Thursday, April 28, 2011


imageimageThese photographs are of myself and Mary-Grace at Dunstable Open Show. MG won Best Of Breed, Best Puppy (because she is still under one year old), and went on to win Utility Group 2 and Utility Puppy Group 1.  So it was a good day out. image

Whilst my new medication, gabapentin, which I take on top of the other medication, is working very well, I have unfortunately got the fatigue and severe muscle weakness back. Sad smileI have not had this book quite some time so I thought maybe it had gone.I should have known that it had not because the gabapentin is a nerve block and I cannot really see how a nerve block would work on muscle weakness/fatigue.

I am sleeping very well which of course does make a big difference but this week I have still had to have one to two hours sleep in the afternoon despite seven to eight hours at night. 

I have also been having bad dreams.  Mainly to do with my father and this morning when I awoke after a particularly bad one I was really in a grumpy mood and my gut was such that I had to go to the toilet six times in the two hours preceding waking! However, it settled down and my mood improved.

Apart from these hiccups things are very good right now and the show season is well and truly underway. I have a major championship show to attend on Sunday and then another one next Friday.  After that they come fast and furious.  However, I will not be attending the really long distance ones because I have not got anything old enough to make those treks worthwhile.

Last weekend was a four day weekend for John because of public holidays and this weekend is the same because of public holidays, including the Royal Wedding.  I wish Will / Kate well but I have no time for all the pomp and circumstance surrounding these young people.  It is amazing what we human beings do in order to create a fantasy.  These two people are no different from you and I.  The only difference is the way they are treated.I feel terribly sorry really for the Royal family because they have very little choice but be who they are.  Even if they resigned or abdicated or whatever and refused to play the game they would still have to have round-the-clock protection for the rest of their lives.  What a terrible thing to have done to people.  I really get annoyed with those people who can only see that they are rich as their envy does not allow them to see what truly terrible lives these people must lead. They can never be themselves and they must always play the game.  Just imagine if one of the poor sods was gay! What a hell of a life. Look what it did to Charles and Di.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Yesterday was the first day after a dog show that I really completely rested.I took plenty of drugs and just stayed sitting on the couch knitting socks watching TV and being on the laptop.I also had a map. The most strenuous thing I did was feed the dogs.I also slept in this morning though I did not intend to and it did not seem to affect the dogs not even the puppies soiled their crates.Today I feel like it is a normal day and do not still feel shattered. I have to wade into day for my yarn delivery which is definitely coming. And I must groom out aider. it is dog training tonight I think I will have to check.

when I did go to bed last night I did have a moment of feeling guilty for having wasted a day! I am certain that this is why I have so much difficulty in just resting as it makes me feel so lazy.  Old tapes are hard to erase! I know though that I did the right thing because today is a good day and I am going to be able to do the things I must do and do some of what I want to do.  Grooming Ada comes first and after that I can do as I please.

The sky is blue the sun is out and I think it will be a warmer day today than yesterday.

I have my first major general championship show on Sunday.  It will be the first  long distance show that I have been to on my own since July last year. I am not exactly on my own because I go with my friend Angi but she too is disabled and we each do our own hauling! it is 165 miles there and 165 miles back.  This will be a test of the new car and also of my new medication.  I just have to bear in mind that the following day I must veg out. It will be easier this time because Monday is a public holiday and therefore John will be home.

Life for me is never boring. It used to be.  I used to have terrible trouble filling my day.  But now that I am able to be myself and do the things I enjoy going I have no such problems.  In fact I wish that our days were 36 hours long.

With the dogs, my yarn dyeing, my machine knitting, my hand knitting, my crocheting, watching DVDs and working on the computers I have more than enough to do and express myself with.

Another major reason why life is not boring is that I have not ceased to learn and I have not ceased to want to learn. In fact the more I learn the more I know what I do not know and it becomes self-perpetuating.  It is exciting.

