JOSH

 I bought this yarn from COLOURMART. It is called Hawk. It is 10% cashmere, 10% alpaca, 30% silk , 50% merino. A 2/7 weight ( 350m/100g).

 I knitted in on a Brother 965i at tension 8*(8.) It was 26 sts and 40 rows to 10cm. It was washed, spun, and then tumble dried on hot for 1 hour. It will only be hand washed from now on.

 I used fully fashioned shaping throughout. I sewed it together using mattress stitch.

KNITTING PROOF

This is the alpaca sweater i am knitting for my self in a simple knit/purl check. I am using two ends of Drops alpaca on 4mm needles. I am using Lantern Moon Ebony Circulars.

This is John's aran sweater. I am using 5mm Lantern Moon Ebony circulars. The yarn is Cascade 200 and the design is my own.

This is another pair of socks for me. I am using Karbonz in 2.25mm size. the yarn is by Wendy and it just caught my eye. I am going to knit this a s a tube sock.

I am pretty sick at the moment and have been since Cruft's back on the 8th. I expected to feel really bad the two days after the show but that feeling didn't lift and I gradually got worse and worse until finally I developed a fever (tho now I think I had one a lot sooner than i realised) and difficulty breathing. I had been taking more and more pain killers because my joints were on fire and I was hurting much more. Anyway, I finally went to the Dr today and I had a temp of 38c and a chest infection for which I now have anti-biotics. I should have gone last week of course but didn't want to make a fuss!

KNIT AND KNAT

  This is knitted using two ends of Drops alpaca.  I am using 4 mm needles. In this case the needles are the Lantern Moon ebony interchangeables.  They are truly excellent. I knitted another sweater using this exact same yarn back in 2007.
(   Alpaca Sweater )

 The yarn  I am using is Cascade 220.  This will be a sweater for John. The design is my own. Once again I am using Lantern Moon Ebony interchangeables  in 5 mm this time.  What you see is just the swatch.  I designed the chart using Design A Knit 8.  I upgraded from DAK7. I am so far very pleased.  This really took the headache out. I was able to chart the above and consequently setting the first two rows  of knitting was very easy.   At the moment it seems as if this will be wide enough for the measurement that I require for the sweater! I just have a few more rows to do and then I shall wash it and try it and measure it.

 Very clever of you to have noticed that these are not knitted. I've bought two new  pairs of Dr Martens.  Aren't they gorgeous?



 This is one of the puppies that were six weeks old yesterday. I will be keeping this one and also her black and white brother and her gold and white sister. I will not be keeping the two girls permanently but will be running both on until I decide which one I shall keep. They will all be getting their microchips done today.

SHAMING THE DISABLED

KNITTING

 I am glad to say that my muse is back. I have several sweaters planned to hand knit and I am working up to using my knitting machines that are now set up.

I have been on a bit of a spending spree with regard to interchangeable needles sets. The latest acquisition is one which I still cannot quite believe that I bought. You can see them above. I have yet to knit with them as I have only just unpacked them. They feel lovely in the hand, are a good weight, and feel very smooth. if you want to know how much the set is, Google it!

 As you can see they are indeed Lantern Moon Ebony Interchangeable Needles.

These are the yarns I am intending to use:

 The Cascade yarn at the top is for John and it will be an Aran.  The  Drops alpaca is going to be a textured knit  for myself and I also have the same yarn in a lovely moss green. The Alaska will also be an Aran and that will be for me.   Finally,  the Peace Fleece  yarn will also be an Aran for myself.

 I use a design software program called Design A Knit  for my machine knitting. I have been wondering whether to upgrade to version 8 and I have decided that yes I will because I will be able to chart out my Aran designs.  This will make life much easier for me as I will not have too use pieces of paper and numbers that I keep in my head. I was still basically only need the chart to do my foundation rows  unless of course the pattern changes as the sweater progresses or I decide to do something like Raglan in which case I will print out the full instructions. I have always done all this in my head but I confess that it has been increasingly more difficult to do the more painkillers that I have to take.

Once I have found a folding table that is lightweight I will also be back to dyeing my yarns for sale.

 DISABILITY

This is such a sore subject for me, pardon the pun. On my really bad days there is a part of me that feels  I am earning my disability status and benefit.

This government have succeeded in making people on disability benefits the target of the general public's anger. They have succeeded in blaming us for the deficit. I find that on Facebook or people that I meet when I am out in my wheelchair frequently offend me by constantly bringing up unasked  the subject of disability fraud. They always add "we don't mean you of course". That is designed to make what they say not offensive and it does not work. The government's own independent enquiry found out that 0.07% of disability claims were fraudulent. I cannot understand why people's anger is not put where it belongs: upon the rich who do not pay their taxes, the banks for behaving like boys with Monopoly money, and the politicians.

Not long ago I received the most vile email attacking me for being on disability benefits and yet attending dog shows. They accused me of being a fraud and in their ignorant state that I should go to a hospital and see in mobile people in their beds-the real disabled as she put it. What shocked me the most was that this was somebody whom I actually knew. The venom and the ignorance truly caught me by surprise and devastated me for a couple of days. In fact it frightened me. I was not hurt in the sense that I am sorry to have lost this person out of my life because I am not. Know what frightened me was the venom with which the letter was written and for a while I thought I do not leave my house. I felt as if I would be watched during my every move.

People really have to get a grip with what disability is and is not. The vast majority of people who are disabled are not immobile. Look at the Paralympics!

 Chronic pain that is severe and 24/7 counts as disability. The fact that I am able to be on my feet for short periods of time and even walk very short distances with the aid of canes and lots of drugs does not make me able. I am still disabled.  My balance is such that I fall on a regular basis. My bowel and my bladder do not work properly, I have heart disease, my spine is falling apart, I have neurological disease, and on top of that  I am bipolar. 

