LISTEN!!!

Grrr! I am getting very wound up about people not listening to what I say! Today I have come home with a wireless router which I very clearly said I needed for my Internet connection. So what have I got? A computer to computer router which must be plugged into a modem. I don't have a modem! THIS is not what I asked for! This really gets to me because John does this a lot and it is cause of distress to me and for him cos I get angry. I try not to but it happens over and over. It brings to the point of tears almost though I tend to just think I am going to explode and that scares me.

We now have an iPad3. I have to say I really like it. I have also bought a Griffin 'pen'. Now this is excellent. I have no trouble at all now typing or touching screen. It works very well on a real keyboard too. Strange to me that I can knit very well with tiny needles and use this pen thing but cannot handwrite or touch type anymore.

We will see if the iPad proves to be enough. I use the iMac for big stuff like photography. The Mac Book Pro has become part of our hi fi set up, storing 10,000 songs, without John's, and streaming to the amp. So this iPad3 will be for email, Facebook and holiday use.

I don't know what I am going to do about how I feel. I seem to have a very low frustration tolerance. This not being listened to really pushes my buttons. However, it's still ME that has to find a way to deal with it without feeling like I will freak. It scares me. I never ever used to do this. I would never even stand up for myself. Now I have no problem doing so but I think I flare much too quickly. I don't hit people. I can get loud! I am also a plate thrower. Not at anyone. The amount of times I have felt close to chucking the tv or mac or whatever through the window. I broken specs and other stuff. Oh, do I sound totally crazy? It makes me feel like a bad person. It makes me feel not that different from my father though I have NEVER done to anyone what he used to do to me. However, my temper reminds me of his.

Quite why I am such an emotional time of it when everything has come together so well for us. Financially secure now for the rest of our lives, getting a remodelled house, a five star 'honeymoon' coming up, excellent dogs. My dreams come true. Wonderful friends. I just heard myself think 'and this fucking disease'. Oh dear. After all this time, now I decide to get upset about it?

Which reminds me. We went to see the Puma 40 today. Yetu another twat who did listen to me. The wheelchair is a TANK! It will not get into my Galaxy with taking various bits which I specifically said I could not do. I also explained we toured a lot and ate out etc. Not only could I not get this to a table, I would not even get it into the fucking restaurant! Most shops would be out of bounds. It is far too big. The 'Disability Expert' did not Listen!!!

I have typed all this very quickly and error free!