The most important thing for any of us to know is ourselves.  I have no idea who it was that said Know Thyself but they knew what they were talking about.  If we do not know ourselves we have no idea how and why we think and believe and behave as we do and we do not have much hope of changing our lives for the better.  How we experience life is a good author ill depends entirely upon what we think and believe.  There are things that happened to us which are completely out of our control but what we think about these things and how we react to them is not out of our control.  If I know anything to be true it is this that how we think and what we believe is of the utmost importance and that by changing our thinking pattern and our beliefs we change not only our lives but the lives of those around us.  The world we live in is created by all of us.  No man is an island.  How we think and what we believe affects those around us and the thoughts and beliefs of those around us affect those around them and so on and so on.  If we believe the saying and enough other people believe a thing then we can create an atmosphere by which something good or bad can happen.  For example if we live in a community that is dominated by a particular kind of person and we think that the other kind of person is worth less than us, and one of this group that we think is worth less than us is beaten up or killed we are personally responsible for that even if we did not physically become involved.  We helped create the atmosphere by which it happened and therefore we are part of the problem and not part of the solution.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


I used the Andersson Construction Method, with the 1 x1 ribbed gusset and the Andersson Heel II, revised. Knitted toe up, the leg knitted in 3 x3 ribbing.
I used Judy's Magic Cast On and Jenny's Surprisingly Stretchy Cast Off.

I knitted these using 2.25mm needles(circular Addi Lace). The yarn is from Knitmans Kitchen and is 80% British Falklands merino 20% Nylon (High Twist) 365m / 100g

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Recovery is never complete.It is an on-going process which never ends.  Yes, one does get to the point where one’s past does not rule one’s present. The flashbacks and night terrors lessen in both ferocity and frequency. The need for obsessive compulsive behaviour all but disappears.  The need for alcohol or recreational drugs or sugar or sex or in whatever form it takes, goes when one is no longer running from the pain.  This only happens when one has finally felt all that there is to feel.

When one is a child there is no way one is able to deal with the very powerful emotions that abuse gives rise to and if the abuse goes on over a long period of time it becomes impossible to do anything other than disassociate.  This gives rise to  obsessive compulsive behaviours that serve to keep the pain and fear suppressed.

For me it took the form of anorexia/bulimia and self harming.  Although I would not wish either of these on my worst enemy, if I had turned to alcohol and all drugs then my pain and shame would have been compounded and I may not have survived. I say this because society finds it easier to feel compassion for people who self harm or who have an eating disorder but they seem to only have hatred and disgust for alcoholics and drug addicts.

(It puzzles me that people have this attitude alcoholics and drug addicts.  Obese people and people who smoke cause harm to others and also use our resources and also steal-they steal time and resources through days off work etc.  All addictions cost all of us. Addiction is rooted in pain and suffering.  It is not the result of wanton lust or lack of self-control.  The hypocrisy of people who are obese and who smoke sneering at alcoholics and drug addicts would make me laugh if it were not so sad.)

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that even though I have come an awful long way from those dark and fearful days and even though today I am happy and content and accepting and loving of myself, it does not mean that I do not feel sad sometimes that my family missed out on knowing me as I am.  I often keenly feel the lack of family.  In reality I have no idea what it feels like to be loved and accepted and nurtured by loving parents but I still feel the lack of it.

I am not one of these people that believe it was meant to be. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. If it were God’s will, then people who abuse children are fulfilling some divine plan.  I do not know about you but that thought makes me want to puke.  Then there are those who feel they are more enlightened who say that it is all a result of karma which is just another way of saying that people who abuse children are fulfilling some divine plan.  It is also a way of blaming the victim and thus avoiding having to feel or think too much.

It is possible to live and live well with the most appalling grief but only if one acknowledges it and feels it.  One can never put it down, always carried, but it stops being a burden that weighs one down.  Recovery does not make anything go away it just gives one the strength to live with what was and is.

It has not escaped my notice that I am the man I am today because of everything that I have been through or rather, because of what I have done with what I have been through.  We are not the result of what we have been through but rather the result of what we think about what we have been through.

The real abuse was the thinking pattern and belief system that I was given.  The belief in an exacting and judgemental God that viewed me as a sinful disgusting being and who not only saw my every action but knew my every thought.  The belief that I was a bad boy being justly punished by my good parents.  The belief that I was a very precocious child who seduced adults into having sex with me.  The belief that I was unworthy and unacceptable as I was.  The belief that I should for ever try and make up for the fact that I was not what my parents wanted.