As I write this I feel embarrassed because it feels like I am moaning and of course  being English I was brought up to have a stiff upper lip. I also feel very uncomfortable because I feel that I am justifying my disability benefit. A lot of the time I have even wondered myself if I deserve the status of disabled. My doctor could not believe that I even asked her the question. She told me to ignore the government and those resentful jealous people. She told me that I am in no way capable of work and that I am very fortunate to be able to do what I managed to do and she says I am only able to do that because I have courage and determination. She supports me in every way she can because she believes in quality-of-life and therefore I am prescribed strong opiates without which I would not be able to swim, walk, nor attend dog shows.

I have shared on here some very personal things regarding the abuse I went to was a child and I did so gladly and without shame. I know that it has been of benefit to others and I continue to write on that subject. I used to publicly speak on it and raise money but I can no longer do that. 

However, writing the above about my disability has been a very unpleasant experience and I feel very uncomfortable sharing my feelings about it. It makes me feel like I have stood naked in front of people. I know that other disabled people feel exactly this way. They too have been shamed. There are so many illnesses that make one disabled where one does not look it. Ignoring me completely, there are diseases like lupus and multiple sclerosis which are very disabling in many people  yet they are not necessarily visible. My best friend has multiple sclerosis and you would have no idea if you met her because like me she is a determined person and proud and she fights.

 It seems that those of us who show tremendous courage and fortitude  in the face of our disability and pain are penalised and shamed for it.

THE RCC CRIME SYNDICATE

It has been too long since I have written a blog post. The trouble is that since I have been on Facebook it is just so easy to share my thoughts on the spot. I am going to try to make blog writing part of my day like it used to be. I am certainly not going to leave Facebook so I can only endeavour to do as I have said. My blog has been very meaningful to me and I know that it is to other people also and I therefore feel that it is important to keep it up.

ABUSE

As any survivor of abuse will understand there is just no part of our lives and that is not informed by the abuse we suffered. This does not mean that we wallow in self-pity. It just means that we experience our world in a way that is different to others. It cannot be any other way. Our brains are programmed in that way because of our past. This is absolutely no different to any other living  human being.  All of us are informed by our past and it dictates how we see the world.

I recently had to intend a bladder clinic to get help for my bladder problem.  It did not go exceedingly well. Not at all. The specialist nurse that I saw, although very nice and amusing, left me feeling quite shaken. She asked me how much did I drink each day and I informed her that I drank  between six and eight litres a day.  She then informed me that she would not be giving me the pads that I needed nor really be doing anything else until I cut down to 2 L a day. I was greatly upset by this. Not straightaway. It didn't really hit me until the Sunday where her words basically brought me to tears. Because of my disease there is so much that I have to do each day and so much that I have to not do each day that I really felt that I just could not cope with having to restrict my water intake as well. From the moment I heard her words I immediately felt guilty every time I took a sip! Now this is one of those situations where past abuse certainly does inform the present! I overcame the situation rather quickly. I telephoned my doctor and I explained to the receptionist that I was in a bit of a mess and within an hour my doctor had called me. She immediately told me to ignore what I had been told, to have a blood test the following day, and to have an appointment with her today.

Of the most amusing thing is that the blood tests showed that I was dehydrated!  I had not reduced my drinking. The test for my thyroid and my liver function also came back normal and so did whatever else was tested.

I had got into such a tiz that I had wanted to stop  taking most of my medications believing that they were stopping me from losing weight and had probably caused my weight gain of 14lbs.  in fact what had caused the gain was pain  which has been significantly worse over the last few months of last year not to mention all of the stress of last year. During the last two weeks my weight has started to drop significantly because I am able to swim again. 

The swimming regularly again has greatly been enabled by a drug called oxycodone. I take one of these with two of my morphine and I'm able to swim very well. The oxycodone has a rather peculiar effect on me in that it energises me rather than the sleepy effect it has on most people! Thus I am able to swim. I feel so much better as a result.

 KNITTING

 I have a few projects ready to be designed and knitted. Two of them will be simple knit and purl  chequered sweaters with either set in sleeves all raglan sleeves. I am using Drops alpaca for this.  I already have one sweater knitted with this yarn and it is beautiful. I use it double on 4 mm needles.

 I have three Aran sweaters to design.  For this I have Drops Alaska, Cascade 220, and Peace Fleece worsted weight which is 75% merino 25% mohair. 

 I will be able to design the cable patterns I will use on my computer which is going to make life much easier for me.  I have used a software program called Design A Knit 
 for my machine knitting for many years.  Now the upgrade allows me to design hand knits as well.  So I will be able to chart it all out before I  knit my swatch.   No more having to keep it in my head.

 I no longer knit small pieces of pattern, measured them, and put them all together for designing Aran.  I usually knit 150 stitch swatches.  this makes it much easier on me and also makes it much more accurate. I also know that the actual sweater will not be much wider than my test piece.

 I have yet to commence using my machines again even though my machine room is ready to use and just requires a little adjustment. However, I have a letter of 4 1/2 week old puppies  to deal with and they are wonderful time wasters! Although I consider it a joy to sit and play with them and joy is never a time waster.

ABUSE AGAIN

There is much more to share particularly on the ongoing situation with the Roman Catholic Church and its deliberate shielding of criminals. I just do not have the energy right now to write about this. Suffice to say I am sick of all of the people that comment on the written pieces about this all full crime trying to defend the Pope and his bishops who are responsible for covering up crimes for many years and yet they cannot find one word of kindness or empathy toward the victims of this abuse. This really angers me and I often weigh in  with my comments. This is on the Anne Rice page on Facebook.  The callous disregard  of the victims of abuse may anger me but the complete lack of self-awareness  shown by many of the writers  just astounds me. Not only do I not understand how they can at best ignore the victims and at worse blame the victims, I am at a total loss to understand how they can still venerate people who have proven to be criminals. Part of me understands the damage done to the mind when indoctrinating as children and then I think of the way that I was indoctrinated and how I have overcome my own indoctrination and I wonder why these people have not done the same instead of continuing to contribute to the evil.

