Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


How can I be more annoyed at something trivial than at something major?

I was fed up having to go to an online conversion thing every time I wanted to convert from yards to metres. So I made a point of remembering that 0.9144m is 1 yard.

(oh and some idiot now thinks that the reason the EU is insisting we all use metric is that different EU countries have inches of different lengths!)

I thought this would be helpful so I shared it one the various sock knitters lists. The response? Every which way of doing the same damn thing, more complicated and less accurate. It seems some people just cannot bear to see me be helpful and have to find a way to tear it down. Whatever I say, contradict it, knock it down, but never say thanks or agree. OOh no. People might think f*ck knows what'

So I wrote 'you could if you don't have a calculator or a brain' which was meant to be funny. I then get a snippy email from someone who thought it very mean.

Really! I think I shall go off in huff and sulk now. The world would be so much nicer with just my dogs, if somewhat boring and lacking in sex. So maybe the world wouldn't be that much nicer after all.

EDIT: is just me or is there something about commentators who only leave negative comments?


This is the second time this year that this Amaryllis has flowered. This has four flowers. The other looks as though it might flower again too.

I went for my swim at the later time, which seems to suit me much better. Although once I was home and changed my clothing, I realised I had already run out of spoons. Pish! So I shall knit socks and watch dvd's.

I saw the first half of the first episode of Flash Forward last night. It looks promising. If we like it, we will wait for it to be out on DVD. I refuse to watch ads every few minutes or waste time FF thru them. Are we really as thick as the programme makers make out, with such short attention spans? If so, it's a wonder any film makes it the cinema.

On THAT list, you know the one, the person who made the homophobic remarks seems to be suffering from envy just as I thought. I have since seen what she has written about me to others and it is clear she is jealous. It certainly irks her I don't work!

Listen up now! If you want my life, you have to have the past 50 years too and my 24/7 pain. You can't pick and choose. If you want what I have, you have to go thru it all and HAVE what I have. I am flattered that anyone would envy me.

Oh and it has become very clear that I press the buttons of a certain psychologist with no personal insight. She might want to look at why instead of taking every opportunity she can to take a swing.

As if I needed reminding how uninsightful shrinks are!

Have you ever wondered how this world would be without fear? I don't mean necessary fears - like of height, poisonous animals, lions etc as those fears are part of survival. I mean the fear of not being good enough, not having enough, of not being safe. It seems to me those fears are at the root of our ills. They probably affect all of us to a degree. The more they affect us the more our behaviour is going to reflect it.

It just occurred to me that this is what lies behind those two people who swing at me. They fear me. How weird is that? Not very weird at all. If you look at why, you'd soon see. I threaten both of their ideas about how people 'should' be. They feel threatened and they lash out. They don't see this of course. They see the twig in my eyes, not the log in theirs.

The one thing I have known for a very long time is that those who are the most judgemental are those whose own behaviour is appalling. My parents were very judgemental of others. Very condemnatory. Look how they were! I knew people who robbed for a living. Cheque kiting etc. They were EXTREMELY judgemental of others. especially those who 'mugged' people. Yet how the f**k did they think they got the cheque cards and credit cards they used to steal with? A gay friend of mine's mother looked down upon us, gay people, because we don't have good relationships. Says she who was on her 3rd failed marriage!!!! And I am on the same one for 28 years. Oh really?

People put you down in order to put themselves up. If they didn't feel that need, they wouldn't. It's why the religious bigots do what they do- the idiots think that intolerance and cruelty pleases their God. Right now, here in the UK, there are a couple of bones making their way around he country whilst people venerate them. In the name of their God. Fools. And soon we are to be blessed by a visit by the Pope. Yes the same Pope who appears to like Nazis, and who hates gays. Logical no? Aw, come one now, of course it is. And millions have been duped and corrupted into believing the crap. I know. I was taught by nuns and priests. They taught that to question was evil. That it was Satan who made me doubt. Later, in a different but the same, brand of Xtianity, we were taught that Satan planted all the evidence for evolution and any other science that contradicted what the elders said was true and I , of course, because I dared to use my brain and think, was branded Devil Spawn.

So be warned. My spawn may infect you.

Finally, whilst I am at it, in the last 12 years of Internetting, the meanest most foul and cruel emails have all come from Xtians. No I didn't assume they were, they told me so. They told how much they loved Jesus and how much they hated me.


(you know, I am never sure what is going to come out when I write so it is surprising and interesting to me to find out what I think.)

Monday, September 28, 2009


This cold is weird. Sometimes I think I have it and other times not. Seems fairly common with this bug. It hurts if I cough but I rarely do. I have to blow my nose frequently and sometimes feel crap.

I decided to swim today anyway. I did it okay but certainly felt every stroke. I am more or less convinced now that the daily 64 lap swims have passed. I can't manage them anymore. Bugga! (if you are not on Socknitters you won't get the reference. Some person named their sock yarn range BUGGA! Can you believe it?)

