Thursday, October 11, 2007

PTSD

I am waking up ready for my 6.30am swim. It's the easiest time to go-as soon as the pool opens.

I still feel like I am walking on egg shells. I have improved, I physically feel much better and am sleeping well enough. My stomach has settled and is almost back to normal.

Back at the end of 94 I was admitted to hospital with similar problems to those I have been experiencing this last few weeks. At that time John was told I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that the reason I was so ill was because I was having severe flashbacks.

I was in no fit state to argue at the time but I didn't believe the doctor and thought the whole idea to be stupid.

Now I am not all sure they were wrong. This last few weeks I have felt very much like I did as a child. I have been experiencing a lot of fear. For no current reason. And yes, I can think of two recent situations that may have triggered this off.

The difference between 94 and now is that I am much more grown, stronger, and knowledgeable. I am dealing with it much better. I think the worst is already over.

I have to say I am somewhat shocked at this. I didn't have a warning as far as I can tell. Whilst I know our pasts are never fully over, I really did not ever expect it come up and bite me like this.

This in itself has made me feel afraid. As well as embarrassed. And angry.

I am meditating, exercising, eating well, and generally taking care of myself. The sooner this passes the better.
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