Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Monday, March 26, 2012


I slept well again last night.  This was the result of taking a higher dose of gabapentin.  I have discussed my situation with the doctor and my dosage of gabapentin has been increased to 2400 mg which is double what I had been taking.  Not only does this deal with nerve pain,  it enables me to sleep.

 It is very surprising to me just how much lack of sleep affects me.  Don't misunderstand I do sleep I do not lay there unable to sleep. In fact I fall asleep fairly easily.  However, I wake constantly and I rarely sleep for more than 90 min without waking up.  This is not good sleep.  The drug controls the pain enough so that I can sleep without disturbance.  

 Obviously I have concerns  about all this.  Mainly, what lies ahead in the future.  There is a maximum dose of gabapentin that is safe and there is also a dose of morphine that it is rather pointless to go beyond.  Then we will have to be talking about the use of different drugs.  Although the chemist told me today that it is not necessarily so that I will need to increase the gabapentin again.  It is a matter of finding the right dosage that will permanently work.  It is not an addictive or tolerated drug.  Its main use is for epilepsy and neuropathic pain.

 The man who is going to do our kitchen turned up today.  He was on time.  He listened and he understood  how the dog cages had to be part of the plan.  He said that he has dealt with dogs before but not at this level!

 We have chosen real oak for all of the cupboards.  I am uncertain as to the surface yet. The sink is large and will fit a fully grown fully coated adult Lhasa Apso very well.

 The plumber is coming on Wednesday evening to discuss changing the bathroom into a shower room and also to check our water pressure because if the water pressure is good enough, and I think it is because cold water comes out very fast, the tank in the airing cupboard will be changed to one that works directly from the water mains so that our hot water will have the same pressure. This is essential for me to be able to bath the dogs.  It will also mean that we can have a plumbed in shower and not one of those electric jobs.

 We also have to have the largest bedrooms window changed and that has to be done before the conservatory is built.  It is just as well that I mentioned it to Mike, the man who is doing the conservatory, because it had not occurred to me that it needs to be done before that glass roof is put up directly underneath it!  The front door is also going to be changed as our wooden one is not completely sealed  and it lets in cold air.

 All of this is very exciting and of course it is also stressful.  During the kitchen work we will probably go away.  After this and the conservatory we need to have the whole house redecorated and down stairs much of the skirting board will have to be either replaced or repaired sufficiently where the Dachshunds and American Cockers  we used to have chewed it all up.

 No doubt there is stuff that I have forgotten to either write about or have just not considered yet.   The laying of the carpets and other flooring will have to be done after everything else is done. Either way this is going to go on for some time and I am just going to have to  take it in my stride.  I cannot see how we could stay in the house while the decorating and carpeting is being done.  The fumes from the paint would not be at all good for John's COPD and I doubt it would be that good for me!  I cannot really imagine being here whilst the flooring is being laid either! 

 Whilst the kitchen is being done we will go and stay in the hotel that we like in Calais, France and we will take day trips from there.  Bruges, Ghent, Brussels, Lille,  and other places are all reasonably close.  Perhaps Brussels is a little too far for a day trip now.  We do not need to go away whilst the conservatory is being done because that will not interfere much with my daily routine inside the house.  The dogs, however, will be going away.

Sunday, March 25, 2012




Oh my! This is the first morning for weeks that have woken feeling good. I have been waking bad tempered or tearful for many weeks now. I have been VERY concerned this has been to do with the morphine and I have been convincing myself I have a problem! Mainly because it is hard to wipe old tapes and because there are STILL ingoramuses, both lay and medical, who fear opiate pain relief. By bed time last night I was 'high'. I couldn't understand why as my last dose had been many hours previous and I did not take more due to this feeling. The reason was because I had been on the go all day getting the house re-modelling organized, shpping and then bathing two dogs one after the other!

I took sleepers as I do before every dog show. I awoke feeling very good because I had 8 hours unbroken sleep! I did not go to the show. I was persuaded against my better judgement to agree to going. I don't think people have much idea just how much it takes for me to do a show. My pride would hate it, but sometimes I do wish my condition was more obvious! I get peeved at the lack of understanding at times BUT I am also aware how one can only truly appreciate this by either having the same or similar disease OR by being close to a person with it.

I think I am going to have to discuss with my Dr my drug regimen. From my own reading, it seems my Gabapentin intake can safely be increased to three times my present amount.

Today is the first day for ages, other than Cruft's day (and that was after a night of good sleep from sleepers.). I had forgotten I can feel this well.

It bothers me. I know I cannot take sleepers every night. No sleeper is non addictive and all stop working after regular use. Yet my biggest problem is not the 24/7 pain but lack of sleep. This causes more pain and the volatile moods and the fatigue.

Friday, March 23, 2012


I am very pleased with the ultra wide angle this lens gives me. Will be excellent for photographing landscapes when we travel and also inside cathedrals and castles and stuff, and in German towns, without the need for em to step far back!