Sunday 4th is a dog show as is Thursday 8th (in the f'ing middle of Wales in October!!!! It used to be a summer show. The entry is only 51. Half what is normally is. Guess why? Only idiots like me entered.), and also Sunday 11th. Then we have a short break with one more in October, one in November and one in December (tho there are two) and maybe none in December. Haven't decided yet.

Friday, September 25, 2009


When I first started to write this blog, I had no idea why and no idea what. Then I started to write about my past, my journey and personal stuff. It was scary but that fear soon went I realised that there were others out there who were reading it and gaining from it.

I get emails from people all over the world telling me they share my past. Some are still stuck in the pain. There is so little real help out there.

There are loads of therapists. I know. I saw loads of them. And most of them made matters worse. There are many 'self help', 'new age' 'self healing' books out there which ultimately tell you it's your fault that you are a mess.

Then there are the experts who appear on tv and tell us that once abused, one never recovers. That children who are abused are of a specific nature that makes the abuser seek them out. That there is something about us that makes it certain we will be abused.

No f*cking wonder it is so hard to recover!!!!! All this bullshit around.

YOU WERE ABUSED FOR ONLY ONE REASON-THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE PERSON WHO ABUSED YOU. If you hadn't been there, it would have been someone else and it would not have been their fault either.

You DID NOT have a sign around you that said 'abuse me'. You were not passive and starving for love so therefore asking for it. You know all this crap is like saying that the raped woman ought not to have been dressed the way she was.

For those of us abused over a period of time, sexually, it was because you were manipulated emotionally and mentally. You were chosen because you were THERE. No other reason. It was not YOU. You could have been anybody and it still would have happened because it was never about you. It isn't now. It is about the abuser.

And if you were abused by parents, that was about THEM. It wasn't you who was unlovable. It was THEY who could not love. It wasn't you who was not acceptable. It was THEY who were unacceptable. And again, it wasn't YOU. Whoever they had in their power, they'd have abused that power. The problem was THEM all along.

Have SIBLINGS who also abused you? Or who colluded? It still is THEM not you. They CHOSE their way of dealing with the situation. For them it was easier to blame you than to face the fact of not being loved by their parents. So YOU become the villain and they can live their fantasy of having loving parents.

Are you still around your abusers? Are you still believing that you need to forgive to get well? That they are family so you must stick with them? It is all BULLSHIT and designed to keep you in chains.

You can get away and stay away. If a stranger abused you, who in their right mind would tell you had to remain friends with them? Family is no different. They do not deserve YOU. Get away, guilt free, if that is what you want. You will never get what you want form them. Love and acceptance and an apology. It won't happen. You don't NEED it either. WOW! Isn't that amazing? The one thing you thought you needed to live well, you don't need at all.

Honour Thy father and Thy Mother is used to beat us over the head and to keep us in chains. BOLLOCKS! You don't honour those who abuse you.

Anger is natural. Hatred is dangerous and damaging to you. Someone said that to hate is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die.

Those who don't love you are the ones missing out. You don't have to do back flips to find love. Just be you.

Someone else said, and I find it so true, 'I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not'.

Don't try and be what others want you to be. Be YOU. Life is very short. Don't waste trying to get the approval of people whose approval is not worth a damn. You need YOUR approval.


Thursday, September 24, 2009


My friend that I mentioned the other day, he who had the heart attack whilst driving at 70mph on the motorway, has had triple bypass surgery today. He has come out of that fine.

I could have sworn I had a cold this morning. Now I am not so sure. I don't feel good but not bad either.

I bathed Bridget today and Carly maybe is going to get hers too. Tomorrow is Whitney's bath day. No show this weekend but will be visiting with a dog friend on Sunday morning.

It looks as though the Regia self striping is going to be knit in a simple garter rib after all.

A couple of people have left that list I mentioned under UGLINESS, and they had to do so by announcing it to us all first and telling us how good they are and this is why they are leaving. I would not let a couple of evil minded cows make me leave anything and if they did, I'd not go out with a fanfare! Life is far too short and precarious to let such people have their wicked way. They thrive on meanness. Starve them of their rewards, don't feed them!

I have been really surprised and touched by the supportive emails I received. Some were even public. That is rare in my experience cos people don't want to get flamed. I am appreciative of this. I do hope though that the subject is now dropped.

Whilst I have been writing this, I have been drinking a low fat latte I made with my bean to cup machine. I ADORE coffee and this is particularly nice. An Italian style roast we got the last time were visiting Lui and Lia in Sandhausen, Germany. Fortunately, decaff ground coffee is just as nice. So often decaff is mild. Why? Just cos we don't want the caffeine doesn't mean we don't want the taste.

I just won, while writing this, a purply pink pair of suede Kickers on Ebay. I am surprrised at how competitiive I can be. I WILL have those you 'b*****d'!!!!


