AND SO TO BED

I may do a video today as well.

I am still in the process of getting my music and hi-fi equipment sorted out. If you have been reading here you will know that I bought some top of the range hi-fi equipment by a British company called ARCAM.

This has necessitated me recall being all of my CDs onto an external SATA drive via my Mac Book Pro. The reason for this is that getting up and down in order to change the CD gets tired very quickly and this is the main reason why I have not listened to music to the extent that I used to.

I use a clear wave dongle attached to the MacBook Pro which streams the music perfectly to the ARCAM rDAC which is classed into the ARCAM AV amplifier.

If you are like John you are already bored! All you really need to know is that the sound quality is excellent and that I am once again really enjoy my music.

I am constantly amazed at the changes within me since the seismic shift that took place at the end of 2007. I almost feel that that is when I became alive for real. Sometimes it can make me feel bitter that so much of my life was wasted. I try not to let that overwhelm me. Today I am so happy and content with myself and I therefore cannot really regret the past but I do sometimes feel that to not wake up until one is 48 years old to then find oneself with a fairly decrepit body and realising that one now could enjoy everything that I did not when I was young, if only I were young! I'm not sure if I've written that correctly but I think you probably get the gist of what I'm saying.

Most surprisingly for me I have got into male singers recently. I have never enjoyed male singers. The 1st but I got into a couple of years back is James Blunt but have since added Mumford & Sons, Noah And The Whale, and now Leonard Cohen!

I really thought that men in general did not do emotion and certainly did not sing about it. I could not have been more wrong. I know that part of this is the fact that all of my friends are female and most of my interactions have been with females. Certainly the women that I have known have a rather poor opinion of men and their ability to feel or express themselves. With my experience with John I know that this is not true. I do know however that there is a marked difference between the way that men and women deal with their stuff. Once I understood that John was just different from me in the way that he handled things, I stopped trying to fix him or thinking that there was something wrong with him, or that he was all repressed! It behoves us all to not stereotype and to not think that there is something wrong with another just because they deal with life in a different way.

Mary-Grace is due to have her puppies on the 19th although I will not be at all surprised if they come on the Wednesday before. I have yet to have a litter of Lhasa Apso go full-term. She was only mated the once.

On Sunday evening John and I are going to Birmingham town Hall to see Janis Ian in concert. I am really looking forward to this. I have previously seen Dar Williams, Nanci Griffith, Tangerine Dream, Donna Summer, the LSO. I think that it is about it.

Pain wise it has been difficult recently. Yesterday and so far today, not bad at all but so so tired! In fact, I am going to nap shortly and I have not done that for quite some time.

Swimming is going well again. Although I took some steps to improve matters, I think that nothing I did changed it. I think whatever disc in my neck impinges on the nerves, just stopped. The last time it was bad, really bad, was in '03. It has been on and off ever since but this last period was the worst it has been for a while. Now I am back to just the normal pain!

I may write some more later, or video, but for now I need to go to bed.

DAMN, BOTHER AND BLAST! (Good news too!)

My happy confidence in the new drug regime to control pain has gone to pot! Yesterday the pain was so bad I nearly threw up. It has been suggested to me that I start off my swim slowly in order to warm up. I have to say that I had never thought about this. I know that one must warm up one's muscles before weightlifting or running but it did not occur to me that one also needed to do it before summing.

I will not get to the pool now until Monday because my central heating has broken down. The plumber is coming at 7:45 AM and it is unlikely that I will get to the swimming pool by 8:30! I have had to go out and buy myself and electric blanket because it is cold here and I cannot do with getting cold as this will cause me many more problems. I have enough difficulty keeping warm as it is.

I am very pleased to say that Pussy won Best Puppy at today's championship show. Her sister, Plenty O Toole, won Best Puppy In Show on the Sunday just past.

I spent 2 or 3 days uploading my CD collection onto my Mac Book Pro only to discover that I had already done it all and had backed it up onto an external drive!

