Friday, December 30, 2011

MG PUPS 30 12 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

the Crazy Watering Can

IT'S A SIN (isn't it?)

The world can often seem a very frightening place. We look around and we see the harm that people do each other.  There is nowhere on this earth where people are not set against other people.  It can often seem completely overwhelming and out of our control.

Is there anything that we can do about it?

Yes, I believe that there is.Unfortunately, it requires an opening of the mind of each individual.  Therein lies the problem.

I have often said, because I firmly believe it, that if we get the rearing of our children right we will see most of the ills of this world disappear.

Few children are brought up with unconditional love and few are taught how to think.  Rather they are taught that they have to be good enough to be loved and have to believe what they are told to believe in order to be accepted.

This sets the child up to be a guilt ridden adult who is unable to think critically and even if they have doubts about the beliefs they have been given guilt and shame will prevent them from thinking for themselves.

One of the most insipid destroyers of critical thinking is religious teaching. The premise that we are but sinful creatures who have to spend our lives atoning for this fact in the hope that we may please a vengeful and fearful God, set people up or failure and shame.  Shame-based people will commit all sorts of foul deeds and cause much misery to themselves and to others.  They will also be blind and I’m thinking and will see nothing wrong in passing on their belief system to their children.  In fact the most affected will feel very strongly that they must “save”  their children by making them think and believe the way they have been taught.

It can be difficult to reconcile today’s modern world with everything that we know about people and about science and about history, and primitive religious beliefs and ritual.

Women who wear wigs so as not to show their real hair, people who do not eat certain foods, people who will not work on a given day, people who believe that saying a few prayers will absolve them of all their mistakes and free them from their affects, people who believe that an unbaptised child will never enter the kingdom of heaven, people who believe that dressing a certain way makes them good and people who believe that other people, just by their nature, are deserved of death, people who believe that to worm, de-flea, de-tick a dog is wrong, who believe that not eating meat is the way to heaven.  Yes, these are the ridiculous and damaging beliefs that people hold.Just a few of the beliefs of course. the reason for most people believing such unjust and ridiculous ideas is because they were indoctrinated as children.  The powers that be in religion know that in order to retain their power they must control the minds of the people and the best way to do this is by teaching children from the earliest opportunity.This way is the most certain route to having unthinking and obedient adults.

It is very much harder to actually try and be a good person, to act unselfishly, to question one’s own motives, to give freely, to love unencumbered by judgement, to listen, to feel compassion, and help another to realise themselves, then it is to follow ritual and the words of a book by rote.

The only hope that we have is to stop abusing our children, to stop being afraid of them, to stop believing that children are born wicked and wild and must be brought under control by their upbringing.instead we must recognise that what we put into children is what comes out when they are adult.  Despite religious teaching to the contrary, bringing a child up with unconditional love and encouraging the child to be the best that they can be rather than what we want them to be, will result in adults who value themselves and value other people and are therefore much less likely to harm others.  Such people will not be ready to go to war for any old reason, they will not be ready to condemn other people based on their sex, sexuality, or race and most importantly they will not be susceptible to the control freaks and power mongers of religion.  This being so they are hardly likely to succumb to religious brainwashing and therefore cannot pass this virulent wickedness onto their own children.

All one has to do is listen to or read people who have succumbed to religious teaching.  It is very obvious that their critical mind has been successfully turned off.  They cannot see the evil and irrationality inherent in what they are proposing is the Truth.  Strangely, their critical thinking ability does not fail them when demolishing a different religious ideology to their own! They can see the flaws and wickedness inherent in other people’s religious beliefs, but not in their own.

There is a well-known British journalist who is Jewish and a supporter of the state of Israel, who writes about other religions and other ideologies and homosexual people in precisely the same manner that Hitler and the Nazis wrote and spoke about Jews which resulted in the Holocaust.  To me this woman and her views are abhorrent yet she is paid to expound upon her views on the BBC and is often on a panel questioning people about ethics!  This is the sort of thing that happens when people have been taught to believe in a particular way and when people are afraid to criticise another person just because they belong to a particular group and one is afraid that one’s criticism will be construed as racism or anti-Semitism. (Do a Google search for Melanie Phillips and read some of her articles.)

The hardest work of anybody’s life is self examination and being who we are. We will be opposed every step of the way.  There will always be other people trying to prevent you realising yourself, trying to control your thoughts and your actions.  The most common way for people to do this is through religion and through the admonishment that ‘It’s a Sin’. This control mechanism is very old and very successful.  Yet, there would be far less in in this world if we did not try and control others for our own ends.

It is our personal responsibility to deal with our own fears, our own anger, our own thought processes, our own flaws, our own lives.  We are not responsible for what other people, adults do and think, but we are responsible for how we react to them.  If we give out condemnation, violence, and rejection to those we disagree with WE are at fault.

I believe that all human beings are worthy of love, respect, and care.  This I believe regardless of how the human being behaves or thinks.  Of course as a human being I find it impossible to feel and act on this 100% of the time.  It is unrealistic for me to expect that of myself or of anybody else.  However, it is not unrealistic to expect that I do not deliberately harm another and that I do manage.

We treat other people the way that we are inside not because of the way they are outside.  It is always down to us as individuals.  Blaming the other is a negation of our personal responsibility.

We must of course not by our behaviour and actions condone unacceptable behaviour.  Unacceptable behaviour should always be met with intolerance.  This does not mean that it is valid to treat people who behaved unacceptably in a hateful and hurtful manner.

If I could take a magic wand and by waving it alter my world, I would wish that every person on the planet would truly love and accept themselves.


Funny Nativity

Monday, December 26, 2011


 This is a pair I am doing named Tipsy. I dyed the yarn using my sw merino/nylon yarn. The colours were chosen by a client for whom I painted yarn in a different shade to these but same colours. I call them Tipsy because the pattern meanders in and out.

