LOVE NOT LIKE

Elizabeth is an excellent doctor. Prior to her, I distrusted doctors and rarely saw them if I could help it. It was she who recognized the problems I have even though I didn't say anything to her. She is also aware of my background and takes that into consideration when dealing with me. She NEVER refers to my past pysch history and always respects what I say and listens when I tell her I tell her I have a physical problem. She does not ignore it as a psych symptom as all my previous drs did. Because of her, I was found to have angina, not panic attacks, arthritis of the spine, not stress, and fibromyalgia not lazy-itis. Elizabeth understands that some times I don't take in what she tells me. She also never complains that I see her too often. I go thru periods when I go a lot and periods when I see her hardly at all. When I had a lump on one of my balls and a lump in one of my pecs, which seemed to ooze milk, she wasted no time in getting me seen to.

She discusses my treatment with me, she doesn't tell me what it is going to be. She knows I have a thing about taking drugs and never forces me to. She spent some time persuading me to take Statins and I eventually agreed but would only agree to taking Crestor and despite that being the most expensive one, she prescribes it. She gives me scripts and leaves it up to me to take them or not. i tell her the truth and she respects me and tells me the truth. She doesn't say the drugs have no side effects when they do! I had the Tramadol nearly two years before I was forced by pain to take it. When I told her, she just smiled and said she knew I would eventually take it.

I sometimes get a kiss and a hug. On the days I have been in deep grief and have seen her she just gives me time and reassurance. Grief makes me feel like I am dying, she knows that, and deals with it appropriately. She never rushes me nor dismisses me. She lets me be me.

Elizabeth is only a handful of years younger than I am and maybe she won't be my doctor for my life time. I prefer to not think about that.

John's doctor Stuart, is also excellent and he too has bothered to get to know us both and treats us accordingly. He understands my issues. He also understands that if he wants to know how John really is, he needs to ask me!

I was very wary and hesitant at first when signing on with this practice. I was seen as an emergency there because I was violently ill with food poisoning. I was so impressed with the level of care I received I asked if it would be okay to sign on as a patient even though my doctor and flat are in London. Clearly I was allowed to on the understanding that if I took sick in the flat, I would not be able to call them.

I did not know at the time that the Drs in this practice were all Xtians. Had I known this, I would not have signed on. Too late to change my mind once I knew. They vary from sensible to fundamentalist in their practice of their faith. Elizabeth is sensible and Stuart is a Fundy.

However, you would not know this from them or from the way they treat us. We are treated as a married couple by both. Elizabeth thinks it is romantic that we still care so much for each other after 28 years. I have even had to take a mobile call from John whilst she was consulting with me and she went all gooey! Stuart never treats us oddly or indifferently nor doe she patronize nor has he ever said anything about his position or his fundy beliefs.

Both of these people seem to understand that the command to 'love one another' does not mean to like but to care for regardless of personal feelings or thoughts. In other words we are duty bound, all of us, to treat all with respect and care for when necessary regardless of how we may feel abotu others. It has nothing to do with emotional attachment. We are not commanded to like everyone because that is impossible. Loving everyone isn't impossible and is easy if we but stop and think about what it means. We get it confused with the strong emotions we feel toward our spouses, children, friends, pets. It isn';t that feeling. we can't possibly feel that toward all and sundry. There is much doubt that this form of love is even love anyway, but just emotional attachment which is entirely different and not always beneficial.

To treat another with positive regard always, no matter how we personally may feel, is our duty and it benefits all concerned.

Forget about liking everyone. Not going to happen. It isn't about that.

HOUSEWORK

I don't do it. Never have done it. I hate it. You do it, and it needs doing again. Don't do it and you don't have to not do it again. Not doing it just once is enough. I like that.

Now that I am crippled, no one asks why I don't nor comments on it. I like that. Ssee, there is a silver lining to every cloud.

I DO keep my dogs clean and tidy. And myself. So my house does not smell. It's just not tidy. If you are a neat freak or don't like dogs, you aint welcome.

