Tuesday, June 05, 2012


It is raining heavily outside. the new wet weather run for the dogs is going take them a bit if getting used to. They are not too sure about it yet. Yes, some have peed and pooed but I don't think they all have. once we are ensconced in the new living room, with all the doors out of it shut, and only the outdoor available to them, they will be easier to keep an eye on and train. They will soon realise that outside that door is theirs, whether wet or not.

John goes to work tomorrow, home Thursday evening. I will go to pool tomorrow. I have loads of reading to do.

I am going to resist the urge to save the world tomorrow. As I could anyway!  I realised that just because I kept my gob shut for most of my life doesn't mean I have to open it every waking moment! People can save themselves. Yes, I know, arrogant of me. 

I just have got into my head that I MUST take every opportunity to let every other survivor out there know there is a way past the pain and I simply must listen and respond to everyone who wants to tell me their life story, of which there are legion. 

Even as I write this, I can hear a voice telling me not to say this because I might put someone off who is at the end of their rope. I am tired. I need a break. I need to bring my head back in. I have my own shit to deal with and this is stressing me out. 

It's taken quite a while for me to realise this is at the root of my disquiet these last few months. I am on the tip of being angry or sad most of the time and frustrated because I can't do anything but share and be here and of course being as I can't do anything else, aren't I meant to be using this time on my hands to help others? 

I had no idea I would be writing this. This just started to come to my fingers when I typed goodnight.I have got myself in a right tiz. I've let this tie me in knots and I've become rather stupid. I could die right now and the world won't stop. People will still find their way. Victims will survive. They will find a way just like I did. 

Oh Colin, you fool. What a twat you've been. I am so acutely aware of how fortunate I am that instead of enjoying this life I have fought extremely hard for, I have been giving myself over completely, almost, to fighting for others. No wonder I feel on edge and tired all of the time, especially when much of what I have been doing brings me into touch with people who want anything but peace-those who victimise. 

I don't want to be utterly self centred and have an all right Jack attitude but I also can't be this 'Colin to the rescue' fool either. I want to enjoy the life I have won for myself, not now throw it away out of a sense of duty because I have it so good now. Even I see this as quite frightful. I need a break. A serious 'leave me alone' break and even as I write that I can hear this voice telling me off and saying how I never can know how what I do might just save someone and if I am going to stop being here for others, then what? I really have been silly. Very. 

Plenty for me to ponder I think.
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