I have been reading (why oh why?) what was termed as outpourings of grief and sadness at the death of Christopher Hitchens by various prominent Xian clergy. I am so angry I can't write or even think clearly so I will have to leave it but for now my blood boils at the evil dressed as piety that I read. There was no such grief or sadness in any of what I read but only the cruel hubris of these wickedly minded people. How can they believe such evil and believe it love?  Me, a nobody, can see this. WTF can't they? Oh, I have spent most of my life believing I must be wrong. Not any more. I have learned my gut lurches and takes to twisting and nausea like it has been kicked bang in the centre because it is confronted by evil and not because I cannot think or I misunderstand. I understand all too well and it sickens me greatly.

Saturday, December 24, 2011


I hope that each of you wring as much Joy as is available out of each of your future days. Celebrate your magnificent selves and your possibilities. Cling not to your ideas but open your self to embrace change and the freedom that comes with it.


Friday, December 23, 2011


Did you know?

Whilst we are standing still, leg muscles and brain communicate to keep one balanced. Little muscle contractions take place without our knowledge. Now I know why I fall so easily. My GP explained it to me Wednesday. The communication between my brain and muscles is not good and part of my disease process. I like to know these things. 

I always ask WHY? It used to really piss off the nuns, teachers, parents, most adults. WHY? I am now 53 and still asking WHY? I hope I never stop.

One reason people hate people who ask WHY? is that it makes them very uncomfortable because 1. they have to think 2. it might show flaws in their thinking and 3.will show up the motive behind the thinking.

I have always been inquisitive. I was punished for it severely as a child, made to feel wicked and ashamed for it. I did not understand why. So of course I asked why!

I did not know that why? is a challenge that makes people very uncomfortable. Why? leads to the truth if you ask it often enough. We stop asking why? when the answers start to make US uncomfortable. It is at this point that give in, conform, and lose ourselves. Life becomes stagnant. But at least we feel safe. Or so we tell ourselves.

We abhor uncertainty. It is very frightening to us. We develop ideas that make us feel safe. We shut off why?and our thinking becomes black and white. Religion is a good example of this. The more the rigidity of belief, the frightened and the more powerless the fundamentalist feels and the more threatened by why? they become. This is not confined to traditional religion but also to New Age thinking and even scientific thinking. Just because one is a scientist does not make one immune to fear and the need for certainty can be just as strong as it is in religious fundamentalists.

WHY? led me to the excellent, happy life I now have. My mental, emotional, spiritual agony has been replaced by an acceptance of myself and the realisation that all that happened to me as a child happened because of who my abusers were and not because of who I am. This was my epiphany. This broke the chains that bound me. This gave me my life and freedom, as far as any one can be free. The agony I lived with for most of my life is indescribable but enough to say that I would not trade my pain wracked body for it! Meaning that although I am now in 24/7 pain, take 40 pills a day, am a wheelchair user, and cannot function well, I accept it because it is so much less painful than my previous mental/emotional/spiritual state.

I still ask why? Not just of others but of myself. It is important to ask why? of ourselves. It helps to us to get to know ourselves. If we do not know ourselves then we cannot know why we do what we do, feel what we feel. 

A simple example: there was a man I'd meet at the dog shows that I had a stronger aversion to, so much so, it bothered me greatly. At first it didn't, i just didn't like him. It was when this not liking grew into a strong dislike, that i started to question myself as to why because I could not give a reason. He had done nothing to deserve my reaction and it was not enough to say my 'intuition' told me he was a bad person. One day, the answer came. I saw him walking toward me and in an instant I saw not him, but the man who had caused me so much grief growing up. From that moment my antipathy toward this man melted away.

We don't always believe what we believe for the reasons we think we believe. no. We tend to believe what makes us feel comfortable.

I have one belief that makes me uncomfortable. It is one I cannot deny to myself. Experience and evidence is too strong to dismiss. I believe our consciousness survives physical death. I would rather this was not so but I  cannot deny it. It presents me with all sorts of difficulties, not he least of which is that I have very good reason to believe that religion is incorrect and that scientific knowledge is mistaken. I don't have the answers of course. I can believe something is wrong without having a better explanation. I jst know that our consciousness survives intact, the death of our bodies and WE continue to exist. Why? 

I do not know but I continue to ask why? I am at least in good company because no one knows why despite many protestations to the contrary! Scientist know that death is the end, and Fundies not only know, they know why and know the mind of God to boot! (Mind you, different Fundies KNOW differently! Would be very amusing if it did not cause such agony tot he human race.)

Thursday, December 22, 2011


My point in the post Shame Upon You was NOT which method of slaughter is more cruel. My point is that religious ideology ought NOT be enshrined in law. Secular slaughter is different and the religious method is illegal. It it not be legal for anyone, regardless of belief. 

Again, we each have the right to believe as we wish. None of us have the right to have our beliefs respected and none of us have the right to force our religious beliefs upon others.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011



I am constantly astonished at the seeming lack of shame and lack of education that people display.

There is a woman named Anne Rice who is a famous  author.  She has her own page on Facebook.  On this page she stands up against bigotry and prejudice in all its forms.Yet many of those who post there do so to lambast her for targeting, so they say, specific groups of people!

Like today she published a link to a story regarding a commotion on a bus in Israel because religious men wanted the woman sitting in the front seat on the bus to go to the back of the bus. Yes, I kid you not. 

Not only was I appalled at the amount of people that criticise this woman instead of the men, but also those who accuse Anne of being anti-Semite just because she published this link!

It is the same when she publishes stories regarding the horrendous abuse of children by the Roman Catholic church and other groups.  More people seem to write in denigrating her for her so-called attacks on religion rather than showing any care at all for the abused children.

People constantly try to shut her up.  They lie about her. They write the  most vile tripe against her. The worst of these are the religious fundamentalists. No surprises there then.

Her page shows very clearly how it works. How evil does what it can to turn off the light. It is clear that Ms Rice cares very deeply for people, that she discriminates not against people but against behaviours and ideas. People, some deliberately, some because they are too stupid, do not see the difference between ideas and people.

We each have the right to have our beliefs, to believe anything we want. What we do not have the right to respect for it. By that I mean respect for our beliefs. NO WAY!  It is wrong to expect other people to behave in accordance with your religious belief. Completely wrong. It is not right to demand that other people observe or even respect your religious beliefs. 

