Wednesday, April 30, 2008

That Day

During my 'dark night of the soul' the very worst time was one Tuesday. I had awoken in agony. In every way. I physically was very ill and emotionally I was dying. I was very afraid. I could barely walk. I felt I was going to die. Explode. I could feel this 'thing' inside of me, buried in my gut and I felt like this monster was going to burst through my solar plexus. Just like in that film Alien. I have never before, nor since, felt as near to disappearing as I did that day.

I found myself in my bedroom, rolling around on the floor, clutching my guts, crying out in a voice that seemed foreign and animal like. (Just writing this makes me want to cry again.) I felt like I was at the end. This was it. I was finally losing my mind. At last, the very thing I feared all my life, though all the abuse, was about to happen. Colin was going to disappear. He would blow into a million pieces and never ever be able to put me back together again. He was about to cross that line. He was about to enter the place from which there was no return.

I cried out: 'If you f***ing well love me, then show me NOW!!!!'

A calm came upon me. My breathing slowed, my heart stopped racing, the animal noises stopped, the pain stopped. I reached for the phone and I called my friend of 30 years. She answered immediately.

Without explanation, she knew who it was and she spoke to me as if I were a child. Then the thing I was so afraid of happened, but it wasn't what I expected. What burst forth from my gut was all the pain I had felt and crushed down inside me. Every blow, every cruel word, every humiliation, every fear, every drop of shame, all my desolation, all my grief, all of it, all that muck and grime and filth, all of it came pouring out. And it hurt. It hurt worse than I thought was possible to survive. I cried more than I thought was possible to cry and live. (I understood later why healing does not happen all at once.) The 'alien' inside me, in my gut, my solar plexus, was the pain I had carried all those years. The pain I swallowed and did not show or feel. How could I? I had no one to comfort me then, to help me then. I was alone. I had no choice.

Through all of this, my friend spoke soothing words to me, she comforted me as if I were still that desolate afraid child. She told him how much he was loved and how he had not deserved any of that and how it was not his fault and how he was now safe and could let it all go.

Now, several months later, I am free of that weight. I am not free of my past. I am what my past has made me. I am happy with that. I am happy with me. I am not afraid of my past. I am not the monster I feared I was. I am not unlovable. I am not to blame. I am free. FREE. I still have the ways of coping to deal with, even though I no longer need them. OCD behaviours, food issues, have not disappeared. How could they? The difference is I now have the wherewithal, the strength, the understanding to resist the urge to self harm in any of the multitude of ways I had of coping. I also do not have all that pent up pain fuelling my every waking moment.

My sleep is pretty much peaceful, free from night terrors, free from action replays of my past. My mind is not exhausted from the effort of repression and suppression. My body is better without the physical weight but is still diseased. I could not expect anything else. My body has been through an awful lot. It is a wonder I still have one.

My mind is clearer and freer. I have learned to be gentle with myself. To stop running. I will never be as if I hadn't had the life I had. I will always have to take care of me, will always have to be aware of stress and how easily stressed I become. I will always be fragile yet strong.

My compassion and understanding of others, including those who abused me, has grown. I am much more aware of the pain of others, including those who abused me. I do not excuse those who abused me. Nor do I say it is okay or understandable or that it doesn't matter. It matters. It took 50 years of my life. However, I understand that they too suffer and suffered. I also understand that I don't need to hold them to account-that is too heavy a burden for me. One day they will come face to face with themselves. I am happy to leave it at that.

During the few months that I was going through this clear out, I went to church much more often that I normally did. Every time I went, the medium always spoke to me. Many times the message they gave was one of love and regret from my mother. They were accurate in their detail. Not one of them ever once said that my mother had been a kind and gentle soul. They knew the score and said so. But they spoke of her deep regret at her inability to love me, how it was her inability to love me and not me that was unlovable. She gave details of where she was from, how she died and of her treatment of me. I also had communications from other people I knew who have passed over. Each of them all referred to the anguish I was in, all told me how much I was loved, and that I would survive this agony. I kept receiving the same words over and over and over from different people who knew me not. Eventually I realised that those on the other side truly did know me which is why they kept saying the same thing over and over. They understood I did not trust and they were patient. They loved me. They KNEW me and they knew where I had been.

During this time I was convinced I had cancer. The constant discomfort and sometimes pain my gut was awful. I was too afraid to say so to my Dr. The communications I had kept telling me I was alright, that i was not as ill as I thought, but I was still afraid. One of the mediums even asked me if I knew what IBS was. I said no. Later I was diagnosed with it, and realised I had had it for years, and now I take Colofac for it and end of problem.

NONE of the people who gave communication knew who I was or anything about me. Their words were accurate, detailed and would have been comforting had I been in a different mind frame at the time. But that is precisely why I got all those communications! Because they, meaning Spirit, knew the agony I was in and they showed me that they did exist, that they did care and they did understand.

As It Seems?

If it is true that we survive physical death, then the world is not as we think we know it. Not all. It means that scientists have it wrong.

We have learned, through science, the the world is not as we see it anyway. We only know the world through the filter of our brains and our brains do not give us reality but it's version of it.

I am often stunned by the fact that there are radio waves all around us. That if I turn a radio on, I can hear music or talking or a play or whatever. If I twiddle the knob, I hear different noises. If I did not have the radio,I would not know these 'waves' existed.