NEW PARAMETERS (Bugger!)

Damn bother blast.i collapsed at pool. home feeling okay but waiting now for Doc. my legs gave way and i felt very trembly all over. about 15 mins I guess till i staryted to fee; okay again. staff saod i was 'white as shhet' but i only knew i felt feint and weak and wobbly. iam getting very fed up with all this juggling drugs, mobility, food etc. it realy p's me off but i can't just fuck it and take to by bed for the rrest of my ife.

I saw the Doc and she agreed with the pool staff (and me) that I had a hypo. It seems I still cannot eat carbs without risking one. No, I am not diabetic. No I have nothing wrong with my pancreas, thyroid or stomach. I just produce too march insulin in response to sugar, hence the reason I was so fat and tired until I went low carb, lost a 100lb and generally felt better. So it seems even complex carbs, like oats, does it for me. So back to low carb. The aspirin is okay too, for a couple more days only of course. Neighbours was upsetting today only because of Rhys mother, young and wheelchair bound, not even able to move neck. They told us what was wrong with her today and I had expected MS or MND but it is spinal degeneration-one of my problems. I needed that after already feeling down. BUT it is why I keep mobile as much as I can. My Aunt Jessie was like her, supports all over, in a wheelchair. I am putting that off as long as possible. It is a matter of finding a balance. I will rest Tuesday and swim the following day.

i knew there was good reason to hide out in my changing room until the hypo went away because the staff would have insisted I drank sugar-which would only have exacerbated it. I f had been home, I'd have eaten cheese although today just told me to do nothing and it will right itself.

Well I am going to do nothing at all today. Stay in, watch telly (DVDs), quality time with dogs. Kitting. Listening to music. Twaddle on here. Re-adjust myself yet again to the new circumstances and possibilities. Allow myself to feel sad about it. Gain strength again to say well f*ck it! I am going to live and live well despite it. The constant parameter change can be overwhelming and frustrating but once I get the change, I can deal with it. I am lucky. I am not totally incapacitated. I know of someone twenty years older with same and they still walk if little, but not wheelchair bound. I feel I ought to apologise for not being my smiling self and banging on about this but writing is the way I assimilate. Thru writing I answer myself because I write what I didn't know I thought or I write an idea I had not thought about. At least, yet again, the low carb route has shown itself to be my only option and the only route my Dr says is open to me. So i can stop believing very effing thing I read. Of course I could have taken that article and had a large protein breakfast. This is what I do when on holiday. Always a large protein breakfast-eggs, sausages, salami, mushrooms, cheese. I then am not hungry until the evening meal.
I ma taking my muscle relaxants today and I will have a take care day. You will have a good day too. You have permission to have fun and enjoy it. xo

ON MY TOES

We are into the sixth hour of WILD CHINA and excellent BBC documentary series on Blu-Ray. I didn't know they have their own elephants nor that the Chinese were very into conservation of lands and animals. Yet the people will also eat almost anything that moves. They have a most delightful snub nose monkey, rather reminiscent of ultra-type Persians. Lots of beautiful species of birds, rodents, red panda-which are more closely related to skunk. And of course Panda for which there was a very rare scene of Panda porn! They have a rather endearing mating ritual which involves the male cuddling up the female and placing his head lovingly and forlornly on her back until she is ready and then he shags her rotten. They also showed the most amazing Ice City built by 10,000 people over 18 days. Miniature of course. At night they were all lit up. Some scenery reminded me of the Rockies. Some of the people were regal looking and one ethnic group had very good looking men in an almost ethereal way - tall and slim with very chiselled features and they wore their hair in a sort of bun with ponytails wrapped from front to back around the head with colourful clothing which may have been silk, I can't 
recall.

I am trying an experiment. Eating breakfast. Not only that but oats, as in porridge. I have not eaten cereals/grains,pulses for years. I am allergic in that they really irritate my gut and cause gas, bloating and frequent pooing. However, the tramadol and  morphine I take daily has pretty much calmed my IBS right down. So this morning I tired 80g of Porridge made with water and some salt and artificial sweetener.

Later, I found my exercise much easier. But not sure if it was the porridge or the fact yesterday was a rest day. I did however, burn more calories according to the meter.  I also did not feel exhausted afterward.

I do not know if I will be able to tolerate this yet. I am also taking large doses of Asprin 3 x daily (425mg) instead of my usual 75mg once. This is too get rid of the inflammation in my hips which got so bad it was keeping me awake. The pain has already gone and now I just ahve the normal pain which the morphine/tramadol/paracetamol take care of. I have no idea why it doesn't deal with inflammation pain.

On top of this I take Protium, an antacid pill.

Well guts have not felt too good this evening. But it  could be the oats, the aspirin or the protium!!! I think tomorrow morning will give me a better idea.

My yarn sold well recently. It was a good feeling to have my work being so appreciated.

I sometimes despair that I cannot seem to do more than I do. 'd like to be knitting on my machines regularly but I just don't have the energy and besides that it becomes inhibitingly painful rather quickly. Then there is the fact my fingers are not working  very well at all. This makes careful sewing and stitch  manipulation not so easy to do.

Life is still good and full of interest despite the challenges. I guess my physical difficulties prevent me becoming complacent! Perhaps too, I have little time to be bored!

