I mentioned on a knitting machine list and on Facebook that I am dumping a whole load of yarn and I really regret doing so. Despite the fact of some people already knowing, and me reminding others that I have a physical problem and therefore cannot use this, I am still getting horrified comments.
I am too ill to use this stuff. I am never going to get better. In fact I am going to get worse. I do not need a mountain of yarn taunting me everyday and clogging up my house.
I tried to sell this stuff I no one was interested. Now it seems everyone wants it. It is too late.
I am glad to be free of this and I have not even finished yet. The car is loaded and is off to the tip very soon. Then it will be loaded again. And again. And maybe even again.
I am keeping my cashmere and llama and silk mixes. All the luxurious stuff and the four ply wool. All the very fine (thin) stuff is being dumped. As lovely as this yarn is by the time I will have wound it suitable for knitting I will be too knackered to actually knit.
I may look all right but I am not. It is obvious that I use sticks to walk. I can’t even do that very long so when I go out shopping I use an electric wheelchair, of which I have two. Perhaps it is not obvious that every single thing that I do hurts and tires me. Whether it be making a coffee, grooming a dog, getting dressed or undressed (which is why I am mainly seen in my “loungewear”), knitting at a knitting machine even with a motor. I don’t like to go on about my disease but it seems the drawback to this is that people do not have a clue and make remarks that I find hurtful.
Do you really think that dumping this yarn is easy for me? Surely any serious knitter and yarn connoisseur doesn’t need to be told that this is a painful and sad thing for me to be doing. It is as difficult for me as it was to have Nechung put to sleep last Monday.
Doing this is me accepting my physical degeneration after years of keeping my yarn mountain kidding myself that one day I was going to find a way of getting back into full-time designing knitting and selling.
My mind and my desire have not degenerated and in fact I am more creative now than I ever was and as I sorted through my yarn mountain I had to keep the ideas at bay, close my mind to it and just dump.
I am also going to rid myself of a couple of machines in my knitting room itself. Probably the Passap E6000 and Duo 80, both with motors. I find these the most challenging machines to use with my condition. They also take up the most room. Once I have more room I am sure that I will spend more time with the machines that are left.
I am sure, by the way,that no one set out to hurt my feelings. I know that they did not. All of this is wrapped up with me just accepting the limitations that my disease has put upon me. It seems to me that the last few weeks since my holiday has all been about this. I was watching something on the TV about Peru, a place I want to visit, and I realised that I never will. Many of the places I would like to see are now not possible. Not even Paris! Nor London! Yes I know that by law they are supposed to be accessible to handicapped people. The law is not followed. Anyway the point is that it is not just for now that I can’t visit these places. It is for ever. I will NEVER be able to. In just the same way I will never get back to designing and knitting in the way that I used to.
I do not give up easily. Having realised on our recent German holiday that Barcelona was out of the question I have since done my research and have discovered that there is indeed a way for us to do Barcelona that will not kill me. We can get the Eurostar all the way to Avignon where I will hire a car and drive on to Barcelona 260 miles away. A week later we will get the Eurostar back to England. Not only that, wheelchair users and their carer, get very cheap tickets! Where there is a will there is a way. Now,it would seem that the train will open up more places for us to be able to visit.
I am an optimistic person and I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself. However, just like everybody else, I need time to adjust to things. I am not perfect. I am not at all happy with my physical degeneration but there is fuck all I can do about it.I am going through an adjustment and mourning period and I really don’t need people to be on my back over it.
Just a few facts: pain is tiring. The drugs do not get rid of 100% of the pain. The drugs do not deal with fatigue. For me to be able to do a dog show, I take a minimum of 24 pills, the combination of several different drugs, for my heart, my gut, my liver, my brain, and pain killers-paracetamol, tramadol, and morphine. I need a full two days to recover from a dog show.
I neither expect nor want people to fuss over me. I hate that. If I need help I will ask for it. I am not too proud to ask for help when I need it. What I do not need is people on my back over the things I have to do or the things I cannot do. I may dress well and look well but you will just have to accept the fact that I am not.
11 comments:
just a thought - would a local yarn shop sell it for you on consignment?
I need to get rid of some (tons) of yarn, too. You're an inspiration!
I may be following your lead soon on the yarn, Colin, so I've a good idea how that feels. I was in the business of trying to rework thin yarns into something people could use via my spinning wheel, but I found that no matter how hard I worked, or how nice the stuff was, no one was buying. So, I have quietly decided to quit the business, and slowly get rid of all but the best stuff. Perhaps I will make a stab at having a yard sale in the spring, unless I get too impatient for that and decide to send it off to the "tip," as you have done.
A lot of my failure in business has to do with my not having a clue on how to promote myself. And the times I did have clue, and tried, the response was, more or less, who do you think you are? This has haunted me throughout my life, in every creative venture I have undertaken: writing, music, and now my yarn-related stuff.
Enough. I will now knit, spin, dye, write, sing because I want to, and for whom I want to. I cannot begin to make a living on any of it, so I'm working at cutting my losses.
