a few months ago i had a dream the likes of which i had never had before. I dream all the time and i have cried in dreams but this dream was awful really so terrible i was relieved when I awoke.
In the dream, I had been 'banished' from what seemed like a group of people. I was alone. the sense of loss i felt was so awful it felt just indescribable. in my dream i cried and the feeling i felt was the worst i had ever felt.
now this is what seems to be happening now. i feel like there is a huge hole in me and i don't know if i can fill it again. I feel such a sense of loss and it feels insurmountable. I can't spend the rest of my days crying this out. this has to stop but I feel so empty and hurt. i feel like my insides were ripped out. none of these words really convey what I mean or how I feel. I just feel so powerless and lost. If i were to describe it as a picture, i'd say my life line was cut, my cord of connection, and i am left floating alone in space.
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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8 comments:
Not weird, Colin. It would appear your psyche is cleansing itself out in a major way. Kind of dumping it all on you at once.
You've carried the fear and hurt for so very long. I know when I was finally able to break the cord between my ex husband and myself, I felt terribly, terribly empty. I had come to believe everything he told me about how great and wonderful he was, and how I was nothing without him and without his approval. It took me a while, once I had faced the fear and banished it, to fill the hole it had left. You see, it did not matter how much I hated being afraid and insecure---it had become comfortable. It had become easy. And it took some time for me to fully realize that if I did not have to be afraid of him and did not need his approval to continue to exist, maybe I was really an OK human being in my own right. It wasn't until I really came to fully realize that truth that I was able to begin to fill that big, empty hole inside me.
There are a lot of us here for you, Colin. You have John, and you have all of us out here. We may only know you through these bits and bytes that are the internet, but we have come to love and admire you a great deal. We're all pulling for you!
Terri
I don't know what medication you were given. I take Lexapro and, sometimes, I am sure it is all that gets me through the day.
I have tried stopping the medication. I can do it, but I end up just as you are - in total despair.
The last time I "weaned" myself from the medication, I was warned about self medicating. I was told to either take the medication, as prescribed, or to stop; but to not keep changing the dosage or taking it sporadically.
I feel just as you: I don't like being dependent on the medication. I have come to the opinion, though, that there is just an underlying chemical imbalance in my brain that requires the specific serotonin reuptake inhibitors to be present. I take the meds.
I have learned to look at the depression as just another disease for which there is a medication to ease the pain.
I hope you'll decide to take the medication. You may be able to stop it at one point. I can't.
Dear Colin
Being out in space can be liberating. But your dream may be suggesting that there is some unfinished business for you to be thinking/feeling about.
Got a friend you can explore the elements of the dream with? Jacque
I am truly sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now. This is very difficult work that you're doing, and I admire you for allowing us to share in your journey. You're not keeping it all bottled up inside, and that is a good thing, though excruciatingly painful.
I hope that the beauty you create through your knitting will help to nurture you during these painful days.
Colin, I agree with hunterxand that you are going through a major cleansing. You, at this time, are strong enough to handle the feelings and emotional chaos you are going through. You have the support network to help. If you were not strong enough, these thoughts would still be buried.
So don't be afraid but understand this is really temporary and healing.
Enjoy the show this weekend and may your dog(s) do well!
Colin, I am so moved by your honesty and in being able to share what you are going through. Continue to be strong, you have a whole community of friends out here who are here for you. Depression is an illness, the need for medication should not scare you,Many people do not understand that depression is a physical illness, and as with any other illness medication does have its part. It will see you through the dark days and guide you through.You have a lifetime of hurt to deal with,it will take time.Cry,scream,shout do whatever you need to do to get through, but above all believe in yourself!!!
We often hold on to our dis-ease because it's the devil we know. When finally reach the point that we want to move away from something that has been such a part of our life, it does leave a hole in us. And although it's not been a good friend, it does have some of the attributes of a friend: continual companion, always there and reacts consistently.
So leaving your dis-ease is like leaving a friend.... Find a new friend to help fill the hole. One, like perhaps your swimming or deep breathing. Something good for you.
You are cared about.
Actually I think it is all more simple than that(not easier to deal with tho) - you were abandoned (and much more) by the family that should have been your lifeline, should have loved and protected you. The sense of abandonment is real and you are grieving for what should have been. You were truly alone in space.
There is good news - you know that you are no longer alone and without a lifeline, grab it and hold on tightly. Take the pills if they help control the physical side-effects enough so that you can cope.
These are truly huge issues that you are dealing with, handle them the best way you can.
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