EPIPHANY

Since my epiphany almost 4 years ago, I have changed. Really changed. Although maybe I haven't and the real me just came to the surface? Whatever, it is remarkable. This change is still happening.

First of all, because the epiphany was the realisation that I had been abused because of who the abusers were and not because of who I was able to release the final, and worst, pain and grief. I thought at the time it would kill me. Fortunately, my Doctor understood what was happening and understood why my gut was so affected. Grief really does hurt physically and takes it's toll on the body.

As a result people who were in my life are no longer. People who made me feel bad. People I had in my life because of guilt feelings I had. People who knew all about my past and used it manipulate me. When I think of that, it appalls me. That is truly wicked.

The reason for writing this today is because of another side effect of my release which I could not have anticipated. My taste in music has grown wider. The most surprising to me is that I am now including male singers. Apart from 3 albums by David Bowie back in the early 70's, I have never bought music by male singers. I have recently bought Nivarna Unplugged. Yes, I know!!!! If you had told me I would like this I'd have asked you what drug you were on! Now, I have just ordered 3 cds by Noah and The Whale. Their name is synchronistic too as I have been thinking a lot about the biblical story of Noah and The Whale and my astonishment that there are people who believe it is true!

I have added the following artists to my new likes: Amy MacDonald, Adele, Amy Winehouse, Laura Marling, Katie Melua, Beth Rowley, Mary Gauthier, Madeleine Peyroux, Lily Allen, Eliza Dolittle, Imelda May, Blue Harlem, Devil Doll. Mostly different genres.

Prior to this, my likes were Carly Simon, Amanda Lear, Joni MItchell, Carole King and Donna Summer. That was it.

This is exciting to me. I love music and now being able to hear new artists and appreciate them is wonderful for me.

The most obvious change is the way I dress. I see photographs of myself dressed for dog shows and I still get a shock! Yes. A shock. It is so not the me I used to be! I love the new me though.

I am also now more able to tolerate emotional situations I was not able to previously. I am able to make a stand against wickedness and not feel battered and bruised by it nor be sent back to flashbacks and panic. I mean by this that I am able to write, as I did last night, in counter attack on those people who would defend the Roman Catholic Church and it's stance on protecting abusive clergy. Yes, there are many who do indeed defend that. So I write on opposition to it. Not because I have any hope of changing the mind of those writing such wickedness because I know full well their mind set and I am not going to able to change them with a few words. However, by writing as I do, other survivors take something from it that helps them. How can I make such an arrogant claim? Simply because I get hundreds of e-mails from people the world over telling me how my words have helped them along their path toward light. I am more than humbled by this. Anyway, I have awoken feeling good today which is not my experience of past involvement in such exchanges.

VENGEANCE-THE DEAD END

“You are acceptable just as you are. Right now. Right here. Not when you or others feel that you are good enough. But now. Who you are. Just as you are. No matter what you have done no matter what you will do.”

Above is what I wrote in my last post entitled GOOD ENOUGH. Below is part of a comment that was left in response to it:

I think, your last sentences could be misunderstood by some people and be taken as excuse for them being dangerous for themselves or others. "no matter what we do" could be interpreted by an amoral being in the way, that it would have proof of or be justified in the fact, that torturing or killing living, feeling fellow beings is o.k.

My first reaction to the comment was an inpatient sigh. Then when I began to think about it I realise that the comment illustrates very well the infection of the human mind by religion based upon rewards and punishments. As a result of this human beings just cannot see how any person could possibly behave well without the threat of supernatural punishment.

I believe the converse is true. I believe the more we tell people how bad they are and how they are going to be eternally damned for their badness, the more likely they are to behave badly.

However this is not really the issue. The issue is I made a statement of fact as I understand it as regards unconditional love. I am not about to change the definition of unconditional love because somebody may decide that as they are loved unconditionally just as they are they have carte blanche to do whatever they wish! One cannot turn the truth into a lie because of fear although of course this is done all the time. Hence the world we live in.

I do find it very sad that people seem unable to conceive of an unconditional love and also seem completely unable to imagine forgiveness let alone give it. We human beings just cannot abide by the idea that hateful acts should be met by love. We would rather continue to suffer ourselves just to see somebody else get what we think is their just deserts.