I had these waistcoats made from material I sourced on Ebay.
Jan at
made them for me. I have bought some of her own designs in the past. I usually have bow ties but thought I'd rather have ordinary ties this time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


These are knitted using Tofutsies. I used 1.75mm Hiya Hiya circulars. They are toe up using my Andersson Construction Method and Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). I used Jeny's Surprisingly Stretchy Cast (Bind) Off.
The garter pattern is only on the instep and front leg. The rear leg is 3 x3 ribbing.
I like the handle of this yarn. It does split fairly easily when knitting and I have only used this yarn twice but in both balls were knots. I am not likely to use it again merely because the colourways are few. At first glance it appears to be a 4ply yarn but each of the 4 strands is 2 strands twisted together so this is 8 strands making a light fingering weight yarn. Perhaps this is why it splits easily. It is made from Superwash Wool, Soy Silk, Cotton and Chitin, the latter being shrimp and crab shell). I purchased and used this second ball because I do like the handle very much. I knitted on a smaller needle becasue I thought the socks would benefit form a tighter gauge. They do. Tension/gauge 12spi and 15rpi.


Homophobia has reared it's foul head yet again on that same list it did before. The excuse this time is because I shared my opinion that some people give in order to receive.
The up herself shrink woman has deliberately misinterpreted it and fanned the flames whilst she sits back and lest others fire the arrows. Others have taken it as an opportunity to attack me for being gay whilst at the same time making up lies about me! To say I make constant references to it on that list is a lie and designed to gather the bullies around for a little flame throwing.

It would seem that my observation about giving to receive hit some where it hurt and they went on the attack.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I don't know what I felt exactly but I was concerned for dog friends of mine. I called twice over the weekend and received no reply. I wanted to speak to hem just to be sure all was well. I got an email yesterday to say that the husband had had a heart attack whilst driving on the motorway. The car crossed the central reservation and crashed. No one was hurt!!!! Not even my friend who was unconscious. He has since had 3 heart attacks and I am waiting for more news.

On Sunday John and I went into Peterborough. I picked up 3 shirts on sale and 3 hats. I wish we hadn't gone as John was not well but being his usual idiotic self as regards his health, he said nothing but it became obvious to me he wasn't well. He has at least started to take his antibiotics but still went to work Monday morning. I happened to see his doctor as I was leaving having seen mine. She told me to tell him she wants to see so I made an appointment and have told him when I will be taking him.

As for me, I have agreed to up my Crestor (statin) as my cholesterol is up again. My Doc thinks I have the hereditary kind as I do eat a frugal diet most of the time. I told her that if I cut back any more, I'd end up binging on the bad stuff. I know me. My LDL is 1.4 (51.8 in American) and 4 HDL (148) with Triglycerides 1 , so my total is either 5.4(199.8) or 6.4(236.8) depending on if the Triglycerides are counted or not.It isn't just a low fat diet but I had to cut out prawns, liver, kidneys., squid and eggs all of which I love to eat.

I do not have a show until the 4th October now and then I have one on the 8th and the 11th too!

All is quiet here now, no girls in season.

I am almost done with my Tofutsies on the 1.75mm needles. I have not thought of a name yet.

Monday, September 21, 2009


What do you think? I like it. Click on picture for larger view.

Friday, September 18, 2009


I wrote this on the 17th:I have a dog show tomorrow which for some reason I think may not be a good one for Whitney but I shall enjoy the day out anyway.

I was right. I enjoyed the day, despite the cold and ensuing pain, but Whitney did not do well, gaining only a 4th in Open Bitch. Not that it was Whitney's fault, she strutted her stuff as she always does. The judge didn't see her for what she is.

I did think I was going to die this morning. I was eating my chicken casserole and there was a bone left in it which got stuck in my throat. It hurt. I couldn't get it back up and I couldn't swallow it. Each time I tried, it hurt. I opened a can of Pepsi Max and gulped it down and this dislodged the bone. Now I have a very sore throat which hurts each time I swallow. I am hoping it is just bruised and that the bone hasn't caused damage or isn't going to cause more.

I get many lovely comments form people about my clothes and footwear and hats. I think they are very kind and it surprises me that they go out of their way to say such nice things to a complete stranger.
However, some people think I am deaf and blind! They say disparaging things about me and they assume I cannot hear them and cannot see them pointing at me! What nincompoops.

Three 'ladies', fit and able bodied, decided to park their van across the exit for the disabled car park, whilst they, with their able legs, went about their business in the showground for at least 30 minutes, collecting their Irish wolfhounds, poor things can't walk far. When they returned, not only did they see us waiting to be able to go home, they stood their for further minutes chatting and laughing and not a word of apology to us for blocking our exit!!!!! The self centredness of some people beggars belief.

If we ignore that, and the bone, it really was a nice day. I enjoyed the company of fellow exhibitors and just being there. I saw two males I thought were lovely(4 legged kind), one of which I might consider as a mate for Whitney when the time comes. The other was her half brother.

The best compliment I had all day was from an elderly man who said that 'I hope you don't mind me saying so, you look very smart, I wish I had the nerve to dress like you'. This ranks with the two teenage boys who said I looked 'cool' at Bournemouth.