Marriage is a social contract that protects the individuals involved. It has nothing to do with religion. I don't care what your religious beliefs are, you do NOT have the right to have your version of marriage  hold sway. This is why in many countries marriage can be between those of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex. So it should be. It is NOT your business. A person's religious beliefs should never encroach on equality for all and a person's liberty.

It is NOT an affront to your liberty or freedom when you are denied the power to impose your religious beliefs upon others. It is a stand for human rights when you are prevented from doing so. It would be an affront to you if you were prevented from having your places of congregation to share in an idea. It would be wrong to discriminate against you in the field of work, or anywhere, but that does NOT mean that your observances must be met. No way. Once again, you cannot demand respect for your ideas. None. So if it is against your belief to work at a particular hour or place, then do not get a job that requires it. 

In this country is is illegal to slaughter animals inhumanely unless you are Jewish or Islamic! This makes a complete mockery of the anti cruelty laws! If humanely slaughtered animals mean it would offend your religious ideas to eat the meat, then DON'T! But do not demand the law be broken for your ideas! It is already broken here in the UK, shame on those who allowed it.

Far far too much is being giving to religionists. We are giving away our liberty, our freedom. We see what happens when religion takes precedence-Israel, Palestine, Afghanistan, Iran. Yet look at what is 
happening in the USA. A slow but sure turn to that type of government. People with the extreme religious views are gaining power. People are falling for it. They are, and this is really the most shameful and unbelievable thing, VOTING for it! Oh right now they just think that it will be us homosexuals who will be got rid of-make no mistake-Perry, Bachmann et al want us dead-but it will soon be YOU they do not like because you don't observe well enough, or the right way, or your skin is not quite the right shade, or your eyes are the wrong colour, or your accent is not right or because God only loves them not YOU.

And you know what? You will have asked for it. You will have deserved it. Yes, when your liberty has gone, when you can no longer think as you please, when you are controlled by a religious government, told what to think, to say, to eat, to wear, you will have no one to blame but yourselves.

Which side are you going to be on? Yours? Or the enemy's? Because if you are against me and my kind, or people of different ethnic or religious backgrounds, or different tongues, different skin, think that women should be told what to do with their bodies, think women should be subservient to men as a matter of course, think children are property, then you are on the side that is against YOU! If you think your religious ideas ought to be law, then you are against yourself. It really is that simple. You cannot hate just 'them'. By so doing, you hate ALL and you will pay the price. No doubt about that.

None at all.

Thursday, December 15, 2011



I have always rejected the notion that people can BE evil. Think evil, behave evilly, but not BE.

Having seen many of the posts on your page (a famous author who posts stories about the appalling abuse of children and women by Religion)over a long period of time from religionists spouting hatred toward homosexuals, women, children coming here not to share their horror at the abuse by RC priests and Protestant pastors/vicars etc, but to defend them.

Recently, on another site, there was an article about a young gay man living on the brink of suicide in a place where h e is not excepted. The religionists were out in force telling him he was seriously bad, God would forgive him if only he'd repent. That God could and would make him him heterosexual.

I reluctantly came to the conclusion that these people are evil personified. What they believe, their faith, their actions, all of it-evil. I thought that with patience, tolerance, explanation, behaving well toward them etc might make a difference. How stupid was I!

These people are not stupid-they are just evil with closed minds and nothing can affect change on a closed mind, not even God.

It does warm me though that one Southern Baptist woman has seen the light and has left her church because of it's hatred of homosexuals. She means it too because she said to me that her realisation that homosexuality was NOT a feeling or an action but a state of being. I realised that not only did she mean it but she UNDERSTOOD! However, she is a rare entity and her change had nothing to do with me. I will no longer be putting myself out there in my ludicrous attempt to illuminate savages into compassion or understanding. I get it now. Really, do NOT cast pearls before swine because it's YOU who will slip on them and end up broken.

(BTW I have used the term Relgionist because I am not referring to just one dogma/creed. I include Islam, Judaism , Xianity, and any belief which condemns people not behaviour.)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I am feeling good. Let me say that physically things are doing better, really MUCH better. No idea how long this remisson will last but I am making the most of it. My drugs have been upped and that certainly helps but even with drugs, I am not normally as mobile as I am right now and have been for a few days. Emotionally I am much better too. Excercise certainly helps.

That wounded child in me does kick off at times and all i can do is ride it out. he doesn't kick off so much now nor as badly.

Our favourite restaurant called to let me know that they have a cancellation for Friday night, my birthday!!! So we will be eating at the Plate and Porter.

We have the plans for the extension/conservatory, and a quote. The builder comes on Saturday to give us his quote for his part of the job.

Plus we have got the deeds to our house back, free of any clauses now. The IRS stop on it has been removed as if it were never there. WE also have had more money back from them!

I did not write the following but I agree 100% and it is what i have tried to explain many times but nowhere near as well as this:

I would like to share what I have found to be at the core of such destructive attitudes and behaviors and it is nothing more than FEAR. Fear stands for: False Evidence Appearing Real. Here is clarity and truth. At the heart of this issue is a fear that every human shares.... That somehow we are not good enough the way we are. That we are separated from "God" in whatever form you imagine him in, because there is something very wrong with us.

This is the most destructive illusion that could possibly be conceived. Why? Because we can only give what we have to give. If I believe I am not good enough, that there is something wrong with me, and I need to be "saved", then that is exactly what I am going to project or give to others. NOTHING is more toxic, more destructive, or more contagious, than fear. It is the ultimate game of Dominoes, but with devastating consequences, as we have read about here. (continued in another post)
All of this is an illusion. I know it is an illusion, because fear has to create illusions in order to live, and fear is ALWAYS destructive. The belief that we need to be saved, and thereby need to save others who are not "good enough", has spawned the most horrific atrocities ever committed by man against man. Think about it. There are limitless examples.