Oh and I grew up with a neat freak and that is why I am not. My OCD went in other directions.

When I really think something has to be done, I seek out a neat freak at the local OCD clinic to come and blitz my house. They love it, do it for free, and their family gets some respite from them.

TIPPING THE BALANCE

I was talking with Lia in Germany and had to cut her short because I needed to go you know where cos of you know what.

I was feeling sorry for myself. I took some pills, went to bed. Woken up by dogs barking, yelled at them to shut it, and went back to sleep. Later my neighbour knocked on the door to hand me a parcel she had taken delivery of for me. Now I know why the dogs barked.

After my nap I felt better and I even managed to pick up dog doo in the garden. I felt a little to free 'n' easy and realised I was wearing just my nightshirt and when I bent forward my bits were swinging in the wind. I thought I did not want to make any peering neighbours envious and went back inside to put trousers on. Sigh. It really has not been a good day. I got my trousers all twisted and yes, I fell over again, only this time I took a while to get back up. My hips and knee took the brunt so that's them buggered for a while. I still picked up the shit though.

I forgot to feed the dogs at their usual time. I forgot to feed myself. Everything has been arse upwards today.

The one thing that has gone well though is my Schaefer 'Anne' yarn sock on the 1.5mm needles (yes that is right, 1.5mm). I am almost up to my heel turn and the needles are still str8. Amazing. All my 2mm and 2.25 are bent. At 12 sts and 16 rows to the inch, they feel really good, just right for cocks.

Perhaps one of you could come up with a good reason as to why by balance is crap. I fall all the time. Or rather I stumble. Indoors, outdoors, wherever, I stumble everyday, perhaps several times. I rarely fall as I am usually using two sticks. It isn't just the obvious, like trying to get up from sitting, or getting out of bed, or moving forward as in walking. I also 'go' even when stood still talking. I just suddenly start to topple. When I asked my Dr about this she gave me some silly age related story that over 30 we all start to not be able to balance so well! Bollocks. John is 62 and he doesn't do this. When I go out, I don't see people toppling all over the place nor falling. Oh and I am also very clumsy, I drop things all the time. I can no longer write and can't type proficiently which I used to be able to do.

I have arthritis of the spine, fibromyalgia, heart disease and an 'unspecified' neurological problem which the neuro explained was my brain shutting off certain bits because it was overloaded with pain signals, thus why I get confused and my stutter comes back and I forget things. I really space out. He didn't think I had MS.

Now what the hell is up with my balance then? And why can't I write or type now? My hand writing is illegible even to me and it hurts to attempt it and takes much concentration and still comes out crap. The typing I can do but not at 80wpm and not accurately now. I use dot be very good at two finger typing, no errors. Not now. 50 is too young for age to explain it. And my eyes sight changes from -3.25 to -2.25 in each eye every time I have them tested! The last time they were 2.25 in each and this time they were -2.75 and -2.5.This works out expensive. (and no it isn't the optometrist pulling a fast one cos I have used at least 3 different ones)

BACK TRACKING

When I started to us the morphine, my guts stopped working. So my Doc gave me a powder to take. Nothing happened for several days and then it happened-too often and too much! So I quit taking it. Especially as the morphine use is occasional.

Now I am back to going several times a day, suddenly and with noisy guts and pain. So I started to get worried again.

Well I recalled two things that allayed my fears last time the IBS was like this. One, when asleep my gut stopped messing around. A really good indicator that it isn't organic. Meaning if it stops during sleep, the problem can't be cancer, gal stones, infection, ulcers etc. The other thing is taking muscle relaxants. If the gut shuts up and you stop needing to go to the loo, this is also a good indicator. I still worry about it though! It is hard to ignore a cramping, noisy gut that keeps sending you to the loo. Even more difficult to believe it isn't anything but IBS. Despite the absence of symptoms when asleep and the muscle relaxant effectively stopping it. Trust issues again.