None of us are in any place to judge. We do not walk in anybody shoes but our own. As cliched as that is it is very true.

I know from my own personal experience that there is nothing more painful than facing the truth.NOTHING. I also know that the only way to attain peace is to face the truth and experience it.

Although I was unaware of it at the time, that my wishing nothing but peace for those people that made my childhood living hell, and much of my adult hood as a result, will mean that they will have to face the truth and feel it or they will not have peace.

What better justice is that? Anybody who has truly faced and felt the truth of the damage that they did, or they had done to them, knows of what I speak.

There is no other justice that makes sense. The idea that my abusers will be reincarnated as abusees is just sick and clearly has not been thought through. This type of Karma which many people believe in means that people who molest and terrorise and beat up children are only carrying out a divine plan!

There is nothing I could do to my abusers that would make them feel what I felt because they are not me. There is nothing that could be done to my abusers that would lessen in any way my own suffering.

It is my understanding that as part of spiritual growth, the attainment of peace, which I believe does not end with the death of the body, that each of us has to face the truth of our lives and the effect that we have had on others for both ill and good. To feel what we made others feel. Now that is justice.

Even if death is the end and there is no spirituality, then my contention that there is nothing I or anybody else could do to my abusers that would make up in any way for what was done to me still stands. I do not want anything for them other than peace. People who are at peace with themselves do not abuse other people. I certainly am not letting them have any more of my life by holding on to the idea that they must pay for what they did. If life is eternal, they will in the manner that I described. If life is a waste of time and when we are dead we are dead, well we won’t be around to give a shit will we?

I also know from first-hand experience that no matter how hard we repress, suppress, and deny the truth is always there and it will make itself known through pain and suffering in our lives.

Monsters do not just pop up out of nowhere.They are created. By us. By their parents. By society. By us. Until we accept this, it is likely that we will continue to suffer the results of such people in our societies.

If we cannot let go of our need for vengeance, if we do not stop denying our vengeance and calling it a desire for justice, we won’t know peace.

It is clear that the majority of people believe in a God of vengeance and damnation despite their protestations that their God is a God of love! Clearly a God who offers love with one hand and vengeance with the other is no better than human the reason being is our own human limitation that causes us to reject the idea of unconditional love out of hand because we cannot conceive of it ourselves. It might help if we stop confusing love with like, or emotional attachment. It is perfectly possible to love somebody one really does not like. It has nothing to do with the way that we feel, but with the way that we act. We can treat somebody well unconditionally. It really is possible. Doctors and nurses do it all the time! There is nobody that I would miss treat because of the way I feel about them. Now if that is possible for me, I certainly know it’s possible for you, and I cannot imagine the power of this kind of unconditional love from an omnipotent God.

AVOIDABLE GRIEF

Britain has a bad reputation for the way it mistreats it’s children.

In the early hours of yesterday morning, a coach with five teachers and 40 pupils came off the road. Many were injured and a 17 yr old girl was killed.

This happened during a BLIZZARD. The weather had been forecast for almost a week before hand. The blizzard was well under way before this coach even left.

It beggars belief doesn’t it that this coach was even on the road?

What were the parents of these children thinking?

What were the teachers thinking?

What was the coach driver thinking?

What was the head of the school thinking?

What was the coach company thinking?

What none of them were thinking was that the children come FIRST!!!!

If any of them had thought about the children, their welfare and safety, first, this awful, awful tragedy would not have happened.

Few seem to understand the concept of personal responsibility. Few seem to understand what it means to put children first and foremost always.

Most accidents are nothing of the sort. This wasn’t. It had a cause-neglect of duty.

In this country, about 3 children a week are killed by their parents/carers through abuse. In every case it has been allowed to happen by other adults because they neglect their duty. They put the needs of adults first.

Our world would be much closer to the world we long for if we only would love and respect our children. Love is an action, not a feeling. If we truly love, then we ACT like we do! We don’t love what we fear(we can’t- fear cancels love out-hence you cannot love and fear God.) and we don’t love what we abuse.

