! I have been taking the new night time pain drug for 1 week. From the first night, I slept 6 hours without waking and no spasms round my thoracic region. It's only 10mg of Amitriptyline but it works wonders. Have slept really well every night since. It stops the spasms but does little if anything for the usual aches and pains.

I have had to start taking meds an hour before I go to swim now as my shoulder sockets really act up now. Plus the pain in my right hand's knuckles has actually stopped me knitting this evening, despite a 1.6 gm drug combo....

Weird. I seem to be having less problems with my lower back, hips and legs, unless I walk a while, than usual and now have it where I didn't really have it before, or maybe I just didn't notice! I know I haven't been able to move my neck properly for a few years now.

Okay, so that is the pain moan over.

I am feeling generally good. I went to see a hypno man on Monday and now do a self hypno cd daily. It really works for me. I relax. Deeply. This is the whole idea. I had a consult with him last year when I was still going thru that anguish. He said he didn't feel he could help with my grief but certainly felt he could help with my hypervigilance which he noticed str8 away. Funny, you can live with something so long, like all your life, and not realise you are doing so. Anyway, I shall have a couple more one to one sessions with him and continue to use this cd. I am definitely feel more relaxed generally. I am sure I only surveyed my surroundings a few times today.... ;-)

I put two sweaters on Ebay but there seems little interest. I am wondering if it is time I faced facts and started to get rid of my equipment and yarn. Actually doing so seems too much to do. Yes, I can stick to handknitting but how long will my disease let that be?

We got a new family member on Tuesday. Milly, a red mini longhaired Dachshund. She is gorgeous. Hopefully she will not have the coat eating gene. Her mum, who I bred(Mouse), did eat other dogs hair and neither did her mum, my Alice who now lives in St Paul's Cathedral, London with a vicar there.

I finally finished the last Harry Potter book last week having bought it and started to read it the first day it was out! Trouble, I only read in bed and I now fall asleep after a page or two! It wasn't the book, which I enjoyed, but my inability to stay awake. I ma now reading a Da Vinci Code type thriller and having the same trouble with falling asleep.

I have frogged Popeye and reknit it toe up, using a different version of my Andersson Heel. I had initially knitted Popeye top down, with the leg ribbing having been machine knit. I really was not happy with it.

We have a friend, whom I met on the Joni Mitchell Discussion List, coming to stay for the weekend. Her name is Lieve and she is originally from Belgium. She informs me that the last weekend she came was two years ago!!!!!

Oh and I now have a Radar key. What is that? You might well ask because I ought to have to have been told by my medical people or the benefits people. I found out because I need to use a loo when out in public and could not use the disabled loo because one needed a special key for it. How stupid I thought. Just as I was about to wheel away another wheelchair person came up and told she explained to me about the Radar key system and how I could get one. Well I got one today. I had to pay for it too!

Really, in France and Germany etc I get to park for free and also for unlimited time. Here I have to pay and only get to park for 3 hours on the street. Now. I HAVE to use a car. I can't get anywhere without one. It is NOT a choice. Mainland Europe have the right attitude to we mobility impaired people. They don't add insult to injury by making us pay for our lack of mobility. Here in the UK they just patronize us, charge us for daring to be an inconvenience, and pay lip service to disability rights.

I am so lucky that my mobility varies and that I am not stuck permanently in a wheelchair. If I were, I'd be up shit creek without a paddle unless I moved to Germany or somewhere like.