I am extremely pleased with the new music system and DVD Blu-ray system. I am now listening to music much more like I used to before it became to much of a chore to constantly change CDs. I also had not realised that part of the reason I had stopped is that much of being enjoyment had gone because I wrongly believed that my ears had degraded when in fact it was the fact that I was listening to MP3s via the iPod all the computer that had degraded the music! Now I am back to listening to my music in the way that it ought to be heard and in fact in the best way that I have ever heard. It put a lump in my throat when John told me that listening to his vinyl records, classical and opera, was the best sound he had ever heard. I was so pleased to hear him say this because he is a man of few words and rarely enthuses about anything. When he told me that we should buy any high-cost items now before he retires in April I had to really think about what would be good for us both and not just me which I know is what he meant for me to do. Coming up with audiophile audio equipment was the right choice. It was for both of us, not just me. John is generous to a fault with me and I was determined to get something he would really enjoy. I succeeded. The TV is for us both too.

When I got my electric recliner and one for him too, I really thought that was a good choice. It was but John refuses to use his. The dogs use it! I know he thinks of it as an old man's chair. He'll get over that at some point. Whereas I love mine and don't think of it as an old man's chair at all. More my throne.

BEING NOT DOING

I am feeling good. I have been swimming three times this week and the last two did not hurt! I have figured out that I need to take my drugs two hours before I swim. Once I figured that out, it was matter of knowing how much morphine to add to the other three painkillers and nerve blocks I use as my 'baseline'-1000mg Paracetamol, 100mg Tramadol, 400mg Gabapentin. 20mg of Morphine lessens the pain enough for me to swim thru it and it does stop. 40mg keeps it away completely but I am happier on just the 20mg as this does make it so I can swim without too much pain and I'd rathe leave the larger doses for down the road as my condition progresses.

I was thrilled to be up at 6.30am as I always used to be. I am really hoping this is the beginning of me getting back to my routine and proper pain control. I am sleeping well though it has not been easy to get up. This morning it wasn't.

I have again been feel in g useless recently. Thinking about my life and what I have done with it. It has all been spent sporting myself out from my poor start. I have been successful at that. Even now, I feel good about being able meet to my challenges. I feel good about myself when I find my way through the challenges. Like the daily battle I have with my body. No that doesn't sound right. It isn't a battle, more a challenge. I feel really good about sorting the right drug cocktail to enable to continue swimming. I went form swimming one mile a day to barely being able to swim 20 laps twice a week. This week I did 2 half miles and one full mile. Swimming is the only exercise I can do. Initially it was the only exercise I could do which didn't hurt. Those days have gone. Nothing I do is pain fee. I am not pain free. So there we are.

The thrill I get though from overcoming is good. Learning how to live with this is a constant challenge and quite an exciting one. I know what I want to do -knit, show the dogs, dye yarn. For as long as possible.

The point to all this is that it is all self-centred. The challenges are all personal. I don't' know if I am making sense here. At 52 I look back over my life and it is has just been about surviving. De-programming so I had a chance at a good life. I wonder what on earth my life means when it has all been about me. Don't misunderstand. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am happy. I feel very fortunate to be here and to have the life I have. I am so very very lucky. Yet, I think there ought to be more. I don't mean more material things. I don't really know what I mean. I have been given so much by others in my life. By John, my ex-therapist now friend, my best friend Dawn, and various people, some strangers, throughout my life. I have been given love and guidance and new ideas. Given the strength to carry on, to face my demons, to overcome them. To love myself and accept myself.

So you see I have been given so much and it seems my life has been about that and I wonder I have given back. Maybe all of these thoughts are just my ego. Maybe I think I ought to do something concrete, be somebody. This is true. Yet as I write I think that I just need to accept that I may never know what I do. What mark I have left on the world and will leave behind me when I die. I hunk maybe I have been thinking I need to do something obvious-like John is very successful in his field, world renowned for his writing and lectures and knowledge. He will not be forgotten. He is in the history books and will always be.

The more I write, the more I realise that I have fallen for this ego driven idea that I must DO something. Yet I know deep down that all I need to do is to BE. Just be. I don't know what effect that has and maybe that is the lesson I need to learn. Just get on with being me and stop worrying about it.