Thursday, March 22, 2012


These were knitted on Chia Goo 2.25mm red cable circulars, simultaneously, each on their own pair. The yarn is High twist80% SW Merino 20% nylon, 365m to 100g
I used the Andersson Toe Up Construction Method and the Andersson Heel Mach II


July 7th this year is John's and my 31st anniversary. It is also the day we legally wed. At present, it is called Civil Partnership but this conservative Government has stated that by 2015, Civil Marriage will be legal for same sex couples and that we can, if we choose, 'convert' our CP to CM. We will of course do that.

This conservative Government says they are doing. This to end the blatant discrimination against gay and transgendered people. YET, it still will not allow it to take place in a religious ceremony. This is blatant discrimination still. There ARE churches and non Xian religions who WANT to marry same sex and transgendered people so they should be allowed to. NO ONE is suggesting a church be forced to.

Naturally, the bigots are out in force, claiming God is on their side. This of course is utter nonsense. They have no validity whatsoever for their belief. No more so than a person who decides to live according to way of life set down by J K Rowling in Harry Potter.

I find the idea of men and women having sex together repulsive. I also find the idea of two women having sex together to be repulsive. I am honest about that. I do not claim some book makes me think it! It is natural for me to feel this way. I would not seek to stop lesbians making love nor men and women making love. Nor would I try and hide my personal distaste for these acts of love in under the guise of moral superiority. People who are anti gay are anti gay not because of what is outside of them, like a book or some other person's view, but because of their own inner disgust. THAT I can understand. The disgust I mean because of the reason already given. I therefore do not think about lesbian sex or heterosexual sex! What I do not understand, nor accept, is them following through with this feeling to criminlis or marginalise or otherwise treat gay people as less than human.

These people will just have to grow up and become honest with themselves. It will happen. It will be called Marriage and it will be held up officially by society as every bit as valuable as marriage between a woman and a man.

In closing, those who site religion as their reason for treating gays as less than are liars. They follow their religion because it suits what they already think! If that wasn't so they'd do what any person of conscience does - they reject their religion!

Monday, March 19, 2012

My Family



I have today figured out what has been causing my volatile mood recently. The person I have known the longest, 33 years, has been told she has cancer. Over the last few months of talking, I think I knew that what she was telling me of her symptoms was not good. She has a definitive test on Wednesday.

J. Was the first person to see who I really was. She never judged me or shamed me nor thought be mad, bad, and dangerous. She always says she saw a terrified little boy. Without her love and acceptance of me, I might not have been able to form my relationship with John. J. Had already shown me that people could be genuinely nice.

J. Has seen me change from that terrified hurting boy to the man I am today. Fittingly, on that day at the end of 2007
when I finally reached the grief of that boy that welled up in me in such I could not shove him back down, it was j. who was there and she let me release everything I needed to. I'll never forget how I felt on that day and I will never forget how she was there instinctively, knowing what was taking place in me. She actually spoke to me as if I was a little boy and when I questioned her later, she said 'well, of course I spoke to you as if you were a little were.'

So you can appreciate that I love this woman and she was the first person to really be there for me.

As I was in the pool and wondering why my mood has been so up and down, I started to think about her and I began to feel distressed. This told me that I had hit on the cause. I can't be bothered explaining too deeply but it is very common for abuse survivors to not know what they feeling and so having to think about it like this is normal. It is also common to just shut down or shut out hence this most obvious cause of distress has taken many weeks to come to the fore.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Grrr! I am getting very wound up about people not listening to what I say! Today I have come home with a wireless router which I very clearly said I needed for my Internet connection. So what have I got? A computer to computer router which must be plugged into a modem. I don't have a modem! THIS is not what I asked for! This really gets to me because John does this a lot and it is cause of distress to me and for him cos I get angry. I try not to but it happens over and over. It brings to the point of tears almost though I tend to just think I am going to explode and that scares me.

We now have an iPad3. I have to say I really like it. I have also bought a Griffin 'pen'. Now this is excellent. I have no trouble at all now typing or touching screen. It works very well on a real keyboard too. Strange to me that I can knit very well with tiny needles and use this pen thing but cannot handwrite or touch type anymore.

We will see if the iPad proves to be enough. I use the iMac for big stuff like photography. The Mac Book Pro has become part of our hi fi set up, storing 10,000 songs, without John's, and streaming to the amp. So this iPad3 will be for email, Facebook and holiday use.

I don't know what I am going to do about how I feel. I seem to have a very low frustration tolerance. This not being listened to really pushes my buttons. However, it's still ME that has to find a way to deal with it without feeling like I will freak. It scares me. I never ever used to do this. I would never even stand up for myself. Now I have no problem doing so but I think I flare much too quickly. I don't hit people. I can get loud! I am also a plate thrower. Not at anyone. The amount of times I have felt close to chucking the tv or mac or whatever through the window. I broken specs and other stuff. Oh, do I sound totally crazy? It makes me feel like a bad person. It makes me feel not that different from my father though I have NEVER done to anyone what he used to do to me. However, my temper reminds me of his.

Quite why I am such an emotional time of it when everything has come together so well for us. Financially secure now for the rest of our lives, getting a remodelled house, a five star 'honeymoon' coming up, excellent dogs. My dreams come true. Wonderful friends. I just heard myself think 'and this fucking disease'. Oh dear. After all this time, now I decide to get upset about it?