So here's the real world solution. It has been said, "Know the truth and the truth will set you free." It literally is that simple. See that belief for what it is, an illusion of fear. It is not real, it is not true. We can no more be separated from our God-like nature than we could be separated from our heart and still live. If someone else makes you feel like you are bad, or not good enough, it is only because they believe that about themselves and are projecting it onto you. You KNOW this because that is what they are giving to you, and you can only give what you have to give. They are saying out loud for everyone to hear, that they don't believe they are good enough.

the above is precisely why i object to religion so strongly, most especially the one I have had shoved down my throat most of my life, Xianity. I don;t believe because my conscience will not allow me to think of people in this way-deserving of destruction except possibly thru the Grace of god should we believe the Jesus story. Madness. Cruel. Just as the above describes.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


I feel truly terrible this morning. on another forum that I have been involved in recently 3 different people's have been posting deliberate lies about me. The last person who did this wrote a supposed to letter from me that I had sent privately which makes it clear that I'm a fundamentalist Christian and I am being evil toward him who isn't a Xian.
Well you know that the last thing I am is a fundamentalist let alone a Christian. However the other 2 and their writings are not so easily see through. There is also no way I could contact anyone on that forum privately because our e-mail addresses are not published anywhere.

Yes I know I ought to just let it go and ignore these sick and twisted people but it has really pressed my buttons. If you have been reading my blog you know just how much I have suffered because of the lies of other people. you will know that I lost nearly 2 years of my life to psychiatric institutions because of the lies of other people. this morning I am so close to tears, I am shaking, and I just feel terribly bad.I know that this is what the writers intended and I hate the fact that I have given it to them, tho I am not writing this on that forum and it is not likely that they know about my blog.

I get so angry at myself for being so fucking sensitive. I feel ashamed of it. I'm a grown man and I can still be made to feel like a frightened little boy. Those of you who don't understand what flashbacks are won't understand the space I am in right now but the few who do will understand.

I am going to go through a swim and see if I can swim through this.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Saturday, December 10, 2011


Friday, December 09, 2011


Wednesday, December 07, 2011


Bear with me that there is a point to the following: I am 53 years old and I live with chronic pain which severely limits my life. Despite 40 pills a day, including opiates, I am never pain-free. I am never physically comfortable. I cannot go to the Pictures. I cannot watch a DVD all the way through. I often have to sleep in my chair. Getting dressed is a major operation that takes much time. I have neurological problems stemming from brain damage caused to me by the violence of my abusive childhood. I also have spinal stenosis. I also have heart disease. But I am free.. I love my life I love myself. I have had a husband for the last 30.5 years and I have my dogs. I have very many positive things in my life. My life is far far far better than I ever dreamt possible. The mere fact that I am almost 53 years old is just amazing.

I grew up with parents that hated me. I was born gay. It was obvious that I was gay by the time I was a toddler. I suffered greatly at the hands of my parents. As a result of this, I was conditioned so that I was very easily bullied and taken advantage of. I became a victim at school, my nickname was shit, and I was regularly molested and raped by adults one of whom was a child pornographer and film and photographs of me could very well be on the Internet now.

I was taught by religious people that I was evil and sinful who also taught me and that God hated me and that I would never go to heaven. I lived in absolute terror. There was no safe haven for me. There were no cuddles. There was no one I could go to to be held and made to feel safe.
I hated myself. I hated that I could not change. I cut myself. I would starve myself. I became obsessed with cleanliness and I washed and washed and washed and watched trying to clean the filth off me.I had prayer meetings held in order to exercise the daemons out of me. I had a group of Christians stood outside my home calling for the devil to show itself and warning people to not go near me because I was able and to keep their children especially away from me.

I then had the good fortune to have a man come into my life who was an expert at deprogramming those of us who had been so damaged by religion. He saved my life.

The above is just a snippet of the hell that I lived with for many many years.

What I am letting you know is this: what I have to live with today is a doddle, is really easy compared to what I used to have to live with and I would never ever ever go back to that hell.

Today I love myself. I finally accept that the man that I have lived with for the last 30 1/2 years not only loves me but that I deserve his love. Today I know that the misguided and evil ones are those whose spit upon me and who tell me that being myself is wicked. That I and my brothers and sisters who are like me are the rot that is invading society. They do not see that in fact it is they who are destroying society.

Psychic, spiritual, emotional pain is far far more damaging and painful than the 24 7 pain I now live with. If you got this far thank you and I hope you have understood.

Jonah Mowry: 'Whats Goin on..'

The sound wasn't on this when I first saw this, mute it as it spoils the effect. This boy is me at the same age. I still have the scars from cutting. I wasn't as good looking tho. I also didn't have the parents he has. I had no one. Look how far I have come! This was a very painful video to watch butI di for Jonah as he, and others, need their pain witnessed.

Saturday, December 03, 2011


I found this email address when looking in Google for possible information re sexual abuse of children in Albury.

I used to live in Albury. (My parents owned the sandwich bar opposite the Border Morning Mail in Kiewa Street.)

I was sexually abused, which was filmed and photographed, in 1971/2. I did contact Police in Albury in 94 but it came to nothing, the police who interviewed me here were not interested because I was not a reliable witness having had a nervous breakdown as a result of my abuse.

What concerns me the most is this: this man could still be corrupting children and destroying their lives and two, those films/photographs could be now on the 'net.

Trouble is although I clearly recall him and know where I was abused, multiple times, the Hume Reservoir being one, the Murray the other(I think or the Murrambidgee?) I have no idea of his name. He took groups of children on expeditions arranged during school holidays. Were they YMCA or school arranged? I can't recall. They were low cost. We went canoeing and stuff.

Due to the nature of the abuse, the photographs and film, and his position with the schools, I thought that maybe had he been caught it would be obvious whom I was talking about.

It would greatly ease my mind if I knew this man was not hurting any others.

I will say that at the time NO ONE supported me or even believed me. I was further victimised at school and could not wait to leave after the school certificate in 1974. I have never returned to education due to my experience.

I am now almost 53, have never worked, am disabled but very happy and have come to terms with my past. I would never want to turn the clock back. I want no contact with anyone from Albury High nor with this man. BTW he had a son which has always played on my mind because the sone knew and now I can only think that he too was abused. He showed me porn in front of his son.

If you have any idea of what I am talking about and you possibly know if this man has eiither died or was stopped, I'd like to know. I want nothing else. I hold no malice or hatred. It has just bothered me for a long time that he may still be destroying lives or at least making it very difficult. I recovered and have a good life. I unfortunately I know how lucky I am. I know others who did not make it.