SOCIETAL DESTRUCTION

I really enjoyed the dog show on Sunday. The judging went pretty much as I expected. Mary-Grace was not placed and Pussy came 3rd. It was the judges 1st appointment and I entered because I think it is only right and proper to give 1st timers a chance even though I was fairly confident that she would not appreciate my dogs. She didn't.

Although I find it very stressful to be among so many people I still enjoyed meeting people. I am beginning to enjoy the social aspect of the dog shows.

The weather had not been as forecast and instead it was wet and cold. As the day went on the rain stopped and it became warmer but it was still not very hot day promised. I am relieved that it was not. Home however was a very different matter as it was having the hottest weather in the British Isles! By the time I got home in the late afternoon it was still 30°C.

I may have written here a while ago that my doctor was leaving the medical practice that I attend. However, it turned out that I could follow her to her new practice. I have been to the new practice and it is completely unsuitable for me. It is small has very little parking, like half a dozen spaces, and is 6 miles from home. On top of that it appears that she is only going to be working 2 days a week. I have come to terms with the fact that she will no longer be my doctor.

This presents me with a problem. The practice I am with is a very popular one and all of the doctors have their capacity of patients. The doctor who has come to replace my doctor is not one I could have a good relationship with.

He is a fundamentalist Christian who takes the Bible literally. Not only do I have a problem with a medical doctor who is supposed to be a man of science, thinking in such a primitive way, but I definitely have a problem with having a doctor who sees me and my kind as evil and the cause of societal destruction. I do not believe I can have a good and constructive relationship with somebody who does not view me with positive regard from the outset.

I have to write in and request that John's Dr will take me on her list. I do not know if she will but I know that I already have a good relationship with this woman as I have worked closely with her with regard to John and getting him to take his COPD seriously. She is a very nice woman and I know does not think of us in a negative way.

The manager of the practice understands my position and reading between the lines I am fairly certain that she is on my side though of course she cannot say so. I do not know what is going to happen and of course I am worried about it. I need a doctor with whom I can have a good relationship you know as I am not a not often seen patient! I am high maintenance in that regard and will only become more so as my condition worsens.

Recently I have had quite a lot of difficulty with my hands and getting them to work properly. I do not understand how this connects to spinal arthritis and I am going to ask about that. A few days ago I was convinced that the problem I was having with my hands was because the circular needle I was using for knitting John socks was too short. I changed to my normal 80 cm length but it made no difference. It is hard to explain but it is as if the messages from my brain are not getting to my hands and my hands are working very slowly. Not exactly painful, just weird. I could not even open jars or bottles. It has gone away again now but I know that it is a recurring difficulty and I want to know why this happens. I am at least glad that it is not the circular needles because I have 6 pairs of Chiao Goo in 60 cm length! I find working with the 60 cm length to be much better as there is less cable to pull through.

NEW HORIZONS

This is the first thing I have ever crocheted. It is a scarf/stole for my friend Dawn. I am undecided if I shall leave it as it is, corrugated look, or block it when it is done. The yarn is my own Knitman's Kitchen yarn, 50/50 Sw Merino / Tencel at 800m /100g, Lace weight.

I have tired of knitting socks for now! I have decided to to knit another machine sweater. I was messing about the other day and just did a small test to try something out and have decided it would make a nice sweater, so I am going to make one.Just an ordinary 4ply wool sweater, in Fair Isle. Or to be more precise, in a two colour pattern. (Precision for the knitting police who will point out that Fair isle only comes from Fair Isle and is in hand knitted in Shetland!)



I started a new drug on Thursday night, Gabapentin. It is a nerve blocker. Meaning it stops the pain message getting to my brain. So far it has worked very well. I was able to swim without pain this morning. I am however, in pain now, in my neck and shoulders. This pain is not common as it is usually my joints, especially hips. It is too soon to tell if this drug is going to help but the last 4 days have been unusually good. I won't really know until I have swum at least 3 days this week. THAT will tell me. The good thing is this drug can be built up to as much as 3000mg a day and I am only on 100mg right now. No side effects either that I am aware of.

