Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Yak / Merino Cashmere Silk

Both these sweaters were designed by me and knitted on a Brother 940 using the Garter Carriage.

This is a set in sleeve sweater. approx 26"(66cm) wide and 24"(61cm) long. It is 100% YAK hair. Beautiful soft, thick and with a fantastic loft (fuzziness). Hand wash only. It is offered for sale. Sensible offers. PP accepted. email: apso at tantra-apso.com

This is 50% Merino 25% Cashmere and 25% Silk. Approx 28" (71cm) wide. 25" (64cm ) long. Machine washable at 30c gentle cycle or hand wash. Also offered for sale. Sensible offers, PP accepted. email: apso at tantra-apso.com
Any offers will be considered but postage will be added. Postage cost will be advised and it will be your choice as to method of posting - simple mail or signed for mail.

Good Morning

I was speaking with my Dr on the phone last night. We talked about a few things, including the pool. When I told her what was happening, she named the person who I was having the most problem with-the bully. I didn't have to mention her at all. That made me feel much better and less crazy.

I also spoke with a Disability Rights place and they are going to deal with this in a public forum. I am not the only one having or has had problems. They understand completely the covert nature of the bullying and the conspiracy. Again, I felt less crazy.

I decided last night I would not swim to day as I was so tired. However, I awoke at 5am anyway so........off I went to the other pool.

'Good morning. How are you?' from a smiling genuine face.

I was escorted to the pool, my stick was taken and I got in. I was told to let them know when I was done and they would put in the different steps. they did so and stood waiting with my stick until I negotiated my way out. It takes a while because by the time I have swum my mile I am done in and can't move well out of the water.

All this done with courtesy, a genuine smile, and chattiness. I do not have to ask for anything. Even on my way out, as I went to get a drink from the machine, a staff member immediately came over and put my money in the machine and retrieved my drink, to save me having to bend.

Of course the fact that these are fit young men does not add anything to the experience.

Yes, the disabled room is too far from the poolside, it is cold and very basic with a dribbly shower.

Oh but the difference is just amazing. Stress free. Respect. I can be cold for a few minutes. The drive is 18 minutes. It will add about 150 miles to my car each week and about £15($30) to my fuel bill. But it will save me a lot of stress.

I also realise that I have not capitulated, not given in to the bullies. I am taking care of me and they will be taken care by other means.

I find it impossible to understand people like those staff. What mus their insides be like? I know damn well that reducing me to tears will have produced a sense of triumph in them, not shame.
What appalling people.

One thing that is making life a little more difficult right now is that whilst I am more mobile in the lower half, I am in more pain, especially in the top half of me. Whereas swimming made me feel not disabled, now every stroke is painful to varying degrees. My thoracic region hurts most of the time and I cannot sleep for more than a couple of hours without my ribs going into spasm and I have to get up and sit a while before I can sleep again.Interrupted sleep doesn't help me stay positive. Hopefully, this will pass away again like this condition usually does. It quiets down or decides to attack a different part of me. For some reason, along with my upper back and ribs, my finger knuckles are painful. Normally, the pain is mostly lower back and hips and knees and feet and legs. Perhaps it got bored and want a change of address.

I will not stop swimming though as the mental benefits are enormous. It also benefits my heart and of course my weight.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I'm Done

I was so flabbergasted at what happened at the pool this morning I ended up crying in rage and shame.

That is it. I am done. I will not say another word about this. They've won. They are not going to do their job and they will continue to disrespect the people who employ them-the public and will continue to give the finger to the disabled users. I will keep quiet and do my swim. I NEED to do my swim. I do not need the stress.

I have found several things to be absolute bollocks:

You get back what you give out

Treat others with respect and they will do likewise. double bollocks.

It is best to confront those who offend you, quietly, without accusation, and with respect and dignity. They will respond like wise. TRIPLE BOLLOCKS!!! It is precisely why I did not and have not ever said anything to the person who treated me such disdain when we went away(I feel I need to say here that I am not alone in thinking this about my treatment then) I KNOW there is no point at all to that. The response will be denial and more of same. Just like at the pool. Denial denial and more denial. I still can't believe what happened there this morning and worse how I ended up crying in rage and shame.


Back to the pool and other disability issues: I have to just accept the fact that I will continue to be abused, that people will continue to park in our spaces, that they will continue to not see me, push past me, get in front of me, ignore me, speak to me as if I am stupid, continually apologise for no reason, look embarrassed, disgusted and afraid. There is nothing I can do about any of this.

What I can do and must do, is find a way to ignore it all. I cannot deal with this anger about it. Being polite, being friendly, smiling, funny, the clown, none of it works. I can't change who I am and be like them. But I don't have to be be like a f**king puppy dog either wagging my tail at any arsehole. That is it. I will not say another word to them for any reason. I need peace and the only way I am going to get a stress free swim is to ignore them totally.