My car journeys are often guided by the 'waves' my GPS picks up from the air which are beamed down from outer space.

I see a medium in the same way. We are like radios-we can pick up waves which we ohterwise would not know were there.

The very idea that we survive physical death is ridiculous, I know. It flies against all we are taught to think. How could it be possible? I have yet to come up with another sensible explanation for my own experiences and those of others.

It is unfortunate, I think, that this idea of surviving death is tied up with a belief in God. Many take it as proof that God exists. It is no such thing. It is evidence only we physical death is not the end of the personality. It does not offer any proof or suggestion that there is a God. Believing in life after death is not incompatible with atheism.

Scientists often say that to explain the inexplicable by coming up with another inexplicable explanation - ie. God is plain daft and just creates another question with no answer-who created God?
Yet, the only explanation they have come up with is : there was nothing and suddenly there was a Big Bang and here we are. How can nothing bang?

As I write this I am filled with such a deep longing, an endless awe. Arising in me when ever I ponder the enormity of our universe, of our existence. I cannot fathom it. Nor can you. No one can. We are not equipped to.

Look up at the stars one clear night and think about how far away those lights are. Think about how we are on one planet in one solar system that is in one galaxy that is just one of many billions of galaxies in the universe

Think about how there is no end. Infinity. Impossible to imagine. No end. Nothing beyond, there is no beyond because it doesn't end. If it does end, what is on the other side? There is no other side.

You see how it just boggles the mind?

Is it any wonder that we in our fear create Gods of whom we are afraid and whom we must obey or perish? I can certainly understand how contemplating the sky, the universe, can fill one with fear.

I have come to accept that the questions I have will go unanswered. At least whilst I am in this physical realm. Perhaps forever though I think that if I continue on after my body does, then I shall find out more. (I want to know why birds walk across the road when they can fly.)

Scientists say that those of us who do not accept their view, that there is nothing after physical death, are afraid of the truth, are afraid that this is all there is. Maybe so. yet they too are afraid. They are afraid that their view of the world is wrong. They are afraid that the meanings they have created are wrong. We all fear that. The meanings we create are what enables us to live. If our meaning creations are demolished it is incredibly frightening. It what 'nervous breakdowns' are about. Scientists seem to think they are different. that they are objective. They are not any different to the rest of us. Objectivity is not possible. everything is subjective. We are each completely unable to think outside our brains or other than through the meanings we have created.

Think about it though, if we truly do survive death, it alters everything we know. It means nothing is as it appears to be. It also really means we have nothing to fear even though many of us have been taught that all that awaits us after physical death is suffering.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

My Take

I have two possibilities that seem acceptable to me regarding the Jesus story. As always, we must start with the premise he did exist and bear in mind that maybe he did not.


He was a man who knew we survived physical. That we are spiritual beings first and foremost. He was a highly developed medium. He preached this, that we are all children of god, that God dwells within each of us, that we are eternal beings. he went to his physical death knowing he would survive it and that he would appear once again to his followers to prove that death was but an illusion.


the story is an allegory about good and evil. How the good is always attacked by the bad. The story shows how this happens, why it happens(it is such a threat to those who want the world to stay as it is because they benefit in power and riches). It shows how despite all, good always wins in the end. Good cannot be destroyed and evil has no power.

To me, to say that Jesus was God makes no sense and indeed weakens the whole story so far as to make it worthless. If Jesus was a MAN, an ordinary human being like you and me, the story really packs a punch and is meaningful. If Jesus was God, then it is meaningless because God can do anything and always had choice. Making Jesus God makes a mockery and nonsense of the story to me.

The idea that the death of Jesus was the sacrifice God needed in order to assuage his anger at the sins of people is an abomination to me. What sort of monster is being described here? An egotistical megalomaniac with little regard for the feelings and welfare of others!

In the end we can get bogged down trying to figure these things out. It is always well to bear in mind the context within which we learned of this story. If we were born at another place, in another culture, we would not be pondering this story because it would not be part of the fabric of our society!

It is more important to understand that the real issue is that we are loved unconditionally (including regardless of our beliefs) and through knowing this and understanding this we can let go of fear and thus evil.

Monday, April 28, 2008


I really enjoy looking inside old churches and cathedrals. I am filled with awe at the artistry and engineering skills I see. It amazes me that people were able to build these, design them, all those centuries ago with none of the modern convenience and instruments etc.

I do not find them holy places at all. I don't feel anything spiritual in them. I feel only fear and cold. My mind is drawn to the pain and anguish of the people these places tortured and killed. Or rather the people who inhabited these places. What these places stood for is an abomination to me.

In St Bavo's (Ghent, Belgium), I was deeply moved by a depiction of a crucifixion. Not because the figure is meant to represent Jesus. I was moved almost to tears, which I stopped, just because I was appalled at the awfulness of such a death. At the awfulness of such an imagination that thought of this. MANY people were crucified, not just this one man. Many people suffered. Not just this man. In fact many people have suffered far far worse fates or more so than this man.

I just don't get why the supposed suffering of Jesus is revered the way it is. It seems sadistic or masochistic to me. (Like wearing a cross or crucifix-how sick is that when seen in the light of people wearing a gun or electric chair round their necks if he had been killed that way.)