Oh, I switched my trousers and boots. I wore a yellow boot and turquoise boot with cream trousers as I thought the turquoise boot and cream trousers went better with the hat. So the turquoise trousers and orange and yellow boots will have to be for another outfit.I have two weeks till the next show and I am sure I'll have figured a combo out by then!

Dressing up is so much fun, I am so surprised. Any one not yet 50 and thinking it is the end, I can assure you it is not. I feel younger and freer now than at any point in my life. I am very happy being here, crippled and all. It's fun. I am so lucky. I can please myself. I couldn't care less if I am fanciable or not. I don't give a toss what others say or think. I have become myself and for that I am profoundly grateful. I intend to enjoy being me for a long time yet.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


I can't believe I have so much fun dressing up!
(as with all pictures on my blog, clicking on the pics opens large view.)


I have been swimming three days in a row. I am getting to bed much earlier and have cut down the laps by half. Doing half still takes effort but doesn't leave me exhausted and in pain.

I am also following a different drug regime and am taking the least strong ones every 6 hours regardless. I then top up with the Tramadol. This seems to be working well. I have not had to take the morphine except for dog show days.

I have a dog show tomorrow which for some reason I think may not be good one for Whitney but I shall enjoy the day out anyway. I shall be in bed by 7pm tonight and up at 2am.

The darkness seems to arrived ratehr rapidly. It's dark by 8pm now and I was up at 5am this morning and it was over an hour before it became light. Winter is on it's way. In fact I have had the heating on this last two nights for a while.

I know the weather will not be warm tomorrow and I will not make the silly mistake I made last week and take my thermal tights with me. I shall put them on! You'd think wouldn't you that I would remember I couldn't get the tights on without help?

I am off to sort out an outfit for tomorrow. I may get a photograph later and blog it. I am planning on turquoise to go with my turquoise Trilby.

When I ordered my drugs early this morning online, I noticed there was a note to say I had an appointment with Elizabeth on Monday at 10am. No one had told me and I was worried about it as I had blood testes done a couple of weeks ago. I just called and Barbara said apart from what she had already told me about my cholesterol, everything else was okay. So I guess Elizabeth just wants to nag me about taking more statins which I am not keen on doing.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


This is how I knit. In this video I am knitting a sock on 1 long circular. However, I knit the same no matter what I am knitting.

I am not knitting as smoothly or as fast in this video -just because I was being watched closely! ;-)

I find this method of knitting fast and comfortable and efficient.


I hate to hear the term 'junky'. It dehumanises people with drug addiction problems. Most often these ill people have backgrounds such as mine. I understand all too well why people resort to any method to kill the pain.

It seems very few, if any, of us see the hypocrisy. Even alcoholics look down upon drug addicts! I know of people who work with addicts/offenders who see them as scum! And they expect a good result to come from their involvement with people they have dehumanised? Do they not have brains?

People who smoke and fat people also look down upon them too but really they are no different.

Ahh, I hear you yell, but junkies steal. Well so do smokers and fat people! They steal time and money. Only it isn't so in your face. They steal time and money through days off work. They steal time and money from the medical system. From you and from me.

I don't get it really. Tell people you have anorexia/bulimia and you are sympathised with 'how awful for you' yet it is an addiction and it steals time and money from others. It is a dreadful, painful addiction, just as drug addiction is. Yet one is treated with care and the other with shame.

Sitting and stuffing your face on ice-cream and doughnuts and hamburgers and chips does not just affect you. It affects those around you. It makes you emotionally unavailable. If you have children, you are not giving them what they need. Just like any other drug addict.

Smoking doesn't just affect those who smoke. It costs everyone.

As far as I am concerned, there is no hierarchy of addiction. There are no better than you addicts, no worse than you addicts. Addiction is addiction. It destroys lives. It steals time and money and life.

ALL addicts steal for their fix, whatever their fix is.

Still feel superior?

I don't believe in the power of evil. Just the power of love. I see all around me what the absence of love does.

I think it quite moronic to believe in an Omnipotent God and at the same time believe in the power of Evil or an Evil being.

Recently, two boys were described by the media as 'evil monsters' because they committed evil acts. It was obvious to me that these two boys would come from abused backgrounds. They did as it was later reported.

I think there is a distinction between evil behaviour and being evil. I don't believe in the latter. It is a lie. It suggests that the evil doer can never be any different. It is no shock to note that mostly religious people believe others to be evil despite the contradictions.

While we brand someone as evil, they were born that way, they are not human, we are letting ourselves off the hook. It couldn't possibly be our fault could it? We couldn't possibly, as a society, have any responsibility for what happens it in could we?

We ALLOW children to go unloved. We ALLOW children to be abused. We ALLOW children to go unfed. We ALLOW children to witness all kinds of pain and mayhem and deny it has any effect. In fact we deny that children have any memory. We say children are resilient, they forget. They are not and they don't but it makes us feel better to think so because we don't want to recognize our own role in the lives of others and we don't want to recognize our OWN pain.

