Tuesday, February 23, 2010

HAUNTED

I recently got involved in a blog written by a lady with a gift for writing. Her writing was about how she escaped Xtian fundy thinking. I identified so much with her. The first post of hers I read was one in which she apologised for how her Xtian ideology damaged others, especially homosexuals. I was very taken with her. I got involved in reading her daily and in reading the comments and responding to some of them.

At same time, my mood was slowly but surely taking a downward path. Then I started having flashbacks and night mares and generally experiencing crap. It took a while to realise that my involvement with this blog was the cause of my flashbacks and night terrors and downward spiralling of my mood.

I wrote to the woman and explained to her why I was no longer going to read her or be involved in her blog. She wrote back a very kind and understanding email confirming my belief in her.

I awoke this morning feeling much lighter.

I have also been avoiding watching films that disturb me. I avoid violence, child abuse, and now stuff like The Tudors. I can’t deal with the violence in them. The Tudors especially has left me with very disturbing images that keep flashing into my mind without warning. The Tudors is very well made and acted but I really can’t stand the very visual cruelty they show-burning of people, beheadings, red hot poker death. Truly awful.

There is apart of me that is pissed off with myself for being so sensitive. Empathy can be a curse. I seem to get more and more sensitive to others as time marches on. I know these things happened centuries ago but it is like I was there and it happened to me. It terrifies me and all I want to do is cry.

I need to protect myself from this onslaught rather than cut myself from feeling. I need to empathise for my work and in order to treat others well and maybe be of use to them. I don’t need to have the horrors of this world constantly in my face. I no longer watch anything to do with war and especially the Holocaust. I was once accused by an ignoramus of not wishing to know about other people’s suffering. As if I don’t know! I don’t watch because I can’t bear to. I have never seen Schindler’s List and have no intention of doing so. I knew a survivor of the camps when I was in my early teens. He shook constantly. His PTSD was severe. Of course, they didn’t call it that then.

--------------------------------------------------------

My swim went well today. I have dogs to bath and will be doing so as soon as this is done. It is still cold here.

As yet, still no news from the IRS. B*stards. This hanging in the air is going on far too long. Nearly six months now.

I am very pleased with my new yarns. They are truly scrumptious. Look here: Knitman’s Kitchen

Post a Comment