Sunday, January 27, 2008


These were knitted using one of the Landscape colourways (4257) from Regia, designed by Kaffe Fassett. I used one Hiya Hiya 2mm circular needle. I think this is my best sock yet. I really like the 2mm knitting gauge and the fit is excellent. I just knew when I saw this yarn that it would need a 2mm needle. I knit it toe up, increasing from 52 sts to 80 sts. It is 216 rows from cast on to EZ cast off. A simple 4x4 rib and Andersson Heel.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

ED Convention

I was up early and out early to attend an Eating Disorder convention. I didn't manage to stay the whole day but only left 2 hours early. It was a good day. An excellent reminder of how life used to be and it could still be(if I were not dead) had I not put in the work I needed to do. I still believe I'd rather have the problems I have now, 24/7 pain and all, than go back to an active eating disorder.

People amaze me. Some of them anyway. They really do not seem to look at themselves at all. As an example, I have now had two emails from a person. Nothing odd about that. Both emails were to criticise either my work or expertise as a knitter. Both emails contained a clause about email being a difficult medium in which to be clear and not to offend. In the first, the writer said I ought to know better if I am such an expert on knitting(I have never claimed to be) and ought to know that yarn colourways are not always what the manufacturer says it will be and the second was to criticise the lack of symmetry, in their eyes, in one of my pieces of work. These are the only two emails I have ever had from this person. Nothing positive ever came my way from this person. Personally I don't give a shit what she thinks. What irks me is the lack of honesty and self knowledge they display rather than their opinion. Their need to lash out, their apparent ease with negativity.

Rather like the anonymous sniper I spoke of in the previous post below who supposedly is upfront by leaving an email address-except the email address is anonymous and still no name to their comment. Just how upfront, honest and brave is that?

Today, the people I heard speak know all about self honesty, courage, and suffering. They know about overcoming against all odds. They know about surviving. These are the sort of people I admire. These are the sort of people who have real guts, real courage and who are really worth my time and effort to know and learn from. I know when they speak, they speak from their knowledge and wisdom and whilst what they say might not work for me, it is honest.

Really the types of people I speak of above, the sniper and the criticiser, cannot hold a candle to these people I heard today. Their ages ranged from 20 to 64, both sexes, different shapes and sizes, all at different points along the path to peace. ALL without a doubt had tremendous courage in the face of real life threatening pain. ALL willing to make a change, to look inward. These people make me proud. They produce in me a good feeling about me and about them instead of the feeling of shame I get about those snipers etc, shame for them, not for me.

Yet again, along with the wise and supportive comments I have read here, today, meeting these people and hearing them, reinforces the reasons I like people and have faith in them. The world is not as full of arseholes as it can appear to be!

Reply To Anonymous

"You went to another pool in the past, and from your post of that experience you loved it. So, why are you still going to to the one place that treats you like dirt? Some might say that you just want to have something to complain about. Stop going there and start going to the other pool, even if it is further from the house. And if this comment causes anyone a problem here is my e-mail address: cinmar11@hotmail.com."

The only problem I have with this response is the unnecessary bitchy comment in the middle. It gives a strong hint of an unpleasant motive in writing the comment.

The other pool has several problems: it is 12 miles from home. I would have to be up at 4.45am every day to get there. The disabled changing room is at the back of the others. It is unheated. It has a shower that dribbles. The floor is unclean as well as the loo. Once I have changed, I have to negotiate my way away from the changing area, out into the hall, and thru the main gates again, all in the cold, as it is the only way that is not slippery and wet.

I was willing to go thru this just to have a stress free swim. Until my last swim there, as written about here on my blog, where a large man decided he wanted to swim in the lane I was using and he got belligerent and deliberately kept STANDING in my lane so I bumped into him. The guard stood and watched this happen, and even had a conversation with the man whilst he harassed me!

So BEFORE you decide to judge me and my motives, you ought to know the facts which are all here on my blog. You also ought to know me, which you clearly do not. Perhaps you could look to yourself and what is in you that makes you think that way and why you seem to think it better that people just put up with crap and keep quiet.

Friday, January 25, 2008

That Pool Again

One of the staff is a royal bitch. She is abusive and actively encourages those two ladies who feel I ought not swim in 'their lane'. So if they are so concerned about it, why don't they get into it before I do? They can walk fast! They have ample opportunity and time to get there before me. They don't. Instead they try to intimidate me to move by swimming as close as they can to me.

This morning, the guard I am referring to was stood by the side of the pool chatting with one of the bullies. She saw me. I got in and swam across to the edge where I prefer to swim. Once I got there she screamed at me to get out as she was not yet ready and had to leave the poolside! Once I am in it is not so easy to get out. I get cold very quickly and also I have taken my GTN spray so my head pounds if I don't start to move str8 away. She knows this and she deliberately engineered this episode. I did not leave the pool. I swam with vigour though, I was not a happy bunny.