If I have misunderstood what I have read on this page:

then please let me know.

I now live in the UK. I have no plans to ever come back. I have considered it but do not think that ripping open such wounds would be helpful. There is no one there I want to see and many I would actively avoid. I might like the opportunity to confront teachers who let abuse happen, in front their faces, but to what end? I was deliberately abused in science class-hot metal from a bunson placed upon my wrist. The teacher said I was too sensitive.

I would love to know there is a real anti-bullying iniative at Albury High, especially anti homophobia education. I was lucky to leave Albury in one piece. If Neighbours is anything to by, Oz has changed somewhat since I left in 1975. One can only hope this is so.

Strangely I do miss Albury and the surrounding beautiful scenery.

< sincerely
Colin A (surname changed by deed poll and I see no reason to give the name I used to go by unless information comes back to me makes it worthwhile.)

Friday, December 02, 2011


Good news! Our problem with IRS has been resolved. You may not know but we almost lost our house. The IRS filed for bankruptcy against us. Not only is all that over, we were refunded ALL the money they owed US! It has been removed from the record too so hopefully our credit rating will reflect it soon. 

This has been a two year nightmare which I am proud to say that I sorted out. Don't ask me how cos I didn't know I could fight like this but I did and I won. (Like I did when i took the gov on about my disability and won-life time award.) 

Anyway, I got just the right female accountant to sort it, I provided all that was needed, and kept J out if it as much as possible. It was his mess but he can't deal with money. I can and so I did. I was very scared I can tell you. Right up to actually appearing in court we didn't know what they were going to do. The court dismissed the case! Now I can stop worrying. Plus this accountant has taken over J's tax so I know it gets done and neither of us have to worry. I was lucky that she agreed to work with ME not John.

Thursday, December 01, 2011


Monday, November 28, 2011


I realised something today about myself that I do not like. It is about how I think about my brothers. I don't think about my father. I don't care what he thinks, he has no hold over me.

I found out that I do care what my brothers think and I am ashamed of that. I am shocked that I do care. I don't like either of them, certainly have no love for them. My elder brother I think little of, never have liked him. He is self-centred in the extreme, compassionless, nasty, spiteful and cold. His capacity for denial is greater than that of either parent. I do get he had the same parents and his denial and hatred of me is his way of not ever having to face the truth. The exact same applies to my younger brother except that he has on two occasions shown me compassion. The last time, in 1994, he also contacted me and he was very very distressed. He wanted my forgiveness for not having spoken up when I was put away in a nut house, for not telling the truth of what he saw happen to me and to us. Then he went and ruined it. He went and confronted my father on my behalf with an event that not even I thought had happened. Of course good old ME got the blame for that! My brother made it up, told my family, and I got the blame! But of course, as I am Devil's Spawn, they just lapped it up as more evidence I was evil and they could carry on hating me and keeping me as their scapegoat. 

I got over what he did. I might not have, had he not written two letters to me. I kept those letters because I knew I would need them. I was right. I don't mean I need them to show anyone. No. Just for my own benefit so I have proof for myself the whole debacle happened and that for a brief time, he was there with me in the truth.  It didn't last and he went back into denial and soon the 'you're evil' phone calls and years later, e-mails resulted with the same 'you are evil theme'.( My John has of course read the letters and he has met both brothers and is not as kind about them as I am.)

Troublingly, he now travels the world conning people out of huge sums of money for his 'therapy' and 'channelling'. I would like to think he is also conning himself rather than deliberately conning those poor people that he can help them. 

When he was young he got very very involved in a Xtian cult which is where me being demon possessed came from because I was the easy target. I was out gay even then, completely unaware that BOTH my brothers were also gay. They let me take all the shit and rejection whilst they sucked up to our abusive parents and colluded with them against me. Me being gay was the perfect thing for everyone to hang all the family troubles on. I was the cause of it all. It was thus a very short step before they had Biblical backing for me being evil and of the Devil.

So I discovered today that I would hate for them to know I am basically crippled by physical pain and my life is therefore limited by it physically. It would just be proof positive to them of my inherent evil just as my mental health issues-the OCD, anorexia, PTSD etc - were.

However, I have worked very very hard and overcome all the mental health issues, the self worth issues, the fear stuff and the religious clap trap stuff. I would NOT change a thing about my life. I happy within myself generally.

I think it may be just my pride that would not like them see me as I am. My success is not obvious.

My biggest success is that I am happy, I am not like them, I am the ONLY one in my family to have a good and successful relationship. Neither of my brothers have and whilst my parents had a long marriage until my mum died, it can hardly be called successful. My dad was remarried within a year!

It may seem petty to think as I do about this. It just came to me, I am not sure what triggered it. It twisted my gut as the thought of either of them seeing me in my wheelchair or hobbling along with my sticks or in a pained state. I know they would relish it. They will blame me. 

It pisses me off royally that I even think of them! But it's the truth. I don't very often and I can't recall what triggered it-something I heard this morning did.

I guess some things run deep and do find a way of rearing their ugly heads from time to time. Like I have said many times, abuse survivors never completely get rid of the shit BUT we can and do live very very well if we face it and deal with it.

I have done that and I have an excellent life, one I never thought possible. I am incredibly grateful for it, for it is one beyond my imagining. I certainly never dreamt of a life like this. I only ever wanted to be numb. To me that was most I could hope for. I am so glad I discovered I could have so much more. Feeling good is not longer feeling nothing.

It's being alive in every sense.


Saturday, November 26, 2011


Busy day. Both had haircuts, then lunch at Panini's, then shopping at Peterborough Garden Park. I bought the dogs bedding! I have wanted to stop using newspaper for a long while because my lot eat it and scatter it all over the house. However, the vet-bed I previously used would get filthy very quickly, wouldn't wash clean and filled the washing machine with hair. Then today I saw this bedding that is waste, wet, dirt etc proof. From the blurb it was clearly put together by dog people. Just the right 19" x 24" size too. The one drawback was the £26 price tag but I could see and feel how well made they were so I bought 6 of them. 