Which reminds me. We went to see the Puma 40 today. Yetu another twat who did listen to me. The wheelchair is a TANK! It will not get into my Galaxy with taking various bits which I specifically said I could not do. I also explained we toured a lot and ate out etc. Not only could I not get this to a table, I would not even get it into the fucking restaurant! Most shops would be out of bounds. It is far too big. The 'Disability Expert' did not Listen!!!

I have typed all this very quickly and error free!

Friday, March 16, 2012


British Airways commercial alternative


Thursday, March 15, 2012


Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I do not feel good this morning, tearful. Stupid. I went and told the woman with the barking dog that she MUST take her in when she knows mine are out and hers is barking it's head off. She of course denied she just left her to bark. We did not argue though. I introduced myself shook hands and left. Hopefully this will be the end. I think i did it, finally, because we decided not to move so I HAD to address this problem. I am NOT losing my dogs because some twat can't or won't control hers. 

Then I have been  playing with my Macs. Now my iMac has 1tb and my MacBookPro 500gb. Far more than i will ever need. So I thought. To my horror there is 42gb left on my MacBookPro and iMac has less than 100gb left! So i am busy trying to see what is taking up so much space, putting the files on external drives. And then seeing what can be deleted. I am like I am with my house-I hoard and don't delete 'in case'. I have a drive that has died and I was going to take it to the shop to get it rescued. I have no idea what is on it. I have decided that I will not get it rescued. If I don't know what is on it, then so what?

I have also got my two macs to talk to each other and I can use the screen of the upstairs imac down here on my Pro. i have moved the music streamer to connect upstairs as the imac is more powerful. Now i play my music from upstairs controlling it downstairs. AMAZING! 

Right now Adele's 21 is on LOUD to try and drown out the drilling going on next door-for the 3rd day in a row. All day long. I think they are having the house rewired or something.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Life can be very strange as I am sure you know.

My mood has been somewhat low recently. I haven't really understood why. Especially when everything in my life seems to be going so well.  Tonight my closest friend  suggested that it is precisely because everything is going so well and really good things are happening is why my mood has taken the plunge. She says because I am just not used to life being this good and my old tapes are always that things go from bad to worse.  Anyway, I am feeling much better.

There are major changes  going on right now.  First of all we have come into a very large sum of money which we were not expecting.  We have considered buying a bungalow which we could do tomorrow and still keep this house.  However, we have been very happy in this house and we have good neighbours. So we think we shall be making more alterations to this house than just the conservatory we have already booked.

We will have the kitchen totally remodelled and we will either have a double sink or one big enough to bath the dogs in.  We shall also have a Stannah chair lift put in and turn the bathroom into a shower room.  We will also turn the outside sheds,  which have a fully plumbed toilet,  into part of the house.  They are already made of brick. 

 We will have the whole house carpeted top to bottom and also redecorated throughout.  I will finally bite the bullet and get rid of almost all of my knitting machines and everything that goes with them.  I have to face facts that I cannot really put them too much use myself now.  It takes me a long while to knit just one sweater.  I will not however leave myself without at least one machine.

 Even after doing all this to the house we could still go out and buy another house!  So we are pretty much set for life.  My fears about the quality of life dropping considerably once John retired have now gone and in fact our quality of life will be greater!

 It feels very strange to be writing about such good things happening to ME.  This is the sort of thing that happens to other people.  I have always been very aware of how fortunate I have been to have survived what I have survived.  This, however is way way beyond my expectations which were very few. I just wanted to not feel bad all the time.  I never thought or dreamt about feeling good.  I just wanted to be numb.

 Now most of you reading this will no that I have serious physical pain 24/7 and you therefore may be surprised at the above paragraph.  Don't be. This sort of pain is nothing in comparison to the psychic pain that was my life for so many years.

 It feels very strange to look at a 5 bedroomed bungalow, which I did do today, and know that I could pay for it cash if I so chose to.  I do think though that I have made the right decision, along with John of course, to get this house the way we would like it to be and use the rest of the money for security and living well.

 I do agree with those people that have suggested that my day at Crufts really took a lot out of me.  I had not been to a dog show since last September and so to make my 1st show Cruft's was a big deal! 

 I also came to realise a few things about showing dogs, especially my breed which are usually such late maturers.  Elizabeth  who won BIS at Cruft's,  is 7 years old!  I was very lucky that Whitney became a champion by the age of 18 months and was retired before she was 3!  I realise that this is not usual and that I must bear in mind that the timescale for Mary Grace and any other dog that  I show will be longer. 

 Touch wood, at the moment Chase  looks to be exactly what I was hoping for and I am excited about showing him.  He has not got his 2nd set of teeth yet and we just have to sweat it out until he does because the teeth could make or break him!  Other than that he is a beautiful dog who is very well made and with the most delightful personality.  His jaw at present is perfect  and what I would expect it to be before the 2nd teeth come in.  He is now 4 months old and during the next 8 weeks I will know the answer as to what his bite will be!  This is a very difficult breed when it comes to bites. 

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Sh*t Knitters Say