THE GOOD LIFE

Life is going well. 

I appear to be in 'remission' from the worst aspects of my disease(s). By this I mean that the fatigue is vastly reduced and the pain is well controlled with the drugs. This makes it easier to move and enables me to have fuller days. I am back to swimming almost daily. It is two years since I have been able to do that. My weight is going down as a result.

The date for our Civil Partnership is all set. 3pm July 7th 2012. I call it a wedding. (The govt. intend making it full marriage anyway but don't ask me what the differences are!) I have invited all the guests. Our intent has been properly registered.

I have booked a suite in Frankfurt, Germany as our wedding treat. Sunday8th to Sunday 15th, with Monday to Saturday in the suite. It's a 'Sky Suite', a high rise room, with city views. I will not go near the balcony probably but John  will like it. The hotel is central in walking distance of shopping and museums and galleries.

I am very pleased with Mary-Grace's litter. I sold the only female, a very good one, to my friend for showing. I will leave it to her as to when it becomes public knowledge. i have kept two males, Chase and Christophe. I prefer Chase but Christophe is also very promising. I kept both so as to see how they develop. I will sell Christophe as a pet or a show dog when he is over 6 months and it is easier to see how he has developed. Both move every well and have excellent movement tho they are of different style.

I have sold yarn well. I have not made much effort to do so as I have been so busy with the litter. I have only one sleeve left to knit on my cashmere/silk sweater.

We have had much snow here with more forecast. It is very cold, with temps going down to -10c tomorrow night.

Today I have been listening to a woman called Devil Doll. I really like her forthright style. Big band/rock type songs with guts and power and sometimes 4 letter lyrics! It's different and she has a powerful voice.

IMPRESSED AT LAST!

I had a phone call to tell me that I was now registered with the Doctor I wanted - John's. I felt quite confident she would take me on despite having a closed list. In my letter I decided not say anything about the Doctor I didn't want to stay with but rather made it seem the problem was entirely mine. I feel a tinge of guilt as I always do when I find I have to cut a person out of my life. However, as I am a frequent flyer with the Doctor and have serious issues, I need to feel safe and comfortable with the Doctor I have. Sorted.

Today's swim was dreadful. I got there late to start with because of a traffic jam. Then I found my swim very painful and I eventually had to stop and try and get my neck moving. It worked and seemed to release the nerves that were sending burning sensations down both arms and across my chest. Briefly I felt panic wondering if this was my heart but soon realised that if was and I carried on swimming, I'd get worse not better!

I was delighted to watch John's face as he listened to his classical on vinyl over the weekend. He is very impressed with the record player I bought him. He has much that has never been put on cd so he is happy now he can play it and he said the sound is best he has ever heard. Now, if you knew John you would know that he rarely says anything other than 'it's alright',(makes me want to hit him at times!), so when he does say something other one knows he is really impressed.

I have the urge for machine knitting this week. I might knit a sweater and I might also knit up some un-dyed sock yarn and dye some 'sock blanks'.

I hate eating first thing. I do eat breakfast when on holiday, a large one. I then don't eat again until late afternoon, sometimes evening. No idea why it doesn't turn me off when I am away. I am going to try to eat breakfast here. I certainly won't be doing so before I go swimming nor when I first get up but I might eat around 10am instead of waiting until 12 or so.

EVOLVED FOR LOVE?

We went out to Queensgate Mall in Peterborough. I could not resist photographing this hostess trolley type thing. It is foul, tacky, tasteless. Painted silver AND they wanted £595 for it.

Then I saw this Top Man and had it not been for my meds, my blood would have boiled! Really, this seam is a disgrace. I am sure it will sell and the buyer will not care or notice. I am sure though that if they see GOOD seaming, they will realise how they are being ripped off. Don't think that big money will mean good finishing. I went into a very famous designer's boutique and personally handled and examined a sweater selling at €1200. It had loose threads hanging, wonky seams. Appalling. I would have binned it had I made such a bad job of finishing.

To be fair, I see bad finishing in knitting magazines too, often on the front page.

Finishing is of the utmost importance. If you have spent many hours knitting a garment you don't want to ruin it by shoddy finishing. I read many people writing how they hate to finish and I wonder why they knit in the first place. Sewing is part of good knitting. Don't want to do it? Don't knit. Find a different hobby. Sometimes it is just fear that makes some avoid finishing. It really is a simple process. It takes time but time very well spent. No need to fear it. Doing a good job does not require you to be supper talented. It just requires that you commit, be patient and take pride in your work.

I really like the two shirts below. The one on the right is the most expensive I have ever bought but it is simply beautiful, not just in look but handle too. The green jacket was expensive but I got it on sale. I would not have paid the original asking price which was 5 times the sale price! It was bought in Engelhorn, a store in Mannheim, Germany.

The brown jungle like shirt was reasonably priced and is very much my type of design. Has an African look to me. Interestingly the front left and front right are pleated which adds to the appeal of this shirt.

I may have some exciting doggy news very shortly.

Life is still a challenge. I guess it is for us all regardless. I mean that my disease is more of a challenge to deal with recently. A symptom I had a few years ago is back. Moderate to severe pain down both arms and across my chest. This symptom originally caused concern for my heart and I was treated as if I was having a heart attack 3 times until the last heart surgeon took some notice of me and realised that my pain was not my heart but something else - my spine. He noticed how I moved and how did not turn my head but my whole body when I needed to see to my sides. Anyway, not even I knew I didn't move properly. I had had the problems for years and I had adapted without realising I had a problem. i was aware of odd things-numb hands, poor balance, sudden pain, cramps, eye sight disturbance but it was all erratic and mild and I did not think I could go to a Dr with what sounded like a hypochondriac's complaints. I did not have good Dr's then. When I changed 12 years ago, my new Dr saw straight away that I had physical problems.