Worse still, the changing room floor was filthy as it has been all week. I did not complain until today. there was an odd smell, quite whiffy, in there. Today I realised that the trolley bed thing that i put my clothes on was soaked with urine!!!!!!! Okay so now I am upset. i go and get the manger. Nice as he is, he is ineffective.

This whole thing makes me feel bad. Some of the staff, not all, ostracise me for daring to complain about their attitude and lack of service. I go in at 6.30am or 7am (as soon as they open). I always say Good Morning cheerfully, knowing full well they will turn their back on me, look away and ignore me. They swipe my card but don't even look at me. They watch me struggle to get of the pool when I am done and never offer help, they don't even get my stick. Occasionally a member of the public will. I do not expect anyone to help me, I can manage perfectly well on my own as long as people give me time to get myself out.

It makes me wonder if I am at fault. Am I being a Victor Meldrew? A grumpy old man?

I treat people with respect always, regardless of how they treat me. I refuse to allow my behaviour to be dictated by another person's behaviour.

Do I not have the right to be treated with dignity and respect? This has nothing to do with liking or disliking people. I don't know these people and they don't know me. Like has nothing to do with it. Decency and respect have everything to do with it.

Covert bullying such as this is incredibly hard to prove. I know this so well. It is the speciality of all abusive people. DENY DENY AND DENY. So the abusee is the one who appears to be crazy or the abusive one.

Like when I was a kid and I'd get my dad's fist only to be told it never happened! No wonder I have always had so much trouble with knowing what is real and what is not. I was always told my feelings were wrong, my memory was wrong, that I imagined things. That my perceptions were invalid. My feelings were invalid. I saw the elephant and it was huge and dangerous and I was constantly told it wasn't there. And others in authority colluded with this denial too. It was easier for them.

So I was in perpetual fear. Never sure how real I was or how real my surroundings were. Constantly questioning myself and acquiescing to others' reality. My first attempts at speaking out about the abuse were met with a diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia and the cruel drugs they give for that. It was effective. It shut me up.

Other attempts at speaking out resulted in me being demonized.
Literally. Prayer meetings were held to 'deliver' me from the demons. Prayers asking that I be forgiven were the result of telling about the abuse.

Shunning of me was the end result of me trying to survive.

I have no wish to harm anyone. No wish for revenge. I wish nothing but good things for those people. It is evil that caused me to suffer and it has always been illogical to me to wish more evil!
How can any good from that?

I wish for peace. For them and for me. For us all. That is what we all want. It is senseless to think we can find it by wishing bad for others, no matter the provocation.

Oh, I get angry and in that anger I think things I would rather not and would not carry out. It is fleeting. I am human and it would be foolish indeed to pretend otherwise. I am not a saint. I sometimes imagine my car as a weapon!

Yet so much suffering has occurred. It is difficult to leave it be. I don't actively seek the memories and the feelings. they just come. I know that recently the feelings that have come up and out have needed to. They were making me ill and the expression of them has certainly made me ill. I had no choice. they erupted. I could not stop it.

This last 6 years we have had a number of foreign travel trips. I am building good memories. I need to. I want to look back and see sunny times and not this gaping black hole, squirming with anguish and slime and fear and pain and sorrow.

I am tired of it. I have often thought how nice it would be to have my memory wiped. I know in reality that would be awful but still....unless of course one could selectively forget.

I have so much good in my life. John. My number one. My dogs. My knitting. My other gift with which I help others. Financial security. Home security. I am not so disabled I can't fend for myself. I have drugs to alleviate pain. I have a brain that is still able to use the childhood trick of disassociating which does help me deal with my body. I have good friends. I can communicate and I have this wonderful thing called the Internet which really has given me so much.

I know what is done is done. I have felt it. I just wish it would f**k off now and leave me be.

Why does it insist on crawling up to the surface, gripping me with fingers of ice? Why can it not melt away? Evaporate on a breeze?


With many thanks to Carol for leading me to the instructions.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Very Funny

Aran Mistake

I always avoid spelling out the F word. She doesn't. I now know one doesn't have one's blog shut down for writing it out!

Do read it for a laugh.

Thank you to the person who sent me the link. My memory is so awful, I can't recall who it was event hough it was only in the last few minutes I got it!

Aran Front

I am knitting this using Jaeger Shetland Aran. 80% New wool and 20% Alpaca. The needles used are KnitPicks Options 4.5mm. In the picture you can see the cable needle(4" Hiya Hiya 3mm DPN) I was using but I did most of this without bothering to use it! It is my own design. It has set in sleeves.

as graciously pointed by Lynne and not so by Terry Danner, there are two errors in this! Cables turned the wrong way......damn! One can be easily fixed, without ripping back. I'll have to think about the other one.

