Sunday, February 14, 2016


John got up twice because our neighbours get up about 5am and leave their car running to warm it up and then they leave. Not complaining about that. I did that even earlier for dog shows. However it makes Lydia bark. John got up the first time to shut her up and the second time for the same when my neighbours returned at 8:30. I told him to cage the 3 who sleep in the kitchen. This worked and Lydia didn't make another peep.
However, I then fell into a deep sleep and awoke at 12 and all was quiet. I called out to John several times and got upset and panicky when he didn't answer. He didn't have his hearing aids in. I knew this but it is moments like this that I feel the terror of being alone, without my John. Which is why I reject it when people tell me how courageous I am. I haven't ever said the above before. I fear my own demise too. The one trip we all must take alone.
Anyway, I thought that maybe a different sound would alert him so I banged his show heel on the floor. He answered straight away. He came up. He didn't need to ask what I wanted. He didn't say anything. He just held me and soothed my back.
A morbid piece today.