I have typed this by hand, slowly and with one finger. Other times, I just could not. There was a time I type 80wpm but no longer. I mainly use voice recognition software to type for me. Today I wanted to type myself.

We were only out for 90mins today yet the dogs greeted our return as if we had left them days ago. Then I put them all in the garden and was moved to joy as I watched the gambol about, tails wagging, creating each other. After a while I called out 'do you lot want dinner?' and they came flying past me into the kitchen, got into their cages and waited, with Luque and Whitney and Pussy howling until they got theirs. Such a pleasure I tell you. My dogs give me so much. I am certain that without them I'd be far more disabled, further along in the disease's progression. I'd have no reason to get up in the morning. No matter how bad I feel, I do it. The occasions when getting upright was a challenge too far, fortune has meant John was home to ;let the dogs out, give me my drugs so that I could get up once they took effect.

Dogs fascinate me. They are a completely different species from us. Some say they are parasitic and evolved their curtness so as to appeal to us, stroke our egos, just so we feed them and thus their species survives. Really? It certainly does not seem like that to me. I don't have a different idea about why but that reasoning just doesn't gel with me. I have lived with dogs for 40 or more years and know that they feel, not just physically, but emotionally, and that they think. One of my dogs, Whitney, waits by the door when I am out but John is in. She also will not eat when away from me. I don't really see how pining is just an evolutionary thing. To what end?

HOW I DO IT

Basket Case

John's Basket Case socks. Knitted on 2.25mm needles. The yarn is a tweed yarn-66% Merino and 34% Sw Merino, 400m to 100g.

Knitted toe up using the Andersson Construction Method with a 1x1 ribbed gusset and the Andersson Heel Mach II.

The pattern is simple. 4x4 rib alternated every 4th round.

NEW HORIZONS

This is the first thing I have ever crocheted. It is a scarf/stole for my friend Dawn. I am undecided if I shall leave it as it is, corrugated look, or block it when it is done. The yarn is my own Knitman's Kitchen yarn, 50/50 Sw Merino / Tencel at 800m /100g, Lace weight.

I have tired of knitting socks for now! I have decided to to knit another machine sweater. I was messing about the other day and just did a small test to try something out and have decided it would make a nice sweater, so I am going to make one.Just an ordinary 4ply wool sweater, in Fair Isle. Or to be more precise, in a two colour pattern. (Precision for the knitting police who will point out that Fair isle only comes from Fair Isle and is in hand knitted in Shetland!)



I started a new drug on Thursday night, Gabapentin. It is a nerve blocker. Meaning it stops the pain message getting to my brain. So far it has worked very well. I was able to swim without pain this morning. I am however, in pain now, in my neck and shoulders. This pain is not common as it is usually my joints, especially hips. It is too soon to tell if this drug is going to help but the last 4 days have been unusually good. I won't really know until I have swum at least 3 days this week. THAT will tell me. The good thing is this drug can be built up to as much as 3000mg a day and I am only on 100mg right now. No side effects either that I am aware of.

I will be keeping Fin, Pussy and Plenty from Whitney's litter. I am so pleased without his litter. I am so glad I followed my gut. If I had listened to my head, I would not have used the sire.

Christopher, now called Bear, went to his new home on Saturday, with Tim and Jenny and family. Holly went to her new home with Linda, Whitney's breeder, on Sunday. I only have Dr No (Marten) to find a home for now. Waldo is still here too!

My shows start this month and I am looking forward to starting up again. Mary-Grace is a stunner. Then Winston will follow after May 15th and after 7th July, the other three. Though of course not all at once!

I am undecided as to what to do with Whitney. I do not mean parting with her as that is never going to happen. I mean as regards her retirement. I am thinking this might well be permanent retirement. She is BISS Ch Polielins Whitney with Tantra JW 10cc, 8RCC, G3, G4, BISS. Top Winning Lhasa Apso 2009 Her last show she went BIS. So I think that is a good record to leave standing for her. Retire her at the top. I know she is only 3 and has now really mature well after having this litter, better than ever. Perhaps though it is time to move forward with her offspring and Mary-Grace and Winston.

I am very impressed with the new Adele album, 21. What a voice! Such a mature young woman.

Posted by Knitman

LIFE AS IT HAPPENS

KNITTING

I have just one sleeve left to do on John’s cashmere/cotton sweater and I think I may get that finished today. 

I have also been knitting a swatch on 4.5 mm needles for a twisted stitch sweater.  The swatches 121 stitches wide and I shall probably knit another 10 or so rows before I remove it wash it and measure it.

DOGS

Wendell went to his new home with the lovely Tracey on Saturday and I know that he is going to have a wonderful life with her.  Waldo has yet to find a home but he will.  I never worry about my puppies being sold, the right home always comes along.

Winston, who we are keeping, went into town yesterday afternoon and he reacted to it all very well.  He wanted to meet all the people he saw and the dogs and the only hesitation he showed was when he wanted to bound along and discovered that the lead would not allow that!

Whitney’s puppies are doing extremely well.  They are 17 days old today.  On Saturday I did get rather concerned because they were dirty and smelly and Whitney did not appear to be interested in keeping them clean.  Since they were born she has not been particularly good at keeping them clean and I have often had to do that myself but on Saturday I was concerned that something was wrong and I got really worried and upset about it.  However, she and they settled and by Saturday evening they were all perfectly clean and they still are so it seems that finally she’s figured out what she is supposed to do. I did try butter on the bum trick but it didn’t work.  She came to cleaning them up on her own.  They are fat and warm.