All of those involved in this will suffer greatly. Will they understand why? Will they learn?

Pain of itself does not teach. Only if we accept personal responsibility for our pain. If we blame others, we don’t learn. Often others do cause us pain, but it is still OUR pain and our responsibility to deal with it.

If a person comes along and kicks you hard enough to break your leg, you can lay their screaming in pain and rightly blaming your attacker. However, if you expect your attacker to fix it, you will remain in pain and become crippled. YOU have to fix it and in the process you will learn.

Those who read this blog, will know that I was caused a great deal of anguish and pain by others. You will also know that I, ME, fixed it. I didn’t expect my abusers to, although the inner hope that one day they would apologise and love me could be interpreted as such an expectation. However, it was always I who searched for healing and I knew I had to heal myself.

Yes, those people who hurt me were to blame. There is nothing wrong in blaming. In fact it is a necessary part of healing to put the blame where it belongs. Unlike what is often taught in 12 step groups. It is very damaging and is just another way of avoiding truth to insist that blaming is wrong or unhealthy. Healing will never truly happen, for either party, if blame isn’t apportioned. Not blaming keeps the victim in their place and keeps the abuser off the hook.

LETTING GO

It sometimes takes a while for me to know what it is I am feeling or why I am feeling it. I am feeling crap. I just figured it out. Today especially I have had the hump mostly and tonight have really felt 'at the end of my tether' and I have been more conscious than usual of the physical hurt.

I finally realised it is because I am selling off my stash. It has taken a very long time to work up to this. Now it is happening. It's going cone by cone, daily. It is much harder than I thought it would be.

Oh, yes, it's certainly hard work, packing, labelling, going to the PO. This isn't what I mean though.

It is letting go of that part of my life. I have stopped telling myself I will be able to knit it up. I have stopped telling myself my condition is only temporary. I have stopped telling myself I can handle the machines. I have stopped telling myself I can go back to earning a living through my knitting. I can't now nor will I ever be able to again. And as much as I would like to say to John 'look, I have got all the money back.' it won't be and he would never even think about it anyway.

As much as I love that yarn and it hurts to pack it and send it off to someone else, I know I can never knit it up. Oh, I can knit up some for me and John and the odd friend but over time and certainly not use up the mountain of stash I have.

You will know what I mean, if you knit. I see the yarn, see the colours, and in my mind I am already imagining what it can become, yet instead of that, I am sending it away.

It is also accepting, in a different way, my physical limitations now. Yes, I have made made many compromises. I use sticks, I use a wheelchair, I lost a lot of weight. I rest. I make sure I move (swim). If I am out one day, I know to rest the next.

Yet I still clung to the idea that I would use up my stash, that I would soon be zipping away on my machines and selling enough garments to pay my way, enough to use the stash up. How's that for daft?

It seems really silly to say it feels like grief to see it go but it does.

SPONTANEITY

John has gone to Edinburgh today for a conference and I will not see him until Sunday evening. It makes the week seem very long as well as makes me feel insecure. I always think 'what if I fall over and can't get up?' or some such thing.

I had a dream about grief last night. I can't recall it all but know the theme was about how grief never leaves one, one carried it around like a suitcase that was tied to one by a chain. Or so it seemed in the dream. I think this was possibly triggered by a scene in Grey's Anatomy. Alex, one of the male characters that I do not like, expressed his grief. It was one of those scenes which makes me spontaneously cry. No warning, no lump in throat, just a sudden gush of grief. Hard to describe really, it's almost like something just takes a leap out me in a split second and I find myself feeling grief again. (I feel differently toward this character, Alex, now.)

I must be quite mad. I am knitting a pair of socks with Schaefer 'Anne' on 1.5mm needles!

James was fine at training last night. It appears then that it is the outside, specifically the breeze/wind, that he is afraid of. It was very windy the day of the fire and he was caught up in that.

I went for my swim this morning and whilst it was more difficult it went okay. The water was colder than usual and this made it more painful for me. I don't warm up, I get colder.


More photographs of Pest. This is the Budapest version of the Arc de Triumph. I think you may have gathered that I like sculpture / architecture / art. It amazes me what humans can create.