Well, I am having a really good day physically so when I got in I got rid of the newspaper and gave them their new beds. They were fascinated watching me do it and when I put the new bedding in, each got into their own bed and rubbed around on it. Bought some local farm produce too. 

The one hiccup, which riled me enough to have to count to 10, was a silly woman who called her boss over to tell him to go and ask that 'weird' man to move as he was giving her the creeps!!!!! John was waiting outside the glass wall for me to pay for my shower gell. I said loudly, 'He's waiting for me!' and instead of an apology I just got laughed at by the boss and another woman. NONE of the three looked at or addressed me and the young twat just kept going on about the weirdo staring at her! Of course, he was looking at me but by that time he WAS wondering what was going on. My face is easily read. 

Anyway, apart from that it has been a good day if COLD! And it's not even anywhere near as cold as it will get. Oh, I bought mountaineer gloves to keep my hands warm and still usable. I almost bought a high tech undergarment, long sleeved vest, which would go a long way to helping me stay warm without bulk. Anyway, I need a medium, to hug my body, and like many IDIOTIC designers, the medium was a good 2-3" shorter so was no good for me. Stupid stupid stupid! Smaller chest does not equal less height just as larger chests do not mean Gibbon arms!

Plus, I went into Hobby Craft and I must say that their selection of knitting and crochet books was wonderful. I spent quite a while browsing and convincing myself not buy any. I won. I love to look and read but I never knit anything from them.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


I had been wondering what to call this post and I found myself  muttering 'oh God'  and I guess that is rather appropriate considering what I want to talk about.

Most often I can let this sort of thing go but today I saw a rather twee little postcard on Facebook which was basically saying that each of us needs to be thankful to God for everything that we have.  This sort of twaddle really annoys me. 

What exactly is a child sex slave supposed to be grateful for? What exactly is a person who is being tortured on a daily basis supposed to be grateful for? What were the victims of the Holocaust supposed to be grateful for? What are the starving and brutalised children of Africa supposed to be grateful for?

I am well aware that gratitude for what one has is a big part of being happy. In my recovery it plays a big part. However that is far from saying that as a child I ought to have been grateful! There was no God who intervened and saved me! Would you tell a parent who had just watched their child die in agony from some dreadful disease that they need to be grateful?

The people who say this nonsense do so for their own benefit and they seem to have no idea, and often seem not to care at all, how offensive their words are. Of course if one expresses one's opinion to them it is just confirmation to them that one is angry with God or that there is something wrong with one!  No matter what way one chooses to deal with it it just gives ammunition to the other. And guess what that feels like? Guess what abusers do? Yes you've got it.

I always have and I always will support any persons right to believe any damn thing that they want to believe. If it makes them live a better life, and by that I mean a happier life and a life in which they treat others well, then I will keep my mouth shut. However when they start spouting their beliefs as fact when those beliefs are harmful to others I will not keep my mouth shut.

One would think that it is only those who have not suffered greatly that would say such a thing. Unfortunately, this is not so. Abusers say such things for obvious reasons. However abuse survivors  also say such things when they are stuck in denial. 

I think this is the major problem with a belief in a supreme being that cares for us individually. In order to believe it we have to believe that somehow or other the terrible wicked and evil things that happen to people, most especially to children, are somehow just all part of some plan that we cannot possibly understand. This is denial run riot and makes one appear stupid at best and downright wicked at worst.

Let's leave alone the terrible evil that people deliver upon other people. What about those poor people that are born with terrible diseases and disfigurements.  Of those who live very short pain filled lives. And don't you dare tell me that it is so they can learn!

As an individual I have learned a great deal from my early life experiences but I know many many others who did not because they did not survive or they have become bitter and twisted people who treat other people badly.  I do not take credit at all for the way I have turned out. Everything I have done and everything I still do is to avoid pain and there is nothing heroic in that. It is just common sense. I therefore have never hated. Although I am not sure that that was a choice. I have never really wanted to hurt another or to have another suffer. It just never made any sense to me. It never crossed my mind that the suffering of somebody else would ease mine. Perhaps if I had seen that as possible I may well have hated.  The fact that I make the best of my life today does not make me a saint nor especially brave nor especially intelligent or especially anything. It is just common sense.

The one really big reason that I am able to enjoy my life today regardless of my disease and the 24 7 pain is because my present state is so much more preferable to my previous mental emotional and spiritual agony.  my physical difficulties are very much easier to deal with.  I can assure you that when I was in so much agonising turmoil I was not happy nor grateful.

I consider myself very fortunate. I have absolutely no idea why I am in the position I am in today. I do not believe that I was chosen to be in the position I am today so that I could lead others toward the light!!!  How crass!

I CHOOSE  to share my thoughts and feelings about my life. When I first started to do so I did it purely for my own sake. I had no idea of the effect it was going to have upon other survivors. In fact I didn't even consider what might happen if my words were read. Now of course I do know and I would be a liar if I did not say that this colours in some way what I do write.  I am not sure how it does although I am conscious of the fact that on days when I do feel down and fed up I tend to avoid writing about it because it makes me feel ashamed. This is partly because I was not allowed to express my emotions and also because of other people's expectations of me even today.  It is also of course my own expectations of me. I feel so profoundly grateful to not be the person I used to be that even I feel it is wrong of me to have days when I feel like quitting!

I do not know how to make any clearer than with these words: if I knew that I was going to return to the Colin I used to be, I would shoot myself or find some other way of ending my life. I would never ever ever want to be that person again. And I most certainly would not want to be a child ever again. Absolutely no way would I ever be that vulnerable again.

I do of course choose to concentrate on my good fortune. My incredibly loving and patient husband, my dogs, my friends and my talents. This does not mean I do not have bad days. Only a fool would expect to not have bad days.  There are days when I feel the terror of being a child come washing over me. There are mornings I awake and the first thing I feel is fear and I have to tell myself  that I am not at the family home any more and that there is no school today!  There is nothing I can do about this.  PTSD is like that.  One can be perfectly fine one-minute and the next not be.