Oh Bother! Oh Good!

I was on my way to see a therapist to learn a deep relaxation technique. It took my 45 mins to cover the first 12 miles of an 80 mile trip! So I called ahead and it was decided I should turn back and go another day. Like February the 11th. This time I am the last client booked in so it won't matter if the traffic is bad. It was tractors and stuff today! I also realised that the school run ahd started. so not a good time to go.

I am pleased to say that my gut is so much better now. The Colofac really does work. I also did not swim yesterday and I slept a lot. I did swim this morning but slept again from 11am to 1pm.

As you know, I quit drinking Diet Coke. However, it is not the aspartame that causes the problems but the fizz. I get the same discomfort which lasts, even if I drink Perrier. I can drink still drinks even if they have aspartame in them with no consequences.

I had another idiot wanting a puppy this week. I have never had puppies stick this long-they are 15 week sold. I will not sell to idiots or to people who haggle over the price. In fact, as soon as that is mentioned, I tell them I won't sell them a puppy. End of story.

I saw the litter of Miniature Longhaired Dachshunds that my own Tantra's Mouse has had with my friend Lorraine. Three girls(as I correctly predicted) and 1 boy (also as I predicted-4 all together.) I will have one of the two girls, one is red and one is cream. Will make my decision when they are 8 weeks, 3 weeks from tomorrow. Hopefully she will not have inherited the coat eating gene.

I have been taking the pain killers and feel better as a result. No ill effects at all. My gut really has settled with only slight discomfort now and then.

I know I am feeling less stressed because I am sleeping better. Sometimes I sleep in the recliner chair because that does not mean lying on my side which is what causes the ribcage burning pain, which I have discovered is a known effect of arthritis.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I really don't want to be writing negative stuff. I am having a bad time physically. I am off to the Dr again today. The last three nights I have not slept well because of pain. I am fairly convinced my spine and ribcage are inflamed again and the cause is probably the swimming. I didn't go this morning. I decided last evening I wouldn't if my night was bad. I was in bed by 12 and up and in pain by 1am. I fell asleep in the armchair and went to bed at 5am and up at 8am.

I am finding this very wearing. Last Thursday was a crying day and so was yesterday. I don't understand this. I'd have thought enough was enough already.

I can't stop the swimming. It keeps me fit as regards my heart and weight and it helps with my mobility. However, the inflammation it causes of my spine is a royal pain. On top of this is the IBS nonsense.

I could murder a cigarette.

So anyway I am going to talk this thru with the Dr, John's as mine is away, and see what I can do. I have taken 1000mg Paracetamol and 600mg Aspirin this morning and will see how that helps.

I am about to shape the neck on my Aran. Am almost thru the first Regia Landscape sock and have knitted the whole back of a cashmere sweater on the machine. Oh and have completed, but not sewn, a moss stitch rib sweater in cashmere/silk/merino.

Edit: of the three anti-inflammatories I have taken, Aspirin, Ibuprofen and Diclofenac, Aspirin is the one that causes me no problems that I am aware of. The other two can cause me painful reflux. Also, they interfere with the blood thinning properties of the Aspirin. I do not take either the co-codomol or aspirin for long periods of time and it is unusual for me to even take it more than 3 times a day during bad times. I guess I am lucky in that the aspirin doesn't do me in. I take the enteric coated kind that dissolve in my intestine not my stomach.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Resting More

I don't know if this drug has an accumulative effect, but I am feeling better with each day. I think this is in part due to the fact I am not stressing so much about it now. The drug started to work str8 away, so therefore I got less gut pain and grumbles and therefore I stopped being so upset by it and this in turn means I get less gut pain because I am not stressing so much!

This is the first evening I have spent in for months. I realised I was exhausting myself and need to take it easier. I think instead of just accepting I have been ill and still am but getting better, I have fought myself and made myself worse. You know, 'don't be a wimp, just get on with it' type of attitude. I know where that voice comes from and he can go to hell!

I have broken my recent rule about only knitting socks when I am out at a talk or something. I have this day been knitting up a sock out of the sock yarn I dyed myself. I really like it. I think this now means I have 4 second socks to do.....at least the Aran front is almost done.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

No matter what situation life throws at you, no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem ... Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Fatter me

This was taken June 19th 06.

Iris Moon said she couldn't imagine me 40lbs heavier. well here I am 50 lbs heavier. The picture was taken in Sisteron, France. I had already lost some 60lbs. I maintained that for 4 years before the recent 40lb weight loss.


I was invited to Liz's home where she showed me how to dye yarn. We dyed the yarn that Diana(nana) gave me for this purpose. I had a great time and may well be hooked..... I will show the yarn later when it has dried.

You can buy Liz's yarn on Etsy under Knitting On The Green.