From what we know, Jesus grew up with loving kind parents. He was not sexually abused, abandoned, tortured or any of the vile things that others have had to live with. He did not hate himself. He did not have survive a petrified childhood. He met a nasty end- yet it was not as nasty as the ends of millions of others. Like the gypsies, handicapped, gay people and Jews who were killed during the holocaust. (It is understandable if you were not aware that non Jews were sent to the camps and murdered. I once heard a Rabbi suggest that it was wrong to commemorate the deaths of gay people in the camps because by virtue of our sexuality we are sinners and therefore cannot expect better treatment......we deserved it in other words. And people wonder if evil exists? )

So back to this Jesus thing: compared to the suffering of millions of others, he suffered little, if he did indeed die that way. Assuming he lived at all of course.

Today, right now, this very second, as you read this, people are suffering a far worse fate. And millions have suffered far worse fates at hands of so called followers of this man, Jesus. Not just in days long gone but now, this very second, evil is committed in his name.

Excellent Day

I went with three of my dogs to WELKS dog show yesterday, a championship show held in the Malvern Hills. A beautiful setting when the weather is good.

Tantra's Lui was the first in the ring. He is not yet 7months old. I am not sure if he will make a show dog as I haven't yet decided if he is stubborn or really dislikes it. He didn't behave well really. Yet he was 3rd in his class of 10 which qualified him for Cruft's 09.

Tantra's Micah was in post Graduate and he was placed 2nd of 10 which also qualifies him for Cruft's 09.

Tantra's Shameless was 1st of 9 in Junior Bitch. She too qualifies. It is probably her last show this year as by the end of this week I ought to know if she is pregnant or not.

I almost did not enter this show. The judge was Mrs Richardson 0f the world famous Belazieth Kennel. She and her husband have bred 25 or so British champions. Not only do I like their type of Lhasa Apso but I greatly admire them because they have never followed fashion and ALL of their champions descend from their original dog. They know and understand this breed. I was therefore nervous about going under someone I held in such esteem for their knowledge of this breed. I am glad I did.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Fundamental Change

It would seem that my emotional clear out of the last few months of last year has brought about more change than I thought and at a deeper level than I have been aware.

Every time I have been away from home I do not sleep at all well and do not poo. Both of these things combined makes being away very difficult. I get very tired and confused and physically bloated and feel pretty awful.

Last Xmas when we went to Mannheim and spent time with new friends Diana and Lui and Lia, I not only slept each night but pooed too! It was not so easy the first night and I didn't poo for a couple of days but it was much better than it normally was.

This trip to Belgium was entirely without those two problems. I slept well from the first night and my bathroom habits remained normal. Phew!

This tells me that something has changed within me. I think part of that change is feeling more secure. Whatever it is, the change is obvious and shows itself in being able to sleep and have normal gut action when I am not on familiar ground.

Friday, April 25, 2008


St. Bavo's Cathedral, Ghent

Back Home

I learned one thing at least whilst away - to ignore weather forecasts! They are about as accurate as the end of the pier psychic.

We left with heavy hearts because both the weather Channel and the BBC forecast cold wet weather for the days we were in Belgium. What we got was bright sunshine and 19-20c (high 60's F) warmth. So glad we did not cancel.I ought to have known really. I have yet to boob when deciding which time period to choose for our trips.

This trip ranks as one of our best. Bruge and Ghent were both beautiful. Bruge was spoilt as it was so obviously a tourist trap. It didn't seem real. Ghent on the other hand was a real, lived in, city. Bruge reminded us both of Carcassone in France which was a huge disappointment. It is an ancient walled city which is now full to bursting with restaurants and souvenir shops and that is it. Bruge was similar.

Facilities were generally good as was access. One annoying disappointment was going to the Design Museum only to discover that there was no access for disabled people at all. On four floors, steep staircases and no lift. I could have left my wheelchair and walked around with my sticks the stairs were just out of the question. The woman on reception was clearly embarrassed and apologised. Surprisingly to me, John gets more annoyed than me about poor treatment of me.

At a restaurant we did have a problem. We walked up to it and the woman clearly did not want us there. She was young about late 30's and she did not speak English to us which was highly unusual. She made it clear that we would not be served outside, even though others were there at the tables eating and she indicated we must eat indoors. That was not feasible with 4 large stone steps to get over. We ate in the restaurant next door.

In another restaurant we had an entirely different experience. We sat at a table outside. My wheelchair would not fit under the table because of the way the table supports were positioned.
(I use my wheelchair to sit on for two reasons-not having to find a spot to store it and also because most other seats cause me pain-especially the wicker ones which most restaurants seemed to have.) Anyway, the owner saw that my wheelchair did not get me close enough to the table for comfort. So this is what he did: he interrupted other diners, made them move so he could haul out a different table under which my chair fit. No one moaned or glared and in fact seemed only too pleased to help. I was flabbergasted, grateful, and yet still felt embarrassed. We then had a lovely meal and a pleasant and amusing chat with the owner all through dinner. It was lovely. We both really enjoy eating outside on the pavement on warmish evenings.

In France at Cite Europe, we came across two UK women in their 60's both in wheelchairs, but motorised. We got chatting and one of the ladies was clearly almost in tears. Not because she was being treated so badly but because she was being treated so well it was a shock to her. She said her treatment in the UK was not like it was there in France. I told her I knew only too well what she meant. Now she would have been really shocked in Germany because the treatment there is even better. Here in the UK we are treated like shit basically. Few facilities, if they exist they are dirty and the general public treat us with disdain and impatience and disgust - assuming they even notice you. The amount of times I have people lean right over me when I am in the chair or who knock me over when on sticks, which is why I am usually in the chair.

