Tuesday, February 23, 2010

HAUNTED

I recently got involved in a blog written by a lady with a gift for writing. Her writing was about how she escaped Xtian fundy thinking. I identified so much with her. The first post of hers I read was one in which she apologised for how her Xtian ideology damaged others, especially homosexuals. I was very taken with her. I got involved in reading her daily and in reading the comments and responding to some of them.

At same time, my mood was slowly but surely taking a downward path. Then I started having flashbacks and night mares and generally experiencing crap. It took a while to realise that my involvement with this blog was the cause of my flashbacks and night terrors and downward spiralling of my mood.

I wrote to the woman and explained to her why I was no longer going to read her or be involved in her blog. She wrote back a very kind and understanding email confirming my belief in her.

I awoke this morning feeling much lighter.

I have also been avoiding watching films that disturb me. I avoid violence, child abuse, and now stuff like The Tudors. I can’t deal with the violence in them. The Tudors especially has left me with very disturbing images that keep flashing into my mind without warning. The Tudors is very well made and acted but I really can’t stand the very visual cruelty they show-burning of people, beheadings, red hot poker death. Truly awful.

There is apart of me that is pissed off with myself for being so sensitive. Empathy can be a curse. I seem to get more and more sensitive to others as time marches on. I know these things happened centuries ago but it is like I was there and it happened to me. It terrifies me and all I want to do is cry.

I need to protect myself from this onslaught rather than cut myself from feeling. I need to empathise for my work and in order to treat others well and maybe be of use to them. I don’t need to have the horrors of this world constantly in my face. I no longer watch anything to do with war and especially the Holocaust. I was once accused by an ignoramus of not wishing to know about other people’s suffering. As if I don’t know! I don’t watch because I can’t bear to. I have never seen Schindler’s List and have no intention of doing so. I knew a survivor of the camps when I was in my early teens. He shook constantly. His PTSD was severe. Of course, they didn’t call it that then.

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My swim went well today. I have dogs to bath and will be doing so as soon as this is done. It is still cold here.

As yet, still no news from the IRS. B*stards. This hanging in the air is going on far too long. Nearly six months now.

I am very pleased with my new yarns. They are truly scrumptious. Look here: Knitman’s Kitchen

8 comments:

Knitting-twitter said...

I totally agree with you Colin, movies or whatever which don't make us happy, one should avoid.
I never watch movies from the IIWW
nor do I watch Drama's.. its not that I can't take it, its just that I don't need it in my life. I can't change those times..
Artificial problems don't please,they occupy valuable time and time is the greatest treasure.. I wish you and everybody else a very pleasant day.. ciao ciao from the Lake of Constance Christa

Susie said...

You know what's best for you Colin. I'm sorry you were having such a hard time with this.

Georgina (remoteknitter) said...

Sending you love Colin. If you find an effective way of protecting yourself from pain and yet not withdrawing into isolation and loneliness, do please let me know. I just can't get the balance right.

Iris said...

In which case, I revoke my suggestion to read Augusten Burroughs. Although he approaches his past with a kind of rude and inglorious humor, it would not be a good read for you, I suspect. There is enough sadness and cruelty in the world already to see without exposing yourself to those things from the past that will continue to pick at the scabs you've so carefully nurtured. I can, sometimes, watch things that are somewhat sad, but not often. Tonight is the night we're watching "The Proposal." It sounds like a night for a mindless comedy with Sandra Bullock in it.

BammerKT said...

Sometimes I feel annoyed at myself too because I have to avoid movies with any kid of torture, any child abuse and I also avoid "tear-jerkers". I just tend to let it all soak into me too much and I can't shake the bad feelings. There's enough of that kind of horror in the real world, so I try to pick things that will give better feelings in my "fun time".

Hope the IRS is sorted out soon. The waiting must be awful!

marilyn said...

Hi Colin
I can identify totally with your blog today.
I have quite recently become very emotional and upset whilst watching and/or reading stuff like that.
Whether it's because of abuse that I have suffered in this lifetime, or, as I suspect that it is a "shadow" of cruelty from other lifetimes, I just do not want to be in floods of tears and depressed.
It isn't that I don't care; you know me better than that, but I want peace and quiet, kindness and gentleness in my life now.
I do what good I can in this life (that sounds a bit sanctimonious-but you have told me often enough that I continually justify myself-so "scrub" that!!)and actually my paternal great-grandfather was Jewish so am certainly not of of those wicked Holocaust denyers.
I know what horrors are in the world, I just don't want to join in all the vicarious suffering just for the sake of it.
So there!
Kindred spirits!
Phew-I feel better now!
Lots of love Marilyn xx

Cheyenne said...

Hi Colin,

I'd noticed your absence from the comments on CDW's site lately and so I clicked over to check on you. I really enjoyed your perspective, so I'm sorry you won't be a part of it anymore, but I understand that it's not worth it to you. Best wishes.

FugueStateKnits said...

Colin, I'm the same way - it doesn't matter to me that it's "just a movie." I feel especially the same about the Tudors- it makes my stomach turn to learn about such cruelty, let alone be haunted by visual memories of it!
Reality can be bad enough, I don't watch tv to be emotionally tortured. Yes there are times when I, too, wish I could be "stronger," but it's important to know one's limitations. I can't be of help to everyone if I'm walking around with PTSD and certainly neither can you!
Take care:)
Joan