(you know, if you knew what I did to my body in 25 years of active anorexia/bulimia, you may not be surprised at my current health difficulties.)

I was unable to swim today as I felt completely exhausted yesterday and generally ill so knew I would have to have a lazy day toady. I do so HATE this. Oh I know I am lucky and I have no trouble filling my time on the days spent indoors and in my nightclothes. I just don't like being controlled either by others or by my bloody body.

So more to the point is why my IBS should be playing me up now.

It isn't that John is not here until Sunday although I am not comfortable whth that. I do think I am stressing over the disability forms and worrying that I might have another battle on my hands. Since my spinal arthritis has got worse and I can hardly use my hands to write now, plus I can do even less than when I first won the claim, I don't see why I won't succeed. Hopefully they will give me a life award instead of the 3 years at a time. My disease is not going to to go way. Plus with the CHD and FMS on top, I am ain't going to better but worse. I already have a lifetime incapacity award.

Now you can giggle at my expense. I was bathing a dog and needed to sit on the loo. All went well until I returned to the dog. I fell arse over tit right into the bath, much to Bridget's delight as she thought it was a game. You see, I had trouble pulling my trousers up and the braces got caught between my legs, thus I was tangled and almost mangled!

Who needs to drink?

SPONTANEITY

John has gone to Edinburgh today for a conference and I will not see him until Sunday evening. It makes the week seem very long as well as makes me feel insecure. I always think 'what if I fall over and can't get up?' or some such thing.

I had a dream about grief last night. I can't recall it all but know the theme was about how grief never leaves one, one carried it around like a suitcase that was tied to one by a chain. Or so it seemed in the dream. I think this was possibly triggered by a scene in Grey's Anatomy. Alex, one of the male characters that I do not like, expressed his grief. It was one of those scenes which makes me spontaneously cry. No warning, no lump in throat, just a sudden gush of grief. Hard to describe really, it's almost like something just takes a leap out me in a split second and I find myself feeling grief again. (I feel differently toward this character, Alex, now.)

I must be quite mad. I am knitting a pair of socks with Schaefer 'Anne' on 1.5mm needles!

James was fine at training last night. It appears then that it is the outside, specifically the breeze/wind, that he is afraid of. It was very windy the day of the fire and he was caught up in that.

I went for my swim this morning and whilst it was more difficult it went okay. The water was colder than usual and this made it more painful for me. I don't warm up, I get colder.


More photographs of Pest. This is the Budapest version of the Arc de Triumph. I think you may have gathered that I like sculpture / architecture / art. It amazes me what humans can create.

YARN ON EBAY

LAMBSWOOL

Click on above link and when you get there, click on 'view sellers other items' to see other yarns.

I am going to start putting much of my stash up on Ebay.

COLD AND WET

I spent yesterday sleeping, knitting and watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I also bathed Luque in the evening.

I have been for my swim this morning but am pretty sore today so I shall sleep some more and knit and watch DVD's!

It is a dull, cold and wet day.

Oh, and Sunday I discovered that my hand held Dyson that I used for cleaning the knitting machines was also stolen in the burglary. Too late to add it to the insurance claim.

Below are more photographs of animals at the Zoo in Budapest.

THICKY FINGER

I didn't write about the fire two week ago.

We were sitting indoors and the dogs were in the garden when we suddenly heard the puppies screaming. I rushed out to be met with flames over 20 feet high and lots and lots of smoke, so much that one could hardly see the dogs. They of course were terrified. I immediately called 999 and the fire brigade.

Our neighbour had set light to a bonfire, on a very windy day, right next to out fencing and hedgerow. The whole lot went up. It was very scary. It was so close to the house and with the wind....

Anyway, the fire engines duly arrived, all was made safe, and we settled down, dogs included.

So I thought.

James has been traumatised by it. He is scared when out now. Whether on his own or with the adults. He huddles by the back door if it's windy and when I take him for walks, he has his tail down, though he appears to want to go for the walk and does not struggle on the lead or seem reticent at all. He does survey his surroundings all the time and is skittish.

