Wednesday, October 16, 2013


 well my doctor was right again. It was going to take awhile for the drug that was causing the delirium to get out of my system. I have woken this morning feeling very blue indeed. But I know why at least and that it will pass again.

I will knit and listen to music for now after I have groomed the dogs that need to be if any need to be. I think if I were a dog I'd be quite happy living with somebody like me because I'd get lots of attention and I wouldn't be locked up all day and I would more or less get to do what I wanted. I suppose I just described my life pretty much.

If you have never felt depressed you have no idea what it feels like because it isn't feeling sad and it isn't feeling grief both of which I have felt. This is entirely different. To use a television as an analogy which is about the only stupid thing I can think of right now the system is set so that the contrast and light and balance and volume are all set very low and movement is like trying to move through treacle. Even that doesn't really describe the awfulness of it. And it is very hard to write about without sounding self pitying. But people need to understand that depression is not just feeling low is not just having an off day thinking these things about depression  is very dangerous because it can result in death in that the depressed person not only doesn't understand themselves but is surrounded by people who don't understand and so they do what very depressed people do often, they end their life.

No I am not suggesting for a minute that that is what I have in mind. I'm lucky I am informed and I do know that this will pass. Look at yesterday I had a really good day yesterday and today I wake up and it's horrible again but tomorrow will be good again and eventually this feeling will go for good. It is now rather difficult to tell whether this is the bipolar having reared its head after 15 years will whether it is just the wrong mixture of drugs. All of the drugs I take effect this central nervous system.  Since that is where my problems lie mainly. Perhaps once I have weaned off it I shall feel very different. Or not. The night-time delirium and the daytime depression may have nothing to do with each other.

 at least I have a few months break from dog showing and so I can keep show Colin in the closet and give him a rest as well. John has suggested and finding somewhere to take all of the dogs. I can be in my wheelchair and he would have no trouble holding the leads of six dogs because they do tend to behave civilly. Our only concern and it is a serious one is that they each stay well away from my wheelchair. I have already practice showing my dogs from my wheelchair and in fact it was very easy and my dogs came nowhere near the wheels. I only did it to see if it was possible. I have no intention of doing so. If it comes to that I will either have to stop showing dogs or have somebody show them for me. I suppose when I start writing about the things that are on my mind it's hardly surprising that I'm not in a good mood. It is surprising that the positive Colin who will face anything and find a way and always see the positive side seemed to have taken a break as well. My dear friend with the MS tells me that doing what I do, even if I only do it once a week which is all I do it for is exhausting and will always catch up on me. Not only do I find this very difficult to accept but very difficult to understand and so I consistently get myself into a mess. I understand needing two days off after a dog show. There is no understanding the first day as it is so obvious I racked with pain and can barely move and I feel like I've been run over by a truck so of course I rest I have no  choice. The following day does annoy me because I can't see why I am still not back to normal I am no longer suffering so much pain but I need quiet and still need to just sit and knit or watch TV and certainly do not even want to go out to the supermarket. So if the dog show was on a Sunday it will be Wednesday before I'm fit enough again and if I have another dog show say on the Saturday and then on Thursday and Friday I have to prepare for that. I want to make something very clear here this is my CHOICE.  I do not have to go to dog shows. I also need to rest the day after having been in a shopping mall all day even though I have been in my wheelchair. I can see why that is exhausting because I'm one of those people that find a lot of people and noise really gets to me. I take more drugs on those days with the full knowledge of my Dr who understands why I need them I have to have some form of barrier between me and the hards of people ans noise.

 the postman just delivered my illuminated cock. Eyewear to watches and I cannot wear either of them no let me try that again. Eyewear to watches neither of which I can see in the dark so I have no idea what it is when I wake up now I will be able to because this clock will sit on the side lit up and telling me.

Well I think this Facebook status has become so long it needs to be a blog post. I wonder how many Facebook people actually read such long statuses!

Wednesday, October 02, 2013


 If you have followed my blog over the years you will know that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 30 years ago. I never did take it that seriously despite the fact that my frequent periods of mania followed by deep depression were obvious.

After a break of almost 15 years I find myself in the middle of a bipolar episode.

I have felt incredibly ashamed of this and I have therefore hidden it hidden it including my doctor. And when I realised that the mania was beginning to rise was during the house reconstruction last year. Particularly Clearly when we came back from France  To a new kitchen and bathroom but with all the floors downstairs ripped up with dust everywhere. I freaked and this is when John wondered if I was going manic because my reaction to the house was completely over the top. Strangely a friend who knows nothing about this later said that she thought something was wrong with me because of the way that I spoke to her and that much of what I said made no sense even though I sounded very happy.

I was not about to let myself have a manic phase because it is always followed by depression. What I did was use tranquillisers which brought me down and also hid the symptoms.  Not even my doctor was aware.

Unfortunately my brilliant scheme backfired on me. I knew that the mania had finished by December. Despite the tranquillisers I was still very active and did not sleep much and didn't eat much. By December I became normal again so I stop the drugs and spent a rather nasty week of withdrawals which I did not expect which was really stupid of me. As my behaviour during the withdrawals was crazy to say the least it built up to the point that I had serious panic attacks. It was then that I call but Dr butter called the doctor service, the night-time service, and I was very lucky in that I got a very nice man called Michael who understood what I was going through and he did not lecture me. He was very understanding once he knew why I had done what did and also pointed out to me that I was not the only one who had been badly affected by the Jimmy Savile affair. (If you want to know what that is all about just Google it.) 