It was changing my thinking pattern and my belief system that saved my life and gave me the good, productive, and satisfying life that I have today.  Of course this change did not come about quickly nor easily nor without tremendous pain that seemed to almost kill me.

I am aware that there are other survivors who read this blog.  I do not write my blog for anybody but myself but I feel the need to address you directly right now.

(What you really need to know is that people treat you or treated you the way they do or did because of who they are not because of who you are.)

You are not who you are because of what was done to you.  You are who you are because of what you think about what was done to you and that is the worst damage.  It is possible to change these thought patterns even for those of us that were spiritually/religiously abused as well. For those of us that were taught that to question was wicked. Most importantly you will not be struck down dead for telling, nor will you be punished.  When you find the courage to accept that you truly can choose what to think and believe you will have started upon the road to freedom.  This is really all that it takes to recover.  It is of course not an easy road at all but it is one that you must take or waste your life in needless suffering. Worse, if you have children of your own you cannot help but pass your damage on to them in ways that are subtle but insidious.  No! I am not saying that you will sexually or physically abuse them.  I am saying that you cannot give to your children what you have not got yourself and if you are unaware of how you are damaged there is no way that you can prevent that damage from damaging your own children.

If anybody had told me that I could have the life I have today even 15 years ago I would not have believed them.  If anyone had told me that not only could I be free from my past and grow to accept and love myself but that I could also live well  with 24/7 pain I would have thought they were completely nuts!

All of my dreams have come true. I am free, I have my dogs, and I have a man who loves me and respects me and treats me very well.  I did not ever dream of what I wanted to be other than I always wanted to be somebody else.  Instead I became myself and there is nobody else that I would rather be.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I do not watch programs on the TV as they air.  If there is something that I want to watch I record it.  I cannot understand how people can watch programs as they air because of all the damn adverts.

It seems to me that the vast majority of adverts are giving people the message that they are not good enough as they are.  Most of these adverts lie.

It angers me when famous men and women, though mainly women, are being paid vast sums of money to lie to us.They KNOW that they do not look like they are made to look on-screen.  They only look the way they do because of clever lighting photography and make up.  Yet they seem to have no qualms in telling you, the viewer, that if you use this cream or that powder or this eyelash thingamebob, you too will look like they do. It is a lie, they know it is a lie, but as long as their bank accounts grow, they do not care.

Men do not escape the constant drip drip of inferiority complexes.  Take a look at the covers of men’s magazines, particularly those aimed at health.  The men on these covers have no body fat, are too thin, are over muscled, and have fake sixpacks.  As a doctor said on TV these sixpacks are not possible without the use of steroids and are made to look the way they do with make up and lighting.

The only equality there now seems to be between men and women is that those have been made to feel unworthy!

Take a look down any high street on any day and you will see that most of us are very ordinary looking and come in all shapes and sizes. You rarely see anybody who looks remotely like the people we see in the adverts or in the movies. Yet many of those people will be desperately trying to look like the people they see in the media, sadly not understanding that they never will because not even the people in the media look like they do!

On top of this we are constantly castigated by the medical profession for being fat.  The mean weight of people in the West has increased dramatically since the 70s.  The reason for this is not because we have become greedy and lazy.  No, it is because nutritionists have been feeding us the wrong information!  We have been told that a low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet is what is best.  This is why we are fat.

The human body is not made to tolerate high amounts of carbohydrate, be they whole carbohydrates or refined carbohydrates.  We did not evolve to eat this way.  In the beginning we were hunter gatherers and we ate mainly meat and fish with a few berries and fruits and vegetables.

Carbohydrate is very easily turned into fat.  Carbohydrate also makes you hungry! This is one reason why after eating a Chinese meal or a meal of pasta one is hungry soon afterwards. The body releases insulin to deal with the sudden rush of sugar and thus blood sugar level drops but it drops below normal thus triggering hunger.

I know from personal experience that until I went on a low-fat low carb way of eating, I remained overweight and in the vicious cycle of trying to lose weight whilst at the same time always feeling hungry.  Now I am not obsessed by food, I lost 100lbs, and I have kept it off.

