So yes I am still stressed out. The fear has been very intense today, as it was Tuesday. This is hard to put into words not to mention it makes me feel ashamed. Reliving feelings from so long ago just makes me feel inadequate. It's over, it was a long time ago, yet here it is haunting me.
It's all tied up with a crisis of faith I think. Both the having to battle at the pool for my rights and the way I was triggered by a person has brought so much feeling up. Mainly fear.
I experienced tremendous fear in 95. This was the year I told. And told it all. I had been seeing the therapist for a year then and it took that long before I could tell him the whole truth. The result of telling was me plunging into abject terror. I had had a fundamentalist background(too complicated to explain) and of course one had to honour thy mother and thy father and what i had done was a sin and I was now going to be paid in full. Ridiculous maybe but the fear is just as real.
So for some reason I haven't quite fathomed I am back there now. The fear is coming in waves and then it subsides. I know the fear isn't logical. I know that the focus of it, my body, is okay other than the usual pain it is in but now that pain has taken on a sinister meaning and that scares me stupid. Then the grown up part tells me off and knows it is nothing but the arthritis etc causing this. Then I feel better then I get the other voice telling me I will be made to suffer now, you don't deserve anything else. You can see why this is embarrassing to even admit to but there it is.
I have talked with 3 good friends today for about an hour each. All have said the same thing-how it is obvious my stuff got triggered and that is where the fear is from. Talking helped as it helped me hang on to my sane self.
I really haven't experienced this anguish for many years and never thought I would again.
First Quarter Review:) Warning a LONG post!
-
Follow
my blog with Bloglovin
The above was taken a week ago - it represents the f...
4 years ago
4 comments:
Jmho, Colin, but I think the fear is connected to the pain. Pain makes a person feel out of control, and that triggers the feelings of fear from childhood, when one was not in control [being a child], and the grownups who had the control were evil.
So loss of control = fear.
Colin, the pain and fears of the past don't stay there all the time. They do come back. Just remember how far you have come and return to now instead of then. It's hard, lord, I know it's hard. I've been walking that road for a very long time and it will still come back. It is always harder when I'm not feeling well or the depression is getting the best of me... So enjoy the dogs and your life as it is with all those who love and care for you.
Hi Colin, Could you speak to your physician about anti-anxiety medication for temporary use? It sounds as though you may be bordering on full blown panic attacks (which are a legitimate diagnosis). The anti-anxiety meds will not control all the fear, but will prevent it from becoming unmanageable. Of course, it will not "fix" the problem, either, but most of the time you handle that well. I do so hope you feel better soon.
Colin, I know you have probably heard all the cliche comments that could be heard - I know I have.
One thing that helps me through is to know that there are people who DO care - even people who don't know you personally, or whom you don't know. These people are sending positive thoughts to you all the time. Cyberspace is wonderful that way. There are people, like me, who love your knitting, love watching your dogs (and puppies) and kind of "keep tabs" on how you are doing.
Know, also, that YOU are not at fault. Never have been, never will be in any of this. No matter what ANYONE says, you ARE a good person and NOONE, nope, NOONE ever DESERVES pain and suffering. I know that the logical part of you know this. I also know that this logical part often takes a "back seat" (so to speak) to the emotional part. This is, in part, why I am writing this to you. If you hear it enough times, or read it enough times, sometimes that helps to defeat the overwhelming emotions and lets the logic prevail.
I wish you well and hope that you will be able to take comfort in the new puppies and in your knitting. My thoughts and prayers are with you though your difficult time.
I will sign this with my first name, Patty, so you know that there is a real person behind this message, but I have no Google or blog account anywhere, so will enter it as anonymous.
Post a Comment