FEELING MYSELF

Well, taking the pain meds on a regular basis really seems to be working out well. More than I would have thought. I have had no sugar cravings. Coincidence? My mood is better and I am not so short tempered. Coincidence? I do know that one of the things I was afraid of was the drugs changing my mood. It is 'mood altering' drugs that i have been taught to steer clear of. I have realised that I am not high. I just am in a better mood because I don't hurt so f'ing much! I can be a right twat (idiot) sometimes.

The postman has brought me surprises this week. Oh, okay, the postman is in fact Flora, and she is a lesbian. And no she isn't at all mannish. But I digress. I ordered Twisted Stitches by Maria Erlbacher, published by Schoolhouse Press. I had to order it it from Amazon.com as Amazon.co.uk did not stock it. I had seen the book on Fuguestateknits' blog. The information told me to expect the book in several weeks time. It took a few days to arrive. I love the book. Oh and I also got the Vogue Sock Book and Cokkie A's book. Not sure why, but what the hell.

The second surprise, even though I knew it was coming, was a hank of Wollmeise. I had seen that a blog/email friend had bought some at a fair and I wrote and asked if I could possibly buy some from her. I really expected the answer to be no as I know Wollmeise is a bugger to get hold of. Not only did this dearly lady not say no, she sent it to me as a gift!!! I haven't mentioned her name because she may prefer to be anonymous. The colours are gorgeous, black, and rusts, going from light to dark. It feels very nice and there is 160+ grams of it so plenty for a nice long pair.

I watched a film this afternoon called The Women. It was okay to watch whilst I knitted. Clever in that not one man appeared in the whole film, unless one did whilst I was twisting a stitch. I am not too sure what the point was or whom it was aimed at since these were all very rich women except for the 'mistress' who was a perfume sales girl. Come to think of it I think this film was snobby and pretentious and they portrayed the mistress as a common working class slut. Perhaps this wasn't a very nice film.

I have just started to watch the seventh series of 24. No I do not fancy Bauer. Not at all. I cannot resist watching this though. If only to wonder how many times this guy can survive what would have killed a lesser man in the first episode of the first series! The whole thing is very silly and very macho and very American and politically incorrect but I enjoy it anyway.

Oh and Carly Simon's new album, Never Been Gone, has arrived and I have listened once. I am not sure what I think. It contains re-workings of her own songs. I always find this difficult and is one reason why hearing songs live that I have only heard on record is not my favourite thing. Her voice though still does it for me. (not THAT but she has always made me feel.)

A STEP BACK

I felt very angry this morning. I went for my swim and I swam as fast and as long as I could. I could feel my anger dissipating as I swam. Or rather the energy going.

I feel unsafe again. Like the rug has been pulled out from under me. My trust in John has gone. I am sorting this mess out but don't worry still that he isn't telling the whole truth. I cannot see how he can be taken to court and be found against without him knowing anything about it. He insists he doesn't know and didn't know. It seems the first he knew about was when I told him. Yet the judgement against him was in April 08. How could they do that without issuing a summons? Also, why has nothing happened since? No demands, no bailiffs. Nothing.

Every time the telephone rings I jump. My stomach lurches when I see post. I jump when the door gets knocked on. (Why oh why do people ignore my sign. NO Salespeople, NO Canvassers, NO Religious Hawkers.)
I am having night terrors again which have me up and out of bed. I don't recall the scenario, just waking up not in bed. Needless to say my gut is not good.I am pissed off with myself. I hate it that all my old PTSD shit comes back when stuff happens.

I am putting more yarn up on Ebay. I am itching to get on the machines and make some sweaters out of the beautiful yarn I have. I do not intend to sell it all.
My visiting bitch turns out to be very well behaved and sweet natured but she isn't in the mood for shagging. Luque seems happy enough, he knows she isn't ready yet. She eats like a pig, gone in seconds and she snores! I didn't realise it until she was here but she is the grandmother of James, Carly and Bridget though no relation to Luque.

