TALL POPPIES

I have always known that being open about my past leaves me vulnerable to sick and cruel or just plain ignorant people. I have had my share of evil comments here and I even had a stalker for a while. I handled them fine.

Just very recently, I wrote a short version of my past in response to something that warranted the explanation I gave. There was no response part from one brief comment. No one else commented until a woman did and all she could do was criticise my paragraphs! She said other things, all dismissive. 

I cannot tell you how shaming it is to bare yourself like that only to have that sort of comment back. This type of ignorant cruelty still enrages me and I have realised that if I feel rage then I have been shamed first.

How can anyone read such a story and ignore it or criticise it in anyway? Why is their response not one of compassion and horror? I don't know and I guess I have always had a problem with people like this. What sort of person can only criticise a person who is brain damaged, has serious body and pain issues, who has been able to communicate anyway, and who still WANTS to?  I don't know about you, I find that really callous and sick. This isn't about agreeing with me or not saying you don't. It is about not shaming me just because I find writing and typing a mental and physical challenge. All of which was clear in what I wrote. She isn't the first and won't be the last callous so and so I come across but this is the first time I have been honest about how it really makes me feel and what I think of those who do it. 

No survivor is looking for pity. That does no one any good and pity is worthless and far too easy. Aside: would you believe the amount of women who say 'ah, bless' when they see me in my wheelchair? That is pity and it is patronizing and it means fuck all. It dehumanizes me.

The reason it takes so many of us such a long time to gain enough courage to tell our story is precisely because of reactions like that. We fear being shamed and humiliated. The abuse made us feel like that and we don no want more of it.

My first attempts were met with 'you are too sensitive'. What do you think I felt? Yes, shame and humiliation. Another attempt was met with seeming understanding and I was invited to a prayer circle. I accepted, feeling that for the first time I was being listened to. That is until it began and they started to pray that I,(!ME!), be forgiven. Now what type of person is privileged to gain such trust only to throw it back in the face of the person trusting them?

I was taken by surprise today. I started to shake, my heart pounded. This despite the beta blockers and pain killers. One can safely assume by button was well and truly pushed!

Anyone who makes me feel shame, is out. I do not entertain having them in my life. I experienced the same shame, humiliation and anger with the person to whom I was kind and supportive yet they chose to interpret what I wrote as the opposite. I take responsibility for this though as I already knew what they were like but I had given them the benefit of the doubt only to be severely burned. (A situation another would have just brushed off I know but I am who I am.)

However, and this is what is important. I will never be silent. I will not acquiesce. There will always be victims of abuse who need to know my story and the stories of other survivors so that they know there is hope. So that they know that a semblance of peace is possible. That a good life can be lived regardless of how they feel in the moment. They need to know that happiness, joy, real friendship is possible. That love does not mean sex and violence. That love does not mean name calling, undermining ones confidence. Love does not have to be earned.

Most of all, they need to know that is not they who at fault. they need to know that they were abused (are being) because of who the abuser is and NOT  because of who they are.

My experience of writing about my life on this blog has been hugely positive. In ways I could never have foreseen. At first I remained anonymous and I was writing just as away of ordering my story for myself, of making some sense of it. I had no idea how it was going to affect others.

I very soon got comments and emails from other survivors. From professionals in the field child protection. I was astounded. I was also scared. I then realised that if I was telling my story and stating that shame does not belong with us, why was I hiding my identity. So I came out. Obviously I made sure to never identify anyone.

What we all need to know about recovery is this: there will never be a time when we will be as if the abuse the never happened. I used to think that I would come out of recovery wholly new, with the abuse and it's effects wiped away. Not so.

One learns to live well despite it. The severe PTSD symptoms do lessen. They do become further apart. But you will still have them. You will still have buttons that can be pushed, as happened to me today. There will be times when out of the blue, you will be plunged right back into that hell hole. Only now one can get out of it quickly and unaided, shake it off and carry on living a good and happy life.

Peace and joy do come but they don't stay. They come and go. But instead of plunging back into darkness when they go, one just lives well. One feels, one enjoys, and some of what we feel will not be nice and some of what we feel will be wonderful. Overall though we will be content. We will know who we are, where we have come from. We will know we are loved. we will love ourselves and we will not be at the mercy of the whims of others and their opinions about us. Only you really know what you feel.

