DAMN, BOTHER AND BLAST! (Good news too!)

My happy confidence in the new drug regime to control pain has gone to pot! Yesterday the pain was so bad I nearly threw up. It has been suggested to me that I start off my swim slowly in order to warm up. I have to say that I had never thought about this. I know that one must warm up one's muscles before weightlifting or running but it did not occur to me that one also needed to do it before summing.

I will not get to the pool now until Monday because my central heating has broken down. The plumber is coming at 7:45 AM and it is unlikely that I will get to the swimming pool by 8:30! I have had to go out and buy myself and electric blanket because it is cold here and I cannot do with getting cold as this will cause me many more problems. I have enough difficulty keeping warm as it is.

I am very pleased to say that Pussy won Best Puppy at today's championship show. Her sister, Plenty O Toole, won Best Puppy In Show on the Sunday just past.

I spent 2 or 3 days uploading my CD collection onto my Mac Book Pro only to discover that I had already done it all and had backed it up onto an external drive!

I am extremely pleased with the new music system and DVD Blu-ray system. I am now listening to music much more like I used to before it became to much of a chore to constantly change CDs. I also had not realised that part of the reason I had stopped is that much of being enjoyment had gone because I wrongly believed that my ears had degraded when in fact it was the fact that I was listening to MP3s via the iPod all the computer that had degraded the music! Now I am back to listening to my music in the way that it ought to be heard and in fact in the best way that I have ever heard. It put a lump in my throat when John told me that listening to his vinyl records, classical and opera, was the best sound he had ever heard. I was so pleased to hear him say this because he is a man of few words and rarely enthuses about anything. When he told me that we should buy any high-cost items now before he retires in April I had to really think about what would be good for us both and not just me which I know is what he meant for me to do. Coming up with audiophile audio equipment was the right choice. It was for both of us, not just me. John is generous to a fault with me and I was determined to get something he would really enjoy. I succeeded. The TV is for us both too.

When I got my electric recliner and one for him too, I really thought that was a good choice. It was but John refuses to use his. The dogs use it! I know he thinks of it as an old man's chair. He'll get over that at some point. Whereas I love mine and don't think of it as an old man's chair at all. More my throne.

CLOUDY DAYS

I have to say that I do not feel in the best of moods recently. I do not know why. I am sleeping well. I am not having bad dreams. I am having difficulty getting up in the morning. And it is this latter that 1st indicated to me that some isn't right because I always want to get up because I always have so many exciting things to do.

One thing I have realised recently is how my disability leaves me feeling vulnerable. I have never been physically confident. Now I feel even less so. Although I have fairly negative feelings toward visiting America-mainly because of the strong homophobic religious atmosphere-I realised yesterday that being unable to walk properly and needing to use the wheelchair is what tips me over the edge to not wanting to go at all. I am not one to harbour ridiculous fears and prejudices and I have tried not to feel the way I feel about the USA but every time I convinced myself that we are just talking about a small number of religious loonies the news and the Internet tell me this is not so. Some very extreme people with vile ideologies have already been elected into power, 2 of them as governors of states!

Anyway, I have got off the point. I'm trying to figure out why I feel low. I have had a lot of pain since our holiday so for about the last 6 weeks or so. I also look back over the last year and it is obvious that like the previous years I have physically become worse. Swimming is no longer easily. Whereas I always found the first few minutes hard to do, and now I generally find the whole swim painful. Most especially my neck both arms and chest.

I don't like writing about this. It does not suit the image I like that of the happy-go-lucky man who ignores the challenges! How silly is that? This stems from the fact that men are supposed to be stoic and not complain and also from the fact that I get really annoyed with people who do nothing but complain! My closest friend and I have very similar diseases and we do share with each other about it but both of us have full lives and get on with it despite it all.

May be it is normal for me to not be able to feel positive and strong all the time with regard to my disease. I met somebody recently who has the same disease and I was horrified to see what it had done to them in such a short time. I felt really bad because all I wanted to do was get away. I did not and I spoke and gave them a loving touch as we parted. I had to fight myself though to not recoil. I am not daft I know exactly why I reacted like that. The truth is I may never get like that. That is not always an easy fear to conquer though.

It is hard to know why I feel so sluggish. I feel bloated and heavy. I seem to lack energy.

Something has just popped into my mind. As I may have mentioned previously, we have upgraded our audio system and television with audiophile quality equipment. The look on John's face when he 1st heard his opera music through the new system was what I hoped to see. I too am astounded at the sound quality of both CDs and vinyl and also the quality of the television picture, especially when watching DVD and Blu-ray. We also exchange the speakers to high quality as well.

We have done this because John is soon to retire and we would not be able to do this once he has. he told me to think about what we want or need and to buy now. So the wheelchair was upgraded to the best. I bought two electric armchairs. Then after thinking about what we would both like I went ahead and bought the hi-fi equipment.

I realise that I feel guilty. This was just a niggly little feeling when I spent £100 on a shirt but it has now grown to a fully fledged guilt. I know that John has similar problems about spending money. I do not think we feel exactly the same way about it and certainly not for the same reasons.

When I was growing up, I was taught to be grateful to anything that I was given because I didn't really deserve it and they were only giving it to me because they were good. This feeling has stayed with me.

Every morning recently I have sat in my armchair and I've looked at my Macbook Pro which is the 1st thing I switch on when I wake up and then in front of me the Arcam hi-fi sits there taunting me and basically saying “what were you thinking?" You could have spent that money on the starving in Africa all you should have saved it for a rainy day.

During the learning process and buying process I of course was enjoying myself. I happily spent several days, not all at once, studying and auditioning various bits of equipment. Then after I have made my decision and it was all set up in the house I set about enjoying it. Then this feeling of guilt started to come over me and I now realise that I do have difficulty in enjoying what I have. Whereas I know that I am very fortunate in that we could afford this I now just feel bad and almost ashamed to even talk about it!

I think our world makes it difficult to have when others have not.

BUSY BEE

I have had a very busy and interesting time since we returned from our holiday in Germany.

last Sunday I attended a dog show with Pussy and Mary Grace. Pussy came 2nd and Mary Grace was 5th. The judge was not the judge that I entered under as she became incapacitated.

This week I have been buying hi-fi equipment from the higher end bracket. John is retiring at the end of April and our income will go down so he said that we should buy up what we need now. Not that we need high-end hi-fi equipment but we both wanted it because we both love music.

Remarkably, although pain has been my constant companion, it has been relatively easy to control. Even more remarkably is that I have been sleeping very well. In fact rather inconveniently well. Not only have I not been waking up to go for a pee, but I have not woken for the 1st time until 10 AM which is 3 hours later than my usual rising time!

John is home tonight and I am looking forward to having him try the very expensive headphones that I bought him. He will really hear his opera and classical music like he has not heard it before. I bought these for him because he would never buy them for himself. He is very strange in that he is rather mean when it comes to money with himself about very generous with me. We now both a pair each of Grado 325is.

Both Pussy and Mary Grace are in season so poor Luque is in a frustrated tiz.

I am going to spend the rest of today listening to music and knitting.