Dinner With Friends

Last evening we went to have dinner with Gail and Ian. I was excellent food company. I had a really good evening and my gut behaved itself.
Gail, Ian and John. Gail and Ian both work for the Prison Service.
Gail-ran the London Marathon in 06, just a couple of weeks after completing radiation treatment for breast cancer.
Ian- is very accomplished in his career with the Prison Service.
My John. He will be 61 in April. I think he looks as handsome as ever and not as old as 61.....
Vienna. Bred by me and bought my Gail and Ian. She is a real sweetheart. She is 5 in March.
Gail and Ian live in the same street as John and I.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Better Day

I am almost too scared to say so, but the Colofac for my IBS really seems to work. I am not totally at ease in my gut BUT I am feeling much better.

What is more I did I truly normal poo! I was so thrilled. I could have photographed it and framed it.

I have eaten without pain. That is good too.

I was very much calmer today.

The dog show was good to be at. I did as well with Micah as I expected to do under this judge-she threw him out unplaced! I had a feeling she would but as I had not shown under her before, I had to give her a go. It may well save me money to go with my gut feeling but I think it is always better to give a judge a chance and see. My feelings when it comes to my dogs are not accurate.(Meaning I can't foretell what will happen at a show!) If they were, there would be no fun in showing!

I was flattered by three different sets of people who all commented on the 40lb weight loss and what is more said I looked good and one woman even said I had better watch myself in her company I was looking so good! Now where is Daniel Craig....?


Just to make it clear, the trouble i am having is with IBS not with the norovirus which left me after 48 hours. I cleared it quickly. It has made the IBS worse.

It is this IBS I am having so much trouble trying to come to terms with. The muscle problem I have and the arthritis are not bothering me-yes they cause pain but I am used to it and it doesn't bother me.

It seems the grief I went thru has caused this. I don't know if it will go away.

I hate it. It is very uncomfortable. It scares me. It makes me feel ashamed. It seems to be a stress related condition. So that means it is me somehow that is the cause of it.

I spent 5 years in therapy, I worked my balls off and have had 10 good years until Last August when that trigger happened and I have been sick since. I feel as though I have gone back to being that neurotic frightened person I detested.

My Dr disagrees and says 1 in 5 people get IBS. She thinks I don't appreciate how ill I was and how ill grief can make the body and that I can't do anything about this apart from accept it. My mum had this and she was far from stable.

I feel so frustrated by it. I know I have to get to grips with it because my getting angry and or upset(another all day crying jag yesterday) doesn't help it.

Strangely the tears yesterday were not so much about this IBS. It always feels like before I cry and then when I do it is about something else. It again was about the losses and the certain knowledge that nothing will change the past-I lost and that is that. I will never have the loving family I craved. End of story. Irreversible, destroyed beyond repair. Gone forever. Actually, never was .

It was also about suffering and how I think I have had enough of it. I think I have coped very well till now. I have gotten over serious problems - anorexia, bulimia, agoraphobia, OCD, I worked hard and did what was necessary. I went thru that dark place to get here. I accepted the physical consequences, the 24/7 pain. Now I have this IBS too and I am just soooo pissed off with it. It isn't fair. I can cope with using walking sticks, I can cope with having to use a wheelchair, I can cope with being limited and I get on with what I want to do. This IBS I detest. If you haven't had it, you might know what it feels like. It feels to me like I am dying and that scares me-a painful death does not death itself. It is also frustrating that it is out of my control.

I also want to think about something else. I want to write about something else. I hate this self absorption too.

I am off to my dog show now.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


had few emails expressing concern. i am okay. not doing brilliantly but doing okay. i ma feeling mainly angry. had enough of being sick., this gut thing is either going to right itself or kill me. i wish it would do something, preferably just go away. I am fed up. have stopped taking all my meds. I ma sure my heart can cope without for a while. Something must be irritating my gut and I intend finding out what it is. i am down to eating steamed fish and steamed veggies and that is it. I am still swimming. I have dog show tomorrow and regardless of how I might feel, i am going.

Sunday, January 13, 2008


Whoopee! I just did my first normal poo in a week! I am so happy.....

A Different Voice

I am not who you think I am.

You say you are my image but your mind and actions show you believe that I am your image.

I do not forgive you. I have no need. I do not resent you. That you cannot conceive because you cannot forgive.

I do not judge. I do not punish. I do not condemn. I do not damn.

You do that.

You view the errors of others and cannot entertain the idea that I will not punish. You feel outrage and hurt and you suffer. You cannot conceive that I will not return like with like.

You have made me in your image.

You are part of me.

I created you.

How could you not be part of me?

Are you not a part of your physical creators?

You will never cease to exist.

You will always be.

You cannot be destroyed.

Eternity is not earned. You have it. It is your inheritance. It is your essence.