No person who has not been through this torment has any idea at all what it is like. Remember that next time some ignorant soul judges you, they have not walked in your shoes. They understand nothing. There are those whose ability to empathise allows them to understand that we suffered/suffer and they treat us accordingly. They are safe people. Sadly, far to many do not have this gift.

I know that when one is in the depths of the shame and humiliation, the fear and the pain, it is nigh on impossible to see that the shame does not belong with one. The light seems very far away and it also seems that it must be us. After all, that person seems to be living a functional life. it is we who are not. it must be our fault. It is often just easier to blame ourselves than to accept that yes, other people can be so callous. It is not a safe feeling, yet we are strong enough to deal with it. No everyone is not coming from the same place. there those who will seek to harm you. There are those that do not seek to harm you but just do not care a joy. But there are those who not only will not harm you, they will love you and they will hold you and help you. You will become strong enough to accept them too.

AN UNCERTAIN MAN IN PARIS

Two of these photographs, the dog and the camp as tits man are small bits of very large paintings. Everything I take a shot of impresses me for one reason or another. I prefer the single portraits, more of which to come, as they seem the most real to me.

The painting here of the priest and the monk makes me think of all those burned by the church and otherwise tortured and inhumanely treated. I love old churches and cathedrals and monasteries too but for their architecture and art. The feeling I get in them is one of dread and intense coldness. I can almost hear the cries of those tortured and burned by these 'holy men'. Made all the worse knowing that other 'holy men' are killing and torturing in the name of their God today - in the Middle East - and how in our more 'civilised' societies the systematic rape and abuse of children by 'holy men' and 'holy women' is covered up and thereby sanctioned by other 'holy men' and 'holy women'.

I used to think, in the days when I was almost completely disassociated, that a lot of tosh was spoken about art. I no longer think that way. Oh I still think some speak and write a lot of tosh but I do now know that art is vital and it does speak to us though what each will hear will differ.


I find it astonishing that life in the times of these paintings was brutal and short for most, was lived amongst the filth of our waste, the smell of it, truly awful, yet such beauty was created also.

I was listening to modern day 'holy people' today, speaking of life and how they think we ought to live it. Oblivious to the fact that they make life so much worse for many. They spoke of life as a gift.

A gift for whom? How can it be a gift if one is born to live a life of suffering and then to die in suffering? How can it be a gift for a child born into famine? A child born into brutal civil war? Hacked to death? Or a child who spends years in day by day abuse? A gift? Really?

There will be those so shocked or repulsed by my next words that they will think me severely disturbed or depressed. In fact there will be those who think I am better shut up, forcibly, than even to entertain the idea that I may have a point. It is their fear that speaks to them. Not my words.

I would much rather have not had a life at all. Yes, today, by comparison to the lives of others and the life I used to have, I have a good life. I understand this. Not just intellectually. I do derive enjoyment from it. I know how to make the best of things. I know that it is wiser by far to choose to enjoy what I have than to allow the negative and misery to overcome what I have. I could. So easily. I know that for me and others of such good fortune, it is pretty much down to what I allow to dominate my thoughts. I can choose to enjoy the life I have. I do choose to.

Yet, I fail to see it as a gift. If I were given the choice, I'd rather not have existed at all. Save the last few of my 52 years, life was always far more pain and struggle than joy. I didn't know joy or comfort until recently. Now I do and whereas before I longed for the end of life, now I do not , I do not want it to end.

Now I know that my death will cause pain and suffering to John and his will cause pain and suffering to me. I would prefer he went first to spare him that pain because I think I am better able to handle it as grief is not new to me. Yet the idea of yet again going into that darkness terrifies me.

The world would not stop turning if I had not existed and it will not stop when I don't exist any more.

Enjoying the beauty around me, as I have done in Paris, or when I am just simply being with my dogs, is not a feeling easy to describe. It seems pain and suffering are far easier to find words for! Joy and peace seem inadequate to describe my present when compared to my past.

If life is an accident then it is without any merit. It is pointless. My struggle, your struggle, will all have been for nought. There are those who say it isn't because our struggle makes life better for the coming generations. They neglect to remember that there will, at some point, be no more generations to come. Nothing will be of any use or importance. If the end of physical life is truly the end of consciousness, then why live it? There is no purpose. The propagation of our genes is not a satisfactory answer because science tells us this will all come to end anyway. The Universe will cease to be. Gone. As if it never were.