I often have people ask me about losing weight.  When I tell them how I did it many will immediately say “ I could not do without my bread” and they do not see or hear the addict! These people would rather stay fat than give up their addiction.

However, being fat or thin has absolutely nothing to do with one’s worth as a person. I know  that I was not really able to lose the weight and keep it off until I realised that being fat was not a sin and was not a sign of my unworthiness.  I had to accept myself as I was before I could change.

I truly believe that the world would be a vastly different place if we all valued ourselves. If we respect ourselves, we are likely to respect others.  If we value ourselves we are likely to value others.  If we have compassion for ourselves we are likely to have compassion for others.

Instead children are taught that they are not good enough from the very beginning.  Even if they are not told this directly, the way that we rear children gives them this message: that they are not good enough as they are.  We fear children and so we try and control and mould them.  We force them to be how we think they ought to be and in so doing we create adults who are damaged and who behave in ways that are detrimental to themselves and to others and it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. The worst results of this can lead to a lack of empathy for others. In extremis, this creates people that we label psychopaths or sociopaths.

Add to this religion, which teaches that you are not good enough unless you believe or do a particular thing. Now you have an even better recipe for discord and strife and the production of yet more evil.

The results of how we raise our children can be seen across the world today.  It has always been thus.The big difference is that to day with the advent of the Internet, and satellite media, the results are very visible.

The powerful have a vested interest in keeping the general population steeped in self-hatred.  People who hate themselves or who find themselves unacceptable will do anything to be rid of the pain that this causes.  Teach a child that it is not good enough and you will have a slave to your will.  Governments or people who seek to have power over others understand this only too well.  Without naming any specific church, churches have understood this for centuries.  This is the reason why the religious are so adamant that faith schools are a necessity or that homeschooling for religious reasons is a necessity.  The Jesuit priest who said give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man knew what he was talking about!

We cannot even age without feeling shame for ageing! We cannot be sick without being blamed for being sick.  Even when we die we are blamed! No wonder the vast majority of us live in the swill of shame.

The human body is fragile and it is not built to last.  It is built to fail.  We as human beings get sick.  Yes we can do things to ourselves that are detrimental to our health but most of these things are behaviours that come about because of shame! Once again it is a self-perpetuating cycle.

The overriding message we are all fed is “Hate Thyself”.  Whilst we do, we are slaves to the powerful, be they governments or business or religions.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


I was quite sad to part with Jeeves, the Ford Mondeo station wagon (estate). I love station wagons and always have. I am not sure why, I just do.  Anyway, I was not very happy to have to part with Jeeves.

Olga, the Ford Galaxy, arrived on Wednesday.  My feeling was not one of joy as it was when I first got Jeeves.  However, I have accepted the fact that I needed Olga so that was that.

I was of course thrilled with the crane in the back of Olga which allows me my independence because it lifts Big Daniel in and out of Olga. I was so happy with this that I went out twice on the first day.  I still did not think much to Olga herself.

On Friday night I had to drive to Potters Bar, 80 miles away to rescue John, whose train was stranded.  The drive there gave me an opportunity to get a real feel for Olga.

Yesterday I had a judging appointment 100 miles from home.  By the time I had arrived back home, I was not just accepting of the fact that I needed Olga but I have in fact fallen in love with her.

Normally after long drives, such as yesterday and Friday night, I am not only very tired, but very sore too. This is not the case with Olga.

For a start Olga has an automatic transmission.  Why on earth has it never occurred to me that an automatic transmission would be much more beneficial to me considering my problems?  The only reason that I have Olga is because she was sitting there in the showroom and I could have her straight away without having to wait several weeks as I did with Jeeves. Had Olga had a manual transmission I would still have bought her. Perhaps I was being looked after Smile.

Olga’s height means that I do not have to drop into the seat nor do I have to to haul myself out.  The seat is bum high when I am stood. This makes a tremendous difference to me.

As for the driving, Olga is a breeze.  Really.  I am astonished how easy she is to drive.  I could almost knit and drive. All I have to do is steer her.  The cruise control makes it very easy as well. If I have to slow down or stop, all I have to do is press resume and she will go back up to the set speed without my foot on the accelerator.