You think you have free will. Your will is only free in as far as you can choose. You can choose only as far as your knowledge allows. You can choose only as far as your hidden self allows. You act not just consciously but subconsciously. Your will is only as free as your subconscious allows.

Hence, your need to know yourself. To look within. There is where your answers lie.

Have faith. Have doubt. In your search for peace, for home, you must have both.

Do not be certain. Once you have certainty, you no longer have faith in a Power greater than yourself. Once you are certain, your mind is closed. A closed mind cannot be entered. Errors cannot be erased. And errors cause suffering.

Do not praise and worship me. What need do you think I have of these? Do you not think I know?

Do not please me. Please yourself. I am already more than pleased.

Do not fear me. Do not fear yourself. Suffering is born of fear.

Your physical body is but your vehicle for learning. It is not eternal. It is not perfect, as you are. It is susceptible to wear and tear and breaks down. It is how the material is. It is not the result of your errors. It is sensible to look after it but do not be fooled into believing that you can avoid it's demise. You cannot.

In your efforts to avoid suffering at all costs, to keep the physical forever, you create suffering.

The Power you seek is within you.

You are not separate from me. You never were and never will be.

You did not create you and you cannot destroy you.

Those you have loved and 'lost' are not gone. They are with you now. They hear you. They see you. They guide you. If you listen.

They are my messengers.

I speak not just to you and those you like and love but those you hate and despise too. Those you class as evil. Yes, they too are part of me. It is your refusal to to accept this that perpetuates suffering.

You desire for justice, for vengeance, for recompense, keeps you tethered to the place you do not want to be.

Your refusal to accept that I do not need payment for your errors keeps you in chains.

Your refusal to accept personal responsibility keeps you from the peace you seek.

Your fear of the Power within you keeps you weak.

The only way to Me is through You.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Saturday Morning

I have had three phone calls from a woman wanting one of the puppies. I didn't feel happy with her from the beginning but she did appear nice if somewhat indecisive. She called again a few days ago to arrange to come this morning. I agreed though I doubted very much she would come. She has just called to cancel her visit. I really do not know why people have not made up their minds BEFORE they call!

Whitney has settled in very well. She spends most of her time with the older pups except for when no one is in the house. I really like her character.

I got over the Norovirus in 36hrs, my fever having broken by Wednesday morning. I am now taking Amoxycillin and Metronidazole as well as the anti acid pill to see if this will help my gut. The reason being I recall taking it in 95 and it may have worked then. No change so far.

This is really getting me down. It frightens me. It angers me. I do not want to be this person that reacts to the slightest bit of stress. It's ridiculous. I have had enough of this nonsense. I accepted my gut was bad when I was going though that traumatic time but that was over a month ago and still I am having problems. Right now I feel very tearful an frustrated. I want this to stop. If I was feeling stressed, I could understand having a stress related problem but the only thing that is stressing me is this f***ing gut thing.

I eat very plainly. Drink only water. I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to live with this. Not at all. The physical pain from the arthritis etc I can deal with, this I just can't. I am not finding any joy in any day. No matter what I am doing, my gut will not shut up. Oh I still got thru the motions, still swimming, still dealing with the dogs and still knitting all the time being nagged at by my gut.

This really is getting to me. Meditation isn't working, deep breathing doesn't work, the swimming doesn't stop it.

I feel very angry about it and I also feel ashamed. The first emotion I understand in connection to this, the second I am not so sure. I think it is in connection with me being told it is stress related. So if I am causing this problem myself, why can't I stop it?

I just don't know what to do. I am upset about it all the time now. I dread waking up. I feel relieved when my gut feels fine and then it starts up again and for no apparent reason. It embarrasses me. Shame and f**ing fear. Again and again and again. I am so bored with that. These two feelings have run my damned life. I am sick of it. I feel both just writing this on my blog. People thinking I must be really neurotic. Why not? After all isn't that what the Dr means when she says my gut thing is IBS / stress?

Sometimes I am not so sure that expunging intense pain is a good idea. I am worse off now than I was before. Maybe it was repressed because it was supposed to be because it would harm me to feel it. Seems so.

I have done everything I can humanly do to recover from my past. I have faced my worst fears, I have looked at myself and changed what needed to be changed. It has been terrible to go through.

And I end up sick.

I hate it.

I don't think it is fair.

I am royally pissed off.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Carly Simon

Whilst I was driving back from Hartlepool with the new puppy Whitney, I was listening to The Bedroom Tapes, Carly's last self penned album and I was wondering about the likelihood of her doing another album of her own songs.

Now there is an announcement on CarlySimon.com saying her new album of original songs is out in May.

