Wednesday, October 16, 2013


 well my doctor was right again. It was going to take awhile for the drug that was causing the delirium to get out of my system. I have woken this morning feeling very blue indeed. But I know why at least and that it will pass again.

I will knit and listen to music for now after I have groomed the dogs that need to be if any need to be. I think if I were a dog I'd be quite happy living with somebody like me because I'd get lots of attention and I wouldn't be locked up all day and I would more or less get to do what I wanted. I suppose I just described my life pretty much.

If you have never felt depressed you have no idea what it feels like because it isn't feeling sad and it isn't feeling grief both of which I have felt. This is entirely different. To use a television as an analogy which is about the only stupid thing I can think of right now the system is set so that the contrast and light and balance and volume are all set very low and movement is like trying to move through treacle. Even that doesn't really describe the awfulness of it. And it is very hard to write about without sounding self pitying. But people need to understand that depression is not just feeling low is not just having an off day thinking these things about depression  is very dangerous because it can result in death in that the depressed person not only doesn't understand themselves but is surrounded by people who don't understand and so they do what very depressed people do often, they end their life.

No I am not suggesting for a minute that that is what I have in mind. I'm lucky I am informed and I do know that this will pass. Look at yesterday I had a really good day yesterday and today I wake up and it's horrible again but tomorrow will be good again and eventually this feeling will go for good. It is now rather difficult to tell whether this is the bipolar having reared its head after 15 years will whether it is just the wrong mixture of drugs. All of the drugs I take effect this central nervous system.  Since that is where my problems lie mainly. Perhaps once I have weaned off it I shall feel very different. Or not. The night-time delirium and the daytime depression may have nothing to do with each other.

 at least I have a few months break from dog showing and so I can keep show Colin in the closet and give him a rest as well. John has suggested and finding somewhere to take all of the dogs. I can be in my wheelchair and he would have no trouble holding the leads of six dogs because they do tend to behave civilly. Our only concern and it is a serious one is that they each stay well away from my wheelchair. I have already practice showing my dogs from my wheelchair and in fact it was very easy and my dogs came nowhere near the wheels. I only did it to see if it was possible. I have no intention of doing so. If it comes to that I will either have to stop showing dogs or have somebody show them for me. I suppose when I start writing about the things that are on my mind it's hardly surprising that I'm not in a good mood. It is surprising that the positive Colin who will face anything and find a way and always see the positive side seemed to have taken a break as well. My dear friend with the MS tells me that doing what I do, even if I only do it once a week which is all I do it for is exhausting and will always catch up on me. Not only do I find this very difficult to accept but very difficult to understand and so I consistently get myself into a mess. I understand needing two days off after a dog show. There is no understanding the first day as it is so obvious I racked with pain and can barely move and I feel like I've been run over by a truck so of course I rest I have no  choice. The following day does annoy me because I can't see why I am still not back to normal I am no longer suffering so much pain but I need quiet and still need to just sit and knit or watch TV and certainly do not even want to go out to the supermarket. So if the dog show was on a Sunday it will be Wednesday before I'm fit enough again and if I have another dog show say on the Saturday and then on Thursday and Friday I have to prepare for that. I want to make something very clear here this is my CHOICE.  I do not have to go to dog shows. I also need to rest the day after having been in a shopping mall all day even though I have been in my wheelchair. I can see why that is exhausting because I'm one of those people that find a lot of people and noise really gets to me. I take more drugs on those days with the full knowledge of my Dr who understands why I need them I have to have some form of barrier between me and the hards of people ans noise.

 the postman just delivered my illuminated cock. Eyewear to watches and I cannot wear either of them no let me try that again. Eyewear to watches neither of which I can see in the dark so I have no idea what it is when I wake up now I will be able to because this clock will sit on the side lit up and telling me.

Well I think this Facebook status has become so long it needs to be a blog post. I wonder how many Facebook people actually read such long statuses!


salvation knitters said...

Hello, I am in a similar situation in that chronic illness has caused me to change the way I live. I also gain much therapeutic benefit from my two mini dachshunds (incredibly spoiled girls!) and my knitting. I wish you well. Thanks for sharing you story and your talent. Karen

Dan and Julie in San Diego said...

You mentioned receiving "my illuminated cock". Very funny. I understand from the following sentence that it should be "Clock", but it's still funny.

Georgina said...

I hope you can find the strength to rest Colin - I know that is a bit of an oxymoron, but when you are sensitive, and I don't mean that in a precious way, but when you are sensitive to life, like an exposed nerve ending, it is exhausting. But I also know that you are driven to explore all that life has to offer and finding the balance is hard. I wish you refreshment, (sounds better if you hear it in a French accent!)