Sunday, October 16, 2011


Since my epiphany almost 4 years ago, I have changed. Really changed. Although maybe I haven't and the real me just came to the surface? Whatever, it is remarkable. This change is still happening.

First of all, because the epiphany was the realisation that I had been abused because of who the abusers were and not because of who I was able to release the final, and worst, pain and grief. I thought at the time it would kill me. Fortunately, my Doctor understood what was happening and understood why my gut was so affected. Grief really does hurt physically and takes it's toll on the body.

As a result people who were in my life are no longer. People who made me feel bad. People I had in my life because of guilt feelings I had. People who knew all about my past and used it manipulate me. When I think of that, it appalls me. That is truly wicked.

The reason for writing this today is because of another side effect of my release which I could not have anticipated. My taste in music has grown wider. The most surprising to me is that I am now including male singers. Apart from 3 albums by David Bowie back in the early 70's, I have never bought music by male singers. I have recently bought Nivarna Unplugged. Yes, I know!!!! If you had told me I would like this I'd have asked you what drug you were on! Now, I have just ordered 3 cds by Noah and The Whale. Their name is synchronistic too as I have been thinking a lot about the biblical story of Noah and The Whale and my astonishment that there are people who believe it is true!

I have added the following artists to my new likes: Amy MacDonald, Adele, Amy Winehouse, Laura Marling, Katie Melua, Beth Rowley, Mary Gauthier, Madeleine Peyroux, Lily Allen, Eliza Dolittle, Imelda May, Blue Harlem, Devil Doll. Mostly different genres.

Prior to this, my likes were Carly Simon, Amanda Lear, Joni MItchell, Carole King and Donna Summer. That was it.

This is exciting to me. I love music and now being able to hear new artists and appreciate them is wonderful for me.

The most obvious change is the way I dress. I see photographs of myself dressed for dog shows and I still get a shock! Yes. A shock. It is so not the me I used to be! I love the new me though.

I am also now more able to tolerate emotional situations I was not able to previously. I am able to make a stand against wickedness and not feel battered and bruised by it nor be sent back to flashbacks and panic. I mean by this that I am able to write, as I did last night, in counter attack on those people who would defend the Roman Catholic Church and it's stance on protecting abusive clergy. Yes, there are many who do indeed defend that. So I write on opposition to it. Not because I have any hope of changing the mind of those writing such wickedness because I know full well their mind set and I am not going to able to change them with a few words. However, by writing as I do, other survivors take something from it that helps them. How can I make such an arrogant claim? Simply because I get hundreds of e-mails from people the world over telling me how my words have helped them along their path toward light. I am more than humbled by this. Anyway, I have awoken feeling good today which is not my experience of past involvement in such exchanges.

1 comment:

Georgina said...

So true Colin about the physical pain of grief - it damn well hurts!!
So you too are a Donna Summer fan - do you dance to her? I must say she gives my housework a bit of help quite often! The children broadened my music experience over the years, but something I found all by myself is The Flaming Lips - not to everyone's taste I know and certainly not mine a few years ago - so when things shift inside it is fascinating to see what is under that metaphorical carpet!!!!