We can then wash our hands of the results.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


















































Monday, September 14, 2009


I bought this yarn from Jan, THE WOOL HUNTER. It is Blue Faced Leicester and Nylon. It is beautifully soft and easy to knit with.
The zig zag pattern is my own.
I knitted them on 2mm Knit Pro (Picks) circular needles, simultaneously.
I used the Andersson Toe Up Method with Mach II Heel (revised).
The cast off is new to me. It was sent as a link to the sock lists by Diane (thank you kindly) and is called Jeny's Surprisingly Stretchy Bind Off. It is too! Not only stretchy but easy to execute. I doubt I shall return to the Elizabeth Zimmerman Sewn Cast Off now.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


This will be short as I am knackered.

It was cold, windy, and I was not good. I knew it might be cold so I took a pair of thermal support tights with me in case I needed them. I did need them, but I forgot I would not be able to get undressed and put them on without help so that was a no go. How could I forget my condition?

The day didn't start off well. I forgot to take Whitney and had to turn back. We then saw a sign saying the A1 was closed from S Neots onwards. Okay, so there will a diversion, right? Yes there was! 30 miles of it and back to where we came from!!!!! Why the f*** didn't they sign that BEFORE?

Arrived at the show later than usual. The parking attendant, or SS officer, was insistent we had to go to a car park which we thought was not right. It was too far away and couldn't be the disabled one. It was, he insisted. He said you just walk a short way and there was the show. RUBBISH!!!!! A short way to the able bodied is a long way to those of us who are not. Plus the disabled car park was precisely where we said to him it was. I blew my top at him and went back to my car and moved it. We were thus parked directly outside the main gate and just yards form the ringside. I cannot abide Jobsworths. Give them a reflective jacket and a badge and the power corrupts them.

I am glad I wore the red outfit with the red fedora. I was nervous about it but it went down well.

The idea of the loose red striped shirt was because I have been very bloated this last few days and I did not want a waistcoat to add to the pressure. As the day wore on, I began to be less bloated but my usual pain grew worse. I was surprised at the amount of people who could see I wasn't having a good day. I finally asked someone why they asked and they told me I was white in the face. Oh. John says he only has to look at my face to see how I am and I assumed it was because he knew me well. Seems not as people who I don't know well also see it. Others notice I am rough before I do!

It was a very good day. Whitney gained her 5th CC. She is not yet 22 months old. She enjoyed herself too. The same lovely male got BOB as he did last time Whitney was Best Bitch, he was best Male and Best Of Breed.

I have come to the conclusion that people who make comments one can hear do so so that one can hear! As I was doing the lap of honour with Whitney, someone, I have no idea who, said 'of course the judge is queer too.' Now clearly this idiot doesn't entertain the possibility that Whitney and Jerry (the male) are good Apso, so they won. Also, no matter how many gay/homosexual people use that word to define themselves, it is still used offensively and always will be. The definition of the word doesn't describe me or other homosexuals I know. We are really quite ordinary people. No amount of political posturing will make queer an acceptable adjective to me or many others like me. My friend Ian would never call himself Nigger Ian. If he did people would be rightly appalled. It's a pity that the pejorative term for gay people seems to have gained an acceptance with my fellows. I think it is sad and misguided. It does nothing to make the word okay and seems to only have convinced those who use the word against us that it is okay now to do so. An own goal, I think.

Oh and I discovered something else, Being brilliant, as I am, it takes a while for the penny to drop. I took a full whack of pills when I got in and do not feel as well as I thought I would. Well of course not! I have been up 20 hours, spent 10 in the cold and wind, and drove 250 miles. Duh! Painkillers won't alter that.

Another example of my high IQ: until last year I never ate Lemon Sole because I do not like citrus flavoured food.......yes I know now, but well, what else was I supposed to think? I can't believe I was 49 before I knew my error.

I did a fair bit of knitting at the show and have finished the Jagger socks. All I need to do is cast off and blog them.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009


Just when you think it is all over dammed dreams come back to haunt you. I dreamt of Sally, my Labrador.

When I was 16.5 yrs old, my parents decided to leave Australia, having promised that Australia would be home. I really did not want to move yet again. I could have stayed. I just had to have somewhere to stay and an adult to vouch for me. I was persuaded by my parents to come to England. The clincher was that Sally would be coming with us.

My two Lhasa Apso, Cotton and Changri, were sold to the first person who had the money. My father didn't care, he just wanted rid of the dogs. My love for dogs was considered unimportant and something I would grow out of. My father only ever saw them as money.

We arrived in England in May 75 and within a week I had a job working in a Quarantine kennel, where Sally was duly booked in to arrive in the August for her 6 month stay.

During my time there, which was not pleasant, my mother said to me more than once that 'anything can happen, I shouldn't get too excited'. But then my mother was always telling us not to get excited. If we laughed, we were told to stop because it would end in tears. Stupidly, I did not suspect I had been conned.