Since January I have basically been depressed but not so much that it interfered with my life but this last few weeks or months really it has seriously impacted my life. I have gone to dog shows and I have gone swimming but that is really all I've been doing. Most of the time I think about how worthless life is and that I would be much better out of it.  two weeks ago when I had the trouble with the people I sold the puppy to it may be longer than that because it happened at Darlington. And it only became worse. During that week I came very close to acting upon my thoughts. This is when I saw my doctor. She was very calm and levelheaded about it and she said to me that I was all right because all I was doing was thinking about it thinking that life wasn't worth it all that you are just very tired are really very normal thoughts when one is depressed even thinking about suicide is normal. What isn't normal is a strong desire to carry it out and she knows me well enough to know that if it got to that point I'd reach out.

My doctor is also very much aware of how ashamed I feel for having this bipolar episode. It isn't just John and a couple of friends who know but a whole load of people who read this.

I am writing this because I'm fully aware that many people who follow my blog have bipolar in their lives in one way or another. My reaction is shame and wanting to hide it and certainly not wanting my dog people to know  After all look at the way I dress!  And I am seen as a very  as a very positive person with a bright outlook and people are always telling me how I cheer them up. How could I possibly not continue with my act and disappoint these people and tell them that I'm not like that all the time. I truly wish that I was. One thing I'm not is fake. The person you see at dog shows is the person I am except occasionally you see a different than one who shows.

Unfortunately the good news from my doctor is that as people with bipolar I eat they experience more depression than mania BUT  they are much less frequent and much less severe. I guess I believe that because it has been well over 10 years since I last had an episode and this episode has not been as bad although the depression does seem to be taking its time in lifting.

I write this despite the shame I feel because I think it is important for the people that read my blog who read it because they to are abuse survivors  and I have always sworn to tell the truth no matter how it makes me feel. 

This does not mean that I have not recovered or am not well into recovery it just means that I have experienced a blip, quite a serious blip, but just a blip. Back in the dark days this would not have been a blip this would have meant me being sectioned to make sure I did not harm myself. So I am still well into the recovery phase and as long as I continue the work and share about it I will grow and recover even more so that when I next have a blip it won't be as severe as this and if I have blips after that they will hardly show at all.

Tuesday, October 01, 2013


SERIOUS WARNING: I have had to remove my knob. It has proved to be dangerous. Lorry drivers use them because their steering wheels are very heavy despite the power steering. The power steering on my Galaxy is very light and the slightest movement of my hand caused my car to swerve. It would drift in to the hard shoulder or into the other lane. I did find it very comfortable to use and very convenient that I am not prepared to kill myself or kill other people. I was stopped by the police in Scotland as I think you know because somebody thought I was drunk and the same thing happened yesterday. I arrived home and not long afterwards there was a knock at my door and it was the police saying that they had reports that I had been weaving in and out of the lane on my way home. as soon as he saw me he knew that I was not drunk but he did want an explanation and I was truthful. I told him we had been at Queensgate all day and that I was now tired and as I used only one hand on my knob it was very easy to go either left or right when I ought to be going straight. He was very pleasant about it. But he did tell me that and when I am tired I should stop and sleep. I said to him that I perfectly agree with him but I was within miles of home and I chose not to. He accepted by explanation but I think he would still expect me to stop and rest no matter how close to home I was. So please take my story seriously. This is how people die. If you have a knob, then remove it immediately. Mine was removed and is now in the bin.

KNOB TROUBLE: When I first got the Ford Galaxy MPV I remember how light I found the steering to be and I really had to adjust to it. It moved left or right with the slightest move of my hand. Then I saw a disabled vehicle which had a knob on the steering wheel and the driver happened to be reversing out of a parking space when I saw this and it gave me the idea that having my own knob would be of help to me. It certainly was a great help for reversing. I remember though having to learn to be very careful with my hand on the knob because that was most comfortable place for it to be with my left hand on my thigh. I even asked to please people a man and a woman if they were legal and they said yes of course they are especially if you are disabled and need one. So that satisfied me. However I don't know what has made it become very apparent recently but the slightest move my hand and my car veers either left or right. I have hit the curb and I have gone into the other lane not by much but enough to almost hit other cars. Now that I have taken the knob of it is not happening my drive to the swimming pool and back from the swimming pool was much steadier and I felt better and certainly feel that it gave me more control. even with power steering lorries are not easy to do big turn such as in reversing which is why they use knobs. But the power steering on cars is very much lighter or what I mean is it makes the steering very much lighter and so the addition of the knob was a serious error and I'm very lucky not to have had an accident. 

It is always a learning experience. I know that I have weakness in my hands sometimes and they are jerky sometimes but they do not affect me holding a steering wheel in the conventional manner. For some reason I just did not think about that when I attach the knob. I was so taken by how easy it was for me to reverse and reverse round round corners etc that I forgot about my other problems which may have caused problems with the knob. Disability that gradually creeps up on you and gradually gets worse as time goes on makes it more difficult to learn to change the way one does things. I have had to change the way I manage the dogs coats and I now groom them daily so that when they are bathed the drying takes much less time because I don't have to groom them through. I still do not groom and dry coat and I use sprays when I do the grooming. By by.