Anyway, back to the trip: I did buy some sock yarn, a gorgeous Opal single colour in deep lilac, burnt orange from Bergerre de France and also some marled grey from same. I found the only yarn shop in Ghent. I have a nose for yarn. Germany has lots of good yarn shops. France and Belgium are like the UK-very few.

I also bought a deep purple shirt, a bright blue one and two tapestry waistcoats(vests), for wearing at dog shows. No shoes this time. Boring, boring, boring. Black or brown and if they were not trainers, they looked like trainers. I did find a green pair of shoes and a red pair but neither fit me.

We went inside St Bavo's Cathedral. It was stunning. truly the most artistically beautiful I have seen. John was impressed too though he says St Paul's in London and St Peter's in Rome beat it. I haven't seen either and although St Paul's is close at hand, not accessible to me.

I have loads of pics I will post later.

The house felt so odd when we got home. Empty like a new house feels. Our stuff was all here but the house was empty and cold-no dogs. I find it surprising how much I miss my dogs when I am away. yes, I do enjoy enjoy the break away from responsibility. Being able to do as I wish and not worry about feeding, getting home on time or taking them out or letting them out. Yet I miss them dreadfully and arriving home to a house with no dogs is awful. We went and got them all back as soon as we could. They went nuts. They run around and howl and jump on us, lick us, howl some more. Even Nechung, 10.5yrs old and very snobby, does her dance and howl.

I have more to say but this is long post already so.....

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Saturday, April 19, 2008

To Belgium

We are off to Belgium in the morning.

The dogs are all going to our friend, Lorraine, tonight. The house will seem strange with no dogs in it.

Unfortunately, it looks as though the weather is going to be wet. Tried looking elsewhere to see if we could change destination but it would seem the whole of Europe will be wet!

I seem to be having a flare right now. No swimming yesterday and still in a good deal of pain today. Thursday night was awful but last night I slept very well though had trouble getting up this morning. I managed to swing my legs over the edge and the rest sort of followed till I could grab the radiator and haul myself up.

I started another pair of socks -OnLine Beach Collection-wool / cotton mix. I am using only 66 stitches for these and a 2.25mm needle.

I wonder what sock yarn I will see in Belgium. Hopefully something different to the stuff I already have.

Ghent (Gent) and Bruges (Brugge) are really old mediaeval cities so there ought to be plenty to see. Museums and galleries and such and I believe there is an old castle on one of the cities or in both. At least much of what we can see will be under cover should the forecast of rain be right. We both have long grey rain macs which we bought in Trier Germany when we got caught by rain. Trouble is, in my wheelchair or on my sticks, I can't move than quickly to get out of the rain!

As we are only going to be away until Thursday, we won't have to take a lot of clothes, so there won't be much to haul. We intend to do grocery shopping for condiments and coffee. yes, the coffee there is better quality and much much cheaper than here. They do all different types of beans. I am mainly after decaffeinated ready ground as my bean to cup machine takes that too. Decaf for the evening. I want to find a dark roast one. It is hard to find dark roast in decaf. For reason they seem to think decaf should be weak in taste!

Also their condiments are very varied. Like light yoghurt salad dressings. For some reason no one has the wit to sell such stuff here and coffee beans here are about four times the price.

Shopping is very much part of the fun on these trips. For me anyway.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Toe Up Sock Pattern

Yarn: any 4ply / fingering sock yarn. I used Trekking handpainted Tundra.

Needle: 2mm circular needle. I used Hiya Hiya 80cm length.

Tension (gauge) 38sts and 52 rows to 10cm (9.5 spi and 13 rpi)

The size if for my foot which is 25.4 cms (10") long and 23.5 cm (9.25") round the base of toes.

Cast on 25 sts on each needle point, 50 in total, using Judy's Magic Cast On.

Knit one round.
K1 M1 knit to 1 before last st, M1, K1.

Knit 2 rounds.

K2, M1, knit to last two sts, M1, k2

Knit 2 rounds

K3, M1, knit to last 3 sts, M1 K3

Continue thus until you have 39 sts on each needle. (at the beginning an end of each inc round you k 1 more stitch than previous inc round-so on next inc round you k4 before the M1 etc)

After final increase round, knit 2 rounds.

At this point you have knitted 22rounds

Beginning of next round, P3 , K3 to end, ending with P3. Only on first needle(instep sts). Knit only on second needle. So you will ribbing, p3 k3, on only 39sts, the instep sts.

Knit until you have knitted 85 rounds.

On round 86, you knit the ribbing sts and on the sts st section you K3, M1, knit to last 3, M1, K3.

Knit two rounds.

On round 89 knit as round 86.

Continue until you have knit 116 rounds.

On round 117 , knit only the ribbing sts.

On the sts ts (sole) side, knit until 20sts are elft. SSK, K1 and turn. Slip 1 pw, purl until you 20sts left, p2 tog, P1, turn.

Sl 1pw, knit to 1 st before gap, SSK, k1, turn, Sl1 pw, purl to 1st before gap, P2 tog, p1 turn.

Continue thus until you get to the point when you are KNITTING to the end of the row, and you can only SSK. Do that SSK.

Now you are ready to continue to knit on the ribbing side, i.e round 88.