It's too late now, I am about to go bed, but I have a quite bit say about how this singer / songwriter affected my life.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008



I got hit by it yesterday. Been up all night, feel very weak. Going back to bed now. Just as I started a triple drug course for my gut. Now it will have to wait as I can't keep anything down(or in!). I still feel like death warmed up but the projectile liquids from both ends have stopped-hopefully.

I tell you at 4am this morning I wanted a Mummy!

Monday, January 07, 2008


John was in a much better mood today.In fact he was rather nice all day. We went to the Dr.

I didn't say 'I told you so' when the Dr did just what I knew he would-gave him a different antibiotic and a different inhaler. He also took his temperature, which was high and made him breath into a measuring thing and it was crap-150. John has left now for the week of work in London! ARRGGHHH!!!!

I got a new antispamodic because the Pepermint Oil one made me worse. I also got two antibiotics cos I recalled that they helped 13 yrs ago when I had a similar gut problem. I recalled today that i had gone to a Chinese Herbalist and got this concoction which I had to boil up and drink. it was FOUL! But I was desperate. It didn't work at all, just cost me money. The drug combo did work.

It seems strange to me that I have been diagnosed with IBS. My mother had that. She died because of it-she got backed up and it perforated her bowel and she died of septicaemia.

Of course, it could just be that the inflammation of my stomach and gut caused by the grief just hasn't healed yet. Everything I have read and been told by the Dr tells me it can take months to heal.

Fi Sweater / Whitney

I knit this on my Brother 950I in 1990. It now fits me as I am 100lbs lighter! I used about 50 colours, all Shetland 4ply(fingering).
Whitney being cute. She is a madam and now has a sore thorat and sounds like parrot instead of a squaking seagull whne she gets put in her playpen. She is FULL TO THE BRIM of herself, just what I want in show bitch/breeding bitch. Her father is the dog I am going to mate Shameless to. Hi picture is below.

Facing Facts

John hates going to the Dr. John deals with sickness and ageing with denial. We had a terrible row last evening after church! I lost it altogether with him.

He has has asthma now, which could lead to worse. He takes drugs for it. He also has high blood pressure. He doesn't eat healthily. He thinks if he eats the healthy option meals, he can eat all the chocolate and crisps etc he wants. He doesn't get they are high fat and high salt. Or he thinks it doesn't matter because he eats healthy meals.

Anyway, he is on antibiotics again for a chest infection. The third time this winter. He has a running order for the drug so didn't see the Dr. He started taking them last Monday and still went to work on the Wednesday!!! (He is NOT indispensable.) He is still coughing. The pills haven't worked.

Last evening in church he was spoken to by the speaker who told him bluntly to go to the Dr and not be so stubborn. Well, on the way home he was rather unpleasant. I know he is afraid. I know he doesn't like the fact he is over 60 now. Denial though will not help him keep well. The Dr has said that the condition he has is very early and with treatment and his cooperation, it will stay that way. He will still get old.

I get furious with him about his attitude. He makes me feel bad. The last time I refused to drive him to the train and he sulked and sulked but went to the Dr's appointment I made for him and was told bluntly that I was right-he needed drugs for his chest. Yet he still was humpy with me.

Just like this weekend. I told him he needs to see the Dr. He ignores me and when I repeat it he gets nasty in an attempt to make me feel like I am nagging for no good reason and being neurotic.

So right now I have the hump. I will make his appointment TODAY and he will go(he said so last night after being nasty)but he will go on his own. Not only does he lie to the Dr but he will lie with me sitting there. Clearly, 'nagging' doesn't work, saying anything at all about his health is nagging. Maybe if I ignore it and leave him to get really sick, he will do something on his own account.

I am afraid too. I love him and I don't want him to suffer and die early. Yet it seems I am powerless to force him to stop denying.

Oh and just to make it clear, I can be just as nasty when having a row!

Sunday, January 06, 2008


Polielin Whitney with Tantra

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Up North

Today I am going to drive 200 miles to my friend Linda. I have pick of the bitches in her Lhasa Apso litter. 4 girls. I think I know which one I shall take as I 'saw' it already whilst I was meditating. I also 'saw' the boy she is keeping and described him correctly for colour.

On Thursday I was prescribed a new drug, an anti spasmodic for my gut. I took it Thursday evening and Friday morning. By Friday evening I was feeling worse and especially last last night. I am not sure this drug agrees with me. It has peppermint oil in it. I am not going to take it today and I will see what happens.

My gut has gradually got better. Much less pain and discomfort and bloating. I am more or less left with the bloating/aerated feeling more than anything. Strangely, I have not experienced any trouble with my bathroom habits which have remained perfectly normal apart from missing a day or two.

My mother died as a result of IBS. She had become constipated and her bowel ruptured and she died of septicaemia.

I was anorexic in my teens until my early 20's. I took many laxatives daily, sometimes as many as 30, plus vomiting. I guess I am not surprised I have problems now.
I also grew another inch and half once I started to eat properly again.