Prior to the fire, he was bold and fearless and at show training people remarked on how well he showed himself. I have no idea if he will come back to himself or not.

Even I was scared of that fire. It was loud, the flames were 20ft or so high, the house filled with smoke. Almost a nightmare come true.

Yesterday's show was enjoyable. Whitney was 5th in her class. I enjoyed chatting with people and also watching the judging which I did to the end. To say it was very interesting is an understatement.

I have come to the conclusion that it is best to say nothing here or at the shows about judging goings on. Why? Because it detracts from those who did well. No matter what I think of the judging, it should remain private.

In the end, most of those not placed or not placed highly enough will think the judge was crooked, stupid, ignorant or past it. Very few of us just accept it or heaven forbid, think there was better dog there. Best keep quiet.
I had people complain to me about the judging the day Whitney won Best of Breed, and those moaning to me always added-she was right about your girl though! As if that made it alright to diss the judging to me!

Surprisingly, there are many opportunities for growth, both spiritually and personally at shows if we but be aware.

As usual, I felt really okay when I got home yesterday(drugs) and I had plans for today. Waking up this morning and struggling to get put of bed, I knew my plans were unrealistic and I am going to do nothing. Not that I have a choice really.

My driving finger, the middle one on my right hand,(think about it) is a nice shade of purple black, right down to the root and part way into the top of my hand. It is better today than yesterday. It rather frightened me when I saw it because I thought it might be about to drop off or something. Anyway, I went to the Dr on the show ground. He knew immediately that I had arthritis and CHD, that I take blood thinners, and heavy duty painkillers. Why? Well my knuckles are bigger than they ought to be, the purple black is blood and therefore I bleed easily and I must take heavy pain killers because I was unaware that I had hurt myself which I must have done because the finger was rather swollen, purple black, and not bendable yet didn't hurt a jot. Still it looks quite good though today it is looking more pinky brown with yellow edges.

Back to dog showing. I have been really pleasantly surprised at the congratulations and cards I have received from people for Whitney's big win.

I am even more surprised at how many people, strangers, come up to me just to tell me how well dressed they think I am. They say things like how lovely it is to see such a colourful charcater at the shows again, how I brighten their day. Me? I am gob smacked that is such a big deal and that people are kind enough to tell me so. At the last show this silver haired lady stopped me, looked me up and down, and said: You look splendid. I was expecting to be told off!

People are constantly surprising me. I surprise myself. How did I go from black, brown, beige track suits to this? I would never have pictured myself like I am today.

Oh and on one of my sock lists, a lady has taken umbridge. I am so sad to see her go.(and I already slapped myself so you don't have to.)

BATH AND SOUTHERN COUNTIES

Click on picture for larger view.

Above is what I will wear to Bath show on Monday.
Below is the tentative outfit for Southern Counties on 5th June. I may change the trousers and the shoes.
Of course I will press the trousers too!

NILS

The yarn is a standard sock weight (4ply, Fingering) which was dyed for me as a gift from my friend Nana (Diana) in Heidelberg, Germany. Aren't the colours lovely?
I knitted them using the Andersson Method of construction and the Andersson Heel Mach II. Each sock was knitted on it's own 2mm circular needle, one Knit Pro (KnitPicks) and the other Hiya Hiya.

YARN ON THE HOOF

I should be done with the custom dyed socks today,very nearly used up the yarn. I shall then go back to my yo cable socks using the Lorna's Lace Shepherd Sock. I shall try not to have several pairs on the go again as it seems to take forever to finish a pair.

My swim went well. That is 4 days this week and back up to my usual amount of laps. I am pleased with this as you might imagine. However, my ability to walk has lessened but I don't really care much about that.