BEFORE you purl those first 3 sts, using the needle tip that holds the ribbing sts, pick up the yarn from between the last two sts on the other needle(sole sts) two rows down. Now purl that pick up with the first stitch of the ribbing sts. Knit in pattern until you reach the sole sts again.

BEFORE you knit the sole sts, use the tip of the needle to pick the yarn strand just a syou did previously. Now knit that pick up with the first two sts on the sole needles, TBL.

Continue to knit the sock int he round, ribbing still only on one needle and the sole sts are plain st.

Do this for 10 rounds.

Continue to knit only when you get to the sole sts, you K3, p3, K3 to end, ending with K3.

Knit for as long as you wish. Use the Elizabeth Zimmerman sewn cast (bind ) off, or cast ( bind) off of your choice.

To make a shorter length foot or narrower foot or tow, remember the gauge and it will be easy.

It is important that you shape the heel 2.5cm (1") from end of foot. So if you alter the length of foot to only 17.7 cm (7" ) you shape your heel at 15.2cms (6 ins).

Also, if you start off with less sts cast on (and you MUST start off with the samee odd number on each needle- ie 19 on each, or 21, or 17 of whatever).


Appalling Advert

I cannot recall what this poster is advertising. It is one of those huge billboards on the side of the road. It has a a young woman, in sexy pose, clothes not done up properly. What is wrong with that?

Oh, the fact that she is wearing a school uniform!!!!

It is 2008. How can adverts like this still be used? In fact, one often sees adult women dressed provocatively in girls school uniform in newspapers and magazines or on tv.

WHY? Are those responsible really so thick they do not see the clear inference?

Or is it that we, the general public, do not care enough to complain and have these offensive ads/pictures removed?

When are people going to get it through their thick heads that children are not there to be sexualised?

A few years ago I recall an email war over the remake of the film Lolita with Jeremy Irons. I was astounded at the number of people, mainly men but not all, who blamed Lolita!

No matter how provocative a girl or boy is towards an adult, even if they make it clear they want sex, it is up to the adult to SAY NO!!!! If the adult doesn't, they are guilty of abuse. It really is that simple.

There is a situation like this going on in Neighbours right now where a female student is laying it on heavy with a teacher who she is in love with. The teacher has been grossly criminal in that he has allowed himself to give in to her. Yes, she is doing the running. However, he is the adult and the one with the power and no matter what this girl does, it is his duty to SAY NO!!!!

Sock Pattern

I am especially pleased with the current pair of socks.

A simple 3 x 3 rib but it as yet another tweaked recipe using my heel.

I am going to write this one up. The fit is good. I am almost finished the socks so when I am, I shall publish the pictures and the pattern. It will be toe up on one circular needle.

Inappropriate Song Again

An anonymous poster commented on the Young Girl song and gave YMCA as another song that has paedophilic overtones. I haven't had time until now to to do a lyric search.

Here is the lyric:


There is nothing there to suggest this is a pedarasts song. However, at the time the fuss was rooted in homophobia and I suggest this is so now.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Giving A Leg Up

The Cockerpoo from Hearing Dogs for Deaf People arrived today. What a delightful creature she was too. Her mum was a Miniature Poodle and her dad was a Cocker (English). Her coat was like that of a an Irish water Spaniel. Black though. Very pretty and friendly.

Micah was very eager and so was she. Trouble being that Hetti (her name) was much bigger than Micah. In fact she was bigger than either a Cocker or a Min Poodle. So we did the mating outside in the garden. Micah stood on the concrete patio and Hetti stood on the gravel, thus being a few inches lower down. Micah didn't do it properly the first time, they didn't tie, so I told him to pull himself together and do it again properly. He did and they tied. The handler of of Hetti was astonished that Micah did as he was asked. She said that none of the charity's studs would have done it.

I think these puppies will be absolutely gorgeous and their tempers well suited for their job. I think this is such a great life for the dogs and a great service for their owners too.

Our friend Gail brought over a belated birthday cake for John.

I picked up John from Peterborough station after his trip back from Brussels. The train he went on to Brussels travels at 185 mph.

I may take Shameless for another shag tomorrow as she still seems to want to.

I have got through maybe a third of my cd collection now, onto my Ipod. I am still amazed by it. The box of already done cd's is huge and it is astonishing to me that this tiny thing holds so much music. Mind you, I am still impressed by vynl! A round plastic disc, put a needle on it, and out comes the sound. Amazing.

Friday, April 11, 2008

A Bit Of The Other

I've been busy.

Took Shameless for a successful rendezvous with Yankee. I am taking her again this morning.

I forgot to go for my blood test today. Ruth, the phlebotomist, called and rescheduled.

The new 160gb Ipod is excellent. Like the menu design and feel of it. Not quite reached half way thru my cd collection yet. The Ipod is not without it's foibles. Or maybe I mean Itunes. It sometimes insists on putting tracks from one album together with tracks from another. I have figured out how to sort it out afterwards but not how to stop it in the first place. Oh and I have a gadget, a tape with a lead on it, that allows me to play my Ipod in the car. Super.

Micah is having a special girl visit tomorrow. The Hearing Dogs for deaf People are bringing him a Cockerpoo girl to mate. Did I tell you that me and my dogs are now working with this charity to breed dogs for them? They really like my dogs tempers and 5 of my dogs have been successful as Hearing Dogs so far. Oh, no, I think h 3 have passed and one is for breeding and the other is undecided yet-maybe as a hearing dog or as a breeding girl.

