Tuesday, December 06, 2005

dark nights

If you look carefully you will see there are 6 puppies, 4 girls and 2 boys. They were born between 5 and 6am Monday Dec 5th. Very quick, trouble free birth. Not bad for a first time mum.

I finally got to bed last night, but it did not go well. Nigthmares about the past again. Okay, so they are not so frequent now but really this shit never goes away. I don't really know what i dreamed of but it wasn't nice and I awoke sweating and cold and had to put the light on and leave it on. Whatever I dreamed of caused me to think of a traumatic police interview I went thru about 10 years ago. I had to sit and tell a perfect stranger, a police man, what a teacher had done to me. This teacher was a child pornographer. Now I had never told anyone this stuff, just my therapist. Not even my partner. So here i was feeling completley unsafe and humiliated having to tell my story, in intimate detail, to this policemen, of whom i was afraid anyway. At the end of it all, he told me that i would not be called as a witness as I had no credibilty. I thought he was telling me he thought I was lying. No he said, he knew I wasn't lying. But because I had a breakdown and spent time in hospital, I would not be considered a credible witness by the courts. So, folks, if you are going to abuse a child, make sure you damage them plenty so they can't testify against you. I never did find out anything about this : is the guy still out there abusing children? Is he dead? He must be quite old now. Are his films and photo's plastered on sick net sites? Are people getting their jollies looking at me being abused? That bothers me tho I mostly am successful in not thinking about it.
One thing I am successful at tho is having a good, happy and productive life. They didn't destroy me. They tried to, my father in particular, who couldn't stomach my good nature. I was a source of shame for him. How could he have produced this child who wasn't agressive, who didn't want to be like him? Who saw his father for what he was? How that must have enraged him! He kept going on and on about being a man. Real men beat up and bully defenceless children it seems. A man to be pitied. He lost so much.
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