The following is my response to a question I was asked and I share it here because I know others have similar questions.
Thank you for trusting me.
I am not at all surprised by your mother. The idea that her father is a paedophile is just too much for her to bear and so rather than face this she rejects you. It is highly unlikely that your mother felt loved by her parents and she cannot admit this. In order for her to continue living in her fantasy of having good loving parents she must reject you. I would not be at all surprised if your mother was also sexually abused by her father.
This does not mean that your mother is not wrong and nor does it mean that her behaviour is acceptable. It is understandable. My two brothers rejected me many years ago and they think of me as evil and twisted. They do this so that they can live with the fantasy that they have loving kind good parents. They have not got the courage to feel the pain that I felt in realising that my parents did not love us and that they were not kind and good. This does not mean that I do not feel anger towards my brothers nor does it mean that I excuse them. It is what it is. I cannot change them. I do not want to change them. I do not need them to see me differently in order for me to be happy. I do not need them at all and what they think is not my concern any more.
It is better for us that we do not allow toxic people in our lives no matter who they are. Just because people are related to us, even if they are our parent, does not mean that we must interact with them. It also does not mean that we must love them. Love comes freely and naturally and it does not come via abuse. Whilst I do not have hatred for my parents or my brothers I do not love them.I do not even like them.However, I love them in the same way that I love you and everybody else on this planet: I want them to be at peace with themselves. There is nothing I can do to make this happen but it is what I wish for everyone. Imagine what sort of world we would live in if we were at peace with ourselves!
Please do not beat yourself up for how you feel. It is natural that you do so. For me the realisation that my parents did not love me and never would released me. Not all hope is good and the hope that one day they would love me and treat me well was crushing me. The day I let that hope go was a real turning point in my recovery. My parents were never going to be the people I wanted them to be.I thought I needed them to be different in order for me to recover.This was not true.I have recovered.I live a good and happy life.
This does not mean that I am as if it never happened. Of course not. I still have my struggles but nowhere near to the same extent. I am rarely troubled by night terrors now and although occasionally I do have PTSD symptoms still they are much less strong and the episodes are further apart.
I do not know if any of this is of any help to you. Just know that your feelings are normal.What we went through is an abomination and we will never be who we would have been had it not happened. However, I can truly say that I like who I am today and I am who I am because of all that I went through.
This does NOT mean that I believe I was meant to go through what I went through. Not at all. It just means that I have been lucky and I have turned what was very negative into something positive. The very idea that I was meant to suffer in order for me to be who I am is offensive to me and I think that people who think this have really not thought through. What they are saying, then, is that people who abuse children are carrying out God's will for some higher purpose. BOLLOCKS!
People make up these things in their attempt to live with evil and make sense of it. In effect it only causes more damage because when it boils right down, it is just blaming the victim. Those who really believe that we had childhoods such as ours as retribution for a previous life's actions are sadly distorted. Once again if this was so it means that perpetrators are carrying out some divine plan. It follows that the millions of people who died in the Holocaust did so as payment for past wrongs and the Nazis were working for God.
You do not need your mother's approval all love to live well.You do not have to have her in your life.you are not the bad person you have been made to believe that you are and it is neither wrong nor sinful to close the door on someone who has not got your best interests at heart.
Just remember that people treat you the way they treat you because of who they are and not because of who you are.
9 comments:
This is really good, and well thought out, well worded. We are who we are because of so many different things, genetics, prenatal health, nuturing/raising, environment.. I don't have musical gifts, not in my genetic code, and I do have long, thin bones, again, genetic coding. I am gifted/good with my hands and hand work, knitting, sewing, that sort of stuff comes easily for me and I enjoy it. My beliefs and values are built on what I was raised with, what I was exposed to, what I have learned from life.
I cannot change my past, my parents or grandparents, nor can I change my sibblings, my neighbors or my co-workers. I can choose who I do spend my personal time with and I can choose, for the most part, how I let everyone else affect me. And I do shut out, as much as I can, all the negative people, including those who I have a genetic connection to. My choice and my right.
Thank you! This is so powerful, "Just remember that people treat you the way they treat you because of who they are and not because of who you are."
This really touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing.
Bravo!
That was an awesome post. I remember when my sister *finally* was able to come to grips with the idea that our parents are twisted and broken people (our father is twisted/evil, while our mother is broken/weak). She realized it about ten years later than I did, but I'm glad that she did realize it.
She went through a period when she would accuse others of molesting her. She basically accused everyone *except* our father. However, I am almost 100% sure that it is indeed our father that abused her. I have confidence in this because I know what dad did to *me*.
I'm often reminded of a line from "The Summer of my German Soldier", when the housekeeper tells the little girl "You've been paying top dollar for your irregular parents your whole life."
But at least I can say with assurance that my father was the villain of the piece and not me. I can't say I have a burning hatred for him anymore -- although I once did. What I feel for him most days borders on feeling nothing. I will be glad when he dies, however. He will certainly NOT be missed.
Truer words were never spoken...
On another note, do you happen to get Glee? It is a TV show here in the states and tonight was an especially good episode. If you dont get it there, the first season is out on DVD. If you like musicals, you'll love it.
hi colin, i am back in the usa with the dogs that i love and my husband. yesterday i scissor cut all the dogs. i have some pretty serious kidney problems. so i am home to get that delt with. Thank you so much for this post. i feel like parts of it were directly to me re: some of my past letters. glad you are feeling a bit better. thank you for being committed to self expression. You are doing a service for many many others by doing so. Linda
I love this, Colin! It's funny, recently I have been thinking of reconnecting with my 83-year-old former stepmonster. I recently learned from one of my brothers the extent to which she abused him (at ages 8-13) and my other brother (at ages 1-11) and I was ill - not only thinking of what happened, but wondering if I was there and blocked it out.
I have decided not to have her in my life any more.
Thank you.
Joan a/k/a fsk
I think your last sentence summed it up perfectly.
Thanks for posting your life experiences here- I am learning from you.
A very helpful post for many of us. The questions and worries haven't left me after so many years.
Post a Comment