Friday, October 05, 2007

Fear Again

So yes I am still stressed out. The fear has been very intense today, as it was Tuesday. This is hard to put into words not to mention it makes me feel ashamed. Reliving feelings from so long ago just makes me feel inadequate. It's over, it was a long time ago, yet here it is haunting me.

It's all tied up with a crisis of faith I think. Both the having to battle at the pool for my rights and the way I was triggered by a person has brought so much feeling up. Mainly fear.

I experienced tremendous fear in 95. This was the year I told. And told it all. I had been seeing the therapist for a year then and it took that long before I could tell him the whole truth. The result of telling was me plunging into abject terror. I had had a fundamentalist background(too complicated to explain) and of course one had to honour thy mother and thy father and what i had done was a sin and I was now going to be paid in full. Ridiculous maybe but the fear is just as real.

So for some reason I haven't quite fathomed I am back there now. The fear is coming in waves and then it subsides. I know the fear isn't logical. I know that the focus of it, my body, is okay other than the usual pain it is in but now that pain has taken on a sinister meaning and that scares me stupid. Then the grown up part tells me off and knows it is nothing but the arthritis etc causing this. Then I feel better then I get the other voice telling me I will be made to suffer now, you don't deserve anything else. You can see why this is embarrassing to even admit to but there it is.

I have talked with 3 good friends today for about an hour each. All have said the same thing-how it is obvious my stuff got triggered and that is where the fear is from. Talking helped as it helped me hang on to my sane self.

I really haven't experienced this anguish for many years and never thought I would again.
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