Today so far has been pretty awful. I have been anxious all day. I have done things-swimming, washed and clipped Luna, I sat and deep breathed for ages which made me feel calmer.
I then walked the dogs. On the walk I was overwhelmed by my emotions. I suddenly found myself almost saying aloud that I wanted my mum. I feel embarrassed just writing that but it is what happened. I had to fight to control myself. why would I want something I never really had? why am I grieving for my mum? i don't get it. she'd not have been any use to me if she were here, she never was.
I really don't get this that is happening to me. It is so painful and I am feeling very scared and lost. I just want this to end. I don't know how much more i can take of it. no, don't jump to conclusions, I don't mean anything sinister. I just want this to end so i can ge ton and live and not live as i am right now.
First Quarter Review:) Warning a LONG post!
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9 comments:
Your wish for your mother is not so odd, Colin. I've read stories of small children in burn units crying out for their mothers---even though the monster they called "Mommy" had been the one who burned them. I think we are hard-wired to want the love and comfort of our parents, and when we don't get it I think it does terrible damage on a very deep level. And I don't think for a minute the lack of love and comfort from a parent, most especially a mother, causes us to want or need it any less.
I'm so sorry you have to sort through all this. As a mother, I find it just incomprehensible any mother could not love her child, and would not die to protect that child. I do know it happens, though. Some mothers fail to protect their children because they themselves are so beaten down. Others, like the woman who gave birth to you (I cannot call her a mother), defy explanation and understanding.
If it helps any at all, I sincerely believe some women are simply unable, for whatever reason, to form any sort of parental bond with their children. It is their loss. My own daughter exhibits exhibits this with her son. The maternal instinct is just not there. My husband and I are raising him with our other children, and love him like he had been born to us, but I can still see the sadness in him when he talks about his mother.
I find it terribly sad for these women. For their children, I find it heartbreaking. I am so sorry there was no one there for you, Colin. Seeing the man you have become, it is so very apparent that it was more her loss than yours. I know it doesn't feel that way to you, but it surely was.
I find my "inner mom" wants to scoop up your "inner child" and hug him tight and kiss him and tell him it's ok, shelter him and help chase the monsters away. It breaks my heart to think of any child so alone. If that part of you is accepting spirit hugs, you have them, in spades.
Maybe, through reading what you have written, at least one person will be inspired to step in on behalf of another child somewhere.
Hugs, Colin, and thank you, again, for sharing. You're amazing.
Terri
You want your mum because you never really had her. You worry about your dad because he never really worried about you.
You are still grieving.
I can't bear the thought of staying in this marriage and living this way, but I also can't bear the thought of hurting my husband by leaving.
Are they so different? Only in degree.
I would guess that you are feeling more what I always say - I don't miss my mother, but I do miss a mother that I can do things with - the mother I wish I had of had. Which is the kind of mother I try to be to my kids and their s/o's. And 2 out of the 3 of my kids say I am - the other one has issues with me, but I think that is her doings & she needs to figure some things out.
All I can really say, is to keep your chin up and this too will pass! Just maybe not as quickly as you or any of us in similar situations would like it to pass.
This isn't the first time I've felt I just had to wrap someone up in a blanket and hug them and feed them a bowl of warm soup. I've been in and out of depression many times, and I know when I can cry and greive the depression is lifting, but I'm so sorry about all the pain you have to sort through. I hope you don't mind if I include you in my regular prayers for all the children who feel trapped in a painful life they don't deserve, including the ones in adult bodies.
Sandra (a mom)
It seems that almost all abused children continue to love and try to get approval from the abusing parent(s) - the child can only accept that they(the child) is the one at fault in the situation and will attempt to do anything to make everything ok.
You continue to grieve for the things stollen/lost/missing from your life - perhaps someone that specializes as a grief counsellor is worth considering - if only for coping techniques.
Colin, I don't know any magic words of comfort. I am sorry this happened to you and I don't understand why some parents do things like this. I do understand a little of what you are going through as I walked a similar path in childhood. I am praying for you.
~tabitha
Dear Sweet Colin,
For so many years you have been dealing with the basic task of survival - surviving abuse of all kinds, staying alive, dealing with hospitalization, victimization and bad relationships.
Now you are in a good relationship with a good man and the basic act of survival is not the issue. So your Self is telling you to deal with the other issues. And you are in pain.
I lost my mother when I was 8, almost 9. I am now 53, almost 54 and there are times when I miss her so much my body aches.
You lost your mother at conception.
Nevertheless you are NOT alone! You've known it on an instinctual level all those years you were busy with the business of survival. Now you know it on a spiritual level. And you can know it on a global level.
There is a point to your life. Your simple kindness shows through in your postings. Unless you are an elaborate liar (and I seriously doubt that), you are definitely someone worth knowing, even if only online. Visiting your blog has helped me enormously. When I represent a child in a position similar to what yours was, I think to myself, "What would Colin have wanted me to do had I represented him?" You have also helped me in one very big way - that I cannot put in words here, but would be happy to tell you in a private e-mail. I know that I have come to like you - and by inference John - so much so that if I am ever in England, I will do what I can to look you up (if you would allow it). I wish you could talk with some of my clients - that's how highly I regard you!
Cyber hugs don't do what a lover who will hold you through the night can do - but here's one anyway:)
(((())))
much love,
Joan
Although I cannot feel your emotions, I am going through similar stuff myself. I think I have a 'mother' shaped hole in my being which wants to be filled, but cant be. Unflrtunately the hole doesnt go away, it seems to be inbuilt. Its not that I want MY mother - it was a relief to say goodbye to her and her manipulations, cruelty etc. Its that I want to be 'mothered' because I never had this stage of my life.
This post sounds like a selfish one - but I am typeing this in case it triggers any recognition in you and could possibly help you.
I do think you are greiving, and I have noticed that your emotional pain seems to have got worse since you started swimming. Could it have any connection? Perhaps because going swimming is one of the activites we associate with child/parent bonding stuff?
If I can help in any way by sharing my experiences, please email me Colin. I have total admiration for your ability to share so frankly your life and it helps me very much.
It's the idea of what our mother should have been that we miss. It's what we saw with other mothers who actually wanted to love, nurture and be a part of their children's lives. I remember thinking my friends were liars when they'd tell me things their moms would do with and for them.
I know in my head it wasn't my fault that my mom wasn't capable and am slowly (at 50) accepting in my heart the same thing. It wasn't my fault she wasn't able and actually it wasn't even hers.
I wish for you with all my heart you can find the acceptance and peace that will make you happier.
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