The air conditioning covers the whole of the car with vents at the back also. This is superb for the dogs when I am returning from dog shows on hot summer days. The black windows which cover two thirds of her are excellent too.

Yesterday we had to go to the local Haberdashers and the owner came out to meet Olga but mainly because she wanted to see the wheelchair lift out she has a grandson with cerebral palsy.

A woman overheard me saying how easy it was to get in and out of the driver’s seat and she asked if she could look at it too.  Her husband was parked outside in an ordinary saloon car which he has tremendous trouble getting in and out of because he has muscular dystrophy.  They will now buy themselves a Galaxy.

Like me, this man had not thought through what his needs were before he bought his car.  People may think that those of us with disabilities understand fully what our needs are but this is not the case.  What we really need is somebody who is an expert on disability to talk with.  For example I had absolutely no idea that I could have a wheelchair crane fitted into the back of a suitable vehicle.  It also had never entered my head that an automatic transmission would save me a lot of pain when driving.

This man and I had quite a chat and we had much in common.  Our attitude to medication and pain control was pretty much the same, though I am further ahead than him so I was able to tell him of my experience with painkillers and hopefully he will see his doctor and start to use them.  It is clear from our discussion that we deal with our difficulties mainly by not thinking about it and living within the day.  We both think that this is a good way to live.  We know of others who have conditions and never stop moaning about it! Anyway, the point is that we do not understand our needs fully.  I do not think this has anything to do with denial.  Therefore, I think there is a need for people such as him and myself to have somebody that we can refer to who is au fait with the needs of disabled people.

To end this blog post, I am very happy with Olga.  I have chosen the name Olga because the Galaxy is elegant but very strong and powerful and is able to lift a lot of weight!Smile

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Life is full of surprises.  Five or six weeks ago I thought my future was very bleak.  The winter had been very hard on me with regard to pain and my disease has progressed quite a lot in the last year.  I thought that my quality of life was becoming poor and I could not see how I could show my dogs.  I have always said that once I got to the point that the quality of my life was such that each day was a chore, it would be time for me to opt out.

I had a chance conversation with a person in Tesco’s who was taking the drug gabapentin which helps them with their spinal cord damage.  As I have the same problems it stayed in my mind.

A few days later I made an appointment to see my doctor because I had reached the end of my rope and I asked her about this drug gabapentin.  Elizabeth smiled at me and just said “what a good idea”!

I am completely astonished at the difference it has made.  From the very first dose I slept for six hours without waking up.  I have slept well most nights since.  I have not slept like this for years because of pain. I would wake every hour and have to get out of bed or just change my position which was difficult.  Often I slept sitting up in bed or sitting on the recliner armchair downstairs.  The drug does not sedate me. What it does is acts as a nerve block. Therefore I am not in pain whilst asleep.

I had been with out good sleep for so long that I had not really realised the effect that it has on me.  I am not such a grumpy sod after all!  My good mood and sunny disposition is my natural self not the result of drugs making me high which is what I thought at first.

Other people have also commented on how well I look how I have colour in my face and how I do not look pitched and in pain.  This pleases me although at the same time I am really surprised because I thought I covered well.

This is not a miracle cure. I have learned that even with good pain relief I am still affected with fatigue from doing the same activities.I may not be feeling the pain as strongly but it still has its affect on my body.  It also has done nothing for my balance nor has it taken away the need to use walking sticks or my wheelchair.

I went to a major show on Sunday for the first time since last July.  I really enjoyed myself and had forgotten just how much I enjoyed these events.  Because John was with me I was able to use my wheelchair and I spent most of my time sitting in that apart from when I was in the ring and because of my tablets I felt pretty good.  However I started to have serious problems with my gut by the late afternoon.  When I awoke the following day I was extremely tired and my gut was the worst it has been for a long time.  So what I now know is that the stress on my body has to express itself somehow!  Fortunately one of my medications will stop the gut spasms so that I will not have my dog show days ruined.

However I am extremely pleased with my current situation.

