Thursday, July 09, 2009

Changed

I don't know, sometimes life is just too damn hard. I seem to have run out of (click) spoons completely. I started off the week feeling crap and have just felt worse and worse until today I feel so low I have no energy and think life is too much to handle. It takes so much effort and I wish I could just quit. I'd like to vegetate and do f*ck all. I can't. I can't stay still because if I do so, I seize and the pain is worse. Pain usually stops me keeping still anyway. I am so tired. Last night was bad pain wise and for some reason I was back and forth to the loo with the poos, just water eventually. Now today, although I did post off the Ebay stuff, I am just about keeping my head above water. I have a show Saturday and I really don't feel like going. I want to sleep. The only way I can completely switch off is morphine and a muscle relaxant but I can't do that unless I am in severe pain and I am not, just that nagging dull pain that is always there. I do get pissed off sometimes and can't always be chipper about life. I also sometimes think life would be so much better without most people. I might be one of them.

Edit: a few hours later, I do feel better mentally. I helped that a friend wrote to say they were feeling the same: 'dark inside'. Trouble with me is that I automatically feel ashamed when I don't feel happy. Feeling sad or depressed or just crap is not allowed. Oh, I know it is allowed, and is normal, but still I react with shame and that of course makes me feel worse.
One thing I am proud of though is how I handle this now. I get on and do things-like listing on Ebay, washing up, knitting etc instead of harming myself which is what I always used to do. BLIMEY! I even have a drawer full of drugs I could make myself feel better with, but I haven't. I really am different. I don't mean I am sitting here in physical pain and refusing to take the meds, I mean I have not used the meds, as I could with the right mix, to make me fell 'happy'. They are not for that. I feel proud of that too. Oh and nor have I attacked a litre of Haagen Daz. What on earth happend to me?
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