The day before Sally was due to arrive in England, I telephoned the Townsends who had been looking after her. I was told that my parents had had Sally given away as soon as we left. As I was too distraught to carry on the conversation, my boss took over the phone and was told my father had her destroyed when we left.

My parents denied all and to this day I do not know the whole truth but know that indeed my parents had betrayed me yet again. Stupidly, instead of staying away, I went home. I had no choice really. I was already sick with depression and anorexia /bulimia and OCD. How would I survive on my own?

Of course I had to concoct a fantasy that had me as the bad child and them as the good parents. If not, I would not have survived. Deep down I knew the truth.

My brothers were of no support at all and indeed were identified with my parents. I was taking all the flak for being gay and yet my elder brother was living with his boyfriend and not saying a word! He always was a totally self centred obnoxious person. I have no good memories of him at all. I have only one of my younger brother, also gay. He found me crying, huddled on the stairs and he put his arm around me and comforted me. That was the only time he did anything kind to me. He mostly told me I was evil and possessed by demons and told me God hated me. He was a fundy at the time. I had not idea he was gay.

Despite all I had experienced at the hands of my family and of paedophiles and bullies and teachers, I was still naive and didn't see the obvious. I have never felt malice and so I guess I failed to see it in others.

There have been many times I have cursed myself for having been so stupid, for not getting away when I could have, for always going back, for wanting their love and approval, for wanting them to be what they were not. Good loving people who cared for and loved their son and brother. I wanted a home, a place I could feel safe and be myself. My family was not it. I felt so humiliated when I finally stopped trying to be what they wanted. When it dawned on me that I was not the problem I thought I would die of the pain of it.

For so many years I wished to have no memory. I wished some illness or accident would wipe my memories. I envied people who suffered amnesia. I was ignorant though of what that would truly mean. It would not have stopped me suffering because the damage was not in my memories but what I was taught to believe about myself and the world. It was somewhat naive to think I could lose just the bad memories!

Now though, things are very different. I am free of them, as free as I ever will be I think. The fact I still have dreams and flashbacks is proof I am not totally free but today it is different because I do not yearn for it to have been different and whilst the flashbacks and dreams can be disturbing, I know today that there is nothing wrong with me, I am not evil, possessed or at fault. There is/was something lacking in them that made them treat me so badly. I was not defective . They chose to treat me the way they did because THEY were defective.

John is the reason I don't wish my past to be different. John and the life I have now. If not for my past, and the things that happened, like coming here to England, I would not have what I now have. In fact had I not left that small minded bigoted sheep station town in NSW I would probably be dead. If I had not been in the nut houses I would not have finally left home even though it was ultimately to be homeless. Had I not been, I would not have met John.

Had I not met John, I'd be dead, insane, still on streets or still in a locked ward. I would not be the person I am today. I am happy today. With myself and my lot in life. I am very very fortunate.

No John did not cure me. He loves me and he has always given me the space to be myself even when it pained him so to see me in Hell, knowing he could not drag me out of it. Yet had he not stuck with me whilst I found my way out of Hell, I wouldn't have. John became my home, my place of safety, the place I was accepted for who I was. THAT is what gave me the anchor I needed in order to haul my way up and out of Hell.

I never ever thought there would come a time that I would not wish to change my past. That time has indeed come. That is not to say I am glad for my past, or that it was ' meant to be'( I find that sort of thinking crass and offensive and illogical and stupid and ill thought though.) I am just aware that who I am and what I have now is because of my past.

I made the best of it. I fought hard to survive and I did. I can't explain it, but I don't think I did this on my own. I don't know why I survived and why others who had similar pasts have died or gone mad. Why some are trapped in 'psychiatric care' or in prison or in addiction or on the streets or have became abusers. I don't know why I did not. So my attitude is truly one of 'there but for the grace of God go I'. The meaning is there even if I don't think it was God, at least not in the accepted sense. but now I can see a whole new subject is beginning to take shape so I shall leave that, belief, for another time!


Thursday, September 10, 2009


Pride is necessary for life. Without it, we would die. Like with fear, and anger, too much of it or it being inappropriate is dangerous.

I have twice been to the supermarket on my own this week. Both times, I asked for help from staff and both times I asked that my shopping to be carried to the car for me. This is the first time I have done this. No, I didn't think ' I am too proud, I ought to ask for help.' I just did it without thinking. Obviously though, I had subconsciously thought it through and dealt with my pride before doing so this week. Otherwise I'd have done it a long time ago!

It was pride that stopped me starting to show the dogs before I did. I didn't want to use the sticks. I only did so when I realised that if I fell I could seriously injure or kill my dog or someone else's.

It was pride that stopped me using a wheelchair and pride that stopped me moving on to using a powered one when it became clear that I could no longer propel myself in a manual chair. It was also stubbornness and a feeling that I ought not be weak and give in. Just other words for pride.

The same goes for eschewing drugs for so long. Not just pride, but fear of them too. Pride mainly.Again, I saw it as a sign of weakness to give in.