I often think that those who are not close to survivors and are not survivors themselves have absolutely no idea at all how it affects us.  My ability to form relationships was severely retarded so I grew up basically without friends. I found myself in situations which only heaped more pain upon myself and unfortunately I also caused pain to others because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. When one is totally shut off from one's feelings one has no idea of boundaries. I understand why people reacted to me the way that they did and why new friendships turned into new rejections. I have been lucky and that I do have 2 very long term friends, John and my dear friend Judy whom I have known since 1979 and now also a few others who came into my life during my healing process. Just because I can see how all those others went by the wayside does not mean it did not hurt and does still  hurt at times. I also very much regret that I cannot explain to these people why I was the way that I was and also make amends to those that I hurt because of it.

Anyway, I am fairly certain that many survivors reading this will not need me to explain why I find it offensive when told that even someone living in absolute terror and suffering have reason to be grateful to the Big Sky Daddy!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Monday, November 21, 2011

Puppies 21 11 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011


MG's Puppies

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Mary-Grace gave birth to her 1st letter yesterday.  As I had predicted all the way through her pregnancy.  Are due date was Saturday the 19th.

She has given birth to 5 boys and one girl.  one boy and one girl were 7 ounces and the rest were 8 ounces each.  This is a  VERY  good litter weight of puppies wise.

The 1st part of labour was not very long in that it became obvious early Tuesday evening that she was going to go into labour.  I was up all night with her Tuesday night and she grew increasingly restless and she finally had her 1st puppy at 10:40 AM Wednesday.

Poor Mary-Grace.  The 1st 3 puppies were all proper breach and I had to manoeuvre each one of them out of her and she screamed her head off.  However, the following 3 just plopped out.

She has settled down very well with them.  They have already grown and are doing really well.  I initially thought that they were all  brindle and white with one almost solid brindle.  However I now know that one of the boys is a gold and white and to all the other boys are indeterminate colour wise right now.  I do not care but it will be interesting to see what they turn out to be.

I have never bred a litter in this manner before.  I was showing Mary-Grace and I had absolutely no intention of having a litter of puppies this year.  The last time that I showed her I was in the class and I heard this voice as loud as anything with inside my head which said you should read this girl now.  I ignored it until I got into the car on the way home and the feeling was really insistent that I ought to breed her.  The next question in my mind: well who on earth would I breathe her to?  Immediately a dog's name came into my head.  He is an obscure dog because he is not shown but I have seen him and been over him and know that he is a top-notch Lhasa Apso.  I remembered the telephone of the woman as I was driving home and so I called her.  We arranged a mating the following day and that was the only mating that she had.
I have said all along that I need a top notch male out of this later.  Now I have five to choose from!

I am of course completely exhausted as I have more or less lost 2 nights sleep.  I have had 2 naps so far today and I am sure that I will be sleeping well tonight.

Monday, November 14, 2011


Last night John and I went to see Janis Ian in concert in Birmingham. I have had tickets to her concert before but I was unable to attend the previous time so I was very pleased to get them this time. I was also very pleased that because of my being a wheelchair user I got both tickets at half price, a pre-booked parking space right outside Birmingham Town Hall which is where the concert was held, and a wheelchair space in the concert hall itself.

The concert itself was excellent. Janis Ian is very lucky that at just over 60, she still has her voice. I was very surprised at how she hit the high notes. The whole concert was just her and a guitar. No backing tape, no backing singers, no backing musicians. Astonishing.

Of course if you know Janis Ian's lyrics you will know that her songs can hit you right in the gut. Last night was no exception. However, the bit that really got to me was her talking about her mother. She clearly had a good relationship with her mother. She spoke about her mother being her place of safety when she was a child. About being held in her mother's arms and feeling safe.

I have never had this in my life. It is not true that one does not miss what one has never had. This feeling of safety is something I have hankered after all of my life. To feel as though I am home and safe.

To me my home is John. I also know that in reality there is no such place as security and safety. None of us are safe nor are we secure. We can have some measure of both. As an adult I am fully aware of this. So I wonder if this feeling that I have which I find very difficult to put a finger on is to do with the fact that I never had that place of safety when I was a child. There was nowhere for me to turn where I would feel protected and safe because those who were supposed to make me feel like that were the ones who instead frightened me and left me feeling completely insecure. I wonder if that is what makes me feel so keenly now?

I vividly remember the scene from the science fiction film 2001: A Space Odyssey in which one of the astronauts has his cord cut and he goes floating off into space. I was a young teen when I saw this film and that scene chilled me to the bone. I knew exactly how he felt. I have felt like that all of my life.

In 1979 I was in love with a man who did not love me. He was with me because I was young and available and accessible because of how screwed up I was. Even today, although I know precisely how one-sided that relationship was, it is one I have never forgotten. It was the 2nd time I had been in love. The trouble is, I had all the baggage of having been unloved as a child and being frightened and convinced that I was evil and not worth anything. He did not know this and all he could see was that his bit on the side was much more involved than he wanted to be. Anyway, the reason this relationship comes to mind is that a scene from our relationship seems very raw and apropos to this feeling of safety. The scene happened after our relationship was over. I had met him somewhere or other, by accident or design I cannot remember, but he clearly had nothing better to do that night and I went home with him. Afterwards, I lay with my head on his chest and I could not stop the flood of tears that came. I made no sound. At the time, I felt so totally alone and scared. Like the astronaut. I also knew I would not find any comfort where I was. It was truly one of the most devastating episodes of my life. In hindsight, I can see why, but of course then I did not know myself at all back then. Even as I write this, from my position of financial security, a 30 year relationship, and a profound understanding of myself and my history, I still feel the pain of the lost boy that I was.

As I write this, I don't really know where it is leading. I only know that I need to write and I am doing so because I can. The title of this post is a twist on the title of something else and I will not let on what that is just to see who might understand the reference.

I have been feeling something that I am finding very difficult to put into words. I felt it keenly last night at the Janis Ian concert. It has to do with time passing. With how much time has passed. And the full and certain knowledge that for me and for John time will stop (just as it will for you who are reading this ).

I think part of it is that I am aware of myself today and how I feel. I am fully aware of that which I lost, all of that which I never had and the effect that it has had on me. I am aware that so, so many years of my life were spent in darkness. I confess that now that my life is lived in the light, that I know how lucky I am in comparison to others, when I see the suffering around me, I find I am almost ashamed to admit that I do look back with a huge, huge sorrow.