Yesterday, I chose not to swim and I had a day of knitting and watching DVD's. I had planned to go to the Littleport service to see a medium whose work I respect. I debated whether or not I needed to take some drugs and in the end decided I would. Not long after I took them, the telephone rang. It was the President of the church asking me if I would fill in as the booked medium couldn't make it. I agreed. I know it is only a little thing, but I normally would not have bothered with the drugs. I also could not get either neighbour to put my wheelchair (manual) in the car for me as neither was in. If I go just to take part in the service, I take my wheelchair because I cannot sit in the normal chairs. The point of this is that 1. I had napped in the afternoon, 2. I had done nothing all day 3. I had taken drugs and 4. I didn't need the chair. You see, I was prepared to work that night even though I didn't know I was going to until the last minute. Funny how things work out.

We have a three day weekend this weekend. On Monday I have Bath Championship Dog Show to attend. The weather people say it is going to be dry and warm. This show is usually wet and muddy. Seems not this year which will make life easier.The judge is a new one to me.

I am going to wear my ecru jacket, Panda waistcoat ( it has Panda's all over it) and bow tie, green trousers and the green with flowers on Docs. Topped off with a Panama.
All of these were taken at Budapest Zoo.

RIGHTS?

We live in strange times. People seem to think we have an innate human right to live. We do not. Those of us alive are lucky, though even that is completely subjective. We do have the right to live without others interfering either in the quality or ending it, but we do not have the right to life itself. Also, it seems common now for people to say that children dying before their parents is outside the natural order. what planet have these people been living on? Did they never go to school? Ever heard of history? It is only in recent times that children could be expected live beyond childhood. Most died before their parents.

It seems that denial has become the drug of choice. We deny that we can get ill and die. We deny that we might get killed in accident. We deny, deny, deny. And we also have this arrogant assumption that it is unfair if we do not live forever or at least until our 90's well and then to die in our sleep. We are so into denial that people, doctors included, blame us for our ills and our deaths. If you die then it is your fault. It is because you ate the wrong foods, smoked, drank coffee or didn't, drank tea or didn't, exercised too little or too much. Whatever you die of, it was your fault. And heaven forbid your thinking is so negative that not only do you get cancer but if you die from it, it is your fault because you did not do your visualization exercises, you harboured resentments, your thinking was too negative. In short it was YOUR FAULT for not being good enough. we all know that bad things only happen to bad people right? Be good, be nice, say your prayers accept Jesus into your life and nothing bad will happen to you. If it does, well then you are a liar aren't you? You couldn't possibly have been a good person.

Oh speaking of life and death, how can any country still call itself civilised and still kill people by law? Capital Punishment is an evil that only adds to the evil. It does nothing for the good. It is state controlled vengeance. Funny how it's supporters also insist they have the right to tell a woman that she must stay pregnant when she wishes not to. It is not their business and is only the business of the woman who is pregnant. As unpalatable as abortion is, the only person who has any say in the matter is the woman who is pregnant. So what if we don't like abortion, if we think it is murder, we do not have the right to force another human being to live according to our idea. I think TV evangelism is evil but I don't have the right to stop it or force others to think as I do.

We do need to protect the born. they have a right to not be corrupted by us. We corrupt them on a daily basis. By teaching them the lie about being good and nothing bad will happen. By indoctrinating them with religion under the guise of 'saving' them when in fact we are merely controlling how they think and corrupting their ability to think. By moulding them into what we want them to be, into how a boy should be, how a girl should be, instead if just letting our children be. Far from that resulting in anarchy and a world populated with out of control self centred people,it would produce the opposite. In fact the world is already populated by self centred out of control people. So much for our efforts at control!

If only we truly trusted that babies can grow into loving, empathetic adults because that is what is in them. Instead we start with the premise that babies harbour evil that must be vanquished or controlled. Far from babies being tainted by Original Sin, the Original Sin is believing that they are sinful in the beginning. How sad and yet ridiculous.