What I find very interesting is that the three black girls all look the same and are probably like Whitney for type.  However the three boys do not look like the girls at all and they don’t look like each other! Apart from one of the boys which is an obvious no-no as regards keeping, the other two boys look interesting but don’t look like anything I’ve ever had before so I will basically have to wait as they get older and see what happens.

HEALTH

My body is not doing particularly well and I am wondering if I have now gone down another rung on the ladder in the progression of my disease.  I have had to use a stick in the house for a little while now and I have never had to do that before.  I find I cannot rise off the settee or out of bed without it and I need to use it as I walk around to balance me. I have also been really exhausted.  It has just come to my mind that this plunge coincided with me also having the flu so perhaps that is the only reason and I will improve again.  It certainly may explain how tired and weak I feel and the need for the stick.

I started back at the swimming pool last week but I only went twice because I just could not manage it again.  I went this morning and it was the better of the now three swims that I’ve had.  It remains to be seen how I feel later today or more importantly tomorrow morning.

I’m certain I have said before that the pain part I can deal with and I accept it easily, drugs dial it down. (if you are like me you would expect that painkillers do precisely that-kill pain.They do not.  Even the morphine, which is good, does not get rid of pain altogether.)  The part I find the most frustrating and that can get me down is the fatigue-the inability to do what I want to do, when I want to do it! Sometimes even sitting and hand-knitting is too much effort.  However, I can still do all sorts of things and it could be a lot worse so…

I COULD SQUEAL

....and jump up and down and a jig if I could.

This year started off really well.

Not only is our battle with the IRS over but THEY are going to give US a sum well into five figures. We still have the legal do do of having to get the legal claim on our house removed and also clear John's credit rating. At least though it will all be done.

Not only that, but the death of two people also gave us unexpected five figure sums each. Don't feel bad they were in their 90s and went peacefully.

My failed knitting business, because of my health, left me with a lot of debt. And I mean a lot. Anyone who knows how much brand-new silver reed machines with rivers cost etc. plus tonnes of cashmere and other fine yarns.
Fortunately the knitting business debt was paid off last year. This was a huge load off my mind because I felt so guilty about it. John never once commented about the thousands of pounds worth of machinery and yarn that I had that I now could not use to get my money back. He is really good that way. I beat myself up enough for the pair of us!

I am now in the very fortunate position of being able to knit what I please, as my body allows, and still sell the odd sweater and my hand dyed yarn.

John retires in 18 months and we shall be debt free! ( This also means I can marry him without my good financial history being ruined too.)

As I said 2011 is going to be a good year!

Our wedding is likely to be March 2012. Before our 32nd anniversary on 7/7. John doesn’t like to rush things, he needs to sure…..

MORE SOCKS

IF YOU CLICK ON EACH PICTURE, YARN INFORMATION AND KNITTING INFORMATION IS VISIBLE.

EARLY LOSS OF SPOONS

It was a very sunny and frosty morning.  I discovered that my new car does something else that is really good – it defrosts within seconds! I just pressed the button and the ice on the windscreen started to melt and we were soon on our way to the train station so John was not late.

After dropping John off at the station I drove to the swimming pool where I did my swim.  It went well but I felt like I was trying to move through treacle when I stopped and tried to get out of the pool.  By the time I got home I was feeling very weak and was not even up to knitting.  It seems my spoons just disappeared.  I had a two-hour nap and have fed the dogs now and am about to bath Whitney.

I have not been to a dog show since Leeds back in July and am now quite itching to go to one.  It is still a few more weeks before I have a show to go to.  I needed the rest.

John and I both go for our flu jabs this coming Saturday. We were supposed to go on October 16 but I completely forgot!

I have ordered some new yarn all Blue Faced Leicester-based yarns, with nylon, which silk and cashmere, with silk, with bamboo. I am looking forward to dyeing these.

Both of my Passap machines with motors have now gone.  Although my knitting room is not yet ready there is now plenty of room in it.  I still have setup with their motors a Brother 940 and a Silver Read fine gauge.  I had to make a decision about which machines to keep and I reluctantly came to the realisation that the Passaps were just too much for me to use now.  I also realise that I tend to prefer single bed sweaters nowadays and if I want to do Double Jacquard I can do it on the machines that I have. Along with this machinery has gone 25 sacks of yarn.  I still have loads left.

I am feeling much better about it all now that it is done and I am looking forward to getting to work on some knitting on the two machines I have left.

I have been reading about the Paleo Diet, how our ancestors used to eat.  I already eat this way but it was interesting to have an explanation for why I cannot handle grains, beans and potatoes. And why I was so ill and fat when I was a vegetarian for all of those years! Simply put, there are proteins in all of these which the body has trouble in breaking down and they irritate the stomach and gut lining causing inflammation.  Very probably I have not explained it properly but that was the general gist.

Years ago, I mentioned on the latest I was on which had absolutely nothing to do with food, how I felt all the time, how I was hungry all the time, how I had the shits all the time, and how lethargic I was.  I  had four responses and all for suggested the exact same thing; a low carb diet.  NO WAY!  I was vegetarian.  I ignored the advice until I really decided I had to do something or die.  I stopped being a vegetarian.  I cut out all grains and beans and potatoes.  I started to eat only fish and poultry and meat and vegetables.  As I was warned I felt terrible for the first few days.  I had not told John what I was doing and when I went to pick him up at the station that Friday after I had been on the diet for seven days, the first thing he said to me was ’you look really well what have you been up to?’ I told him.I lost 100lbs in weight and even though I do not always stick to it I have managed to keep it off.  My big temptations are ice cream and bread.  Bread really does my gut in.

