Saturday, October 27, 2007

NOT depressed

I am so moved by all the support I have received by the comments here and by email.

I do want to make something clear though: I am not depressed at all. If I were depressed, I'd be in my bed mostly, eating lots of fatty sugary stuff and feeling very tired and like killing myself.

I don't feel like this at all.

Grief is not depression. Fear is not depression.

I have been experiencing much tension in my body, by fight/flight mechanism hass got out of hand thus the physical symptoms and pain. The more pain I get the more fear and the more I cry out what needs to come out, the more pain and more fear and the pain etc etc

In other words a vicious circle which I could not not break. I could have called the Dr before I did but I was afraid to. Not had good experience in the past when i have felt this bad. I was afraid I'd be hospitalized and drugged up. Well, I wasn't. I was prescribed diazepam as a muscle relaxant. It worked. I have an issue with using such things but do recognize I needed to. I have more if I need to but I resist them as far as I can.

In the meantime I am talking this thru with people and now am seeing someone on a regular basis. This time it's different because the counsellor I am seeing understands the religious/spiritual aspect of the abuse and is able therefore to address those specific parts of the abuse. Sort of like a deprogrammer.

I am doing deep breathing exercises. Simple - I sit as if to meditate but instead I inhale deeply thru my nose and exhale slowly thru my mouth. This is really helping.

I HAVE to get my body out of this 'fight or flight' mode. You'd be amazed, or maybe not, just what this can do to your body and mind. It really does feel like one is dying. On top of that, my own fear of my own emotions just makes it all the worse.

I was extremely relieved to hear Alan Johnson (kidnapped and released by terrorists) describe something I understood so well but thought was just me and no one understood. He said that refused to let his fear overtake him, he was going to meet his end calmly. No matter what his captors did, he remained unemotional. He said it was the only thing he could control THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WHEN I WAS A CHILD! I refused to let my fear show, I stood rock still and let myself be hit or molested. I did not cry. I did not run. Above all I did not let myself feel the fear because I though it would kill me.

It was such a relief to hear this man describe this same technique for coping. I wasn't mad after all! It was how I coped.

Of course, now I have to feel those feelings and deal with it. I think that part is almost, if not completely , over. My body on the other hand is going to take longer to recover and I have to bear that in mind. I need to rest, make sure I eat well, and keep up my swimming and deep breathing and exercise.

I am going to my dog show tomorrow with Micah. Shameless is staying home for now as she has hit the awkward gawky age. I am a little apprehensive about it. I don't want to have any strong emotions come up whilst I am not home and especially not at such a crowded place. My dear friend Linda will be there and she knows what is going on with me.

You know, perhaps this won't make sense to any of you, but here it is: writing this blog is so therapeutic for me. Not just because I am expressing myself. I know my writing has helped others. Importantly, I have witnesses now. I went thru what I went thru alone and silently and secretly. Now I have all of you as witnesses. That is so important to me. I am not sure why but know that it is.
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