And the insisting on swimming 7 days a week even when it was making me ill and causing me much grief. Pride.

Getting up and taking care of myself and my dogs requires pride. Keeping myself clean and presentable does too. Not letting people abuse me, walk over me, ignore me, etc takes pride.

Pride has it's place and the trick it seems is knowing when and where that is!


Ebay is becoming far too punitive to sellers.

As sellers we are not able to leave negative feedback to buyers. thus buyers can do as they please, safe in the knowledge they will not be penalised. I have had people take week sot pay, not pay at all and I can't leave negative feedback.

PLUS we are not allowed more than 4 low P&P scores. The people who leave these low scores do not seem to understand that it is the PO who levy the charges, not me! I charge exactly what I am charged plus .50p to cover packing, tape, printing costs, fuel to and from PO. Some of my buyers clearly think I make up the charges as I go along!

This is grossly unfair and I am just about to the point where I am going to find another way to sell my stash or just take it all to the dump. this is becoming more a chore than joy. Honestly, these people are getting really good quality yarn for a fraction of the real value and have the cheek to complain about p&p which they have not even bothered to think clearly about.

Yes, I am very well aware that not all of my customers are like this but unfortunately the few have made it very difficult for me. Ebay are going to penalise me for my customers lack of thought. When they do ALL my customers will lose out.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

I WENT....

.... for my swim this morning.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009




These are socks I have made for John. He chose the colour, much to my surprise. Much easier than black or grey. The tracker pattern is my own. I used my Andersson Toe Up Construction Method with the Mach II Heel (revised). I knit them both on Knit Pro circs, 2.25mm size. They are knitted over 80 sts
John's foot is an inch longer than mine, and it is my feet that are modelling them, thus the position of the heel is not right.
I am happy with these and intend knitting myself a pair in a bright colour.

Monday, September 07, 2009

I WON!!!!

I can't recall if I mentioned this or not but I have recently had to go to battle the govt once again over my disability allowances. They had written and agreed that my disease had got worse but they reduced it because they reckoned that my needs were now less!!!!

I kept my cool and I wrote to them and set out my case.

I have received a letter and am once again receiving the same allowances as before and FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No more having to do battle every 3 years. They seem to have finally understood what the terms 'progressive' in relation to disease, means.

This is a huge deal for me. I have a problem fighting for myself. My past, my childhood, taught that to make a fuss was to make things worse so now whenever I do make a fuss it is with much trepidation. However, my sense of injustice is also huge and thus so is my indignation. So I fight. And I won. Again.

Now I have to face up to going back to the pool.

I have finished John's socks. I have had plenty of time today as I have not been able to do anything else. Not even dress. One of those days. I haven't been outside and have stayed in my pyjamas. I also didn't care. Often, it seems, when I can't dress/undress it is on a day when I am not at all inclined to go anywhere anyway. Once again I have felt as if I am coming down with something, hoarse voice, stiff an painful neck, more so than usual. But no cold or anything so I think it's just the normal stuff my body does.

I am going to sleep now feeling chuffed with myself for taking the bull by the horns.


Yesterday was wash out as regards the showing, Whitney was unplaced. It enabled me to leave early. The male who was Best of Breed at both shows last weekend was also unplaced.

It was a good day, fun to be there. A little perturbing. People who have hitherto not been friendly were. One commented on my clothing positively and then later invited me to the food and drink party which people throw to celebrate the making up of a Champion. I said thank you but no because of my dietary needs. The response was please come, find something you can eat, I shall be offended if you don't! Then another came with an invite and said 'it won't be the same without you'. I went and I did find some veggies and cold meats I could eat.

I was standing talking with Marge and she made some comment or other about knickers and I undid my zip to show that I was wearing my support tights. Well, a woman yelled out 'what's he doing now?!' as if I always do something at the shows! Anyway, I said I was just showing Marge my hose and I couldn;t bend to show he from the bottoms of my legs. Well, this had people in fits. It was not until later in the car when I was telling my travelling companion, Angie, and she started to laugh that I realised how what I had said could have been interpreted. I can still be quite naive!

I also got a surplice in that I saw Ken (I have known him and Thelma 28 years) as he had come along to give his bitch to someone so she could visit the person's stud.

All in all, it was good day and I was home by 4pm so was able to have a nap. Oh, and just be chance my chair happened to be the same shade of green as my clothing and hat so people thought that was by design when it was just coincidence. It will clash with my cothing next Sunday at Richmond.

I am amazed at the amount of people who talk to me at the shows. People form other breeds. People who I don't know say hello. They come up and talk about my clothes or my knitting. It is really quite enjoyable. There are those too who must assume I am deaf because their ignorant and petulant comments are quite audible. On the whole though, I have positive days at shows and I let the wankers go their merry way.

Poor Luque is still mithering a lot because of the girls being in season. Whitney is passed being ripe and Bridget is just approaching being ripe. No sign yet that Carly is coming into season.