I am also very pleased that I finally have a vehicle that is suitable for me.  I know that it would appear to be sensible that a disabled person would understand what their needs are but in fact I have learned this but slowly.  The car which I have been driving for the last year, and the previous car, were not at all suitable for somebody with my difficulties.  I have to say that none of these things crossed my mind.

I did not realise that if I drove a a car with an automatic transmission it would be much less wear and tear on me.  I also did not know that I could have a wheelchair Crane fitted into the back of a car with a suitable opening.

If you read my blog yesterday you will know that I now have a fully automatic Ford Galaxy a seven seater MPV.  It has a crane in the back and what looks like a remote control which I used to get it to lift my wheelchair up move it out and down onto the ground and vice versa.  The freedom this gives me is thrilling.

One of the things I find so exciting about life and keeps me interested is that there is always something new to learn.  I have learned a lot about my needs recently and also about my personality.

There is a man who I meet a few times a week at the swimming pool. He is more agile and mobile then I am and he goes there to swim every day. He is 90 years old!.  I fully intend to be doing my swimming when I am that age.

I prefer to swim along the edge of the pool so that when and if I have spasms I can easily grab hold of the wall because I would be able to do that more quickly than a lifeguard would notice I was in trouble. The thing that surprises me is that when I get in to the pool if that lane is occupied by another swimmer they nearly always move to allow me to use it.  I have never asked anybody to do so and I would not dream of doing so.  I am touched by their kindness.  Even this 90 year old man moves for me.

Give yourself a Gold Star if you read this far! xoxo


Not thought of a name yet. Suggestions welcome.

As you can see, s/he has Dealer / Pimp windows. It's a 7 seater. Below is the crane thingy that gets Big Daniel in and out.

Monday, April 11, 2011



Mary-Grace                                          Ada

adaz  adaymgmmgma

Saturday, April 09, 2011







Friday, April 08, 2011


I feel privileged and somewhat humble to realise that much of what I write on my blog has a positive effect upon other people.  Whether I am writing about childhood abuse, religious and spiritual abuse, all the trials of living with 24/7 pain.

Not only do people leave comments on my blog telling me how much they get out of what I have written, I also get e-mails from people all over the world sharing with me their stories of survival and pain.

It is truly remarkable to me that people do this and that this medium, the Internet, can be used in such a positive fashion.

When I first started writing my blog I did so anonymously but it soon became obvious to me that I must not be anonymous because there is no shame at all in what I am writing about.  It had begun to dawn on me that my writing was being read but I am truly amazed at how it has touched people meaningfully.

Those of us who are able to share in this manner must never think that there are millions of people suffering in this world in silence and secrecy.  In countries where freedom does not exist or even in our own countries where their freedom is severely curtailed by their family or by their church.

One thing that I know to be true and all of the evidence that I have received in the form of people sharing with me is that children are in far more danger from their own families and from strangers.  Yet we become hysterical about stranger danger and concentrate all our efforts upon it.  It is clear to me that the reason for this is that we are still in denial about the simple fact that the vast majority of children are abused in the home.

The spiritual abuse of children is rife and appallingly sanctioned by the majority of governments. If you doubt that spiritual abuse of children is a serious issue, you need look no further than the Westboro Baptist Church and countries like Iran and Afghanistan.  You need look no further than 7/7 and 9/11.

One only needs to listen to fundamentalist Christians, to the poor souls that have been homeschooled by fundamentalist Christian parents, to the filth spoken by the likes of Pat Roberts, all the rigid control the Roman Catholic church holds up over its followers, to see the damage that spiritual abuse does. Children indoctrinated in this way have their ability to think for themselves severely stunted.  Even those of us who have the temerity to ask why are filled with guilt and fear for so doing.  Not all are as lucky as myself.  In fact the majority are not.

Be it physical,be it sexual, be it emotional, be it spiritual the abuse of children causes us all to pay an extremely high price.

We do not value our children. By we I mean the human race I do not mean us in the West, nor do I mean those in the Middle East, or the Far East.  We all cripple our children.