I signed on full-time at work finally, and promptly went from working 6.5 hour shifts to 9 hour shifts, and usually 4 or 5 hours on Saturdays. I like what I do -- assembling electrical cables and harnesses for control panels -- but there isn't a lot of time left at the end of the day for anything else. I'm making the adjustment slowly, but for the moment I'm more tired than I have ever been in my life, except for the time when my thyroid was going wonky, and that was fatigue beyond fatigue. Couldn't even lift a piece of knitting at that point.
I can listen to music on my headphones at work, which is lovely. I do need to have music at all times, and when I'm not in the mood for that, I can listen to audio books. The pay isn't very good, but I'm five minutes from home, so not wasting half my earnings on commuting costs.
But it makes me sad and angry that it's so difficult to make it as an artist of any kind. I guess it's always been that way, but now, more than ever, the arts are "supposed to be" done out of love for it, and society will never be willing to pay what it's worth.
I'd love to be able to earn a living doing something creative that I'm good at, but if that's not to be, then I'm thankful for my factory job. I can still dream and do stuff, without tearing my hair out over finances.
So, there's been a loss going on here, too. None of my health issues are anywhere near as rough as yours, but as my feet, knees, and hips get worse, I'm carrying a stick, too, and far more often than I would like to. Traveling really kicks the shite out of me. I'm still recovering, actually, from my trip to Minnesota last week. Nothing like sitting in a plane to put me in a state of living rigor mortis. But I had fun on the trip, do not intend to stop traveling, and am not complaining.
Our weather is changing, too, and that always gives me some joint woes.
Even without major illness to compound it, it's so hard to let go of things that were a huge part of one's life, and so tied to one's identity. Transition = getting squashed through the birth canal of life yet again, though at adult size, and good God, it seems the canal just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Will my head even fit in there this time? But I need to make this transition. Ouch.
Love you, Colin. Hang in there, and know I'm still reading here, even if I don't always have time to say anything.
When we moved into the apartment, I gave a boatload of yarn to a local charity. They had no idea what they had and equated it to the discount store stuff they're used to. They're having fun, but I shiver to think both of what's being made of it and how it will fare when laundered. I'm no so sure that your approach isn't the better one.
You know Colin, you have to do what is right for you and you alone. I say f**k them if they don't understand. If I was over there I'd come and help you! No one wants to throw away what they have collected over a lifetime. I just got rid of all my fabric as I knew I wasn't going to use it ever! I had to force it on a friend by packing it up and putting it in her car. I will always support you from afar my friend.
Michele
My dear Daddy always said, "Never judge another person's actions until you have walked a mile in their shoes," and then he would add, "Never judge another person period."
I know how you feel as I am having to give up doing most of my art. I can only do small amounts now. I can only do a small amount of knitting too. I gave away lots of my yarn a while ago.
I also know what you mean about planning and hoping that things will improve and then they don't
Just do what you feel able to do and what you can enjoy doing and don't listen to people who don't understand
Man, I can relate! hugs to you, Colin
I know how you feel . Luckily my back injury still Lets me knit but the inability to do what I want is a pain. I walk with a stick for short distances but have to use the wheel chair most of the time . It is amazing to me how invisible you are in the chair. I have also just found out I was given hep c in hospital from a blood transfusion.Life can be hard
Just this past summer I decided to clear out a lot of my craft materials, including some yarns (that hurt but I kept all the sock yarns!). I used to do some woodworking as well but since my RA has advanced I have had to face the reality that I cannot do it all any longer. I had already given up artist shows a few years ago because it is just too exhausting trying to get together the body of work/product needed for that, let alone the days of the show itself. It just sapped my strength to the point I couldn't do anything for days after and in fact couldn't even drive myself home.
So I had to make some decisions based on the reality of my abilities and not what I thought I could do "when I got better". After quite a few years I realize that's not going to happen, I will always have RA and there will be ups and downs with it, but it marches on. I am on a lot of drugs which do help greatly and am fortunate to have a good drug plan, unlike so many people wtih a chronic disease.
It actually felt quite freeing once I started getting rid of things that have been staring at me for ages. I thought it would make me feel bad but I actually feel less pressured and there's a lot more room in my studio. I love to knit and for now that's my main creative outlet as well as good exercise for my hands. I knit socks mostly, and use your method, the best one around.
The biggest difficulty I had and continue to have is with some friends and family who think that I've "given up or am giving in to the disease". That's quite hurtful really especially when some of these people are quite close and have seen me struggle for some time trying to do it all. I have to keep explaining that it's not giving up, it's adjusting to my new reality, MY new normal.
All of this to say, Colin, that I have some idea of how it felt to toss all that stuff and the journey to get to that point. I read your blog all the time, love your humour, and your socks and method are an inspiration. All the best.
It is very difficult to have to dispose of things you have had for a long time. I understand that (I need to do it one day -- just not quite yet). I keep thinking I will leave it to my survivors to deal with -- LOL!!
It is very sad that you have to dump all that yarn. If I was closer, I'd take some of it -- as if I need any more! I would also come and help you do the moving of the yarn, as I know it can be tiring too. Surely there is a local craft shop, group or guild that would come and assist? Doing it all yourself is too hard.
I'm sorry to hear that your pain has not lessened. I do know you tend to cope well, but wish there was something more that can be done to help.
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