I am enjoying experiences that I really ought to have had when I was young. I am now catching up on music which was produced during my time in the dark. It is not just new voices I am listening to but the voices of those current at various parts of my life which I was unable to appreciate because I was so dis-associated from myself and my feelings. I don't know if this even make sense. It is just my clumsy attempt at putting into words what I am feeling.

I realised last night just how frightened I am with regard to John's health and the fear that I have that it will claim him. Besides the fact that I could not bear to see him suffer in any way, he is also all that I have. I cannot imagine my world without him. That is a lie. I can imagine only too well. Hence my fear. I have made an appointment for him to have a review with is Dr. I will be speaking to her beforehand because John will minimise and with COPD, that is not wise.

I am not as honest in my sharing as people appear to think that I am because I very often refrain from writing the way I am right now. This is me though. Yes I am generally a happy and positive person but I'm not an idiot with my head in the clouds! I am not whistling in the dark to keep my spirits up. I am fully aware how temporary all this is

And when I feel this deep sadness, this terror, I can almost understand why people cling to very black-and-white views of the world and of life and death. I can understand why they choose such rigid Gods to obey and why they pour hatred and scorn upon those who deny their idea because it makes them feel less certain. It is why they cling together and have as little as possible to do with those who do not think as they do. In order to keep their idea intact they must have as little as possible to do with others who hold to different ideas. It is why relationships between the faiths are frowned upon. And while those of no faith at all so despised.

So recently I have not been watching as much DVDs. I have spent much of my time just knitting and listening to music.

It always amazes me how easily I can be made to feel deep shame when I am caught off guard or am distracted and tired. Last night on the way back from the concert we stopped for coffee at one of the motorway service stations. There was a man and woman seated at a table near me and the woman had the most beautiful wine coloured lacey long dress on complemented by wine coloured high heels and black lace stockings. As I left I told her that I thought her dress was beautiful and she reacted with the equivalent of a slap in my face! Both she and her husband turned away from me and she muttered something and it felt very much like she thought for some madman was pestering her. Or that I had just said: love your tits or something equally vile. I really was shocked and it made me feel sick to my stomach as I walked away. How very odd. I have strangers make comments about my attire, especially my boots, all of the time and it never occurs to me to react with anything but a polite thank you and I always feel and in a surprise that people would have the nerve to be kind like that to someone they don't even know. So I was very taken aback with last night's response from that woman.

Sometime this week Mary-Grace will have her puppies. I am really looking forward to this. As if I really need to write that! Despite having had many litters since I was 12 years old I still get excited every time.

I don't know about anybody else, I cannot be the only one, but when I feel just how much I love John, it frightens me.

Friday, November 11, 2011



I may do a video today as well.

I am still in the process of getting my music and hi-fi equipment sorted out. If you have been reading here you will know that I bought some top of the range hi-fi equipment by a British company called ARCAM.

This has necessitated me recall being all of my CDs onto an external SATA drive via my Mac Book Pro. The reason for this is that getting up and down in order to change the CD gets tired very quickly and this is the main reason why I have not listened to music to the extent that I used to.

I use a clear wave dongle attached to the MacBook Pro which streams the music perfectly to the ARCAM rDAC which is classed into the ARCAM AV amplifier.

If you are like John you are already bored! All you really need to know is that the sound quality is excellent and that I am once again really enjoy my music.

I am constantly amazed at the changes within me since the seismic shift that took place at the end of 2007. I almost feel that that is when I became alive for real. Sometimes it can make me feel bitter that so much of my life was wasted. I try not to let that overwhelm me. Today I am so happy and content with myself and I therefore cannot really regret the past but I do sometimes feel that to not wake up until one is 48 years old to then find oneself with a fairly decrepit body and realising that one now could enjoy everything that I did not when I was young, if only I were young! I'm not sure if I've written that correctly but I think you probably get the gist of what I'm saying.

Most surprisingly for me I have got into male singers recently. I have never enjoyed male singers. The 1st but I got into a couple of years back is James Blunt but have since added Mumford & Sons, Noah And The Whale, and now Leonard Cohen!

I really thought that men in general did not do emotion and certainly did not sing about it. I could not have been more wrong. I know that part of this is the fact that all of my friends are female and most of my interactions have been with females. Certainly the women that I have known have a rather poor opinion of men and their ability to feel or express themselves. With my experience with John I know that this is not true. I do know however that there is a marked difference between the way that men and women deal with their stuff. Once I understood that John was just different from me in the way that he handled things, I stopped trying to fix him or thinking that there was something wrong with him, or that he was all repressed! It behoves us all to not stereotype and to not think that there is something wrong with another just because they deal with life in a different way.

Mary-Grace is due to have her puppies on the 19th although I will not be at all surprised if they come on the Wednesday before. I have yet to have a litter of Lhasa Apso go full-term. She was only mated the once.

On Sunday evening John and I are going to Birmingham town Hall to see Janis Ian in concert. I am really looking forward to this. I have previously seen Dar Williams, Nanci Griffith, Tangerine Dream, Donna Summer, the LSO. I think that it is about it.

Pain wise it has been difficult recently. Yesterday and so far today, not bad at all but so so tired! In fact, I am going to nap shortly and I have not done that for quite some time.

Swimming is going well again. Although I took some steps to improve matters, I think that nothing I did changed it. I think whatever disc in my neck impinges on the nerves, just stopped. The last time it was bad, really bad, was in '03. It has been on and off ever since but this last period was the worst it has been for a while. Now I am back to just the normal pain!

I may write some more later, or video, but for now I need to go to bed.

Monday, November 07, 2011


I knitted these simultaneously, using Chiao Goo 2mm/60cm circulars. I used my own Andersson Sock Construction Method and utilised my own Andersson heel Mark II.

I dyed the yarn by machine knitting up 2 x 50 gram balls of 75% sw merino 25% nylon, knitted in one piece. I then dyed. The result wasn't as I intended but I love the colourway. I shall be having another op at this form of dyeing.