I think the reason I take my present health problems so well is that I feel very lucky I am not much worse and that I survived in the first place.

The only part of my condition I get resentful about is the food issues. I can get quite p'd off at not being able to eat like others, which is silly because, again, others have far worse problems-like peanut allergy or diabetes or such things. Me? I just can't eat grain with out having problems and I can't eat sugar/starch without also having problems. The grain stuff will cause me gut problems and sugar/starch will cause me to have blood sugar level spikes and lows which will cause me great hunger, weight gain, depression and volatile moods swings.

Fortunately for me, I love food so I do eat a good and varied diet. I live off about 1 kg(2.2lbs) of veggies a day, mainly green plus fish, chicken or pork. Occasionally lamb or beef.Mostly fish. Not bad for someone who was a veggy for years! Which is one reason I was so fat and ill all the time-I was allergic to most of what I was eating and didn't know it.

Yet when we travel or visit, this is when the difficulties arise. Finding the right food for me or having to tell hosts I can only eat flesh and veggies. No bread, no cake, no biscuits, no fun stuff!

One thing I do eat is 70% to 85% dark chocolate. REAL chocolate. Made on mainland Europe not the crap that passes for chocolate here in UK which is full of vegetable fat, usually hydrogenated. It annoys they are allowed to call it chocolate when it isn't.(Same with Ice Cream-which often is anything but ....) Anyway, I eat it occasionally and a square or two is very satisfying. My friend in Denmark, Karen, says it is a necessary food group! I have never felt the urge to eat the whole bar or box.

I am keeping up with my swimming and have now lost 36 lbs (16kg) since August. This is is a total so far of 120lbs (55kgs). And I am not dieting! I eat 3 meals a day and they are not tiny. I am not hungry and if I feel hungry, I eat.

However, as good as all this is, I still resent not being able to eat junk!

(Oh and the only fruit I can tolerate, in small doses, are strawberries, raspberries, blackberries - they don't cause a blood sugar spike and they don't cause me acid or gut problems)

I had to buy a new pair of swimming togs yesterday. It dawned on me that the pair I was wearing all this time were just too big now hence the having to keep pulling them up to free my legs. The new pair are clingy, like Superman's(!!!!) and my legs are free to move properly in the water. (You might be surprised to see how many people swim and do not use their legs-their legs just dangle...weird)

13 weeks



Friday, January 04, 2008


The yarn is Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock Multi colour no. 203 'Seaside'. I knit it top down. The ribbing was done using my SR 830 using tension 5 on both beds. The heel, gusset and foot were knitted using KnitPicks circular, 2.25 mm needle.

I like this yarn
very much, easy to knit and the handle is excellent. Feels good on the foot too. The colourway looked much better on the hank! I would have preferred it swirled or blobbed or something but I still like this.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Boris Becker

The yarn is Lana Grossa Meilenweit. 65% Virgin wool, 15% Silk, 16% Nylon 4% Cashmere. Colour number 1. 190 m (207.7yds) per 50 gm.

The design is my own. The main sock is knit toe up using the Andersson Heel and KnitPicks 2.25mm circular needle(80cm lenght). I knit the 1 x1 rib using Hiya Hiya 1.5mm.

I used the EZ sewn cast (bind) off.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008


My best to one all for 2008.

Well, 07 ended weirdly for me. Having ignored my birthday, Xmas and New Year for many many years, I celebrated all three in 07.

On my birthday, we went out all day, had lunch in a restaurant and then to a Spiritualist service in the evening.

For Xmas we went to Germany and spent it with Lia and Lui and Diana and Jane and Gordon.

Last night, Phyllis and Marilyn invited us to a gathering at their place and despite having my doubts, we went and I really enjoyed it. It was alcohol free yet people still had fun. Not even John had a drink as he is on antibiotics. Oops, that makes it sound like John is always drinking-no but he would have had a glass of wine had it not been for the pills.We played charades. We got home here at 4am. I haven't been up that late for goodness knows how long.

O7 was a good year. Yes, it was shocking, those three months of trauma, but it was necessary. It cleared much junk out and I feel lighter not carrying it. The subconscious is a strange thing. So is life and how things really do seem 'manoeuvred' by some outside force in order for something needed to take place. Events and people lined up and as a result I ended up learning more and being set free. Whilst I do not care to repeat the experience, thank you very much, I do see clearly how it was all to my benefit.

There was an awful lot more to all of it than I wrote here. The happenings of a spiritual nature. My role in that. My mother's role in it. My own spiritual abilities. The life beyond this one. The Ultimate Power that certainly does touch us personally. I have been reticent to write of such things. The time is coming though when I shall share the spiritual side of all this.

After all, that is the very core of my story. It is the very core of me and of you. Spirit. It is what we are. Now and for all time. Not we become. What we ARE.