Wednesday, December 07, 2011


Bear with me that there is a point to the following: I am 53 years old and I live with chronic pain which severely limits my life. Despite 40 pills a day, including opiates, I am never pain-free. I am never physically comfortable. I cannot go to the Pictures. I cannot watch a DVD all the way through. I often have to sleep in my chair. Getting dressed is a major operation that takes much time. I have neurological problems stemming from brain damage caused to me by the violence of my abusive childhood. I also have spinal stenosis. I also have heart disease. But I am free.. I love my life I love myself. I have had a husband for the last 30.5 years and I have my dogs. I have very many positive things in my life. My life is far far far better than I ever dreamt possible. The mere fact that I am almost 53 years old is just amazing.

I grew up with parents that hated me. I was born gay. It was obvious that I was gay by the time I was a toddler. I suffered greatly at the hands of my parents. As a result of this, I was conditioned so that I was very easily bullied and taken advantage of. I became a victim at school, my nickname was shit, and I was regularly molested and raped by adults one of whom was a child pornographer and film and photographs of me could very well be on the Internet now.

I was taught by religious people that I was evil and sinful who also taught me and that God hated me and that I would never go to heaven. I lived in absolute terror. There was no safe haven for me. There were no cuddles. There was no one I could go to to be held and made to feel safe.
I hated myself. I hated that I could not change. I cut myself. I would starve myself. I became obsessed with cleanliness and I washed and washed and washed and watched trying to clean the filth off me.I had prayer meetings held in order to exercise the daemons out of me. I had a group of Christians stood outside my home calling for the devil to show itself and warning people to not go near me because I was able and to keep their children especially away from me.

I then had the good fortune to have a man come into my life who was an expert at deprogramming those of us who had been so damaged by religion. He saved my life.

The above is just a snippet of the hell that I lived with for many many years.

What I am letting you know is this: what I have to live with today is a doddle, is really easy compared to what I used to have to live with and I would never ever ever go back to that hell.

Today I love myself. I finally accept that the man that I have lived with for the last 30 1/2 years not only loves me but that I deserve his love. Today I know that the misguided and evil ones are those whose spit upon me and who tell me that being myself is wicked. That I and my brothers and sisters who are like me are the rot that is invading society. They do not see that in fact it is they who are destroying society.

Psychic, spiritual, emotional pain is far far more damaging and painful than the 24 7 pain I now live with. If you got this far thank you and I hope you have understood.


Grannie said...

Tears for the child with no cuddles - heart warmed for the man who came out of that hell to become an inspiration to so many.

Thank you once again Colin, for inspiring my heart!

Warmest regards


eboston said...

I'm sorry to hear about the trauma you suffered by people who should have cared about you. I'm glad you found someone who cares about you now and are in the process of healing.

Catherine said...

Indeed Colin your last line is so true but making progress with these issues a little everyday with inspiration from you and other friends.

Thank you will never be enough,


Iris said...

You are one of my heroes.