Carly Simon's new album, NEVER BEEN GONE, ought to be coming through my letter box tomorrow. Carly is 64 now. I am glad she is still recording.

Dull and Wet

The weather, not me.

I did my 80 laps this morning. Afterwards, I felt surprisingly good. By the time I got home, I thought to myself that i felt barely any pain. None in fact, just a little discomfort. This has happened before and it is a weird feeling. By 1pm I was feeling rough and had my nap and now I feel like I usually do. I was really wanting a pot of Haagen Daz too but that passed.

We have set up the whelping bed and pen for Shameless. She is due Wednesday after next, but my bitches usually whelp 3-5 days early.It always amazes me how dogs instinctively know what is going on. she is now ensconced in the pen and is happy. She has been a real pain this last few days. Not eating, bad tempered. today she really have Millie a beating. Millie came running in and John picked her up and fussed her. Millie milked it for all it was worth and laid her head on his chest and started up into his face. you could almost see a single tear drop fall. Pathetic. Mind you, she wouldn't go through the door into the garden when she knew Shameless was out there.

We are still clearing stuff out. It takes time. it isn't as easy as I thought it would be either. I really do want to de clutter and get rid of all this stuff. I find it hard though. I just got rid of a load of sweaters i have made. Some by hand and others on the machines. They were the hardest to part with as they were 20 plus years old and in good condition but really I didn't care for them now and besides they are not up to my standards now. They laid in the pile to be taken top the charity shop for weeks and I finally did it yesterday.

About 8 pairs of very good shoes went too, Kickers and DM's. All size 9 and I am now a size 7.5. Who knew that feet lost weight too? The DM's were the hardest to let go of. Royal Blue and dear to me. Yet i haven't worn them for years. Why? Because they have a high leg and are lace ups. Even if I could manage to get them on and tie them, I'd never get them off gain. I could only wear them if John was around. So they all went to the charity shop too.

This room I am in now is cleared up enough to not leave me hemmed in and having to be careful where I put my feet. I can access the set up machines with ease and my PC.

I have spoken today with a person I know who has the same conditions as me. She is 62. She is now more or less housebound. There is always someone worse off. Speaking with her reminded me of how fortunate I am. It also scared me a little. I don't go there in my thoughts. I swim and keep active as much as I can so that I can pout off as long as I can the inevitable progression of my disease. Perhaps I can hold it at bay so that when I am 80 I am still as mobile.

I have eaten a lot of stir fries recently. Seafood and chicken ones. Today I used Quorn which is a mycoprotein. It was satisfying and nice, much better than soya protein veggie stuff. I don't think I would eat it this in anything other than a stir fry though.

I tend to go through phases with food. I am into to stir fries right now and eat them twice a day and have done for the last couple of weeks. It'll run it's course and I will go off them and get into something else. Talking about this at my Eating Disorder group just showed I am not the only one with and ED who does this. (I might add here that my ED is not a problem now and has not been for a long time but it is still there lurking and I can easily go off track if I don't stay aware. The urge to over or under eat is still there.)

I wrote a brief critique of Carly Simon's new album, This Kind Of Love, for Amazon. Critique is not a word I like but you get the idea. Anyway, when I went back to Amazon to read it again, I noticed a spelling mistake which still makes me laugh when i think of it. I mentioned one of the songs, 'People Say A Lot' but I wrote 'People SAT A Lot'. It tickles me now as I write this.

I am half way up the legs on the Lorna's Laces socks. I am also on new version of my forest green aran. I decided I did not like the other one so will frog it and continue with this version. Eventually this damn aran will get knitted!

Carly Simon

Whilst I was driving back from Hartlepool with the new puppy Whitney, I was listening to The Bedroom Tapes, Carly's last self penned album and I was wondering about the likelihood of her doing another album of her own songs.

Now there is an announcement on CarlySimon.com saying her new album of original songs is out in May.

It's too late now, I am about to go bed, but I have a quite bit say about how this singer / songwriter affected my life.