I finished watching the entire second series of Brothers and Sisters and am now watching series 4 of Grey's Anatomy. I have the first series of the spin off from this series but can't recall what it is called! I then have Primeval to watch and Spooks Code 9.

I am awaiting the 5th series of Desperate Housewives. I did not find out it was on TV until it had been on for weeks so have waited for the DVD. There are so many channels and they swap and change dates and times so that it is hard to keep track. At least with DVD I do not have to watch bloody ads. We are becoming, though not quite, like the USA with the ads. When I was there in 97 I was appalled at the TV and the ads. How on earth does anyone manage to follow or concentrate? And no warning either. One minute Bobby Ewing was talking and the next someone was yelling excitedly about a toilet cleaner. I hope we don't go that far.

I have almost completed a stocking stitch pair of socks using a yarn that was custom dyed for me by my German friend, Nana. I really like these and the way the colour has distributed.

I was in bed and asleep by 10.15pm last night, I awoke with the alarm at 5am and knew I wasn't going to get up and go swimming. I thought I would go later but did not awake again until 7am.Then I had much trouble just trying to get out of bed. So today I have the hump. I took my normal heart drugs and pain killers but they not done a complete job. Not enough to resort to morphine and anyway I can't until a minimum of 4 hours after the others. I will do nothing today.

The photographs are all on the Pest side of the Danube.

HONEST, YOUR HONOUR

Well, Your Honour,they just appeared. Really they did. You see, all of my life, from when I was a boy, I have wanted to emulate my idol, Samantha Stevens. Every day all I have done is practice twitching my nose just like her but until now nothing ever happened. Recently, whenever I have twitched my nose, the postwoman has brought me either a pair of Doc Martens or a pair of Kickers. Okay, so they didn't just materialise like they would for Mrs Stevens, but you have to agree that I am getting there. And that, Your Honour, is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. (Edit: Samantha did twitch her nose so I am not sure what Fred meant in the comments section of this post.)

PROFESSIONAL FORM FILLER -EXPALANTION

Okay, these are not paid people. They are volunteers who are trained to fill out these forms. They understand them and know what is expected in order for the claim to be successful.

And yes, we do have to fill it in from the 'worst day' point of view. I have had a successful claim for the last 5 years but now it is up for renewal. The experts view is I ought to be on it for life, not 3 yearly stages, as I have a progressive problem that will only get worse not better and I am certainly worse now overall. Just the example of not being able to propel myself in the manual wheelchair shows that. Also, now if I go out and do stuff Monday, I stay in Tuesday. Even a trip to the mall in Daniel with John and I am exhausted and do nothing the following day. I am not complaining, just showing how it is. Of course my 'nothing' is filled with the pc and knitting and watching dvd's and talking soft to the dogs who adore me and lap up every word.....Seriously, without the net, my life would be very very much poorer and maybe unbearable. It gives me the 'people time' I need on my times and I don';t have to get out of my pyjama's or shave or anything. I don't have to try, I can just be.

re morphine-I took it tonight. It really does stop it all, including the hands. But I couldn't drive or go out. My doc says I could if I took it regularly as I would become accustomed to it but neither of us want me to do that until I really really need to.

PROFESSIONAL FORM FILLER

I enjoyed seeing the other persons' Lhasa Apso yesterday. I particularly liked a male, his nephew and his sister.

I have had two good days so far and today seems to be going that way too. I had another normal swim today. The first time for months that I have managed that two days running.

I am going to have to get help from a professional form filler for this bloody disability form. It is so complicated and weird. I am sure it is designed so that few people will go through with it.

BUREAUCRACY ON DRUGS

Last evening's service went very well. It was an opportunity for me to develop my tolerance levels. Twins come to this service and they are 'special'. They can be quite talkative and distracting. I had to ask them to be quiet several times and I managed to so without getting snappy. They aren't so special that they don't know they need to be quiet. They tend to be 'message grabbers', meaning they think ever word spoken is for them.

