I have been for my swim. I am about to bath Micah.
I feel like I am walking on very thin ice and am about to fall in and not be able to get out. I am scared. I feel like there is something inside me trying to burst out and it scares me stupid. I don't know how to let it go. i hurt everywhere, i feel unclean. i want this to end but don't know how to end it. this thing that needs to get out terrifies me, it makes me feel overwhelmed. i feel out of control or almost so. enough of my life has been taken up with this. i want to be free of it. free for good. i want to live my life without this terrible fear that i am a bad person. if it really wasn't me then those people were truly cruel nasty people and that seems very hard to take too. this turmoil is dreadful. i am functioning and getting stuff done but it is very hard to keep going. i know i have to , i am not giving in but i also really want this to end, i want to let it all go and never have it back.
i feel this terrible fear and it is the worst. i hate it. i don't know how to get rid of it.
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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10 comments:
Colin,
They have done their worst, and you have survived it. Not only survived, you have grown, and learned, and you have become a wonderful, caring man. Look at your posts over time. You care, passionately, that children not continue to be subjected to what you were. You did not become one of them, an abuser of others, as so many abused children do. You have broken the cycle.
You create beauty, in so many ways, and do not perpetuate the ugliness. They tried to break you, and you rose up stronger. I know it's easy for someone outside you to say that, and not so easy for you, on the inside, to believe it. I know you don't feel strong. But you are, so very, very strong.
You don't hurt others. You care when they are hurt. You are working through this on your own, and disavowing the crutches so many use.
They have done their worst, Colin, and YOU HAVE SURVIVED.
Terri
Sending you my love, Colin.
Rita
It wasn't you. The world is a scary place if there can be such cruelty in it, but it is a lot less scary than believing yourself to be the worst in the world. You are not. Turn and face those fears and tell them to F off and leave you in peace!
Sending you love and courage XXX
You are *NOT* a bad person! And there's plenty of evidence to back that up. And there are lots of people who care about you who would also say so. I guess they--and your devoted readers--just have to keep chanting "Colin is not a bad person" until you believe it?
I know you have been to therapists before. I am worried that you can't handle these feelings by yourself. Do you think you need to seek help.
I am so worried about you!
Colin, I've been reading your blog. I want you to know that I have a dear friend who went through very similar circumstances. It started in the diaper stage. Please let me tell you that you are not bad. You are not evil. What you are is a victim of someones elses actions. You were 5 years old and just a child. You had no choice and they knew it. Your mind, soul, and body were damaged by their actions. You will survive. They will not win. The emotions attached to the crime are strong but will start to slowly go away as you remember and deal with the abuse to your tender self. Keep the hope that this will someday be over. It's just very hard and takes a brave heart that YOU HAVE to succeed and not let them win again. Remember, you are not alone.
Colin -
I do not know you but have read your blog for some time now. You are not a bad person. From your posted entries, you are thoughtful, caring and sensitive. You are a good person that bad things happened to and you have worked hard to overcome the bad things. You have John, your dear dogs, your knitting, your friends and more which cannot be taken from you. And unfortunately, people can sometimes be truly cruel and nasty for reasons unknown to us--being cruel to others alleviates their own fears about themselves or simply because they are nasty bits to begin with and enjoy inflicting pain on others. Fear is a terrible thing to deal with because fear is intangible. When I became perimenopausal, my hormones would fluctuate and cause panic attacks of such irrational fear that I just knew I was going to die. But I remembered a meditation tool about focusing on a candle flame and learned that when the fear began to take over, to stop what I was doing and focus on something, anything (a candle flame, etc.) that would allow me to "stay" in the moment. After a bit I was able to control the fear by changing my focus. It was not easy, but it worked.
My hope is that, by sharing this with you, it will be of some help and I will keep positive thoughts for you.
Sharon
Colin, I'm so sorry you feel lousy.
Any possibility that you might be having a reaction to your flu jab? Hoping you have a turn for the better, Melanie
HI Colin
I read your blog each day.
I dont post much but do think of you a lot and all you have been through.
As 'silly stitcher' said do you think you can handle this on your own.
Did you have a good therapist before? I cant remember what you said about how you go on with one.
I am worried about you too
Pam
Hi Colin! A thought occurred to me as I was reading your blog entries over the last week or so. Hope I'm not being arrogant here - only you know what goes on in your heart. What came out at me was the anger followed by the fear. Perhaps you are still afraid that by expressing your anger (something I'm sure would have been fatal to you as a child) you are afraid that sperm or egg donor (sorry, cannot call them "parents") will come back and "get you" for that. I used to have these horrible nightmares with satanic overtones (best way to describe it quickly). I finally decided that rather than sit and shake under the covers, I would sit up, turn on a light, and do some free associating to figure out what the dream was REALLY about. In other words, I dismissed the premise of the nightmare, and instead focused on what it related to. Invariably I found that it related to something in my life that was causing guilt or anxiety, some valid, some not. That way I got away from the terror and started looking at the tools to deal with it.
Everything everyone has said to you here is so true. And I believe you are beginning to internalize this because otherwise you wouldn't feel the rage and the sense of injustice that you feel. You are healing, but like so much of healing, it hurts.
And you are the most "grown up" individual I know. You have dealt with things that would leave most people shattered - or worse, identifying with and becoming like their abuser.
Stay with this anger - perhaps instead of fear you should get hopping mad!
Remember, we stand behind you, so if anybody wants to come and start up that abuse again, they've got to go thru an awfully lot of us (and I'm no slouch in the size department, LOL!)
Hugs,
Joan
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