I think this is an excellent charity and it is a great life for my dogs. I am very flattered that approached my about using my lines for developing their own breeding program.

John is off to Brussels for work. Next Sunday, we leave for Brussels for our 4 day break!

I did not swim yesterday as I was too tired. I swam only half a mile on Wednesday and today I swam only 3/4 mile. I think maybe I need to stick to the 3/4 mile so that I have more energy for other things.

I have almost completed another pair of socks and I shall post them up when I have.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Not Enough Space

I bought a 30gb Ipod and my cd collection does not fit on it. So I have replaced it with a 160gb one.
Buying an Ipod was a good thing for me to do because I now am back to listening to music everyday.I had stopped doing this because it was too painful to keep getting up and down to change the cd in the cd player!

We have just realised too that once all of my music is on the Ipod - a massive job- we can store the cd's elsewhere and this gives more space for the books and dvd's that are piled on the floor.....

Now for something completely different: when John is here I always have to wake him up in the morning, though I leave him to sleep till about 11am unless I need him to be up earlier. I even call him everyday by phone to make sure he is up for work even though he has an alarm clock. And, yes, usually my phone call wakes him up!

Now back to technology. I love tech stuff. My whole life is changed for the better because of the PC. Design software for my knitting machines, the Ipod, cd burning, and best of all the new friends I have met and the travelling I have done as result and also my new lines in the dogs. All because of htis wonderful thing called the Net.

I am about to have a 500gb hard drive added to my pc. And I thought 80gb was far far more than I would ever need when I bought this PC! i have a 500gb external hard drive but that ought to be just for back up and it would be better to have an internal one. Amazingly, these things are cheap now.

Clever Girl

I have been somewhat concerned about Shameless and this season. She has not been behaving as I am used to bitches behaving and she has been very obvious in showing her displeasure when Micah has gone anywhere near her. She growled and then bit if he took no notice. Oh dear, I thought, this isn't good.

Today she pushed her bum into my hand when I checked her out so I thought well, okay I shall take her to the male I had lined up even though I believed it was a waste of time or was going to be very difficult at the least.

No way! As soon as he was there and saw him, she knew what she wanted.

It seems, just like alpha she wolves in the wild, SHE chose her man.

Now there was no chance I'd let Micah mate her anyway-he is her father, but she was not taking any chances herself!

Hopefully, puppies will result in approx 63 days (9 weeks) although mine usually arrive at 58-60 days.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

No Sex Please

This is the 15th-16th day of season for Shameless and she is still not willing. She attacks Micah if he goes near her. I hope this is just because she is taking longer to come to the boil than usual, although it might be normal for her as she is still a maiden and this is only her second season.

This going slow lark is really helping me. Not just to save fuel costs-and it has done that by quite a lot. It cost me £42 to fill up from 1/4 full whereas it would normally have cost £49. Apart from that, my slowing down, easing up on the self imposed pressure, the not hurrying to do things, in other words giving myself a break, has really helped me feel better-more relaxed. This morning I did go for my swim but I swam only half a mile instead of my usual mile. I feel better for it. I
cut back because I have other things I need to do today-like bath dogs which is one of my jobs I cannot put off.

It was John's 61st birthday yesterday. Written down it seems so unlikely that he is 61! The pictures below were taken at Xmas.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Inappropriate Song

There is a song that was a big hit in the 60's and fit is constantly played on a loop cd at the pool. It is called Young Girl and was sung by Gary- something - and The Union Gap.

The words to this song are appalling. The following is just an excerpt:

Young girl, get out of mind,
My love for you is way out of line
You'd better run girl
You're much too young girl

and so on.

The man singing puts the onus on the girl for his feelings!

Maybe you think the words are harmless?

try this:

Young boy, get out my mind
My love for you is way out of line
You'd better run boy
You're much too young boy

I don't understand why this song still gets so much airplay. I was told when I commented on it that I 'think too much' Now where have I heard that before? Oh, yes, from those who requirted that I keep my mouth shut in order to save themselves.

Whilst I am at it, remember Delilah by Tom Jones? A nice little ditty about a man who kills his girlfriend and then blames her because she had the temerity to make him jealous. Despite asking for her forgiveness, he still blames her for his behaviour. She deserved to be strangled did she not? And this song was also a big hit.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Merino Sweater

I knit a sweater with some lovely high micron Merino, using 6 strand on the fine gauge at 37st and 55rws to 10cm (4").

I boobed and made the neck not quite large enough for me. It went over my head fine though and I liked the fit of the collar. However, it was also too large for, especially length wise. I keep forgetting my weight loss. Anyway, It fit John well but he hates anything that hugs his neck.

Then Mary came around for me to tell her if Jess was pregnant or not (she definitely is) and I remembered that her husband is tall and thin so I gave her the sweater for him.

I was pleased it found a home. I have found that Charity shops do not much care for hand wash items.

In A Jam

I left here at 3.30 pm and I got to the church where I was to do my dem at 810pm!!!!

