I don't know what to write. I do appreciate all the support I have received from comments and emails.
I am alternately fearful and tearful. Tho the fear is lessening and the tears increasing. I think this is probably a good thing. I feel exhausted.
I am managing and the dogs are getting their usual care and attention. the puppies 2 weeks tomorrow are doing very well.
I am hoping this is the final clear out and that after this I can hold my own and feel like I really am good enough despite my family's judgement of me as evil.
I realise without my family having prepared me, the religious fundamentalists would never have been able to get their claws into me all those years ago. Had I not already believed I was wicked, their cult thinking would not have impinged upon me.
It can be very confusing and frightening to hold opposing beliefs at the same time. There is the adult logical me that knows all I experienced and was taught was wicked, not me. Yet there is the terrified little boy still with me who believes every word and every action and still believes that if his own parents rejected him he must truly be wicked. And as for God-well God the parent? No wonder that brings me no comfort at all, just more fear.
Somehow or other I need to convince the boy that was to believe me, to trust me, to let me love him and guide him right. I realise that keeping him contained , as I have successfully done for years, is not the way. I have to change his mind. I have to show him that his fear is groundless. I have to show him that those people were wrong and that he is just as worthy as any other human being. Quite how I do this I don't know. I do have to though, that has become obvious. I can't live well with him as he is. I need to rest, as does he.
We both deserve better that this.
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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6 comments:
Yes, convincing that inner child is the hardest thing to do. You will probably always be working on it, but can make significant progress!
Keep posting puppy pictures. I want the brown one. (I know I can't fetch it or afford it, but I still want it.)
I also loved the last sock.
You are truly suffering, right now. Maybe you need to take that child within you out to do something fun and different. Are you working him too hard? I want so much to hold your (and his) hand.
Don't worry about tiring any of us. Those of us who read your blog care about you a lot.
And, I agree with Suna about wanting a puppy, even though I can't have it. :)
Take care.
Hang in there friend, you are in the process of healing yourself.
As they say in church, "Amen, Colin!" And how about God as friend? The one who is really looking out for you?
I've known people for whom that idea helped.
I love silly stitcher's idea - maybe you both need a break. YOu've been muddling along by yourself and that cannot be totally good. Maybe an afternoon out with friends and some good food and knitting????
Sending good thoughts your way,
Joan
Colin: your experiences sound quite a lot like mine (you might remember me from a previous email)--...I find that when I am at my wit's end, the best thing I can do is to wrap all that anger and hate up into an imaginary ball and toss it away from me as far as I can toss it. I also read books for years about Adult Children of Alcoholics, of which I am one. If you can't find support from your biological family, adopt a new family who will care about you, or find others to care about for yourself...giving of yourself to others is the best therapy there is.
Most of all, as I'm sure you've come to know, children are not wicked. In fact, well, I'll just leave it there, since we disagree on that issue--but I believe someday you will find it.
Just dropping in again to encourage you that,in time,the horrible grief that you are experiencing will eventually lessen. I know this from experience because I was in the exact same space as you are now about 10 years ago. I now have a granddaughter who has had nothing but love and encouragement in her life and at first it made me feel so angry that I wasn't given the same chances in life as her. Like you, my fear has kept me from accomplishing many things that I would have liked to do but nowadays I feel very grateful that I am alive and enjoy just the simple things in life, especially my family, pets and knitting. Sometimes I feel that love is just about all we need, however, we first have to love ourselves which is very difficult to do when we have been brought up to believe that we are evil. I used to hear my mother's voice over and over again telling me to get down on my knees and pray to God for forgiveness for all my wicked and selfish ways. What a burden to put on a young child! I have come to realize that my mother was an incredibly unhappy person and lashed out at others because of her own pain. I think because I was such a peacemaker, and to some degree still am, I suffered the brunt of her abuse. My brothers tell me that they just thought she was crazy and didn't pay any attention to her. It is extremely difficult to relate to God as our heavenly father when our own fathers were so cruel. Because of my self loathing I was a target for many religious kooks and fanatics, someone even tried to exorcise me when I unwittingly dropped over for "coffee". This led to a terrible breakdown and it was only through some wonderful people from a support group for the mentally ill who taught me how to love and care for myself that I was able to hang on. They were Christians, but not preachy, only offering healing words and helping hands. I hope that someday you will have restful sleeps and that your inner voice of condemnation is silenced. For now, you are coping extremely well and "venting" is just what the doctor ordered. Take care and enjoy those beautiful puppies and just remember to breathe!
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