This way of eating is not hard at all at home.  Preparing food is quick.  It is fast food! one can cook a really nutritious and healthy meal very quickly like within 10 minutes.  However, it is not quite so easy when away from home as all food suppliers seem to think that we all want pasta! Try buying a ready-made salad that is not stuffed full of pasta or potato! It really pisses me off. often one can find cooked chicken and if one is really pushed then just buy a Whopper or two and just eat the inside and throw the bun away. Nuts are a reasonable option as well.

ACCEPTANCE

I mentioned on a knitting machine list and on Facebook that I am dumping a whole load of yarn and I really regret doing so.  Despite the fact of some people already knowing, and  me reminding others that I have a physical problem and therefore cannot use this, I am still getting horrified comments.

I am too ill to use this stuff.  I am never going to get better.  In fact I am going to get worse.  I do not need a mountain of yarn taunting me everyday and clogging up my house. 

I tried to sell this stuff I no one was interested. Now it seems everyone wants it. It is too late.

I am glad to be free of this and I have not even finished yet.  The car is loaded and is off to the tip very soon.  Then it will be loaded again.  And again.  And maybe even again.

I am keeping my  cashmere and llama and silk mixes.  All the luxurious stuff and the four ply wool. All the very fine (thin) stuff is being dumped.  As lovely as this yarn is by the time I will have wound it suitable for knitting I will be too knackered to actually knit.

I may look all right but I am not.  It is obvious that I use sticks to walk. I can’t even do that very long so when I go out shopping I use an electric wheelchair, of which I have two.  Perhaps it is not obvious that every single thing that I do hurts and tires me.  Whether it be making a coffee, grooming a dog, getting dressed or undressed (which is why I am mainly seen in my “loungewear”), knitting at a knitting machine even with a motor. I don’t like to go on about my disease but it seems the drawback to this is that people do not have a clue and make remarks that I find hurtful.

Do you really think that dumping this yarn is easy for me?  Surely any serious knitter and yarn connoisseur doesn’t need to be told that this is a painful and sad thing for me to be doing.  It is as difficult for me as it was to have Nechung put to sleep last Monday.

Doing this is me accepting my physical degeneration after years of keeping my yarn mountain kidding myself that one day I was going to find a way of getting back into full-time designing knitting and selling. 

My mind and my desire have not degenerated and in fact I am more creative now than I ever was and as I sorted through my yarn mountain I had to keep the ideas at bay, close my mind to it and just dump.

I am also going to rid myself of a couple of machines in my knitting room itself.  Probably the Passap E6000 and Duo 80, both with motors.  I find these the most challenging machines to use with my condition.  They also take up the most room.  Once I have more room I am sure that I will spend more time with the machines that are left.

I am sure, by the way,that no one set out to hurt my feelings.  I know that they did not.  All of this is wrapped up with me just accepting the limitations that my disease has put upon me.  It seems to me that the last few weeks since my holiday has all been about this.  I was watching something on the TV about Peru, a place I want to visit, and I realised that I never will. Many of the places I would like to see are now not possible.  Not even Paris! Nor London! Yes I know that by law they are supposed to be accessible to handicapped people.  The law is not followed.  Anyway the point is that it is not just for now that I can’t visit these places.  It is for ever.  I will NEVER be able to.  In just the same way I will never get back to designing and knitting in the way that I used to.

I do not give up easily.  Having realised on our recent German holiday that Barcelona was out of the question I have since done my research and have discovered that there is indeed a way for us to do Barcelona that will not kill me.  We can get the Eurostar all the way to Avignon where I will hire a car and drive on to Barcelona 260 miles away.  A week later we will get the Eurostar back to England.  Not only that, wheelchair users and their carer, get very cheap tickets! Where there is a will there is a way. Now,it would seem that the train will open up more places for us to be able to visit.

I am an optimistic person and I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself.  However, just like everybody else, I need time to adjust to things.  I am not perfect.  I am not at all happy with my physical degeneration but there is fuck all I can do about it.I am going through an adjustment and mourning period and I really don’t need people to be on my back over it.

Just a few facts: pain is tiring.  The drugs do not get rid of 100% of the pain.  The drugs do not deal with fatigue.  For me to be able to do a dog show, I take a minimum of 24 pills, the combination of several different drugs, for my heart, my gut, my liver, my brain, and pain killers-paracetamol, tramadol, and morphine.  I need a full two days to recover from a dog show.

I neither expect nor want people to fuss over me. I hate that.  If I need help I will ask for it.  I am not too proud to ask for help when I need it.  What I do not need is people on my back over the things I have to do or the things I cannot do.  I may dress well and look well but you will just have to accept the fact that I am not.

THRESHOLD

I had an uncomfortable night with pain but I still got up at 6:30 AM.I took my normal pills and I wondered if I would actually go swimming.  After I had done my banking and e-mails I was still feeling very sore took some more morphine.  This means that I took double the usual amount.

By the time I got to the pool I was feeling okay.  The real surprise came when I got into the pool.  As soon as I started to swim I felt no pain or strain at all.  Only at the end of my 50 min swim did I feel as though I had been doing something though I was still not sore, just a little discomfort in my left thigh and hip.

It seems to me that what I have considered normal, the pain and strain I normally experience when I start to swim which I get used to the longer I swim, is perhaps not normal after all.  I am thinking this because the double dose stopped it.

I do not intend making a habit of taking a double dose.  I can cope quite well with one dose but at least I now know that on really difficult days all I have to do is take double.

John, my friends, and my doctor, all think I have a high pain tolerance.  I do not know if I do or don’t.  I certainly know that it took me an awful long time to take paracetamol and tramadol as a matter of course to stop the pain building up.  I found it very difficult to do because it felt wrong to take painkillers when I wasn’t in serious pain. I learned the logic of it though.  By taking a regular amount of drugs it stops the pain building up. As a result one needs less medication to do the job.  I also found out that constant pain causes nerve damage and makes it much more difficult to treat.