I will be keeping Fin, Pussy and Plenty from Whitney's litter. I am so pleased without his litter. I am so glad I followed my gut. If I had listened to my head, I would not have used the sire.

Christopher, now called Bear, went to his new home on Saturday, with Tim and Jenny and family. Holly went to her new home with Linda, Whitney's breeder, on Sunday. I only have Dr No (Marten) to find a home for now. Waldo is still here too!

My shows start this month and I am looking forward to starting up again. Mary-Grace is a stunner. Then Winston will follow after May 15th and after 7th July, the other three. Though of course not all at once!

I am undecided as to what to do with Whitney. I do not mean parting with her as that is never going to happen. I mean as regards her retirement. I am thinking this might well be permanent retirement. She is BISS Ch Polielins Whitney with Tantra JW 10cc, 8RCC, G3, G4, BISS. Top Winning Lhasa Apso 2009 Her last show she went BIS. So I think that is a good record to leave standing for her. Retire her at the top. I know she is only 3 and has now really mature well after having this litter, better than ever. Perhaps though it is time to move forward with her offspring and Mary-Grace and Winston.

I am very impressed with the new Adele album, 21. What a voice! Such a mature young woman.

Posted by Knitman

WELL I NEVER

When I put the cones in my online shop, I really had my doubts they would sell. I put up 6. In less than 24 hrs, 5 have sold. So much better than Ebay. None of the hassle. It s going to be a pretty full time job to get shot of all this yarn but it must be done. I can’t stomach the idea of binning it.


I have been dyeing and I have learned a lot recently. First, I have learned that unlike Kemtex dye powder, Landscape and Gay Wool (behave!) dyes must be put into boiling water to dissolve. I have also found that dye is best used cold and painted onto cold yarn. I wash my hanks first, I don’t soak them. I also found I do not need to use anywhere near the amount of dye I have been. Today I dyed 4 hanks from the same mixtures. After the first, I diluted and dyed another hank, then diluted and dyed another and then diluted and dyed another. I didn’t reach pastel! Yes the colours grew less strong but did not pale as much as I thought they would so clearly I am using too much to start off with, even for the strongest colours I need less dye to make it strong. This means that all he dyes I have will last me long long time.
I feel so content recently. I only wish my body would allow me to do more though I am grateful for what I can do.
I have really learned how not to hassle myself and let pride get in the way. I swim Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don’t force myself to and I don’t force a particular amount of laps. I stop when I know I must.
Of the seven dogs, only two are coated. That really was a hard decision to make but it is the right one fro them and for me.
Today, I am just about done in. I am sore and tired so instead of forcing myself to carry on, I am resting. That demon whispering in my ear all the time about me being lazy and good for nothing is dead.
I am flattered that my hand dyed yarns are selling so well.
We should have the car next week. We were going to Edinburgh for 5 days on Easter Sunday but have cancelled. The weather is crap. They reckon up there is getting 8 inches this next couple of days. Here is blowing fiercely with rain and black clouds with worse to  come. The wind blew the dogs over when they wanted to go out. They changed their minds and came back in. Did I mention that I have taught Luque, six years old, to give his paw? I find that amazing. I don’t use treats, just praise.
We have re booked Edinburgh later. I am determined I WILL see that city! John has loads of times and all I know who have been say it is gorgeous.
The heat sensations are to do with C7 vertebrae compressing nerves. I was offered Gabapentin, and epilepsy drug which also deadens nerve pain but I didn’t take the offer. I take 20+ pills a day as it is. Besides, it isn’t so bad and the pk’s take care of it mostly.I just Googled Gabapentin. You should see the side effects! F*ck off! No way!)
I am watching Series 3 of The Secret Diary of A Call Girl starring Billie Piper. It is very good. Funny. Moving. Billie Piper is beautiful and an excellent actress. She is beautiful whilst still being real, her face has character.