I was held up first by an accident. When the traffic did not clear after I passed the accident. I wondered what was up. Well, those dear road men had closed the M11 south. It didn't occur to them to let anyone know this before hand. There was no warning. I spent an eeny weeny little while being angry and then I thought to myself that anger would not help me and would only serve to wind me up and that would not get me to the church on time. Eventually I was off the M11 and following diversions. The diversion signs ended in the middle of Bishops Stortford. I was now annoyed. I tried not to be. I swore at Gertrude and told her to shut up but she kept insisting I do a U turn and return to the M11. She doesn't understand that one can't drive on a closed road. GPS have their limits.

Almost 5 hours after leaving home I arrived at the church. I had already done my preparation in the car, opening myself up, prayer etc.

Thankfully the demonstration went very well. The attendees were happy, the President was happy (she had had to talk to them all till I got there) and those who received communication were happy.

I did part of it 'blindfold'. I cannot see the person I am giving the message to. I cannot hear them either as only one designated person speaks to me to let me know if what i am saying is accepted by the receiver or not. Doing it this way shows that one doesn't need the persons voice to keep a spirit link and also proves that I am not cold reading as I have no clue as to whom i am speaking to.

I did straight communications too. Oh and I also linked in with spirit and people by holding an object of theirs. Some audience members put an object of theirs on a tray and later picked one up, like a raffle I suppose, and made my link that way. I say what I feel to say and then ask whom the object belongs to and if what i said made sense. It usually works well as it did last night. This method is often called psychometry but it isn't rue psychometry as I am using just as a method of making a connection whereas true psychometry is the reading of the object's history.

I arrived home at about 12.40am. Very sore. I can't lift my arms above my shoulder because of pain. So that counts swimming out today. Mind you, I wouldn't have gone anyway as I am too knackered. I am pretty sore all over really, especially my shoulder and knees joints.

I realised last evening on the drive home why these Tramadol bother me. Taking them brings home to me the level of pain I have been living with, not really aware of how high the level was until I took these pills and it stopped! At first I was concerned that the pills themselves made me fell good but the Dr told me I feel good cos I am not hurting.

They also bother me because people can become dependant upon them and they can experience withdrawal symptoms if they stop taking them. One reason why I am NOT 400 mg a day. The most I have taken so far is 200mg, and usually none or just 100mg. I took some this morning first thing.

This need of taking the new more powerful drug also rather brings home the fact that my disease is progressing nicely thank you. It seems a bit rapid. Until John and I discussed it last night. Yes, I have been using sticks to walk since June o4. However, I have had trouble with mobility and pain since 1987 its just that I didn't realise it was a problem and besides I had discovered Mary Jane at that time and that dealt with all of my symptoms so I never troubled a Dr with them. It was only after stopping using MJ in 98 that I soon realised I had a problem but then put it down to my weight. My present dr is EXCELLENT and she really took notice of me and watched me and finally said to me that I needed to have various tests and that is how we got here. Although what really got my attention was being stranded in Stockholm on June 12th 04, being unable to move and in much pain. When I got back to England, the Dr arranged the testes and specialist appointments.

Much to my surprise I think I cope well. I am good at disassociating (a trick learned in childhood, just to prove that abuse does have it's positive side) so am able to push the pain to the back of my mind. Okay, so not always but pretty much so. I am not the person i thought I would be with it-I expected I'd be on my pity pot and spend my time being helpless and in bed. I am not that person at all. I push myself and I tend to reject help. I have learned thought to be sensible and to accept help I need.

I also still have good periods - where one could almost think it has gone for good.

Edit: I forgot to mention that I saw Moon and Shilpa, the dogs that now live with my friend Dawn. They went nuts to see me. Obviously have not forgotten me. That felt good.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

For Me

I realised yesterday when thinking about my blog that I have become conscious of the fact that it is read. This has led to me editing what I write or not writing at all. Well, this is my blog and I started it for me. It's my diary if you like. I am more than pleased that what I write resonates with others. However, it is still being written for me and I must bear that in mind next time I think I ought to edit myself!

Today, Mary is visiting with Jess for me to tell her if Jess is pregnant. She brought her Monday and I was fairly certain she was pregnant but told her to come back a few days later as by then what I was feeling will have grown if they were foetus. (Should that be foeti?)

Later today I am off to a hall near my flat (here in London) where I am to do a special demonstration this evening. Despite knowing this will not be different to any other demonstration I do, I am nervous. The dem has been advertised and hyped up. I'd rather it was just business as usual. I do not want prominence in any way. I want just to do a good job and reach out to those I can reach.

Shameless is not yet ready for mating. Which is handy really. It would have been more than awkward if she had been ready today or yesterday because of the travelling I must do. I am glad, btw, that I chose to use Yankee again and now because he is off to Norway soon!

I have dog shows coming up at the end of April, just when we get back from Belgium and then later on in May in Scotland. My show schedule will not be as busy as last year because there are judges this year I will not enter under and because of the likelihood of having puppies from Shameless. I am really looking forward to these puppies as I think the two will go very well together.

Yesterday, I took the Tramadol before I went for my swim. Wow! Now that really did help. The swim was easier. When I got home, just after 9am, I just had time to deal with the dogs, internet banking and emails before I was ready for bed again. I went to bed at 10.30am and got up at 12.15pm. I was then fine for the rest of the day until bed time. I took one other dose of Tramadol at 4.30pm.

Not only does this drug do what it says it will do but it lasts. I can take up to 8 a day-100mg 4 times, but have not had to take more than 100mg twice. I will take a dose before my demonstration this evening.

