sunday evening

i feel better than this morning. less fear. have done a lot of crying. the awful pain in my stomach goes when I cry. I remember from that before, 12 years ago, when I went thru something similar. yet it still frightens me. the feeling is dreadful yet once the tears come it dissipates.

I listened to a talk this afternoon at a meeting which turned out to be about forgiveness. that set my tears off again. forgiving seems impossible. how can you forgive such pain? Not that I am sure what it means anyway as I do not want revenge and don't wish bad things.
then i got to thinking that maybe it is myself i need to forgive. for all sorts of things, the ocd, the eating disorder, the self medication, the hating myself, the putting myself in harms way, for choosing friendships with people who only abused me more because i didn't value myself enough to recognize ill treatment. How I managed to find John I don't know. Even that was not as it ought to have been as for many years i thought there was something wrong with him because he always treated me well. i found that very confusing and sometimes still do. He doesn't put me down, he recognizes my needs, he treats me kindly. He doesn't mock me or make me feel ashamed. he has never hit me. He hardly ever raises his voice. He doesn't frighten me.

I have done a lot of harm to myself. I also still feel shame. I feel ashamed of my current state. I feel I ought to be more grown up about it. others are far worse off than me. i worry about writing all this on my blog. vulnerability is not easy. i feel i ought to be 'over this'. but this is where i am and there seems little i can do about it except go with it and try and believe i will come out the other side.

one of the things i was told, apart from that i was possessed by demons(fundies have demons for everything), was that I would die horribly and sooner rather than later because I was offensive to God and I don't mean I said something offensive to god, no that i personally was offensive to god, my very existence.

This is all mixed up with my fear right now. no matter how illogical and wrong it is, the fear is still there and almost overwhelming. I remember laying in bed at night, when a a child and teen, terrified that I was about to be struck down and made to suffer for eternity in hell. now at 48, I am still laying in bed at night fearing the same but with more terror. How the hell did I survive that as a child? It is barely conquerable now so I just don't know how a child could deal with it.
Flashbacks are awful. I do see the illogicality of what I am experiencing but it doesn't stop the experience coming over me in waves.

I am tired now and will stop.