Monday, October 15, 2007

Stormy Weather

This has not been an easy time. Swinging from fear to grief and back and forth like that, with some good hours.

Last night was especially not good. I slept fitfully. John says I kept waking him up by shouting in my sleep. He says I sounded angry. He told me this after I had been for my swim.

During my swim, I came to the conclusion that I feel something I have denied feeling. I hate my dad. I ma not sure what means exactly. I don't wish pain and suffering upon him. I don't wish him ill. However, I do feel strongly that neither of us would be safe if he was physically anywhere near me. I am not sure I would not beat him to mush.

And this is the problem. Anger. I detest it. It terrifies me. His anger was the source of all my problems. His hatred. And I have never wanted to be like him. My own anger frightens me. It also make sme feel guilty and ashamed. How could I be like him? And worse, I am constantly told I should forgive and that forgiveness is withheld form me because I am bad to feel such rage toward my parent.

Well **** that! I do feel rage toward him. So much so it hurts and I have to find a way of letting it go. It colours everything. It keeps me tense.

When I think about him and the words he used toward me, the fear he caused me to feel when in his rages he physically hurt me, the sneers and disgust on his face. The judgement. The condemnation. The lack of love.

How dare he? How dare he father me and then treat me like a worthless piece of shit? How dare he blame me for his behaviour and attitude? What sort of man is he? He used to go and on about what a failure as man I would be and am, but what the f**k sort of man is he? A COWARD? A BULLY? A SELF-CENTRED IMMATURE BOY? A JEALOUS ENVIOUS PROUD FOOL? A LIAR, A FRAUD. ALL MOUTH AND NO TROUSERS? WHAT SORT OF 'MAN' BEATS UP A CHILD MUCH SMALLER THAN HE? WHAT SORT OF MAN TERRORISES A CHILD? BULLIES ONE?

I am far far more of a man than he ever was (or is-I don't even know if he is still alive but think he is because I would know if he wasn't - the same way I found out my mother had died. That's another story.)

Despite him I grew up to be decent and kind person. But one who feels this terrible rage and who feels guilty for it. I am scared of it and ashamed of it. I do not want to be like him.

There is no excuse at all for his behaviour and treatment of me. NONE. It was all him! I did not ask for it. I did not deserve it. I did not fail him. There is nothing wrong with ME! There was something wrong with him, big time. HE was the one with the problem. HE was the one who failed. HE was the one who lacked. HE was the one who did not deserve me.

And frankly I don't give a toss what you, God or any other f***er thinks about how angry I am. I am angry. I have been angry for a very long and I am sick of pretending otherwise. I am also heartily sick of feeling bad about myself for feeling this anger. Why the f**k should I not feel angry? For f**k's sake, look what he did? This isn't just some one off injury. That bastard nearly destroyed me. And he got away with it! It was ME who was punished. ME who paid the price of his sins. ME! How dare that be! If I had got angry years ago I could have protected myself. Instead, I rolled over and took more and more. Not just from him but from others. I spent most of my life apologising for being me. No more!

I know this anger will go but it can't until I at least acknowledge it is there-which I now have-and expressed it which I have begun to.

I don't need to be told to forgive. IF that happens it will happen of it's own accord, as it did with with forgiving my mother.

I want a lot more out of life, I want to live more or it, and I am not carrying that bastard with me to shit all over it.
I am sick of feeling afraid. No. However long it takes, he is going to be exorcised out of me. He will be banished. He will become nothing. And I will be something and enjoying every minute of it.

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