On the other hand, if consciousness is not extinguished by the death of the physical body, there could conceivably be a point to life. I have no idea what it is and I do not believe anyone else does either. Those who insist they know are the most afraid of uncertainty. They cling to words written down in ancient times regardless of the moral bankruptcy implicit in such clinging. Better to be cruel and immoral but be right! Their sense of righteousness quells their fear. If only for a short time. To stop it rising they must force others into silence or agreement, to shore up their defences.

Even if life is not over as death suggests, it doesn't mean life is a gift.

Could it be a choice?

If life is not a choice, that you and I did not choose to have this life, then our will is anything but free. In order for life to be a choice, then we must have existed before we were conceived. Beyond comprehension. Nuts. Crazy.

Yet we readily accept the idea of Free Will when the idea that we have a will that is free is far more than crazy. It is positively wicked. It causes pain and suffering. It is also used to justify evil.

The religious love to trot out Free Will. That their God gave us Free Will and if we use our Free Will to believe what ever tripe they are pushing, we will go Heaven, be 'saved'. If we do not use our Free Will to so believe, then we are damned. Right there is one reason Free Will is bulldust-no one's will is free when a loaded gun is pointing at them.

The other, most obvious, reason that Free Will, as so far explained to us, is not free is because we are not all knowing. We can only freely make choices if 1. we know all there is to know and 2. can make choices free of fear. It seems likely that 2. would be moot if 1. were the case.

I can see why those who insist they are right, be they atheist or theist, do so: uncertainty is scary, painful, and well, so damn uncertain! Yet uncertainty is the only honest admission. Everything else is bollocks.

It is perfectly possible to live a life that is good and happy and which does not rely on the suffering of others, based upon ideas that we cannot know the truth of. I have yet to come across a religious ideology that does not rely upon exclusion and therefore the suffering of others in order that the religious might be happy and certain.

When I choose to read the words of others, I do so with the knowledge that I am not reading TRUTH but ideas. Ideas that may or may nor resonate with my mind. It is dangerous to read the words of others as TRUTH or with the idea that one might come across TRUTH. It is an abdication of our personal responsibility to lay our life down to the words and ideas of another. No matter how old the words or ideas may be! We must always be thinking for ourselves and living according to our conscience and not the conscience of another.

It is much easier to live according to the rules and conscience of another. This is why doing so is so attractive and indeed does attract so many people to do just that. Oh they may think themselves martyrs. They may think themselves strong and brave.

It is those who can live, and live well, with uncertainty who are the strong and the brave.

Those who proclaim certainty are the weak and cowardly and most in need.

VENGEANCE-THE DEAD END

“You are acceptable just as you are. Right now. Right here. Not when you or others feel that you are good enough. But now. Who you are. Just as you are. No matter what you have done no matter what you will do.”

Above is what I wrote in my last post entitled GOOD ENOUGH. Below is part of a comment that was left in response to it:

I think, your last sentences could be misunderstood by some people and be taken as excuse for them being dangerous for themselves or others. "no matter what we do" could be interpreted by an amoral being in the way, that it would have proof of or be justified in the fact, that torturing or killing living, feeling fellow beings is o.k.

My first reaction to the comment was an inpatient sigh. Then when I began to think about it I realise that the comment illustrates very well the infection of the human mind by religion based upon rewards and punishments. As a result of this human beings just cannot see how any person could possibly behave well without the threat of supernatural punishment.

I believe the converse is true. I believe the more we tell people how bad they are and how they are going to be eternally damned for their badness, the more likely they are to behave badly.

However this is not really the issue. The issue is I made a statement of fact as I understand it as regards unconditional love. I am not about to change the definition of unconditional love because somebody may decide that as they are loved unconditionally just as they are they have carte blanche to do whatever they wish! One cannot turn the truth into a lie because of fear although of course this is done all the time. Hence the world we live in.

I do find it very sad that people seem unable to conceive of an unconditional love and also seem completely unable to imagine forgiveness let alone give it. We human beings just cannot abide by the idea that hateful acts should be met by love. We would rather continue to suffer ourselves just to see somebody else get what we think is their just deserts.

None of us are in any place to judge. We do not walk in anybody shoes but our own. As cliched as that is it is very true.

I know from my own personal experience that there is nothing more painful than facing the truth.NOTHING. I also know that the only way to attain peace is to face the truth and experience it.

Although I was unaware of it at the time, that my wishing nothing but peace for those people that made my childhood living hell, and much of my adult hood as a result, will mean that they will have to face the truth and feel it or they will not have peace.