I have almost finished John's socks but doubt I can photograph them until he is home at the weekend. They are too big for me and they need to be seen on the foot in order for the ribbing pattern to show.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Birmingham City Dog Show


John has been here all week so we have done all sorts of things around the house and shops. Not much in the way of shopping. Less time spent at the PC.

Bridget and Whitney are both in season, with Whitney almost over her's and Bridget a week behind her.

The boys are not too distracted, with Luque the experienced one, being the main moaner! Poor thing. I've told him he isn't likely to get any nookie until next year. Mind you, I think he may have a visiting bitch in the next few weeks. James is distracted too but he isn't so much and he also seems like he doesn't really know why he is!

I have a dog show tomorrow.

It is cold here. Yesterday when we went out, I had to wear my tights for the first time. The wind is high thus making it colder. Mind you, indoors is about ready for the heating to be on. I guess any idea of a late summer has gone.

I have been doing better and the pain of Wednesday has diminished to more manageable levels. After pharmaceutical advice, I am taking the paracetamol regularly along with a half dose of Tramadol. Then I 'top up' with more Tramadol or morphine if the pain gets beyond a level. It seems that by taking the paracetamol at regular intervals, the pills have less work to do than if I lay off them until it becomes essential. The reason, I am told, Wednesday was so bad, and it took several hours and doses before the pain stopped, was because I waited too long and thus it was a while before there was enough in my system. Something along those lines anyway.

I have my clothes sorted for tomorrow. The waistcoat was made for me out of material I sourced on Ebay. I have some others being made up from material I sourced in the same way. I shall try and get photographed today to blog it.

I have not been to the pool since the police officer bully incident. I really feel let down by the staff there and the good feeling I have had about this pool has gone. I am so disappointed that they allowed the bully to win and didn't use the rules to protect me as they could have.

Carly has gone all weird. She has always been a very in your face dog, loves everyone and wants to meet everyone. I showed her once and she loved it, jumping up to lick the judge. Now she is frightened of everyone. I have no idea why. Nothing has happened to freak her out. It could be that she has PMT as she too is due in season. I have no idea. I have not experienced this with any of my dogs before, not ever. I am not happy at all with this turn of events and I can only hope that she reverts back to her normal self. If she doesn't, I will not breed her.

I am on the home stretch of both of John's socks and ought to have them finished in the next couple of days and I will blog them then.

We just watched The Duchess which was good and abotu the ancestors of Diana, Princess of Wales. We also saw Easy Virtue which was an amusing costume piece set between the wars in upper crust England. Slumdog Millionaire was excellent and not all what we were expecting. Well worth seeing. Mirrors we switched off after 26 minutes. John would have switched off earlier as it was unbelievable. Really, who would have stayed after the first incident? I switched off as soon as it showed burning people. No thanks.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


Today has turned out to be one of the worst days I have had for ages. Even with the morphine, the pain has not gone enough. I'm not taking more so this will have to go on it's own. At least it is not a dog show day. So far, I have been bad after I have shown Whitney, either at the show or on the way and certainly the day after, but luckily never bad before I have been in the ring. Maybe Scotland has caught up with me?

I am about to buy a new printer, copier, scanner. I have a LEXMARK and I hate it. It prints well and the photographs are excellent BUT the damn thing has a stupid paper input and it doesn't like to take the paper either. How to bugger up a good piece of equipment, give it a crap paper feeder. I can't deal with it any more so it's off to the tip.

I really am getting fed up with John trying to control the way I express myself. I am half Latin, I emote! This morning, Carly knocked over a pint of water which landed in my knitting bag, which also has drugs in it, camera bits, etc cos it's the bag I also take ot shows. Well, I was very upset and I showed it. I cursed and yelled but at no one in particular and he tells me to calm down! He is so ENGLISH!!! Don't show your emotions. Keep cool, stiff upper lip and all that shit. URGH!!!! So I lost it with him and told it plainly to stop trying to control me. I wasn't upset with him and I don't treat him badly, so he really has no need to try and prevent me emoting. Of course, by doing so, he more or less guarantees that I become upset with him.

John's socks are coming along well. Now that I am on the leg, I could do what I wanted with the pattern after all. Now we have a different pattern on the foot and it melts into the slightly differing one on the leg. Two for one!

My own multi coloured socks in Blue Faced Leicester and nylon are coming along nicely too. I have done a zigzag textured stitch on them.

I did some dyeing yesterday. One pair dyed cream. I took a turquoise pair, and added a Royal Blue but only allowed it wash in it for 10 minutes before washing and rinsing. I didn't want Royal Blue as I already have a pair. I had two turquoise because Dylon changed the name of their turquoise to Bahama Blue and silly me didn't see they were same colour and I didn't want two turquoise pairs.

I have quite a collection of different coloured trousers now. All white jeans dyed to what I want them to be. I want a pair of light purple so I think I shall use a lavender and intense violet together and see what I get.

Last night we watched two films and we enjoyed both, A Bunch of Amateurs and City of Ember. Tonight we will watch Mirrors and Slumdog Millionaire.