The fact that we do not value children could not be more clear than in the example of state visit of the current Pope to Britain last year where he was met with much pomp and circumstance despite the fact that he is responsible for the horrendous sexual abuse of children and the hiding and protecting from justice the priests who committed this horrendous acts.  Whilst there were some brave souls who demonstrated, they were marginalised and Howard government showed that they to did not care truly about children.  There can be absolutely no reasonable argument in support of what the Pope has done and still does today. This is not in the past this is current. He still refuses to hand over any information to the legal authorities and worse the legal authorities who can be in no doubt that he is a criminal for aiding and abetting the abuse of children or hiding fugitives, do nothing.

Children are the future for us all whether we are parents or not. We are responsible for them.

It costs us dearly to ignore the problem of child abuse.  Just speaking about myself I have cost the taxpayer hundreds of thousands of pounds in health care and benefits as a direct result of my childhood.  The cost to us all of course is far more important than money but it seems that when one speaks about finances people take notice.

The abuse of children does not happen in isolation.  It happens because we all collude in it.  We do so by being afraid to speak about us suspicions, by not wanting to get involved, by not wanting to stand up and be counted, by not daring to put our heads above the parapet.  We are afraid of being shamed and vilified so we turn away.  We blithely vote in favour of faith schools.  We vote for cuts in childcare provision and social services.  We call for the physical punishment of children to be reinstated.  In fact we expended great deal of energy denying the real problem.

Many of those abused grow up to deny it completely and this enables them to either perpetuate abuse by becoming abusers or they demonise the survivors of abuse.  For example I was conversing with a woman the other day who had the most horrendous childhood and she cannot understand how her brother who was always the “good son” can deny the abuse meted out by their father.  I told her that the reason he denied it was that for him denial was much easier to live with them the true and certain knowledge that his parents did not love him.  For a child no matter what age to accept that he or she was not loved by their parents is truly the most devastating pain anyone can ever feel.  This betrayal and abandonment strikes at the very core of a person and it is extremely difficult to feel and survive intact.  However, it is not impossible and if we are to truly avoid becoming the problem, we must face this daemon and destroy it.  It most certainly can be faced head-on and destroyed.  Once done true freedom will be experienced.  The joy of finally understanding that you were never the problem is liberating.

People treat you the way they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

Thursday, April 07, 2011


I am pleased with this sweater. The RAF Blue is the same as the 'Ancient Japanese Design' but the silver is not. This silver is more blueish. The design is entirely mine. I did the design in Designaknit and then downloaded to my Brother 940. The gauge was 32st and 38rw to 10cm using TD 7. The yarn is 4ply pure wool, as used to be spoon by Forsell. I did false starts on body and sleeves and I use HP for the neckline. I did this because I wanted live sts to crochet.

I have never used crochet on a sweater before. I am rather pleased with this attempt, though of course I have learned form it and would do the next one differently. I did the body hem in two pieces because when one is using two colours as I have and knitting in the round, the 'join' is a jog-the colours don't match up. I may well do the collar in two pieces next time.


Pussy has decided to lay next to me and watch me write my blog.  She is so like her mother.  She has decided that she belongs to me and that is that.

It looks like it is going to be another warm day as it was yesterday although at the moment I still feel chilled as I almost always do when I wake up in the morning.  I have no idea why but when I awake no matter what the weather and even with the heating on in the winter I am cold when I wake up. If you could feel my hands right now!

I slept in the recliner last night because of my hips but I did sleep for seven hours without waking or at least if I did wake I do not recall it.

I am going to photograph my finished sweater.  I am rather pleased with it ,especially the neck.

I am astonished at the amount of people that cannot take any form of disagreement.  There is this unfounded unproven and completely nonsense story going around about the sweetener aspartame and how it causes multiple sclerosis and all sorts of horrible diseases. I have been sent this by people who believe that I am probably ill because I drink diet Pepsi!!! Anyway, a “friend” posted this story on Facebook and I said that I had seen this story many times and it really is unproven.  I also pointed out that I have been sick for very many years but it is only the last four years that I have taken to drinking drinks that are sweetened with aspartame or sucralose.  Prior to that I only drank water coffee and tea.  I am very pleased that I now have more options.  I eat jelly every day. It really enables me to deal with the fact that there are so many foods that I cannot eat.  I actually prefer the taste of artificial sweetener and I find that sugar is far too sweet.  Apart from which sugar is one of the foods that my body cannot handle well.  The story going around about aspartame and Donald Rumsfeld is a stupid as the idea that microwaved food is dangerous! Back to the point; this “friend” who sees himself as a spiritual person, de-friended me for writing the comment. Then another person did the same just because I said that my experience of a different cult was very much the same as his!