The forms I have to fill in are proving truly vexing. 'How many times do you go to the toilet in a day and how many minutes do you take to do so?'. Most of the questions are like this one. If I am not disabled now, I certainly will be by the time this damned form is completed.

I am going to visit another Lhasa Apso breeder today and I will take Whitney, James, Bridget and Carly with me.

I managed a swim today. Yesterday was okay pain wise. Quite why Saturday was so bad pain wise I don't know, but that is just the way it goes.



This is the tunnel that one drives thru to get into Buda. There is then a bridge (more than one) which goes over the Danube into Pest. In case you don't know, Budapest was two towns, Buda and Pest that have been amalgamated into one city.
Now his is a bit more butch don't you think?
This is a Lada, an old Russian car. Here in the UK it was called a Lada Riva as Lada used to sell here in the 80's because they were cheap and reliable, though ugly. My first brand new car was a Lada Samara. The car above might be a Trabant but it certainly looks like a Lada Riva to me.
This one tries hard but ends up looking like a man trying to look butch.(above)

BEGGING FOR RIGHTS

Yesterday I went to The Guild of Machine Knitters day held in town. I had a good time. I met 'net' people that I know, Jane, Alison and Ann. Seeing the garments people had made got my juices flowing so I have been thinking of things I might try on the machines.

I would have liked to have stayed and seen Bill King and his designs but I was having a bad day pain wise. Even though I was in Daniel, the pain was bad. I get this awful cramping down my legs when I sit for any length of time, when it's a bad day. I then have to get up for a bit until pain forces me to sit again. Days like this are up and down and up and down till I just go to bed and sleep. I left and came home where I promptly went to bed. I took more pills when I got up and a couple of hours later I was calling the out of hours doctor to ask if I could take the morphine on top of the Tramadol I had taken. The answer was no. The doctor was really very nice and explained that Tramadol and Morphine are both opiates. Anyway, she did say I could take more after 4 hours instead of my usual 6 hours.

I didn't knit because I was in too much pain. I did watch The Andromeda Strain which as a superior made for tv programme we watched on DVD.I enjoyed and managed to stay still and ignore my body enough to follow the film.

There is no rhyme nor reason to it. I did not do much Friday, certainly nothing like walking or lifting. I can't remember the last time the pain was that bad and the pills not knocking it on the head.

Today I have to fill out forms for the government regarding my disabilities and health. I hate doing this. This is the third time for me. Hopefully this time they will write me off for life instead of 3 years. My disease is progressive, I won't get better, so really it would save much time and effort on all our parts. Strangely, I am written off for life as regards illness. I will get the incapacity for life. This is something different, this is for Disability on top. This is the one I had to fight for, and won before. Now i have to do it all over again. Hopefully though I will not have to fight this time as the situation is the same and I am physically worse than I was when I first applied. All I needed was the Blue Badge (disabled river parking etc) and had no idea it would involve all this bureaucracy. And they treat you as if you are a criminal from the outset, trying to defraud the government. The whole process is humiliating. Even the doctors find it infuriating because their competence is called into question too! I had to see a Government doctor for him to check that my 3 doctors were telling the truth! Even then they go it wrong and the panel lied saying there was no supporting medical evidence. There was, x-rays, and a neuro report which they chose to ignore. This is why I won my appeal.

These forms are so complicated that even John and I can't comprehend them fully so we have to have a professional form filler do it for us. Thank fully, my dear friend Linda (she bred Whitney) is one such person so we will spend much time on the telephone today with her while John writes it down. John has to write because I can't write any more. I can write but it takes so much effort and is still illegible!

I am going to give another service tonight. Not far away. I am looking forward to it. This is a place I can relax in and stay sitting. It is a purpose built church, not a hall.

I have some very attractive mandarin coloured cashmere to knit into a sweater for myself. I swatched a few days ago, the same time as I swatched the violet cashmere. After this, I am going to do something different, a waistcoat maybe. Maybe using the knitting machines version of weaving. Maybe not. But something different anyway.

More Buda below: