Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Xmas

I went to see Elizabeth last night and we spoke about my pain management and drugs. Simply, I cannot take anti-inflammatories all the time because they will kill me or at least make me very much worse by damaging my kidneys and my already diseased heart. I was resigned to that. I can take a course of 7 days when it's really bad but not more often than every 3 mths ideally.

Later, after we had navigated the supermarket which was full of very inconsiderate people who clearly did not care a toss that I needed to get my shopping and decided they needed to get theirs at the same time. Honestly! Perhaps Tesco should have a 'Colin Only' time slot? Don't you think?

Anyway, I was thinking about my talk with Elizabeth and I suddenly realised that this is probably how I shall die. My disease will not
kill me, exactly, but the treatment will. Assuming they do not come up with other safer drugs. I will eventually have to decide if I want a longer more painful life or a shorter pain free one. The drugs will kill me.

Okay, so I know some of you will think this is rather morbid thinking but for me it isn't. It brings me a sense of relief really. Knowing what I likely face gives me a certain peace. Also it means I get to decide when the time comes whether to kill the pain and hasten my death or not. I like that feeling of being able to decide. It isn't anywhere near that time now, but it will come. For now I manage it really well. I do feel so much better for knowing exactly where I stand with this. It will also make it easier to deal with the present pain. Today I awoke, after a fitful night, sore and not very mobile and it was okay.

I am not sure if I have explained my feeling correctly. I am not saying I give in or anything like that. It's just that knowing where I stand with this is a relief to me. Knowing is better. It will also give me more strength to deal with the present. Knowing my choices is empowering.
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