Oh and when John and I went to church last Sunday, the medium said to John that his mother, Jean, was here and that she was doing well and she loved him very much. I commented to John about how his mother had come thru so clearly, so soon, and twice now. He said that would be typical of her to be right up front like that. So even the way people come back to us to show that death is but an horizon we can't see over, fits in with their personality.

I would like to know if my father has passed over. To find this out, I would have to make a contact that I really do not to make. It has just brought more aggro and grief in the past. It is unlikely they will voluntarily contact me even though they know how to. They didn't tell me about my mother's death.

Thursday, April 03, 2008


I am off to bed now. This is so frustrating. Yes, the Tramadol works well. Yesterday I did nothing, not even dog training. Brief trip to supermarket, watched tv and knitted the rest of the time.

Today I have been swimming, bathed Micah and have eaten. Now I feel exhausted and sore. No pills as I am not sure if the pain warrants it and am scared of getting dependant upon them. The pack says it is unlikely and it also says they can be used to prevent pain.

I shall see how I feel when I awake.

On a good note my BP was 108 over 50 last night at 10pm.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

It's Down To You

The following is based upon the premise that there is a God (which is neither proven or disproved):

If we were created by God then me must be a part of God. Just the same way we are part of our physical parents. If you breed two dogs together, you get more dogs, you do not get cats.

Likewise, if God is eternal and spirit then so are we. If we are part of God we can never be apart from God. We can only think ourselves apart and are only so as long as we think it.

We cannot be destroyed. God cannot destroy parts of Herself. That would be ludicrous.

If God is the ocean, then we are raindrops - rising from the ocean and returning from whence we came.

No 'holy' book has any authority other than that which the READER gives it. It has no meaning other than that which the READER gives it.

If someone else truly paid for your sins, your suffering would cease immediately. Yet no one on earth escapes consequences. Cause and effect continue regardless of belief. Those who believe that someone else paid for their sins, still suffer pain and grief and consequences of their errors. Pause for thought?

It is a well known fact children believe what they are told by their guardians. It is inbuilt to do so. It is not only well known but well exploited by adults. It is why faith schools exist. Why children, who are too young to think for themselves, are indoctrinated into the belief system of their guardians. The guardians know the truth of the saying: give me a child till he is 7 and I shall give you the man'.

It takes enormous courage to face this abuse and undo it's damage. To do so is to invite great suffering until the poison is expunged.

Abuse it is. Of the worst kind. Corrupting the minds and spirit of children. Evil.

Such indoctrination is why people can believe that Heaven is full of virgins for the plucking if they kill for their God. Is why people believe that if they do not believe they will burn for eternity. It is why people will beat their children. It is why people will mutilate their babies(circumcision-male and female). It is why people believe that wearing certain clothing, or not, eating certain things, or not, reciting certain words, or not, will save them! It is why people believe that those who do not believe as they do are damned.

People believe such illogical, and evil, nonsense because they have been programmed to do so. It is the hardest thing to deprogramme oneself.

Of course, sometimes adults come to these beliefs as adults. Out of fear, self centredness, and being ripe for such indoctrination by the experiences of their childhoods which have left them feeling bad and worthless.

Why self centred? Those who believe that they are following the one and true God and damn those who do not are gaining their peace of mind at the expense of others! It is such people who make the lives of others miserable or even end. So they can feel safe.

Example: hating groups of people because their God says so.In order to be in their God's good books, they must cause others to suffer.

History is littered with the bodies and anguish of those persecuted by the followers of a loving(!!!!) God.

The subjugation of women, children, different races, homosexuals, all done supposedly in the name of a loving God but in actuality done in the name of human fear and self centredness.

There are none so dangerous as those who believe in their own righteousness. To have no doubt is to have faith only in ones own self. Those who say they have 100% faith in their belief system, be it atheism or religion, are truly saying they have complete faith in themselves.

And that is from whence evil comes.

If only we gave serious thought to what is a very frightening prospect for us; that we are loved unconditionally.

Why frightening? Well, we might just about be able to accept that we are loved unconditionally but we cannot contemplate that those we fear or hate or who hurt us are too.....

So we made God in our image.

A result!

I was prescribed Tramadol ages ago, over a year, and have never taken it because the list of side effects is long and unpleasant and I knew two people who had to stop taking it. It's a heavy pain killer.

Anyway, I bit the bullet Friday and took one. An hour later I took another(the recommended dose).

No side effects at all that I am aware of. And it is very good for stopping pain, almost completely. I was a little concerned at how much better I felt mentally, thinking it may be the drug hyping me, until it was pointed out to me that I was probably feeling good because I had stopped hurting.....

Like the NSAIDS I cannot take these drugs everyday. At least I know I can switch between the NSAIDS, Co Codomol and the Tramadol.


Panic - almost

Early Saturday morning my external hard drive failed. Where I kept 122 gb's worth of photographs and music. Not replaceable-the photographs anyway.

I kept myself under control and switched it off and on and off and on and off and on......praying it would come back to life. It did! I then went and bought another one, much cheaper and more space too, and transferred everything over to the new one.

I also have backed up all 122 gb's onto DVD.

Now I have discovered that these external hard drives have limited life and really ought to be used for back up only and so turned on maybe one a week.

Okay, so now I will buy another internal hard drive to store my stuff on, using the external as back up.

When I bought this pc it had 80gb's and I thought then 'what would I need that much for? Now 200bg's is nowhere near enough......