What better justice is that? Anybody who has truly faced and felt the truth of the damage that they did, or they had done to them, knows of what I speak.

There is no other justice that makes sense. The idea that my abusers will be reincarnated as abusees is just sick and clearly has not been thought through. This type of Karma which many people believe in means that people who molest and terrorise and beat up children are only carrying out a divine plan!

There is nothing I could do to my abusers that would make them feel what I felt because they are not me. There is nothing that could be done to my abusers that would lessen in any way my own suffering.

It is my understanding that as part of spiritual growth, the attainment of peace, which I believe does not end with the death of the body, that each of us has to face the truth of our lives and the effect that we have had on others for both ill and good. To feel what we made others feel. Now that is justice.

Even if death is the end and there is no spirituality, then my contention that there is nothing I or anybody else could do to my abusers that would make up in any way for what was done to me still stands. I do not want anything for them other than peace. People who are at peace with themselves do not abuse other people. I certainly am not letting them have any more of my life by holding on to the idea that they must pay for what they did. If life is eternal, they will in the manner that I described. If life is a waste of time and when we are dead we are dead, well we won’t be around to give a shit will we?

I also know from first-hand experience that no matter how hard we repress, suppress, and deny the truth is always there and it will make itself known through pain and suffering in our lives.

Monsters do not just pop up out of nowhere.They are created. By us. By their parents. By society. By us. Until we accept this, it is likely that we will continue to suffer the results of such people in our societies.

If we cannot let go of our need for vengeance, if we do not stop denying our vengeance and calling it a desire for justice, we won’t know peace.

It is clear that the majority of people believe in a God of vengeance and damnation despite their protestations that their God is a God of love! Clearly a God who offers love with one hand and vengeance with the other is no better than human the reason being is our own human limitation that causes us to reject the idea of unconditional love out of hand because we cannot conceive of it ourselves. It might help if we stop confusing love with like, or emotional attachment. It is perfectly possible to love somebody one really does not like. It has nothing to do with the way that we feel, but with the way that we act. We can treat somebody well unconditionally. It really is possible. Doctors and nurses do it all the time! There is nobody that I would miss treat because of the way I feel about them. Now if that is possible for me, I certainly know it’s possible for you, and I cannot imagine the power of this kind of unconditional love from an omnipotent God.

Self As God

To me atheism and fundamentalism are just as rigid as each other as viewpoints. They both believe their idea is absolutely correct. The major difference is that religious fundamentalism has evil results. Whilst they do not see it, (how could they when they are never wrong?) they spread evil like a cancer that destroys lives. Their faith is a lie. A big fat lie. A lie that kills. What is the lie? That they have total faith in god. No they do not. They have faith in one being and one being only: themselves. They have total unwavering faith in their own judgement. And they certainly like everyone else to know what their judgement is. There judgement is rarely good. The judgement they like above all else is righteousness. Their own. Their own unwavering belief that they are right. This belief has caused untold misery throughout the history of our world. People who believe they know what is right are dangerous. (It is not just religious fundies who believe in their own rightness, of course, but they far outnumber any other type.)

An example of the arrogance of such people can be found here (ATHIEST CENTRAL). Just a brief reading of his views reveals the evil inherent in his standpoint. In case you cannot stomach reading enough, know that he does not believe in a loving god. Not my judgement but his words state so. Unlike him, I do not believe this man is evil, just what he gives out. (I don't believe in the innate evil of anyone.)

A religious fundy here came to prominence because of her wickedness, in my opinion. Her name is Ann (e?) Atknis. She was a newspaper agony aunt. A woman had written in to her for help and guidance with her grief. Her female lover of a lifetime had died and she was bereft. Did Ms Atkins offer any thing that was good and kind or compassionate? No. She offered only condemnation, judgement and wickedness. For this, she was rewarded with fame and fortune. What a sick world.

Atheists say there is no God. They cannot know this and they too have faith only in their own judgement. It would be more honest to say that one does not have any evidence so far that there is a god but I cannot categorically say there is not one.

One of the things that atheist say is that just because we don't understand something, is no reason to go an invent a god, a creator. They say it doesn't answer anything and indeed only creates more confusion and another question: who created god? True.

BUT WHAT CAUSED THE BIG BANG? AND WHAT CAUSED THAT CAUSE?

Isn't that exactly the same problem?

(Literalists(religious fundies) believe a man lived inside a whale. Oh the temptation to be rude is immense.)