Friday, October 19, 2007

Hanging On

I don't know what to write. I do appreciate all the support I have received from comments and emails.

I am alternately fearful and tearful. Tho the fear is lessening and the tears increasing. I think this is probably a good thing. I feel exhausted.

I am managing and the dogs are getting their usual care and attention. the puppies 2 weeks tomorrow are doing very well.

I am hoping this is the final clear out and that after this I can hold my own and feel like I really am good enough despite my family's judgement of me as evil.

I realise without my family having prepared me, the religious fundamentalists would never have been able to get their claws into me all those years ago. Had I not already believed I was wicked, their cult thinking would not have impinged upon me.

It can be very confusing and frightening to hold opposing beliefs at the same time. There is the adult logical me that knows all I experienced and was taught was wicked, not me. Yet there is the terrified little boy still with me who believes every word and every action and still believes that if his own parents rejected him he must truly be wicked. And as for God-well God the parent? No wonder that brings me no comfort at all, just more fear.

Somehow or other I need to convince the boy that was to believe me, to trust me, to let me love him and guide him right. I realise that keeping him contained , as I have successfully done for years, is not the way. I have to change his mind. I have to show him that his fear is groundless. I have to show him that those people were wrong and that he is just as worthy as any other human being. Quite how I do this I don't know. I do have to though, that has become obvious. I can't live well with him as he is. I need to rest, as does he.

We both deserve better that this.
Post a Comment