With the morphine I am never sure whether I am just mentally feeling better for taking it or am I mentally feeling better because I am physically feeling better?  As I write this I now remember that on our holiday when we were in Nuremberg I felt really sore and ill late afternoon on the Saturday.I took my morphine and although within half an hour the pain had subsided I actually still felt ill so other than dialling down the pain it did not make me feel any better and we went back to the hotel.  This is one of the benefits of writing – one can often answer one’s own question!

I did some dyeing last night and I have done some this morning.  When they are dry I will photograph them and post them.

I have found a gardener with very reasonable rates.  I cannot do the garden myself and John works all week and is tired at the weekend so he can well do without having to do something like the gardening. The man I asked to come and give me a quote for clearing up the garden also told me that he will come every two weeks to keep it in order and his fee is one we can afford.I was surprised at how low it was.  With the strange weather we have had, whereas normally the weeds and grass will not be growing now, both have overtaken the garden and it is now just too much work and because it is so wet there is little point in spraying poison on the weeds because it has to be dry for a least 12 hours after spraying.  We use a non-toxic to animals and humans spray.

I am thinking of closing my Yahoo group which was set up with the intention of teaching people my sock construction method.  It has 700 members but very little traffic.  It is not being used for the reason it was set up.  It would seem that I am not a good teacher and people do not understand either the method or my responses when I answer questions.  Matters are made worse by people answering questions when they do not know my method themselves which of course just adds confusion and frustration and I am the one who gets blamed for it.  I am very disappointed that it has turned out like this. My method is really very simple (even saying this has led to accusations that I think other people are stupid for not understanding when my intention was to help them stop thinking that they are too stupid to understand! It seems one cannot win no matter what one does or says!) and it produces a very well fitting sock and I really thought others would appreciate this and would jump at the chance of being set free from patterns.

However, it seems that people do not want that because I am constantly asked what the formula is or where is the pattern no matter how many times I explain that this is a method and there is no formula or pattern.

I will think upon this but this is how I feel today. When people ask for toe up patterns on other sock lists they are rarely, if ever, directed toward my method.  I am quite certain that if any of the Knitting Queens had developed this method people would be falling over themselves for it.  I could of course be quite wrong. My experience on knitting lists over the years has been that often my answers to questions have been ignored or contradicted yet when a well-known female knitter has responded with the exact same answer the response is entirely different. A standout example of this is when people ask how to deal with cashmere.  Often my response is completely dismissed with one questioner being very blunt: is there someone else with a more sensible answer?  My 30 years of knitting dismissed in a sentence. (I once had the temerity to point this attitude toward me out on a list which resulted in a very unpleasant response and an accusation of misogyny! The accusation made no sense whatsoever but the response rather showed that I was hardly mistaken in my interpretation!)

Oh dear!  Is this Grumpy Old Man syndrome?

STRANGE FOLK

Whilst I was away three people decided to choose then to upset me!  It is bad enough that they would choose to do this let alone whilst they knew I was on holiday.

One of them wrote on my Facebook wall how I should stop thinking that everyone is out to get me! Writing such nonsense on my wall is inappropriate enough but to do so when she clearly does not know me was just offensive.  Anyone who reads my blog and my e-mails know that I’m a positive optimistic person.  Quite what possessed her to write this I do not know.  I deleted it and I also de-friended her. For my trouble I then got an indignant e-mail from her! No, of course she did not look at what she’d written and thought she may have been wrong!

And then another Facebook person who got rather offensive.  Quite what a person with such bigoted religious views is doing following me I have no idea since it is clear where I stand.  One of the things that she berated me for was the use of Xtian instead of Christian. X is a symbol for Christ and has been for a very long time! The rest of her diatribe was equally based on her ignorance. She seemed completely unaware that we in Britain have been subject to terrorist attacks for 40 odd years, both from Muslims and the IRA.  She also seemed unaware that the IRA were supported financially by fundraising in the USA! This paid for the weapons they then used against us!

Finally, another person insisted on sending me anti-Muslim rhetoric which I had asked several times that she stopped doing.  She had no respect for me as was clearly shown by the fact that she continued to send me such posts.  I took her off my Facebook list, explaining why.  I had hoped that that was the end of it but then she started to harass me via my private e-mail.  I then remembered that I could block e-mail from people that I do not want to receive e-mail from.

This last person is the one that I feel regret about.  Do not misunderstand me I did the right thing in blocking her.  I just regret that she became irrational and that I had to block her.  I know that her health is not good at all.  We spoke quite a lot about her health and I tried to help her as best as I could regarding drugs.  She was prescribed drugs that I take and she was frightened to take them and I tried to reassure her.  I am sad that it had to end the way that it did.

I still am most surprised that all three of these people chose to attack me whilst I was on holiday.  I do not like to think so but this seems to me that it may well have been calculated.

One thing that irks me! I am generally a positive and optimistic person.  On the odd occasion when I have had enough of my physical pain and fatigue, and I choose to bitch about it in print, it almost always results in me being told off and having someone tell me I should not be so negative!!! WTF is it with some people? I am quite certain that if these people experienced 24/7 pain and fatigue we would not hear the end of it! Grrr!

I believe that I’m an easy-going person and I tolerate quite a lot.  However, I will not be disrespected and I will not be abused.  I have not come out of the dark hole I was in with the same willingness to accept abuse and disrespect! HTF do you think I got out of that hole?

I was asleep by 11 PM last night and I did not get up until eight today. I slept really well and painlessly. I cannot recall the last time I slept like that.  To day I have been knitting John’s cashmere/silk sweater.  I think I am going to have a period of machine knitting.  I have not been into it for quite some time and I realise I need the change from handknitting in order to get my Mojo going again.