As usual I am still finding it difficult to pace myself. The new drug, gabapentin,  that I have added to my painkilling arsenal does appear to work really well. However, I have not figured out the correct dosage yet nor the timing of them.I also have become very aware that whilst I may be relieved of pain enough to be able to do what I want, it does not prevent the wearer tear and therefore I still become fatigued. Bummer! For me that is the worst part of this bloody disease, the fatigue. It really frustrates me because it prevents me doing what I want.

Good weather days like this are really nice. I have the patio doors wide open and both gardens open and the dogs can just go in or out as they please. Dogs are really sensible I’m like us because when it gets to a certain level of warmth, they come in and lay on the tiled kitchen floor.  I do sit out in the sun but I can never do it for very long, 30 min at the most.  I do not understand how people can sunbathe.  Apart from the fact that it is bad for ones skin, it is also incredibly boring.  This is why when John and I go away we tour cities and countryside and visit galleries and museums and old buildings etc. The idea of spending two weeks on beach is anathema to the pair of us.

The puppies are quite funny.  Two of them have decided it is naptime but the others do not agree and so they are annoying the two trying to nap! Winston is doing his best to attract my attention and get on my lap.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011


I have experienced quite a lot of frustration recently.  John is a man who is not good at talking about his feelings or what is going on.  This leaves me frustrated and having to guess.  You can imagine that my guesses are usually more than worrisome!

I wrote him an e-mail in the hope that he might write that and be more forthcoming.  It worked and I feel very much relieved.  He said that he did not want me to worry which is why he keep quiet about things because he thinks I have got enough on my plate with my disease!

He now understands that what worries me is being kept in the dark.  He retires a year from now and I really need to know what our options are and what he plans on doing. I now know.

The dogs are a delight.  Pussy, Plenty, and Fin are 12 1/2 weeks old now. They are just about crate trained.  They have the most wonderful temperaments.  I am extremely pleased with them.  I am also extremely pleased with their mother Whitney.  The has produced puppies of excellent quality and I think at this moment in time, better than herself.  This is what one hopes for when breeding a litter.  To have a champion that produces well is the hope of dog breeders.

I have been enjoying crocheting.  I have crocheted and scarf / wrap for my friend Dawn and I am now crocheting another for my friend Gail. I am also using crocheting on a sweater that I have knitted. I have crocheted the neckband the cuffs and the hem.

I am doing much better physically.  The gabapentin has made a big difference.  It is not a hundred percent perfect of course. I am very pleased though but I have now added this to my arsenal.

With any luck I ought to be getting a new vehicle this week.  I am getting a Ford Galaxy with automatic transmission.  It will also have a wheelchair lift in the back.  I am sad to be parting with the Ford Mondeo but it really is not suitable for me and never has been.  You would think that as I am a disabled person I would understand my needs and therefore would have bought a suitable car in the first place.  It is not that simple.  Yet another example of how what we think and believe affects our lives.  It did not occur to me to get an automatic.  I did not think that a car like a Galaxy would be easier for me to get in and out of and would also have been enough room for my wheelchair and everything else.  This time I am sure that I have the right vehicle for my needs.

The government cuts and their attitude to the long-term sick and disabled is rather worrying.  I have read up on the information available on the Internet directly from the government.  It was only help to a certain extent but the information I read contradicted itself it said one thing at the beginning and then changed its mind halfway through! Whilst I think I will be okay in this regard, it is still a worry I could do without.

I have a championship show to attend on Sunday. It is the Midland Lhasa Apso Association. Then on May 1, the show season really starts.  I am obviously looking forward to it but at the same time I have some trepidation because I have not done this since July last year and I am physically worse that I was a year ago.  However, I will deal with it and this new drug gabapentin will really be put to the test!