Monday, October 29, 2007


Today so far has been pretty awful. I have been anxious all day. I have done things-swimming, washed and clipped Luna, I sat and deep breathed for ages which made me feel calmer.

I then walked the dogs. On the walk I was overwhelmed by my emotions. I suddenly found myself almost saying aloud that I wanted my mum. I feel embarrassed just writing that but it is what happened. I had to fight to control myself. why would I want something I never really had? why am I grieving for my mum? i don't get it. she'd not have been any use to me if she were here, she never was.

I really don't get this that is happening to me. It is so painful and I am feeling very scared and lost. I just want this to end. I don't know how much more i can take of it. no, don't jump to conclusions, I don't mean anything sinister. I just want this to end so i can ge ton and live and not live as i am right now.
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