Sunday, October 21, 2007

sunday morning

I have been for my swim. I am about to bath Micah.
I feel like I am walking on very thin ice and am about to fall in and not be able to get out. I am scared. I feel like there is something inside me trying to burst out and it scares me stupid. I don't know how to let it go. i hurt everywhere, i feel unclean. i want this to end but don't know how to end it. this thing that needs to get out terrifies me, it makes me feel overwhelmed. i feel out of control or almost so. enough of my life has been taken up with this. i want to be free of it. free for good. i want to live my life without this terrible fear that i am a bad person. if it really wasn't me then those people were truly cruel nasty people and that seems very hard to take too. this turmoil is dreadful. i am functioning and getting stuff done but it is very hard to keep going. i know i have to , i am not giving in but i also really want this to end, i want to let it all go and never have it back.
i feel this terrible fear and it is the worst. i hate it. i don't know how to get rid of it.
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